Zombie Headwear, Pig People, Lab Rats

Horror movie make-up legend Tom Savini and his Trick or Treat Studios is once again making his line of Halloween (or church) full-head zombie masks available for money. This is good news for those of us who want to explore a new fashion look for around $25.00. (No word if these masks are made of human skin.)

Savini knows what a zombie should look like, having worked on such horror movies as Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985) and even directing the Night of the Living Dead reboot in 1990. Using his vast experience and flesh-rotting art skills, Savini is offering the mask models “Graves,” “Mort” and “Tombed”, which will ship in August/September 2019.

While you hit up the boss for an advance on your paycheck to get in on this action, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be suitable for Halloween and/or church…

I’M JUST F*CKING WITH YOU (April 1, 2019/Hulu™)
“A man and his sister on the way to a family wedding endure a night of increasingly frightening practical jokes during a one-night stay at a secluded motel.”

Great movie title. Bet parents will be taking their under-age kids to this one.

RED 11 (pending distribution/2019)
“Red 11 is a horror/thriller set in a dark, twisted version of the Legal Drug Research world. At these facilities, young guys become lab rats to make quick money, but our hero RED 11 is here to buy his way out of a huge debt to the tune of $7,000. This story shows the quirks, characters, and comedy of being a human lab rat, but with a sci-fi and horror twist, because while under the influence of experimental drugs, Red 11 doesn’t know if what’s in front of him is fact or fiction.”

This one is from Robert Rodriguez, so even with the low production budget of $7,000, it’ll look at least like $9,000 movie. There’s an interesting TRUE story behind this (from the press release) — “The movie is based on the research hospital where Robert Rodriguez sold his body to pay for El Mariachi (1993), ‘Red 11’ is the shirt color and number he was assigned.” I need to find that place so I can get the rent paid this month. Let’s see Rodriguez make a movie outta that.

TALES FROM THE LODGE (2019/UK)
“In an isolated lodge somewhere in England, five old university pals, now nudging 40, gather for a weekend to scatter the ashes of their friend, Jonesy, who drowned himself in the lake three years earlier. They settle in for a fun evening, entertaining each other with stories of murders, ghosts, zombies and possessions, but as day turns to night the gang become aware of another horror story unfolding around them. And this one is real.”

Is this a cliched horror movie plot or an episode of Scooby Doo? Just thinkin’ out loud — I’ll probably watch it regardless.

BULLETS OF JUSTICE (2019)
“During the Third World War, the American government initiates a secret project named ‘Army Bacon’ in order to create super soldiers by breeding human beings with pigs. 25 years later a breed called ‘Muzzles’ have occupied the top of the food chain, eating and farming humans like animals. Rob Justice is an ex-bounty hunter working for the last line of human resistance – a group of survivors hiding in a nuclear bunker deep underground. His mission is to find out how Muzzles came to power and destroy them.”

Army bacon? Breeding humans with pigs? Hybrids called Muzzles? Head..about…to…explode — too…many…jokes…

The Ghost and Mrs. Demur

After her seven-year-old son drowns, mystery novelist Rachel Carson (played by perennial hottie Demi Moore) can’t write successful novels anymore. So her husband and real estate best friend tell her to go to a cottage cliff rental in the Scottish Highlands where everyone talks like Scotty from Star Trek and smells like sheep clippings. It’s hoped this R&R will help her reconcile her grief and start making money again for spending purposes.

Once situated in Scotland, unusual events occur: The refrigerator magnet letters form messages from her dead son and there are brief flashes of ghostly figures and sheep poop everywhere you step. While staying in the stink village of Ingonish Cove, Rachel notices a light coming from the abandoned lighthouse within small dingy rowing distance across the wind-battered inlet.

So without a life vest, she rows there, meets a young man named Angus (isn’t everyone in Scotland named Angus, even the women?) and the two start hanging out ’n stuff. But wait just a Scooby Doo moment — the other villagers tell Rachel that Angus died years ago and that no one lives at the lighthouse, every since the bulb burnt out and no one wanted to change it. 

This, of course, appeals to her mystery-seeking nature. So she has sex with the guy to prove everyone wrong. But those messages from her dead son keep showing up as if to warn her of…something. She calls her girlfriend who flies to Scotland to have a girl’s night out with wine, fashion tips and comparing notes about doing it with ghost lighthouse keepers. 

