Archive for the Vampires Category

A Family of Teeth and Fur

Posted in Classic Horror, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood

In the painfully low-budget Blood (1973), a highly impatient Dr. Lawrence and Regina Orlovsky, a pseudo aristocratic couple, travel by some sort of boat from 1899 Europe to 1899 America in order for Lawrence to continue his doctor-esque research. Assisting is Carrie and Orlando, a married couple. Orlando doesn’t have legs (“accident”) and Carrie, whose right leg is infected by something…icky. She doesn’t have long to do the two-step. Also on board is the cadaverous and mute Carlotta, whose being used as food for Regina.

Blood

Turns out Lawrence is the son of Lawrence Talbot, the Wolf Man. And Regina is the daughter of Count Dracula. And they’re in America to check on his inheritance (which is running out), and to cultivate carnivorous plants that produce a serum that Larry injects into Regina every time she starts to melt from being out in the sunlight. Doesn’t help that Regina is constantly melting, whining and complaining, and is pretty much a spoiled vampire.

Blood

Going by the name of Lawrence Orlovsky, he shows up his attorney’s office, demanding a look-see at the books. Turns out the “lawyer” has been embezzling from the inheritance and funneling the cash into shell companies that go bankrupt, but pay off directly to his own pocket. Warning: do NOT try and steal from a guy who could bite your face off and crap it out on the neighbor’s lawn.

Blood

The very cute and single Prudence Towers works as the lawyer’s assistant and spills the books to Lawrence during a graveyard visit to pay respects to his wolfy dad. (And no, the headstone was not shaped like a fire hydrant.) Even though he’s married, he uses his animal charms to lock lips with Prudence amongst the romantic graveyard. Their clinch is busted by Petra, an old non-hygienic woman with rotted teeth, who is the cemetery attendant. She knows Larry’s dad’s secret. And she knows his secret as well, using it to blackmail money and/or jewels from the Orlovskys, which she’ll hopefully use to buy toothpaste.

Blood

The man-eating plants are growing out of control. Carrie’s leg needs to be chopped off. Regina cuts off the hand of Petra, who showed up demanding extortion funds. Prudence is sucked dry after a jealous Regina finds out about the mortuary make-out session in the dead zone. Lawrence can’t take the pressure and wolfs up, demanding they all abandon ship and head back to Europe, setting fire to everything to cover their tracks. This does not work for Regina and she gets her fang on to do battle with her leg-lifting husband with flame-y flames heating things up.

Blood

An odd yet oddly intriguing movie, Blood feels like a thrown-together mess, but the ending is one of those moments of genius that only makes sense once you sit through the entire thing. P.S. Don’t go near the cannibal plants — just ask Orlando and Carrie’s legs.

Nightmare Coffee Table, Really Mad Scientist, Sleep Strangler

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Freddy Coffee Table

If you’re like me and wake up everyday thinking, “Man, I wish I had a fully sculpted Freddy Krueger coffee table,” then you’re in luck. Designed by slaughterfx.com.au, you can own this spill-proof masterpiece for a mere $1499.00. (The 600 shipping might cost you your soul, though.)

Freddy Coffee Table

This pics displaying the table’s inherent coolness, are copyrighted by SlaughterFX, so guys, if I posted without permission, let me know and I’ll replace the news piece with things my cat did today. (P.S. I don’t really have a cat; it’s more of a raccoon/rat/seagull hybrid thing I found behind a 7-Eleven™. What was I doing behind a 7-Eleven™? None of your business.

And speaking of business, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made into coffee tables…

Followers

FOLLOWERS (March 23, 2018)
Brooke and Caleb, a social media celebrity couple, are celebrating their special anniversary on a camping trip deep in the woods of sunny Florida. They plan on recording the entire trip for their fans, and Caleb even has a special surprise for her to make this weekend extra special. But they are not alone. Helpless and cut off from all communication, Brooke and Caleb are being followed by Nick and Jake, two aspiring filmmakers hell-bent on filming a documentary on how easy it is to track someone down through social media…and kill them.”

More social media horror designed for younger people hooked on digital relationships instead of analog ones. Then again, sleeping on digital wet spot is no longer a problem — just “unfriend” it.

Higher Power

HIGHER POWER (May 11, 2018)
“When the Universe decides what it wants, it’s pointless to resist. With his family’s life at stake, Joseph Steadman finds himself the unwilling test subject of a maniacal scientist in a battle that could save the world, or destroy it.”

I say do to the world what I’ve been doing to my liver for some time now — destroy it!

