Archive for Photoshop

Provable Sea Monsters, Polish Slashers, Purple Aliens

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frilled Shark

Newsweek recently caught my attention with this headline: “Prehistoric, Dinosaur-Era Shark With Insane Teeth Found Swimming Off Coast of Portugal.” Well dang — they might as well have said, “Free Candy!”

Frilled Shark

The drool-worthy article, written by Dana Dovey, goes on to say that “The rare frilled shark is considered a ‘living fossil,’ as its makeup has remained unchanged for 80 million years. This summer, researchers found one alive and thriving off the coast of Portugal, adding evidence regarding the resilience of this ancient sea creature. The frilled shark has remained the same, both inside and out, since the time of the dinosaurs, with scientists dating it back to the Cretaceous Period, a time when the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Triceratops still roamed the planet.”

The article also goes on to say that the shark’s jaw has more than 300 teeth neatly lined in 25 rows. I bet this thing goes through 100 toothbrushes a month.

Frilled Shark

Even more entertaining were the article’s comments: “OK if I am ever 4,200 ft deep in the ocean off Portugal, I will make sure I avoid this shark.” “Unevolved and been around for millions of years before man? I don’t believe you. Where are the earlier pictures? You know, the ones from millions of years ago as proof.” “People will say this is Photoshopped, but ha! the joke’s on you. Photoshop didn’t exist in the Cretaceous Period.”

While I finish LOL-ing all over myself, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with story lines that may or may not have existed 80 million years ago…

Fantom Killer

FANTOM KILLER (available now)
“Beautiful women living in a small Polish town are being found butchered in unspeakably grotesque ways. As the police desperately search for clues which could lead to the identity of this misogynistic masked assailant, suspicion begins to mount against the strange younger brother of one of the officers, who had been previously confined to an asylum. Will this fiendish killer be unmasked before his bloodthirsty appetite needs to be satisfied once again?”

This one’s from Poland from back in 1998, and just recently being re-issued and released in the States. Heads up: this movie is in Polish, but with English sub-titles. Crap. I can barely speak English, let alone read it.

The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon

THE RIFT: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (November 28, 2017/VOD)
“An American military satellite crash lands in Eastern Serbia and a team of US and Serbian agents are dispatched to secure the remains of the satellite. But when they locate the crash site all is not as it seems.”

This a sequel to 2012’s The Rift? Heck-a-roo if I know. What I do know about The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon is that some astronauts cuttin’ a rug on the moon find a purple, shapeless, glowing alien life-form. Well hey — bring that lunar novelty back to Earth and see what kind of trouble they can make happen! Crossing fingers it’s one of those things you win at the county fair by throwing darts at balloons filled with purple hydrogen.

Cutlass

CUTLASS (December 12/VOD)
“A young tourist is abducted from her family into the jungles of Trinidad by a dangerous, armed sociopath. While the authorities and her family attempt to find her with no success, she is forced to mentally and physically outmaneuver her captor in an effort to stay alive and escape to safety.”

Sounds like this dumbass abducted the wrong woman. He’d have better luck going up against Trinidad’s infamous Rufous-vented chachalaca. (Watch that beak, dude.) I feel sorry for the sociopath.

Scars of Xavier

SCARS OF XAVIER (2017)
Xavier is a quiet 45-year-old man who lives in Prague. By day he works in a car wash service, but by night he is a brutal and vicious serial killer who primarily targets young women.”

A serial killer who preys on women. Two things — not original by any stretch of the imagination. Also, poor timing — women today, fed up with a-hole men, are about to take over the world. I’d go back to the car wash if I were you, X.

Schlock Film Fest, Banker Ghosts, Superman’s Face

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

For those keeping up with the butt-clenchingly anticipated Justice League movie (November 17, 2017), there’s been a few recent issues. First, they’re doing $25 million in re-shoots. (I have a cape — they could’ve brought me in to save the day for half that.)

