Archive for the Werewolves Category

Expensive Aliens, World War Werewolves, Wrinkled Time

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien

The seriously talented folks at studioADI have come up with jaw-dropping, stand-alone art pieces based on the creatures in Alien3 (1992). Alien: Resurrection (1997). Too bad they didn’t do one of Ripley in her space underwear in Alien (1979). That was a groundbreaking moment in modern sci-fi.

Alien

Among the holiday dinner centerpieces are the Alien Warrior Half Head ($3,000/limited to 150), the Alien Newborn ($2,000/limited to 100) and the more affordable Alien Queen Embryo ($400). Each of these large and magnificently created xenomorphs will make you scream with glee — or just plain scream. (Don’t do that in space — no one can hear you.)

Alien

If you have a pocket full of space Benjamins, you can click HERE to procure one or more of the coveted designs.

While we’re ransacking the swear jar (mine’s full), here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look cool on your occasional table…

Infinity Chamber

INFINITY CHAMBER (available now)
“Locked up in an automated prison, Frank Lerner undergoes an interrogation process that forces him to relive the same day over and over. When a war erupts on the outside, he must find a way to escape from a computer system that won’t let him go.”

Hate to break it to you, Frankie — you’re actually in a cubicle in an office building downtown at your day job. And if you’re married? Another prison. Sucks to be you.

Islamic Exorcist

ISLAMIC EXORCIST (available now)
“An Indian couple are devastated when their adopted daughter becomes possessed by a demon. After the father shoots her to death, an investigative journalist delves into the couple’s scary past.”

This is said to have been released out last July (2017, in case you forgot what year this is). Demonic entities are supposed to e-mail me when these types of movies come out. I don’t have time to be checking their Linkedin pages.

Werewolves of the Third Reich

WEREWOLVES OF THE THIRD REICH (December 5, 2017)
“In Germany at the height of World War II, a ragtag group of American soldiers discover Doctor Mengele’s diabolical plan to create an unstoppable army of Nazi werewolves.”

Nazi werewolves. Wonder if they bark in German? The German word for “bark” is “borke.” Wonder if the Nazi werewolves borke in German?

A Wrinkle In Time

A WRINKLE IN TIME (March 9, 2018)
“Meg Murry and her little brother, Charles Wallace, have been without their scientist father, Mr. Murry, for five years, ever since he discovered a new planet and used the concept known as a tesseract to travel there. Joined by Meg’s classmate Calvin O’Keefe and guided by the three mysterious astral travelers known as Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who and Mrs. Which, the children brave a dangerous journey to a planet that possesses all of the evil in the universe.”

This is the latest adaption of the same-named 1962 science fantasy novel written by Madeleine L’Engle. (I quit reading books when I found out the TV had multiple channels.) It’s a big-budget movie with lots of big time movie stars. This means paying big bucks to see it on the Imax™ screen will put a wrinkle in your wallet.

 

 

Crayon Horror, Rodent Republicans, Werewolf Babies

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beauty of Horror III

The horror genre is colorful (where would the popularity of movie screen blood be if it was puce?), so why not make a coloring book based on it. Or how about two coloring books? Better still, three coloring books?

The Beauty of Horror

Enter The Beauty of Horror 3: Haunted Playgrounds coloring book by Alan Robert, arriving July 2018 from IDW Publishing. Time to bust out those old Crayola crayons and get your Picasso on.

Crayola

Speaking of the world’s most favorite drawing implement this side of a chisel and stone tablet (a bit cumbersome, but makes a rather bold statement), in 2008 Crayola had 120 colors from which to augment your graffiti. Colorful memories recall Macaroni & Cheese, Atomic Tangerine, Inch Worm, and my favorite, Beaver (a metaphorical cross between Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown and Tickle Me Pink.) Today’s Crayola colors number in the billions. Or so I’ve heard. (No word whether or not “Shard” made the grade.)