Something isn’t quite adding up, though, so she digs a little more and with the help of her dead son’s communiques, stumbles across the truth: Angus isn’t a ghost at all, the big phony. He was hired by Demi’s husband and girlfriend (who are having a bare naked affair) to drive her mad so that they could control all of her spending money. Even real ghosts wouldn’t be that conniving.

Rachel/Demi is bagpipe hot and while she has sex and doesn’t show her fun parts, you’ll still like looking at her for hours at a time. As for Half Light (2006), I probably won’t be looking at it for anymore hours at a time. I wanted rot-faced ghosts and international intrigue, but all I got was a tepid mystery. (Given the movie’s location, it’s practically an insult to not factor in the Loch Ness Monster, if even for a cameo.) I still heart Scotland, though.

Not The Stairway To Heaven

The instructions to make The Doorway (2000) must’ve come off a box of Count Chocula™: Take four college kids, put ’em in a haunted house, have a doorway to Hell in the basement, and let unnatural nature take its course. 

Of course the ancient medallion keeping the doorway to Hell from swinging both ways is knocked off the sacred nail holding back epic evil, and a succubus (female demon that likes to get jiggy) roams from bedroom to bedroom, wreaking mattress havoc and sticking out her plastic green tongue.

The students try and solve the mystery of the skanky spook by hooking up with their ghost-hunting college professor, Roy Scheider. (Hey, this was the guy who kicked Jaws’ wet butt, so it was a strategic move.) The only thing missing is a dog named Scooby Doo. Rory doesn’t last long, though, getting his entire face ripped in half by the face-ripping face-ripper. Then everybody else falls prey to the smelly forces emanating from the basement. 

There’s a happy assortment of boobs and a lingering sex scene, which was pleasant on an R-rated sliding scale. The creatures that come a’knockin’, however, aren’t particularly scary, nor unique. In fact, the whole flick lamely rips off The Legend of Hell House (1973), The Amityville Horror (1979), Night of the Demons (1988),  and Hellraiser (1987), without batting an evil eye. 

The girls are cute (especially the short blonde chick), but the guys are dorks of chess club proportions. In the end, it all sucks. But the thing about doorways is that you can always go out the same way you came in.

Bad Ghost Parenting

Dana Barrow, an architect, is suffering from severe mental goon-out after her market-fresh daughter died. So she moves out of Brooklyn with her not-dead 5-year-old son and husband David (I forget what his last name is) into the aptly named Blacker Estate in backwoods North Carolina. Good luck finding a decent taco truck there. The Blacker Estate, while previously full of mansion-y grandeur and tragedy back in the 19th Century, has sat for decades, abandoned, if you will. Something to do with the death of its owners.

Doesn’t take long before Dana, already dealing with more than a few burnt out bulbs on the ’ol mental marquee, starts “seeing” things, like a her son Lucas soaked in blood and a German Shepherd dog that may or may not bark with a foreign accent. Then she sees a light in the attic. Since they haven’t been up there and the door is perma-locked, it can only mean one thing — there’s a ghost squatting, rent-free.

She checks the house blueprints and sees no indication of that room even being there. Scooby Doo-ing the crap out of this mystery, she finds the entrance to the ghost room blocked by an armoire, or “big ass cabinet.” She cleverly finds the key, goes in and gets psyched by visions of a young girl being parentally bullied. This causes Dana further reality-functioning failure.

After shaking off the burn, she does some research and discovers the house was owned by Judge Ernest Blacker, and that his daughter Laurie died the same day as Dana’s daughter. You can see where this is going. The Judge used the attic as a “disappoints room,” a place where money-flush socialites hid away their children who were born with deformities/abnormalities. (Yes, the parents were Republicans.)

Dana stops taking her meds and soon has more icky visions. Then a grave with Laura’s deformed body is discovered by the handyman. The Judge manifests, clobbers him with a shovel (all ghosts pack garden tools) and leaves him hanging from a tree. Dana then notices the light again in the attic, not smartly goes back up there, and “sees” visions of the Judge murdering his handicapped daughter with a hammer. I don’t care which side of the Law you stand — this was not cool.

The ghost of Judge Blacker moves on Dana’s son, but she grabs the tool and decides its hammer time. David arrives to see Dana bashing the memories out of her son’s memory foam bed. Thankfully, no one was in it at the time…or was there?

