Archive for Canada

Snuff TV

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in


Looking to get better ratings for his state-of-the-art UHF Canadian TV station, Max Renn, the station’s boss, decides that sex and violence simply isn’t enough. (Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.)


So Max meets up with a guy who operates an illegal satellite dish that can intercept programming from different countries, ones that consider sex and violence nothing but Disney Channel™ fodder. But what he shows Max is a TV show from Malaysia that broadcasts real-life snuff footage. Score! Max believes this to be just what his station needs. (Bye-bye advertisers.)


But what Max doesn’t know is that the TV signal called Videodrome causes the viewer to get all surreal in the senses and hallucinate as if on illegal drugs. In other words, big time ratings, except its working on Max big time.


The gorgeous Deborah Harry of Blondie fame plays Nicki, a psychiatrist. Perfect choice for Max’s new concept of mind-bending television. He starts dating her and, after watching Videodrome, do naughty naked stuff in a rough and tumble manner. Better still, she wants to be on that show. Well heck, double score!


The big revelation (and not a spoiler) is that the TV signal isn’t being broadcast from Malaysia, but Pittsburgh. Once that’s discovered, Videodrome (1983) gets all futuristic punk rock crazy town, with Max having visions of his own flesh being turned into a weapon (there’s a gun in his stomach) and his TV exploding human guts ’n gunk out of the screen. His quotable last words before shooting himself with his tummy gun: “Long live the new flesh!” Preachin’ to the choir, Max.


There’s a Republican Big Brother aspect to all of this, with the real guy in charge trying to wipe out all of us TV watching lowlifes by giving us brain tumors via his channel. As if that hasn’t already happened by watching regular TV programming.

Outrocking Evil

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

The ‘80s hair band Triton is rocking hard and riding free and features a camera aware/body builder/studded leather Speedo™-wearing lead singer, John. (You’d think he’d have a more rock appropriate name, like Poser McPose, Flexi Hamstring or Dangle.) John and his ham band play anthem power rock songs like “We Live To Rock,” “Engery,” and (my fav) “Edge of Hell (Wildlife)”, what with its “don’t bore us, get to the chorus” catchiness. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a solid hook.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Triton’s manager insists the band retreat to an isolated farmhouse in I Don’t Know Where We Are, Canda to work on 10 minutes of new material to add to their show. (Note to band — just put “tonight”, “alright” and “let’s fight” into the lyrics and you’re good to go. Lather, rinse, repeat.)

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Traveling in a three-tone van (orange, white and black), the rockers bring their girlfriends and the female keyboard player with hair so big, you can see my house from there. No sooner than the band sets up in the barn and starts rocking like they’re in front of 10,000 invisible screaming fans, they take a break and start having sex with each other, with some of the band members wearing sunglasses — indoors — during their act(s) of shame. That is so rock.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

To mix things up, a car full of groupies show up to group with the group. As this is happening, the Devil — depicted as a rubber alien thing — shows up to top the charts, with assorted rubber, finger puppet demons as special guests. I am not making this up. Once evil reveals itself, John transforms into his studded leather Speedo™-wearing counterpart, complete with lightning bolts emitting from his muscular visage, power posing with some of the best traffic jam constipation facial expressions ever committed to VHS tape.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (1987) features lots of boobs and so much hairsprayed hair, Aqua Net™ should have been given a screen credit. Regardless, this wincing attempt to meld hair metal with vulcanized evil reminds me of the drunken heckling I used to do at local rock shows: “You suck — break up!”

Affordable Sharks, Maniac Babysitters, Killer TV

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Hotel

Shark Hotel, unfortunately, is not a real movie, though it should be. The homage to the old lurid VHS cover art was expertly designed by Rob Schrab.

There’s a real Shark Hotel, though. It’s in the UK (there’s also one in Sydney, Australia), and looks to be perfect for those traveling abroad on a budget made of shoestring. Here’s the bait: “Featuring marine-themed murals and mood lighting, the casual cabin-style rooms sleep up to 4 guests (2 in bunk beds), and include free Wi-Fi, flat-screen TVs, and tea and coffee-making facilities. Shark Hotel is on the edge of Fleet Lake within the Thorpe Park theme park. This quirky hotel with a shark-shaped entrance and is a 5-minute walk from Derren Brown’s Ghost Train and two miles from the M25 motorway. A breakfast buffet and parking are free, while fast-track access to rides is also offered. There’s an informal restaurant/bar.”

