Can’t We All Just Get A Kong? Leprechaun Heck, Vampire Strippers

In biblical terms, King Kong is more popular than Zeus. And while Zeus may be the Olympian god of the sky and thunder, his marketable appeal is confined to Greek mythology and a couple of movies, whereas King Kong is a global deity, worshiped in every country on the planet, even the stinky ones. Need proof? Just look at all visual interpretations of Kong from various continents…particularly the stinky ones.

Prague. Japan. Yugoslavia (see “stink countries”). Turkey. Spain. There is no place on Earth where Kong is not king. And images of our simian savior can fetch prices from as little as $15 in fun coupons/Benjamins/cabbage/smack smacks, all the way up to $1,000 pocket pals/doubloons/gwop/sawbucks for lovingly restored vintage prints.

So while we all go look under couch cushions and long abandoned fanny packs for loose cheddar/clams/lucre/quid to buy bootleg prints of King Kong on Etsy™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost a lot of pesos/moolah/Lincolns/frog skins to rent…

JOVI & LOU / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™), May 2023 (Tubi™)

An irreverent and sometimes offensive dark comedy in a world where Jovi (God) and Lou (Satan) negotiate the fate of all humanity, one game piece at a time. After his wife Mary sinks into a coma after a car wreck, Joey strikes a bargain with the sinister Lou to save her. His quest for her salvation leads him behind the scenes to the realm of the immortals, where humans are merely pawns in Jovi and Lou’s games.

God’s first name is Jovi and Satan’s first name is Lou? Given their career choices, you’d think they could come up with something more appealing, like Self-Righteous Shelly and Malevolent Mark.

SEVEN ANGELS / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven Angels, a famous girl band from Indonesia, consisting of Stella, Carla, Dian, Anggun, Amy, Tari and Mika go on vacation to Melbourne, Australia where they socialize with a local singer named Mark. Mark takes the girls of Seven Angels to Aradale Lunatic Asylum, a former haunted asylum with a dark and horrific history.”

You’re a dude with seven chicks and you take ’em to a haunted asylum? Were you born in a monastery?

THE WATCHERS / JUNE 24, 2024 (THEATERS)

“Mina, a 28-year old artist gets stranded in an expansive, untouched forest in western Ireland. When Mina finds shelter, she unknowingly becomes trapped alongside three strangers that are watched and stalked by mysterious creatures each night.”

Leprechauns. And no amount of Lucky Charms™ will save you from them.

SAMMY SLICK: VAMPIRE SLAYER Relese pending crowdfunding, 2023 (VOD)

“In the dark and seedy streets of Ybor City, FL, Vampire Investigator Sammy Slick vows to rid the city of its blood sucking inhabitants once and for all. After a dancer from Foxy’s Strip Club comes to him with her suspicions that the club’s new owner is luring men in as potential prey, Sammy and his trusty sidekick Ash set out to prove her right and bring down the vampiress. Along the way they are met with obstacles, vampiric adversaries, and vampire strippers.”

Vampire strippers. Just don’t tip ‘em with bulbs of garlic. That’ll get you thrown out of the club.

Hellish Accommodations, Accidental UFOs, Ghost With Three Names

Hotel Hell is an AI-generated travelers lodging and, if it were real, could very well usurp Hilton’s Curio Collection™ as THE place to stay while visiting downtown Portland, OR or Purgatory (same thing). As iHorror.com™ perfectly sums it up, “With its spacious Satanic-themed lobby and Baphomet bedrooms, this hotel seems as if it were designed to accommodate the demons in all of us.” Wonder if the hotel offers free Necronomicon bibles (preferably first edition) in their nightstands?

Digitally designed by Ink Poisoning™ Apparel (who have a line of must-have evil clothing — follow ‘em on Instagram™), they describe it thusly: “We offer the worst accommodations imaginable, from cramped rooms, broken furniture, and an over heated pool. At Hotel Hell, the wicked are subjected to eternal suffering and torment. They are punished for their sins and denied any chance of redemption or escape. They are tortured and tormented in a variety of ways, from physical pain to psychological anguish. They are also denied any chance of rest or respite, as they are doomed to suffer for all eternity. So come and experience the ultimate in misery and despair at Hotel Hell!”

