Archive for the Vampires Category

Teen Exorcisms, Tall Phantoms, Big Pigs

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

American Exorcism

Finished binge watching the third season of From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series (2014 – 2017) and the Gecko Brothers locked horns with the Queen of Hell. Gotta say, in human form, she’s quite the looker. But in demon shape she has black/blue lava textured skin, well-flossed snake fangs, Predator hair and a dress Morticia Addams would kill for. Not seeing how she differs from all the other gals at the bowling alley, though.

Speaking of things not that different, here’s a pile of upcoming horror that you’ve seen before, whether you bowl or not…

AMERICAN EXORCIST (May 2, 2017 / VOD — August 1, 2017/DVD)
Damon Richter thought he left the world of possessions, exorcisms and evil behind until an old friend arrives with frightening information about his estranged daughter knowing that only his otherworldly skills can save her.”

The possessed teen is probably just going through puberty, in which case, we’re ALL doomed. Dude, just sprinkle anything labeled Clinique around the house, buy her an iPhone™ and NEVER come into her room without knocking, lest ye be damned.

Even Lambs Have Teeth

EVEN LAMBS HAVE TEETH (May 2, 2017)
“Dreaming of a trip to NYC, the beautiful Sloane and Katie leave for the countryside to earn money working on an organic farm. But on the way they are kidnapped and abused by a sinister family of small-town psychopaths. When the girls finally escape, they decide to return to the scene of the crime and settle the score. It’s not pretty.”

So organic farm hippie chicks have a streak for revenge. How do they think they’re gonna do that — make their torturers eat canned vegetables loaded with GMOs? As for small town psychopaths, aren’t they pretty much in every small town? This is what happens to society when you have no 7-Eleven™ or Starbucks™ within impulsive spitting distance.

Tall Men

TALL MEN (May 9, 2017)
“Terrence Mackleby claims bankruptcy after being over $80,000 in debt. His private world is turned upside down when Terrence is visited by strange demons and tall phantoms in business suits after he applies for a mysterious black credit card, in this nightmarish Holbrookian vision.”

This one used to be called Customer 152. I like Tall Men slightly better, though said height gifted men look like Slenderman’s neighbors. So demons and phantoms wear business suits to work. I guess casual Fridays don’t apply in other dimensions.

Boar

BOAR (2017)
Boar showcases the harsh and beautiful Australian landscape. Lurking within this picturesque setting is a dark and terrifying threat — a beast of staggering size with an uncontrollable desire for blood and destruction. Driven by its insatiable appetite for carnage, it defends its territory with brutal force and savagely takes on any who get in its way.”

With a press release this generic, all you have to do is swap out the title to Razorback (1984), Pighunt (2008), Chaw (aka, Chawz, 2009), Hogzilla (2014). But you’d already know that if you read my preview of this one back in November 4, 2015 (And it still doesn’t have a specific release date, but sometime in 2017.) I’ll re-state it: they should change the movie’s name to Bore.

Rearview

REARVIEW (2017/2018)
“Nicky is a young woman traveling alone to meet her band mates — through the back roads of the British countryside — who escapes the clutches of a dangerous stranger. Her road trip soon turns from bad to worse as she finds herself running for her life as she attempts to escape a serial killer and the hordes of predatory locals in the area known as ‘The Highway of Tears’.”

This one smells like 1986’s The Hitcher. Hope she’s the singer of the band. Can you imagine if she was the drummer? Hauling a drumset around the British countryside, let alone from the band van to the backstage door, is a royal pain in the tom tom.

Ghosts, The Future, Rib-Eye Steaks

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Ghost Story

Was eating a steak at my fav restaurant (JaK’s Grill) the other day (the “K” is supposed to be capitalized) and wondered between forking my face with savory chunks of rib-eye if Dracula ever ate a steak. Sure he’s eaten lots of stakes, but you’d think after hundreds of years of having those rammed into his gut hole, he’d wanna mix it up a bit. I suggest JaK’s top sirloin and work your way up to the 36 oz. Prime Delmonico (only $50 smackers). You have to wait a little longer to get it as it requires more cooking time, though. So if you’re Dracula or one of his minions, best not to order it before sunrise.

And yes, I do think about vampires when eating dinner. Helps take my mind off the bill. That said, here’s some potentially flavorful upcoming horror/sci-fi.

A GHOST STORY (July 17, 2017)
“In this singular exploration of legacy, love, loss, and the enormity of existence, a recently deceased, white-sheeted ghost returns to his suburban home to try and reconnect with his bereft wife.”

Dude, your widowed wife is gonna freak that you cut holes in her freshly laundered, lightweight cotton percale flat sheets. (Fitted sheets make for a very dumb looking poltergeist.) Try something else because you’re a ghost, dang it. Your forever job is to scare the sheet out of everybody.

