Archive for SyFy Channel

Halloween Parties, Mutant Frogs, Ghost Cannibals

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween

This is kinda neato cool — A Halloween soundtrack listening party in records stores across the U.S. (or “United States”), running from October 19, 2018 (the album’s release date) through October 21, 2018. And hey, a few of the stores will be handing out free goodie bags and vinyl giveaways. This is good, because I’d hate to come back later and egg their otherwise clean storefronts.

Halloween

A select section from the press release: “John Carpenter composed the score with Cody Carpenter and Daniel Davies. The new soundtrack pays homage to the classic Halloween score that Carpenter composed and recorded in 1978.” Hope this one is embellished with stabby noises and babysitter screams.

Halloween

After you click HERE to see if you’re anywhere near one of the select record stores. (Mine’s Sonic Boom, which is about a $25 Lyft™ ride to get to. Not sure how much to come back.) And when you’re done looking in the mirror to see how sad you are when you discover these parties aren’t anywhere near you, brighten your flushed day with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jiggle the handle…

Channel Zero: The Dream Door

CHANNEL ZERO: THE DREAM DOOR (October 26, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
“Newlyweds Jillian and Tom have brought their own secrets into their marriage. After a strange door is discovered in their basement, those secrets they kept from each other will threaten their relationship — and their lives.”

Hope this installment is better than the last two. But hey, any excuse to plank on the couch. It’s said this one is based on the creepypasta short story Hidden Door by Charlotte Bywater. I don’t eat pasta; too creepy.

Strange Nature

STRANGE NATURE (2018)
“By moving in with her estranged hermit father in the backwoods of a small town, Kim and son Brody find themselves in the middle of a horrendous phenomenon where deadly offspring mutations spread from animals to humans.”

This one features mutant frogs. I’m hopping up and down with glee, though frogs kinda already look like mutants. I hate it when you get in a staring contest with one, and just when you think you’re gonna win, the darn thing makes its eyes bulge hard and goons you out. Man, I hate that.

I Still See You

I STILL SEE YOU (2018)
“Nine years after an apocalyptic event that killed millions, left the world is left inhabited by ghosts.”

Better ghosts than zombies. Ghosts won’t eat your face, whereas zombies would start chowing down without even stopping to remove the skin wrapper first. Still, with all those ghosts left hanging around, so much for getting in a little private time in the all-purpose bathroom. let’s just hope that ghosts are unable to post on Instagram™. Embarrassing doesn’t even begin to cover it.

The Dark

THE DARK (October 22, 2018/UK)
“An undead young woman, Mina, stalks the ‘Devil’s Den’ woods where she was killed. If anyone enters the woods, she kills them and feasts on the body. But when she stumbles upon a young blind boy named Alex in the back of a car who shows signs of horrifying abuse, she can’t bring herself to kill him. As police and locals close in, searching for Alex, Mina’s growing relationship with him changes her in ways she never thought possible.”

So she’s an undead cannibal and wants to be a nanny? Wonder if she charges by the hour? Hope she doesn’t eat your neck off if you don’t tip her.

Shark Explosion

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bad CGI Sharks

Finally, someone gets the joke about the exploding plethora of shark movies. Premiering on the SyFy Channel™ is a fin-in-cheek movie called Bad CGI Sharks (2018), with CGI standing for “computer-generated imagery” or “chewing gristle intently.” (Not sure which is correct.)

Bad CGI Sharks

Here’s the plot: “Two estranged brothers writing a script about a killer shark. That shark soon enters into their own reality.” This type of “write a story and it actually happens” plot device has been used numerous times, although it has yet to work for me. Still, the trailer is funny in the way, ironically, CGI sharks are tummy ticklers.

Jaws

This takes me back to the days of Jaws (1975), in which Bruce, the shark, was a mechanical device built to scale (no pun intended in that fish have scales —heh!), and used to historic effect, remaining arguably best shark movie of all time to this day. (An argument could be made for Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark/2014.)