This place needs to be crowd-funded right now. So while we all drain the tens of dollars from our life savings to make it happen, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be as nightmarish as Hilton’s Curio Collection™… 

ACCIDENTAL TRUTH — UFO REVELATIONS / Out now (VOD)

“The truth can no longer be contained by those duty-bound to hide it. Officials who interact with the public regarding the UFO question openly acknowledge that they know things that they can’t reveal. In Accidental Truth — UFO Revelations, the reality of an advanced intelligence engaging with humanity becomes undeniably clear.”

This always cracks me up —“advanced intelligence engaging with humanity.” This is like saying extraterrestrials think we’re a bunch of Netscape 3 level dumbasses. Okay they’re not wrong. But geez, there’s no need to rub it in our Netscaped faces.

INSIDIOUS: THE RED DOOR / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“A direct sequel to the first two movies, the story is set 10 years after the end of Insidious 2, where Josh Lambert heads east to drop off his son Dalton at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly return to haunt them both.”

So this is the third title treatment given to an otherwise “meh” ghost’d franchise, the first two being Insidious: The Dark Realm and Insidious: Fear of the Dark, all of which suck in a sucky sort of way. P.S. I posted about this on December 2, 2022. The seas were rough that day and I had long since forgotten where I left my pants…

CRATER / May 12, 2023 (Disney+™)

“After the death of his father, a boy growing up on a lunar mining colony takes a trip to explore a legendary crater, along with his four best friends, prior to being permanently relocated to another planet.”

Ugh. Teen sci-fi. Still, it begs the question: why do meteors always seem to land in craters? I probably used that joke here before. Hey, if it ain’t broke…

NIGHT EXPLORERS: THE ASYLUM / Release pending 2023/2024

“When a group of urban explorers get the chance of a lifetime to explore one of the world’s most haunted asylums, they encounter something truly evil, that will not let them leave and will push them to the edge of sanity.”

I Goggle’d™ “world’s most haunted asylum” and it came up, “The Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in Weston, WV is widely regarded as one of the world’s most haunted places. It was built in the 1800s during the Civil War and contains a lot of secrets from that time until its closing in 1994.” And here all this time I thought it was the Tug Tavern. Now I’m super confused. Again.

Clap For The Wolfman, Jurassic Motorlodge, Magic Man

Horror movie soundtracks are for people who don’t like lyrics. No dis on instrumentals, but it’d be cool if rock music came with an option to hear just the music and not the caterwauling stylings of Axl Rose or that guy from Nickelback, the one with the facial hair.

But I digress. So what if there was a soundtrack to a horror movie that doesn’t even exist? Is that even legal? Apparently so, as you can now buy (or “purchase”) Meat For Wolfman (label: Somafree Institute) by the musically educated musicians Corey J. Brewer and Erik Blood under the pseudonym Blutbraüer. (Names are so much cooler with umlauts.)

Here’s what Fangoria™ says about such a harmonious and possibly illegal undertaking: “Fans of the soundtrack to Jess Franco’s Vampyros Lesbos and Francoise Du Roubaix’s music for Daughters Of Darkness be enticed: this finds a beautiful balance between the hypnotic, horrific and plain funky, using reverb, harpsichord, glockenspiel, disembodied voices and much more.” 

While you dust off your dancing shoes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be made better with a glockenspiel-enhanced soundtrack — or facial hair…

LEGIONS / December 2022 (VOD)

“Antonio is a sorcerer from a powerful bloodline, trapped in an asylum against his will. After an omen informs him that his daughter will be sacrificed by an evil entity, he must use his magical skills to escape and save her.”

So Antonio is a sorcerer. Wonder if he knows Harry Potter? Maybe those two could start a band: The Waving Wands. They could do a cover of “I Put A Spell On You.” Okay, there was no excuse for that. Caught in a shame spiral YET AGAIN.

DINOSAUR HOTEL 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Sienna is forced to play the games once again.”