Meet The Blacks 2: The House Next Door

MEET THE BLACKS 2: THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR (2018/2019)
Carl Black is an over-stressed best-selling author who moves his family to his childhood home so he can find peace to write his new book. But when an extravagant pimp moves into the neighborhood, Black becomes convinced that the man is actually a vampire bent on stealing his family.”

I Googled™ “extravagant pimp.” They all look like Snoop Dogg. Not a bad role model as Snoop is entirely badass.

Mara

MARA (2018/2019)
“Criminal psychologist Kate Fuller is assigned to the murder of a man who has seemingly been strangled in his sleep by his wife and the only witness is their eight-year-old daughter, Sophie. As Kate digs into the mystery of an ancient demon which kills people in their sleep, she experiences the same petrifying symptoms as all previous victims and spirals through a chilling nightmare to save herself and Sophie before she dares fall asleep again.”

Sleeping men getting strangled by their wives is so commonplace, I’m surprised anyone pays attention. Note to men: do NOT leave the lid up if you value your neck hole.

Frightening Footwear, Ceramic Vampires, Child-Eating Monsters

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

FRank Slippers

Frank the Bunny was the breakout star of 2001’s mind-bending Donnie Darko, the story of a kid who survives a freak accident, only to discover the secrets of the universe and the gained ability to alter time. (In non-movie terms, we call that “drinking”.) Frank, the man in the rabbit suit, would show up every so often and talk Donnie into committing crimes. (“Frank” could very well be another name for “beer”.)

Frank The Bunny

Since Frank is clearly an upstanding role model, it’s awesome to now be able to own a pair of Frank Slippers for the mere price of $41.89, available at Firebox.com. (They also sell spreadable gin for $14.00 a jar. I didn’t know spreadable gin came in a jar as opposed to, say, a quart bottle with a screw cap.) You need both — click HERE to go get ’em.

Frank the Bunny

While you’re waiting for your fantasy footwear to arrive via some sort of mail delivery service, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not alter time — or keep your feet warm…

The Forces of Horror Anthology Series Volume 1

THE FORCES OF HORROR ANTHOLOGY SERIES VOLUME 1 (available now)
“In this blood-curdling horror anthology, a troubled young girl named Libby visits her psychiatrist to recount the terrifying stories of four nightmares that have been troubling her sleeping hours. The kindly doctor tries to explain away the dreams as the result of normal childhood anxieties, but as the tales become more gruesome, he begins to believe that ‘Libby’ may not be who she says she is.”

I’ve never really understood the term “blood-curdling.” Does it mean something is so scary it turns your hemoglobin into cottage cheese? If that’s the case, I’ll have to pass — cottage cheese tastes like unsalted, wet, air-popped popcorn. Blood, on the other hand…

Wilding

WILDING (April 13, 2018)
Anna is a woman who spent her entire childhood locked in the attic under the care of a mysterious man she only knows as Daddy. Anna is scared to death of a creature he calls the Wildling, a child-eating monster that roams outside. After a small-town sheriff Ellen Cooper frees Anna and helps her start a new life, her childhood nightmares of the Wildling return, disrupting the possibility of a normal life.”

Word around the dog park is that Wilding is a werewolf movie. This is very cool. And people in the dog park who don’t use pooper scoopers? That is very not cool.

Vampire Clay

VAMPIRE CLAY (available now/Japan/2017 | 2018, U.S.)
After studying in Tokyo, Kaori returns to Aina Academy to finish her prep classes for art school. Her time away has made her a better artist than most of her classmates and she soon begins making top scores on projects. Things begin to get strange, however, when she finds some clay left behind by the building’s previous owner, who died tragically at his workshop, and begins to use it for sculpting assignments. Following a mishap with a razor blade and the disappearance of one of her most jealous classmates, her teacher and the other students soon find themselves dealing with murderous, bloodthirsty clay monsters. The figures attempt to imitate and subsequently devour the students (seriously), thus answering the age old question: can a work of art be so bad that it kills?”

Who in their right mind would pass up a movie called Vampire Clay? That’s right up there with Basket-Woven Bigfoot. This came out in Japan in 2017, but I never got to see it as I heard the theater that showed it sold dried squid snacks instead of the slightly-less fishy tasting red vines. But hey, give me a bucket of seaweed and I’m good to go.

