Archive for storm

Horror Clowns, Black Superheroes, Meaty Godzilla

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Behind The Sightings

Every month they change the fresh sheet at JaK’s my fav steakhouse of all time and space. (My accountant looked at my receipts and asked if I owned stock in the place. By now I should.)

June’s fresh sheet came out and right there in print was the…Rib-Eye Godzilla. This is no joke — and get this, it comes with a side order of screaming citizens! (Okay, that part was a joke.) Wonder if it comes with an order of Tokyo? Regardless, you now know what I’ll be eating for the next 30 days,

Speaking of tasty, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not satisfy your city-crushing hunger…

BEHIND THE SIGHTINGS (October 2017)
“Based on over 112 hours of footage recovered from the personal belongings of aspiring filmmakers Todd and Jessica Smith. The husband and wife filmmaking duo were investigating the 2016 creepy clown sighting epidemic. The first clown sightings occurred in August 2016 in Greenville, South Carolina. Authorities were alerted to reports by neighborhood kids stating that creepy clowns were appearing in the woods near an apartment complex. The clown sightings spread to all 50 states and across Europe. Todd and Jessica were attempting to track down clown sighting witnesses and the clowns involved in a rash of creepy clown sightings that plagued an eastern North Carolina community.”

A little late on the clown sighting social phenomenon, which I though was a clever promo for the new It (2017) movie. The funny part here is that people who took part in the clown sightings were in fact already clown themselves. Think this goes in the “already seen it” file, which is right next to the “stupid dumbasses” folder.

Midnighters

MIDNIGHTERS (2017/2018)
“Midnight, New Year’s Eve: when all the hopes of new beginnings come to life — except for Lindsey and Jeff Pittman, whose strained marriage faces the ultimate test after they cover up a terrible crime and find themselves entangled in a Hitchcockian web of deceit and madness.”

Hitchcockian web? Hitchcock was a spider? Now his movies all of a sudden make sense.

Black Panther

BLACK PANTHER (February 16, 2018)
Black Panther springs into action when an old enemy threatens the fate of his nation and the world.”

Marvel’s Black Panther was a hugely welcome debut in Captain America: Civil War (2016). That cat had some sleek moves. So it’s with some sort of glee I’m looking forward to an entire movie devoted to his sleek moves. Of course, African-American superheroes have been around for some time, but not nearly as much as their counterparts. For a recent example watch Luke Cage (Netflix). He also hooked up with Jessica Jones in her TV series. Lucky guy. Off the top ‘o my noggin is Hancock (Will Smith) Storm (Halle Berry) Spawn (1977) and yep, I’ll through in Asgard’s Heimdall (Idris Elba). But if you wanna go really obscure, try The First Black Superman, released back in 1977 when hippies ran free and personal hygiene was dubious at best. Fun watching how your parents acted when they were young and stupid.

ANGEL

ANGEL (pending crowd-funding)
When a brutal massacre plagued the isolated and peaceful town of Raven Rock in 1986, the remaining residents fled, leaving the once tranquil community behind. For thirty years the town has been chained and walled off from the outside world while deteriorating and crumbling. However not all has been quiet as disappearances have been attributed to the supposedly haunted town. Now a headstrong journalist and her team venture to Raven Rock to investigate the town, its history, and the missing persons. What they will discover is sometimes the truth is more disturbing than myth and Raven Rock is still being occupied.”

Sounds like a direct lift of 2006’s Silent Hill. That one had really cool weirdo monsters in the abandoned town. Ghosts, too. You’d think that be a tourist attraction instead of, say, a Ferris Wheel run amok. And don’t get me started on that possessed Tilt-a-Whirl, the only amusement park ride that makes you pay to reverse vomit.

Row Yer Boat To Hell

Posted in Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost Voyage

A big ass huge cargo ship roams the seas, its only passengers being seven people who suddenly wake up and don’t know where the hell they are. And Hell™ is precisely this vacation’s destination. Think Titanic meets Poltergeist.