While you contemplate that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stay inside the lines…

Ratpocalypse

RATPOCALYPSE (December 12, 2017)
American Senator John Perryman, a man of pure and humble soul with a warrior’s disposition, delivers a fiery speech in Moscow about the country’s main evil — corruption. A corruption so pervasive it will turn men into “rats.” He declares that he was ordered from above to speak to them and threatens everyone with the loss of their human form, which draws only guffaws and resentment from the people. Many take the Senator for a madman as gradually, all his friends and relatives turn away from him. Eventually the Senator meets a mysterious girl in the streets who seems to be his guardian angel but soon, everything he talked about in Moscow begins to come true, triggering panic in Russia and around the world.”

If I were to choose a parasitic form for politicians to morph into, it’d be butt worms. Oh wait, that already happened. Still, rat-faced politicians, while new to movies, is nothing out of the ordinary. Just turn on the news.

OCCUPATION (2018)
“After a devastating intergalactic attack on Earth, the last surviving humans must band together for the sake of survival. As war looms, and the struggle to stay alive worsens, they realize the only way to save the human race is to stay one step ahead of their attackers and strike back.”

Wow. That couldn’t be a more limp sausage, generic press release. And why “intergalactic”? Couldn’t they have just said, “beyond Earthly confines”? That sounds way more science-y.

Good Manners

GOOD MANNERS (aka, As Boas Maneiras/2018)
“Clara, a lonely nurse from the outskirts of São Paulo, is hired by mysterious and wealthy Ana to care for and protect her son after he is born not looking like a human.”

A Brazilian horror movie foreignly released summer/August of 2017, that, while given the U.S. title of Good Manners, actually translates to The Good Ways. Absolutely none of the above works at all as the newborn is a werewolf. (Not a spoiler; it’s all over the Internet thingamajig.) And while we’re on the subject, since when does a newborn look anything like a human? I’m thinkin’ more of along the lines of shaved peaches. (Come to think of it, that could be another cool Crayola color.)

The Toybox

THE TOYBOX (2018)
“A family goes on a cross-country trip across America and get stranded in the desert by a supernatural force that is slowly killing them off.”

Yep, someone busted a grumpy in the RV toilet and didn’t jiggle the handle. The same supernatural force can be experienced walking into a gas station restroom.

Staged Evil, Shamed Werewolves, Flesh-Eating Spiders

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Exorcist

With the Catholic church constantly sweeping demonic possession under those “authentic” Shroud of Turin throw rugs they sell in church gift shops, it’s a rare treat to see a live person turned into swear jar cursing, green liquid spewing vessel for Satan. Outside of The Poggie Tavern, of course.

The ExorcistWith the stage adaptation of The Exorcist now playing in London at the Phoenix Theatre (lucky buggers), you get to see all of that and more for the mere pittance of anywhere from £15.00 to £75.00 plus £3.50 transaction fee. (In U.S. Benjamins: $11.47 – probably nosebleed seating to $57.37 – show-off). The transaction fee in U.S. is $2.68. Heck, you could buy a small statuette of the Devil stamped with “I’m Totally Evil” in the church gift shop for that amount. (FYI — they don’t float in the bathtub.)

The Exorcist

From the press release: “After spawning five films and a television series on FOX, William Peter Blatty’s The Exorcist is now a stage adaptation at the UK’s Phoenix Theatre, playing October 26, 2017 through March 10, 2018. Unleashed onto the West End stage for the very first time, the play is ‘a uniquely theatrical experience’ directed by award-winning film and theatre director, Sean Mathias.”

“A uniquely theatrical experience” means the first three rows are gonna get wet.

For those of us who have more pounds than £s, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth sitting in the first three rows for…

Blood Bound

BLOOD BOUND (2018)
“Bound to an ancient pact, a family of unlimited power descend upon a small rural town to sacrifice four human lives, one being a member of their own family.”

My first thought was vampires. But the same plot can be applied to any family Thanksgiving dinner.

