Archive for Satan

Staged Evil, Shamed Werewolves, Flesh-Eating Spiders

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Exorcist

With the Catholic church constantly sweeping demonic possession under those “authentic” Shroud of Turin throw rugs they sell in church gift shops, it’s a rare treat to see a live person turned into swear jar cursing, green liquid spewing vessel for Satan. Outside of The Poggie Tavern, of course.

The ExorcistWith the stage adaptation of The Exorcist now playing in London at the Phoenix Theatre (lucky buggers), you get to see all of that and more for the mere pittance of anywhere from £15.00 to £75.00 plus £3.50 transaction fee. (In U.S. Benjamins: $11.47 – probably nosebleed seating to $57.37 – show-off). The transaction fee in U.S. is $2.68. Heck, you could buy a small statuette of the Devil stamped with “I’m Totally Evil” in the church gift shop for that amount. (FYI — they don’t float in the bathtub.)

The Exorcist

From the press release: “After spawning five films and a television series on FOX, William Peter Blatty’s The Exorcist is now a stage adaptation at the UK’s Phoenix Theatre, playing October 26, 2017 through March 10, 2018. Unleashed onto the West End stage for the very first time, the play is ‘a uniquely theatrical experience’ directed by award-winning film and theatre director, Sean Mathias.”

“A uniquely theatrical experience” means the first three rows are gonna get wet.

For those of us who have more pounds than £s, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth sitting in the first three rows for…

Blood Bound

BLOOD BOUND (2018)
“Bound to an ancient pact, a family of unlimited power descend upon a small rural town to sacrifice four human lives, one being a member of their own family.”

My first thought was vampires. But the same plot can be applied to any family Thanksgiving dinner.

A Hole In The Ground

A HOLE IN THE GROUND (2018)
“A young single mother is trapped between rationality and the unexplained as she becomes convinced her little boy has been transformed by something sinister from the depths of a mysterious sinkhole.”

Recalls Jug Face (2013). The storyline to that plot boiler is a jaw dropper: “Pregnant with her brother’s child, a teen tries to escape from her backwoods community after learning that she is to be sacrificed to a creature that lives in a deep pit.” There are so many things wrong with that sentence. For instance, “backwoods community”? That seems so condescending.

Slice

SLICE (2018)
“When a pizza delivery driver is murdered on the job, the city searches for someone to blame. Ghosts? Drug dealers? A disgraced werewolf?”

Kinda makes you wonder what disgraced the werewolf. Did he run past a fire hydrant without sniffing and/or peeing on it? Did he shave? Is he a vegetarian? If one or more, the death penalty would be too lenient.

Guardians of the Tomb

GUARDIANS OF THE TOMB (2018)
“A team of scientists, who while making the discovery of the century, lose a colleague in an ancient labyrinth. The group must battle their way through a swarm of deadly, man-eating funnel web spiders and discover the secret behind the arachnids’ power and intelligence — before it’s too late.”

There’s an alternate title for this one: Nest 3D. That would only work if it had words like “Giant Garbage”, “Giant Mutant Cow” or Giant Money” before the word “Nest.” Still, they reeled me in with “man-eating funnel web spiders.” That’s the kind of term you only hear in discount restaurant kitchens.

Soulless Hamburgers, Evil Churches, Infected Farmers

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burger King Halloween

I usually don’t get gooned out by stuff I’ve seen in movies. But in real life, stand back — barf-o-rama. In this case, the spew-inducing instigator is the new black Halloween hamburgers from McDonald’s™ and Burger King™ in Japan. The Mickey D’s hockey pucks have squid ink dyed hamburger buns. Whereas the Burger King buns sport not only a charcoal-esque pallor but black cheese as well. I just felt my throat contract.

McDonald's Halloween

Japan’s squid ink burger will set you back 370 yen, which translates to $3.40 U.S. bit coins/paper route money. This does not include tar milkshakes or burnt shoestring fries.

