Paranormal Polygon, Tree Monsters, God Gun

According to theologians, the Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean where more than 50 ships and 20 airplanes are said to have mysteriously disappeared. Reasons range from Stargates to Aliens, giant sea monsters to religion gone wild. But now, according to Australian scientist Karl Kruszelnicki, we can all now stop making waves: The loss and disappearance of ships and planes is a mere fact of probabilities. And we should believe an Australian scientist. After all, they invented kangaroos.

In a myth-crushing article recently published on PopularMechanics.com, Kruszelnicki says, “the sheer volume of traffic — in a tricky area to navigate, no less — shows the number of ships and planes that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle is the same as anywhere in the world on a percentage basis.” He says that both Lloyd’s of London™ — the world’s leading insurance market — and the U.S. Coast Guard support that idea. (Note of interest: Lloyd’s of London™ has had this same theory since the 1970s.)

Fairly unremarkable given how many movies/documentaries were made about the paranormal polygon. Should you be predisposed to swim down this path, here are a few recommendations: Death Ship (1980), Triangle (2009), Bermuda Triangle Revealed: The Devil’s Graveyard (2014), and Drain The Bermuda Triangle (2014). 

While you’re deciding if you give a screaming theory or not about “science” and “facts”, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have kangaroos in ’em…

OUTPOST / May 19, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a violent attack, a woman searches for strength in the solitude of a lookout job the mountains of Northern Idaho, but is overwhelmed by something darker.”

Having a job as a lookout would be awesome. For one thing, you could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt if bears crap in the woods. Until now, it’s only been a topic of speculation.

POLLEN / June 6, 2023 (VOD)

“After a senior coworker assaults a bright-eyed young woman, her dream job becomes a living nightmare as she tries to keep her career together while being tormented at work, at home, and in her dreams by a mysterious tree monster.”

Tree monsters are the worst. Why can’t they more like the tree creatures (aka, Ents) in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)? It’d be fun to hang out with one of those guys. And if a Frisbee™ got stuck in its branches, he’d get it down for you. That is beyond cool. 

GOD IS A BULLET / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“Detective Bob Hightower finds his ex-wife murdered and his daughter kidnapped by an insidious cult. Bob takes matters into his own hands and infiltrates the secretive cult to try to save his daughter. With the help of the cult’s only female victim escapee, Case Hardin, Bob and Case go down the rabbit hole with The Ferryman to save his daughter and find closure for Case from the cult – and its maniacal leader — that took so much away from her.”

If God is the bullet, then is religion the gun?

DON’T GET IN THE CAR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the dead of night in Los Angeles, a woman is forced to complete errands in a 1960s Lincoln Continental if she wants to survive the night and save the ones she loves.”

Remember when you were a kid and your mom always said to not get into a car driven by strangers? I have two words for that: Uber™ and Lyft™.

Can’t We All Just Get A Kong? Leprechaun Heck, Vampire Strippers

In biblical terms, King Kong is more popular than Zeus. And while Zeus may be the Olympian god of the sky and thunder, his marketable appeal is confined to Greek mythology and a couple of movies, whereas King Kong is a global deity, worshiped in every country on the planet, even the stinky ones. Need proof? Just look at all visual interpretations of Kong from various continents…particularly the stinky ones.

Prague. Japan. Yugoslavia (see “stink countries”). Turkey. Spain. There is no place on Earth where Kong is not king. And images of our simian savior can fetch prices from as little as $15 in fun coupons/Benjamins/cabbage/smack smacks, all the way up to $1,000 pocket pals/doubloons/gwop/sawbucks for lovingly restored vintage prints.

So while we all go look under couch cushions and long abandoned fanny packs for loose cheddar/clams/lucre/quid to buy bootleg prints of King Kong on Etsy™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost a lot of pesos/moolah/Lincolns/frog skins to rent…

JOVI & LOU / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™), May 2023 (Tubi™)

An irreverent and sometimes offensive dark comedy in a world where Jovi (God) and Lou (Satan) negotiate the fate of all humanity, one game piece at a time. After his wife Mary sinks into a coma after a car wreck, Joey strikes a bargain with the sinister Lou to save her. His quest for her salvation leads him behind the scenes to the realm of the immortals, where humans are merely pawns in Jovi and Lou’s games.

