Freaks 4 Freddy, Fairy Appetite, Hairy Heredity

If you’re just a casual fan or full-blown freak for all things A Nightmare on Elm Street, then FredHeads The Documentary, an upcoming feature about Elm Street fanatics, should have you bouncing up and down on a knife glove in anticipation of its February 14, 2023 release.

From the FredHeads press release: “Directed by Paige Troxell and Kim Gunzinger, this documentary follows a group whose friendships were formed and molded by A Nightmare on Elm Street. They venture out to share the stories of other fans of all ages from around the world whose lives were also changed by the horror film franchise.”

So while we’re placing bets on whether these obsessed fans still live with their parents, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be a nightmare on any street… 

THE DEVIL BENEATH / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Two estranged brothers and their friends are pulled into a world of mystery and lies when their grandfather’s property is passed into their hands. As both brothers are pulled apart by different choices, one thing is clear — something sinister is going on. As people go missing the brothers learn secrets that will change their life forever — but what is out there? A myth? A hoax? Or could it really be…real?”

I wrote about this one back in 2015. That’s, like, 47 years ago give or take. It was released as Red Billabong in Australia, where it was made. I have no idea if that country is a myth or a hoax or possibly real. While I figure it out, this “about bloody time” movie is finally being released here in the states with a new title. Good — I didn’t know what a “billabong” was and why it’s red.

IN MY MOTHER’S SKIN / January 20, 2023 (VOD)

“Stranded in the Philippines during World War II, a young girl finds that her duty to protect her dying mother is complicated by her misplaced trust in a beguiling, flesh-eating fairy.”

Yeah, you can’t trust a flesh-eating fairy regardless of how beguiling. One minute you and a fairy are hanging out, having a couple of beers, then the next your face is a sandwich. An open-face sandwich. Heh.

ALONE AT NIGHT / January 20, 2023 (VOD)

“Vicky is a young woman looking for an escape after going through a harrowing break-up. After retreating to a friend’s remote cabin in the woods to clear her head, she continues modeling sexy lingerie for her devoted followers on 18 & Over, an adults-only, live-streaming website. But when the power keeps going out, Vicky discovers something terrifying awaiting her in the dark — a masked killer wielding a crowbar who’s hellbent on bringing her night to a grisly end.”

I looked but was unable to find her adults-only live-streaming website. Found 117,413 others, though.

WOLFKIN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Elaine, a single mother, is raising her son, Martin, who shows strange and uncontrollable behavior. When the boy bites one of his classmates, Elaine, desperate for answers, takes him to see his paternal grandparents. But there she discovers the true nature of the family and has to choose between acceptance or fighting for her son’s destiny.

So the young boy is a wolf. He could be his own pet.

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Kaiju Chums, Wrathful Windmills, Woodland Cults

Godzilla vs. Kong 2 isn’t just a fevered dream of, say, someone who might drink a LOT of beer, it’s also happening…for real. Now filming in Australia (or “Hollower Earth ”), GvK2 is slated for release on March 15, 2024. In impatient fan years, that’s like 100. (Note: The above graphic is NOT anywhere near being the official ad sheet. I hereby divest myself of any and all blame.)

Here’s what they’re telling us about the biblical event thus far: “The new movie pits the almighty Kong and the fearsome Godzilla against a colossal undiscovered threat hidden within our world, challenging their very existence – and our own. It will delve further into the histories of these Titans, their origins and the mysteries of Skull Island and beyond, while uncovering the mythic battle that helped forge these extraordinary beings and tied them to humankind forever.”

I need to take a cold shower. Before I do, I’m seeing the movie might also be called Godzilla and Kong and Godzilla and Kong: Origins, suggesting these two city-wrecking rascals are now BFFs. Cute. I’ll check Instagram™ for their selfies and hug-it-out posts. 

While we’re forced to wait for the future to hurry up and get here right the f-word now, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not induce fever dreams brought on by beer… 

MIRAL / Out now (VOD)

“A family on a car journey runs into trouble in a windmills farm. The husband tries to save them from mysterious occurrences that are happening.”

A windmill is a structure that converts wind power into rotational energy by means of vanes called sails or blades, specifically to mill grain. Unless that milled grain is used to make evil sandwich bread and/or delicious, artificially-colored breakfast cereals, not seeing the point here.