Things finally come to a boil that is Dana’s saucepan head, and the secret to her mental throw-downs are revealed — and it has less to do with the Judge and more to do with her daughter’s death. Pretty harsh.

In all The Disappointments Room (2016), based on real things our not-so great grandfathers/mothers did for the sake of staying in high society’s haughty graces, is thematically ugly, but lacking any real scares. (Ghosts with hammers — yawn.) Still, the twist at the end will stick in your mouth like polter-peanut butter.

Zombie Cartoons, Undead Dinosaurs, All Purpose Evil

From artist Joe Gallimore comes a wicked cool mash-up with Michael Myers from Halloween (1978) and the infamous Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) key art, which was actually banned back in the day by the New York City Tourism committee. (All Republicans, no doubt.)

While we still wait for the New York City Tourism committee to pull their heads out of their Port Authority, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get banned…

ZOMBIOLOGY (available now)
“When a monster from a popular animated show appears and starts a zombie outbreak, it’s up to eccentric duo Lung and Chi-Yeung to stand up and fight the horde of the recently deceased, and save their friends from all around chaos!”

I wish more cartoon characters would come to life and cause chaos. Just think of what Scooby Doo could do to/on your lawn.

THE INCANTATION (available now)
“A young American girl has a chance of a lifetime to visit her ancestors castle in the south of France, only to find that her family is hiding deep, dark secrets about their nefarious past, far away from prying eyes.”

YET ANOTHER family with deep, dark secrets. Got me thinking about my own family and what secrets THEY might be hiding. Time to kick down the door of the ‘ol ancestral outhouse and see if there’s a nefarious stuff laying around.

THE JURASSIC DEAD (Summer, 2018)
“A unit of mercenaries must team up with a group of tech-geek students after American is struck with an EMP attack. Deep in the desert, they find the source of the terror, a mad scientist who has also just created a living dead T-Rex dinosaur, one who turns everyone it attacks into a zombie. Now they must scramble to stay alive and save the planet from the ultimate undead predator.”

Hate to whiz in your punchbowl, but there was a zombie dinosaur movie before this: Z-Rex: The Jurassic Dead (2016). Maybe they know each other or are cousins on their mother’s side. Or it could be a simple case of plagiarism. Best to consult the family paleontologist.

TORMENTED (2018)
“A tragic car accident leads a family into a nightmare of supernatural terror as an ancient evil haunts their dreams.”

Supernatural terror and ancient evil go hand in hand, like peanut butter and Cheetos™. What, you’ve never tried peanut butter on Cheetos™? Like supernatural terror and ancient evil, they’re to die for.

Zombies, Monster Book, Slasher Slumber Party

The Walking Dead, ratings juggernaut and everybody’s favorite zombie TV show that has less to do with the walking dead than humans, returns for season eight on AMC/October 22, 2017. Okay, I get that there are people who violently express they aren’t fans. Sorry you like songs all in the same key, too. (Eight years of zombies eating people? Cool, but at some point you need more than a Lazy Susan snack platter.)

Season seven ended with a gnarly nasty war brewing between main guy Rick Grimes and his people and self-proclaimed King of the New World, Negan and his hardcore followers. Kinda sounds like Congress. Sure, there were less zombies in that season than were put on the KP duty during previous years. But man, Negan is such a magnetizing character, brutally nasty and gleefully kill-y. He previously made Rick his b*tch, and now the series’ hero is about to reclaim his throne by taking off the gloves and taking on Negan, with the intent to get all kill-y on him. And I, as a die-hard (no pun intended) fan, can’t wait.

Until that booze worthy celebratory day comes, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not kill you to watch…

THE PUNISHER (Netflix/2017)
“The series revolves around Frank Castle, who uses lethal methods to fight crime as the vigilante, The Punisher.”

Right the double heck on. Frank Castle was first introduced to us on the Daredevil TV series (slated for a third season on Netflix™ later in 2017, the year of our power lords), and was a standout highlight in an increasingly “where are we going with this?” show. (Frank’s a way better adversary than any of Daredevil’s foes. I’m looking sideways in your direction, Kingpin.) And Frank, of course, is brilliantly played by Jon Bernthal, formerly the exploding firecracker, Shane Walsh of The Walking Dead series. (Spoiler — he was killed off….TWICE!)

