Archive for Jesus

17 Godzillas, Pool Monsters, Satanic Country Clubs

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Another key art treatment for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). This would be the ninth one, and I hope they make nine more. I need to cover an entire wall that needs paint. The latest trailer asks the question, how many Titans (embiggened monsters) are there? To which Dr. Ishiro Serizawa replies: “17 — and counting.” I bet one of ‘em is living in the apartment above me, stomping on the floor like it was Tokyo.”

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

To quell your nervous anticipation for the movie, here are a few upcoming/now available horror movies that may or may not be as horrifying as a paint neglected wall…

Drowning Echo

DROWNING ECHO (available now)
“During a visit to friends, Sara begins having visions and is attacked by an unearthly creature in her friend’s swimming pool; she soon discovers that anyone who comes into contact with the water is in danger and she is driven to confront the mystical and malevolent creature lurking in the depths.”

When I was a kid and visited local community swimming pools, the unearthly creature at the bottom of the pools was usually a turd. I didn’t do it. But I know who did: Republicans.

The Velocipastor

THE VELOCIPASTOR (2019)
“After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil — and ninjas.”

So a priest who can turn into a dinosaur or “Jesus horse.” Now THERE’S a way to make religion way more interesting. Wrote about this back in 2011. Kinda surprised I can remember back that far. It was a trailer for a movie that hadn’t been made yet. Now, all these multiple months later, it’s here. Thank Dino Lord.

Hail Satan?

HAIL SATAN? (2019)
“The Satanic Temple, a mysterious organization led by Lucien Greaves, has called for a Satanic revolution to save the soul of the US.”

One nation, under Satan, for meanness and evil for all. Isn’t that what’s going on now?

Satanic Panic

SATANIC PANIC (2019/20120)
“Times are tough for Sam. Already a cancer survivor at 22, she eeks out a meager existence delivering pizza for minimum wage — and minimum tips — while dealing with an exploitative boss and obnoxious coworkers. When the final delivery of the night promises to take her to a wealthy neighborhood with the chance of a healthy tip, she takes the opportunity to make up for an unprofitable shift. What begins as a quest for cash ends up as a quest for survival, though, when it turns out her customers aren’t who she’s used to delivering to. Instead, they’re a Satanic cult of a very different color: high-society elites for whom worshiping the Dark Lord coexists with country clubs and casseroles.”

A high-society Satanic cult that hangs out in country clubs and eats pizza and casseroles instead of chi-tos (heh)? Clearly, there are more perks to being evil than originally assessed.

Sculpted Monsters, Devil’s Food, Undead Nazi Airbnb

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shin Ghidorah

As the countdown clock has begun for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019), talk around the grocery store (condiments aisle) is that King Ghidorah, one of G’s most formidable foes, will somehow be involved in an epic fracas that will no doubt end up with garbage cans being tipped over and flower gardens thoughtlessly trampled on. The implications are staggering.

Godzilla

On the eve of what looks to be the biggest Godzilla movie of all time and space, comes an incredible art piece of King Ghidorah reimagined as Shin Ghidorah from crazy talented 3D sculptor/artist, Dope Pope. (And no, “Shin” does not refer to KG’s legs.)

Gigan

You can buy this must-have illustration online. While you’re salivating, take a look at Dope Pope’s other otherworldly 3D illustrations: everything from Godzilla and Mutos, to Gigan and the Cloverfield Monster. (DP designs monsters for video games and Jesus. Kidding — no word on whether Dope Pope has even met Godzilla’s son, Jesuszilla.)

Dope Pope

Before you put your bus change into an envelope and mail it to Dope Pope, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as dope as the Pope…

The Devil's Restaurant

THE DEVIL’S RESTAURANT (available now)
“A struggling restaurant manager makes a deal with the Devil, who lures endless patrons to his flailing restaurant, but in return the manager must feed the guests to a demon who lurks in the basement. Business is booming, and the reviews are glowing, that is until an unwitting waiter stumbles into the basement.”

Order the filet of soul — I hear it’s to die for.

The Banished

THE BANISHED (available now)
“A disabled man is haunted by the torture he suffered as a child when his terminally ill half-sister returns to their small Upstate New York town seeking answers to why their mother abandoned her 40 years before, which sets them both on a tragic and horrific journey.”

