Archive for wizard

Horrifying Halloween Words

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror Words

From hardcore Christians to shopping mall Wiccans, everybody is jumping on this year’s Halloween season LimeBike™, trying to cash in as much as possible. So I’m gonna do the same thing, except I’m doing it for free. (Yep, the Wizard of Wall Street right here.)

Thus, behold a collection of horror-themed words/logos that you can use for any of your design work and/or tattoo flash. I created this some years ago, scanning the art and converting to the EPS (encapsulated postscript) format and, for those who don’t do art-tech speak, a PDF (portable document format). If you have any graphics app, you can open these files and go straight to crazy town.

If you do anything cool with this stuff, send me a pic or screenshot. I promise not to tell your mom/primary caregiver.

Anyway, download HERE (EPS) and HERE (PDF).

And may the Gods of Halloween not put razors in your nutritious trick-or-treat candy.

Chinese Demon Sex

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Erotic Ghost Story

If you’re in the mood for sub-titled foreign fantasy horror that has lots and lots of soft-core sex, tops to bottoms naked nudity and a three-headed demon, you need look no further than Erotic Ghost Story (1990), a Chinese cult classic.

Erotic Ghost Story

In ancient days, three fairy ghosts get turned into human as busom-y, sexually gassed up gals. The supernatural rule says that if they can maintain their busom-y forms for 36 days, they will become immortal. Sounds simple enough until a Taoist priest with sorcery powers warns them not to give into their growing urge to merge – or pay the consequences. Taoist priests can be such buzzkills.

Erotic Ghost Story

The girls – So-So, Fei-Fei, and Hua-Hua – were doing just fine until the fires down below start burning. They play with themselves. They play with each other. And they play with Wu Ming, a young scholar living nearby. One by one, each seduces him – ON THE SAME DAY – in what can only be described as prolonged, up close and personal boinking. The longing ladies don’t know it, but they just knocked clogs with a demon, which explains how he could rise to the occasion three times ON THE SAME DAY.

Erotic Ghost Story

A love rectangle forms and all four frolic nakedly in hot spring ponds, squeeze and grope and splish splash water on each other. One day, while giving their loins some much needed time off, the gals discover their bodies are slowly changing into animal form. (STDs were kinda different back in ancient days.)

Erotic Ghost Story

Not happy about this, they go to Wu Ming’s hut to find out what’s what, only to see he has their uppity neighbor lady stripped and strung up while he changes into his demon form to get in a little happy time. A failed confrontation complete with colored lightning, wind and swirly beams has the gals beaten. Wu Ming then casts a spell that hypnotizes them into taking off their clothes and turning green. (These days it only takes a six or seven cocktails.)

Erotic Ghost Story

Before Ming can do his thing, the magical Taoist priest flys out of the sky to battle the demon, who has now revealed his true three-headed self. The priest unleashes in the east and the problem is solved, but not before he reprimands the now re-dressed/de-greened girls. Taoist priests can be such buzzkills.

Note to reader: Please get permission from your mom to watch this movie.

Hippie Wizard

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Simon, King of the Witches

“My name is Simon. I live in a storm drain.”

The first line of dialogue from Simon, King of The Witches, one of the most comedic straight-played psychedelic “horror” movies of the early Seventies (1971 to hit the nail on the head).

Simon, King of the Witches

Yep, Simon Sinestrari is homeless, broke and dripping with the kind of chunky liquids that frequent the sewer systems. “Many call me a warlock. But I am one of the true magicians.” Forty seconds into the movie and you’re wondering why Simon isn’t conjuring himself a rain coat and a penicillin shot.

Simon, King of the Witches

A true huckster who believes in his own huck, Simon hooks up with a male prostitute (as friends – don’t get your freak on), who introduces the scheming wizard to a world of illegal drugs and the kinds of Wiccan parties your parents used to have when they weren’t thinking of having you. Oh, and there’s a goat. (Hey, the thing was important to the plot.) It’s here Simon works the crowd for coins and croissants.

Simon, King of the Witches

Simon’s best magic trick is keeping a straight face when repeatedly chanting a goofy spells to get laid. Example – Naked, Simon fiddles with a dagger while standing over an equally naked chick on a ceremonial buffet table. “Charge, magnetic, charge, electric…” The knife flings out of his hand as he embarrassingly shrugs, “I failed.” Statistically, that happens to all warlocks at one time or another.

Simon, King of the Witches

Wading through puddles of LOL dialogue, Simon’s Rent-a-Center™ magic skills puts him face-to-face with a glowing, floating red ball that comes complete with its own hippie sci-fi soundtrack to indicate it’s great and powerful power. The glow ball leads Simon to a talking floor-length mirror, which is really an entrance to another realm. Of course Simon has to go through the looking glass – he’s a wizard, man.

Simon, King of the Witches

So what does he encounter? Swirly hippie visuals, a chick in a nightie begging for help, more space-y visuals ripped off from 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). Like all good parties, it has to come to an end – with a cop bust, an O.D.’d chick, a corrupt District Attorney, and two freaked out drug pushers, who track him down to his drain condo stab Simon in the gut drain four times with a dagger of all things.

Simon, King of the Witches

But hey, Simon is the king of witches, b*tches – his disembodied voice floats over things floating in the sewer as he sums it up from beyond: “Death is only temporary. Think about that for a while…”

I will, Simon. I will.

Extreme Wizardry

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Boxer's Omen

A mysterious ghost monk needs a revenge-seeking gangsta’s help, and leads him to a temple where the criminal finds out he’s the ancestral twin of the monk who was murdered by a bad wizard and can’t achieve immortality until the curse is lifted.

The Boxer's Omen

Here’s the b*tch of it all – he’s due to die in two weeks. So he trains to be a Buddhist monk, shaves his head, swears off pre-marital sex, booze, drugs and all the good-for-you things in life. If I had two weeks to live, I’d do the EXACT OPPOSITE of that last sentence.

The Boxer's Omen

The impending black magic battle is where this sucker gets disgustingly surreal: a chicken is cut open, its guts eaten raw and regurgitated and to create spells. Spiders with poisonous needles attack; The wizard pulls his own head off and uses the dangling veins and muscle tissue to tie up the new monk.

The Boxer's Omen

A freakin’ huge alligator is later cut open and its guts eaten. A maggot-covered mummy is stuffed in the belly of the unfortunate reptile, additional regurgitation, a few spells, lovely scented candles and a naked evil priestess is reborn out of the gator to battle the new monk. All of the above: ick.

The Boxer's Omen

But thinking he had previously bested the bad wizard, the gangsta lied to Buddha and goes back to his pre-marital sex ways. So the curse is reinstated unless he can find the deceased monk’s Golden Ashes from another temple way the fart far away and do battle with the priestess and bad wizard one more freakin’ time. The animal gut eating is real, as are the maggots. I’m not sure if the bad wizard really pulled his own head off, but it sure looked authentic to me.

The Boxer's Omen

Boobies, blood, body goosh, alligator gut feasts, maggots… You can look but you aren’t likely to find a horror movie as surreal and messed up as The Boxer’s Omen (1983). And I try ALL the time. P.S. If I screwed up describing the plot, it’s because the movie is in Japanese and I don’t know what that is.