Archive for Pumpkinhead

Bigfoot’s Big Butte

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sasquatch Mountain

In Sasquatch Mountain (aka, Devil On The Mountain/2006) — his third role in a Sasquatch flick — the legendary Lance Henriksen is the go-to guy for movies about Bigfoot. They should just start calling him “Hairy and the Henriksen.” (OK, now THAT was pretty darn clever.) Lance, though, is way more cooler as a hardened mountain man than I would’ve been. Hard to sell yourself as a believable outdoorsman while wearing a KISS T-shirt that smells like Bounce™.

Sasquatch Mountain

A gang of bank robbers steal money from Lance’s small town bank and kill a cop in the process. Making a frantic getaway, they’re involved in a car crash with a supermodel with a low top who was making her getaway from a lousy marriage. The criminals take the supermodel hostage and head for the hills. Guess who lives there — Lance…and Sasquatch.

Sasquatch Mountain

The mythical (ahem) beast is the reason Lance’s wife was killed 12 years earlier. No one believed him, so he kinda became that guy who “saw a UFO” type dude. While the criminals run through the woods, so doth Sasquatch, snapping in half the good guys because hey, Sas can’t differentiate between those that point guns at him and those that flee.

Sasquatch Mountain

The cops follow and it turns into a stand-off until Sasquatch balances the scales of justice. Now the criminals and the cops have to work together to escape Sasquatch’s fuzzy wrath. Lots of character development with colorful dialogue. But it’s Lance who outshines them all. (He even calls one of the criminals “Pumpkinhead,” a tongue-in-cheek reference to his other mythical beast movie.)

Sasquatch Mountain

Sasquatch, though, is overly hairy and looks like a heavy metal King Kong, but not as tall. He has a great howl, that will make your butt hairs stand on end — your REAR end.

Sasquatch Mountain

Craig Wasson, who plays the lead criminal, hasn’t changed his hair since Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors(1987) And that was 20 years ago. Then again, I haven’t changed my hair since birth. Sasquatch Mountain has its flaws (unlikely cop and criminal behavior patterns/situations), but hey, what Sasquatch movie doesn’t? Until I star in one, anyway.

Hillbillies vs. Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

Four movies in and ’ol Pumpkinhead’s legend of vengeance is like my underwear: darker and wearing a bit thin. Not that Pumpy isn’t cool, because he totally is. Rather, they’re running out of ways to tell the same story. This time they thought outside the patch, where the ongoing battle saga between the “still backwoods hicks” Hatfields and the McCoys is still raging via their descendants. First thought is, why do we keep letting these hillbillies breed? Second of all, with one billion square miles in which to move, why do they always live next door to each other? Geez.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

So a Hatfield chick is in love with a McCoy dude and they meet in private to feel each other up. A sort of Hee Haw re-imagining of Romeo & Juliet, their secret is discovered and in the process end up with a McCoy sister getting killed in the face. Legal disclaimer: It weren’t no Hatfield that done it — they was a’chasin’ her through the woods and she fell down a sharp incline and whacked her head somethin’ powerful agin’ that there yonder tree.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

As could be expected, the McCoys think the Hatfields did it. So the “Luv U 4ever” guy goes to Haggis, the town witch, to call upon Pumpkinhead for vengeance. (Her witch shack has been upgraded with extra rats and decorative stink bugs). Also returning as a “spiritual advisor” is Ed Harley (aka, Lance Henriksen), doomed to walk the earth, caught between here and there, a penalty curse for invoking the Pumpster. The drag is he can’t even see his own dead son, the one whom he brought down Hell in retribution for. That’s f’d up.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

Disregarding ALL the warnings, the McCoy kid calls on Pumpkinhead to kill the entire Hatfield clan (there’s like, 20 of ’em)‚ except his beloved skirt. So they can be together. Forever. (That boy needs to get a clue into the ways of barnyard booty.)

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

In an ironic twist of fate, the Hatfields and McCoys have to team up against Pumpsie. It doesn’t work, because like drinking beer, once it begins IT CAN’T BE STOPPED. If you’ve seen the previous three Pumpkinhead movies you’ll know how this one ends.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

Better than Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (1993) and Pumpkinhead III: Ashes To Ashes (2006), Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud (2007) is more gory, with P-diddyhead stomping on faces (making ’em go goosh!), slashing open bellies to let loose the intestines within, gouging eyeballs, ripping off limbs and making that eerie noise that sounds like a rattlesnake with an electric toothbrush caught in it’s throat.

Somebody needs to quit making these sequels long enough to let Ed at least time to change his shirt. That thing has got to be stinking up the place good after 20 years.

