Cooking With Godzilla, Old West Amityville, Black Hole Moon

If you’re a Godzilla fan and eat food of all things, then you’re gonna want to get Godzilla: The Official Cookbook. Seems funny given that we’ve only seen Godzilla eat three things: Tokyo, Osaka and Fukuoka. (Just kidding; he was just playing with his food.) In reality, Godzilla only eats commuter trains, King Ghidorah heads and radioactive Mothra egg salad sandwiches. But then again, the Godzilla: The Official Cookbook is for we food-inclined humans and not the King of the Monsters.

From Godzilla.com™: “Prepare to unleash the culinary power of monster-sized flavors with Godzilla: The Official Cookbook. This officially licensed 160-page hardcover book features 60 fun, kaiju-themed food and drink recipes to suit all tastes and skill levels including the scrumptious Guaczilla, the delicious Gigan’s Wings and the awesome Mechagodzilla Head Cake. From fiery drinks that erupt with flavor to starters that capture the essence of destruction, each recipe is crafted for Godzilla fans. Whether you crave meaty creations or prefer flavor-packed vegetarian and vegan options, Godzilla: The Official Cookbook has something for every kaiju-loving palate.” This kitchen bible sells for $34.95 and ships November, 2024, right in time for Godzilla’s 70th anniversary. Click this if you’re hungry.

So while those of us with kaiju-sized appetites order this cookbook, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not turn your brain into Guaczilla…

AMP HOUSE MASSACRE / August 8, 2024 (VOD)

“A group of social media influencers sharing a mansion in the Hollywood Hills find themselves caught in a life and death game of survival as a killer reveals their deepest secrets before killing them off one by one.”

Therein lies the irony as social media influencers (i.e., digital dumbasses) usually post their deepest secrets online. Regardless, you already know who I’m rooting for.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMITYVILLE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Two relentless bounty hunters, driven by the promise of a hefty reward, track their elusive quarry to the freshly minted town of Amityville. However, as they step into its seemingly serene streets, an unsettling sense of dread takes hold. In this town, appearances are deceiving and a sinister force pulses beneath the facade of normalcy. The hunters soon find themselves ensnared in a nightmarish struggle for survival against a malevolent entity, a centuries-old demonic force that corrupts and annihilates all in its patch. What began as a simple chase now becomes a harrowing fight for their very lives and souls, as the confront an ancient evil that threatens to consume them.”

This makes 40 movies with the word Amityville in its title. Only one is worth watching — and it ain’t this.

LEMBAYUNG / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Two young women have strange experiences while undergoing practical field work at a dental clinic in a small hospital in Central Java.” 

Sounds like somebody’s been hittin’ the nitrous oxide. Stick with amide anesthetics, and afterward try rubber-lipping a milkshake through a straw. Can’t be done, but it’s really funny to watch. P.S. The title translates as Crimson. Boring.

SICCÎN 7 / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“a desperate family drawn into a dark ritual on a black moon.”

This is the seventh entry in the Turkish Siccîn franchise which began with Siccîn (2014). Didn’t see 1 through 6, so I have no idea what’s going on here. That pretty much describes my 1 through 6 week.

Downton Werewolf, Snacking Sharks, Scottish Witches

Necaonline.com™, makers of insanely cool, highly-detailed action figures since 1996, may have won 2024 with the upcoming An American Werewolf in London (1981) characters, David Kessler and Jack Goodman in their human and werewolf/undead rotting corpse forms. That would make sense if you saw the iconic movie. If not, two college grads are backpacking it across England’s back road wetness, lose their way in the moors highlighted by a full moon instead of streetlights, and are attacked by a werewolf. One dies after being turned into Shredded Wheat™, the other barely surviving and going on to become a werewolf himself and killing it in downtown London. Or would that be Downton Abbey? Heh.

From Neca’s™ product description: “This long-awaited action figure two-pack features David and Jack as they fatefully wander the moors before being attacked by a vicious werewolf. Both figures are fully poseable and stand in NECA’s 7-inch scale. David includes an interchangeable ‘nightmare’ expression, and Jack includes swappable coat, arms, and multiple expressions to recreate the various stages of decay seen throughout the film. The duo comes in a collector-friendly window box with opening flap for display.” No price given, but look for this awesome two-pack to ship in October 2024.

So while we all get in the zone and go backpacking in England because we hear there’s werewolves in them muddy moors, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not kill it in downtown London OR Downton Abbey…

THE LAST BREATH / Out now (Turkey), Release pending 2024 (US/VOD)

“A group of five college friends reunite on a Caribbean scuba diving trip exploring the wreckage of a World War II battleship and find themselves trapped inside the underwater labyrinth of rusted metal surrounded by great white sharks.”

