Legendary Lagoon, Medical Mayhem, Deathless Drink

Sad to report the passing of Ricou Browning (February 16, 1930 – February 28, 2023), better known as the creature in Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954, filmed in 3D), one of the greatest monsters and monster movies of all time. So much so, the Gill-Man joined the Universal Monster Hall of Fame alongside Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man and The Mummy. (The Invisible Man wasn’t included because he was nowhere to be found.) Rico reprised his fishy role by returning for the sequels Revenge of the Creature (1955) and The Creature Walks Among Us (1956). 

Playing the iconic Gill-Man was just one of Rico’s many water-enhanced talents. He created the 1963 TV series Flipper and directed 37 episodes, worked as a stunt man on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954), played all the bad guys in Sea Hunt (1958 – 1961), directed the harpoon-filled fight in the James Bond movie Thunderball (1965) and the Jaws-inspired candy bar-in-the-pool sequence in Caddyshack (1980). He was even a stand-in for Johnny Weissmuller on Tarzan films. Pretty much the coolest resume ever.

In a 2013 interview, Sir Browning talked about his role in Creature From The Black Lagoon: “I filmed my scenes in wintertime and it was pretty cold. The crew felt sorry for me, so somebody said, ‘How would you like a shot of brandy?’ I said, ‘Sure!’ Pretty soon they were dealing with a drunk creature.” Browning also said his legendary costume was cumbersome at first. ‘When I first put it on, it seemed awkward and clumsy. But once I got into the movie, I forgot I had it on. I became the creature.’”

While we go back and re-watch all the Creature movies and marvel at how Ricou could easily hold his breath for four minutes at a time, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as expertly directed as the candy-bar-in-the-pool scene in Caddyshack…

DEAD RINGERS / April 21, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“In this series, Rachel Weisz plays the dual roles of Elliot and Beverly Mantle, “twins who share everything: drugs, lovers, and an unapologetic desire to do whatever it takes — including pushing the boundaries of medical ethics — in an effort to challenge antiquated practices and bring women’s health care to the forefront.”

The original Dead Ringers came out in 1988, with the dual doc role being handled by Jeremy Irons, Batman’s butler in Justice League (2017/2021). Not sure why he gave up being a gynecologist with the best seat in the house to polish Batman’s batarang.

THE BURNED OVER DISTRICT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving man discovers that the seemingly quiet town is hiding a very terrifying secret. Now he must find a way to overcome his grief and fight back against the darkness that has consumed the town and its people.”

Wonder what the man could be grieving about? Maybe because the town shared its terrifying secret with everybody but him. If my town did that to me, I’d be griefing all over the place

DIVINITY Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence where the creation of a groundbreaking immortality serum named Divinity is wreaking havoc. Jaxxon Pierce, the creator’s son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream, and society on the barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug. However, when two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, everyone will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Divinity is a dumb name for an immortality serum. You’d get far more marketing zing if they named it Sir Lives-a-Lot or No Time To Die or Deathus Interruptus or To Be Continued or…

POV / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A suburban couple attempt to survive a home invasion on the most dangerous night of the year.”

If your home is being invaded, doesn’t that qualify as the most dangerous night of the year? A possible exception might be if you lived at the foot of an annually erupting volcano filled with lava bees. Or Christmas.

Foul Fowl, Butcher Brood, Blood-Sucking Satire

Dracula has a dog and hangs out with all manner of icky bugs. So why not a bird as a new addition to his monstrous menagerie? Sure, he can change into a bat and flap around town. But if Drac had a bird, they could it together. This is why Pesquet’s Parrot — also known as the Dracula Parrot — would be a splendid choice for a feathered fiend friend as it looks pure evil and could peck out your disbelieving eyes with its beak of doom.

Dracula Parrots are short-tailed, 20 inches in length, and can only be found in the mountains of New Guinea, which is 5,064.6 miles from Transylvania, where Dracula hangs his cape. Maybe Drac-o could spring for a bus ticket to get this bird since Amazon Prime™ doesn’t ship to either location. (I wonder if Amazon™ ships to the Amazon? I’ll do some research.)

