Foul Fowl, Butcher Brood, Blood-Sucking Satire

Dracula has a dog and hangs out with all manner of icky bugs. So why not a bird as a new addition to his monstrous menagerie? Sure, he can change into a bat and flap around town. But if Drac had a bird, they could it together. This is why Pesquet’s Parrot — also known as the Dracula Parrot — would be a splendid choice for a feathered fiend friend as it looks pure evil and could peck out your disbelieving eyes with its beak of doom.

Dracula Parrots are short-tailed, 20 inches in length, and can only be found in the mountains of New Guinea, which is 5,064.6 miles from Transylvania, where Dracula hangs his cape. Maybe Drac-o could spring for a bus ticket to get this bird since Amazon Prime™ doesn’t ship to either location. (I wonder if Amazon™ ships to the Amazon? I’ll do some research.)

So while we go to 7-Eleven™ to purchase an exotic bird, beak polish and maybe some gum, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need a cage liner…

THE PARK / March 2, 2023 (VOD)

“When a mysterious virus starts killing all adults, society is left to be governed by children living on borrowed time. After the adult population is wiped out, rival kids battle for control of an abandoned theme park. Danger lurks around every corner, and they must do whatever it takes to survive their hellish Neverland.”

Mysterious virus, my eye — the adults killed themselves. Why? You’ve seen their kids…

UNSEEN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

Two women form an unlikely connection when a depressed gas station clerk Sam, receives a call from Emily, a nearly blind woman who is running from her murderous ex in the woods. Emily must survive the ordeal with Sam being her eyes from afar using video call.”

How could you be depressed working as a gas station clerk? You get to meet lots of eccentric customers, have unfettered access to all varieties of flavorful gum, and huff as much gas fumes as want.

INFLUENCER / Spring 2023 (Shudder™)

“Madison, a popular social media influencer who is having a lonely and uneventful trip in Thailand despite what she tells her followers on Instagram. While reflecting on her boyfriend canceling the trip, she meets CW, a fearless and enigmatic traveler who offers to take her to some of the most Instagram-worthy locations. Together they share authentic meals and drinks with locals, discussing the differences between Madison’s online presence and CW’s lack of one. After showing Madison all of the amazing sights, things take a different turn when CW brings her to a surprise location — a deserted island that is completely off the grid.”

Yeah, no.

DON’T SUCK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A veteran comedian’s last chance at stardom takes him on the road with a young comic whom reveals an unexpected past.”

The young comic is a vampire. He better not suck at his job. And yet he better suck at his job.

Rock ‘N Roll Halloween, 50% Alien, Terrible Giants

KISS is one of most popular and successful rock bands in the world. You may have heard of them. KISS (Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Peter Criss) has sold over 100 million records and are regarded as one of the most influential music artists of all time. Don’t think so? How many people have you seen sporting Bob Dylan tattoos?

To commemorate this Halloween season, KISS — kings of the nigh time world AND kings of merchandising — have come out with a Halloween spin on their classic t-shirts and hoodies: “All Hallow’s Eve,” “Rock And Roll Demons,” “Zombies of the Night,” “Rock And Roll Hell,” “Kiss-O-Lantern,” “Searching For The Darkness,” and “Creatures of the Deep.” You can obtain them HERE for a scary $30.00 per shirt and $65.00 per hoodie.

So while we go to a dermatologist to get our Bob Dylan tattoo removed, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a tramp stamp…

BITCH ASS / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“A gang initiation goes wrong when a group of four recruits break into a house of horror — and they’re all forced to play deadly games for their lives. Win and you live — lose and you die.”

I liked this better when it was called Saw II (2005).

THE LAIR / October 28, 2022 (Theaters, Digital, VOD)

“Sgt. Tom Hook as he is tasked with leading a unit to find Lt. Kate Sinclair after the Royal Air Force fighter pilot was shot down in Afghanistan. Pursued by insurgents, Sinclair has sought shelter in an abandoned bunker where she unwittingly releases the Ravagers – a half human-half alien man-made biological weapon. Hook and his team, accompanied by a handful of British SAS troops, must save Sinclair from insurgents and the Ravagers before they overrun the area and threaten the entire world.”

