Scary Clothes, Electrocuties, Apocalypse On The Rocks

Horror merch sites are like porn websites — just when you think you’ve seen ‘em all, a new one pops up. While most are pretty dang cool (Fright-Rags, Pizza Printing Party, Nightmare Toys), few are as maniacally colorful and bent brain wild as BeastWreck. Shirts of their original horror/sci-fi art will actually scare your other shirts right out of the closet, or in my case, the clean pile, which looks a heckuva lot like the dirty pile.

BreastWreck’s melding of horror and pop culture is printed on the aforementioned shirt, but hoodies, stickers, decals (fancy name for stickers), lapel pins, key chains, and patches as well. Need frameable art? BW’s art print horror homages to Gigan, The Thing, Friday the 13th and RoboCop are essential interior decorating, or in my case, inferior decorating.

While you click here to get some of BeastWreck’s awesome swag, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/series that may or may not belong in a clean pile…

THE HEADMISTRESS / March 3, 3023 (VOD)

“When a debt-ridden teacher inherits an abandoned lakefront inn, she and a group of potential buyers visit the property, where they discover a dark, sinister secret and a malignant supernatural presence determined to keep them there forever.”

It’s called a mortgage.

THE POWER / March 31, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of teenage girls mysteriously develop a special power that allows them to electrocute people at will.”

You mean teenage girls don’t already have that power?

SPIN THE WHEEL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the last hours of the world complete strangers all find their way to a local watering hole to enjoy a few beverages for their last hours of existence. Little do they know that a man named Lou may or may not be the Devil. He offers each of them a chance to save the world, but only if they can beat him at a game of Russian Roulette. Each stranger in the bar has their own secrets, which slowly surface throughout the game’s runtime.”

The world is ending and you’re only having a “few” beverages? I’d drink like there’s no tomorrow. 

WHAT THE WATERS LEFT BEHIND: SCARS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“An Anglo-American indie rock band winds up stranded in Epecuén, where their internal conflicts and the bad luck of their tour quickly lose importance before the hell that awaits them.”

Epecuén is located in the Buenos Aires Province of Argentina and is famous for being flooded in 1985 when a dam broke and became known as the town that drowned. What this has to do with the movie I have no idea. But it sounds like a better plot than whatever this one has.

Giant Screen Giant Monster, Accidental UFO, Psychiatric Demon

Godzilla is coming to town. But this time he’ll be a little less destructive on your real estate and moderately so on your wallet-sized purse. Fathom Events™ is bringing Godzilla: Tokyo SOS (2003) back to the big screen with some extras that’ll pop your corn.

From Fathom’s™ press release: “Godzilla is roaring back into theaters! Fathom Events™ and Toho International™, the Japanese studio’s U.S.-based subsidiary that brought classic Godzilla to life, announced today that Godzilla: Tokyo SOS is coming to theaters for the first time in the U.S. in celebration of the film’s 20th anniversary. This one-day-only event will take place on the big screen in over 600 theaters across the U.S. on March 22, 2023 and will feature the film with subtitles along with bonus content every fan will love, including a special showing of Godzilla vs. Gigan Rex, a short that debuted at the 2022 Japan Godzilla Festival as a sequel to G vs. G (2019).”

In case you never saw or heard of Godzilla: Tokyo SOS, here’s a plot snapshot: “Mothra and her fairies return to Japan to warn mankind that they must return Kiryu to the sea, for the dead must not be disturbed. However, Godzilla has survived to menace Japan leaving Kiryu as the nation’s only defense.” Amazing fun fact: “SOS” in Japan stands for “Sushi On A Shingle.”

While you flee to Fathom Events™ website to see if Godzilla will be stopping by your zip code (click this), here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be a fathomable event…

ACCIDENTAL TRUTH: UFO REVELATIONS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“The truth can no longer be contained by those duty-bound to hide it. Officials who interact with the public regarding the UFO question openly acknowledge that they know things that they can’t reveal. In Accidental Truth, the reality of an advanced intelligence engaging humanity becomes undeniably clear; You will witness revelations on UFOs/UAPs from government insiders that have never been previously shared with the public.”

Yesterday’s papers. We already know ETs have been coming here and interacting with our feces. The government should get a new job.

