Archive for God

Fake UFOs, Horror Teens, Evil Wishing Well

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Real UFO Crash Footage

Recently pulled up Real UFO Crash Footage (Mooney Vision) on Amazon Prime™. Several things you need to know before stepping in the same pile of I.V.C. (Identified Viewing Crap) I did…

• ALL the footage is of blurry and/or shaky camera stylings.

• Lots of the material has digital UFOs flying above around or into fiery explosions that happened by way of the wrong button being pushed, high-speed left turn into a right turn cloud, or something involving gasoline and matches.

• Most footage contains mega-explosions from stock news broadcasts.

• There’s footage of falling meteors, which are nothing more than God’s marbles.

• Some footage is from the SyFy Channel™ from over a decade ago.

• While it’s true these UFOs are just that (because of the blurriness, you can’t identify what it is that’s flying/not flying), the bait on the hook here is the flying saucer on the cover.

And while you’re fuming over having bitten the hook, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be blatantly misleading…

The Open House

THE OPEN HOUSE (January 19, 2018/Netflix)
“A mother and her teenage son move into a new house and are harassed by threatening forces.”

Threatening forces could be anything — landlords, neighbors, Mothman, me…  Just need an address. (Disclaimer: I don’t really threaten anyone. However, I will make your lawn die just by standing on it.)

The Devil's Well

THE DEVIL’S WELL (January 23, 2018)
Karla Marks mysteriously vanishes while conducting a paranormal investigation with her husband into the Devil’s Well, an underground location reported to be a gateway straight into Hell, and the site of ongoing strange phenomenon. A year after her disappearance, a group of investigators go back to uncover the truth about Karla, and are faced with evil forces greater than they ever imagined.”

A well is the gateway to Hell? And here all this time I thought the portal to Purgatory was 7-Eleven™. That, or the bathroom door to the men’s room at the Maha (a bar I hang out in, and usually have a priest administer a blessing every time beer needs to be exorcised from thy bladder).

Truth or Dare

TRUTH OR DARE (April 27, 2018)
“A harmless game of ‘Truth or Dare’ among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie — or refuse the dare.”

Sounds like more dumb teen horror. Can’t wait to not watch it.

Nightflyers

NIGHTFLYERS (SyFy Channel™/2018/2019)
“Eight maverick scientists and a powerful telepath embark on an expedition to the edge of our solar system in the hopes of contacting alien life. They travel aboard The Nightflyer — a ship with a small tightknit crew and a reclusive captain. But when terrifying and violent events begin to take place they start to question each other, and surviving the journey proves harder than anyone thought.”

This looks to be a TV series, which is good, because it gives me YET ANOTHER excuse to not get off the couch. Nightflyers is based on George R.R. Martin’s 1980 supernatural novella (short book) of the same name and was actually made into a movie back in 1987. I may or may not have seen it. Hey, I have hair to comb and lawns to mow. I take that stuff seriously.

Meet The New Gods, Same As The Old Gods

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clash of the Titans

When you think about it, Clash of the Titans (the remake, 2010), is Greek mythology’s version of Christianity. You have God (Zeus), Satan (Hades) and Jesus (Perseus), all playing with the lives and minds of humanity. Kinda like beer.

Clash of the Titans

In this case, Argos, a city of the unwashed, is fed up with the Gods not answering their prayers, and destroys all graven images. This, of course, angers the Gods, and they let Hades make them pay for their blasphemy.

Clash of the Titans

The Gods call for the sacrifice of the queen’s supermodel hot daughter, Andromeda. If they don’t BBQ her alive in 10 days they will unleash the Kraken, a mega creature feared by the Gods themselves. Probably because the darn thing is twice the size of Argos and has a wide variety of long tentacles with which to crush and knock over stuff. Just looking at it will cause you to colorize your toga.

Clash of the Titans

Giant scorpions, snake women, gargoyle harpies, flying horses, the KrakenChristianity was never this cool or fun.

Religious Fireballs

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Believers

In Believers (2007), YET ANOTHER cult wants to save your soul and take you to the other side of the galaxy where your unconditional faith will be rewarded with immortality. And to purify your soul, you must first enter the Gas Chamber of Salvation and divest yourself of all your earthly belongings: your KISS™ t-shirt and your life (which for SOME of us is the same thing).

Believers

The cult, lead by an older scientist-y looking fart, has convinced two dozen people he cracked the code, the one that proves God’s existence. (And here all this time we were worshiping the Bible instead of a math book. I am SO going to Hell.) It is further explained that everyone left behind will suffer total destruction via fire from the sky. (Whoever is planning on lighting candles and tossing ’em off your roof — not funny.)

Believers

Two paramedics are taken hostage by cult members. Locked in the Reflection Room (dirty bathroom stall with no toilet paper), their choices are to become one of the Believers and be saved from the fireballs, or be forced to take a death pill that also doubles as a breath mint.