Ghost Voyage

Each of these douche bag victims has done something in the past that put them on the You Lose Cruise. There’s a couple of greaseball crooks, a scheming Russian guy, a movie producer, a model/actress/do-it-with-anyone-who’s-a-producer chick and a prison inmate.

GHost Voyage

The steward shows up and informs them that they can wander about the ship, but to not try and breach any closed doors (ghosts are doing stuff behind them). And no jumping overboard, either, ’cause the water will eat your brains. Sorry — wishful thinking. Of course, they need someone to break the rules to set an example for the others. I’d do it but I’m busy.

Ghost Voyage

As they find out this tub is commandeered by Charon, The Ferryman, the guy that takes you to Hell, which just happens to be inside that lightning-powered whirlpool off the port bow. As it’s discovered, they’re already dead; Going to Hell is just a formality at this point. But the steward informs them there is one path to redemption. For me that’d be about 12 life preservers duct-taped to my body. And some cool sea goggles.

Ghost Voyage

The wretched special effects in Ghost Voyage (2008) only serve to emphasize dialogue no one would speak even if they were a drunken sailor. Main star Antonio Sabato, Jr. was in no trouble of drowning because his wooden acting skills can easily keep him afloat until another crappy horror movie comes along to pick him up.

Blubbering: The Horror of Whales

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

In The Heart of the Sea

Even though it’s universally considered to be an American literature classic, the 1851 Herman Melville novel Moby Dick (or The Whale) was in fact the first “nature strikes back” horror story.

Moby Dick

You had the maniacal, revenge-seeking Captain Ahab, the original slasher (except he wielded a harpoon and not a hockey mask and a machete), relentlessly pursing Moby Dick (a name used by more than one male porn star), a gigantic whale that wrecked Ahab’s Sea-doo™ and bit the crazy captain’s leg clean off. (Reports are sketchy as to whether it was his right or left leg. Maybe it was both.)

Just like Victor Frankenstein psychotically tracking his creationist monster through the Black Sea and meeting up in the Arctic Circle for the ultimate pay-per-view, both stories did not conclude well for Ahab and Victor.

In The Heart of the Sea

So the timeless horror classic is headed for the Imax™ screen in the form of In The Heart of the Sea (releasing December 11, 2015), a movie telling the story that inspired Moby Dick and features Thor (Chris Hemsworth) himself, trading in his Mjölnir (or “hammer”) for a whaler’s harpoon. Not really a spoiler, we kinda already know how this is gonna end up – humans will be recycled as whale poo.

In The Heart of the Sea

Here’s the plot: “In 1820, crewmen aboard the New England vessel Essex face a harrowing battle for survival when a whale of mammoth size and strength attacks with force, crippling their ship and leaving them adrift in the ocean. Pushed to their limits and facing storms, starvation, panic and despair, the survivors must resort to the unthinkable to stay alive.”

In The Heart of the Sea

One can only imagine what the “resorting to the unthinkable” stuff is to stay alive. If it’s anything like Free Willy 3: Packed In Spring Water, I think we all know the gory conclusion.

One Hell of a Halloween

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellions

Lots of new Halloween-themed horror movies lining up outside your/my door this year, looking to fill their bags with treats (i.e., cash). Hellions, which was screened at the Sundance Film Festival way back in the ancient days of January 2015, looks to lead the pack, despite borrowing notable elements from previous horror movies. (Borrowing is the new steal.)

Hellions

Hellion’s premise is straightforward: “A pregnant teenager must survive a Halloween night from Hell when malevolent trick-or-treaters come knocking at her door.”

Four weeks pregnant – and she only hooked up last week. Funny how time flies when you’re having horizontal fun.

Hellions

So these eerie/creepy/spooky kids in handmade Halloween cosplay, torment little Miss Unprotected Sex, telling her to give them what they came for. I’m thinkin’ it isn’t safe booty advice. That the gal’s pregnancy is progressing so quickly means that someone or something is hitting the fast-forward button on her womb of doom.