Shark Hotel

Sharks, ghosts, bunk beds and an informal restaurant/bar? This sounds like the British version of Disneyland. Whilst I rummage around for holiday shillings (probably some stashed under my kip — look it up), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as entertaining as an informal restaurant/bar or a British bunk bed…

The Babysitter

THE BABYSITTER (October 13, 2017/Netflix™)
“Cole is madly in love with his babysitter, Bee. She’s cool and awesome in all the ways Cole is not. One evening while Bee is babysitting, Cole witnesses the unthinkable. Now he must survive a night full of first kisses, first broken hearts, and first encounters with homicidal maniacs.”

So the object of Cole’s pants desire is a homicidal maniac. As babysitting techniques go, you can’t argue with its effectiveness.

Slasher: Guilty Party

SLASHER: GUILTY PARTY (October 17, 2017/Netflix™)
“In the remote Canadian winter wilderness, a group of former summer camp counselors are forced to return to the isolated campground to retrieve evidence of a crime they committed in their youth. Before long the group, and the camp’s latest inhabitants — members of a spiritual retreat with their own secrets to hide — find themselves targeted by someone — or something — out for horrific revenge.”

A masked killer with a sharp hunting knife is hunting down young girls for Cuisinarting purposes. Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know — about 3,000 same-themed movies ago.

All I See Is You

ALL I SEE IS YOU (October 27, 2017)
“Gina and husband James have an almost perfect marriage. After being blinded as a child in a nearly fatal car crash that claimed her parent’s lives, Gina depends on James to be her eyes-a dependence that appears to solidify their passionate relationship. It seems the only real hardship this loving couple faces is difficulty conceiving a child but when Gina is given the opportunity to have a corneal transplant and regains her vision, their life and relationship are upended. Gina now sees the world with a new sense of wonder and independence which James finds threatening. It is only when Gina suddenly begins to lose her sight again that she finally realizes the disturbing reality of their marriage and their lives.”

The lively Blake Lively stars in this one. Last time I saw her, she was being manhandled by a crazy mad shark (The Shallows/2016). Now it looks like she’s about to face off with a marriage shark. Those, I hear, are crazy mad.

The Murder Show

THE MURDER SHOW (2017/2018)
“A journalist’s search for clues leading to his sisters disappearance lands him on a disturbing hidden website inside the deep web called The Murder Show. He soon finds himself being stalked by the twisted psychopaths that run the site.”

There are twisted psychopaths on the Internet? Why in Steve Jobs’ name didn’t anyone tell me? I’ll have to be careful where I click and impulse shop.

Undead Tribute, Get To Know Bigfoot, Death Personified

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

As hardcore The Walking Dead fans have burned into their iCalendars™, the 100th episode — and season eight AMC™ opener — happens on Sunday, October 22, 20017. (And you thought the total eclipse was worth watching.)

The Walking Dead

To celebrate/commemorate, TWD episode director/ makeup effects master Greg Nicotero teamed up with his insanity talented KNB FX design team to whip up some tasty tribute posters, all in the style of one of the coolest horror shows ever on TV. Included with the above slick tribute to Alien is zombie/star character homages to Back to the Future, The Thing, Thunderball and The Omega Man. Pretty swear word cool. (You can find them all by following Greg on Instagram™.)

As the countdown to The Walking Dead marches on, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably stole their ideas from all of the above…


ZOMBIES (available now/VOD/Limited – October 31, 2017/DVD)
“When the world is in shambles, plagued by a zombie outbreak, only the strong will survive, but just how much determination will it take? Will Luke and his crew have enough ambition and ammunition to outlive the undead?”

The title and plot should tell you how high they set the bar for themselves. This is so stock, it should be sold in grocery stores next to canned soup and frozen TV dinners.

Death On Scenic Drive

DEATH ON SCENIC DRIVE (September 30, 3017/Hard Line Film Festival/Germany)
“During the cold winter months at a secluded countryside home, a young woman named Larissa encounters an entity that transforms her into Death itself. She reins violence against Dallas Henson and the family that resides there.”

Not sure why this one is being premiered in Germany when it’s Canadian-made. says Death On Scenic Drive is a “Gothic filled with gore, madness, weirdness, satanism and screeching, squelching music.” Sounds just like my upstairs neighbors on any given week night.

Discovering Bigfoot

DISCOVERING BIGFOOT (October 27, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“What we think we know of human origins and evolution is about to change forever as we discover the truth about a species that has remained elusive by outwitting and evading modern man for decades despite his best efforts. Journey into the heart of Sasquatch Country and experience three incredible days in the field with Bigfoot experts. This unprecedented feature film includes extraordinary never before seen Sasquatch footage that will shock the world. Witness a terrifying altercation between Sasquatch Researcher Todd Standing and three Sasquatch creatures in the wild.”