THE LONG DARK TRAIL / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“After two impoverished teenage brothers manage to escape their abusive father, they embark on a treacherous and haunted journey in the hope of finding their estranged mother who has joined a sadistic cult, deep in the woods of Northwest Pennsylvania.”

Impoverished. I’ve used that word lots of times when settling up a bar tab, “Sorry — I seem to be a little impoverished this week. Can you cover me until pay day?” Works every time. 

T BLOCKERS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When ancient parasites that thrive on hatred rise from beneath a small town, taking the most fearful and susceptible as hosts, a young trans filmmaker struggling to transition in increasingly hostile times for LGBTQ+ people, finds herself the only one who can sense the possessed, and rally the resistance before the horror escapes and spreads.”

Given the repugnant level of hostility for the for LGBTQ+ community these days, the hate-seeking ancient parasites just hit the bottom of the barrel jackpot. 

ATTACHMENT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Maja, a has-been actress in Denmark, falls in love with Leah, a young, Jewish academic visiting from the UK. When Leah suffers a mysterious seizure, Maja fears their whirlwind romance might be cut short and decides to follow Leah back to her home in London. There, Maja meets her new downstairs neighbor: Leah’s mother, Chana. An overbearing, seemingly religious and highly secretive woman, Chana seems resistant to all of Maja’s attempts to win her over. And as Maja notices strange occurrences in the building, she begins to suspect that Chana’s secrets could be much darker than first anticipated.”

It always makes me heart sad when seizures and strange occurrences get in the way of whirlwind romances.

Origin of Blood, Nuclear Crabs, Killer Kangaroos

Get ready to load your britches. Ahead of The Witcher Season 3 next summer, The Witcher: Blood Origin, a spinoff series, is coming to Netflix™, December 25, 2022. Check to see if your pants can handle a double load. If not, you’re pre-forgiven, so no holiday party foul.

From Netflix™: “A four-part series, The Witcher: Blood Origin is set in an elven world 1200 years before the world of The Witcher and will tell a story lost to time – the creation of the first prototype Witcher, and the events that lead to the pivotal ‘conjunction of the spheres,’ when the worlds of monsters, men, and elves merged to become one.”

While we get ready to open the Christmas present that is The Witcher: Blood Origin, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you tarnish your trousers…

THE WITCH: PART 2 – THE OTHER ONE / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“In this sequel to the popular Korean sci-fi action thriller, the story moves away from a confined secret lab and out into the real world. After a mysterious girl emerges as the sole survivor of a bloody raid on the research facility behind the top-secret Witch Program, she is rescued by a pair of civilians who soon realize the girl is both very powerful and in very grave danger.”

In case you have a weak stomach for witch-y violence, carnage and/or violent carnage, you might wanna watch Hocus Pocus 2 instead. Everyone else, broom up.

THE WILLOWBROOK / Out now (VOD)

“A renowned wellness influencer invites one of her recently overdosed followers to seek recovery at her small-town manor. Once the follower arrives, she realizes the dark world existing within the manor is not what she — nor millions of others — perceived from the Internet. With a gripping and fast-paced tone, this film explores the duplicitous side of social media.”

This is probably as boring as it sounds.

CRABS! / November 15, 2022 (VOD) November 22, 2022 (Blu-ray)

“Mutated by nuclear runoff, a horde of murderous horseshoe crabs descend on a sleepy California town causing Prom Night terror. As the deadly crustaceans claw their way through the disbelieving population, it’s up to a ramshackle band of students and local law enforcement to address the increasingly ginormous crab menace.”

Used to be there were only two ways to catch crabs: get a job on a fishing boat or sitting your fart box on a gas station bathroom toilet. These days crabs come out of the ocean and jump right in your lap. Even though the cut-throat crustaceans are painfully pinching people in this movie, might as well make the most of it and smear butter and a squeeze of lemon all over your pants.

THE RED / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A young sheriff, obsessed with living up to her dead father’s legacy, finds her mettle tested to the limit when locals start being found ripped to shreds. Now she must finally face up to her past, and work with her eccentric Vietnam veteran uncle to defeat the beast before it kills everyone in town.”