Storm of the Century

Of course, strangers appearing out of nowhere demanding to be given something is not new. For instance, in Storm of the Century, Stephen King’s 1999 TV mini-series, André Linoge, a seriously menacing dude, shows up as a mega storm is about to bury Little Tall Island (off the coast of Maine) in a world of whacked winter weather.

Storm of the Century

He somehow knows the dirty little secrets of the entire town’s citizens and keeps saying, “Give me what I want, and I’ll go away.” I’m thinkin’ it’s probably not a sno-cone.

Hellions

As for the little creeps in Hellions, one of ‘em sure looks like he borrowed some fashion tips from Sam, the Halloween mascot from Trick ‘R Treat (2007), a surprisingly cool horror anthology. FYI: The burlap look is back and is the must-have season accessory.

Trick 'R Treat

Mars: The Go-To Planet To Go To

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Martian

Do believe in Martians? If you’re like one of those Flat Earth/Hollow Earth conspiracy theorist idiots on YouTube™, you probably do.

And why the heck not? Mars is big news these days, what with tantalizing new pics coming in daily via NASA’s Curiosity Rover showing geo-formed rocks that look like actual residents kicking it around the Red Planet. Besides, since aliens are long known to have built factories on the dark side of the Moon – proven by blurry photos interpreted by pseudo-scientists and anyone with low-level credentials and/or white lab coats – Mars is way less boring than the Moon, which regularly gives werewolves a night out every 30 days.

Martian Land

Yeesh – all over the lunar surface here.

Anyway, two Mars based sci-fi movies headed toward your orbit: The Martian, a big-budget Ridley Scott interplanetary thriller starring Matt Damon, arriving in September 2015. And as could be expected, Martian Land from The Asylum – a low-budget horror/sci-fi film studio long established as idea thieves hiding under lawsuit-safe words like “mockumentary” and “homage,” releasing in the contrails of The Martian on October 6, 2015. The plots, if you will…

The Martian

The Martian: “During a human mission to Mars, astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) is presumed dead after being caught in a fierce storm, and is left behind when the rest of the crew evacuate the planet and begin to head back to Earth. Watney finds himself stranded and alone, with only meager supplies and his ingenuity, wit, and spirit to subsist and find a way to signal home, despite knowing that even if his survival is made known there is no prospect of a rescue.”

The Martian

Martian Land: “In the distant future mankind lives on Mars, in cities that resemble those once found on Earth, protected from the alien atmosphere by dome-like force-fields. When a massive sandstorm breaks through the dome and destroys Mars New York, those in Mars Los Angeles must figure out how to stop the storm before it wipes them out next.”

Mars New York/Mars Los Angeles. What, no Mars Canada?

So, if like those Flat Earth/Hollow Earth conspiracy theorist idiots on YouTube™ you have too much time on your hands, waste it on Martian Land. Everyone else – of which I hope there are many – see you in line to see The Martian.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

P.S. For a comprehensive study of Mars and its inhabitants, check out the definitive Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), in “space-blazing color, no less. Lab coat not required.

Cartoon vs. Carnivore

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Archie vs. Sharknado

Archie vs. Sharknado. Not only am I NOT making it up, it’s actually a for-purchase comic book for $4.99 [click HERE]. As wacky as this is, thankfully it’s not a movie. I don’t think I could take that.

So yeah, famed comic book cartoon icons Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica and Reggie –  sugaring up the pop culture pipeline since in 1941 – brave a shark storm after sharknados are spotted on the “Feast” Coast. They have to figure out how to get back to Riverdale, where the storm is about to hit next.

Just once I’d like to see everything hit the fans and their legs and arms get bitten off and splewn (splattered and strewn) all over “Betsy,” Archie’s famed 1916 Ford Model T jalopy. Oh wait, the junk heap was permanently demolished (not by sharks) in Archie Digest #239, published in October 2007.

Now that certain lines have been crossed, there’ nothing left to do except wait for Casper vs. Ghost Hunters.