Archive for Bram Stoker

Turkish Dracula

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Drakula İstanbul’da

1953’s Drakula İstanbul’da — painstakingly translated to Dracula in Istanbul, paints the Prince of Darkness in humorless hues. (Actually, the movie is in black and white, but Dracula was/is a pretty colorful guy.) This Turkish Dracula is balding, has crayon tip fangs pointing opposite directions, and is only interested in real estate deals and juicing your neck.

Drakula İstanbul’da

Drakula İstanbul’da is a re-vamping (heh) of the 1928 novel Kazıklı Voyvoda (Impaler Voivode). And that book was a near photocopied translation of Bram Stoker’s novel that brought Dracula into the mainstream. Only difference is the Mina character is a stripper (um, I mean “showgirl”) and Dracula boot lick Renfield is nowhere to be found. (He’s probably in some basement eating the life force of bugs.)

Drakula İstanbul’da

Drakula is hungry and his feeding techniques look more like he’s leaning in to tell you a bawdy joke rather than a perforation. His target is two young ladies, one of whom has a mysterious secret: sleepwalking. Scary, but assured it’ll go away once she’s married. (Heard that doesn’t work with uncontrollable flatulence.)

Drakula İstanbul’da

Drakula is hunted down in a long and boring process (the only chills would be if you watched this in the Antarctica with the windows open), and dispatched with a medium rare stake through the heart as applied with a rock. Time to take down the anti-Drakula decorations — all garlic must go. “But I use it to cook with,” says Mina, who protests she won’t be able to make her eggplant recipe without it. (No person in their right mind would eat that crap anyway, so better to just move on to mac ’n cheese and give up this eggplant madness and schemes.)

Turkish Batman

Dracula isn’t the only intellectual property grave Istanbul has robbed. Superman, Flash Gordon, Zorro, Captain America, Batman, Tarzan, Satan and Spider-Man (as a green-suited criminal) have all been given a Turkish bath, and look like they were dressed in clothes their moms made them. Final note: You haven’t any idea of what Istanbul is all about until you’ve seen Turkish Batman cavort with ladies of burlesque.

Turkish Captain America

P.S. For some prime hardcore Turkish horror action, check out Baskin (2015), wherein four cops enter the foyer of Hell when they happen upon a Black Mass in an abandoned building. Hope you have a strong stomach. Otherwise it’s recycled eggplant time.

Baskin

Vampire Vitamins

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frostbitten

Back in the good ’ol days of 1944, Waffen SS – a German military squad – under superior fire power from Allied Forces, retreat into the winter-frozen woods (cowards), and end up in a cabin that, even though empty, had a boiling pot on the fire. Instantly, everyone starts looking for three bears.

Frostbitten

Not finding any, they warm their cowardly bones and take turns snoring. Then someone addresses the mystery: The snow outside was packed against the door, which they had to yank to get open. So where are the tenants?

Frostbitten

Perfect timing — something comes out of the darkness and eats one guy’s head in half. More are attacked, with one falling into the basement, where they find more mutilated bodies and a small coffin, the contents of which are trying to get out. The soldiers bury it, go “Whew!,” and jump 60 years into the future.

Frostbitten

A medical mom and her 17 year-old daughter are moving to Norrbotten, a small Lapland town, to put that nasty divorce behind ’em. Two things: I didn’t hear her husband’s side of the story (maybe she was a power nag and he couldn’t take it anymore), and there’s something sucking the neck nectar out of the town’s pets and late-night walking residents.

Frostbitten

So how does the first part and this part hook up? It’s kind of a stretch, but plausible when you find out one of the soldiers, who is now a prominent research doctor, was bitten by the vampire that attacked his troops, and he himself is One Of Them. Initially, he tried to find a cure. Only thing that can cure vampirism is a nice stake dinner. Then he gets the idea to enhance his vampiric powers, and develops a red pill (made so with food coloring) to kick it into overdrive. Think of it as a vampire vitamin.

Frostbitten

Once some partying med students get their hands on the drug, all heck breaks loose. Why? Because the pill turns standard-issue humans into vampires. Imagine the look on their faces after drinking party punch with a bunch of vampire pills dumped into the festive beverage. Some good moments, like when the doctor reveals his innermost suck. (He looks all brown and leathery, like an old baseball mitt and/or the bat-human in 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula.)

Frostbitten

One guy, who took the pill because he thought it would get him high, can now hear animals talk to him. A dog laughs and tells him he’s gonna burn. Funny stuff. Then there’s the live rabbit-eating scene. Then the party gets out of control, with vampiric teens climbing the walls — literally. The gore is as tasty as fresh rabbit stew, and the sub-plot, while not really taking off, is enough to hold things together until they can be torn apart.

Frostbitten

If you’re thinking this all sounds familiar, refer to 30 Days of Night (2007), where vampires take over a small Alaskan oil town where the sun won’t be coming for a month. Same seasonal phenomenon in Frostbitten (aka, Frostbite, Frostbiten/2006). Not bad, though, for a film with sub-titles and baseball mitt textured vampires.

When A Man Loves A Vermin

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burial of the Rats

A cult of man-hating, half-naked (or half-dressed) chicks go around slaughtering guys who are stinky and who treat women like unsanitary napkins.

Burial of the Rats

After being captured by said warriorettes, Bram Stroker, uh, Stoker, is imprisoned and soon to be ritualistically executed – by hungry rats controlled by the Queen of Vermin (Adrienne Barbeau). Because her boobs are so big, she controls the pestilent furballs with ease.

Burial of the Rats

Bram convinces the queen that he could ride along with them and document their escapades, and possibly get it made into a library book. Off they go, raiding convenience stores (or, “whore houses” as they were called back in the 1800s), saving young women from being debauched.

Burial of the Rats

One of the cult grrls falls for Bram and does it with him on the dungeon floor. This makes one of the other cult grrls mad, and all tampon hell breaks loose.

Burial of the Rats

The appropriately titled Burial of the Rats (1995) is loaded with rats, blood, gore, swords, boobs, bare bottoms, and loin-tingling excitement. (Fun fact: I auditioned for the role of Bram Stoker but didn’t get it. Rats.)