RokuRoku: Promise of the Witch

ROKUROKU: PROMISE OF THE WITCH (available now/Japan | 2018/U.S.)
“Structured like an anthology with intermingling segments, Rokuroku features everything from a deep sea kaiju, to a cackling disembodied head, to a sickle-handed psychopath. A supernatural force hurls schoolgirls off of rooftops. An old man faces the return of a horrific creature from his youth. Childhood friends recall a long forgotten promise that leads them to room 666 of a horrifying hotel.”

Impressive — the only thing missing is a basket-woven Bigfoot. I wonder, though, if the sickle-handed psychopath is available to trim my hedges? If he does a good job, I’d be happy to recommend him on Thumbtack.com.

Mermaids, UFOs, Vampires, Witches

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mermaid Map

MetroNews.com recently posted an article featuring an illustrated 1562 map that depicts several mermaids holding/playing with UFOs. That these objects could possibly be clam shells doesn’t negate the fact that mermaids and UFOs are as real as tasty, butter-dipped bivalve molluscs.

Mermaid Maid

From the article written by Jaspar Hamill (Pffft — that name sounds so made up), the map is called Americae Sive Quartae Orbis Partis Nova Et Exactissima Descriptio (A New and Most Exact Description of America or The Fourth Part of the World). It was made in 1562 by the Spanish cartographer Diego Gutiérrez and the Flemish artist Hieronymus Cock (Awesome ancient porn name). The map is the earliest example of a large ‘wall map’ of America and is believed to be the first to feature the name ‘California’. It features giants as well as barbaric cannibals shown roasting a victim over an open fire.”

The map also includes “images of parrots, monkeys, mermaids, fearsome sea creatures, cannibals, Patagonian giants, and an erupting volcano in central Mexico complement the numerous settlements, rivers, mountains, and capes named. Sadly, it did not indicate why the mermaids might be holding a UFO, which means this ancient mystery remains officially unsolved.”

Mermaid Map

Man, it must’ve been a blast to live in 1562. I’d go out for a drink with a mermaid — for about 30 seconds, which is about as long as I can hold my breath.

So if you wanna see this NOT FAKE map in person, it’s being housed at the Library of Congress. Or, you could just wait for these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to see if there are any barbaric cannibals shown roasting people over an open fire…

Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum

GONJIAM: HAUNTED ASYLUM (March 28, 2018/South Korea | April 13, 2018 (US/Limited)
“The crew of a horror web show plan to stream live from inside a ‘haunted’ asylum. To attract more viewers, the show’s host arranges some scares for the team, but as they move further into the nightmarish old building, they begin to encounter much more than expected.”

YET ANOTHER one of these “reality shows in a haunted asylum” movies. By my count, this makes over one billion. And yes, I’ve see all one billion of ‘em. What can I say? I have a lot of free couch time.

Corbin Nash

CORBIN NASH (April 20, 2018)
“Searching a world of darkness for a truth he was never ready for, a rogue detective is murdered only to be reborn the ultimate killer. Embracing his destiny, vowing vengeance on all that destroyed his family; he is Corbin Nash, Demon Hunter.”

I liked it better when it was Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010). Still, with demon hunter job openings becoming as scarce as soap-filled dispensers in dive bar restrooms, might be time to see some demon slaying job skills in action.

Vidar The Vampire

VIDAR THE VAMPIRE (available now/Norway | 2018 U.S.)
Vidar Haarr is a 33-year-old, sexually frustrated bachelor farmer who leads a monotonous life as a Christian on his mother’s farmstead in the Western outskirts of Norway.  In a desperate attempt to break free from routine, Vidar prays to a higher power to grant him a life without boundaries. Unfortunately, his prayers are heard and, following that most unorthodox of ceremonies, Vidar is reborn as the Prince of Darkness.”

Been following this one. The press is calling Vidar The Vampire “a blood drenched, over-the-top horror comedy that is seriously not for the easily offended.” There is no part of that sentence I didn’t like.

I Am Not A Witch

I AM NOT A WITCH (available/France, Germany | 2018 U.S.)
When eight-year-old Shula turns up alone and unannounced in a rural Zambian village, the locals are suspicious. A minor incident escalates to a full-blown witch trial, where she is found guilty and sentenced to life on a state-run witch camp. There, she is tethered to a long white ribbon and told that if she ever tries to run away, she will be transformed into a goat. As the days pass, Shula begins to settle into her new community, but a threat looms on the horizon.  Soon she is forced to make a difficult decision — whether to resign herself to life on the camp, or take a risk for freedom.”

I say risk freedom and turn into a goat. You don’t see many of those things around the mall much anymore, so that could be kinda neat.

