Chinese Spider-Men, Canadian Zombies, Norway Mutants

Been endlessly fascinated by foreign country poster versions of U.S. made movies, in particular, horror/sci-fi/fantasy/bromance comedies. Came across three Spider-Man: Homecoming key art renditions made in China. Pretty funny stuff, especially the one of Spider-Man riding a horse. I don’t know why, but that cracks me up. Got me thinking — wonder if there’s a foreign movie poster of, say, Iron Man pulling a rikshaw through downtown Thailand?

Whilst I go rummaging through the Internet to find one, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with plain old boring graphics…

DEMENTIA 13 (October 6, 2017/Limited — October 10/VOD)
“An old-money family is still dealing with the death of its youngest daughter several years later. While honoring the daughter’s death, a long con, an ax-wielding serial killer, and a vengeful ghost all coalesce in the same night to target the family. Everyone in the family has a secret, nobody wants to face what they did, and for someone to survive, the truth needs to come out — sooner than later.”

This is a re-boot of 1963’s Dementia 13. The actors in the new one are probably wearing more modern footwear, though. Always loved the title. I personally got through the first 12 steps of dementia, but never quite made it one more step. Probably should go on another bender to open that door.

LES AFFAMÉS (2017/2018)
In a small, remote village in upstate Quebec, things have changed. Locals are not the same anymore — their bodies are breaking down and they developed an outlandish attraction for flesh.

A French-Canadian zombie movie. Wonder if the flesh tastes like back bacon? I consulted the Big Book of Word Barf (i.e., Google Translate™) to get the English pronounceable version: The Hungry. Meh.

THELMA (November 10, 2017)
“A college student starts to experience extreme seizures while studying at a university in Oslo, Norway. As it becomes clearer that the seizures are a symptom of inexplicable, often dangerous, supernatural abilities, Thelma is confronted with tragic secrets of her past, and the terrifying implications of her powers.

Sounds like Carrie Goes To College. I wonder if her condition is from eating seizure salads in the school lunch room?

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (January 5, 2018)
“Dr. Elise Rainier, the brilliant parapsychologist, faces her most fearsome and personal haunting yet: in her own family home.”

I watched the first three Insidious movies, so guess I’ll have to watch this one, too, just to see how they tie things up. As demonic possession ghost stories go, though, they’re all quite bland, or “meh.”

Vampires and Octopuses

A smattering of new horror movies to fulfill your innermost dreams and desires. Note: Smattering means “a small amount of something.” Use this knowledge wisely.

12 DEADLY DAYS (December 12, 2016)
“YouTube™ and Blumhouse Television™ are partnering on a new half hour horror-comedy series called 12 Deadly Days, which is set in the cursed town of Saturn during the twelve days leading up to Christmas.”

Save your bitcoins — this one’s free to view on YouTube™, the world’s video landfill. And if you’re wondering where the town of Saturn is, it’s just down the road from Uranus. Man, that joke never gets old.

CITY OF DEAD MEN (December 16, 2016)
“An American tourist arrives in Colombia, where he discovers he’s run completely out of money. Desperate for a quick fix to the problem, he meets a young girl, who introduces him to a group of misfits and their mysterious leader, who live in an abandoned psychiatric hospital. At first accepting their friendship and shelter, it soon becomes clear something terrible happened in the hospital. The group living there now only feel immortal, pulling Michael into a dangerous dynamic that might kill him.”

Guess if I ran out of money I’d shack up in and abandoned psychiatric hospital, too. There’s worse things in the world — like people using abandoned psychiatric hospital toilets that don’t flush.

THE BYE BYE MAN (January 13, 2017)
“Set in 1990s Wisconsin, three college students move into an old, off-campus house where they find themselves preyed on by a malevolent supernatural entity called The Bye Bye Man. They must find a way to save themselves while keeping the whole thing secret to protect anyone else from becoming the entity’s next victim.”

Geez, all they have to do is move out of the house. College students are so dumb.

THE CREATURE BELOW (February 28, 2017)
“During a traumatic accident on a deep-sea dive, Olive, a gifted, young marine biologist discovers an unearthly creature. Plagued by gruesome nightmares, her fractured memories of what happened during the accident in the depths of the ocean begin to unravel, revealing her symbiotic bond with an eldritch horror far older and more malevolent than she could possibly imagine, one which drives her to carry out its sinister will, with deadly results for those around her.”

Eldritch horror. Sounds like the monster is a Kraken. Wikipedia™ says Kraken is the German word for octopus. Google Translate™ says it’s Tintenfisch. I don’t know which digital overlord to believe, so I’ll just go with human-eating multi-legged creature. A bit wordy, but it gets to the point.

THE NIGHT WATCHMEN (2017)
“Three inept night watchmen, aided by a young rookie and a fearless tabloid journalist, fight an epic battle to save their lives. A mistaken warehouse delivery unleashes a horde of hungry vampires, and these unlikely heroes must not only save themselves but also stop the scourge that threatens to take over the city of Baltimore.”

Vampires in Baltimore. Fine. Just keep ‘em out of my town. Don’t need anymore of those pesky things moving in to the neighborhood. Werewolves are okay, though. Just as long as they keep a Pooper Scooper™ handy.

The Horror of Turkish Horror

When one thinks of Turkey (the country, not the tasty Thanksgiving day featured attraction) – whose food staples include yogurt salads, fish in olive oil, and stuffed and wrapped vegetables – you don’t think of cutting edge and taboo-free horror movies. But you should.

One of the biggest horror hits ever from that country with an annual precipitation averages about 15 inches is Siccin (pronounced “Sich-in”), released in 2014 (available for $31.82 on Amazon.com). To say it was acimasiz (“brutal” in Turkish), is an understatement. Here’s the arsa (plot)…

“Öznur is a young and beautiful woman. She has had a platonic love since childhood to Kudret, who is her cousin. Kudret, however, is married to a woman named Nisa and is very happy. Jealous, Öznur uses terrible black magic to change this so that she and Kudret will be together. However, she is not prepared for the evil that this spell unleashes.”

Again, an understatement. The evil stuff is unflinchingly graphic and double nasty. So it made sense they would follow it up with Siccin 2: Every Living Thing Will Taste Death in 2015:

“Sweetly is in love with his cousin since childhood has become Might obsession. Might be married to Nisa’s mind is blocked for a while, he has been happily married since Kudret final decision. Succumbing to passion Sweetly looks larger land to achieve a solution on behalf of prohibited sake. Nisa demons haunting the spell. After five Isha prayers by Talisman Nisa and death will meet with his blood.”

Okay, clunky description (thanks for nothing, Google Translate™). The cousin love theme notwithstanding, more crazy sick demons (ramped up from Siccin) and free-flowing kovalars (buckets) of human juice.

Again, a mega hit. But like Turkey’s bankable weather (summers are consistently hot and dry, with temperatures often above 86 °F), Siccin 3: Curmi Love, a second sequel, has been announced, releasing in Turkish theaters on September 2nd, 2016. (You can book a flight there on any of Turkey’s 98 airports, including 22 international airports.) And as hardcore horror goes, Siccin 3 raises the bar even higher. First, the plot (arsa):

“After a terrible car accident, Sedat will do anything to save a childhood friend – even if it means dealing with demons and ghosts.”

Doesn’t quite sell it. But when you watch the trailer and get a taste of the press pics, you will indeed bok your pants. (Hoping you figure out what “bok” means.) A flight/hotel to Turkey on Expedia.com™ goes for an affordable $992.00. Siccin – money well spent.