A Hole In The Ground

A HOLE IN THE GROUND (2018)
“A young single mother is trapped between rationality and the unexplained as she becomes convinced her little boy has been transformed by something sinister from the depths of a mysterious sinkhole.”

Recalls Jug Face (2013). The storyline to that plot boiler is a jaw dropper: “Pregnant with her brother’s child, a teen tries to escape from her backwoods community after learning that she is to be sacrificed to a creature that lives in a deep pit.” There are so many things wrong with that sentence. For instance, “backwoods community”? That seems so condescending.

Slice

SLICE (2018)
“When a pizza delivery driver is murdered on the job, the city searches for someone to blame. Ghosts? Drug dealers? A disgraced werewolf?”

Kinda makes you wonder what disgraced the werewolf. Did he run past a fire hydrant without sniffing and/or peeing on it? Did he shave? Is he a vegetarian? If one or more, the death penalty would be too lenient.

Guardians of the Tomb

GUARDIANS OF THE TOMB (2018)
“A team of scientists, who while making the discovery of the century, lose a colleague in an ancient labyrinth. The group must battle their way through a swarm of deadly, man-eating funnel web spiders and discover the secret behind the arachnids’ power and intelligence — before it’s too late.”

There’s an alternate title for this one: Nest 3D. That would only work if it had words like “Giant Garbage”, “Giant Mutant Cow” or Giant Money” before the word “Nest.” Still, they reeled me in with “man-eating funnel web spiders.” That’s the kind of term you only hear in discount restaurant kitchens.

Alien Ranchers, Ghost Tours, Orc Police

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Skinwalker Ranch

According to the New York Post, the “alien-infested” ranch (located in Rainbow Valley, about an hour or “60 minutes” west of Phoenix, AZ) is on the market for a mere $5,000,000.00. Chump change, in other words. Why would I dare say that? Who wouldn’t want aliens dropping by for a sittin’ down gabfest?

Skinwalker Ranch

Known officially as Stardust Ranch, this extraterrestrial pit stop is where land owner John Edmonds insists he’s engaged in “I know you are but what am I?” confrontation with hostile aliens, whom he dispatched with (wait for it)…a Samurai sword. Edmonds said that in the past 20 years, he has experienced many “strange events” involving aliens and claims to have killed more than a dozen extraterrestrials on his sprawling ranch. (He even has alien bloodstains on his front porch to prove it.)

Skinwalker Ranch

Sound familiar? It should — this is practically a direct lift from Sherman Ranch, aka Skinwalker Ranch, located a few rock throws from southeast Ballard, UT. The story was the basis for the Skinwalker Ranch movie, released in 2013. That one not only had not-so-neighborly aliens trespassing through land mines of cow/horse patties (yo, space dudes — you ever hear of wiping your feet?), but UFO sightings (duh — the aliens had to get there somehow), crop circles (see “cow/horse patties”), ghosts, glowing orbs and even a Bigfoot-esque creature. (In the movie it was a werewolf.)

Skinwalker Ranch

So ridiculously enticing is this place, it was purchased (or “bought”) by the National Institute for Discovery Science to “study anecdotal sightings.” I should like to apply for a job with the National Institute for Discovery Science.

While they process my 400-page résumé, here are a few just-released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave animal business tracks on your carpet or “floor”…

The UFO Conclusion

THE UFO CONCLUSION (available now/VOD)
“What is the alien agenda? And why has the government gone to such great lengths to stifle the overwhelming evidence that otherworldly creatures exist? Some of our greatest minds unveil the truth behind this massive cover-up.”

Don’t need a massive mind to know the existence of aliens has been covered up by REPUBLICANS for decades. Still, nice to see somebody besides a drunk redneck talk in complete sentences about extraterrestrials.

Ravenswood

RAVENSWOOD (available now/VOD)
“When four American tourists go on a ghost tour, they get much more than they bargained when the spirits of an evil doctor and his last victim trap them in an old abandoned psychiatric ward.”