NEFARIOUS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“On the day of his scheduled execution, a convicted serial killer gets a psychiatric evaluation during which he claims he is a demon. And further claims that before their time is over, the psychiatrist will commit three murders of his own.”

I think this one came out in theaters (limited) in April of 2022. I was having a psychiatric evaluation all that month, and missed it. Turns out I’m a demon!  

INVOKING YELL / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Set in 1997 in the south of Chile, a trio of metal-head twenty-something girls venture into the woods to shoot a demo tape for their black metal band, Invoking Yell, while also documenting the eerie and unsettling process of recording electronic voice phenomena in the woods for the final track.”

I guess you could go in the woods to record electronic voice phenomena, though you run the risk of being punked by social media woodchuck secretly recording you recording him to post online. Who needs that in their life?

DARK WINDOWS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Four teenagers were involved in a car crash. One of them dies, and when the others are blamed for her death, they decide to stay at a summerhouse in the countryside to get out of town and work through their grief. Then a masked man starts to terrorize them.”

We already know what you did last summer. We seen the other movies with the exact same plot. Note to teens: stay in school, don’t do drugs and let the masked man do his job.

Godzilla Party, The Relocated Dead, Evil Grandma

Calling all Gojira fans: The 6th Annual Godzilla Festival returns to Japan on November 3, 2022, celebrating the 68th anniversary of the Godzilla series. Those without bus service to Japan can breathe a non-radioactive sigh of relief — you’ll be able to “attend” G-Fest via a free-to-access online live stream. They haven’t posted the link yet, but go HERE for the eventual hook-up. As for the physical location of the festival, you can look it up on…Godzillow™ (Heh).

The press release for the event gives us the deets: “This year, Godzilla Fest will primarily celebrate the 50th anniversary of director Jun Fukuda’s Godzilla vs. Gigan, unveiling a brand new suit from modeler Shinichi Wakasa recreating the Showa-era Gigan design. Additionally, this event will also exhibit the replica Godzilla (1954) suit design as well as a Godzilla suit from 2004’s Godzilla: Final Wars.”

“Kazuhiro Nakagawa is currently directing a third tokusatsu short film featuring the newly constructed Gigan suit. Furthermore, the long-awaited sequel to Gemstone’s G vs. G short fan film will be released at Godzilla Fest 2022. A trailer for this new short, Godzilla vs. Gigan Rex, has been released on YouTube™.” (Watch it HERE)

While we’re waiting to be livestreamed on, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a guy in a rubber suit…

SHOT IN THE DARK / October 4, 2022 (VOD)

“Two years ago, William Langston made a mistake that would affect the course of his life. Now, with a killer loose and his circle of friends falling away one at a time, William faces his greatest fears as well as his own mortality.”

My greatest fear is sobriety.

POSSESSION / October 7, 2022 (VOD)

“A priest has been tasked with deciding the location of a new church for the local mining company, which reveals itself to be on top of an old Sami burial ground. After removing the remains, the dead come alive and haunt the settlers.”

Some background on the relocated Sami (last name not Hagar): “In the 17th century, the Sami believed each body contained two types of spirits: the ‘free soul’ moves on to the afterlife, while the ‘body soul’ stays behind.” Lemme get this straight — one half of their soul goes on to party while the other soul gets left behind on a Friday night? Harsh.

THE ACCURSED / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“A young woman is forced to return home following the death of her mother. Consumed by guilt and desperate to escape the haunting visions playing out in her head, she takes a temporary caregiver position for a comatose old lady living alone in the woods. It does not take long before she realizes not all is as it seems and that the old lady harbors a demonic secret her daughter is intent on passing on.”

The “demonic secret” is why old ladies smell like they do, which is a cross between a hallway closet and a damp fruit cellar. 

CHURCH OF DARKNESS / November 8, 2022 (VOD/DVD)

“David, a devout Christian teen boy, moves to a new town and discovers a sinister underground society flourishing under the protection of the mayor. When he learns of their evil plans and sacrificing rituals, he knows he must try and save the citizens of the town. Alone and afraid his own faith is tested when he discovers it may be too late.”

Sinister underground society? Evil plans? Sacrifice rituals? Where is this party town and how do I join their Horror Chamber of Commerce? 