Burger King Halloween

The Burger KingBlack Ninja Burger actually has two spin-offs (or “sequels”): the Kuro Diamond and Kuro Pearl, which feature not just black buns, but slices of cheese and a tangy sauce that look dark enough to come from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

Both hell-spawn sandwiches are available now if you live in Japan. For those of us not adventurous enough to stick one of those things in our collective black holes, will just have to settle for these just released and upcoming (and hopefully digestible) horror and sci-fi movies…

Scaler, Dark Spirit

SCALER, DARK SPIRIT (available now/VOD)
“A paranormal researcher is given video footage that reveals clues to an ancient evil residing in catacombs beneath the old city church.”

Reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness (1987), wherein a college theoretic physics team and professor with one squint-y eye investigates a sentient, swirly green liquid in a large glass mayonnaise jar in the basement of an old Catholic church. It turns out to be wet Satan, but those with a degree at first deduce it to be a septic tank for the church’s unholy leavings. Close.

Trauma

TRAUMA (2017)
“Four friends visit a rural locality of Chile, are brutally attacked by a man and his son. After not finding help in the town, they decide to confront these men with the help of a pair of policemen. But in this way, they will discover that their attackers have in their blood the direct legacy of the darkest period of Chilean history and will have to face the most brutal enemy.”

Try not to confuse this Trauma with about, oh, a dozen other movies with the same title, dating back to the ancient days of 1993. So you can watch this and have a bowl of Chile. Or not watch it and have a bowl of chili. Without beans.

3 Hours Till Dead

3 HOURS TILL DEAD (available now/VOD)
“An AWOL soldier with PTSD goes into hiding along with his brother and a few friends. They retreat into a rural farm area unaware that the outside world has ceased to function. On their way back to civilization, his brother is attacked by an infected farmer. He quickly morphs into a rabid animal and lives for exactly three hours. Realizing they are in grave danger, they head back to the forest trying to outlive the legions of the infected.”

This may have come out in the year 2016 on some sort of physical media, but these are things I know not of which I speak. That spoken, the be attacked by an infected, rabid farmer is not new. With all the chicken/cow/pig/horse dropping farmers get on their hands and then rub their eyes (probably due to hay fever), it’s a wonder we’re all not infected from the farm food those guys handle without using convenient moist towelettes and anti-bacterial soap from a push button dispenser. Still, a zombie farmer — that’s kinda neat.

Dead Body

DEAD BODY (2018)
“Several friends decide to celebrate their high school graduation at a lake house in the woods. One of the classmates recommends that they play the old-fashioned game of Dead Body. In the game, one player is ‘the body,’ one player is ‘the killer’ and all of the other players try to figure out whodunit. Unfortunately, on this particular night, the game ends up featuring a real-life killer. The bodies begin piling up and, in an ‘Agatha Christie And Then There Were None’ style mystery, the survivors are forced to figure out who the killer is amongst them — before there is no one left standing.”

This one’s been banging around the film festival circuit since 2015. Still, sounds like the classic board game Clue (called Cluedo in the UK), which first came out in 1949. I don’t think that one had a real-life killer in it, though. Those guys cheat all the time.

More Slashers, More Serial Killers, More Maniacs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pacific Rim: Uprising

Some advance key art for Pacific Rim: Uprising, the sequel to Pacific Rim (2013), which pay-per-viewed skyscraper-sized, human-controlled robots against skyscraper-sized, non-human monsters from another dimension that had a revolving door at the bottom of the ocean. PR: Uprising stomps through theaters March 23, 2018.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

As for what we can expect, more and bigger skyscraper-sized, human-controlled robots against skyscraper-sized, non-human monsters from another dimension. Not a bad thing, I should think. While we impatiently await the weapons of mass entertainment, here are a few horror movies that may or may not be from this alternate universe…

Crazy Lake

CRAZY LAKE (available now)
“A group of coeds looking for fun on spring break have their beach plans canceled and opt for Plan B – fun at a cabin on the lake. Sometimes Plan B can be a real killer!”