Secondly, they’re having to digitally remove Superman’s mustache. Here’s a quote by Chris Morgan on IGN.com: “The mustache that Henry Cavill grew for Mission: Impossible 6 has been in the news quite a bit recently due to it resulting in reported complications surrounding the Justice League reshoots.” Played by Henry Cavill, apparently it’s cheaper to Photoshop out his facial hair than to shave.

So am I the only one who remembers the full on beard and mustache Superman had in 2013’s Man of Steel? As long as he doesn’t sport a man ponytail, I’m not seeing a problem here.

On that fuzzy note, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that or may not Photoshop the hair off your face…

The Flesh

Cult Epics/American Genre Film Archive
(July 27 – October 26, 2017)

“For 25 years, boutique freaky film label Cult Epics has amassed a large following for distributing the most sought-after, obscure, provocative and previously unknown films to the home video market in North America. Now, Cult Epics have teamed with AGFA (American Genre Film Archives) to bless some of their signature titles — which are also some of the world’s most notorious international shocker — 35mm theatrical releases.”

This is good news to schlock movie fans, of which I am one of a heckuva lot. (In fact, just call me Legion, for I am many.) While I’ve seen all of these movies, why not see ‘em again on the big screen whilst eating stale popcorn and guzzling smuggled airline bottles of refreshing adult beverages? I knew you’d agree with me. Here’s the official initial theatrical schedule:

In A Glass Cage (35mm) Qfest (Houston, TX), July 27

Viva La Muerte (35mm) Cinefamily (Los Angeles, CA), August 25th

Viva La Muerte (35mm) Metrograph (NYC, NY), September (t.b.c.)

Angst (DCP) Austin Film Society (Austin, TX), October 14th

Death Bed That Eats (DCP) Alamo Yonkers (greater NYC area, NY), October 25th

Death Bed That Eats (DCP) Ark Lodge Cinema (Seattle, WA), October 26th

Fate

FATE (August 15, 2017/VOD)
“A brilliant quantum physicist is on the verge of discovering the secret of the space time continuum when the government shuts him down. His quest to see his research to the end becomes paramount when his fiancé is killed. His only hope to avert his lonely fate is to travel back in time and save her life.”

Pffft — I discovered the secret of the space time continuum the first time I got drunk. Haven’t learned how to travel back in time, though. Don’t think I want to be doing that. First, there’s the Butterfly Effect, which could spell doom for a few of you. Secondly, there’s some people I probably owe money to and while they’re hunting for me in yesterday’s world, I’m safely hidden from them in the future, Ha — collect on that, b*tches!

The Vault

THE VAULT (September 1, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“In order to save their brother Michael’s life, the Dillon sisters, Leah and Vee have organized a bank robbery, but when the upstairs vault doesn’t have enough money to cover Michael’s debt, on the advice of Assistant Bank Manager Ed Maas, they drill into the downstairs vault. But the bank’s basement hides a terrible secret and before long, the Dillons have to choose whether to face the police outside or the terrible supernatural forces in the vault below.”

Never thought of storing demons in a bank vault. I always thought a double bagged supernatural entity could be wrangled with one ‘o them the FoodSaver® FM2000 Vacuum Sealing Systems. Pop a demon in the bag, suck out the air, toss it in the freezer and bingo, no more hauntings! But I guess a bank vault would be suitable as well. It’s just a refurbed Foodsaver® is only $32 fun coupons. You can be a ghost buster on a budget!

The Sound

THE SOUND (2017/2018)
“Kelly is a writer and a skeptic of the supernatural. As a specialist in acoustic physics she uses low frequency tactile sound-waves to debunk reported paranormal activities for her online blog. When presented a new case of a supposedly haunted subway station Kelly sets off to uncover the truth behind the hoax that involves a 40-year-old unexplained suicide. Her investigation takes her deep into the abandoned station where her skepticism is tested. As Kelly ascends into the depths of the metro’s darkness she is confronted by an unforeseen evil. In the vastness, she must face her own haunted memories to find the truth and surface back into the light.”