BOOK OF MONSTERS (pending crowd-funding)
“Sophie’s 18th birthday party becomes a bloodbath when six terrifying monsters descend upon her house, intent on devouring the party guests and killing anyone who tries to leave.

As her school friends are torn apart and eaten, Sophie must rally a band of misfits and take up arms to send their party crashers back to hell. In order to survive the night, Sophie will face her destiny; monsters are real — and she’s the only one who can stop them.”

Cool title, but the premise smells a bit stinkified of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997—2003) TV series, which was just a re-imagineering of Scooby Doo. They seem very specific about the amount of monsters to do the dirty work. I’m quite okay with this as it means fewer teenagers are left to take selfies and body shame me on Twitter™.

RUIN ME (2017/2018)
“Alexandra reluctantly tags along for Slasher Sleepout, an extreme event that is part camping trip, part haunted house, and part escape room. But when the fun turns deadly, Alex has to play the game if she wants to make it out alive.”

Teen horror. If you’re a teen, you may like this. If you’re not a teen, you may not like this as it borrows —deeply — from numerous, worn out horror movie plots. I only have one question — does one wear pajamas or not while attending the Slasher Sleepout? I don’t know whether to go with just floral print 100% cotton bottoms and a comfy Motörhead T-shirt, or my Spider-Man adult onesie? I should probably ask a teen.

BURNING SHADOW (2017/2018)
“After discovering a homeless man who is his exact look-alike, a former soldier is drawn into the dangerous LA underworld.”

Dude, you were looking in a mirror! Am I the only one who figured this out?

Rent-Free Ghosts

Have to give credit to the Italian made Ghosthouse (aka, La Casa/1988). What it short sheets you in acting, dialogue and plot, it’s delightfully gory. Just the opening sequence alone has a slaughtered family cat, a hatchet through the top of dad’s formerly functioning head, and mom getting her face shredded and eye blown out by an exploding mirror before getting her neck sliced into lunch meat. A family slayed together, stays together.

That sets up the premise twenty years later of a young Boston ham radio operator and his emotional rollercoaster of a girlfriend intercepting an ominous call for help, along with an eerie cackle over looped spooky music. Using some sort of math he triangulates the signal and it leads them right to the very long-abandoned house the opening sequence murders took place. Seems some grandfathered evil still lives there rent free.

Teaming up with some age-similar squatters, they try to Scooby-Doo the crap out of the mystery. At the core of it is eleven year old Henrietta and her demoniacally-possessed jester clown doll. Even though she died all those years ago (locked in the basement and left to starve to death), she still has work to do. This includes showing up on TV with bleeding eyes, popping up in hallways and any one of the house’s 14 bedrooms in blinding white light, and packing around that evil-cackling clown doll.

The dialogue is so painful it makes your crevices itch. The acting ranks somewhere between “just graduated from junior high school to “will you please just stop talking?” Thankfully, Henrietta and her demon doll unleash double heck, turning the old mansion into a non-stop parade of haunted house cliches and gore.

Other than the entire thing, Ghosthouse’s paranormal activities are outright LOL: a bedroom where toys and pillow feathers encircle a victim as if an indoor tornado; An running unplugged and motor-less fan’s blade coming lose and frisbee-ing a new throat hole in another victim; Floorboards giving way to a bubble bath of thick milky goop that dissolves skin; A melt-y face skeleton wearing a Grim Reaper robe and brandishing a knife. But it was the blood coming out of a bathroom faucet that really put the frosting on this cadaver cake. And if you can get through it, the ending will put a grin on your non-sliced face.

Interesting note: The house featured in the film is the same one used in the splatfest The House by the Cemetery (1981). Wonder what it rents for on Zillow™?

Paranormal Goon-Outs

Not uncommon for horror movie authors to encounter the supernatural. Wouldn’t be a horror movie if they didn’t. The polter-premise then causes them to put down the typewriter and to Scooby-Doo the presented mystery. A few examples off the top of my roof include Dark Remains (2005), Re-Cycle (2006), The Marsh (2006), Deadline (2009), Paranormal (2009). Such is the framework for House of Affliction (releasing February 2016), a supernatural thriller featuring an author gal experiencing paranormal goon-outs.

Here’s mo’ juice: “Kate Beckley was once a best-selling crime author, but it’s been years since her last novel following the disappearance of her daughter, Julia. While attempting to write again in a new home, Kate finds herself haunted by strange visions and paranormal occurrences, which become worse each night. Has Julia returned, or is something more evil preying on this grieving mother?”