Half alien/half human. Kinda makes you wonder — which half would work best…alien top/human bottom or human top/alien bottom? Advantage #1: You could scare the conspiracy out of people with an alien top, and have a lot of fun flashing your human bottom on buses. Advantage #2: You could scare the bus pass out of people with a human top, and have a lot of fun baring your alien bottom on…Uranus. (Sorry — seriously unable to control myself.)

EVIL DEAD RISE / April 21, 2023

“In the fifth Evil Dead film, a road-weary Beth pays an overdue visit to her older sister Ellie, who is raising three kids on her own in a cramped L.A. apartment. The sisters’ reunion is cut short by the discovery of a mysterious book deep in the bowels of Ellie’s building, giving rise to flesh-possessing demons, and thrusting Beth into a primal battle for survival as she is faced with the most nightmarish version of motherhood imaginable.”

A new Evil Dead movie? Did I just wake up at Disneyland™, the happiest place on Earth? Just like waiting in line to ride Disney’s Splash Mountain™, it’s gonna be a while before we get to revisit evil. Unlike the line to ride Splash Mountain™, Evil Dead Rise will be worth the wait.

LEIO: THE TERRIBLE GIANT / Pending release US 2023

“A once-famous singer who returns to his hometown and takes part in a water field drilling contest, hoping to win a large cash prize. But what they do not realize is that a mysterious beast lurks underground.”

Leio was released in the summer of 2022 in Thailand and is now getting a US makeover. Just wondering out loud why they call him the “terrible giant”? He seems nice.

Exploding Heads, Lake Kaijus, Witch Sweaters

Scanners is an 1981 Canadian science-fiction horror movie made infamous by graphically exploding heads. I approve of that sentence. Now, four decades later, it’s being turned into a series on HBO™ (Head Blow Up — heh). One question — why the swear word did it take this long?

The original plot: “A scientist trains a man with an advanced telepathic ability called ‘scanning’, to stop a dangerous Scanner with extraordinary psychic powers from waging war against non scanners.”

In a direct nod to Scanners, on Season Two and Three of The Boys (on Amazon Prime™ — why aren’t you watching it now?), has a Supe (super-powered individual) merely willing functioning skulls — and whatever they’re connected to — ka-boom like lasagna-filled balloons.

A Scanners series is in the works now, which means it’ll be awhile (guessing a week or so sometime next year) before we get to see it. In the meantime, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you crave a steaming paper plate of noggin lasagna…

THE LAKE / Pending release US 2022/2023 / Out now in Thailand

“A mysterious monster rises from the Mekong River, attacked Bueng Kan and cuts off people from the outside world. Officials, including Chinese scientists who came to conduct research in Thailand, mobilize to catch this crazy monster before it’s too late.”

The movie is in Thai. Thailand is home to 71 living languages. That means 71 different ways to order Singha, a soapy but not-without-its-charms green bottle beer. That said, you actually don’t need to understand the dialogue as the crazy monster is freakin’ cool. And, if you haven’t heard, that freakin’ thing is exclamation point crazy. Watch the trailer on YouTube™ if you don’t believe my crazy wordles.

CROC! / October 4, 2022 (VOD)

“Lisa and her family unite at a wedding venue, excited for the big day. However, unknown to the family, a nest of hungry crocodiles has been living in the nearby lake. As the crocodiles crash the wedding in a blood thirsty massacre, the remaining family members must survive the night against these Jurassic beasts.”

In an ironic twist of fate, all the ‘til-death-do-us-part guests taste like a screaming wedding cake. Ingredients: butter, sugar, eggs and legs.