God’s first name is Jovi and Satan’s first name is Lou? Given their career choices, you’d think they could come up with something more appealing, like Self-Righteous Shelly and Malevolent Mark.

SEVEN ANGELS / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven Angels, a famous girl band from Indonesia, consisting of Stella, Carla, Dian, Anggun, Amy, Tari and Mika go on vacation to Melbourne, Australia where they socialize with a local singer named Mark. Mark takes the girls of Seven Angels to Aradale Lunatic Asylum, a former haunted asylum with a dark and horrific history.”

You’re a dude with seven chicks and you take ’em to a haunted asylum? Were you born in a monastery?

THE WATCHERS / JUNE 24, 2024 (THEATERS)

“Mina, a 28-year old artist gets stranded in an expansive, untouched forest in western Ireland. When Mina finds shelter, she unknowingly becomes trapped alongside three strangers that are watched and stalked by mysterious creatures each night.”

Leprechauns. And no amount of Lucky Charms™ will save you from them.

SAMMY SLICK: VAMPIRE SLAYER Relese pending crowdfunding, 2023 (VOD)

“In the dark and seedy streets of Ybor City, FL, Vampire Investigator Sammy Slick vows to rid the city of its blood sucking inhabitants once and for all. After a dancer from Foxy’s Strip Club comes to him with her suspicions that the club’s new owner is luring men in as potential prey, Sammy and his trusty sidekick Ash set out to prove her right and bring down the vampiress. Along the way they are met with obstacles, vampiric adversaries, and vampire strippers.”

Vampire strippers. Just don’t tip ‘em with bulbs of garlic. That’ll get you thrown out of the club.

Ghost Vacuum Cleaner, Satan Recruit, Haunted Breadsticks

Ghostbusters fans have been making their own version of the Proton Pack machine, a sort of vacuum cleaner that sucks up ghosts for recycling, for decades. The enduring popularity of the Proton Pack even got its popularity boosted through the roof when those lawbreaking kids on Stranger Things were shown their own homemade versions to go with their Ghostbusters Halloween costumes. For those of us without engineering skills can now rejoice — Spirit Halloween™ is selling life-size Proton Packs for a not unreasonable $249.99. (They warn that this item is considered oversized and will require an additional shipping fee. Shipping promos are valid, but oversize charge will still apply. This means they’ll find a way to jack the price to wallet busting levels.)

The Ghostbusters Proton Pack comes with embroidered patches and replicas of the oversized black rubber gloves that look suspiciously like the ones my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, busts my ghosts with. Other non-invasive details: The life-size replica measures 26” high, 15” wide, and 10” deep. The Proton Pack features lights and sounds, three activation modes (power up, power down, and shoot), detachable particle thrower, and adjustable straps. Wear it during weddings, birthdays and non-denominational holidays, but don’t wear it into a bank, or you’ll end up a ghost yourself.

So while we jump on over to Spirit Halloween™ to order one (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not feel like being violated by an oversized rubber glove…

SATAN WANTS YOU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Satan Wants You tells the untold story of how the Satanic Panic of the 1980s was ignited by Michelle Remembers, a lurid memoir by psychiatrist Larry Pazder and his patient Michelle Smith. Supported by the Catholic™ church, the best-selling book relied on recovered-memory therapy to uncover Michelle’s childhood abduction by baby-stealing satanists. Amplified by law enforcement and America’s daytime TV boom, satanic rumors spread through panic-stricken communities across the world, leaving a wave of destruction and wrongful convictions in their wake. This film digs deep into the roots of moral panics and cult conspiracies, showing how these events still affect and distort our reality today.”

Satan doesn’t want me. Satan hates me, I just know it.