Dinosaur Hotel (2021) was/is a British monster movie about “a survival game that pits prehistoric beasts against its contestants.” Extrapolated theory: Dinosaur Hotel 2 picks up where Dinosaur Hotel left off. FYI: I tried booking the Dinosaur Hotel on Expedia™. Best I could find was Mariott’s TownePlace Suites™, which is an easy 2.2 mile hitchhike to Dinosaur World in Plant City, FL. They have a pool.

MEDUSA’S VENOM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The beast is back and her venom is deadlier than ever. When newcomer Lola is welcomed into Medusa’s circle, she endures a ritual to bring her closer to her new sisters.”

In Greek mythology, the eternally aggro Medusa is considered the original Karen and is one of three Gorgon monsters. She has snakes for hair. Not sure what kind of shampoo one uses for that condition. Probably Dead & Shoulders™. Heh.

HUESERA: THE BONE WOMAN / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Valeria’s joy at becoming pregnant with her first child is quickly taken away when she’s cursed by a sinister entity. As danger closes in and relationships with her family become fractured, she’s forced deeper into a chilling world of dark magic that threatens to consume her. A group of witches emerge that could be her only hope for safety and salvation, but not without grave risk.”

I liked this better when it was called Rosemary’s Baby (1968).

A London Werewolf in London

“Lawrence, you’ve been a very bad boy…” 

The understatement of the century. And it accurately frames the 2010 re-boot of Universal’s least-groomed monster, The Wolfman.

After tearing up the 1891 countryside and all of its inhabitants like sale-priced steak tartar, Lawrence Talbot, actor and marauding werewolf, should probably be sent to his room. Or the dungeon, at the very least. And the drag of it is, it’s not Larry’s fault. He was only in town to attend his brother’s funeral and to find out who — or what — killed him. 

The locals think he was dispatched by the dancing bear the gypsies keep tied up at their camp out in the werewolf-infested woods. (In all fairness, the clues do point to a criminal bear, dance floor skills notwithstanding.) During a full moon raid on the camp, the police are overwhelmed by something whizzing by and opening the Christmas presents that are human torsos, limbs, and heads. Larry pursues, only to be mortally wounded by the beast. Whew — the bear finally has a corroborated alibi!

Larry’s healing powers are remarkable. Sir John, his dad, encourages Larry to let the “inner beast run wild.” (In those days, that meant eating people, not zooming around without underwear.) After a particularly robust night out on the moors removing heads, arms, and those icky wiggly organs, the cops show up the next day and arrest Larry, taking him to Lamberth Mental Care Health Facility (“asylum” for short), where he was once interred as a kid for treatment for social problems after seeing his mother die before his eyes. Yes, this is a clue to his current status.

Larry the Wolf gets loose in London and has a few hours to kill before calling it a night. He doesn’t waste time wasting people; you’d think there was a raw meat parade in town by the way he chews up the sights.

Gwen Conliffe, Larry’s dead brother’s fiancé, becomes hip to the chili con carnage and thinks she can help Larry. Don’t girls know anything? Love isn’t the answer  — heavy artillery is.

The final sequence is a real tail-puller, with Larry coming to grips with his disease and getting into one last dogfight before… C’mon, you knew how this was gonna end. Or did you? They wisely left the pet door open for a sequel that sadly never happened. Otherwise, a good time was had by all. Up to, and including the dancing bear. 

Military UFOs, Teen Witches, Holiday Flesh-Eaters

UFO fans can rejoice — a TV series is being developed around the famous 1980 Rendlesham Forest Incident, wherein American military personnel, stationed in England, not only encountered a landing UFO, but recorded their observations (on YouTube™) and even walked up and touched the glowing, freaky thing. (Hope they washed their hands, because, you know, space germs.)

From the press release: “The alleged sightings began on December 26, 1980 when U.S. Air Force security patrols stationed at RAF Woodbridge in Suffolk, England saw lights descending into nearby Rendlesham Forest. When servicemen went to investigate, they found a metallic object with glowing lights in the middle of the forest, and when approached the object moved through the woods, causing farm animals to panic. In daylight the next day, impressions were found in a triangular shape in the forest clearing, and on December 28, deputy base commander Lt. Col. Charles Halt and several other servicemen took radiation readings at the clearing and noticed lights in the distance.”