So while we go to 7-Eleven™ to purchase an exotic bird, beak polish and maybe some gum, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need a cage liner…

THE PARK / March 2, 2023 (VOD)

“When a mysterious virus starts killing all adults, society is left to be governed by children living on borrowed time. After the adult population is wiped out, rival kids battle for control of an abandoned theme park. Danger lurks around every corner, and they must do whatever it takes to survive their hellish Neverland.”

Mysterious virus, my eye — the adults killed themselves. Why? You’ve seen their kids…

UNSEEN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

Two women form an unlikely connection when a depressed gas station clerk Sam, receives a call from Emily, a nearly blind woman who is running from her murderous ex in the woods. Emily must survive the ordeal with Sam being her eyes from afar using video call.”

How could you be depressed working as a gas station clerk? You get to meet lots of eccentric customers, have unfettered access to all varieties of flavorful gum, and huff as much gas fumes as want.

INFLUENCER / Spring 2023 (Shudder™)

“Madison, a popular social media influencer who is having a lonely and uneventful trip in Thailand despite what she tells her followers on Instagram. While reflecting on her boyfriend canceling the trip, she meets CW, a fearless and enigmatic traveler who offers to take her to some of the most Instagram-worthy locations. Together they share authentic meals and drinks with locals, discussing the differences between Madison’s online presence and CW’s lack of one. After showing Madison all of the amazing sights, things take a different turn when CW brings her to a surprise location — a deserted island that is completely off the grid.”

Yeah, no.

DON’T SUCK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A veteran comedian’s last chance at stardom takes him on the road with a young comic whom reveals an unexpected past.”

The young comic is a vampire. He better not suck at his job. And yet he better suck at his job.

Monsters Undressed, Moon UFOs, House Ghost

As promised in a previous bloggedy-blog, here’s more of Canadian designer Phil Postma’s creative art, this time turning the Bride of Frankenstein into a gas station pin-up calendar cutie.

Phil monster-mashed The Bride with Wolf-Man, Dracula, Creature From The Black Lagoon and even her primary care provider, Victor Frankenstein, achieving pant-tingling results. Makes you wish he’d make these billboard-sized or at least a print that could be held up with one hand.

In The Bride of Frankenstein (1935), the reanimated gal throws a hissy-fit when her prearranged pairing with Frankenstein’s monster didn’t go as planned. This scenario gave birth to not only girl Goth, but speed-dating as well.

While we beg Phil to do 100 more monster pin-ups, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a gas station… 

REBROKEN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Will is a devastated father who spends his time between court-ordered grief counseling drinking himself into oblivion. He repeats the cycle of despair every day with no plans to stop, until he meets a mysterious stranger who gives him some old vinyl recordings. After Will listens to the records, he suddenly starts receiving messages from his recently deceased daughter. As the communications from his daughter grow more and more frequent, Will becomes convinced that these recordings hold the answer to bring his daughter back from the dead.”

If the deceased daughter tours in support of her album, I would like front row tickets.

SECRET SPACE UFOs: APOLLO 1-11 / April, 2023 (VOD)

“The UFO phenomenon has been recorded far beyond the boundaries of Earth with hundreds of sightings during the Apollo missions 1-11. James Fox, Darcy Weir, Mike Bara and Richard Dolan discuss this hidden history of UFOs in space and structures on the Moon. A history of NASA’s early Apollo missions as astronauts endeavor to set foot on the Moon and go further in space than any man has before.”

Of course aliens live on the Moon, as evidenced by the “Stay Off The Lawn” signs intended for trespassing astronauts.

DIVINITY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence, scientist Sterling Pierce dedicated his life to the quest for immortality, slowly creating the building blocks of a groundbreaking serum named Divinity. Jaxxon Pierce, his son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream. Society on this barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug, whose true origins are shrouded in mystery. Two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul, and with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, they will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Never understood the appeal of immortality. Paying never-ending taxes would suck big time.

THE UNDERBUG / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As India is ravaged by sectarian violence on the eve of its Independence Day, two rioters take refuge in an abandoned house. An eerie presence in the house, however, haunts the men to the edge of sanity.”

Eerie presence is just a fancy term for supernatural squatter. They can all share the house as long as everybody labels their food in the fridge and shares in doing the dishes and taking out the recycling.