Advice to the sharks: eat those idiots and sell their scuba gear on eBay™.

REALM OF SHADOWS / Out now (VOD)

Father Dudley, a long-time Catholic priest, is dedicated to his profession and is watching out for his close friend Robby Duray, during a testing time in the latter’s life. He also takes on the volatile task of taming Robby’s diabolic alter ego and steers him away from the snares of Satan. Cassandra is the alluring and mysterious muse of Master Makin, the mysterious owner of the haunted vault near Strain City’s infamous cemetery and narrator of the shadows.”

The snares of Satan — sounds like a heavy metal drum band.

CLOUD / September 27, 2024 (Japan), Release pending 2024/2025 (US)

“A form of collective madness results from a chain of hatred.”

Is this a documentary about Republicans in Congress? Collective Madness and Chain of Hatred would be great album/song titles for a Satanic heavy metal drum band.

WITCHES’ WELL / Release Pending 2024 (VOD)

“While traveling in Edinburgh to research her book on the Scottish witch trials, a best-selling horror writer is hounded by both a stalker and a potentially paranormal threat, challenging her skepticism of the otherworldly.”

A Wikipedia™ fun fact about Scottish witch trials: “An estimated 4,000 to 6,000 people, mostly from the Scottish Lowlands, were tried for witchcraft between the early 16th Century and the mid-18th Century, a much higher rate than for neighboring England.” Note to England — are you gonna let Scotland outdo you?

45 Years of Halloween, Frankenstein Turkey, Werewolf Crisis

John Carpenter’s Halloween premiered October 22, 1978 and went on to rake in over $70 million, becoming one of the most profitable independent films of all time. I paraphrased that by copying and pasting related text I gleaned from this thing called the “Internet.” Additional paraphrasing: “Halloween is considered one of the greatest and most influential horror films ever made. In 2006, it was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry by the Library of Congress as being “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.”

And now, to celebrate Halloween’s 45th anniversary, Fright-Rags.com has released a plethora of Michael Myer’s memorabilia, from shirts, hats, hoodies and masks, to liquid fillable cups, enamel pins, socks and figurines. Other horror collectible sites are selling Halloween stuff, too (NightmareToys.com sells a Michael Myers Halloween butcher knife, though I’m pretty sure you can get one at Sur la Table™). But Fright-Rags.com has the coolest fashionables if you would just click this.

So while we all go shopping for Halloween 45 stuff because why not, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant…

CREATURE / October 20, 2023 (Netflix™)

“When tragedy befalls a reckless scientist in Ottoman-era Istanbul, his student uses untested methods to finish his work with devastating consequences.”

This series is a Turkish take on Frankenstein. There will be blood…and subtitles.

MONSTERNADO / November 14, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“A tornado, infested with prehistoric monsters, has formed in the Bermuda Triangle, and is making its way towards land. Megalodon, pterodactyls, giant octopuses, crocodiles, and more, attack. Now the city must fight to survive against these deadly creatures.”

Okay, I’m not gonna lie to you — this sounds pretty cool. Just wondering what city must fight to survive? Hope it’s mine.

BEAST OF WALTON STREET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the homeless population of an Ohio town is ravaged by brutal deaths in the dead of winter, city officials turn a blind eye to the violence in the name of squashing panic. With no help from the city in sight, Constance Wilmenson and Sketch Williams make a pact to defend their turf in the name of their forgotten homeless brethren and fight back against the deadly creature…a werewolf.”

Using werewolves to solve the homeless crisis. There’s a new low.

THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 1 / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Based on the original 2008 cult horror franchise of the same name, the project features a young woman named Maya, who drives cross-country with her longtime boyfriend to begin a new life in the Pacific Northwest. When their car breaks down in Venus, Oregon, they’re forced to spend the night in a secluded Airbnb™, where they are terrorized from dusk till dawn by three masked strangers.”

This one is being done as a trilogy. Not sure why. It’s like having the same cereal for breakfast over and over again…since 2008. 

Can’t We All Just Get A Kong? Leprechaun Heck, Vampire Strippers

In biblical terms, King Kong is more popular than Zeus. And while Zeus may be the Olympian god of the sky and thunder, his marketable appeal is confined to Greek mythology and a couple of movies, whereas King Kong is a global deity, worshiped in every country on the planet, even the stinky ones. Need proof? Just look at all visual interpretations of Kong from various continents…particularly the stinky ones.