Pottery Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Limehouse Golem

Based on the 1994 book Dan Leno & the Limehouse Golem by Peter Ackroyd, The Limehouse Golem horror movie (release date pending 2016) is a spin on the Jack The Ripper hot mess. Yeah, the theme is played, but the movie features none other than Professor Severus Snape, aka “Alan Rickman.”

While Professor Snape was able to handle a variety of Harry Potter’s magical indiscretions, how will the former Death Eater come to terms with the Golem who the press claims is responsible for a “series of gruesome murders shaking the community in the dangerous Limehouse district of London in 1880”? Wand to the ready – Expecto Patronum, b*tch!

As the press release goes, with no genuine leads, the police put the “vastly experienced Detective Inspector Kildare on the case.” Man, I hope Kildare smacks that mean Golem guy double hard.

The Golem

Golem, by the way, is an icon of ancient Jewish folklore, appearing in the 1915 German silent film, Der Golem. (Oddly, the DVD cover says the movie is from 1920. I’m at a loss here.)

The Golem

As the moving picture goes, a 16th Century Prague rabbi brings a clay statue to life to save the Jews from ongoing brutal persecution by the city’s rulers. A kind of Yiddish Pumpkinhead, the molded savior is later found 400 years later in the rubble of an old synagogue (a church you aren’t allowed in) and resurrected once again, this time to be a servant (an early model beer b*tch).

The Golem

When I get around to resurrecting Der Golem, first thing I’d do is change his first name from “der” to “the”, then give him a new coat of paint and take him out for a spin on the pottery wheel. I bet he’d like that. Then I’d command him to smack my enemies – double hard.

Pumpkinheads and Pinheads

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes

Vengeance (Pumpkinhead’s birth name) has been called back for active duty in Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes (1994), this time avenging townspeople whose dead kin’s bodies have been defiled (i.e., buried in a swamp as well as stacked up in a barn like rotting bales of hay.)

Pumpkinhead: Ashes To AshesSeems the local doctor/mortician (played by Doug Bradley, Hellraiser’s Pinhead, 1987) has been facilitating the deaths, extracting organs for re-sale, then discarding the bodies like so many empty yogurt containers. The small town can’t pay for medical care, so the doc balances the checkbook with no longer needed kidneys, hearts, eyeballs, stomach gunk, etc.

Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes

Helping him is his crystal meth-addicted hottie daughter, some other guy, and that Bud Wallace kid from the first movie, now all grow’d up.

Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes

After the bodies are discovered and lined up out in the street in the hot sun for inventorying, a highly attractive young mother comes searching for her little daughter’s body—and finds it among the putrefying corpses. Harsh-o-matic. So she gets three other friends to go in on hiring Pumpkinhead to balance their revenge checkbook.

Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes

Haggis the witch (Pumpkinhead’s enabler) is back, dispensing warnings, as does Lance Henriksen as the ghost of Ed Harley from Pumpkinhead (1988). But no one ever listens to them and P to tha’ H does his dirty business, all the while taking everyone’s soul to H-E-C-K.

Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes

This is the first time we get to see Haggis in broad daylight and she looks like a supermodel that’s aged 115 years. The medical gore is particularly graphic, but P-head’s vengeancing is just your basic meat ’n potatoes heart-ripping, choking, impaling, etc. In a glaring misstep, the movie makers turn Pumpkinhead into a digital video character during an attack scene in a church. Not cool. Everything else, cool.

Satan’s Serpent vs. Rap

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lockjaw

All it took to summon a snake creature from the butthole of Hell was the Kulev Stick and some incredibly dense teens.

Lockjaw

The I.D.Ts driving around in a monster truck plow over some guy’s wife. Insta-widow guy uses the Kulev Stick (a No. 2 lead pencil with mystical properties) to bring forth a bus-long half/snake, half alligator. This “snalligator” is called Vengeance, and puts the squeeze on whoever’s likeness is drawn on special toilet paper.

Lockjaw

Taking the framework from Pumpkinhead (1988), LockJaw (aka Carnivorous, Carnivorous DMX and Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent/2008) changes the landscape only slightly by adding a rap guy (DMX) with thug tattoos and a bazooka (!) to do battle with the snalligator.

Lockjaw

The only sex scene has the blonde supermodel going to Boner City while wearing her under garments, the movie’s best special effect. The wiggly beast doesn’t have any lines, but manages to kill/eat several people. The bazooka, it should be noted, takes second place to a homemade weapon one of the teens (“with an engineering degree”) builds: a table lamp with kitchenware taped to it.

Lockjaw

While it never actually gets used, I bet that thing would’ve caused some serious damage. The only other impairment occurs from watching this painfully bad movie.