Um, when you go on a hot dog farm tour, you pretty much expect to see hot dog trees, yes? So it stands to reason a ghost tour is gonna have some transparent entities. They better — I’d hate to pay all that money and not see one. (I’m looking in your direction, Hot Dog Farm Tours.)

Incident In A Ghost Land

INCIDENT IN A GHOST LAND (October 28, 2017)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. Sixteen years later the daughters reunite at the house — and that is when things get strange.”

So they give away mom was killed, simply by telling us the intruders were “murderous.” Thanks, jerks. Wonder if mom’s ghost comes back to see her daughters when they go back to the murder house?

Bright

BRIGHT (December, 2017/Netflix)
“In an alternate present day, humans, orcs, elves and fairies have been coexisting since the beginning of time. Two police officers, one a human, the other an orc, embark on a routine night patrol that will alter the future of their world as they know it. Battling both their own personal differences as well as an onslaught of enemies, they must work together to protect a young female elf and a thought-to-be-forgotten relic, which, in the wrong hands, could destroy everything.”

They had me at the forgotten relic that could destroy everything. Word around the grocery aisles is that the budget for this Netflix™-made movie is $90 million fun bucks. Pffft — I could make TWO movies for that price and STILL have enough left over to take a tour of that Hot Dog Farm.

Real Bigfeet, Ghost Relatives, Homeless Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot

Finally — inarguable photographic proof of Bigfoot’s existence. This recent, highly convincing picture of Bigfoot relieving himself next to a pond should silence all those blow-hard debunkers. What else do you need — a urine sample?

Bigfoot

This astonishing pic, credited to David Raygoza, was taken at Avocado Lake in Northern California, where Bigfoot is factually known to hang out. This story was reported to Fox 26 by Jeffrey Gonzalez, a self-described paranormal expert, who said he heard about the sighting from a local farmer who also claimed he saw the cool cryptid and five others running on his ranch near said lake.

Bigfoot

“One of them, which was extremely tall, had a pig over its shoulder,” Gonzalez said. “And the five scattered and the one with the pig was running so fast it didn’t see an irrigation pipe and it tripped, with the pig flying over.”

Aha — there you go! Most people said they wouldn’t believe in Bigfoot until pigs fly. I rest my case.

While we pack up and head for Avocado Lake to share some farm fresh bacon with Bigfoot, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi films passed down through unverified second-hand sources…

Antihuman

ANTIHUMAN (available now/VOD)
“A young woman returns to the secluded, abandoned psychological research facility where her deceased mother once worked. Accompanied by three friends, she discovers that the ghosts of the past have found their way to the present when the hospital’s legacy of experimentation and madness tears away all known bounds of time, memory and space.”

I don’t have any ghosts from my past. A few werewolves, a science mistake or two, but no ghosts. Which is weird because I have a history of experimentation and madness. It’s practically my corporate slogan.

After The Lethargy

AFTER THE LETHARGY (2017/Stiges Film Festival)
“Reporter Sara travels to the hot spot where one of the most extraordinary contacts with extraterrestrials in history supposedly took place. A forest ranger and a sinister villager, accompany the girl, helping her to overcome the dangers that nature entails. Despite good intentions, they will soon be attacked by a creature that lives in the depths of the forest, being forced to take refuge in an old abandoned military barracks.”

There’s so many of those pesky extraterrestrials on Earth now, they’re living in our abandoned military barracks and under our bridges by the freeway in tents that look like Gore-Texspaceships.

Haunted

HAUNTED (November 24, 2017/Norway)
“When Catherine’s father passes away, she has to travel to the abandoned family estate to facilitate the sale. Catherine wants to get it done quickly to avoid digging too deep in her family’s mysterious past. However, the house makes a strong impression on Catherine, but why does she remember so little? The locals tell stories of mysterious disappearances and possible murders. Confronted with the past, old wounds are torn up and Catherine becomes immersed in what she has been protected from, but may also have chosen to forget?”