Prague. Japan. Yugoslavia (see “stink countries”). Turkey. Spain. There is no place on Earth where Kong is not king. And images of our simian savior can fetch prices from as little as $15 in fun coupons/Benjamins/cabbage/smack smacks, all the way up to $1,000 pocket pals/doubloons/gwop/sawbucks for lovingly restored vintage prints.

So while we all go look under couch cushions and long abandoned fanny packs for loose cheddar/clams/lucre/quid to buy bootleg prints of King Kong on Etsy™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost a lot of pesos/moolah/Lincolns/frog skins to rent…

JOVI & LOU / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™), May 2023 (Tubi™)

An irreverent and sometimes offensive dark comedy in a world where Jovi (God) and Lou (Satan) negotiate the fate of all humanity, one game piece at a time. After his wife Mary sinks into a coma after a car wreck, Joey strikes a bargain with the sinister Lou to save her. His quest for her salvation leads him behind the scenes to the realm of the immortals, where humans are merely pawns in Jovi and Lou’s games.

God’s first name is Jovi and Satan’s first name is Lou? Given their career choices, you’d think they could come up with something more appealing, like Self-Righteous Shelly and Malevolent Mark.

SEVEN ANGELS / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven Angels, a famous girl band from Indonesia, consisting of Stella, Carla, Dian, Anggun, Amy, Tari and Mika go on vacation to Melbourne, Australia where they socialize with a local singer named Mark. Mark takes the girls of Seven Angels to Aradale Lunatic Asylum, a former haunted asylum with a dark and horrific history.”

You’re a dude with seven chicks and you take ’em to a haunted asylum? Were you born in a monastery?

THE WATCHERS / JUNE 24, 2024 (THEATERS)

“Mina, a 28-year old artist gets stranded in an expansive, untouched forest in western Ireland. When Mina finds shelter, she unknowingly becomes trapped alongside three strangers that are watched and stalked by mysterious creatures each night.”

Leprechauns. And no amount of Lucky Charms™ will save you from them.

SAMMY SLICK: VAMPIRE SLAYER Relese pending crowdfunding, 2023 (VOD)

“In the dark and seedy streets of Ybor City, FL, Vampire Investigator Sammy Slick vows to rid the city of its blood sucking inhabitants once and for all. After a dancer from Foxy’s Strip Club comes to him with her suspicions that the club’s new owner is luring men in as potential prey, Sammy and his trusty sidekick Ash set out to prove her right and bring down the vampiress. Along the way they are met with obstacles, vampiric adversaries, and vampire strippers.”

Vampire strippers. Just don’t tip ‘em with bulbs of garlic. That’ll get you thrown out of the club.

International Horrors, Buzzkill Bees, Plug-in Kids

The success of a horror/sci-fi movie often depends heavily on eye-snagging poster art to economically market their cinematic bowel movements. Movie poster art is a culture unto its own, with numerous websites devoted to curating every movie poster ever designed. (Check out IMPAwards.com — it’s a treasure trove of both US and International hi-res movie posters.)

The illustrations on International horror and sci-fi movie posters, though, are crazy cool and often out-markets their US counterparts. You couldn’t tell, but the poster at the top is Pumpkinhead (1988) from Turkey. More examples — The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – France, Alien (1979) – Poland, The Return of the Living Dead (1985) – Thailand, Jaws 2 (1978) – Poland — are great examples of art unrestrained from studio interference. (The movie ad sheet for 1969’s chiller Frosty the Snowman designed in Antarctica could have been so much more bloody had the studio not stepped in and ice-blocked it.)

Two of the crazier movie posters are Cujo (1983) from Ghana and The Omen (1976) from the Czech Republic. The Cujo poster looks like a pet greeting card while The Omen poster displays the movie’s evilness in devilishly hand-illustrated glory. So while we download these posters and frame ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be a cinematic bowel movement… 

SILO / May 5, 2023 (AppleTV+™)

The series tells of the last 10,000 people on Earth, their mile-deep home protecting them from the toxic and deadly world outside. However, no one knows when or why the silo was built, and any who try to find out face fatal consequences. An engineer seeks answers about a loved one’s murder and tumbles onto a mystery that goes far deeper than she could have ever imagined, leading her to discover that if the lies don’t kill you, the truth will.”

It’s not a silo — it’s a discarded kaiju milkshake straw Godzilla threw away after gorging at Fleeing Citizens Burgers Drive-In. (FYI: Their chili cheese fries are to die for.)