Jaws

So popular was/still is Jaws, a flood of toys/merch followed in its bloody wake and are highly collectible over four decades later. (You’ll never pry my fuzzy Jaws beach towel out of my cold, wet hands.)

Jaws

This got me thinking, which is kinda hard to do. I’ve covered as many shark movies as possible, but inevitably there are a few over the years that slipped through my journalistic trawling net. If you’re a fan of shark flicks of all levels of cheesiness, consider adding these to your chum bucket list…

Mississippi River Sharks

MISSISSIPPI RIVER SHARKS (2017)
Sharks attack a fish rodeo on the Mississippi River, and it is up to a group of locals to stop them.”

A fish rodeo. Makes total sense. But maybe the sharks were just after the area’s famous Mississippi Mud Pie. (Recipe: A crust of crushed chocolate cookies, topped with layers of dense, flourless chocolate cake and velvety chocolate pudding. Who wouldn’t attack that?)

Ozark Sharks

OZARK SHARKS (2016)
“A vacation to the Ozarks turns upside-down when bull sharks infiltrate Arkansas’s freshwater lakes and wreak havoc on a town’s big fireworks festival.”

Hillbilly sharks. Wonder if their swimsuits have suspenders on ’em? P.S. They used the same shark on the cover of Mississippi River Sharks. Busted.

Roboshark

ROBOSHARK (2015)
“What starts off as a typical day on the streets of Seattle soon becomes a terrifying bloodbath, when a great white shark devours an alien space probe…and ROBOSHARK is born. The U.S. military comes after it with guns blazing, but it’s the power of social media that puts an ambitious newscaster and her tech-savvy daughter ahead of everyone else in the race to stop the destruction.

I live in Seattle. A Roboshark that eats UFO droppings and put on their hipster hybrid pants are the least of this town’s problems — me being one of ‘em.

Raging Sharks

RAGING SHARKS (2005)
“An alien object falls from space into the Bermuda Triangle where it pumps up the resident sharks like a steroid.”

I though all sharks were/are raging. A weak concept when you have to combine aliens, sharks and the Bermuda Triangle. For a better pairing, I suggest, clams jubilee with a 40 ounce Chianti of Foster’s Lager™. Finish with a nice nap.

Since sharks have been used as everything from snow and sand, to ghosts and multi-headed mutants, there’s one shark-themed movie that’s never been made. Bets are on as to how long it’ll be before this one’s made…

Yellowstone National Shark

Demonic Beekeeper, Horror TV, Holiday Shark

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AHS: Apocalypse

Getting giddy for the upcoming premier of American Horror Story: Apocalypse. The teasers are eerie and stylishly cool, an AHS trademark. Kinda like expensive perfume TV commercials.

AHS: Apocalypse

Some background info in case you’ve been living under a rock: “American Horror Story: Apocalypse is the eighth season of the FX horror anthology television series American Horror Story. It will premiere on September 12, 2018. Series co-creator Ryan Murphy (Glee, Feud) has confirmed that the new season will be a crossover between Season 1 (AHS: Murder House) and Season 3 (AHS: Coven).

While we count down the days until TV becomes good again, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stink like expensive perfume…

Santa Jaws

SANTA JAWS (available now/SyFy™ Channel)
“Trying to survive the family Christmas, Cody makes a wish to be alone, which ends up backfiring when a shark manifests and kills his entire family.”

Not surprised — the title alone has inspired countless memes, so it makes sense that someone would capitalize on it. Personally, I would’ve gone with Mama Shark, in tribute of Mother’s Day. If Mama Shark tells you to go clean your room and you don’t do it, the living room rug will likely need to be forensically vacuumed to get what’s left of your torso/face/leg meat out of the absorbent fibers.

What Keeps You Alive

WHAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE (August 24, 2018)
Jackie and Jules are a couple celebrating their first anniversary at a secluded cabin in the woods belonging to Jackie’s family. From the moment they arrive, something changes in Jules’ normally loving wife, as Jackie begins to reveal a previously unknown dark side — all building up to a shocking revelation that will pit Jules against the woman she loves in a terrifying fight to survive.”