The Red takes place in the Outback (Australia, not the semi-popular restaurant chain with reasonably-priced albeit mediocre center-cut sirloin steaks). The “ripped-to-shreds” community can only mean one thing: a runaway X300 Select Series John Deere™ Lawn Tractor. Or a carnivorous kangaroo.

Monster Pride, Extraterrestrial Daddy, Fondling Faeries

Cheers to Scream Factory™ for celebrating Pride Month with the re-release of The Babadook (2014) and a Pride rainbow variant of the Blu-ray cover. Not only do you get a top-shelf horror movie that came out of nowhere (okay, Australia), a portion of all sales in June are being donated to the Los Angeles LGBT Center. And at an affordable $19.95, snap ’em up quick as they’re limited to 2,500 copies.

If you haven’t seen The Babadook, here’s why you should: “A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son’s fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.”

Okay, so the press release doesn’t exactly inspire a sprint to the video store (whatever those are), or clicking like a madman online. But this one showed up on film critics’ best of year-end lists almost unanimously.

And while we celebrate all things Pride and Babadook-y, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be watchable by hysterical single moms with haunted kids…

DOLLS (July 2, 2019)
“A struggling children’s book author and his rebellious teenage daughter inherit a house where they find mysterious dolls in the attic, which prove to be more sinister than they first appear.”

Then don’t go into the attic. Or the basement. Or the tool shed out back. Or the bathroom after this movie takes a big steaming dump to match its storyline.

CARNIVAL ROW (August 30, 2019/Amazon Prime™)
“A Victorian fantasy world filled with mythological immigrant creatures. Feared by humans, they are forbidden to live, love, or fly with freedom. But even in darkness, hope lives, as a human detective and a faerie rekindle a dangerous affair. The city’s uneasy peace collapses when a string of murders reveals a monster no one could imagine.”

A streaming TV series, which means more binge watching, which also means more meaningful time spent on the couch. Wondering what they mean by “rekindling a dangerous affair” between a regular dude and a faerie; I’m all for it. Just think, a girlfriend with wings — you fly, I’ll buy. Heh.

AD ASTRA (September 20, 2019)
“An Army Corps engineer decides to go on an ambitious space mission to find out the truth behind the mysterious disappearance of his father, who set out on a journey to Neptune looking for signs of extraterrestrial intelligence, but never returned.”

Long way to go to get some closure on your daddy issues. Maybe he’s going off grid to keep from paying child support. Maybe Neptune’s not far away enough.

THE DAWN (2019)
“A young woman witnesses her father murder her family in the wake of World War I. Sent to live in a convent, she dedicates her life to the Lord. However, her demons follow and manifest themselves in ways which bring the nightmares of her past with her. ”

I hear there are no TVs or min-bars in convents. Bring on the demons.

Zombie Snacks, Killer Trees, Blood Boat

Clicked across HarcosLabs.com, a site that sells blood bags containing Blood Energy Potion and Zombie Blood, both for $5.99 each (a discount if you buy in volume). And while you’re sucking down these must-have beverages, you can chew on their Zombie Jerky and Dried Zombie Skin ($4.99 and $3.69 respectively). If you’re mouth isn’t watering by now, you must be dead.

Here’s the product plot info: “We have provided the world’s first drinkable synthetic blood substitute available for human consumption.  This fantastic fruit punch-flavored beverage packs 4 hours of energy 80mg of caffeine together with iron and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional make-up to real blood, it has the same color, look, and consistency.” Sadly, they go one to say these drinks do not contain any real blood. That’d just jack up the price.

Time to raid the swear jar AGAIN and order me two of everything. Before you follow suit, here are a few available now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as Dried Zombie Skin…

DON’T COME BACK FROM THE MOON (available now)
“In a dusty town at the edge of the world, the men of a small community begin to vanish one by one. Theories about their whereabouts swirl through the ether as their wives and teenage children wait for their return.”

Anyone think to check the local dive bar?

THE ORCHARD (2019)
“A sheriff gets called to an orchard where three teenage sisters have been attacked by a band of young delinquents. Arriving on the scene, the lawman soon realizes a malevolent force lurks within the grounds that will drag everyone into a fight for their lives.”

This sounds suspiciously like The X-Files episode “Schizogeny” (9th episode, 5th season/1998), wherein Mulder and Scully investigate a rural orchard that has killer trees. It was better than it sounds.