DON’T LOOK AT THE DEMON / October 7, 2022 / Limited

“Led by a troubled medium, an American television crew of paranormal investigators go to the home of a couple who claim to have experienced inexplicable, threatening disturbances. Delving into the mystery, they encounter possessions and apparitions more terrifying than any they’d witnessed before — actual contact with the other side. As the cameras roll and bodies are possessed, they’re inevitably overwhelmed by this violent supernatural force.”

Sounds like last call at The Tug Tavern, the violent supernatural force not attributed to sweet/refreshing beer, but rather those $1.00 freshness-expired pickled eggs in that fingerprint smeared jar behind the bar next to light bulb-heated cashews (also $1.00). Stomach-churning, and yet patrons are drawn to ’em as if caught in a paranormal vortex. This NEVER ends well.

TWO WITCHES / Pending release 2022

“A pregnant woman is convinced she has been cursed by a witch, while another woman, with violent impulses, hopes to inherit her great-grandmother’s powers. Two generations of witches and the dire consequences for those who cross their path.”

Sounds like we’re in store for an epic witch-slap. I wish I could’ve inherited powers from my great-grandmother. All I got was a sweater.

Coffin Movies, Human Supper Club, Death Boat

Not sure what I think about this: “The Goteborg Film Festival in Sweden, beginning on January 27, 2019, will be offering up 33 “sarcophagus screenings” of Aniara, a Swedish-language apocalyptic sci-fi film.” Yeesh, what’s next — sneak previews in a gas chamber?

According to The Hollywood Reporter, eight volunteers at a time will be shut into specially made caskets outfitted with screens, speakers and air vents. Inside the coffin will be a “panic” button for anyone who gets too freaked out. 

I’d break my finger pushing that button. Points for creativity, though. As for Aniara (2018), here’s this about that: “A spaceship carrying settlers to Mars is knocked off course, causing the consumption-obsessed passengers to consider their place in the universe.” I can feel their pain — my life would be nothing if it weren’t for drunk bidding on eBay™.

Before you go hopping into any movie sarcophagus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not have you reaching for the panic button. And remember, it’s not the coffin they take you off in, it’s the coffin that takes you often…

FOLKLORE (February 1, 2019/ HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand)
“Folklore is HBO’s newest foray into the horror anthology genre. The series, which contains six hour-long episodes, will take place in six Asian countries including Indonesia, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Singapore, and Thailand. Each of the six episodes is based on that respective country’s folklore and mythology, which includes various supernatural beings and strange occult practices. Each episode will be helmed by a different director, with each episode filmed in the local language of that particular country.”

This one was already aired on HBO Asia on October 7, 2018. (I didn’t know Asia changed its name.) As cool as the anthology series sounds, doesn’t do me much good if each episode is filmed in its native language. Geez, I can barely speak whatever language I’m currently burping out now.

BENEATH THE LEAVES (February 8, 2019/limited theater/VOD)
“Among countless others, four small-town boys are kidnapped by James Whitley, a deranged, warm-eyed psychopath. His grotesque pursuit to reunite orphaned children with their deceased birth parents is gridlocked when the boys escape and he is arrested. Twenty years later, Whitley flees during a prison fire and decides to see his mission through. Detective Larson, one of Whitley’s prior victims — and now a cop — is removed from the case due to impartiality leaving his partner and lover, Detective Shotwell to solve the case. Fueled by rage and a chance of redemption, Detective Larson chases the steadfast psychopath on his own, only to fall back into the same trap he once escaped as a child.”

Fueled by rage. Kinda my mantra. Hope career criminal James Whitely doesn’t try to kidnap me — I’ve got a full tank.

THE CANNIBAL CLUB (March 1, 2019/limited theater/ March 5, 2019/VOD)
“Otavio and Gilda are a very wealthy couple of the Brazilian elite who have the habit of eating their employees. Otavio owns a private security company and is a notable member of The Cannibal Club. When Gilda accidentally discovers a secret from Borges, a powerful congressman and the club’s leader, her and her husband’s lives are in grave danger.”