Sounds more like a regular relationship than a horror movie. But then again, aren’t all relationships kind of a horror movie when you think about it?

Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel

HELL HOUSE LLC II: THE ABADDON HOTEL (September 14, 2018/Limited)
“The sequel picks up eight years since the opening night tragedy of Hell House LLC; still many unanswered questions remain. Thanks to an anonymous tip, an investigative journalist is convinced that key evidence is hidden inside the abandoned Abaddon Hotel. This evidence that will shed light on: the hotel’s mysteries, many unsolved deaths and disappearances.”

Didn’t see the first one, so I have little insight here. Hey, I was BUSY. Supergirl on The CW™ isn’t gonna watch itself. Did a bit ‘o research — Abaddon is defined as this: “In the New Testament Book of Revelation, an angel called Abaddon is described as the king of an army of locusts.” Sounds like a beekeeper.

The Dawnseeker

THE DAWNSEKER (September 4, 2018)
“2245, the Earth’s sun has dwindled and no longer provides the energy needed to sustain human life. Five hired mercenaries travel to an uncharted planet to collect a rare mineral known as stardust to replenish the dying star. After their spaceship crashes on the alien planet, they are stalked and hunted by a creature far more advanced than anything they have ever encountered before.”

Stardust is the hippie/druggie code name for cocaine. Sprinkle a pile of that on the dying sun and that thing will fire up and want to party. It’ll be a short party, though. Other than that, this one sounds suspiciously like The Predator.

Fake UFOs, Horror Teens, Evil Wishing Well

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Real UFO Crash Footage

Recently pulled up Real UFO Crash Footage (Mooney Vision) on Amazon Prime™. Several things you need to know before stepping in the same pile of I.V.C. (Identified Viewing Crap) I did…

• ALL the footage is of blurry and/or shaky camera stylings.

• Lots of the material has digital UFOs flying above around or into fiery explosions that happened by way of the wrong button being pushed, high-speed left turn into a right turn cloud, or something involving gasoline and matches.

• Most footage contains mega-explosions from stock news broadcasts.

• There’s footage of falling meteors, which are nothing more than God’s marbles.

• Some footage is from the SyFy Channel™ from over a decade ago.

• While it’s true these UFOs are just that (because of the blurriness, you can’t identify what it is that’s flying/not flying), the bait on the hook here is the flying saucer on the cover.

And while you’re fuming over having bitten the hook, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be blatantly misleading…

The Open House

THE OPEN HOUSE (January 19, 2018/Netflix)
“A mother and her teenage son move into a new house and are harassed by threatening forces.”

Threatening forces could be anything — landlords, neighbors, Mothman, me…  Just need an address. (Disclaimer: I don’t really threaten anyone. However, I will make your lawn die just by standing on it.)

The Devil's Well

THE DEVIL’S WELL (January 23, 2018)
Karla Marks mysteriously vanishes while conducting a paranormal investigation with her husband into the Devil’s Well, an underground location reported to be a gateway straight into Hell, and the site of ongoing strange phenomenon. A year after her disappearance, a group of investigators go back to uncover the truth about Karla, and are faced with evil forces greater than they ever imagined.”

A well is the gateway to Hell? And here all this time I thought the portal to Purgatory was 7-Eleven™. That, or the bathroom door to the men’s room at the Maha (a bar I hang out in, and usually have a priest administer a blessing every time beer needs to be exorcised from thy bladder).

Truth or Dare

TRUTH OR DARE (April 27, 2018)
“A harmless game of ‘Truth or Dare’ among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie — or refuse the dare.”

Sounds like more dumb teen horror. Can’t wait to not watch it.

Nightflyers

NIGHTFLYERS (SyFy Channel™/2018/2019)
“Eight maverick scientists and a powerful telepath embark on an expedition to the edge of our solar system in the hopes of contacting alien life. They travel aboard The Nightflyer — a ship with a small tightknit crew and a reclusive captain. But when terrifying and violent events begin to take place they start to question each other, and surviving the journey proves harder than anyone thought.”