A HAUNTING IN VENICE / September 15, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Now retired and living in self-imposed exile in the world’s most glamorous city, celebrated sleuth, Hercule Poirot reluctantly attends a séance at a decaying, haunted palazzo. When one of the guests is murdered, the detective is thrust into a sinister world of shadows and secrets.”

I thought a palazzo was an entree at Osteria Francescana™. Wonder if it comes with endless bread sticks like they do at Olive Garden™.

SAW X / October 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A prequel that focuses on Tobin Bell’s character as Jigsaw.”

Thought they already did that, so this is all so…puzzling. Heh.

TWISTED METAL / Release pending 2023 (Peacock™)

“A motor-mouthed outsider is offered a chance at a better life, but only if he can successfully deliver a mysterious package across a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

The comedy sci-fi series is based on a 1995 video game of the same name. I never played video games as I was too busy playing happily in my own post-apocalyptic wasteland: dive bars.

’70s Horror, Spanish Exorcisms, Funeral Fun

Was perusing Flashbak’s™ comprehensive dissertation (sorry — word of the day calendar) on 15 Reasons The 1970s Were The Best Decade In Horror Cinema. Unlike this blog, the article, written by Yeoman Lowbrow (fake or not, great name), is extremely well researched, and presents a detailed argument to support the claim.

Key to the thesis is the poster art for such lurid gems as I Spit On Your Grave (1978), Love Exorcist (1975) and The Toolbox Murders (1978), to must see feel-good movies as The Sinful Dwarf (1973), Nude For Satan (1974), and Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile (1974). It was the gloriously gruesome art that first drew me down horror movie’s dark path I’m currently still trying to find my way off of. (Okay, not really.)

Sub-topic examples go from The Grit (genuine grime), What’s a Taboo? (pre-political correctness), Promotional Gimmicks (barf bags), Euro-Horror (La Orgia Nocturna De Los Vampires/1972, La Noche De Los Diablos/1972), Occult-Gone-Wild (The Omen/1976, The Sentinel/1977, Alucarda/1978), as well as Slow-Burn Horror, A Sequel-Free World and Nudity Aplenty (horror and boobies go together like beer and nachos ).

While you abandon the cart that is Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ and bounce on over to Flashbak’s™ encyclopedic essay (click down on it), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as spitting on graves and/or taking off your pants in the name of evil…  

LA EXORCISTA / Out now (VOD)

“Ofelia, a young nun recently arrived at the town of San Ramon, is forced to perform an exorcism on a pregnant woman. Just when it looks like the possession has ended, she discovers that the evil presence has not vanished.”

My mom couldn’t find an exorcist when she was knocked up with me. Dodged that bullet.

JACK FROST / Out now (VOD)

A family is terrorized by Jack Frost, a Christmas demon, and must learn their family’s dark secrets that link to why they are cursed. This Christmas, Jack will stop at nothing to exact his vengeance on those left in the bloodline.”

Christmas sure is lot more evil these days, what with all the evil Christmas trees, evil Santa Clauses, evil Mrs. Santa Clauses, evil elves, evil toys, evil reindeer… Miss the days when I was the most evil thing every Christmas.

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“A holiday craft fair is ground zero for a coven of Satan worshipers who stalk and kidnap a group of locals in their attempt to create a ‘Satanic Nativity’ with occult spells and grisly slayings.”

Apparently Halloween is not enough for Satan worshippers. That community seems to be taking over all our cherished holidays. What’s next — Thanksgiving of the Damned? Malevolent Memorial Day? Villainous Valentine’s? Foul 4th of July? Those Satan loving asshats better not go anywhere near Groundhog’s Day…   

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE / December 2022 (VOD)

“Clara, a struggling, young romance novelist, receives an invitation from her beloved aunt to spend Christmas holidays with her. When she arrives at the secluded countryside cottage, sees that her aunt has a life-sized nutcracker doll by the Christmas tree. Something about the doll unnerves her. That night, at the stroke of midnight, the star on the Christmas tree glows, as do the eyes of the life-size nutcracker. It comes to life and kills a delivery man who has come to the house — and its reign of havoc has only just started…”

Outside of pro wrestling finishing moves, no guy was/is comfortable with the word “nutcracker.” Holiday nuts should be fondled, not cracked.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE / December 2022 (Shudder™)

“When horror guru Rad Chad Buckley’s funeral turns into an elaborate series of hilarious death traps, the guests must band together and use the rules of horror to survive the bloody game.”