Valerian

VALERIAN (July 21, 2017)
“In the 28th century, special operatives Valerian and Laureline maintain order throughout the universe for the government of the human territories. Under orders from their commander, the duo embark on a mission to Alpha, an intergalactic city where diverse species share their technology and resources for the betterment of all. The ever-expanding metropolis is also home to sinister forces that jeopardize the future of mankind.”

Yeesh — YET ANOTHER teen sci-fi movie. This one stars that chick with the uni-brow. Maybe future technology could fix that for her.

Escape From Cannibal Farm

ESCAPE FROM CANNIBAL FARM (2017)
“In the British countryside, the Harver family head out on an idyllic summer camping trip where they can bury past tensions and enjoy some family bonding. But when their camp is sabotaged by an unseen intruder in the night, they head to the nearby creepy old farm desperate for help, where vengeful farmer Hunt Hansen and his hideously deformed son aren’t farming animals. Caged and waiting for their limbs to be severed, cooked and eaten one at a time, the Harver family must overcome their differences and unite in order to escape alive.”

Gotta say, nifty title. It tells you everything you need to know going in. Curious as to why cannibal horror movies seem to arrive with, say, the regularity of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Of all horror’s sub-genres, you’d think people eating people wouldn’t be on the top of anyone’s menu. Guess the popularity of zombies have made cannibalism more mouth-watering. Okay, I’ll stop.

Tonight She Comes

TONIGHT SHE COMES (2017)
“After a girl goes missing, two of her friends and a mysterious set of strangers find themselves drawn to the cabin in the woods where she disappeared. They will laugh, they will drink, they will kiss, they will make love, and THEY MUST ALL DIE.”

Thanks, hack Hollywood press release writer — don’t need to see the movie now that you’ve just given it all away. Then again, we’ve all been watching this movie for decades. I should start watching same plot films like these with my eyes closed.

Swamp Monsters, Disposable Vampires and Boobs

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attacked On Set

Six months of non-stop rain and dreariness. Seattle weather could qualify as its own horror movie. So why do I continue to live here instead of, say, the Atacama Desert in South America, the driest desert in the world? For one thing, I would not want sand beetles as neighbors. Too noisy.

Anyway, here’s some stay-indoor upcoming horror movies to help take your mind off the stupid weather…

ATTACKED ON SET (March 21, 2017)
“When these girls lay down, things stand up. A perfect mixture of comedy, gore and campiness with lots of boobs and blood.”

Despite having one of the worst horror movie titles (and press releases) going, I do look forward to the boobular aspect of said dumbly named flick.

Vampire Cleanup Department

VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)
Vampires have been haunting Hong Kong for centuries. Because of this, hidden in this city is an official special action unit coping with them — the Vampire Cleanup Department (VCD). The street cleaners out at night are actually vampire hunters, their giant garbage bins containing the captured vampires. The ordinary garbage station is their secret headquarter.”

So to get rid of vampires all you have to do is throw ‘em in the garbage? Seems too easy; do you need to have garlic-flavored garbage bags lining said can? Should you throw your silverware in the trash along with said disposable vampires? That begs the question — are vampires recyclable? Hope so. Wouldn’t be cool to have landfills overflowing with discarded vampires.

Swamp Freak

SWAMP FREAK (2017)
“Six college students go into the wetlands to find their missing professor after he takes off in search of the mythical and deadly monster known as the Swamp Freak.”

Not to be confused with Field Freak (2016), which also features a mythical and deadly creature. Maybe they’re cousins.

Mayhem

MAYHEM (2017)
“A virus infects a corporate law office on the day attorney Derek Saunders is framed by a co-worker and wrongfully fired. The infection is capable of making people act out their wildest impulses. Trapped in the quarantined building, our hero is forced to savagely fight tooth and nail for not only his job but his life.”

Time to leave the corporate world and get a job with the less violent Vampire Cleanup Department.

Tattooed Vampire

Posted in Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakewoman

Back in her early 20th Century day Oriana Balasz, an underground movie icon, was quite the spanker, what with her deviant behavior and excesses of the flesh. A publishing company wants the rights to all her works, including the film she never released, which promised to be more shocking, even by today’s standards. I don’t know; the bar on shocking is set pretty high. But what the heck — I say go for it.

Snakewoman

A publicist travels to Oriana’s Spanish mansion to sink the deal with her heirs. That’s when Snake Woman shows up, a sort of punk rock biker chick with no clothes, vampire fangs and a snake tattoo that goes all the way around her body and across her butt region.

Snakewoman

The “shocking” love scenes in Snakewoman (2005) are overlong and about as sexy as cardboard. And what is it with European chicks and the unshaved armpit thing? That’s more scary than anything else in this “erotic thriller.” Boring excuse for owning a TV.

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Savageland

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

Here Alone

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

Castlevania

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

Crepitus

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

Eat Locals

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.

