Archive for humanoid

Future Sharks and Penguins

Posted in Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortal

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Immortal

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

ImmortalThe plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Immortal

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

ImmortalThe Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

Desert UFOs

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Objective

Did a capsule review of The Objective (2008) back in the waning hours of 2011. And because you’ve been biting your nails in anticipation for a comprehensive throw down every since, I give to you the full meal deal…

The Objective

A CIA operative (I don’t know what that is) leads six elite special forces military guys into the Afghanistan desert to hunt and shoot terrorists. There’s a whole lotta nothing out there: a few rocks, some dirt, a bunch of bugs, a UFO

The Objective

The CIA guy uses hi-tech heat-sensing equipment to film anomalies (lights, shapes, triangles that look like the Master Control Program in Tron/1982), and beaming the images back via satellite uplink. A peek through the infrared camera shows humanoid shapes walking into a triangle. The naked eye, however, sees nothing. Freakin’ freaky.

The Objective

Nervous nerves getting frayed to the point of insubordination, the CIA agent explains they’ve known about the “visitors” for years, and that their mission wasn’t to seek out terrorists and shoot them in the belief system, but to gather more information and see if we could borrow their other-world technology to, like, conquer this world.

The Objective

Interesting concept, but the weak pay off makes me think that maybe we aren’t being visited by aliens after all, and that I’ve just been wasting my time thinking so. I’m gonna shift my theories back over to Bigfoot. He won’t let me down.

Alcoholic Alien

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Man Who Fell To Earth

Thomas Jerome Newton is a humanoid alien from a distant planet. It’s oddly comforting to know that even on other worlds, having a first, last and middle name is a universal rule.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

Mercurial rock icon David Bowie plays Thomas, the bald alien with cat pupils. He was the perfect choice for this sci-fi pic as Bowie IS an alien. So he comes to Earth looking for water as his home planet is as dried up as the condoms in my bathroom.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

His wife and kid on Planet Dust are thirstier than all get out, but they have to wait while Thomas makes millions off his electronic inventions so that he can afford to build a spaceship and bring mom and offspring some Space Kool-Aid™. Not sure why he simply didn’t bring ’em along and drop ’em off at the pool.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

While on this planet, Thomas gets himself a “goes all the way” girlfriend. (What happens on Earth, stays on Earth.) He also goes all the way into TV, personal firearms and other great trappings about this planet. But his new friends, like every human, can be bribed, which the government does to get the inside scoop on this effeminate extraterrestrial.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

They strap him to a chair and subject him to painful probing experiments. During the course of these “finger exams,” Thomas becomes a full-blown alcoholic. (Wouldn’t you? Earth hooch is so darn tasty.) And because of his earth-condition, he can never go back to his parched family. Time to drink the grief away.

Bowie is totally convincing as an alien in The Man Who Fell To Earth (1976), probably because he’s from outer freakin’ space. And his 1969 “Space Oddity,” a song about going face first into the galaxy and not coming back – those lyrics are for real, man.