This couldn’t be more limp as undercooked bacon. Ironically, it sounds like the coeds will be sliced like bacon. We can only hope.

Lake Alice

LAKE ALICE (available now)
“The Thomas’ travel to their lakeside cabin in the woods for a joyous Christmas celebration with their daughter and her new boyfriend, but the joy is short-lived and the body count is high.”

There’s a real Lake Alice here in Washington, about a machete throw off the Interstate. Fishing opportunities include catchable-size Rainbow Trout stocked in the spring, with Largemouth Bass and Sunfish also present. The public access has parking, a boat ramp and vault toilets. No slashers, though. Sorry.

Cabin 28

CABIN 28 (available now)
“The shocking true story based on the most infamous unsolved murder case in American history. On April 11th 1981, Sue Sharp and her family are enjoying their stay at Cabin 28 in the peaceful holiday resort of Keddie. But a day of fun at the remote getaway turns into a heart stopping nightmare as nightfall brings masked strangers to the cabin. A brutal battle for survival leaves several members of the family dead and one missing. An extensive police investigation follows but no one is convicted of the crime. Now, over thirty years later, Cabin 28 finally gives up its deadly secret.”

Geez, they give away the entire plot in the press release. So we get to see a family slaughtered by slaughterers wearing clown masks. Not seeing a deadly secret here. That, and I’m really burnt out on clowns — circus, rodeo or bar drunks.

Tarnation

TARNATION (November 24, 2017/MonsterFest screening)
“When Oscar’s dreams of becoming a rock star are brutally crushed and her boyfriend leaves, Oscar travels to a ghost town called Tarnation where she and a group of friends have rented a cabin in the woods for a weekend away. Unfortunately the cabin is host to a cursed painting and the surrounding woods are literally, Satan’s playground. Oscar soon finds herself battling a demon unicorn, possessed souls and Satan himself in an epic battle for her soul.”

The plot is weak as wet toilet paper, but the demon unicorn is kinda neat. That’s right up there with a wiccan penguin, mad cow and/or a schizophrenic monkey butler. Last thought: If she goes to a ghost town, how is it she and her soon-to-be expired friends able to rent a cabin? Couldn’t you just, like, stay there for free? Sure, no concierge or mini-bar. But hey, the price is right.

Chupacabras, Kaijus & STDs

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tunnel

Get a lot of e-mails asking why I don’t have a Facebook page or a Twitter account to publicize this here blog-blog. Gotta say, I’m not a fan of social media. That, and I don’t get paid to do this, so why make more work for myself? I’d rather spend that time on a bar stool.

However, I have been putzing around with some video-editing software and am roughing out a promo commercial for Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ to put on YouTube™. While you’re impatiently waiting for its debut, here’s some new horror/sci-fi to help pass the time…

TUNNEL (April 4, 2017 / VOD – May 2, 2017 / DVD)
Jung-soo is a car salesman fighting for survival inside a collapsed tunnel while rescue workers race against time to free him. The ensuing rescue operation becomes the subject of widespread media coverage and frenzy. But days go by, nerves stretch thin and Jung-soo must struggle for his life in the suffocating darkness alone.”

Too bad Jung-soo wasn’t a scuba tank salesman — just kick back and suck some sweet compressed air while everybody does all the work digging you out.

Colossal

COLOSSAL (April 7, 2017)
“A woman moves back home after losing her job and being dumped by her boyfriend. Her life takes a sudden turn when a giant kaiju-like creature appears in South Korea and she begins to suspect she may be connected to it.”

Yeah, I already wrote about this back on January 20, 2017. But couldn’t pass up the opportunity to show off the nutty cool Russian key art for this movie. From what I’m able to discern from the trailer is that whatever the chick does, so does the giant monster. Really hoping she doesn’t come down with a case of painful rectal itch.