Classic Horror Reimagined, Hot-Rodded Earth, Murder Church

Phil Postma is freelance designer living in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. You may have heard of that place. But you may not have heard about Phil, who is distinctively one of the more unique illustrators/animators on the face of Planet Canadia.

His character reimagining of classic Universal monster movie ad sheets is nothing short of ingenious. Dracula, The Wolf-Man, The Bride of Frankenstein, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Mummy, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Invisible Man… And Phil doesn’t stop there. He’s designed a colorful and killer line of horror/sci-fi movie graphic t-shirts. If you go to Phil’s blogspot (right here), plan on happily spending a lot of time/money perusing the seemingly endless designs, art and and products. And yes, I’ll be showcasing more of his work on this very blog-o-sphere.  

From Phil’s Minion Factory website: “I have been a character designer for over 20 years in TV animation. My work can be seen on such shows as Flash Gordon, The Mask: Animated Series, The Ripping Friends, Freaky Stories, Undergrads, King, Gerald McBoing Boing, World of Quest, and The Cat In The Hat Knows A Lot About That. I Currently do freelance design on various projects.”

While you throw out all your clothes and replace ‘em with Phil’s monster fashions (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be allowed in Canada…

SNOW ANGEL / January 20, 2023 (VOD)

“In the aftermath of a fatal accident in a snowy village at the eastern tip of Quebec, a screwed-up ex-pro snowboarder decides to pack up her cabin and leave town for good. But someone — or something — seems intent on stopping her.”

The eastern tip of Quebec is within “shreddin’ the gnar” distance of New Brunswick, which I hear is the birthplace of the bowling ball.

THE WANDERING EARTH II / January, 22, 2023 (VOD)

“Humans built huge engines on the surface of the Earth to find a new home. But the road to the Universe is perilous. In order to save Earth, young people once again have to step forward to start a race against time for life and death.”

2019’s The Wandering Earth was a visual knockout punch to the eyeballs, in which overachieving Earthers built giant planet thrusters to move Earth to a new star system. Why? Because the sun was dying. Duh. So if your space car ever breaks down, you wanna get it fixed by these guys.

CONSECRATION / February 10, 2023 (VOD)

“After the suspicious death of her brother, a priest, Grace goes to the Mount Saviour Convent in Scotland to find out what really happened. Once there, she uncovers murder, sacrilege, and a disturbing truth about her own past.”

Murder, sacrilege, disturbing truths… When did church start getting fun?

BENEATH US ALL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“ A foster child, Julie is heading for her 18th birthday when she finds something buried with something unspeakable inside.”

Sounds like somebody crept in the crypt, crapped and crept out.

Godzilla Sells Out, Kissable Demon Hunter, Earth vs. Hell

You snooze, you lose. That’s the sum yield of one’s non-diligence when shopping on the MondoShop.com website, containing one-of-a-kind original horror/sci-fi/movie art designed by some of the best illustrators in every zip code. No sooner than Mondo posts the art, they’ve sold out within minutes. If you’re an impulse-buyer, timing is everything.

Poster art of Godzilla, Wolf-Man, Bride of Frankenstein, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Alien, Dracula, Phantom of the Opera, Mummy, RoboCop, Dirty Harry (when you think about it, RoboCop and Dirty Harry are kinda the same thing)… The list goes on and on and shopping for ‘em MondoShop.com is a frustrating experience because all the art is immediately sold out. You’ll need to drink an adult beverage to placate your inner shopper.

But there’s a solution — sign up for their free newsletter, which tells you exactly what the upcoming art is and when it goes on sale. All are surprisingly affordable for being limited edition ($50 — $400). And know that Mondo sells more than posters — there’s limited edition curated horror movie soundtrack colored vinyl albums, toys, puzzles, CDs, board games, books, tiki mugs and more. But unless you visit their website EVERY DAY, you can’t get in on this action unless you sign up for a heads up. Do that here.

While you’re drowning your sorrow in refreshing adult beverages for missing out on the She-Ra 1/6 Scale Figure, here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies that may or may not sell or sell out… 

THE DEMON HUNTER’S ROMANCE / Out now (iQIYI)

“In the prosperous city of Guangping, humans and demons coexist. Demons are skilled at disguising themselves as humans. Ban Xia the daughter of a wealthy family, has a pair of strange eyes and can often see the shadows of those who are not there. Ban Xia reveals her cousin’s sister-in-law is a demon, which led her to be hunted down by demon-hunter, Xuan Ye. The gentle kiss he gives to Ban Xia made her thoroughly see the world where humans and demons coexist.”