MARRY F*** KILL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Five estranged college friends reunite to attend their friend’s funeral after a shocking suicide. Scarred by a past betrayal that led to the ultimate demise of their friendship, an innocent game of Marry F**k Kill spawns into something far more sinister than they could have imagined.”

So this Marry F**k Kill game — I looked everywhere on Amazon.com™ and couldn’t find it. Maybe they have it at Hustler Superstore™.

BLOODTHIRSTY BEES (aka THE HIVE) / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“The biological experiment of the Japanese army failed. A group of infected bloodthirsty bees attacked the experimenters and fled into the mountain forest. When Taoyuan Village in the middle of the mountain forest held a bonfire event, the mutant bees attacked the village, causing heavy casualties.”

It’d be really funny if Bloodthirsty Bees starred Sting.

ELECTRIC CHILD / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A computer scientist has a newborn son who suffers from a rare neurological disorder. The father then makes a deal with the artificial intelligence he is developing. If he manages to cure his son, he grants the life form in his supercomputer its freedom. This sets off a chain reaction that also has consequences for the outside world.”

Supercomputer gone wild movies have been around for awhile, prime examples being HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer) in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Colossus in The Forbin Project (1970). And I’ll never forget that time my 1982 Commodore 64 supercomputer outsmarted me at Pong…and then digitally LOL’d right on the 640×400 resolution screen. Supercomputers are so rude.

Turkish Dracula

1953’s Drakula İstanbul’da — painstakingly translated to Dracula in Istanbul, paints the Prince of Darkness in humorless hues. (Actually, the movie is in black and white, but Dracula was/is a pretty colorful guy.) This Turkish Dracula is balding, has crayon tip fangs pointing opposite directions, and is only interested in real estate deals and juicing your neck.

Drakula İstanbul’da is a re-vamping (heh) of the 1928 novel Kazıklı Voyvoda (Impaler Voivode). And that book was a near photocopied translation of Bram Stoker’s novel that brought Dracula into the mainstream. Only difference is the Mina character is a stripper (um, I mean “showgirl”) and Dracula boot lick Renfield is nowhere to be found. (He’s probably in some basement eating the life force of bugs.)

Drakula is hungry and his feeding techniques look more like he’s leaning in to tell you a bawdy joke rather than a perforation. His target is two young ladies, one of whom has a mysterious secret: sleepwalking. Scary, but assured it’ll go away once she’s married. (Heard that doesn’t work with uncontrollable flatulence.)

Drakula is hunted down in a long and boring process (the only chills would be if you watched this in the Antarctica with the windows open), and dispatched with a medium rare stake through the heart as applied with a rock. Time to take down the anti-Drakula decorations — all garlic must go. “But I use it to cook with,” says Mina, who protests she won’t be able to make her eggplant recipe without it. (No person in their right mind would eat that crap anyway, so better to just move on to mac ’n cheese and give up this eggplant madness and schemes.)

Dracula isn’t the only intellectual property grave Istanbul has robbed. Superman, Flash Gordon, Zorro, Captain America, Batman, Tarzan, Satan and Spider-Man (as a green-suited criminal) have all been given a Turkish bath, and look like they were dressed in clothes their moms made them. Final note: You haven’t any idea of what Istanbul is all about until you’ve seen Turkish Batman cavort with ladies of burlesque.

P.S. For some prime hardcore Turkish horror action, check out Baskin (2015), wherein four cops enter the foyer of Hell when they happen upon a Black Mass in an abandoned building. Hope you have a strong stomach. Otherwise it’s recycled eggplant time.

The Horror of Turkish Horror

When one thinks of Turkey (the country, not the tasty Thanksgiving day featured attraction) – whose food staples include yogurt salads, fish in olive oil, and stuffed and wrapped vegetables – you don’t think of cutting edge and taboo-free horror movies. But you should.

One of the biggest horror hits ever from that country with an annual precipitation averages about 15 inches is Siccin (pronounced “Sich-in”), released in 2014 (available for $31.82 on Amazon.com). To say it was acimasiz (“brutal” in Turkish), is an understatement. Here’s the arsa (plot)…

“Öznur is a young and beautiful woman. She has had a platonic love since childhood to Kudret, who is her cousin. Kudret, however, is married to a woman named Nisa and is very happy. Jealous, Öznur uses terrible black magic to change this so that she and Kudret will be together. However, she is not prepared for the evil that this spell unleashes.”