Chupacabra Territory

CHUPACABRA TERRITORY (April 11, 2017)
“Four friends hike into the Pinewood Forest to find evidence of the Chupacabra, an ancient creature believed to be responsible for the disappearance of four experienced hikers a year earlier. As they journey deeper into the forest, their innocent search uncovers more than they had ever hoped for, and with it a darkness that threatens to consume their very existence. One by one they are hunted down, their survival tested, their lives hanging in the balance of fear, friendship, disbelief and horror.”

You could swap out Chupacabra with Bigfoot or Moth Man or a stink bear and it would still be the same movie we’ve all seen time and time again. I bet they downloaded the plot template from the Internet. I do it all the time.

She Kills

SHE KILLS (April 11, 2017)
“Sadie’s life is destroyed when a vicious gang called ‘The Touchers’ targets her for their sadistic fantasies after witnessing her sexy but innocent naked frolicking in a nearby field. On her wedding night they attack her and her husband Edward, brutalizing both of them. But during the attack the virgin bride discovers a dangerous secret about her body – she is cursed with the legendary STD ‘Fire Crotch’, a condition where Satan has laid claim to her vagina. After visiting her fortune teller friend Casparella, a space exorcism is attempted, but it only ends up unlocking secret hidden powers inside her.”

They had me at “naked frolicking” but lost me with “Fire Crotch.” And yet I’ll still watch every man-cringing moment of it. For educational purposes, of course.

Evil, Evil, Evil and…Ghosts

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Holy Terror

Cut myself shaving the other day. Then I cut my peanut butter spreading hand while making a sandwich with a chef-grade butcher knife. Then I cut my back-up hand on what appeared to be diamond edged paper. Then I cut my elbow/neck/rib cage on some barbed wire. (Hey, it was in the dumpster — finder’s keepers.) I feel like I’m both the slasher and the slashee.

While I change my bandages, here’s some upcoming horror movies that are hopefully a cut above the rest. C’mon — that was a clever tie-in. Geez, tough crowd.

HOLY TERROR (April 1, 2017)
“Believing their deceased son isn’t at peace, Molly and Tom ask a medium to make contact. But after they invite a vengeful demon to cross over, the couple must enlist the help of a disgraced priest to attempt a dangerous exorcism.”

How come it’s always a disgraced priest who gets the call to clean-up on aisle four? If the Devil knows your secrets (which is why Satan never loses at poker), then you’re setting yourself up for a real embarrassing social situation.

A Dark Song

A DARK SONG (April 28, 2017 / VOD / Limited)
“A determined young woman and a damaged occultist risk their lives and souls to perform a dangerous ritual that will grant them what they want.”

Isn’t that what a slot machine does? (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve risked my soul on the Mega Meltdown slot. What can I say — I’m a sucker for pictures of lava.

Another Evil

ANOTHER EVIL (2017)
“After encountering a ghost in their vacation home, Dan and his wife Mary consult an exorcist. Unsatisfied with the verdict, Dan goes behind his wife’s back to seek a second opinion, and secretly hires Os, who promises to get rid of the beings. Os and Dan spend a week together in the vacation home exorcising the “EFD” (Evil Fully Determined) beings, but Dan soon realizes that ridding the home of evil won’t be as simple as it seems.”

A ghost squatter. That’s a new one. Wonder if it’s a ghost of a hippie, who are known to squat in real estate that isn’t legally theirs? A little Iron Maiden (dealer’s choice) played at hippie melting levels should solve that problem real quick.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (2017)
“Four friends decide to partake in a popular escape room horror attraction, only to find themselves stuck inside with a demonically possessed killer. They only have one hour to solve the room and escape with their lives.”

Sounds like a cross between The Funhouse (1981) and any of the Saw movies. You might think I’m being a dick, but I hope they run out of time. That would make my sun shine.