“The show will reportedly wave a complex family drama into the real-life events, which will span the 1980s through to 2020, which will mark the 40th anniversary of the Rendlesham incident.”

I’ve seen lots of documentaries about Rendlesham and, despite the commercials, I want to believe. Thus is the power of television. Until the show premiers, which is in the works as we speak, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not want to believe in…

MERCY CHRISTMAS (available now/VOD)
“Mercy Christmas follows Michael Briskett as he meets the perfect woman. His ideal Christmas dream comes true when she invites him to her family’s holiday celebration. Michael struggles to survive once he realizes HE will be Christmas dinner.”

A cannibal Christmas movie? Another reason for the season. I’m no gourmet chef (although I do make a mean bowl of stove top popcorn), but what would be an appropriate wine pairing with holiday human flesh? My go-to would be Steel Reserve™ (okay, not really wine, but man, what a kick in the pants). Probably some red chardonnay that’s deep, complex and stays with you long after you’ve tasted it. Kinda like flesh. Hope they’re also serving those neat pop-up dinner rolls. It’s like eating fluffy chemicals, but man, what a kick in the taste buds.

THE DEVIL’S TOY BOX (available now/VOD)
“Cynthia O’Neil enters a haunted asylum known as the Madison Seminary in search of her father who went missing in the asylum while shooting a reality television show.”

Kinda makes you wonder what the Devil considers toys. Slasher Gumby? Silly Blob Putty? Matrix Monopoly? I’d buy ‘em. Just so we’re transparent here, The Devil’s Toy Box was also one of the names of Hellraiser’s (1987) The Lament Configuration (aka, Lemarchand’s Box), a puzzle box, that when solved/opened, would summon Hell’s most Goth entities to welcome you to their depths. As local urban legends go, The Devil’s Toy Box is also cabin in Louisiana that when occupied, makes people go insane. Probably because of intermittent Internet connection, questionable plumbing and no bars for your Evil Smart Phone.

THE LURKER (2018)
“A group of theatre students, celebrating their final show, begin to slowly disappear one at a time.”

Seriously? This is a horror movie? The students probably snuck off to partake in the weed, or in my case, Steel Reserve™.

THE WITCH FILES (2018)
“A group of marginalized young women form a powerful coven and find they have the ability to grant their every wish. Though they soon realize the danger of messing with powerful forces beyond their control.”

I liked this better when they called it The Craft (1996). So yeah, high school chick witches. I’ll stick with TV’s Sabrina, The Teenage Witch (1996 — 2003) ‘cause she’s such a cutie.

Provable Sea Monsters, Polish Slashers, Purple Aliens

Newsweek recently caught my attention with this headline: “Prehistoric, Dinosaur-Era Shark With Insane Teeth Found Swimming Off Coast of Portugal.” Well dang — they might as well have said, “Free Candy!”

The drool-worthy article, written by Dana Dovey, goes on to say that “The rare frilled shark is considered a ‘living fossil,’ as its makeup has remained unchanged for 80 million years. This summer, researchers found one alive and thriving off the coast of Portugal, adding evidence regarding the resilience of this ancient sea creature. The frilled shark has remained the same, both inside and out, since the time of the dinosaurs, with scientists dating it back to the Cretaceous Period, a time when the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Triceratops still roamed the planet.”

The article also goes on to say that the shark’s jaw has more than 300 teeth neatly lined in 25 rows. I bet this thing goes through 100 toothbrushes a month.

Even more entertaining were the article’s comments: “OK if I am ever 4,200 ft deep in the ocean off Portugal, I will make sure I avoid this shark.” “Unevolved and been around for millions of years before man? I don’t believe you. Where are the earlier pictures? You know, the ones from millions of years ago as proof.” “People will say this is Photoshopped, but ha! the joke’s on you. Photoshop didn’t exist in the Cretaceous Period.”

While I finish LOL-ing all over myself, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with story lines that may or may not have existed 80 million years ago…

FANTOM KILLER (available now)
“Beautiful women living in a small Polish town are being found butchered in unspeakably grotesque ways. As the police desperately search for clues which could lead to the identity of this misogynistic masked assailant, suspicion begins to mount against the strange younger brother of one of the officers, who had been previously confined to an asylum. Will this fiendish killer be unmasked before his bloodthirsty appetite needs to be satisfied once again?”