BLOOD VESSEL (2019)
“Somewhere in the North Atlantic, late 1945. A life raft adrift at sea, and in it, the survivors of a torpedoed hospital ship: With no food, water, or shelter, all seems lost — until an abandoned German minesweeper drifts ominously towards them, giving them one last chance at survival.”

This one came out in 2018 in Australia, wherever that is. Now we get Australia’s leftovers. Funny title, though. Surprised Dracula didn’t name his fishing boat that.

Mother Nature Gone Wild

Nature’s Grave (aka, Long Weekend/2008) — an Aussie horror flick about Mother Nature teaching humans a hard lesson about peeing in the woods. It’s also is a remake, which came out in 1978. Didn’t see that one. I bet they had 1970s’ haircuts and hippie clothes in that one.

Peter and Carla are a young married couple whose marital status is like a shipwreck — on the rocks. Heh. This is due to Carla having an affair, getting knocked up and having an abortion without first finding out IF the kid was actually that of Mr. One Night Stand. They argue, call each other names interjected with swear words, bicker constantly…sounds like normal married life to me.

Going camping for the weekend to see if they can save what’s left of their relationship, they head for the out-of-the-way (yeah, I could’ve said isolated, BUT CHOSE NOT TO) Moondah Beach on Australia’s North Coast, a pristine wooded and beach-y area, a perfect place to discard empty beer cans and cigarette butts. And pee.

They find a dead sea cow washed up on shore, a first clue things aren’t cool. Then snakes start getting panties in a twist. Then ants wanna build an ant farm on your face. Then Peter finds other campers’ bodies hanging from trees. Then the bugs start bugging them. Then there’s that ghostly black figure in the water, which I think is a metaphor, but is more likely Aqua Sasquatch.

Freaked out, Carla takes off in the joint custody Jeep™, leaving Peter to wake up the next day with the dead sea cow laying next to him. Yeesh — that’s the last time he’s gonna go on a Foster’s Lager™ bender. You’ve heard of coyote ugly? This is 112 times worse.

Running like hell to get the hell out of there, Peter stumbles across his dead wife. OK, one problem solved. Trying to escape Nature’s wrath, though, for all the thoughtless crimes against leaves and various bushes, Peter is surrounded by super mad foliage. And still that dark figure lurks nearby, making him freak the double heck out.

All of the stuff leading up to the final moment is horror lite, but it’s the unforeseen gnarly death scene at the end that will catch you off guard enough to actually make startled sounds come out of your spit valve.

And if you really want a cool “nature strikes back” film, hop on down to the video store and rent Frogs (1972).

Social Media Demons, Slashing Santas, Shower Power

New teaser art for the upcoming season three of Ash vs. Evil Dead, one of the fun/funniest/goriest shows on the ‘ol  Magnavox™. The 10-episode season launches on Sunday, February 25, 2018 at 9PM ET/PT on Starz™. Sunday’s are usually my night to stay in and wash my hair. But I can out it off for a week to see Ash buzz through demons with his chainsaw arm.

From the press release: “Ash vs Evil Dead Season 3 finds Ash’s status in Elk Grove, Michigan has changed from murderous urban legend to humanity-saving hometown hero. When Kelly witnesses a televised massacre with Ruby’s fingerprints all over it, she returns with a new friend to warn Ash and Pablo that evil isn’t done with them yet. Blood is thicker than water in the battle of good vs Evil Dead!”

While we impatiently wait five more months, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not lube your chainsaw, metaphorical or otherwise…

BnB HELL (available now)
“A young woman’s hunt for her missing sister ends at a rundown bed and breakfast in the Hollywood Hills run by an ill-tempered woman called Mommy. Disturbing messages left by former guests suggest unsettling secrets lay buried there.”

Was only a matter of time before the BnB craze became the framework for horror. Already done using the Uber™/Lyft™ model with Ryde (2017): “Technology brings us closer. Or perhaps it brings strangers a little too close. But how much can you really trust someone? With a new ride share service, you never know who you’ll be getting in a car with. Or if you’ll ever get out.” Not a good way to get tips or a clickable star rating. Still, better than the city bus and/or taxis.

