Archive for goat

Hippie Wizard

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Simon, King of the Witches

“My name is Simon. I live in a storm drain.”

The first line of dialogue from Simon, King of The Witches, one of the most comedic straight-played psychedelic “horror” movies of the early Seventies (1971 to hit the nail on the head).

Simon, King of the Witches

Yep, Simon Sinestrari is homeless, broke and dripping with the kind of chunky liquids that frequent the sewer systems. “Many call me a warlock. But I am one of the true magicians.” Forty seconds into the movie and you’re wondering why Simon isn’t conjuring himself a rain coat and a penicillin shot.

Simon, King of the Witches

A true huckster who believes in his own huck, Simon hooks up with a male prostitute (as friends – don’t get your freak on), who introduces the scheming wizard to a world of illegal drugs and the kinds of Wiccan parties your parents used to have when they weren’t thinking of having you. Oh, and there’s a goat. (Hey, the thing was important to the plot.) It’s here Simon works the crowd for coins and croissants.

Simon, King of the Witches

Simon’s best magic trick is keeping a straight face when repeatedly chanting a goofy spells to get laid. Example – Naked, Simon fiddles with a dagger while standing over an equally naked chick on a ceremonial buffet table. “Charge, magnetic, charge, electric…” The knife flings out of his hand as he embarrassingly shrugs, “I failed.” Statistically, that happens to all warlocks at one time or another.

Simon, King of the Witches

Wading through puddles of LOL dialogue, Simon’s Rent-a-Center™ magic skills puts him face-to-face with a glowing, floating red ball that comes complete with its own hippie sci-fi soundtrack to indicate it’s great and powerful power. The glow ball leads Simon to a talking floor-length mirror, which is really an entrance to another realm. Of course Simon has to go through the looking glass – he’s a wizard, man.

Simon, King of the Witches

So what does he encounter? Swirly hippie visuals, a chick in a nightie begging for help, more space-y visuals ripped off from 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). Like all good parties, it has to come to an end – with a cop bust, an O.D.’d chick, a corrupt District Attorney, and two freaked out drug pushers, who track him down to his drain condo stab Simon in the gut drain four times with a dagger of all things.

Simon, King of the Witches

But hey, Simon is the king of witches, b*tches – his disembodied voice floats over things floating in the sewer as he sums it up from beyond: “Death is only temporary. Think about that for a while…”

I will, Simon. I will.

Baskin Evil

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Baskin

Baskin is another one of those indie foreign horror movies I saw a trailer for about 1,300 beers ago, but have dutifully waited for its release while sitting in a dive bar. Judging by the new trailer, my patience is about to be rewarded.

First, the plot: “A group of Turkish police called in to a desolate area stumble upon a squalid and blood-soaked den of satanic ritual. Baskin is a visceral trip into the darkest pits of a very palpable evil.”

Baskin

That’s an understatement. Baskin sports one of the more goopy/gory/goon-out trailers in recent memory.

First heard of Baskin in 2013, but was alerted through the e-grapevine it’s premiering at the 40th Annual Toronto Film Festival 2015 during the “Midnight Madness” line-up. Wish I could go, but I can’t stay up that late.

Baskin

Some funny trivia about Baskin I copied/stole off the Internet: “The film was shot independently in Istanbul, Turkey, during the height of the police brutality and Gezi resistance that hit the headlines worldwide. It was a risky night shoot with actors dressed as cops, two police cars, and a live goat.”

Baskin

A goat. I thought those things were extinct. That they found a live one means this movie is gonna kick göt, which ironically sounds like “goat” but is translated from Turkish to “ass.” Heh.