I thought a funeral was a death trap. This sounds like an escape room game. Unfortunately, there is no escape room for dying. Yet.

Alien Finger, Devil Theater, Robot Santa

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, a sugary, family “sci-fi” movie, came out in 1982. The starring the Earth-bound “alien,” designed to sell one million billion toys, looked like a carnival plush toy resembling a turd with big sad eyes. And E.T.’s extra-long probing finger, with a glowing light instead of a fingernail, uncomfortably reminds me of my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman. To quote E.T., “Ouuuuch!”

Now, 40 years later, you can own the actual animatronic metal skeleton they made E.T. with, is up for grabs. Here are the details from Julien’s Auctions and TCM Present: Icons and Idols: Hollywood auction: “Headlining this epic event is the E.T. the Extra Terrestrial Hero ‘#1’ mechatronic filming model ‘actor’ that brought the eponymous character to life in Steven Spielberg’s 1982 classic E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (estimate: $2,000,000 – $3,000,000). Pre-dating modern CGI technology and effects, this one-of-a-kind cinematographic relic (constructed in 1981) features 85 points of movement and is regarded as an engineering masterpiece.”

While you decide to bid on this item or engineering your own toilet masterpiece, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not give you turd-like sad eyes…

NANNY / November 23, 2022 (Theaters) / December 16, 2022 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A Senegalese immigrant nanny is working for a privileged couple in NYC. A violent presence invades her reality, threatening the American Dream she is painstakingly piecing together.”

If she’s a nanny, only one thing could be a violent presence — a fully loaded diaper.

DEBBIE AND THE DEVIL / December 9, 2022 (Theaters)

“Sally and Johnny escape a mass shooting and hide out in Mister Red’s (aka, Satan) movie theater where they are shown three horror films, each one involving the Devil’s agents and their victims.”

And Satan even hands out snacks to enjoy during the movie — Red Hots™. Man, that’s comedy gold.

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS / December 9, 2022 (Theaters, Shudder™)

“It’s Christmas Eve and Tori just wants to get drunk and party. But when a robotic Santa Clause at a nearby toy store goes haywire and begins a rampant killing spree through her small town, she’s forced into a battle for survival.”

Call the plagiarism police — they STOLE this plot from Futurama. Specifically, “Xmas Story,” which had a robot Santa shooting/exploding up the town and anyone in the way of said shooting/exploding. More specifically, Episode 4, Season 2, which aired on December 19, 1999. Television NEVER forgets.

JERUZALEM 2 / January 1, 2023 (Theaters)

“When doomsday happens on their wedding day, a couple in Jerusalem must bring their families together to put aside their cultural differences and battle demons tasked with ridding the Holy City of impure souls.”

I thought a doomsday and a wedding day were the same thing. Heh. That said, the movie poster’s tagline proclaims there are three Gates to Hell: one in the desert, one in the ocean and one in Jerusalem (or “Jeruzalem”). They’re totally forgetting/ignoring the Tug Tavern. So yeah, FOUR Gates to Hell. They need to redo the movie poster.

Expensive Clowns, Teenage Witches, Lady Cannibals

Got a spare $499 laying around and aren’t donating to my “Get Drunk Quick” fund? Then you might wanna buy one the three nightmare-inducing Pennywise busts from Prime 1 Studio. You need this to complete your life.

Available for pre-order and releasing later this year (2019, in case it slipped your mind) or early next year (back to the future), you can get ‘em individually or in a set of three for $1,399. Besides being excruciatingly detailed, these things stand 16” tall and include display bases. That’s important for some reason.