Nobody likes a snitch.

LOCKDOWN TOWER / February 8, 2023 (France), 2023/2024 (US)

“The inhabitants of a tower block wake up one morning to find a black veil shrouding all the windows and doors of the building — a veil which devours anything and anyone who tries to go through it. Stuck inside together families organize themselves, but time passes and nothing changes. They gradually return to their most primitive instincts and now respond to a single watchword: survival.”

Did they film a movie about my apartment building without me knowing it?

THEY WAIT IN THE DARK / February 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Amy, a young woman is on the run with her young son Adrian from her abusive ex-girlfriend. When the past rises up to haunt them, they must confront the forces threatening them from both outside and in.”

Another bland movie with a bland plot and bland description. None of what they’re describing compels one to invest valuable couch time to watch it. They can keep waiting in the dark.

THORNS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An ex-priest working for NASA is sent to investigate a remote observatory that went silent after receiving a radio signal from deep space. Upon arrival, he discovers the signal has set in motion the biblical end of times. The former priest must now summon his lost faith to stop the signal from spreading hell on Earth.”

Jesus on his ham radio again, punking the godless Universe.

The Whoosh, Demon Rental Agreement, Dracula’s Butler

The Flash premiered in North America on October 7, 2014, where the pilot became the second-most watched premiere in the history of The CW, after The Vampire Diaries in 2009. Now, nine seasons later, The Flash is ending its run (heh), starting on February 8, 2023. Sorry to see it go as I’ve watched every episode since the beginning. For that, you’d think Flash would pose for a selfie with me or sign something I could sell on eBay™, but no. (Never meet your heroes.)

The Flash has gone up against some tough cookies during that time — King Shark, Captain Cold, The Thinker, Grodd, Anti-Monitor, his wife… But in order to give Flash a run for his money, the show featured over a dozen characters who could also scoot boot, including Reverse-Flash, Flashpoint Reverse-Flash, Kid Flash, Jay Garrick/Flash Earth-3, Nazi Flash, Barry Allen Earth-1, Zoom, Black Flash, Trajectory, Jesse Quick, Godspeed, Savitar, Speed Force, Velocity… Some cool names, some dumb names, and a lot of super silly costumes.

Even Flash’s wife Iris had speedster abilities for one episode. And his time-traveling future kids Bart (Kid Flash, Impulse, White Flash) and Norah (XS) inherited their dad’s ability to run to the store and back before the TV commercials were over. As a bonus, Flash and Green Arrow woke up one day with each other’s abilities. (The Flash with Green Arrow’s trademark 5 o’clock shadow looked…uncomfortable.)

So while we say goodbye to one of the better superhero TV series ever made, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you the runs…

DAWN BREAKS BEHIND THE EYES / January 8, 2023 (Shudder™)

“Dieter and Margot Menliff, in an unhappy marriage, visit an old castle that Margot has just inherited. When they arrive, Dieter explores the basement, while Margot examines the rest of the castle. Dieter sees something in the cellar that causes him to drop his keys and flee. Margot has a vision in a dusty mirror.”

This one was released in Germany back in the germ-y days of 2021. Sounds really scary if something in the cellar makes you drop your keys. It’d give me flees, too.

SORRY ABOUT THE DEMON / January 19, 2023 (Shudder™)

“After being dumped by his girlfriend Amy, broken hearted Will is offered a massive house at a very low rent. What’s the catch? The restless spirit haunting the place needs a human sacrifice and the prior owners must find one or else their young daughter is toast.”

A human sacrifice in place of a damage deposit? Sounds reasonable.

FAMILY DINNER / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“An overweight teenager spends the holidays at her aunt’s farm in the hope of getting help to lose weight, but soon after her arrival, she begins to suspect that something is very wrong at this place.”

She discovers there are no Dunkin’ Donuts™ in that zip code. Horrifying.