DEVIL’S NIGHT (available now/VOD)
“Daniel, a charismatic teen from a broken home, wants nothing more than to get out of the trailer park. After scraping together just enough money to buy a video camera, he begins making YouTube™ videos in the hope that his antics will lead him to a better life. But when his videos fail to catch on and all his friends leave for college, Daniel’s left all alone. Undeterred, he discovers an old documentary about a serial killer who brutally murdered seven people in a satanic sacrifice not too far from his hometown. Thinking this might be his last chance for success, he decides to film a video in the killer’s house, only to summon an evil worse than anything he could have possibly imagined.”

Good idea — go into a killer’s house of evil with a camera. There’s a reason demons don’t take selfies. And since when are dumbass antics broadcast on social media a career path? Teens be dumb.

78/52 (October 13, 207)
“An unprecedented look at the iconic shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), the ‘man behind the curtain,’ and the screen murder that profoundly changed the course of world cinema.”

They’re correct — that one scene, which even has college courses dedicated to it, all but defined modern horror movies, scream queens, slashers and screechy violin music. I once had a Psycho shower scene shirt — it read: “Wash all of life’s problems down the drain.” That’s not just funny, but LOL funny.

APOCALYPSE CULT (October, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“While investigating the legend of a mysterious group of people living in the forest, a local news crew comes across an all-too-real doomsday cult. Trapped in their grasp, the news crew must find a way to escape before they execute their final act of devotion.”

This one actually came out in Australia, home of giant bouncing rabbits, back in 2014. Don’t know why it took so long to get here in the States. Maybe the Land Down Under was dealing with their plague of kid-eating dingos and mosh pit razorbacks. That’s a  good excuse as any. Note to self: plan vacation to Australia and taunt nature after drinking multiple cans of XXXX Gold 12.4% beer.

ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“Meet Santa and Mrs. Claus: he’s a one-eyed fiend, she’s a curvy, bat-swinging blonde. This serial killer couple is terrorizing the holidays in an upstate New York town with a series of horrific homicides. Though the victims seem random — a mall Santa, a smooching couple, an innocent family — high-schooler Jennifer and clever cop Sam begin to unravel the sinister pattern behind the slayings. Can they stop the murders before Christmas comes — and there’s no one left to celebrate?”

Diggin’ the twist: Santa and his dame are serial killers. But I have a few questions: like how many gangsta elves are in their employ? Does this mean their getaway car is a reindeer-fueled sled? Are candy canes used as stabby tools of the trade? Can’t wait for Christmas.

Affordable Sharks, Maniac Babysitters, Killer TV

Shark Hotel, unfortunately, is not a real movie, though it should be. The homage to the old lurid VHS cover art was expertly designed by Rob Schrab.

There’s a real Shark Hotel, though. It’s in the UK (there’s also one in Sydney, Australia), and looks to be perfect for those traveling abroad on a budget made of shoestring. Here’s the bait: “Featuring marine-themed murals and mood lighting, the casual cabin-style rooms sleep up to 4 guests (2 in bunk beds), and include free Wi-Fi, flat-screen TVs, and tea and coffee-making facilities. Shark Hotel is on the edge of Fleet Lake within the Thorpe Park theme park. This quirky hotel with a shark-shaped entrance and is a 5-minute walk from Derren Brown’s Ghost Train and two miles from the M25 motorway. A breakfast buffet and parking are free, while fast-track access to rides is also offered. There’s an informal restaurant/bar.”

Sharks, ghosts, bunk beds and an informal restaurant/bar? This sounds like the British version of Disneyland. Whilst I rummage around for holiday shillings (probably some stashed under my kip — look it up), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as entertaining as an informal restaurant/bar or a British bunk bed…

THE BABYSITTER (October 13, 2017/Netflix™)
“Cole is madly in love with his babysitter, Bee. She’s cool and awesome in all the ways Cole is not. One evening while Bee is babysitting, Cole witnesses the unthinkable. Now he must survive a night full of first kisses, first broken hearts, and first encounters with homicidal maniacs.”

So the object of Cole’s pants desire is a homicidal maniac. As babysitting techniques go, you can’t argue with its effectiveness.

