6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.

Profitable Poltergeists, Werecoyotes, Cult Pay-Per-View

Shot for $15,000 casino tokens, Paranormal Activity came out in 2007 and instantly became a found footage phenomenon, eventually generating $193 million box office fun funds. On that (bank) note: Paranormal Activity is the most profitable film ever made in the history of the world. To no one’s surprise, it birthed six Paranormal babies with YET ANOTHER ONE slated for 2023.

If you can’t wait that long for it, Paranormal Activity: The Ultimate Chills Collection ($55.21/Amazon™) is now available: nine Blu-ray discs loaded with all the movies and a scary amount of extras. In case you forgot (or didn’t care), Paranormal Activity’s premise is as economical as its budget: “A young couple are haunted by a supernatural presence in their home. They set up a camera to document what is haunting them.” Yep — that netted them $193 million. No wonder everybody’s been trying to copy it for the last 15 years. I would.

While you scare up some wallet wages to buy and/or purchase the collection, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not become obscenely profitable… 

HERE FOR BLOOD / Out now (VOD)

“Tom O’Bannon, a rowdy pro-wrestler struggling to make ends meet, agrees to fill in as a last-minute replacement for a well paying babysitting job. Tom arrives at an isolated family home where he meets the precocious 10-year-old Grace. What starts off as a quiet night of pizza and video games quickly spirals into bloody, violent chaos as Tom and Grace find themselves fighting for their lives when an otherworldly cult of masked intruders descend on the home.”

This isn’t just a movie — it’s a WWE™ pay-per-view.

BATTLE FOR PANDORA / Out now (Limited Theaters/VOD)

“After a help signal from a research vessel makes it back to Earth, the U.S. Space Force sends a rescue ship to Pandora, a Saturn moon. But when they try to land, they discover Pandora is already inhabited by a highly evolved humanoid species that won’t give up their Earthling prisoners without a fight.”

Asylum™, the “film” studio that has famously built a company making “spoofs” and “mockumentaries” of big budget thrillers/sci-fi, etc., now comes out with their “version” of Avatar. In my day we called this stealing.

TEENWOLF: THE MOVIE / January 26, 2023 (Paramount+)

“A full moon rises in Beacon Hills — and with it a terrifying evil has emerged. The wolves are howling once again, calling for the return of Banshees, Werecoyotes, Hellhounds, Kitsunes, and every other shapeshifter in the night. But only a werewolf like Scott McCall, no longer a teenager yet still an Alpha, can gather both new allies and reunite trusted friends to fight back against what could be the most powerful and deadliest enemy they’ve ever faced.”

If you’re gonna have a Werecoyote, there better be a Wereroadunner.

BLUE BEETLE / Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Jaime Reyes is a young man from El Paso who bonds with an alien scarab that attaches to his spine and creates a suit of specially powered armor for him. The scarab at one time appeared in the possession of the wizard Shazam.”

And his first nemesis is…Lady Bug.