Sculpted Monsters, Devil’s Food, Undead Nazi Airbnb

As the countdown clock has begun for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019), talk around the grocery store (condiments aisle) is that King Ghidorah, one of G’s most formidable foes, will somehow be involved in an epic fracas that will no doubt end up with garbage cans being tipped over and flower gardens thoughtlessly trampled on. The implications are staggering.

On the eve of what looks to be the biggest Godzilla movie of all time and space, comes an incredible art piece of King Ghidorah reimagined as Shin Ghidorah from crazy talented 3D sculptor/artist, Dope Pope. (And no, “Shin” does not refer to KG’s legs.)

You can buy this must-have illustration online. While you’re salivating, take a look at Dope Pope’s other otherworldly 3D illustrations: everything from Godzilla and Mutos, to Gigan and the Cloverfield Monster. (DP designs monsters for video games and Jesus. Kidding — no word on whether Dope Pope has even met Godzilla’s son, Jesuszilla.)

Before you put your bus change into an envelope and mail it to Dope Pope, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as dope as the Pope…

THE DEVIL’S RESTAURANT (available now)
“A struggling restaurant manager makes a deal with the Devil, who lures endless patrons to his flailing restaurant, but in return the manager must feed the guests to a demon who lurks in the basement. Business is booming, and the reviews are glowing, that is until an unwitting waiter stumbles into the basement.”

Order the filet of soul — I hear it’s to die for.

THE BANISHED (available now)
“A disabled man is haunted by the torture he suffered as a child when his terminally ill half-sister returns to their small Upstate New York town seeking answers to why their mother abandoned her 40 years before, which sets them both on a tragic and horrific journey.”

Yeesh — if I knew I was terminally ill, I’d be going to Disneyland™ instead of Upstate New York where I seriously doubt they have a Splash Mountain™.

LIVING SPACE (aka, Nazi Undead/available now)
“A romantic holiday in Germany turns into a nightmare when a young couple discover that their lodgings are haunted by the ghost of a Nazi SS officer convicted for the murder of his family. Trapped in a vortex of horror, they must escape the house or suffer the same fate.”

Missed this one when it had a limited release in 2018. (I was planning my vacation to spelunk Splash Mountain™.) I may have tagged this one before, but am just too unmotivated (hungover) to check. Originally titled Living Space, it was changed to Nazi Undead for the DVD/VOD release. That has more zing.

PERFECT (June 21, 2019)
“A mother sends an emotionally-troubled young man to a clinic, where modernist serenity whispers soothing promises of perfection. By planting plug-and-play characteristics directly into his own body, he is relieved of his dark, twisted visions, but his body pays the price for purity of mind.”

Sounds like me after a week of binge-drinking.

Godzilla Vs. An Extraterrestrial Can Opener

The Japanese literal translation of Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972) is Earth Destruction Directive: Godzilla vs. Gigan. Cool, but a lot of syllables. The U.S. version was titled Godzilla on Monster Island. They didn’t ask me if they could change it.

Giant insect aliens from Space Hunter Nebula-M come to Earth to colonize it (i.e., poop and pee on it). They do this by destroying everything in order to bring peace. (Big deal – we’ve already been doing that for years.) Masquerading as humans, the alien’s plans were captured on a tape recorder, and when played back, caught ears of Godzilla and Anguirus, who were hanging out on Monster Island, catching some rays.

Godzilla sends his little beer b*tch Anguirus to check out the problem. That they do this back talking to each other – in English – really lent credibility to the plot (Their conversation sounds like something a hip-hop DJ does to vinyl.) But Godzilla knew he was gonna have to put on his work clothes and go knock boots with the aliens.

Godzilla gets punched out and Gigan, who has a helmet with a cyclops eye, giant hook hands and a wicked neck-to-nut buzz-saw that, when activated, wrecks your shirt and everything in it, goes to mount him in a total Brokeback Mountain (2005) maneuver. That looked really uncomfortable. But the prison sex moment was interrupted by Anguirus. That was close. King Ghidorah also dog-piles on the party without being invited.

Comical over carnage, the only people watching 1970s Godzilla movies at this point were kids – and me.