SLASHER: GUILTY PARTY (October 17, 2017/Netflix™)
“In the remote Canadian winter wilderness, a group of former summer camp counselors are forced to return to the isolated campground to retrieve evidence of a crime they committed in their youth. Before long the group, and the camp’s latest inhabitants — members of a spiritual retreat with their own secrets to hide — find themselves targeted by someone — or something — out for horrific revenge.”

A masked killer with a sharp hunting knife is hunting down young girls for Cuisinarting purposes. Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know — about 3,000 same-themed movies ago.

ALL I SEE IS YOU (October 27, 2017)
“Gina and husband James have an almost perfect marriage. After being blinded as a child in a nearly fatal car crash that claimed her parent’s lives, Gina depends on James to be her eyes-a dependence that appears to solidify their passionate relationship. It seems the only real hardship this loving couple faces is difficulty conceiving a child but when Gina is given the opportunity to have a corneal transplant and regains her vision, their life and relationship are upended. Gina now sees the world with a new sense of wonder and independence which James finds threatening. It is only when Gina suddenly begins to lose her sight again that she finally realizes the disturbing reality of their marriage and their lives.”

The lively Blake Lively stars in this one. Last time I saw her, she was being manhandled by a crazy mad shark (The Shallows/2016). Now it looks like she’s about to face off with a marriage shark. Those, I hear, are crazy mad.

THE MURDER SHOW (2017/2018)
“A journalist’s search for clues leading to his sisters disappearance lands him on a disturbing hidden website inside the deep web called The Murder Show. He soon finds himself being stalked by the twisted psychopaths that run the site.”

There are twisted psychopaths on the Internet? Why in Steve Jobs’ name didn’t anyone tell me? I’ll have to be careful where I click and impulse shop.

Massive Monsters, Ghost Baby-Sitters, Date Night

Getting the happy itchys anticipating Alien Covenant at my local cineplex on Friday, May 19, 2017 (if you’re keeping track of years). I’m hoping they have a midnight screening on that Thursday. I have my KISS Army™ blanket, a pocket full of bit coins for snacks and a fresh pair of socks ready to go. (I plan on spending the night — might as well be prepared.)

While I “fun spot” itch for a few more weeks, here are some upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worth scratching yourself in public for…

BERLIN SYNDROME (May 5, 2017)
“An Australian photographer meets a charismatic local man while on holiday in Berlin. After a night of passion, she finds herself locked in his apartment and soon realizes he has no intentions of letting her go, ever.”

She’s not looking at the positive side of this equation — free rent! And apparently, passion aplenty, from what I’m hearing.

HUMAN CATTLE (2017)
“Three sexy teenagers take a fun-filled trip out to the Amazon for an exciting getaway filled with seductive pleasures and forbidden desires. Failing to hear the canoe tour guide’s warnings about the evils that lurk in the Jungle, they will now have to fight for survival against trigger-happy bounty hunters, blood-thirsty cannibals and massive flesh-eating monsters.”

Great title. It really says a lot without having to. Kinda like a freshly opened bottle of an adult beverage. Speaks volumes, I tell you. As for the movie, I don’t know that the Amazon is full of “seductive pleasures” and “forbidden desires” unless you count monkey butlers and those “Girls of Peru” swimsuit calendars. But when they’re telling me it has massive flesh-eating monsters, I’m on Expedia.com booking my next vacation there.

SCRAPS (2017)
“After a successful date, Jessica and Billy decide they don’t want the evening to end just yet, and agree to head back to Billy’s for a nightcap. On their walk they run into danger, but who really is the threat when the truth is revealed.”

Hard to tell what kind of horror movie Scraps is. The title possibly suggests cannibal action. Or one of ‘em turns into a werewolf and turns a non-werewolf into “scraps.” Or maybe none of the above. Guess I’ll just have to wait for some other horror movie site to spoil it (looking in your direction everybody but me).

STEPHANIE (2017/2018)
“Abandoned by her parents in their remote home, Stephanie survives on peanut butter and conversations with her toy turtle, while a dark supernatural force looms in the background. When her mother and father return to claim her, the malevolent power spins out of control with Stephanie at the center.”

The only reason the dark supernatural force is going crazy is because it’s been baby-sitting Stephanie and not getting paid. I’m siding with the dark supernatural force on this one. Baby-sitting is a tough gig, especially if you have to watch the kid instead of the TV.