This looks to be a TV series, which is good, because it gives me YET ANOTHER excuse to not get off the couch. Nightflyers is based on George R.R. Martin’s 1980 supernatural novella (short book) of the same name and was actually made into a movie back in 1987. I may or may not have seen it. Hey, I have hair to comb and lawns to mow. I take that stuff seriously.

13 Fridays, Raiding Tombs, Killer Mom

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Channel Zero: No End House

Behold, the new key art poster for Channel Zero: No End House. I hear tell they’re gonna use the Brian Russell tale on Creepypasta.com, where they got the entire 6-episode plot for Channel Zero: Candle Cove (2016).

If you haven’t seen it, you might wanna watch it and fill your pants with creepy pasta (home of the Slenderman legend). It’s some of the spookiest TV on television. Okay, that was a bit redundant. So what — I drink.

While we’re waiting for Channel Zero: No End House to debut on the SyFy Channel on September 20, 2017, here are a few horror, sci-fi and fantasy adventure movies to get your pasta pot boiling….

The 13th Friday

THE 13th FRIDAY (October 7, 2017)
“When a female refugee discovers an ancient demonic device that opens the gateway to another realm, she unleashes a dark entity that poses as her daughter. After many failed attempts to have the church explain the creation of her worst nightmares, she learns that the house is cursed by an enraged spirit that died on Friday the 13th. And now a group of thrill seeking friends unknowingly unleash its wrath and damn their souls.”

Clever — take the iconic branding of Friday the 13th, swap the letters around just a bit, and then ride the coattails of a successful franchise with a weak plot/script. I should try that with my bar tab.

Nightmare Cinema

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2017)
“This anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist – a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Borrows heavily from the Italian gore fest Demons (1985), in which move-goers are trapped in a theater during a screening of a violent horror movie, unbeknown that they themselves are about to become infected demon gore zombies that shred each other into half-chewed Twizzlers™. Once again, life imitates art.

Tomb Raider

TOMB RAIDER (March 16, 2018)
Lara Croft is the fiercely independent daughter of an eccentric adventurer who vanished years earlier. Hoping to solve the mystery of her father’s disappearance, Croft embarks on a perilous journey to his last-known destination — a fabled tomb on a mythical island that might be somewhere off the coast of Japan. The stakes couldn’t be higher as Lara must rely on her sharp mind, blind faith and stubborn spirit to venture into the unknown.”

This reboot is already getting taken to task on the Internet for the poor Photoshopping of Alicia Vikander (Lara Croft) in the key art. It looks like she has a horse neck. Maybe she works out a lot and has hulk bulked her lateral flexion.

Applecart

APPLECART (2017/2018)
“A caring mother loses her sanity, setting off a chain of events resulting in tragedy and murder. The story of Casey Pollack unfolds from two very different perspectives when one night in the woods culminates in absolute terror.”

Only one thing that can set off a caring mother, turning her into a murderer — stretching Saran Wrap™ over the toilet seat, then lowering the lid. When mom has to tinkle, stand back and wait for the fun/murder. That may or may not have happened to me during my prankster years (grade 4 through 12).

This Snake Takes The Cake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakeman

Snakeman (aka, The Snake King) came out in 2005 on the SyFy™ Channel and starred/stars Stephen Baldwin, who always looks like he’s striking a pose in front of a mirror only he can see.

Snakeman

So I watched the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman on YouTube™. (It was titled Anakonda vs. Kink Kong. There was no Kink Kong, but the snake did eat a kinky monkey, so there you go.) It’s so poorly overdubbed that when someone shoots at the seven-headed giant snake (located in the heart of the steamy Amazon (jungle, not the one-stop shopping place on the Internet with free delivery if you have a Prime™ account), you don’t hear the rifle blasts for a few seconds later. For some reason I found that to be quite entertaining.