Unless you had killer heavy metal vomit parties there all the time in the past, of course you’d want to forget. Then again, you probably wouldn’t be able to remember anything if those parties were any good.

The Midnight Man

THE MIDNIGHT MAN (2017/2018)
“Alex and her two friends commence a game summoning the fearsome Midnight Man. Using their worst fears against them, and not above a bit of manipulation when it’s called for, The Midnight Man plays to win in a game that Alex — and others before her — definitely started at their own risk.”

There are so many movies (and books) called Midnight Man, I actually went out at midnight expecting to see the streets teeming with MMs bumping into each other. Instead, I just saw drunks coming out of bars. So I guess that kinda counts. So THIS Midnight Man seems to recall so many horror movie plots, the streets are teeming with them. And those plots were written by writers who were clearly drunk.

Werewolves, Vampires, Electric Sheep

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween Horrorthon

Insanely cool ad art to promote the upcoming 2017 Halloween Horrorthon on Saturday, October 21 at the Cinema Arts Centre in Huntington, NY. Presented by the groovy folk at Retro Picture Show, the all night horror movie marathon is scheduled to include 35mm screenings of Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982), House of 1000 Corpses (2003), Scream Blacula Scream (1973), Psycho III (1986), Tourist Trap (1979) and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974). All that’s missing are Horrorthon-branded pajamas and a mix ‘n match blankie.

Halloween Horrorthon

If you want the event poster, which designed by artist Marc Schoenbach and inspired by Halloween 3, its available as a 24” x 36” print, as well as a several versions of T-shirts. (What — no ’jammies?) And it won’t slash your wallet — most everything Horrorthon for sale is $20. Buy tickets to the marathon and e-purchase the goodie-goods HERE.

For those of us not within Uber™ spitting distance of Huntington, NY, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi flicks that may or may not make you stain your jams…

Predatory Moon

PREDATORY MOON (available now)
Kyle Reading investigates an alleged bear attack where the survivor is showing unusual symptoms. Unfortunately for him, there is someone who sees an advantage to having a stranger in town who cries ‘werewolf’.”

Bears get all the credit every time someone sees something big and hairy in the woods. (Which is why I don’t venture into the underbrush to enjoy a private moment every now and again.) Even Bigfoot himself has been described as fake news and that he’s nothing more than a bear standing on two legs, all the while swinging his knuckle-dragging arms around as if on So You Think You Can Dance. Maybe its a were-bear. Common mistake.

Monsters Among Men

MONSTERS AMONG MEN (available now)
“An egocentric businessman awakens deep in the woods to find he has been abducted by a subversive group of vampires disguised and living among us. He must not only escape their clutches, but save his beloved girlfriend before time, the truth, and his kidnappers catch up with him.”

Geez, vampires desperate enough to kidnap egocentric businessmen? They must be really hungry to dine on corporate b-holes. Maybe we should open a blood bank and give all the vampires ATM cards. It’s the Christian thing to do.

The Virus

THE VIRUS (available now)
“A group of film students find a top secret test facility hidden in the wilderness. Unknown to them, the hospital was ground zero for a large-scale test of a truth serum based ten years earlier; a test that went disastrously wrong. Now infected with the deadly virus, the students fight against time, guards, each other and an inability to lie to find the truth.”

Cracks me up that scientists have been trying to develop a truth serum when alcohol has been doing a fine job of making people unbury their secrets since the dawn of time. In fact, I plan on having a six-pack of truth serum tonight.

Phillip K. Dick's Electric Dreams

PHILLIP K. DICK’S ELECTRIC DREAMS (2017/2018/Amazon Prime™)
“From the mind of the prolific sci-fi author, comes the new anthology series Philip K. Dick’s Electric Dreams. With 10 standalone episodes and a sweeping all-star cast, each epic story will explore fantasy, humanity, and a future we’ve only begun to imagine.”