Eating your employees — doesn’t sound too tasty, but it does cut down on having to hand out raises and buying groceries.

HARPOON (2019)
“With his perfect family and perfect upbringing, Richard appears to have it all. So when he thinks that his long-term girlfriend, Sasha and best-friend, Jonah, are having an affair, it sends him into a fit of rage that leaves Jonah a bloody mess. Once Jonah and Sasha convince Richard the allegations are false, Richard tries to buy back their trust by taking them out for a day-trip on his family’s yacht. Tension boils over once out to sea, and, to make matters worse, the yacht’s engine fails. Stranded without food and supplies, the trio must set aside their differences in order to survive.”

Can’t remember the title, but there was a Japanese horror movie with the same plot. It didn’t end well for them, either. I think they were all eaten by a giant octopus with nine arms. I could be slightly wrong about that.

Photogenic Ghost

Driving home with his girlfriend after drinking with some buddies and thinking he’s gonna get some action because he’s all liquored up and in the mood for some lovin’, Tun (that’s really his name) runs over a young gal crossing the road. He thought it was a speed bump and kept going.

Over the next few days, Tun — a photographer — is snapping pics of a high school graduation. He notices white streaks on some of the photos and in one shot, sees the face of the gal he ran over and left to die in the mean streets of Bangkok. Later, examining the pictures closely, he looks at the girl’s face…AND IT TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIM! How can a photograph do that? Is that even legal?

Then more eerie stuff starts to happen to him and his girlfriend, enough to send her on a mission to find out who they turned into roadkill. As it just so happens, the dead gal was a former girlfriend of Tun’s. And his camera? A gift given to him by the previously-living girl as a present of some sort. But something else is happening — all Tun’s drinking buddies are practicing high dives off tall buildings. (Problem is, you can only practice the dive once.)

It’s here he spills the beans about meeting the girl back in his school days, dating her and then moving in together and more than likely touching each other’s private parts. The gal was frightfully shy and mercilessly teased by Tun’s classmates…the same ones that are now thinking they can fly.

He eventually broke up with her and she attempted suicide by cutting her wrist with a knife intended for kitchen use only. But where things really get ugly is when Tun’s current girlfriend finds a bunch of pictures of his ex-girlfriend getting gang sexed by his drunk friends, pictures HE took. Time for the dead girl to turn up the juice on the Haunt-o-Meter™. 

Since hitting the girl with the car, Tun’s neck has been aching — and now it’s hurting even more. But he can’t think about his neck right now as the dead girl is walking on the ceiling…UPSIDE DOWN! He crawls out onto the fire escape in the pouring rain (complete with wind and lightning), only to have his dead ex crawl after him…UPSIDE DOWN! This makes Tun let go and he hits the ground like a wet wonton.

Cracked skull, broken arm, probably a fair amount of poop in his pants, when Tun gets out of the hospital he starts taking pictures around his apartment. But it’s only when Tun takes a picture of himself in the mirror that we find out why his neck hurts so much. While the truth didn’t goon us out, it was pretty neat all the same.

Shutter (The Original) (2004) has several false endings, like when you eat budget Thai food and think you need to make some bathroom tofu, but don’t/can’t. The best stuff, though, happens in the last 15 minutes. Like when making bathroom tofu.

A Truly Crappy Horror Movie

Pusit is having a bad day — and it’s about to get worse. A musical instrument salesman in Thailand, Pusit’s top client was nabbed by a ladder-climber co-worker and was fired. Then his car was repossessed. Then his mom calls and needs to borrow money he doesn’t have. And there’s a fly that keeps buzzing around his face. Then he gets an unusual cell phone call telling him that if he can kill the fly with that rolled up newspaper at his feet, 10,000 baht (Thailand dollars) will be put in his bank account. Smacko!

The phone rings again showing his bank account has been credited. Then the caller issues another challenge: eat the dead fly and more money will be put in his account. Yummy. His phone rings again with more money verified. (That never happens to me.)

