Archive for Ohio

Aliens, Extraterrestrials, Space Brothers

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fifty Shades of Greys

Besides being a well-researched book on extraterrestrial visitations and the infamous the Roswell Incident (UFO ran a red light, crashed, and we put the alien driver in jail and denied bail) and beyond, it’s the title that’s pretty dang clever: Fifty Shades of Greys. Man, that’s funny because greys are what we call aliens, probably because they look so depressed all the time.

Fifty Shades of Greys

Written by Raymond Szymanski, a retired Air Force Engineer, the 2016 book claims that the UFOs and aliens from the outrageous 1947 Roswell Incident were brought to the Wright – Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio to be examined and kept in obscure covered passageways. That’s a pretty bold proclamation. An Air Force base in Dayton, Ohio, home of Orville Wright, the guy who invented UFOs? Mr. Szymanski — you just hit pay dirt.

Another coincidence, then, that we’re being invaded with movies and documentaries of our depressed space brothers. Here are a few just released sci-fi movies and UFO documentaries to give you a few more shades of greys…

Aliens: Zone of Silence

ALIENS: ZONE OF SILENCE (available now)
“After her brother vanishes from the Mexican desert, a young woman sets out to uncover the truth about his disappearance. When she discovers an extraterrestrial presence, she must risk her life to expose the desert’s otherworldly secret.”

An almost note-for-note rip-off of The Phoenix Incident (2015), The Phoenix Tapes ’97 (2016) and Phoenix Forgotten (2017). Despite the plagiarism, the fact this is YET ANOTHER found footage flick should make you wanna better spend your time elsewhere, like abducting beers.

Alien Contact: Outer Space

ALIEN CONTACT: OUTER SPACE (available now)
Many people think of Space as a quiet and desolate vacuum of emptiness, but new evidence reveals that space is rife with activity beyond our comprehension. Just as we sent Voyager and Pioneer probes beyond our solar system, aliens have probes of their own that may have arrived as early as the 1600’s. While Tesla was the first to successfully communicate with neighboring worlds using radio waves, we have received recent signals from intelligent sources. In 1989, Russian Space Probe Phobos 2 photographed a UFO on the surface of Mars just prior to losing contact. Scientists have determined that the craft was real and of a thin elliptical shape over 20 miles in length. We are not alone in outer space and while the aliens may be initiating contact, they could also be here already.”

Seems to me if aliens wanted to contact us they would just send us an IM on Spacebook™ or something. Or maybe its because they haven’t found intelligent life here on Earth worth talking to. That’s probably it.

E.T. Contact: They Are Here

E.T. CONTACT: THEY ARE HERE (available now)
E.T. Contact: They Are Here documents the jaw-dropping stories of individuals from around the world who share similar accounts of extraterrestrial and otherworldly encounters. Through a series of groundbreaking on-camera experiments on human DNA, and interviews with leading scientists, viewers will find themselves pondering the nature of their own reality or yet the true origin of the human species. E.T. Contact may ultimately show that the traditionally unexplained is, in fact, far more attributable to science than fiction.”

The trailer for this one is pretty funny as it features straight-faced academics supporting the belief of extraterrestrials’ existence and, by extension, their frequent visitations to learn how our back doors work. Take heed, space brother; I just ate a Taco BellFiery Doritos Locos Taco Supreme™.

Alien Convergence

ALIEN CONVERGENCE (available now)
“When flying reptilian aliens begin to take over the world, the remaining survivors must band together and fight back with newly developed fighter jets.”

Aliens can fly? Well dang — that makes ’em even cooler than first thought. Aside from complexion, wondering, though, how this differs from Flying Monkeys (2013)?

Map of Monsters

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monsters in America

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

Monsters in America

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

Monsters in America

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

UFO

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

Monsters in America

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

Monsters in America

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.

 

Confessions of a Horror Icon

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Confession of Fred Krueger

Did you know Freddy Krueger’s middle name is Charles, or that he was originally known as the Springwood Slasher? I’ve watched all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies/sequels and did not know that. Maybe it came up, but I was probably in the kitchen looking for a sandwich of some kind to fill that empty place in my stomach the Elm Street movies left in me.

So why, after 10 movies and a somewhat craptacular TV series in 2005 (A Nightmare on Elm Street: Real Nightmares), am I still feeling unfulfilled? Because there simply wasn’t enough backstory on Freddy. Oh sure, they tried to half-assedly throw something together in the 2010 re-make. But to my sandwich-minded mind, it wasn’t enough.

The Confession of Fred Krueger

Now, with the release of the fan made film The Confession of Fred Krueger, I might be able to get some closure. Debuting at Indianapolis’ Horror Hound Weekend in September, CoFK looks to fill in all the gaping holes in the Freddy Krueger mythology. Here’s what’s in store…

The Confession of Fred Krueger

“The Springwood Police Department has just arrested a man named Fred Krueger, a janitor at the local power plant whom they believe to be the notorious Springwood Slasher. A filthy child murderer who killed 20 children over a five year long reign of terror on the nice suburban Ohio town. Krueger has been brought to the station to be interrogated by the department’s senior lieutenant. Sit down with one of the most charismatic and sinister man to ever walk the earth and hear him tell his story.”

Time to go grocery shopping for some sandwich fixins – don’t want to miss a single bite of this one.

Bigfoot Is The Something In The Woods

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Something In The Woods

Have you ever seen a Bigfoot? If so, did you offer yourself as a blood sacrifice that resulted in your death? Do you have fur growing where there was no fur before? More importantly, have you ever been to Ohio?

If you’ve answered yes to one or more of the questions, then you’re just the person to see Something In The Woods, a new Sasquatch horror movie, making its premier in Ohio on May 15th at Salt Fork Lodge & Conference Center, which hosts the biggest Bigfoot conference in the world. (Note to self: Move to Ohio.)

Something In The Woods has this to say about that: “Strange and scary things happen at small family farm. but for John Hartman there is only one thing to do – stand his ground against something that the rest of the world says doesn’t exist – until he realizes that nothing is more important than the safety of his family.”

Small Farm John is doing the right thing by protecting his fam fam. But in the trailer, John is shown brandishing a weapon as a mode of defense. When will humans learn? Bullets bounce off Bigfoot as though he was from Krypton. Best to just hand over some berries, maybe a breakfast pig and whatever cash you have on hand, and just walk away. If you value your life.