RENFIELD / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

“R.M. Renfield was an inmate at a lunatic asylum who was thought to be suffering from delusions but actually is a servant of Dracula. Renfield has been serving the bloodsucker for centuries, and now he has grown sick and tired of his role as Dracula’s lackey. The henchman finds a new lease on life and maybe even redemption when he falls for feisty, perennially angry traffic cop, Rebecca Quincy.”

Not seeing a downside to having Dracula as your employer. First, you could talk to him any time you want. You’d never have to do the dishes and can eat all the bugs you want…for free. Score!

Alien Disco Lights, Vampire Mom, Psycho Family Unit

The truth is finally here — we now have stunning photographic evidence of aliens party-crashing Earth. Submitted by Dar Tanner of TeamTanner: Aurora Weather Chasers, these stunning pictograms are proof we’re not alone.

Or are we? The colorful, otherworldly lights may not be of extraterrestrial origin, but possibly from this stupid planet’s stupid weather. “They’re light pillars,” according to the National Weather Service. “And they materialize when temperatures near single digits and the air is full of ice.”

The National Weather Service is full of something — but it’s not ice. Clearly, this light show is courtesy of an intelligent source that’s as intelligent as this blog. In your face, NWS.

So while we continue to keep watching the skies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be kicked in the ice hole…

BLOOD / January 12, 2023 (VOD)

“Jess, a separated mother and nurse, moves with her daughter and young son Owen back into her old farmhouse. Shortly after settling in, Owen is bitten by the family dog, resulting in a mysterious infection from the bite. When Jess discovers a disturbing cure, she is tested on how far she’s willing to go to save her child.”

Her boy is now a vampire, thanks to a chomp from Dracula’s dog. Mom already knows what the “cure” is, which means they’re having stake for dinner. Heh.

DAUGHTER / February 10, 2023 (Limited theater/VOD)

“A young woman is inducted into a bizarre family as their new surrogate daughter. As she navigates through this twisted dynamic, awful secrets about the past are revealed, leading to even darker implications about the future.”

Sounds like I have a new sister. 

THE FLASH / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“The Flash travels back in time to prevent the murder of his mother, an act which significantly disrupts time.”

Sir Trots Alot already did that in the TV series The Flash (CW), and made all his super friends super mad at him. The fastest man alive wasn’t able to outrun that well-deserved frowning of a lifetime.

#NO_FILTER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the #1 social influencer at her high school, Anna is still discovering the advantages and drawbacks of this new status. Home alone, she’s determined to gain as many followers as possible but when the line between real and virtual is getting blurry, the night becomes bloody.”

Social media horror is an oxymoron. And anyone striving to be an “influencer” is just a moron.

DYI Mad Scientist, Robot Animals, Worshiping Werewolves

Ever wanted to be a mad scientist but couldn’t find a lab coat on Amazon.com? Now you can live out your experimental aspirations with My Father’s Work, an extensive, intricately designed and app-driven board game from Renegade Games™. Your delirium-inducing Checkers game has just been shown the door. 

From Renegade Games description: “My Father’s Work allows two to four players to experience life through the eyes of three generations of mad scientists as they strive to complete a unique masterwork, such as “The Creature”, “Lycanthropic Strength”, “Love Potion”, “Immortality”… even “A Time Machine”, among others. To do so, they’ll have to further their scientific studies and experiments with lesser pursuits that will lead to more grandiose discoveries.”

If that wasn’t enough to make you shell out $125 for the game, there’s more: “Mechanically, My Father’s Work is a euro-style “worker placement” game, but one with a massive amount of theme and narrative heaped upon it. The game’s designer, T.C. Petty III, confirmed what inspired him. “Yes, 100% for the classic cast of Universal Monsters and Hammer Films with Christopher Lee’s iconic Dracula. The aesthetic leans very hard on classic, early horror film tropes: Gothic mansion on the hill, lightning strikes, howling wolves, over-the-top horror logo, unnatural noir lighting – the works.”

Of course there’s way more to My Father’s Work than that. Go to their website and see for yourself. After you do that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you give up playing Checkers…

TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE BEASTS / June, 2023 (Theaters)

In 1994, a pair of archaeologists from Brooklyn come into an ancient conflict through a globe-trotting adventure that ties in with three factions of Transformers: the Maximals, the Predacons and the Terrorcons battling robotic animals.