Believers

One chooses poison, probably because it tastes better than gas chamber vapors. Everyone is locked into a room and the gas turned on. The medic pulls himself free from his cult handcuffs and force vomits the pill. Whew! Too late to rescue his buddy, though.

Believers

Jump ahead a month and the little girl lives with him and his wife in their sunny home and… Hmmm, the sky seems extra brighter today. Must be all those fireballs.

Lake Monsters, Killer Snowmen, Hometown Exorcisms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lake Norman Monsters

Lots of reports of fresh sightings of the Lake Norman Monster (his name is “Normie”). Located in North Carolina, Normie’s been gooning out tourists by flashing his hump lately in public. While sightings go back 50 years, some think the creature is  a giant catfish, others an actual leftover from the prehistoric era. I’m theorizing it’s a Loch Ness monster shaped log someone threw in the lake. (Okay, it was me. Are you happy?)

Lake Norman is just under 20 miles from Uptown Charlotte. I know her; she’s kind of a floozy. If you go on LakeNormanMonster.com, there isn’t much in the way of compelling photographic evidence (mostly testimonies from drunk fishermen), but a virtual roadside stand of Normie books, posters, art, T-shirts and coffee mugs. I’ll give this to North Carolina — they know how to market a the snot out of this “creature” whose “sightings” are the stuff of tourist dollar dreams.

So is there an actual lake monster living in a North American lake that people swim, fish and pee in? With no physical evidence whatsoever, all signs still point to yes. And speaking of things you might want to keep an eye out for, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/TV series that are more or less proven to exist…

Temple

TEMPLE (September 1, 2017)
“Three Americans on a trip to Japan are fascinated by a haunted temple, and, despite warnings from the villagers, decide to spend a night there.”

That’s Americans for you, never listening to anybody else other than the voices that come from the bottle you have a death grip on. Heck, show me a haunted temple/house/condo/dive bar and get out of my way. But know this — I won’t go all the way to Japan to party in a ghost-filled temple. Too expensive and I’d probably end up sitting next to a spirit of a coach class traveler the whole way there and back. The flick sounds fun, though it’ll probably look a LOT like one of my home movies.

The Exorcist Season 2

THE EXORCIST SEASON 2 (Friday, September 29, 2017)
“Across the Atlantic, Father Bennett attempts to weed out those within the Vatican who have turned against God. Ultimately, Tomas and Marcus are led to Andrew Kim, a former child psychologist who runs a group home for five at-risk foster children on a secluded private island off the coast of Seattle. When one of the children under Andrew’s care is targeted by a powerful force, the two priests head west, setting themselves on a collision course with Hell.”

Two things: Watched season one and was blindsided with the story’s sweet twist. Secondly, season two takes place on a private island off the coast of Seattle? Well, double sweet, as the Emerald City is where I dwell. However, I do take issue with the “private island off the coast of Seattle” part; there is no such thing. There is, though, Vashon, Bainbridge and Whidbey islands, all of which are wide open to the stinky public and are only short ferry/paddle boat rides to go stink up the place. There’s a bunch of small islands (San Juans, Camano) within seagull reach. Maybe it’s one of those damned places. Heh.

The Snowman

THE SNOWMAN (October 20, 2017)
“When an elite crime squad’s lead detective investigates the disappearance of a victim on the first snow of winter, he fears an elusive serial killer may be active again. With the help of a brilliant recruit, the cop must connect decades-old cold cases to the brutal new one if he hopes to outwit this unthinkable evil before the next snowfall.”

Total stock serial killer plot, but with one exception — Michael Fassbender is the lead detective. He was Magneto in a couple X-Men movies and the android David/Walter in Alien: Covenant (2017). Also — and this is no joke — his character’s name in this one is Harry Hole. (I can’t even type that without LOL-ing.) But it’s true. You can’t make up stuff like this. Okay, I could. But no one else.

Charismata

CHARISMATA (2017/2018)
“As a rookie detective struggling to find acceptance in a police department defined by a culture of bullying and intolerance, things go from bad to worse when the chief suspect in a series of brutal ritualistic murders takes a personal interest in her. A game of cat and mouse ensues which sees Rebecca’s grasp on reality beginning to spiral out of control, leading to a terrifying climax where she needs to fight for her sanity, her life and maybe even her soul.”

Maybe her soul? C’mon — make that part happen. No one cares about anybody’s sanity anymore as we’re all pretty much insane (except me). But when you throw a soul into the spiked punch bowl, then it’s time to grab a cup and start bailin’ like the darn thing sprung a leak. I do like the movie’s title — sounds like a freshly showered/powdered stripper or an ‘80s superheroine whose costume is nothing but stain-resistant spandex.

