Goth Threads, Bloodthirsty Lawnmower, Ghost Barge

Gold brocade laced pants? Black jacquard waistcoat? Sapphire waist cincer corset? The fashion monster inside me wants out of its cage, all because I clicked on DraculaClothing.com. This clothing site, for all who live in the Darkness (or a drafty 450 ft one-bedroom apartment with insensitive neighbors), is one-stop shopping for vampire, Goth, and steampunk suits, dresses, coats, ties, jewelry, accessories, corsets, and more.

Located in the Czech Republic, Dracula Clothing’s elegantly evil fashions will unleash your inner cosplay or further define your style esthetic, all at extremely affordable prices. (Under $200 dollars, or “Romanian Lei.”) And hey, free worldwide shipping. Minunat!

Who wouldn’t want to go to a snooty masquerade ball dressed to kill in a black brocade long vest with matching velvet officer pants, an onyx tie and a rhinestone skull necklace while you hover around the buffet table, looking to bite the necks of chilled shrimp appetizers? Now THAT would be freakin’ dernier cri!

While we go to DraculaClothing.com for a neck-to-nut, creature of the night wardrobe upgrade, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be stylish in the day OR night…

BLADES IN THE DARKNESS / Out now (VOD
“Tirana 1997. The chaos left by the fall of Communism has opened the doors to a bloody civil war. Matia, just a teenager, is harassed by his playmates. In an attempt to escape, he hides inside an abandoned bunker. In that spooky building, Matia will be the first to discover something scary and unthinkable that will change his whole life…a bloodthirsty horror armed with deadly blades.”

Sounds like my lawnmower has been moonlighting

MASK OF THE DEVIL / Out now (VOD)

“An intern in a porn movie production battles against the evil powers inhabiting an ancient tribal mask.”

I would very much like to be an intern on a porn movie production. Heck, I’ll pay them to hire me. Please. Don’t make me beg.

TERROR TALK / Out Now (Tubi™)

“When a virus outbreak causes widespread panic, a doomsday prepper retreats into his new house, believing that he’s safe from the dangers outside. He soon discovers his house is haunted by terrifying ghosts.”

Tough call — germs outside, ghosts inside. But it boils down to this: germs will make you a ghost, whereas ghosts can’t transmit germs. So yeah, new roommates. Problem solved. 

THE HAUNTING OF LADY-JANE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

The peaceful waterways of the English countryside are plagued by legends of Ràn — a water spirit who collects the bodies of sinful people along the river. After a disturbing incident left Lily emotionally scarred and estranged from her parents she decides to begin her life again. Now a socially aware writer on female empowerment, she decides to tour the country with Zara, whose journey of self-identity has led her to fully explore life. Lily met Zara through her blog, they decided to become travel companions. They see a chance to travel on a barge the Lady-Jane on the English canals. The journey upriver becomes increasingly bizarre and dangerous when canal ghosts surfaces, and the spirit known as Ràn torments them on their journey.

You know how to torment that super mean Ràn fellow? Pee and/or urinate over the side of the barge into the canal, or “British lap pool.”

Kitchen Sink Horror

Looking for new horror movies with fresh, exciting and original ideas? Not gonna find ‘em here. But hey, it’s either this or romantic comedies (i.e., “rom coms”). Now that I think about it, rom coms can be pretty dang horrifying as well. Time to take my foot out of my mouth YET AGAIN.

Anyway…

MONSTER POOL: CHAPTER TWO (Available now / unrated / uncensored)
“One Movie. Ten Tales of Terror. Dive deep into murky and bloody waters with Vampires, Ghosts, Demons, Death, Succubi, Mind Control, The Monster Under Your Bed, Cults, Zombies and Serial Killers!”

What, no kitchen sink? Those things can be shockingly frightful, especially when they’re full of unwashed dishes. (I did ’em last time, so now it’s your turn.)

IT WATCHES (December 6, 2016 / VOD & February 21, 2017 / DVD)
“Andre takes a house sitting job at a creepy home nestled in the hills above Los Angeles. As night comes the house reveals its insidious nature as he begins hearing ominous sounds and experiencing strange occurrences throughout the house that lead him to believe he is not alone, and that someone, or something is in the house with him.”