Yeesh — if I knew I was terminally ill, I’d be going to Disneyland™ instead of Upstate New York where I seriously doubt they have a Splash Mountain™.

Living Space

LIVING SPACE (aka, Nazi Undead/available now)
“A romantic holiday in Germany turns into a nightmare when a young couple discover that their lodgings are haunted by the ghost of a Nazi SS officer convicted for the murder of his family. Trapped in a vortex of horror, they must escape the house or suffer the same fate.”

Missed this one when it had a limited release in 2018. (I was planning my vacation to spelunk Splash Mountain™.) I may have tagged this one before, but am just too unmotivated (hungover) to check. Originally titled Living Space, it was changed to Nazi Undead for the DVD/VOD release. That has more zing.

Perfect

PERFECT (June 21, 2019)
“A mother sends an emotionally-troubled young man to a clinic, where modernist serenity whispers soothing promises of perfection. By planting plug-and-play characteristics directly into his own body, he is relieved of his dark, twisted visions, but his body pays the price for purity of mind.”

Sounds like me after a week of binge-drinking.

Soul Police

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Soul Guardians

Religious fanatics are so stupid. First, they get a bunch of people to believe in their spiritual B.S., and then get them to do a group suicide. Poor business model — no one left to pass the collection plate. 

The Soul Guardians

One woman, part of the cult who killed themselves in the name of RELIGION, survived. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at being spiritual. And she’s pregnant. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at birth control. To pay for this blasphemy she dies giving birth. Let that be a lesson to not mock RELIGION. 

The Soul Guardians

Her daughter grows up to be 20 years old. This coincides with yet another group of religious freaks committing suicide. There’s an up and down side to this scenario if you think about it. The police think a serial killer is to blame. Sort of. Three “soul guardians” show up, looking like regular people, but with mystical powers that don’t include heat vision or the ability to shoot spider webbing out of their arm holes. Too bad. But they’re here for a reason. 

The Soul Guardians

The Forces of Darkness are using the girl to help Satan get back to Earth, thereby causing more of the above. (I didn’t know Satan lived in outer space; isn’t he supposed to be at the center of Earth’s core, eating the Damned with a side of lava? Clearly, I have the wrong version of the Bible.)

The Soul Guardians

The Soul Guardians (1998; called Toemarok in its homeland of South Korea), has more visual special effects than a religious fanatic’s conception of Heaven, and looks as slick as a televangelist. But evil doesn’t look evil enough, there are no steaming entrails or vomit-covered collection plates. I have to give props to the “soul knife,” though. That thing was cool and I wish to own one. Maybe if I rub the lamp harder, Jesus will pop out and grant me my fondest desires. 

The Soul Guardians, while mildly entertaining and whiz-bang visuals, needed more evil and less goodness. Or visa versa.

Meet The New Gods, Same As The Old Gods

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clash of the Titans

When you think about it, Clash of the Titans (the remake, 2010), is Greek mythology’s version of Christianity. You have God (Zeus), Satan (Hades) and Jesus (Perseus), all playing with the lives and minds of humanity. Kinda like beer.

Clash of the Titans

In this case, Argos, a city of the unwashed, is fed up with the Gods not answering their prayers, and destroys all graven images. This, of course, angers the Gods, and they let Hades make them pay for their blasphemy.

Clash of the Titans

The Gods call for the sacrifice of the queen’s supermodel hot daughter, Andromeda. If they don’t BBQ her alive in 10 days they will unleash the Kraken, a mega creature feared by the Gods themselves. Probably because the darn thing is twice the size of Argos and has a wide variety of long tentacles with which to crush and knock over stuff. Just looking at it will cause you to colorize your toga.

Clash of the Titans

Giant scorpions, snake women, gargoyle harpies, flying horses, the KrakenChristianity was never this cool or fun.

Debbie Does Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Soulkeeper

Two wisecracking guys work for the mysterious M (ala Charlie’s Angels), “acquiring” stuff for the eccentric rich. They get a freelance assignment to “acquire” the Lazarus Stone, a rock that rocks, meaning, it opens the door between the dead and the living. (Same as the one on the Poggie Tavern.)