Global Sharks, Canadian Sharks, God’s Whoopee Cushion

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Drifter

Been sitting on the sidelines, listening (well, reading, actually) superhero fan boys complain their acne-terrained faces off over the new Spider-Man costume upgrades, implemented by Tony Stark/Iron Man for Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7, 2017). The new suit has a built in computer chip that allows Spider-Man to glide like a flying squirrel, a parachute (for when the flying squirrel feature doesn’t fully deploy), collapsible (yet form-fitting) fabric, an on-board computer (ala, Iron Man), and new and improved web stuff that shoots out of his hands. (Let’s hope that’s all that shoots out of Spider-Man.)

Not sure why all the bellyaching; after countless comics and five movies with two different Spider-Guys — all using the same suit — these upgrades are not only downright awesome (I would like one, please), it’s about flippin’ time, and brings Spider-Man — a Marvel Universe linchpin — in line with all the rest of the superheroes that’ve been brilliantly contemporized (looking in your direction, Batman) for the sake of our movie bit coins. So I say to the complainers — shut up twice.

Speaking of things needing an upgrade, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need technological assistance…or a scientifically accessorized Whoopee Cushion™.

THE DRIFTER (June 6, 2017)
“A uniquely troubled man finds himself on a downward spiral induced by painful memories of his dark and distant past. Taking refuge from his long days and nights of driving aimlessly on the open highway, he stops off in a small town, where he happens to cross paths with an old acquaintance. This acquaintance becomes dangerously intrigued and determined to discover the skeletons hiding in the drifter’s past.”

A troubled man caught in a shame spiral. Sounds like a lot of bar stool people I know. Not me; I mock shame. So is The Drifter a slasher movie? A serial killer movie? (Same difference.) A plot-weary drama trying to dress itself as a horror movie? Goin’ with that one.

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING (August 6, 2017)
“The mission gets personal for Fin Shepard and his bionic wife, April when their young son gets trapped in a traveling ‘nado and transported all over the world. From London to Rio, Tokyo, Rome and Amsterdam, the heroes seek assistance from royals, scholars, Olympians and news talking heads in their epic battle.”

Sharknado has officially become the bad karaoke night of “sci-fi” movies. So sharks, now the new zombie virus, are taking over the planet. And April is a bionic wife? Does that mean she nags in digital? About the only thing I do like is the kicker line: Global Swarming. That made beer shoot out my nose — and I wasn’t even drinking one when I read it.

Fighting The Sky

FIGHTING THE SKY (2017/2018)
“A group of young ufologists explore a series of apocalyptic sounds emerging from the sky. For years, all around the world, people have heard and recorded a thundering sound that emits from the sky without any origin or explanation. Even the scientists are stumped, folks, and the strange part is the media is ignoring it.”

Fighting the Sky’s premise was taken from all those YouTube™ videos of people recording unseen source apocalyptic sounds coming from the sky. It’s as if God was the world’s noisiest neighbor. Most have been proven to be fake. (Probably made with two turntables and a microphone — and a really big Whoopee Cushion™, which is right up there with the invention of the wheel in terms of civilization advancements.)

Moose Jaws

MOOSE JAWS (pending crowd-funding)
Combining a shark with a moose? Why didn’t I think of that? This one’s being made by genius wise-guy Kevin Smith, who looks to complete his “True North Trilogy,” which began with Tusk (2014) and followed up with Yoga Hosers (2016). Smith has said that the walrus/human hybrid from Tusk will appear in the film, as will the two main characters from Yoga Hosers. I just felt a pee shiver of anticipation.

Kevin’s official statement: “I love Jaws, I love Canada, and I combined the two of them. So the whole thing is beat-for-beat Jaws, up until the third act. In the third act it becomes Godzilla, Destroy All Monsters, Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, and ends with Return of the Jedi. It’s pretty magical.”

That’s the understatement of the year. We need to give Kevin all our money right now to get this thing made.

Ghost Town With Real Ghosts. And Dogs.

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stephen King's Desperation

Not since The Stand (1994) has a Stephen King movie adaptation had such a high body count. And these expired husks aren’t just for statistical/social reasons: they’re rotted, leaking, stinking and bloated, with snakes and hairy tarantulas coming out of mouths and holes where the eyes and south of the belt exit-only ramps used to be. Like human non-recycleables, these things are all over the place.

Stephen King's Desperation

One person is responsible for all this carnage: the town sheriff. He’s so sadistic, you cringe in your swimsuit (hey, the washing machine’s broken —don’t judge me) every time he traps another victim on a long stretch of highway just outside the small Nevada town of Desperation. Those he doesn’t kill right away land in a small jail. The others get shot without a lick of thought. (i.e., a five year-old girl.)

Stephen King's Desperation

As with all Stephen King stories/adaptations, you’re overloaded with complex characters, one of which is always “different,” in this case a young boy who speaks directly to God. Good thing as the other God (i.e., Tak) is possessing bodies (i.e., the sheriff) and making them rot from the inside out (i.e., goopy drawers).