This one’s from Poland from back in 1998, and just recently being re-issued and released in the States. Heads up: this movie is in Polish, but with English sub-titles. Crap. I can barely speak English, let alone read it.

THE RIFT: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (November 28, 2017/VOD)
“An American military satellite crash lands in Eastern Serbia and a team of US and Serbian agents are dispatched to secure the remains of the satellite. But when they locate the crash site all is not as it seems.”

This a sequel to 2012’s The Rift? Heck-a-roo if I know. What I do know about The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon is that some astronauts cuttin’ a rug on the moon find a purple, shapeless, glowing alien life-form. Well hey — bring that lunar novelty back to Earth and see what kind of trouble they can make happen! Crossing fingers it’s one of those things you win at the county fair by throwing darts at balloons filled with purple hydrogen.

CUTLASS (December 12/VOD)
“A young tourist is abducted from her family into the jungles of Trinidad by a dangerous, armed sociopath. While the authorities and her family attempt to find her with no success, she is forced to mentally and physically outmaneuver her captor in an effort to stay alive and escape to safety.”

Sounds like this dumbass abducted the wrong woman. He’d have better luck going up against Trinidad’s infamous Rufous-vented chachalaca. (Watch that beak, dude.) I feel sorry for the sociopath.

SCARS OF XAVIER (2017)
“Xavier is a quiet 45-year-old man who lives in Prague. By day he works in a car wash service, but by night he is a brutal and vicious serial killer who primarily targets young women.”

A serial killer who preys on women. Two things — not original by any stretch of the imagination. Also, poor timing — women today, fed up with a-hole men, are about to take over the world. I’d go back to the car wash if I were you, X.

Fingernail Monsters, Rubber Killers, Haunted Pancakes

Lots of towns across the classroom map have annual charity haunted house events during the Halloween cash-in season. But Seattle, where I stash my empties, has a haunted morgue. Specifically, the Georgetown Morgue, a once refrigerated storage place to prep and primp corpses, in thriving business from 1928 to 1983. It’s since been turned into an extremely popular (and expensive) haunted house attraction every late September/early November.

What else makes this place so legendary cool is that it’s right next door to Hudson, a tiny breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinketeria, that’s so popular for its legendary pancakes (thicker than the plates they’re served on), if you don’t get there early, you’ll end up waiting in a line that stretches right to the Georgetown Morgue. The irony being that if you eat enough of those highly addictive chunky monkey pancakes, you’ll eventually end up in the morgue. (Blame the whole sticks of butter and overflowing quarts of syrup that come with each meal.)

The 2017 Georgetown Morgue Halloween schedule starts September 22 and runs through November 4. Standard nights will set you back a spooky $33.00 (Sunday through Thursday) and an adjusted value of $43.00 for prime Fridays and Saturdays — and that’s the VIP speedy line. (FYI: this will get you nine pancakes at Hudson — tip extra.)

While you wait in line to get in both the Georgetown Morgue and Hudson, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help keep your appetite for butter batter and syrup buckets full…

CLAWED (available now)
“Annie, a college student travels to the rugged backwoods of Montana to the home of legendary lawman Sheriff Randell Reynolds, where she will interview him for her paranormal podcast. The ex-lawman gives her a first-hand account of the horrific events known throughout the region as the notorious Montana Bear Claw Massacre.”

This one was earlier/tentatively titled, Sludge. Gotta say, there’s something very satisfying about that word. Maybe because it can be applied to a variety of social situations/church services. So do they come up against a giant donut (Bear Claw, get it?) Doing battle with a monstrous pastry in the woods seems like it’d be pretty cool. I’m totally gonna try it.

CULT OF CHUCKY (October 3, 2017/VOD/DVD)
Confined to an asylum for the criminally insane for the past four years, Nica Pierce is erroneously convinced that she, not Chucky, murdered her entire family. But when her psychiatrist introduces a new therapeutic “tool” to facilitate his patients’ group sessions — an all-too-familiar ‘Good Guy’ doll with an innocently smiling face — a string of grisly deaths begins to plague the asylum, and Nica starts to wonder if maybe she isn’t crazy after all.