Again, an understatement. The evil stuff is unflinchingly graphic and double nasty. So it made sense they would follow it up with Siccin 2: Every Living Thing Will Taste Death in 2015:

“Sweetly is in love with his cousin since childhood has become Might obsession. Might be married to Nisa’s mind is blocked for a while, he has been happily married since Kudret final decision. Succumbing to passion Sweetly looks larger land to achieve a solution on behalf of prohibited sake. Nisa demons haunting the spell. After five Isha prayers by Talisman Nisa and death will meet with his blood.”

Okay, clunky description (thanks for nothing, Google Translate™). The cousin love theme notwithstanding, more crazy sick demons (ramped up from Siccin) and free-flowing kovalars (buckets) of human juice.

Again, a mega hit. But like Turkey’s bankable weather (summers are consistently hot and dry, with temperatures often above 86 °F), Siccin 3: Curmi Love, a second sequel, has been announced, releasing in Turkish theaters on September 2nd, 2016. (You can book a flight there on any of Turkey’s 98 airports, including 22 international airports.) And as hardcore horror goes, Siccin 3 raises the bar even higher. First, the plot (arsa):

“After a terrible car accident, Sedat will do anything to save a childhood friend – even if it means dealing with demons and ghosts.”

Doesn’t quite sell it. But when you watch the trailer and get a taste of the press pics, you will indeed bok your pants. (Hoping you figure out what “bok” means.) A flight/hotel to Turkey on Expedia.com™ goes for an affordable $992.00. Siccin – money well spent.

Terror Birds: Droppings From the Sky

Terror Birds, as the ad poster indicates in entry level Photoshoppery, is “hatching soon.” As you can see, there is a monster bird claw coming out of a giant egg. And hatching is what giant eggs do. So that makes it a clever turn of phrase, yes?

No. It’s Art Institute™ grade advertising at best. But I digress. The real reason for griping is that Terror Birds, an obvious cash-in to Jurassic World’s (2015) rampaging box office success using once-thought extinct dino birds as the movie’s antagonists, has already been done. Several times, in fact.

One example: Pterodactyl, starring “terror birds,” was released in 2005 and had rap star Coolio shooting machine guns at the prehistoric monsters. (Not a fan of rap music, but Coolio is pretty dang cool.) Terror Birds stars a bunch of generic, scrubbed and polished white kids straight outta Scooby-Doo™ and/or Disney™. There’s your target audience right there.

On top of this, Terror Birds even steals concept art from Pterodactyl to the point of plagiarism. But that’s the least of anyone’s worries, as you can see by the plot:

“When Maddy Stern discovers her father has gone missing during a routine birdwatching excursion, she and her college pals trek out into the wilderness to find him, only to end up in a wealthy scientist’s desolate ranch aviary, where they encounter a pair of giant, hungry terror birds believed to be extinct for centuries.”

Now compare that to the plot of Pterodactyl: “A dormant volcano deep with the Turkish forest holds within it a deadly secret. Perfectly preserved, a nest of pterodactyl eggs are ready to hatch…”

Couple that with Coolio, steaming piles of pterodactyl droppings, machine guns, a volcano, and you have quality sci-fi entertainment. (Note to anyone who gives a dropping: stick it out to the end; there’s a final scene that’s pretty coolio.)

P.S. For all you hard-core pterodactyl fans, seek out The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec (aka, Les Adventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-Sec/2010): “A popular (and supermodel hot) novelist flies around 1912 Paris on the back of a pterodactyl, dealing with her would-be suitors, the cops, and monsters.” Fun movie, but unfortunately no machine guns. Or Coolio, who wouldn’t be born for another 51 years. Pitié.

Baskin Evil

Baskin is another one of those indie foreign horror movies I saw a trailer for about 1,300 beers ago, but have dutifully waited for its release while sitting in a dive bar. Judging by the new trailer, my patience is about to be rewarded.

First, the plot: “A group of Turkish police called in to a desolate area stumble upon a squalid and blood-soaked den of satanic ritual. Baskin is a visceral trip into the darkest pits of a very palpable evil.”

That’s an understatement. Baskin sports one of the more goopy/gory/goon-out trailers in recent memory.

First heard of Baskin in 2013, but was alerted through the e-grapevine it’s premiering at the 40th Annual Toronto Film Festival 2015 during the “Midnight Madness” line-up. Wish I could go, but I can’t stay up that late.

Some funny trivia about Baskin I copied/stole off the Internet: “The film was shot independently in Istanbul, Turkey, during the height of the police brutality and Gezi resistance that hit the headlines worldwide. It was a risky night shoot with actors dressed as cops, two police cars, and a live goat.”

A goat. I thought those things were extinct. That they found a live one means this movie is gonna kick göt, which ironically sounds like “goat” but is translated from Turkish to “ass.” Heh.