Skeptics crack me up — they’re always quick to debunk you and your experiences until it happens to them. Talk about your fair weather fans. I bet they don’t go to baseball games either until their hometown team starts winning. So when Kelly starts ranting to you about unforeseen evil, give her a dollar to go away.

Rampaging Dinosaurs – The New Republicans

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rise of the Dinosaurs

Rise of the Dinosaurs (aka, Jurassic Attack/2013) finds modern day prehistoric (okay, that didn’t come out right) reptilian monsters tearing apart humans like Republicans on Democrats. But that’s what dinosaurs are paid to do – and they do it as if it were a political agenda.

Rise of the Dinosaurs

That said, Rise of the Dinosaurs is an insult to cerapods everywhere. It starts with a dino attack on a commando squad sent to rescue a hostage held by terrorist/Republicans in a jungle valley not as yet pooped upon by people. Their rescue copter is compromised by hostile artillery and they crash right on to the kitchen table of a raptor just begging to strap the grocery bib on and send digital blood a’splattin’.

Rise of the Dinosaurs

Ninety-nine percent of the movie is the military squad and the terrorists/Republicans shooting at each other with a seemingly endless supply of digital bullets. From the time you see the first dinosaur rise, you don’t get to see another one chewing the scenery for over a half hour. Not cool.

Rise of the Dinosaurs

Before the opening scene rolls you already know what’s gonna happen. But that’s not the point. The digi-dinos are so painfully and poorly integrated into the “movie” and clumsily hopping around and attacking humans while casting Photoshop™ shadows designed by Art Institute™ grads, you’d swear you were playing a video game. (More than once I kept reaching for the game controller.)

Save yourself the dumbass digital destruction and just watch the evening news instead – it’s way more gory and not nearly as fake looking.

Terror Birds: Droppings From the Sky

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Terror Birds

Terror Birds, as the ad poster indicates in entry level Photoshoppery, is “hatching soon.” As you can see, there is a monster bird claw coming out of a giant egg. And hatching is what giant eggs do. So that makes it a clever turn of phrase, yes?

No. It’s Art Institute™ grade advertising at best. But I digress. The real reason for griping is that Terror Birds, an obvious cash-in to Jurassic World’s (2015) rampaging box office success using once-thought extinct dino birds as the movie’s antagonists, has already been done. Several times, in fact.

Pterodctyl

One example: Pterodactyl, starring “terror birds,” was released in 2005 and had rap star Coolio shooting machine guns at the prehistoric monsters. (Not a fan of rap music, but Coolio is pretty dang cool.) Terror Birds stars a bunch of generic, scrubbed and polished white kids straight outta Scooby-Doo™ and/or Disney™. There’s your target audience right there.

Pterodactyl

On top of this, Terror Birds even steals concept art from Pterodactyl to the point of plagiarism. But that’s the least of anyone’s worries, as you can see by the plot:

“When Maddy Stern discovers her father has gone missing during a routine birdwatching excursion, she and her college pals trek out into the wilderness to find him, only to end up in a wealthy scientist’s desolate ranch aviary, where they encounter a pair of giant, hungry terror birds believed to be extinct for centuries.”

Terror Birds

Now compare that to the plot of Pterodactyl: “A dormant volcano deep with the Turkish forest holds within it a deadly secret. Perfectly preserved, a nest of pterodactyl eggs are ready to hatch…”

Couple that with Coolio, steaming piles of pterodactyl droppings, machine guns, a volcano, and you have quality sci-fi entertainment. (Note to anyone who gives a dropping: stick it out to the end; there’s a final scene that’s pretty coolio.)

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec

P.S. For all you hard-core pterodactyl fans, seek out The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec (aka, Les Adventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-Sec/2010): “A popular (and supermodel hot) novelist flies around 1912 Paris on the back of a pterodactyl, dealing with her would-be suitors, the cops, and monsters.” Fun movie, but unfortunately no machine guns. Or Coolio, who wouldn’t be born for another 51 years. Pitié.