Andy Barclay, Chucky’s now-grown-up nemesis from the original Child’s Play, races to Nica’s aid. But to save her he’ll have to get past Tiffany, Chucky’s long-ago bride, who will do anything, no matter how deadly or depraved, to help her beloved devil doll.”

Man, they’ve milked this cow hard. The first Child’s Play movie came out in 1988 — and now nearly 30 years and six sequels later, we’re still wondering how this happened. It’s like that joke you heard in elementary school that you keep repeating in bars/cocktail lounges as an adult. (Okay, guilty as charged. But dang, if the joke about the guy stumbling into a joke writer’s convention still kills me. If you don’t know how it goes, happy to re-tell it for the one millionth time.)

FOUND FOOTAGE 3D (October 26, 2017/Shudder)
“A group of low-budget filmmakers sets out to make ‘the first 3D found footage horror film,’ but find themselves in the first 3D found footage horror film when the evil entity from their movie escapes into their behind-the-scenes footage.”

You knew it was gonna end up this way. The karaoke of consumer-made “horror movies,” found footage has become such a painful joke, they’re gonna make you wear stupid cardboard “3D” glasses to watch their stupid concept. If the evil entity was smart, it’d not only escape the movie, but get on the next Bolt™ bus outta town.

CLAWS (2017)
Not to be confused with the 1977 nature-gone-wild horror movie or TV series that I won’t watch of the same name. That said, AMP Entertainment posted a developMENTAL trailer on YouTube™ back in April of 2014. Lost track of it since, until I recently stumbled right over it on the Internet of all places. Now it’s supposed to come out Christmas of 2017, which is like Halloween for Christians.

As the story goes a young kid, hiding behind the Christmas tree in hopes of discovering Santa’s secret identity (Saint Nick’s more of a home invasion kind of guy), watches as a “something” slaughters his family right before his peepers. Is it that super mean Krampus dude? Is it a holiday monster with some sort of “claw” instead of gift-wrapping fingers? Whatever the case, it didn’t take the cookies and milk that were left out, which means it’s more of a fresh meat fella. Have to wait a few more weeks to find out.

Hell Kids, Hell Zombies, Hell Stuff

As you/me/I/us/them/they wait IMPATIENTLY for Stranger Things 2 (premiering Friday, October 27, 2017), news comes down the super fun happy slide the surprise horror hit has already been renewed for a third season. I needed some good news after waiting all day for that !@#$ “once-in-a-lifetime” eclipse to somehow destroy the world. (I know the eclipse was for free, but dang — I feel gypped.)

The new Stranger Things 2 key art is a slick homage to 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street. When you think about it, sleep slasher Freddy Krueger’s dream state world is the ‘80s version of Stranger Thing’s The Upside Down alternate universe/dimension/golf course. Regardless, I’ll have to go back to hoping for Melancholia to smash into this toilet Earth for my world-destroying fantasies.

While we wait for that planet to pinball ours, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to help cope with the disappointing, non-destructo eclipse…

LITTLE EVIL (September 1, 2017/Netflix)
“Gary just married Samantha, only to find out that her 6-year-old son is the Antichrist.”

This horror comedy sounds fun/ny. But if the kid is the son of the Antichrist, does that men Samantha is the Mom Antichrist, or is this one of those, “it takes a village” things?

HELLRISER (October 9, 2017/UK)
“When their city is rocked by a series of brutal occult murders, veteran detective John Locke and his young partner Terri Keyes are forced to put aside their differences and follow the trail of evidence to a formerly abandoned asylum, where the new owner Dr. Unnseine is conducting his own brand of Nazi-inspired “medical research” on the unwilling inmates. One such inmate, the sexy but deadly Annie Dyer, may hold the key to the murders — and to the doorway to Hell itself — if only Locke and Keyes can stay alive long enough to discover what it is.”

As much as you’d think this is one of those Asylum Studio rip-offs, it is, unfortunately, from another source of rip-offery. Obviously, the title is lifted from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser (1987). Then there’s the “When there’s no more room in Hell…” kicker line on the key art, a bold shoplift from 1978’s Dawn of the Dead. Wondering why the filmmakers didn’t just put it all on the glass and have the zombies wearing Goth leather and walking around with nails in their heads, like those teens at the mall.