While I quit drinking for a few days to raise the funds needed to purchase said Objets d’art, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not get you to quit drinking…

THE CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH (Season 2/April 5, 2019)
“This adaptation of the Sabrina the Teenage Witch tale is a dark coming-of-age story that traffics in horror and the occult. In the reimagined origin story, Sabrina Spellman wrestles to reconcile her dual nature — half-witch, half-mortal — while standing against the evil forces that threaten her, her family (aunts Hilda and Zelda), and the daylight world humans inhabit.

Season one was surprisingly watchable, even though it’s teen-centric. Lots of demons, creatures, ghosts, blood gunk, and the invoking of Satan every five minutes. I’m all in for season 2.

DANIEL ISN’T REAL (2019/pending distribution)
“Luke, a troubled college freshman, suffers a violent family trauma and resurrects his childhood imaginary friend Daniel to help him cope.”

My childhood imaginary friend is Bud. Bud Weiser. That guy is always getting me into trouble.

Z (2019/2020)
“When Beth and Kevin’s eight-year-old son Joshua develops an imaginary friend named Z, they think it’s cute. But they soon realize just how wrong they are. Z becomes a terrible influence on Josh and their innocent son turns into someone they barely recognize. It’s only when Beth starts uncovering her own past, that she learns that Josh’s new friend Z, may not be so imaginary, after all.”

This sounds a bit on the “been there, done that” side. Maybe they should title it, Zzzzzzz.

SHE NEVER DIED (2019/2020)
“Lacey, an immortal cannibal, saves a woman from dying a grisly death on a dark web channel and hunts down the culprits.”

The sequel to He Never Died (2015). Only saw part of that one. Not sure why I didn’t watch the whole thing. This one has an immortal cannibal lady in it, so I’ll probably watch all of this one.

Smack-Talking Computers, Possessed Ubers, The Curse of Seagulls

Remember HAL 9000 (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic), the sentient super computer with a human personality, in the groundbreaking sci-fi movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey (which ironically was done in 1968)? Now CASE (Cognitive Architecture for Space Exploration) is making a new HAL — which spells doom for all us astronauts (I’m almost done with my online courses, so yeah, I’m an astronaut, b*tches!)

2001: A Space Odyssey, as you likely know, was infamously produced and directed by fake moon landing movie maker, Stanley Kubrick from an Arthur C. Clark short story, Sentinel of Eternity (1951). In 2001, HAL, the computer not only talks, but talks back, overrides human commands and secretly has a directive to investigate a radio signal sent from that mysterious, featureless Monolith. (The Who — lunar British rock band — symbolically peed on it for the cover of their rhythmic beats album, Who’s Next/1971. Disrespectful, but very rock). The crew of Discovery One should’ve waited to see what happened to the staff of the deep space Nostromo in Alien (1979). Ash (Hyperdyne Systems 120-A/2 android), their super computer in the clever guise of a stink human, pulled the exact same sh*t and look what happened there.

Pretty much everybody (except me) owns their own personal HAL, though they call it Alexa/Siri/Google. My dire warning to you is to not trust any of those convenient smart home devices and make sure you don’t involuntarily get locked out of your house/deep space vessel.

While you contemplate machines taking over the world, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not digitally sever your oxygen hose…

BEYOND WHITE SPACE (December 14, 2018)
“The captain of a deep-space vessel makes a daring decision to go after a rare and nearly extinct species. His obsession soon jeopardizes the mutinous crew when the gigantic and deadly creature attacks the ship.”

Sounds like Moby Dick in space. The trailer is pretty cool — there’s a mega big gigantic huge Godzilla-esque monster floating around, looking for spaceship flavored snacks. The deep-space vessel may as well put a Fritos™ logo on the side of their ship.

SUPERGRID (December 18, 2018)
“Two estranged brothers travel the notorious ‘Grid’ in their quest to collect and deliver a mysterious cargo. En route they must contend with road pirates, rebel gangs, and each other.”

The plot of traveling across the danger-enhanced apocalyptic wastelands steal from dozens of other same-plot movies/TV shows, but also the morning work commute. 