Looking forward to this having been a fan of Phil back when I used to read. My first introduction was a high school book report on Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (1968). I thought I was gonna be reading about a sci-fi barnyard robot goat. Instead I got global thermonuclear war. Dang it. Cooler, though, are the sci-fi movies based on Dicky’s work: Blade Runner (1982), Total Recall (1990/2012), Minority Report (2002), A Scanner Darkly (2006), and The Adjustment Bureau (2011). P.S. This TV series, though, has already started airing in the UK. It’s on Channel 4 in case you live in the vicinity of a British television.

Large And In Charge Halloween, Family Devils, Dancing Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Torrid.com

Torrid.com, a fashion site specializing in clothing for plus-sized women, just came out with this season’s Halloween costume line. In your face, stupid body shamers!

Ladies, in any size/shape, are all Wonder Women — and Torrid even has the WW costume to back that up. You can also get cool Halloween-wear like Maleficent (complete with those sweet curvy horns), Spider-Girl (it’ll make the fellas web their pants), Voodoo Doll (guys — if you see a gal wearing this, you may start feeling a small prick), and the fashionable-year-’round Bat costume.

Torrid.comSo the next time you wanna make disparaging remarks about a woman’s looks and/or size, remember the irony — people who do this have fat heads.

Here are a few now available/upcoming horror/science fiction movies to give you something better to do…

Don't Let The Devil In

DON’T LET THE DEVIL IN (available now)
“After being relocated from the city to a small Appalachian town in order to oversea the development of a casino, Land Developer John Harris and his wife, previously warned there would be resentment within the community, soon find themselves entangled within a tapestry of pure evil that lurks within.”

Tapestry of pure evil. How can you resist a line like that? It’s right up there with “drapery of doom” and “a carpet of carnage.” Kinda makes me wanna give my apartment a makeover.

Bunnyman Vengeance

BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE (October 20, 2017/VOD)
“The man known as Bunnyman returns home to find his family running a haunted house attraction. The family welcomes him home, but soon realizes you cannot domesticate a wild animal. Death and mayhem ensue as the family turn on one another to fulfill their bloodlust.”

The third in a trilogy of a serial killer wearing a dirty Easter bunny costume. Didn’t think they had two more in ’em after the first one. But hey, when is a slasher in a kill-stained bunny outfit not entertaining?

Dances With Werewolves

DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“Cassie flees an abusive relationship and falls victim to a moon-worshiping 600 year old Romanian Countess. A troubled paranormal investigator of Native American heritage finds himself in a deadly love triangle with a battered-woman werewolf.”

This title sure gets around: movies, books/adult fiction memoirs, paranormal crime paperbacks, animated cartoons, YouTube™ videos of werewolves dancing to The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” mega disco hit… There’s even funny fake movie posters online riffing on Kevin Costner’s Dancing With Wolves 1990 movie. (He’s kinda convincing as a hunter of man-beasts.) But this one features Phantasm/horror icon Angus Scrimm in his last role before passing away in 2016 at the age of 89. You’re never too old to dance/do battle with werewolves.

Itsy Bitsy

ISTY BITSY (2018)
Kara moves from New York to the quiet countryside with her two children for a job opportunity she can’t afford to turn down. The family moves into their humble new guesthouse. Kara begins her work as a private nurse to Walter, a man stricken with multiple sclerosis and an appraiser of rare antiquities with a secretive past. Doom precedes them. Akiba, a shady international associate of Walter’s, brings with him a mysterious relic of ancient origin. All too quickly they discover the relic contains more than just legends. Inside, waits a terrifying creature born of ancient darkness and pure instinct…a prehistoric cave spider unlike the modern world has ever seen.”

Spiders existed in prehistoric times? Stink beetles, sure. But eight-legged bugs? Sounds so made up. (This is what happens when you watch too many horror movies and your brain turns into oatmeal.) I hope the cave spider looks like/grows to the size of a dinosaur. I think dinosaurs may have existed in prehistoric times. Gonna have to click on something to verify. But not right now. For some reason I’m craving a bowl of oatmeal.