Snakeman

Baldwin plays Matt Ford (had to look that up as I don’t quite grasp the nuances of Hindi linguistics), a helicopter pilot who leads a team of researchers deep into the snake-filled Amazon by way of crashing said helicopter. The group includes Dr. Susan Elters, who looks like a Canadian version of Kim Basinger. Most everybody is eventually swallowed whole by the snake, which is the size of a regular snake times one million. Again, quite entertaining.

Snakeman

So why was everybody gooning out in the jungle in the first place? Seems the Fountain of Youth might be there (it is) and everyone wants to get their unwashed hands on it. Meanwhile, warring natives (I call them “Junglonians”) throw spears and shoot arrows at everyone. Most the time they miss their target, but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Snakeman

A rival helicopter shows up and a bunch of gunners try to get the youth juice for their own science profits. This is where the best scene happens. The meanest of the para-military guys is grabbed by both legs and arms by the snake and is handily (sorry) turned into a screaming torso. The biggest snake noggin leans down and nips the head off the still screaming guy as if snacking on M&Ms, where it melts in its mouth, not in its glands.

Watch the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman, because sometimes understanding the dialogue just isn’t that important to the plot.

Empire Sharks, Hockey Masks, Murderous Moms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Quiet Room Bears

Saw this mash-up of a Care Bear and Pennywise from It on eBay™, Think the going price is around $300. Not sure I want that hideous thing sitting in a corner, visually tasting my flesh. Still, it might keep solicitors from bugging my doorbell.

While I try and drum up $300, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the cotton out of you…

Empire of the Sharks

EMPIRE OF THE SHARKS (August 5, 2017/SyFy)
“In the future, most of Earth is covered by water and the only land is controlled by a warlord and his army of sharks. Humans are kept as food for the sharks until two friends risk their lives to rise against their captor and his legion of sharks.”

Sounds like Waterworld (1995) but with the more eating of humans. So yeah, YET ANOTHER Rent-A-Centershark horror movie. These types of shark flicks are usually just bad video games. If you want a real shark movie that’ll make you pollute the water, try The Reef (2010). Just thinking about it is making me need to hide in the safety of my bathroom — until someone comes up with Toilet Sharks.

To Hell And Back

TO HELL AND BACK: THE KANE HODDER STORY
(August, 2017/England Film Fest)

To Hell and Back is a harrowing story of a stuntman overcoming a dehumanizing childhood filled with torment and bullying in Sparks, Nevada. After surviving a near-death burn accident, he worked his way up through Hollywood, leading to his ultimate rise as Jason Voorhees in the Friday the 13th series and making countless moviegoers forever terrified of hockey masks and summer camp. After decades of watching Kane Hodder on screen, get ready to meet the man behind the mask in To Hell and Back – n uniquely human story about one of cinema’s most vicious monsters.”

Kane Hodder, as many know, is the 6’4” monster behind such monsters as Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993), Jason X (2001), and as the deformed serial killer Victor Crowley in Hatchet (2006), Hatchet II (2010), and Hatchet III (2013). I say cast Hodder in the new Mary Poppins Returns 2018 remake — that’ll keep that persnickety b*tch from trying to teach the world manners.

Axeman 2: Overkill

AXEMAN 2: OVERKILL (October 17, 2017)
“When a band of crazed evangelicals, bank robbers and vigilantes descend upon Cutter’s Creek, there’s only one local legend that can separate them. And dismember them.”

Seems pretty cut ‘n dry to me — heh. Not really a fan of chop shop horror, but hey, crazed evangelicals and bank robbers need to taste the business end of the axe.

Mon And Dad

MOM AND DAD (2017/2018)
“A teenage girl and her little brother must survive a wild 24 hours during which a mass hysteria of unknown origins causes parents to turn violently on their own kids.”

It’s called parenting for a reason. This is what happens when you don’t clean your room. Speaking of, I’m gonna go do that right now as mom’s in town with a few days to kill.