I’m betting it’s a ghost. Or a rat. Or a rat ghost. The takeaway here is that a haunted house is no big deal when it’s someone else’s mortgage payment.

THE NOONDAY WITCH (aka, Polednice / available now / Czech Republic / USA / 2017)
“Eliška and her eight years old daughter Anetka move into a remote house to begin their new life with the ‘father away on business,’ as the mother claims. However, when the daughter discovers the truth and realizes her own mother lied to her all along, their relationship begins to wither. At that time, the mythical creature of The Noonday Witch begins to materialize. It is coming closer and closer and the question is poised: is the danger real or is it all in the mother’s crumbling head?”

Crumbling head. Great description. It describes me on so many levels. As for the Noonday Witch, I know nothing about her and why she’s up at the crack of noon causing all sorts of sleeping-in-late shennanigans. Maybe it’s because wiccans always work the night shift.

LAKE BODOM (aka, Bodom / available now / Finland, 2017 / USA)
“Every camper’s worst nightmare came true at Lake Bodom in 1960 when four teenagers were stabbed to death while sleeping in their tent. As the years passed and the case grew cold, the unsolved mystery turned into an urban legend, a creepy campfire story passed from generation to generation. Now, a group of teenagers arrives at the same campsite, hoping to solve the murder by reconstructing it minute by minute. As night falls, turns out not all of them are there to play. Tonight it’s girls against boys. Let the killing games begin.”

Stock Horror Plot # 8. New slasher movie, same recipe. I’ll still watch it, even though they give away the plot. Theorized spoiler: If it’s not each other, I bet the killer is that Toronto Maple Leafs hockey fan from Friday the 13th Part III (1982).

THE VOID (2017)
“In the middle of a routine patrol, officer Daniel Carter happens upon a blood-soaked figure limping down a deserted stretch of road. He rushes the young man to a nearby rural hospital staffed by a skeleton crew, only to discover that patients and personnel are transforming into something inhuman. As the horror intensifies, Carter leads the other survivors on a hellish voyage into the subterranean depths of the hospital in a desperate bid to end the nightmare before it’s too late.”

A skeleton crew working at a hospital. I don’t know why that cracks me up. The plot recalls 2008’s Norwegian horror movie Dark Floors, wherein heavy metal demons pursue a father and daughter trapped in a haunted hospital. I don’t think heavy metal demons are in The Void, though. Probably zombies. Or skeletons. Or zombie skeletons. Working the night shift.

A Taste For Cannibalism

I never really understood cannibals. Unless you’re a zombie, I don’t see the point in eating human flesh, what with a McDonald’s every twenty-feet from where you’re standing. Must be a religious thing.

Which brings me to the point; There’s a new horror movie called Ghoul (releasing June 23, 2015), about a real-life cannibal/murderer/criminal Andrei Chikatilo, the Soviet Union’s most violent serial killer. This f’d-in-the-head nut bag committed sexual assault, murder and mutilation of 52 women and children between 1978 and 1990 in Russia and the surrounding counties and was finally caught and executed in 1994. I’m sure everybody wants to relive those memories with this movie.

In order to make Ghoul more palatable (sorry), the filmmakers have put a supernatural spin on things: “Three Americans travel to the Ukraine to film a documentary about the cannibalism epidemic that swept through the country during the famine of 1932. After being lured deep into the Ukraine forest for an interview with one of the last known survivors, they quickly find themselves trapped in a supernatural hunting ground.”

To prove there’s still a taste (sorry) for movie themes as this, Ghoul opened #1 in the Czech Republic and went on to become the highest grossing horror movie in Czech history, followed up by a limited U.S. theatrical release in March. Clearly, moviegoers ate (sorry) up the movie and the filmmakers are feasting (sorry) on profits.

All this talk about eating is making me hungry. Time to head to McDonald’s. I wonder if McRibs™ are made from real human ribs? Maybe in the Ukraine.

P.S. Ghoul should not be confused with The Ghouls, an upcoming (December 18, 2015) Chinese action/adventure/fantasy/thriller movie based on the novel Ghost Blow Out The Light, which I have not read as its written in some sort of foreign language, possible Russian.