THE CAR: ROAD TO REVENGE (January 8, 2019)
“In a dilapidated cyberpunk city plagued by crime and corruption, an unscrupulous District Attorney is savagely murdered and tossed out of a building onto his brand new car. Mysteriously, the District Attorney and his car come back to life as a single being with a thirst for vengeance. The eerie driver-less car embarks on a vicious rampage exacting revenge on the criminals who murdered him.”

They’re calling this a “stylized sequel” to the 1977 movie called, The Car, wherein a possessed vehicle runs people down and parks on their faces. The lead character was James Brolin, who later went on to The Amityville Horror infamy. He seems nice.

CURSE OF THE BLIND DEAD (2019)
“In the Thirteen century, a group of Satan worshipers, the Knight Templars, is captured during a ritual and brutally murdered by the locals. Just before the execution, the Knights swear to return from their graves to haunt the village and the nearby forest. Centuries later, in a post-apocalyptic future, a man and his daughter try to survive against both the Undead Knights and a sect commanded by a mad preacher.”

Sound familiar? It should — it’s a continuation of the early Seventies Italian-filmed Blind Dead series (Tombs of the Blind Dead/1971, The Return of the Blind Dead/1973, The Ghost Galleon/1974, Night of the Seagulls/1975). Blind dead Templar Knights out for revenge are certainly scary. But man, don’t get in a dust up with seagulls — those things always know when you wash your car and will unleash their coordinated crap attacks on your just-cleaned hood and door handle. (How do they manage such accuracy? Geez.)

Sewer Clowns, Shark Mash-up, British Vampire

Hard to find a scarier horror icon than the new Pennywise from 2017’s mega-hit film, It. The movie made, like 12 billion dollars at the box office. I’m visibly shocked you never heard of it.

So MezcoToyz.com, looking to cash in, has designed a 15” tall/fully articulated Pennywise The Dancing Clown doll in shockingly cool detail. Even better — the darn thing spouts six of his famous lines. (My fav — “You’ll float, too!” I bet he came up with that line while slogging around the sewers and being inspired by other, um, stuff that floats.)

Yes, you need to own the M.D.S. Mega Scale Talking Pennywise — and it ain’t cheap; $98 circus coupons, according to their website. The figure can be pre-ordered on Mezco’s website [click here] and it’ll ship between March and May of 2019. That’s like next year, or something.

While you get an advance on your next paycheck, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not float like you when you’re slogging around the sewer…

TUMBBAD (December 10, 2018)
“In the rural village of Tumbbad, a decaying castle hides an immeasurable ancestral fortune guarded by something ancient, sinister, and monstrous. Vinayak thinks he can control it, but how long will it be until his own greed destroys everything he’s built?”

Yep, there’s a rumored treasure in this gigantic, spiderweb-y abandoned castle. And curse the luck — it’s down a deep hole where an evil thingamajig taunts you to take it, resulting in dire consequences. Like I would ever need goading, geez. Does ancient evil even know me?

SHARRACUDA (2018)
“A small coastal town is suddenly attacked by a giant mutated shark. Three young metalheads, an unusual priest and a weird marine biologist decide to throw themselves in the pursuit of the creature with heavy artillery, blessed weapons and fierce fight. Is the monster an aberration caused by pollution, a government experiment or is he the manifestation of Satan? Who cares: The hunt is on!”

Not even sure if this one is out yet or not, despite my frantic clicking the computer mouse really fast. So a shark/barracuda hybrid monster. Sure, why not? Bonus #2: Apparently, the soundtrack is filled with underground death metal, hardcore, punk, doom and stoner bands from around the world. Forget the Sharracuda; the music alone will probably kill you.

THE VAMPYRE (2019)
“A young Englishman and his sister fall prey to a dark and malevolent force.”

Okay, it’s like they’re not even trying to sell this one, which makes it YET ANOTHER boring vampire, I mean “vampyre”movie. (Spelling it different won’t make it any less boring.)