Godzilla Earth, Hand-Carved Horror, Vampire Addict

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

The title of the upcoming Godzilla anime movie sequel is nothing if not crazy tantalizing: Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City. A mobile breeder city? Where do I sign up? How much is the rent? Can I move there now?

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

If you haven’t seen Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017) on Netflix, I question your sanity. The ending is so unreal, it’s unreal. And it’s so good, I’ll be counting down the ‘ol tick tock when Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City releases in Japanese theaters on May 18, 2018. Maybe a few of us could carpool there.

So here’s the press release, which reveals that MechaGodzilla will be getting into a rust up with his mountainous counterpart: “After suffering a crushing defeat at the claws of Godzilla Earth — the seemingly immortal, 300 meter tall, 100,000 ton incarnation of Godzilla who now rules the planet — Haruo Sakaki is rescued by Miana, a native girl who belongs to the Futua tribe, the descendants of humanity that were left behind on Earth during the initial evacuation.”

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

Meanwhile, Galu Gu, the leader of the Bilusaludo forces, realizes that the arrowheads of the Futua are made of nanometal, the same material that was used to build MechaGodzilla, a super weapon that failed to curb Godzilla’s rampage and that was presumed destroyed in a battle at the foot of Mt. Fuji in the 21st Century.”

I just soiled myself. Whilst I go clean up, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made out of nanometal…

Revenge of Robert

REVENGE OF ROBERT (available now)
Germany, 1941: Two secret agents, one working for British intelligence and the other working for the Nazis, board a train. Their mission is to find a Toymaker who is in possession of a mystical book which gives life to the inanimate. As the two secret agents close in and the Toymaker has no idea who to trust, he uses the magical tome to bring a vintage doll called Robert to life…and Robert will stop at nothing to protect his puppet master. So begins a blood soaked battle aboard the train as the Toymaker and the killer doll fight to survive. Only the victor will get off at the next stop!”

Ugh — more dumb doll horror. Chucky, if he wasn’t undead, would be rolling over in his toy box. And does this plot not take replacement parts from Puppetmaster (1989), and its 12 sequels? (Honorary mention: Magic/1978).

Family Blood

FAMILY BLOOD (March 31, 2018/Netflix)
Ellie, a recovering drug addict, has just moved to a new city with her two teenage children. She has struggled to stay sober in the past and is determined to make it work this time, finding a stable job and regularly attending her meetings. Unfortunately, new friends, a new job, and the chance of a new life, can’t keep Ellie from slipping once again. Her life changes when she meets Christopher— a different kind of addict —which forces her daughter and son to accept a new version of Ellie.”

Smells like a vampire to me. Then again, everything smells like vampires, especially Krispy Kreme™ donuts. Those things will suck the very soul right out from under your taste buds.

4/20 Massacre

4/20 MASSACRE (April 3, 2018)
“Five women who go camping in the woods to celebrate a friend’s birthday over the 4/20 weekend. But when they cross the turf of an illegal marijuana growing operation they must struggle to survive the living nightmare.”

Hmmm, what could a “living nightmare” possibly be when stumbling into a marijuana growing operation? You guessed correctly — there’s no beer with which to catch a weekend buzz. How boring it must be for all of them.

Dasvidaniya: Russian Brides 2

DASVIDANIYA: RUSSIAN BRIDES 2 (2018)
Svetlana Veselov is a sweet, naive exchange student from Moscow plunged into a living nightmare where she must fight to survive. But, what happens when the hunted becomes the huntress and the pain of others brings pleasure?

Again with the living nightmare. It’s like you’re working at Jack In The Box™ when your friends show up at the drive-thru window and you’re standing there in the grease spattered company uniform, stinking of french fries and secret sauce. Still, I’ve been in worse living nightmares, none of which, though, involve mail-order Jack In The Box™ brides. Yet, anyway. (I’m more of a Five Guys Burgers And Fries™ mail order brides person.)

White Trash Vampires and Werewolves

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

Vampires and werewolves are at each others’ throats (heh) in the ambitious, though low budget Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires (2010). Who wins? Well, if you’re a human, you already know the answer.

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

Jack Croix and his market fresh wife whose newly pregnant, get lost driving around the desert and, running out of precious gasoline, pull into a way out of the way dive bar for help. What they get is the drink emporium’s white trash clientele are all vampires. That sucks. (Oh, hey — I just got my own joke!)

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

Jack’s packin’ a gun and try as he may to perforate them with a weapon that doesn’t seem to run out of bullets, his wife is taken by the vampires and he’s left to wander the desert, where werewolves play in the dirt.