Then the game begins. The mysterious caller issues a challenge: complete 13 “games” and 100 million baht ($318,347,000.00 in U.S. funds — I checked) will be his.

The tasks start out simple, like making at least three children cry. But it’s the restaurant “game” that’s really tough to watch. Pusit is instructed to walk into a four-star eatery where he is seated and brought a covered dish. The caller says he must eat what’s under the dish in order to go to the next level. The lid comes off and it’s a big plate of something that belongs in a toilet, with gravy and a broccoli floret and slice of tomato. You may not want to watch this scene as he takes his first bite — and finishes the job, even licking the plate. I had to stop the movie right there and go brush my teeth with Clorox™. 

The subsequent challenges get a little more tough, each with consequences. Most of this stuff is funny, but the movie takes a slow harsh turn involving a wire clothesline, a Samurai sword, a little dog and a poop lollipop (sorry, made that last one up).

The tension gets to the point where you’re really rooting for Pusit as he’s trying like hell to play the game right. But now the cops are after him, as is his co-worker chick friend who discovers what “the game” is and sets out to stop it before any more harmless crap gets eaten.

The ending  of 13: Game of Death (2006) is not what you’d expect or predict, and when you think about it, is the only way to tie things up. An intense flick, for sure; You aren’t gonna see many this bizarre or tasty (kidding). Just have your toothbrush standing by.

The Witch Doctor vs. The Giant Crocodile

There’s a problem with Bang Mud Canal (oh dear God…too…many…jokes…head…about to…explode) in Thailand’s Chumporn District. A gigantic alligator or, “crocodile” is eating everyone who dares sticks an expendable limb into the water. Even the local police can’t stop its canoe-capsizing behavior.

Using modern techniques to subvert the beast, a local witch doctor is called in. He lasts about two minutes on his Shaman inner tube. Hmmm, let’s try that again with another witch doctor, only make this one have more incense and dynamite.

The monster reptile seems to like witch doctors as they go down smooth. Time for the military to step in. Trapping Croc-y against a quickly-constructed dam. (I didn’t see any building permits, so I bet that thing is really shaky.) A cop jumps in the water with a grenade. Finally, someone with balls. Until the grenade goes off, that is.

The Brutal River (aka, Khoht phetchakhaat/2005) is extremely low-budget horror, although an exploding crocodile makes a way more chunky mess than I originally theorized.

Undead Thailand

Thailand may think its pandemic-proof, but a SARS-infected bug says otherwise. One bite from this sick sucker and you turn into a zombie with piranha teeth. Convenient, then, that the first guy bitten lives in a fully occupied high-rise condo. No need to run around town biting people as there’s hundreds of bite-ables right here!

The condo is also the place where a small gang of criminals are holding a businessman’s amazingly hot daughter for ransom. Sending a martial arts student to rescue her, all these events converge into a splattery eat-a-thon, with a house pet anaconda getting turned into a zombie as well. (It grows to about 50 feet and swallows people whole without chewing. So much for savoring.)

Sealing off the building, the Thailand CDC sends in a supermodel doctor with a possible antidote. It doesn’t work and makes the zombies’ heads explode. But fortunately she’s wearing fishnets and leather hot pants under that hazmat suit. (Watch the movie and you’ll see why that’s an important plot point.)

 

The student makes a deal with the hostage hottie: if he can get her out safe, then she has to have sex with him. Done and done. Battling their way through a flood of zombies, the student gets bitten, and before he can turn into a biter, drinks a bunch of laundry detergent and powdered cleaning products to keep from coming back and hurting the girl. Amazingly, he stumbled upon a cure for zombie-itis as the soapy combination cured him. Now he can have sex. Whew!

After they knock boots in the condo’s romantic parking garage with zombies just around the corner, the snake shows up and swallows her. Then it swallows the student’s master. (Yeah, forgot to mention him. Forgot to mention the Stop Virus Bullet, too). But the master has the Green Frozen Sword and slices his way out, freeing the hottie and a criminal that was swallowed earlier.