TUFTLAND (March 1, 2019)
“A headstrong textile student Irina accepts a summer job offer from the isolated and self-sufficient village of Kyrsyä, only to quickly realize that the offbeat hillbillies who inhabit the small town aren’t as harmless as they may seem.”

Never trust a hillbilly. Words to live by.

Soul Police

Religious fanatics are so stupid. First, they get a bunch of people to believe in their spiritual B.S., and then get them to do a group suicide. Poor business model — no one left to pass the collection plate. 

One woman, part of the cult who killed themselves in the name of RELIGION, survived. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at being spiritual. And she’s pregnant. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at birth control. To pay for this blasphemy she dies giving birth. Let that be a lesson to not mock RELIGION. 

Her daughter grows up to be 20 years old. This coincides with yet another group of religious freaks committing suicide. There’s an up and down side to this scenario if you think about it. The police think a serial killer is to blame. Sort of. Three “soul guardians” show up, looking like regular people, but with mystical powers that don’t include heat vision or the ability to shoot spider webbing out of their arm holes. Too bad. But they’re here for a reason. 

The Forces of Darkness are using the girl to help Satan get back to Earth, thereby causing more of the above. (I didn’t know Satan lived in outer space; isn’t he supposed to be at the center of Earth’s core, eating the Damned with a side of lava? Clearly, I have the wrong version of the Bible.)

The Soul Guardians (1998; called Toemarok in its homeland of South Korea), has more visual special effects than a religious fanatic’s conception of Heaven, and looks as slick as a televangelist. But evil doesn’t look evil enough, there are no steaming entrails or vomit-covered collection plates. I have to give props to the “soul knife,” though. That thing was cool and I wish to own one. Maybe if I rub the lamp harder, Jesus will pop out and grant me my fondest desires. 

The Soul Guardians, while mildly entertaining and whiz-bang visuals, needed more evil and less goodness. Or visa versa.

A Contract With Death

In The Devil’s Partner (1962), a Twilight Zone reject, Pete Jensen is a scraggly hermit who looks like he’s older than lava. He also lives in wooden shack just outside of the appropriately named Furnace Flats, NM. Let’s just say if you wanted to, you could fry an egg on Pete’s dirt porch.

Before Pete kicks the furnace, he sacrifices a goat in his living room (actually the only room in the “house”), smears the animal blood on a hexagram he painted on the floor and hides with a goat skin rug, and makes a pact with the Devil in writing, promising to loan out his soul for two years in exchange for turning young and handsome in order to get busy with Nell, the town’s young hottie.

The Devil grants Pete his wish — he’s now “Nick” and lookin’ slick! He “arrives” back in town as Pete’s nephew, moves back in to the old shack, and starts his plan to snare Nell in his web of deceit. And dang, it works, even though Nell is engaged to handsome gas station owner, David. Heck, so convincing is Nick as a happenin’ and polite young man, David even offers him a job.

But he needs to clear the field of people that are Nick-blocking his attempts to make smooch happen with Nell. First, he uses his “powers” to take out a guy with poison goat’s milk. (I thought all goat’s milk tasted like poison.) Then Nick possesses a pet dog to bite half David’s face off. Then he turns into a horse that stomps the buzz out of the town drunk. But there’s one more person Nick needs to put down — David. Prior, Scar-Face Dave has been treating Nell like a goat and plans on leaving town for good. When Nell goes to Nick for solace, he makes smooch happen. All according to plan.

Furnace Flats’ sheriff and the town doctor (also Nell’s pop) are hot on the bloody trail. Nick turns himself into a rattlesnake (implied, not shown) and goes to bite the rest of David’s face off. Dave’s ready for him — with a gun. Shots were fired, words were said, and everybody puts the clues — and bloody trail — together, and finds the snake in the grass. There it turns into a dying Nick who shall no more make smooch happen.

You don’t get to see the Devil, but you get to see his evil hands. They look dirty. All the deaths are not shown (except the goat milk guy falling to the floor), and despite Furnace Flats’ dry and dusty hot temps, at no point does Nell slip into a socially acceptable bikini. So yeah, be prepared to be let down.