The trailer for this documentary purports to show “indisputable” photographic/video evidence of Bigfoot, and even go so far as to include a few snippets of said proof. I’m convinced — and you’re talkin’ to a guy who stands in line at the Puyallup Fair to get an autograph and a picture with a guy in a Bigfoot suit handing out hot tub clearance sale flyers. Say what you will about the mythical wood ape — that guy can sell ice cubes to an eskimo.

The Purge: Island

THE PURGE: ISLAND (July 4, 2018)
The Purge: Island is a prequel that will focus on the events that lead up to the very first Purge event, an experimental test on Staten Island.”

Cool, but I can’t wait for The Purge: Outer Space. In that one we get carte blanche to go all probe-y on those invasive aliens. They won’t know what violated their swimsuit/spacesuit area. Payback’s a b*tch, space b*tches — ha!

This Snake Takes The Cake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in


Snakeman (aka, The Snake King) came out in 2005 on the SyFy™ Channel and starred/stars Stephen Baldwin, who always looks like he’s striking a pose in front of a mirror only he can see.


So I watched the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman on YouTube™. (It was titled Anakonda vs. Kink Kong. There was no Kink Kong, but the snake did eat a kinky monkey, so there you go.) It’s so poorly overdubbed that when someone shoots at the seven-headed giant snake (located in the heart of the steamy Amazon (jungle, not the one-stop shopping place on the Internet with free delivery if you have a Prime™ account), you don’t hear the rifle blasts for a few seconds later. For some reason I found that to be quite entertaining.


Baldwin plays Matt Ford (had to look that up as I don’t quite grasp the nuances of Hindi linguistics), a helicopter pilot who leads a team of researchers deep into the snake-filled Amazon by way of crashing said helicopter. The group includes Dr. Susan Elters, who looks like a Canadian version of Kim Basinger. Most everybody is eventually swallowed whole by the snake, which is the size of a regular snake times one million. Again, quite entertaining.


So why was everybody gooning out in the jungle in the first place? Seems the Fountain of Youth might be there (it is) and everyone wants to get their unwashed hands on it. Meanwhile, warring natives (I call them “Junglonians”) throw spears and shoot arrows at everyone. Most the time they miss their target, but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day.


A rival helicopter shows up and a bunch of gunners try to get the youth juice for their own science profits. This is where the best scene happens. The meanest of the para-military guys is grabbed by both legs and arms by the snake and is handily (sorry) turned into a screaming torso. The biggest snake noggin leans down and nips the head off the still screaming guy as if snacking on M&Ms, where it melts in its mouth, not in its glands.

Watch the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman, because sometimes understanding the dialogue just isn’t that important to the plot.

Great Canadian Smoke-out, Poison Sharks, Teddy Bears

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Canada Smoke

For those not living in Seattle, we’ve been experiencing a heatwave combined with what is being described as having “the worst air quality than Bejing, Kolkata.” We can blame this on Canada as their wildfires, while making for some colorful, hippie sunsets, are sending their smoke across the border — without passports — and into our neighborhoods. Thanks a lot, Canada — just because your coins don’t work in our vending machines is no reason to smoke us out. (Some pranksters are using the photos of the burning haze to say it’s 4:20 in Seattle. That’s pretty funny.)


A recent article in the Seattle Times had this to say about our horror weather: “Seattle’s air quality index was 156 on Thursday afternoon, which is considered unhealthy, according to AirNow. That’s worse than Los Angeles and several cities in China and India. Beijing’s air quality index was 80, Shanghai sat at 78, and Chongqing was ranked 65, all of which are considered moderate, according to the World Air Quality Index Project.”

I’m well prepared for this smokocalypse — I walk around with a designer scuba tank (Jaques Costeau logo on it— limited edition), so up yours World Air Quality Index Project. Speaking of being suffocated to death by a so-called friendly neighboring country, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you choke…

Toxic Shark

TOXIC SHARK (August 4, 2017)
“A tropical singles retreat takes a terrifying turn when guests realize a poisonous shark is infesting the surrounding water. Not only will this toxic shark rip apart its victims, but it also uses projectile acid to hunt…in and out of the water!”

A shark that shoots projectile acid? Sounds like a mash-up of a great white shark and the Alien. Still, gotta like the premise. Set ‘em up, melt ‘em down. I bet the shark could turn ‘em into bowling trophies afterward.

Teddy Bears Picnic

“Inspired by the 1907 melody of the same name, Teddy Bears Picnic re-envisions the childhood song as a nightmarish fable that twists the concept of childhood innocence.”

That song was written in 1907. You mean I haven’t been able to get that stupid song out of my head for 110 years? No wonder I drink daily.