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

John’s rescued and taken in by a mysteriously hooded man whose own wife was imminent domained by the vampire clan. Since that time, he’s lived in a cave and honed his vampire/werewolf recycling program. And over the next few months, teaches his skillz to John. But dang it, the man got his fleshy parts bitten by a werewolf during an ambush and won’t be alive long enough to pay next month’s dwelling rent.

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

This causes John to take up the cause, shave his head and face with a hunting knife (no shaving cream for this hunter of death) and set out to get his wife back, who has been turned into a pregnant vampire. Along the way, John runs into two young couples, also lost in the desert, but still managing to play strip poker while driving. The attacking werewolves don’t play strip poker — they play stripped flesh.

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

During the simmering climax, John locates the vampire stronghold — in a wine cellar — and his wife, who along with the other had vampire concubines — is sleeping standing up. In the desert there are no pillows. If John kills the main vampire, he gets his wife back, defanged and about six months pregnant.Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. VampiresThe “battle” is so limp as to be uncooked bacon. Very little nudity (opening sequence), and a smattering of blood. Somehow I expected more from dive bar/white trash vampires and wereolves whose boss is a digital video game reject.

NASA Cover-ups, Prank Time Travel, Vampire Trackers

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

NASA Cover-ups

Been thinking of new inventions that would make me a multi-thousandaire (just a few tax brackets away from being a multi-millionaire). I came up with The Lid Loosener™ (possibly already invented under the name of “can opener.” Not a very zingy marketing name.), Mouth Broom™ (same as a toothbrush, but with crazy larger bristles), and the Mud-Flinger™, a new kind of pooper scooper, one that employs catapult technologies to rid one’s lawn of animal “pebbles from heaven” souvenirs.

Pooper Scooper

But the one I firmly believe will get me an in-ground swimming pool with all the trimmings (long hose, case of artificial food coloring, water), is my latest get-rich-right-now scheme: NASA Cover-ups™ — blacked out government UFO documents you can use to mask flying saucer-shaped table stains and/or use to put your refreshing adult beverages on to keep from staining the aforementioned Ikea™ table with one leg longer than the others.

Until I’m able to secure a patent number (or “No.”), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not enrich your pool or wallet…

Psychotic!

PSYCHOTIC! (January 26, 2018)
“This suspenseful psychedelic slasher follows a group of hard-partying Brooklyn hipsters as they’re stalked and savagely murdered by a masked maniac known as the Bushwick Party Killer. It’s up to struggling artists Tim and Stuart to figure out who keeps killing the life of the party.”

Hard-partying hipsters? Does that mean they drink three Zimas™ instead of two before passing out at a Rave? Comb their mall styled hair in an opposing direction? Use trendy/trending swear words they found on the Internet? Probably all of the above.

Altered Carbon

ALTERED CARBON (February 2, 2018/Netflix™)
Altered Carbon is an intriguing story of murder, love, sex, and betrayal, set more than 300 years in the future. Society has been transformed by new technology: consciousness can be digitized; human bodies are interchangeable; death is no longer permanent.”

I wish my carbon to be altered as soon as future science is able. I’d transfer my digital leavings into a WWE wrestler husk host and recycle my former skin bag in the toilet/garbage disposal/neighbor’s yard (see “Mud-Flinger™”)

Curvature

CURVATURE (February 23, 2018)
“A scientist must break into a top-secret facility in order to travel back in time and prevent a murder after receiving a mysterious phone call from herself.”

If it was me, I’d probably make a crank phone call to myself. (No doubt I’d fall for it, too.) Still, wish I could travel back in time, though. Two things would happen — I’d never have to wash my pants. That, and I’d be able to re-drink the same refreshing adult beverage over and over without paying for it more than once. Traveling through time is sweet.

The Wanderers

THE WANDERERS: QUEST OF THE DEMON HUNTER (March, 2018/UK)
“Experienced vampire hunter Louis Moudon and his companion, a journalist, arrive in an isolated village in Transylvania to investigate the mystery surrounding a strange event. Along with their guide, young local Sorana, and the reality show team, they will find out that the villagers are experiencing a terrible dread. Louis will soon have to face a totally surprising discovery.”

The title is too long. Tried saying it out loud and my tongue got tired halfway through and just hung out of my mouth like a piece of pre-sliced bologna. If I was an experienced vampire hunter (oh, wait — I am), I’d insist on changing the movie’s title to In The NECK of Time.