HAGAZUSSA: A HEATHEN’S CURSE (2018)
“Set in the 15th Century in the Austrian Alps, Hagazussa takes us back to a dark period when pagan beliefs of witches spread fear into the minds of the rural folk exploring the thin line between ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis.”

Ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis. That may be f’d up for those in the Austrian Alps, but for me it’s just another night at The Poggie Tavern. I like witches, though. The sexy ones on TV, not the stinky kind at the bar who smell like room temperature Steel Reserve malt liquor.

STILL/BORN (2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth, struggles with the loss. She starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

They kinda hand this one to us one a parsley-garnished platter — the “supernatural entity” is the twin that didn’t make it to market. (A theory, not a conclusion.) By the way, do you want me to tell you what you’re getting for Christmas?

Nightmare Man Is A Nightmare, Man

Nightmare Man (2006) is a patience-testing clichéd pile of movie droppings involving a big-boobed woman who believes a satanic nightmare monster creature man-thing is trying to feel her up. Spoiler: he is.

In a brilliant plot twist, the car taking her to an asylum by her husband runs out of gas out in the middle of nowhere. He gets out to walk/jog mildly 10 miles back to the nearest gas station, leaving her alone and screamy. Yawn if you’ve heard this before.

N-Man is in the trunk, chases her through the woods where she happens across a house with two teen couples partying. They take her in, only to become part of Nightmare Man’s plan, which is to kill everyone. The only shift in a very predictable direction comes when Ellen (the screamy big-boobed woman) turns out to be a succubus and makes hubby pay for his going AWOL (he had it planned all along). That she looks like a frat house Halloween costume is but sprinkles on a crap cake.

Yeah, Nightmare Man was intended as a dark comedy and some people liked it. I am not one of them. And I want my 90 minutes back, or the grocery coupon equivalent. But if the big-boobed woman would put ’em on the glass one more time, I’ll let it go.

Ghosts, Voodoo and Ex-Wives

I just figured this out the other day — it’ll take me 120 years to watch every horror/sci-fi movie ever made. And that’s IF Hollywood and all these do-it-yourself Scorceses stop making more of ’em right now; I don’t think I have much more than another 120 years left in me.

BLACKBURN (available now)
“A forest fire and rock-slide trap five bickering college friends in a small Alaskan ghost town with a horrifying history. When they seek refuge inside the torched ruins of Blackburn Asylum, they must fight to survive as the angry inhabitants slaughter the friends one-by-one.”

This one came out in the UK last September (2015, if you’re entering this in some sort of blog log). Why they got it before my zip code is a stunning affront to my community standing as a dumbass horror movie fanatic. Blackburn is another “ghosts in an abandoned insane asylum” story. On second thought, the UK can keep it as I’ve seen that SAME MOVIE 150,000 times. Give or take.

VOODOO (February 24, 2017)
“Dani, an innocent southern girl, is vacationing in Los Angeles to evade her increasingly complicated life. Once Dani arrives in L.A., she learns that trying to escape her past is not as easy as she had hoped.”

Makes you wonder what an “innocent southern girl” did that was so f’d up as to run away to Los Angeles, home of f’d up people with bad pasts, presents and futures. I bet as part of her chores she forgot to milk a cow and it exploded. Now there’s a movie I could get into.

THE NINTH PASSENGER (2017)
“There are eight partying college students aboard the luxury yacht owned by an evil biotechnology CEO, who’s the father of one of the passengers. The trip goes sideways when they drift to a dark island and both their engine and radio fail. At the same time “something” sneaks onto the yacht — the ninth passenger.”

Could the ninth passenger be an island seal with a penchant for human flesh? We eat seals, so it’s only fair they get a shot at our blubber for a change. Too bad the boat isn’t loaded with Eskimos; that’d be some epic payback.

RED NET (2017)
“Internet hackers are looking for a missing man, but what they find are shocking videos in which a man is questioned and severely tortured by two mysterious women.”

Gonna toss this out there: They’re both his ex-wives. If so, the poor guy is beyond doomed.