Midget Monsters, Nazi Zombies, Cleaning Toilets

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Creeps - Deformed Monsters

You ever see the 2007 Spanish horror hit [REC]? That one had a few humans trapped inside an apartment building loaded with slobbering, flesh-chowing zombies. I feel like I live in that same building as I can hear my highly annoying neighbors chew dinner with their loud mouths open. Wonder if they’re eating flesh? That’s what it smells like as anytime anyone cooks something, it stinks up the entire building. Think I’ll fight fire with fire and fry up some raw tuna and eggplant.

Here’s some upcoming horror movies that hopefully won’t stink…

THE CREEPS – DEFORMED MONSTERS (February 21, 2017/Blu-ray)
“Undersized, undead and angry. Dracula. Frankenstein. The Werewolf. The Mummy. In an experiment of the maddest kind of science, these four classic monsters of film and literature are brought back to life…but something goes wrong. Though they look and act exactly as they you’d think they’d look, the creepy quartet emerge as half their normal size. Now, they’re three feet tall…and not happy at all.”

Can’t blame ‘em for being unhappy. At three feet tall, that puts your face at everyone’s butt level. This would be especially demoralizing if they worked at a bean factory. The Creeps actually came out in 1997, but this is the first time on 2D HD 1080p. That’s just scientific jibber jabber, but some people with hi-tech minds will find that to be of significance. I’m gonna go back to braiding my hair and contemplating puffy clouds.

Besetment

BESETMENT (2017)
“A young woman takes a hotel position in a small town in Oregon. It’s a creepy, back country kind of town, but owners Mildred Colvin and her son seem nice. It’s not long before she discovers their real intentions and her struggle to make a living becomes a nightmarish fight for her life.”

A “nightmarish fight for her life.” Sounds like she has to clean toilets.

Trench 11

TRENCH 11 (2017/2018)
“In the final days of WWI a shell-shocked tunneler must lead an Allied team into a hidden German base 100 hundred feet below the trenches. The Germans have lost control of a highly contagious biological weapon that turns its victims into deranged killers. The Allies find themselves trapped underground with hordes of the infected, a rapidly spreading disease and a team of German Stormtroopers dispatched to clean up the mess. The only thing more terrifying than the Western Front is what lies beneath it…”

Two things come to mind: First, this sounds like a video game. Secondly, is this not a spin on Resident Evil (2002)? That one was based on a video game as well. I don’t play video games. It requires too much hand/eye coordination. I can barely put on my movie pants without falling over.

The Black Room

THE BLACK ROOM (May 9, 2017/VOD)
“A supernatural tale where evil takes on a sexy side. A married couple moving into their new home is faced with an entity that feeds off lust and desire, corrupting and/or killing everyone in its path as it plots a horrifying plan to destroy the world.”

Surprised that the entity is feeding off lust and desire from the married couple. Everyone knows that goes down the drain after the honeymoon fever wears off. I’m betting, however, this movie will depict boobies in all their paired gloriousness.

The Devil Wears No Pants

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's Plaything

There’s several things you should know about 1973’s Swiss/German The Devil’s Plaything (also Plaything of the Devil.) First, it’s been released under a laundry list of alternate titles, such as The Curse of the Black Sisters, aka, Der Fluch der schwarzen Schwestern, (too hard to pronounce), le Chateau des Messes Noires, aka, The House of Black Masses (meh), Satankultens Sexofre (huh?) Veil of Blood (boring), and Vampire Ecstasy (boring v.2). Secondly, clothing is pretty much a special effect as everyone in this decidedly adult vampire flick is devoid of britches throughout most of the movie.

The Devil's Plaything

Two gals go to Castle Varga on the premise that they are to inherit the brick house from a freshly deadened aunt. Also shacking up at the shabby shack are a young couple whose car went ka-BOOM down the road.

The Devil's Plaything

The castle’s caretakers are not caretakers at all (didn’t see one of ‘em touch a broom or mop) — they’re poker-faced Stygian cult women dressed in black (not for long) and hold midnight rituals, i.e., dancing, orgies, boob finger-painting. And they do this to the accompaniment of bongos. (Bongos might be the instrument of choice for beatniks, but those dang things are ANNOYING.)

The Devil's Plaything

The seductive fresh beats makes one of the non-cult gals insatiably horny and anything resembling or shaped like you know what is put to entertaining use. Problem is, she can’t be, um, fulfilled until some silly amulet is handed over to the cult, thereby setting off an adults-only party of ritual sex, neck sucking (and not just necks, by the way) and those ANNOYING BONGOS. (Vampires should not be allowed to bang on things. (Okay, that didn’t come out right.)

The Devil's Plaything

The vampire part is never fully explained or explored, relying on the power of boobies to give the plot some bounce. Lots of pant-less and soft-core coming and goings (okay, that didn’t come out right) take up most of the time, which is not a minus. Just watch it with the sound off.

The Devil's Plaything

P.S. You can find the entire uncut movie on YouTube™. There, I did my good deed for the day.