Even with snake gunk all over it, his gun still works, and he shoots the hottie in the back. Before she dies she pulls off her mask and reveals that she’s a he. Good times — the student lost his virginity to a tranny.

Mixing anime with live zombie action, SARS War: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004) is played as a slapstick comedy, but has some really cool undead creatures. So where was the real hottie the whole time? She fell out a window wearing nothing but panties. Fortunately, a shirt hanging from a clothesline covered her shame and the soft bush below (hey, no jokes — this is a family movie) cushioned her fall. Whew!

Black Arts Supermodel

In Art of the Devil (2004), Boom is a supermodel hot Thai gal who uses voodoo to blackmail her wealthy boyfriend into giving her cash money bling for knocking her up. Oops — he’s married and has a family. Awkward.

Hell hath no fury like a supermodel scorned. Enlisting the black magic skills of a local barber by day and voodoo master by later in the day, she puts the ex in expire. She invokes him throw up a whole pile of razor blades. (I’m no expert, but aren’t those things supposed to be used on the outside of the stomach?)

Flashbacks abound with the character-heavy story showing how she was hit by a van and lost her baby. She later gives the fetus to the voodoo barber who puts it on his black magic hibachi during a ceremony. I could’ve done without seeing that.

Blood flows all over everyone’s white clothes, which is a nice contrast. Boom finds out in the end it’s not cool to kill people with the Black Arts. Anyone else left standing, well, their wounds will heal in time for the sequels (there are two more). As for the barber, I wonder how much he charges for a little off the top?

Chinese Spider-Men, Canadian Zombies, Norway Mutants

Been endlessly fascinated by foreign country poster versions of U.S. made movies, in particular, horror/sci-fi/fantasy/bromance comedies. Came across three Spider-Man: Homecoming key art renditions made in China. Pretty funny stuff, especially the one of Spider-Man riding a horse. I don’t know why, but that cracks me up. Got me thinking — wonder if there’s a foreign movie poster of, say, Iron Man pulling a rikshaw through downtown Thailand?

Whilst I go rummaging through the Internet to find one, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with plain old boring graphics…

DEMENTIA 13 (October 6, 2017/Limited — October 10/VOD)
“An old-money family is still dealing with the death of its youngest daughter several years later. While honoring the daughter’s death, a long con, an ax-wielding serial killer, and a vengeful ghost all coalesce in the same night to target the family. Everyone in the family has a secret, nobody wants to face what they did, and for someone to survive, the truth needs to come out — sooner than later.”

This is a re-boot of 1963’s Dementia 13. The actors in the new one are probably wearing more modern footwear, though. Always loved the title. I personally got through the first 12 steps of dementia, but never quite made it one more step. Probably should go on another bender to open that door.

LES AFFAMÉS (2017/2018)
In a small, remote village in upstate Quebec, things have changed. Locals are not the same anymore — their bodies are breaking down and they developed an outlandish attraction for flesh.

A French-Canadian zombie movie. Wonder if the flesh tastes like back bacon? I consulted the Big Book of Word Barf (i.e., Google Translate™) to get the English pronounceable version: The Hungry. Meh.

THELMA (November 10, 2017)
“A college student starts to experience extreme seizures while studying at a university in Oslo, Norway. As it becomes clearer that the seizures are a symptom of inexplicable, often dangerous, supernatural abilities, Thelma is confronted with tragic secrets of her past, and the terrifying implications of her powers.

Sounds like Carrie Goes To College. I wonder if her condition is from eating seizure salads in the school lunch room?

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (January 5, 2018)
“Dr. Elise Rainier, the brilliant parapsychologist, faces her most fearsome and personal haunting yet: in her own family home.”

I watched the first three Insidious movies, so guess I’ll have to watch this one, too, just to see how they tie things up. As demonic possession ghost stories go, though, they’re all quite bland, or “meh.”