I’m gonna have to say yep to both. But if this premise sounds familiar, that’s because it’s lifted directly from Sinister, which came out in 2012. Behold…

“True-crime writer Ellison Oswald is in a slump; he hasn’t had a best seller in more than 10 years and is becoming increasingly desperate for a hit. So, when he discovers the existence of a snuff film showing the deaths of a family, he vows to solve the mystery. He moves his own family into the victims’ home and gets to work. However, when old film footage and other clues hint at the presence of a supernatural force, Ellison learns that living in the house may be fatal.”

For more supernatural mystery hauntings, please consult your local haunted house. Or Scooby-Doo.

Paranormal Training Bra

Need a Halloween fix? Well, tie off horror junkies because here’s two new ones for you…

First up is a comedy horror movie that pays homage to horror movies that ripped off other horror movies. My head hurts. Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, releasing October 27, 2015, gives a laugh-shaped mouth shout-out to the pop ghostly culture likes of Insidious (2010), The Conjuring (2013), Amityville Horror (1979), Sinister (2012), and Paranormal Activity (2007). Kind of redundant as all those movies are full of funny stuff, intended or not.

If you haven’t seen the trailer for Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, here’s what materializes…

“It’s Halloween Eve and Caesar and Otto find themselves house-sitting for the world’s most unpopular Governor, Jerry Grayson. But after a series of ghostly visions, strange phenomenon and a demonic possession, the half-brothers call upon renowned exorcist Father Jason Stieger to help put a stop to this new nightmare. But in this house, nothing is what it seems and everyone is fair game for the mysterious forces at work…”

Who hires guys to house sit? That in itself is kinda scary, especially if there’s an unattended liquor cabinet full of spirits waiting to be released. Heh.

Next is Out There In The Dark (2015), a ’tweener “horror” movie, starring two young teens gals who use their cell phones to try and Scooby-Doo a ghost in a big mansion. Thus: After visiting a haunted house, two teenage girls are plagued by supernatural phenomena that lead them to uncover a chilling secret.”

I bet the chilling secret is they discover why they call ’em training bras.

Terror Birds: Droppings From the Sky

Terror Birds, as the ad poster indicates in entry level Photoshoppery, is “hatching soon.” As you can see, there is a monster bird claw coming out of a giant egg. And hatching is what giant eggs do. So that makes it a clever turn of phrase, yes?

No. It’s Art Institute™ grade advertising at best. But I digress. The real reason for griping is that Terror Birds, an obvious cash-in to Jurassic World’s (2015) rampaging box office success using once-thought extinct dino birds as the movie’s antagonists, has already been done. Several times, in fact.

One example: Pterodactyl, starring “terror birds,” was released in 2005 and had rap star Coolio shooting machine guns at the prehistoric monsters. (Not a fan of rap music, but Coolio is pretty dang cool.) Terror Birds stars a bunch of generic, scrubbed and polished white kids straight outta Scooby-Doo™ and/or Disney™. There’s your target audience right there.

On top of this, Terror Birds even steals concept art from Pterodactyl to the point of plagiarism. But that’s the least of anyone’s worries, as you can see by the plot:

“When Maddy Stern discovers her father has gone missing during a routine birdwatching excursion, she and her college pals trek out into the wilderness to find him, only to end up in a wealthy scientist’s desolate ranch aviary, where they encounter a pair of giant, hungry terror birds believed to be extinct for centuries.”

Now compare that to the plot of Pterodactyl: “A dormant volcano deep with the Turkish forest holds within it a deadly secret. Perfectly preserved, a nest of pterodactyl eggs are ready to hatch…”

Couple that with Coolio, steaming piles of pterodactyl droppings, machine guns, a volcano, and you have quality sci-fi entertainment. (Note to anyone who gives a dropping: stick it out to the end; there’s a final scene that’s pretty coolio.)

P.S. For all you hard-core pterodactyl fans, seek out The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec (aka, Les Adventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-Sec/2010): “A popular (and supermodel hot) novelist flies around 1912 Paris on the back of a pterodactyl, dealing with her would-be suitors, the cops, and monsters.” Fun movie, but unfortunately no machine guns. Or Coolio, who wouldn’t be born for another 51 years. Pitié.