Keep Watching

KEEP WATCHING (December 2017)
“When two deranged serial killers break into their home, a family has to stick together to make it out alive and unbeknown to them there are hidden cameras throughout their home documenting their every move.”

Having cameras everywhere is cheating, especially when one is need of a private, yet relaxing moment in the restroom. Only deranged serial killers would watch such footage. Probably upload it on YouTube™, too. That’s just being mean.

The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre

“A heavy metal band named The Metal Dicks are touring to promote their first record. While driving to their next concert location their van gets a flat tire so they have to spend the night in a small, local town. The next day the town is having a festival to celebrate their patron saints day and the mayor of the town asks The Metal Dicks to join in with the festival. The band accept the mayor’s offer unaware of the dangers that lie ahead.”

Great band name. I wish to own all their album. I have a feeling, though, they may not be around long to record a second one. Maybe take all their unfinished demos and release ‘em under the title, Bits ‘n Pieces.

Mothman, Bigfoot, Body Wash, Bar Stools

Posted in Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mothman of Point Pleasant

To hear other people tell it, I fell off my bar stool the other night. I prefer to frame it as the bar stool got tired of me sitting on it for six hours and decided to take its business elsewhere.

As for the falling part, there was a puddle of some sort of liquid under the chair, which was quite slippery and thus facilitated the mishap. Pretty sure it was Dove Body Wash®. That, or WD-40®. The conspiracy theorist in me leans towards it being a proportional solution made of the two popular lubes and then discreetly applied under the bar stool by, you guessed it, one of those creepy Men in Black. I hate those guys.

Speaking of falling for things, here’s four more new and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not knock you on your ass…

“Learn the terrifying, true story about thirteen months that changed history. In November of 1966, a car full of kids encountered a creature unlike anything they’d ever seen before. In the weeks and months to follow, the monster (now known as The Mothman) was sighted again and again on country roads and around the state of West Virginia.”

This is an intriguing documentary that covers a lot of leavings but leaves one question unanswered — who gave Mothman his cool name? I bet that person is a millionaire now because of it. So if I was offered a million bucks to name a local folklore legend monster that, to date, hasn’t killed anyone or even so much as littered the streets of Point Pleasant (hence the name), I’d have called him (or her)…Mega-Pigeon (or scientifically, Mega-Columba Livia Domestica.) The logo could look all heavy metal and probably sell a LOT of t-shirts. You really need to think about marketing strategies with a name that totally b*tchin’.

Seven Sisters

“Set in a world where families are allowed only one child due to overpopulation, a resourceful set of seven identical sisters must avoid governmental execution and dangerous infighting while investigating the disappearance of one of their own.”

Dang — seven identical sisters? Never mind trying to figure out who is who, can you imagine trying to get in a some meaningful bathroom time? Forget about it. For a cool old sci-fi movie about limiting children (which I’m for, by the way), seek out the 1972 Danish-American sci-fi moving picture show, Z.P.G., which stands for Zero Population Growth. In that one you’re given robot babies instead of allowing you to make your own. Not nearly as much fun, but zero diaper changing as well. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.

The Dark Mile

London couple Louise and Clare book a sailing trip in the Highlands to recover from a personal tragedy. The location may be idyllic but soon they are tormented by a black industrial barge that follows them, and by the dysfunctional folk on board.”

First, they broke the cardinal rule of using the overused/generic/weak word “dark” in the title. Secondly, if you work on a black industrial barge, you’re probably predisposed to being dysfunctional. Wonder what the pay is? I could fit right in.

The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then Hitler

“Legendary American war veteran Calvin Barr who, decades after serving in WWII and assassinating Adolf Hitler, must now hunt down the fabled Bigfoot. Living a peaceful life in New England, the former veteran is contacted by the FBI and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to lead the charge as the creature is carrying a deadly plague and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness.”

A hot contender for horror movie title of the year, albeit a bit of a mouth employer. (Note to movie titlers — take “Then The” out of it. Practically leaps off the tongue and into a soulful eight-beer-in conversation. My only issue — they tell you in the movie’s name he murder-killed Bigfoot.

Hitler certainly had it coming. But Bigfoot? What’s he ever done besides throwing Mountain Doo at intrusive hikers? They go on to say Biggie carries a deadly plaque and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness. If that’s true, it means he’s not planning any day trips to town any time soon, so leave him be. As for the nature of the plaque, just give him some Alka-Seltzer Plus® – Cold & Cough Liquid Gels (you gotta break ‘em open and suck out the juicy goodness) with a beer back to cleanse the palette afterward. Plague? Solved.