Soulkeeper

Before you know it, our heroes are knee deep in stink vampires, stink monsters, stink demons, and smelly hookers, the latter of which they partake as perks of the job. The boys have to get to the L-Stone before this Anti-Jesus does, or else all heck-a-roo will break loose.

Soulkeeper

Double hip, double smart, and dialogue so double sharp, you can cut your hair with it. Too many great one-liners to illustrate here, but there is a great sex scene between one of the guys and Debbie (or “Deborah”) Gibson, giving him an off-screen slobber knobber, and then turns into the guy’s mom. Flippin’ hilarious.

Soulkeeper

If you’re worn out from years of watching sub-grade horror, you should probably rent Soulkeeper (2001). When you do, invite me over so I can watch it again. And would it kill you to have some chips and dip laid out when I get there?

Hey, Godzilla – Go To Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla In Hell

Over the decades Godzilla has bumped uglies with every foe’ker possible (with the exception of the Jesus). On March 1, 2016, G-Man is facing off with the world’s biggest collection of wrongness, with the release of the graphic novel mini-series, Godzilla In Hell (IDW Publishing).

The concept is open mouth drool-worthy, what with – as the press release tells me/us/you — “Godzilla meeting his greatest adversary of all time: the impossible tortures of Hell!” Here’s how this particular slice of genius sets up…

“In each issue of Godzilla In Hell special mini-series will see Godzilla enter a new level of the Underworld to do battle with the impossible by a variety of today’s best writers and artists.”

Godzilla In Hell

It’s safe to say that his new monster enemies won’t be of the rubber-suited variety, seeing as Hell’s temperature gauge is set at a comfy 183 Fahrenheit, two degrees higher than the point rubber melts. (It’s also a safe bet he won’t be going up against Plastic Man, either.)

Seems to me I heard tell of Godzilla in Hell back in the early settler days of July, 2015. A few clicks here and there brought me to IDWpublishing.com, where they have the 32-page comic ($3.99) posted as being “out of stock.” To further the madness, WikiZilla™ has this to say about that: “Godzilla In Hell #5 is the last issue of Godzilla In Hell. It was released on November 18th, 2015.”

Godzilla 2014

The press release says March 1st, 2016, but everybody else says “been there done that.” So is the new one a compilation released under one cover? Are they re-issuing the issues? Are they gonna pick up where #5 left off? Are the previous publications a fig newton of my imagination? I’m all f’d up about it. Either way, someone on the internet is a liar.

But hey, any day with Godzilla in it is a good day. Unless you live in downtown Japan.

Godzilla vs. Jesus

Yelling About Hell

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jeruzalem

Full of themselves and/or self-righteousness, bible believers tell (i.e., violently scream from street corners) that there are three gates to Hell, alternate entrances in case the line to get in is too long. One is in the desert (lots of free parking), one is in the ocean (charter a boat and get in a little fishing while you’re at it) and one is in Jerusalem, famous religious tourist trap and home of all things worship-y.

JeruZalem, a new found footage horror movie releasing January 22, 2016, takes us there for a little “end of days” judgment, with violent screaming from street corners, divine bloodletting and zombie angels, hence the “Z”, a not-so-subtle cash-in on that other religion.

Jeruzalem

Here’s your penance: “Two American girls on vacation follow a mysterious anthropology student on a trip to Jerusalem. The party is cut short when the trio is caught in the middle of a biblical apocalypse. Trapped between the ancient walls of the holy city, they must find a way out as the fury of Hell is unleashed upon them.”

Couple of thoughts: Jerusalem/JeruZalem, or “Jesus Spring Break,” with all its biblical background, doesn’t seem like a go-to party place. (A dancing foot does not belong on a praying knee.)

Jeruzalem

Secondly, as this is a found footage flick (and after watching the trailer), there’s always one person who keeps the camera rolling no matter what demonic entity is eating your friend’s face. That alone makes you wanna thump their bible.

On that note, I’m a non-believer in camera batteries that never run out of juice. That film keeps rolling after hours and hours when my cell phone conks out after only one hour on 1-800-Boobie-Chat seems so blasphemous. Maybe the movie batteries are made by…DuraHell™. (C’mon, that was comedy gold…)