Stephen King's Desperation

The first half of Stephen King’s Desperation (2006) is intense enough to make your underpanties twist up under the driveshaft. The small town is completely dead from the inside out. Dozens of dogs evenly line the street as if waiting for a cat parade. Vultures peck nonchalantly at bodies, snacking lightly in-between meals. And there are rattlers (snakes) and crawlers (spiders) everywhere you step. (The grocery store scene will make you think twice about ever walking into a food shop full of dead people again.)

Stephen King's Desperation

The second half, where the God kid and Tak’s prisoners get out of jail (great scene) and try and figure out what the flip, starts to sink under its own weight. Outside of town is the Chinese Pit, a coal/gold/gravel mine where Tak’s cathedral nightclub was disturbed, thereby unleashing the vengeful god and making the Chinese immigrants who were digging in the mine all those happy years ago to go crazy and kill each other with pick axes to the chest vicinity. Stephen KIng's Desperation

The get-out-of-jail people wrestle with moral issues, more spiders and a cougar in a bathroom that changes shape to that of a Vietnamese guy with a bomb. That part will make sense if you just have patience. Instead of getting out of town, the survivors head for the mine where they have a redeeming showdown with Tak, complete with flashback wedgies and dialogue that works better in a book than in a movie with gnarly, decomposing bodies all over the place.

Stephen King's Desperation Normally, I’m all about vengeful gods wreaking havoc, especially if they look like a monster and/or evil something or rather. But Tak looks like cigarette smoke (ala, Lost), which isn’t so scary, unless you factor in the health detriments of second hand smoke. The ending gets kinda “group huggy,” but in the end a decent take on a book with too many pages. Better, anyway, than Stephen King’s ultra-crappy The Langoliers (1995). (The movie version.) Man, what a punch bowl turd that thing is/was/continues to be.

Mastering Exorcism

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Exorcist Master

In Exorcist Master (aka, Qu mo dao zhang/1993) a priest was killed outside a local church when a holy power stepped in, knocked the “God Eats Here” cross steeple off the building, where it falls like a sword straight into the back of the now “thinkin’ about becoming an atheist” collection plate manager, who is somehow turned into a vampire. Maybe he was one before and was merely working undercover for competing religions. The sub-titles weren’t clear on this point.

Exorcist Master

This now makes the Roman Catholic church “dirty” and it’s closed for business until that commerce-minded Priest Wu decides to reopen 20 years later with new paint, a few knick-knack bibles, restoration money supplied by the town’s smoking club (opium den) and brothel (pay-per-play) upstanding business men. This p*sses off Uncle Nine and he vehemently protests, using that unibrow to commanding effect. (If you’ve ever been stared down over a plate of fried duck and dumplings by a person with one eyebrow, it’s rather intimidating, which is why I don’t go back to Benihanas™.)

Exorcist Master

Lam Ching-ying, replays the unibrow’d Taoist priest in those mid-Eighties Mr. Vampire movies as Uncle Nine, a pretty darn serious guy when it comes to ridding the land of ghosts and vampires. (I’ve seen promo pics of him with TWO eyebrows. What is up with that? It somehow made him look less intelligent.)

Exorcist Master

An opening scene botched brother and sister exorcist duo has them failing to rid a cellar of a demon chick ghost. Uncle Nine shows up in time to save the day with some serious anti-paranormal skills. But you’re gonna have to wade through another 90-minutes of non-demon/ghost/vampire plot plodding to get to the final show-down in the church after the cross stake was removed from the punctured priest’s back (they kept him in dry storage) and he flies around thejoint, looking for neck-flavored snacks. (Having a hard time with a vampire priest; don’t crosses and churches make vampires hurl? It does to me — and I’m still waiting for my turn to become a vampire. I put in the application months ago. Gotta be any day now.)

Exorcist Master

Exorcist Master’s slapstick action and dialogue will make you COL (chortle out loud): “Why have you removed my pants? You are so erotic…” And hey, they even sampled one-hit wonder rapper Tone Lōc’s 1989 “Wild Thing” as a backdrop to an exorcist prepping ceremony.

Exorcist Master

But not even Tone Lōc or the high-flying kung fu skills of Uncle Nine can save this tedious horror comedy that spends less time on bloodletting and more time on goofy sequences. (The brother doesn’t know what a bra is and put’s it over his face like a blindfold. “Too big…” he says. I can vouch for that.) Note of interest: There’s a bell-ringing vampire shepherd leading a formation parade of subdued, hopping vampires to the church. With “Wild Thing” playing, I wonder if they were hip-hop vampires. I don’t wanna be one of those as rap sucks like fried duck. (Hey, that rhymes — I think I just wrote a rap song.)