Rejected Exorcist

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Exorcist

The Exorcist (1973) ad art depicting Father Merrin arriving at the MacNeil home to perform an exorcism on a demonically possessed 12 year-old girl (she wasn’t really possessed by the Devil; all 12 year-old girls just act like they are) is one of the most iconic and enduring images in horror movie history.

Light At The End of the Tunnel

But history was almost changed with some concept art that was created to advertise what is universally regarded the scariest horror movie of all time, outside of the live feed of my colonoscopy procedure (filmed in Tunnel-Vision™).

Dirty Harry, Deliverance, A Clockwork Orange

Designed by Bill Gold (the guy behind the ad art for Deliverance, Casablanca, Dirty Harry, and A Clockwork Orange), he was neverthess given a specific mandate by Warner Bros. and Exorcist film director William Friedkin on what they didn’t want. In an interview with AFI (American Film Institute), Gold had this to say about that: “We must not use an image of the girl possessed, or show anything that had any hint of religious connotation,” he revealed. “They were very concerned about that.”

Can’t blame them. Religion gets too much attention as it is. Why give ’em free advertising?

A rare rewind back to the ‘70s, here’s a look at several rejected ad concepts for The Exorcist before settling on Father Merrin crapping his pants moments before entering the house of the Devil…

The Exorcist

The Exorcist

And God bless fans of the Devil — here’s some choice Exorcist fan art, the standout of the bunch by artist Sam Wolfe Connelly

The Exorcist

The Exorcist

British Zombie Bikers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Psychomania

The rules are simple: make a deal with the devil and you get immortality and candy. Break a deal with the devil and you get turned into a frog and eat house flies and grub worms for all eternity. (I’ve only eaten gummi worms, so probably gonna pass on any deal-breaking.)

Psychomania

That’s the premise of the British zombie biker horror oddity, Psychomania (aka, The Death Wheelers/1973). But the young, heck-raising youths wearing spook masks and mocking traffic laws who each commit suicide so that they can come back from the dead in “forever in blue jeans,” think being dead is fun. In fact, it suits them, as their motorcycle gang name is The Living Dead. Cute.

Psychomania

Tom, the gang’s uncombed leader, loves black magic. He was tainted by evil as a crib rat when his mom made an immortality pact with the devil. Now that he’s old enough to make his own satanic bargains, Tom kills himself and returns exactly as he was prior to the expire (no rotting faces or unbrushed teeth), and convinces the rest of the direction-less youth to do the same.

Psychomania

How the gang commits suicide is not very imaginative or graphic: Jumping out of a plane and not pulling the parachute cord, wrapping oneself in chains attached to a cement brick and taking swimming lessons, jumping out of a hi-rise window, driving face first into oncoming traffic… If you waver, you actually die and don’t get to rejoin your zombie biker brothers and their quest to be bothersome to the community.

Psychomania

They drive their motorbikes into the grocery store (punks – there’s tons of parking outside), crashing into carefully stacked canned goods (good marketing). Then they drive into a police station holding a few of their rapscallion pals in conjunction with murder (lots of bloodless associative deaths) and break them out. Then they meet at a fog-drenched place called “The Seven Witches” (a field filled with standing stones) and question one members’ lack of pact. It’s Tom’s girlfriend. She tried offing herself with pills, but goofed up with the goofers and didn’t die. Now Tom and the gang want to die her for good.

Psychomania

Meanwhile, Tom’s mom has had enough of her son’s troubleness and summons the devil (some old guy in a suit, with a sword and a jeweled magic ring) to renege on their arrangement. She’s warned about the whole “frog for eternity” thing, but she doesn’t care — just get it over with and stop that Tom.

Psychomania

With absolutely no blood, gore or even salty language, Pyschomania wraps up with The Living Dead turning into cocooned corpses and finally into stones, which the devil further augments his collection, which he keeps in “The Seven Witches” front lawn. And Tom’s girlfriend who was about to be killed? She’s now single, but lives to die another day.