Goth Fairies, Cannibal Critters, Timeless Horror

While the movie wasn’t exactly in my wheelhouse, I nevertheless enjoyed the Disney™ fantasy/horror movie, Maleficent (2014), and dug watching main star Angelina Jolie as the goth-y gorgeous evil fairy fly around with Hellboy/Darkness horns and flap her wing-span enhanced wings like a demonic seagull.

This is why I’m horn-y (heh) for the sequel, Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (October 18, 2019), which puts the antlers/wings back on Jolie to cause more fairy land havoc. And in case you don’t/didn’t know who Maleficent is, she was the antagonist in Disney’s Sleeping Beauty in 1959 and the self-proclaimed “mistress of all evil.” (Nice tie-in with the title, Disney™.)

While I plot to go see the movie and push little kids out of the way to get a good seat, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your wings flap…

CRITTERS: A NEW BINGE (March 21, 2019/Shudder™)
“Pursued by intergalactic bounty hunters, the Critters return to Earth on a secret mission and encounter Christopher, a lovelorn high-schooler, his best friend Charlie, his crush Dana, and his mom Veronica — whose past will come back to bite them. Who will survive? And who will be eaten?”

The original Critters (1986) was just Gremlins (1984), but with worse table manners. Both movies were skewed towards the family-skewed crowd, so proceed with caution with this one.

DIVISION 19 (April 5, 2019)
“In the future, prisons have been turned into online portals where paying subscribers get to vote on what felons eat, watch, wear and who they fight. Panopticon TV is so successful it is about to be rolled out to a whole new town. When the world’s most downloaded felon escapes, the authorities set a trap to reel him in. The bait is his little brother who has so far managed to avoid detection.”

Sounds like someone’s been watching The Running Man (1987) and YouTube™ videos of Christians being thrown into the PPV ring with atheist lions.

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE: DEJA VU (April 23, 2019)
“Following her brutal rape, Jennifer wrote a best-selling account of her ordeal and of the controversial trial in which she was accused of taking the law into her own hands and ruthlessly killing her assailants. In the small town where the rape and revenge took place, the relatives of the four rapists she killed are furious that the court declared her not guilty and resolve to take justice into their own hands.”

I Spit On Your Grave first came out in 1978 and was painfully hard to watch, even though it wasn’t nearly as graphic as the 2010 remake. And while the subject matter is timely, doesn’t mean it’s any easier to watch. P.S. If you’re a dude, do NOT watch this with any ladies in the room. It might give them ideas.

IN SEARCH OF DARKNESS (2019)
“For the first time in horror history, In Search of Darkness will bring together 1980s icons, modern horror greats, popular YouTubers and social media influencers to create the most complete retrospective documentary of the genre ever made. Together, they will bring their unique perspectives as we take a nostalgic journey back to revisit the unforgettable heroes, monsters, and movies that thrilled and chilled us.”

Looking forward to this one as the ‘80s were my puberty horror years. I’ll continue to keep watching ‘em until my voice cracks.

Horrifying Halloween Words

From hardcore Christians to shopping mall Wiccans, everybody is jumping on this year’s Halloween season LimeBike™, trying to cash in as much as possible. So I’m gonna do the same thing, except I’m doing it for free. (Yep, the Wizard of Wall Street right here.)

Thus, behold a collection of horror-themed words/logos that you can use for any of your design work and/or tattoo flash. I created this some years ago, scanning the art and converting to the EPS (encapsulated postscript) format and, for those who don’t do art-tech speak, a PDF (portable document format). If you have any graphics app, you can open these files and go straight to crazy town.

If you do anything cool with this stuff, send me a pic or screenshot. I promise not to tell your mom/primary caregiver.

Anyway, download HERE (EPS) and HERE (PDF).

And may the Gods of Halloween not put razors in your nutritious trick-or-treat candy.

More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

Martian God

Using Radio Shack’s™ new hydrogen valve, an American scientist manages to get a radio signal to Mars and receives transmissions back that the Red Planet is way more awesome than Earth. My own experiments confirm this.

The Martians explain, via math language, that they’ve overcome fuel, food and health problems with their advanced technology. This causes Earth’s entire economic system to collapse. Why employ people when the Martians can supply us with technology that does the trick for a fraction of the cost? Thanks a lot, Mr. Science.

But high in the Andes is a German scientist living like a hermit with the exact same radio transmitter. He was the one who invented the hydrogen valve, and he’s using his version to advance Russian interests in world domination by “listening” in on the interplanetary conversations.

The Russians are gleeful. Having been unsuccessful in defeating the U.S. in everything but chess, they’re wringing their hands over the financial meltdown, which is bringing everything to a screeching halt and… Wait a minute – that’s not Mars talking, it’s the Russians answering back, giving us erroneous information, which is causing everyone to freak. Pretty smarty pants when you think about it.

Meanwhile, the Nazi scientist effortlessly manages to get out of the Andes before an avalanche wipes out his stylish slum hut, get on a plane to America, and sneak into the American scientist’s military-guarded house, all to take credit for single-handedly crushing the United States through simple deception.

But while he’s there, one more transmission comes through. The “Martians” send an incomplete final cryptic message that implies that God is talking to them. The message goes out and the world calms the heck down. But not before the Nazi, usurped by The Lord, gets in the last word. And speaking of last words, the President addresses the nation and it’s all but a propaganda speech for organized religion.

Not surprised the Martians are Christians, but I am visibly shocked the hokey Red Planet Mars (1952) didn’t come with a collection plate.