Pffft — Mecha-Kong was a robotic animal in 1967 — way before all these ultra-crappy Transformer sequels.

WEREWOLF CABAL / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“An American author travels to a small rural town in the UK to collect an inheritance after his estranged mother dies. During his stay, he uncovers a cabal that worship Lycanthrope.”

Worshiping the Lycanthrope goes back as far as 1985. Specifically, Silver Bullet, where the local preacher was a werewolf. If you didn’t pray, you became prey. Heh.

THE FLOOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A daring jail break during a dangerous storm is interrupted by hungry alligators.”

Alligators in prison. They should be, what with all their racist smack talk against crocodiles.

BRIGHTWOOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A couple on the verge of divorce find themselves mysteriously trapped while on a run around a pond.”

If I was on the verge of divorce, I wouldn’t run around a pond. I’d run to a bar — to celebrate.

The Artistry of Horror, Dracula’s Cousin, Ghost Sex

People imbued with the power of being able to read, and specifically this blog, know I’m a huge fan of horror movie poster art and the infinity more talented than me artists who design them. While many horror movie ad sheets are created in Photoshop (I learned PS in order to put my head on Chippendale™ dancer’s bodies), the best ones are hand-illustrated and often better than the movies themselves.

Here’s a select batch of some truly dazzling and ingenious takes on horror/sci-fi movies and links (click the artist names) to view some amazing portfolios. The Nope poster above was illustrated by Gilbert Posters (no relation, but that doesn’t stop me from implying credit during Happy Hour gatherings). The art for Smile was done by the insanely talented Nuno Sarnadas (who also did the posters for Prey and Aliens below).

Keith Goulette designed the wicked Black Phone art and you can find him swimming happily among a sea of other talented designers one redbubble.com. (Click his name to explore a whole new world of visual horror). Jack Gregory did the jaw-dropping Evil Dead art, as well as the freakishly beautiful art for Dawn of the Dead and Halloween Ends (click to see his portfolio). The It poster, which should’ve been used by the movie studio, was designed by Jorge Teles, who also did numerous takes on Batman.

While we’re not worthy and should throw away our design tools (for me it’s crayons, felt pen laundry markers, Etch A Sketch™), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not need new cover art done with laundry markers…

THE CURSE OF DRACULA / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“Two small-time crooks scam tourists by organizing a guided tour of a creepy manor house rumored to be haunted by the cousin of Count Dracula. Their first group consist of a Swedish Satanist, two French Goths and a Russian porn director. But the tour descends into bloody chaos when they are confronted by a mysterious phantom wielding a circular saw.”

Dracula has a cousin? The Swedish are Satanists? The French are Goths? Russians are into porn? What kind of world did I just wake up in? Guess I’ll have to start hanging out with normal people, like that ghost guy with the gasoline-powered power tool. He seems cool.

AMITYVILLE THANKSGIVING / Out now (VOD)

“Jackie and Danny’s marriage has taken a turn for the worst. They turn to what they believe to be their only option, Amityville Couples Counselor Frank Domonico, a doctor with a hidden, sinister past, who recommends an isolated cabin retreat. Little do they know that the doctor plans to end their sessions, as well as their lives, with a devilish Thanksgiving dinner — and them as the main course!

So they’re gonna eat the unhappy, fighting married couple. Bet they’ll taste bitter. Heh. They can be washed down with Annulment Ale, though. That should make everyone very…hoppy.

PARASENSE: THE NAKED EXPERIMENTS / Out now (VOD)

“Paranormal veteran, Ross Allison, focuses his attention on the physical aspects of being touched by a ghost. His struggle to prove these phenomena takes a crucial turn when a real scientist and inventor, Chad Goodwin, joins his team as they take naked subjects into the most haunted sites known for supernatural physical contact.”

The best part about having intimate relations with a poltergeist is you can ghost ’em afterward. 

EXORCIST BLOODLINE / Out now (VOD)

“After moving back into her childhood home, a young woman is possessed by a depraved evil spirit masquerading as her dead mother and must battle to save her mind, body and soul.”

For some of us, it’d be hard to differentiate between a depraved evil spirit and a deceased mom. Not me, though. My mom rocks. (Had to say that, as she reads this blog, and I don’t want to be sent to my room…YET AGAIN.)

Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds.