Spider Clock, Flipping Haunted Houses, Space Crabs

Audemars Piguet™, makers of some of the most exquisite and exquisitely expensive watches and clocks in the world, just announced their upcoming Spider-Man branded watch. For all its vaunted bells and whistles — sapphire crystal, glow-in-the-dark hands and numerals, a transparent caseback, and an interchangeable strap system — it sadly does not shoot spider-webs. Probably doesn’t have a built-in walkie-talkie to chit chat with Tony Stark, either. 

From website: “The Swiss brand’s new Royal Oak Concept Tourbillon features the superhero Spider-Man at the center of an open-worked dial. This is actually the second co-branded wristwatch to land in the AP x Marvel universe and follows in the footsteps of 2021’s Black Panther Tourbillion. The newcomer pairs a 42 mm titanium case with a black ceramic bezel and crown to ensure your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man gets all the focus. The hero takes up almost all of the dial with his signature web-shooting pose.”

Thinking about buying it? Just be forewarned the Spider-Man watch is limited to 250 and will run you $215,000.00, which is, ironically, just criminal. Here’s some more web-spinning numbers: “The Swiss watchmaker has auctioned off a one-of-a-kind piece called the Royal Oak Concept Tourbillon Black Suit Spider-Man to raise funds for a nonprofit. Inspired by the black suit rocked by the superhero in some ’80s comics, the one-off sold for $6.2 million at a private event in Dubai.”

So while we go to Amazon.com and buy the reachably affordable $10.99 Spider-Man digital watch with a sweet adjustable silicone band (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you web your pants…

THE AMITYVILLE CURSE / Out now (Tubi™)

“A group of friends purchase an infamous home with the intention of flipping it, only to discover a deadly paranormal presence emanating from within the house.”

Originally, The Amityville Curse, which was released in the Philippines as Amityville Horror 1993, is a 1990 Canadian-made horror flick. Not sure why they decided to call this new one exactly the same. Given the plot, it should be called, Flip This Amityville House.

COCAINE CRABS FROM OUTER SPACE / June 1, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD), Fall 2023 (VOD)

“When a couple of intergalactic space crabs land on Earth, they encounter the one thing they didn’t expect…a duo of dumb frat boys force-feeding them cocaine! As it turns out, cocaine gives space crabs an overbearing impulse to kill! Their string of peculiar homicides has Detective Charlie Reese thinking that something smells fishy…literally! Convinced that the detective may be onto something, the two of them find themselves teaming up in the deadly wake of the coked-out crabs!”

Bears, sharks, alligators and now crabs. Extraterrestrials must think all our animals are drug addicts.

AGED / June 15, 2023 (VOD)

“After taking a temporary job as a caregiver, a young woman realizes her employer and the house have a dangerous, dark past.”

This does zero into getting us interested enough to watch it. Throw in a cocaine werewolf (they kinda all act like they’re on cocaine, now that I think about it), and you’ll get my attention.

SUBJECT / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“A man is ensnared in a sinister government experiment. On his way to prison, Willem is presented with an intriguing offer: take part in a shadowy government experiment and have his sentence commuted. But little does he know his isolation experiment may not be what it seems, casting doubt upon his perceived solitude and raising questions about his true state of aloneness.”

They had me at shadowy government experiment, which pretty much sums up my life these days.

Another Amityville, Inter-Dimensional Vampires, Prison Demons

As possibly insensitive it is to call YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror offering as beating a dead ghost, Amityville: An Origin Story, premiering April 23, 2023 on MGM+™ streaming service, proposes a fresh take on the freshness-expired subject. In the four-part horror documentary series, we’re given a rare inside look into the world’s most notorious haunted house/murder conundrum with archival footage, new photos and interviews with those involved on during the blood exploding events that occurred on November 13, 1974. If you don’t know what that was, then all the 115 Amityville Horror spin-offs were for not.

From the MGM+™ press release: “Amityville: An Origin Story tells the story behind the world’s most infamous haunted house tale: the Amityville murders. The project is the first elevated look at every aspect of this wildly layered story about the heinous murder of a family of six that became eclipsed by paranormal controversy. But the mass murder behind the hauntings—and its alleged ties to organized crime—left a long trail of questions that have never been fully explored. ”

“Rooted in the dark cultural undercurrents of the 1970s, the series features firsthand accounts from witnesses, family members, and former investigators appearing on-camera for the first time. Exclusive archival footage, newly unearthed images, and stunning original photography are woven together into the most compelling and comprehensive telling of the Amityville story yet, taking viewers on a heart-pounding roller coaster ride through the mythology, factual record, and devastating human toll of this notorious meta-narrative.”

While we decide whether or not to add YET ANOTHER pay streaming service to our monthly bill to watch Amityville: An Origin Story, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feel like beating a dead ghost…

COLONIALS / April 7, 2023 (Limited Theatrical), April 11, 2023 (VOD)

“On his mission from Mars a space colonist’s ship is attacked by a Moon-based civilization and crash lands on Earth. Having lost his memory, he joins forces with the Resistance to save the galaxy from human extinction.”

Or you could not put in all that energy-draining effort to engage in war and let the stink humans go extinct. Work smarter, not harder.

PARASITE LADY/ April 14, 2023 (Full Moon Features), April 21, 2023 (Amazon Prime™)

“Rising from her coffin, an inter-dimensional female vampire prowls a run-down carnival hunting for love and human blood.”

The Tug Tavern is also referred to as a run-down carnival. And yes, this is where inter-dimensional female vampires come to get a refreshing adult/beverage.

HELL’S HALF ACRE / April 28, 2023 (VOD)

“Marcus leads his group of young urban explorers Jessie, Dan, Jose, and Cassie to abandoned locations for their popular YouTube™ channel Strange and Abandoned Places with the goal of gaining ratings and paid sponsors. They quickly discover that the abandoned Rockland Heights Prison is unlike any other location they’ve ever been to before as strange things begin to occur almost immediately after their arrival. They discover they’re not alone as it becomes a fight for their survival against terrifying and dangerous paranormal demonic entities.”

These are not just dangerous paranormal demonic entities — they’re CRIMINAL dangerous paranormal demonic entities, hence being in prison. Duh.

MALICE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Obsession fueled by rejection leads to murder in this supernatural horror. As the curse of the vengeful Nu Gui haunts Keo Sinn and her university friends, she is forced to confront her dark past and tragic connection to Malice.”

So is Nu Gui pronounced “Knew Guy” or “New Gooey”? I’m not gonna be able to sleep until I know.

Bigtime Bigfoot, Erotic Horror, Giant Worms

It’s official — Bigfoot has finally made the big time. (Just kidding — BF’s always been the king.) I’m talking, though about the latest Sasquatch movie, called Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn, which makes its debut on Fathom Events’ one-night-only premier on the big screen on Tuesday, February 27, 2018. It must be a good movie for it have this kind of coming out party.

Here’s what goes down: “Lost deep in the forest of the Pacific Northwest, Ashley and Max Carr are stalked by a terrifying creature that might be Bigfoot. Soon they find themselves embroiled in a strange land of Native American myth and legend turned real. Hopelessly trying to survive, with a handful of unsavory locals, they must fight back against this monster in a desperate battle of life or death.”

Sounds cool. I hope Bigfoot turns ‘em all into outdoor oatmeal. Yeah, going to the movies has gotten really expensive over the last year. (Nearly $10 for a large popcorn? Gimme a break.) But hey, Bigfoot on a screen the size of a side of a house. Come to think of it, Bigfoot is the size of a side of a house as well. So I’m thinkin’ win/win.

If Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn isn’t playing near wherever you’re munching on a lot less expensive store-bought popcorn, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a shot at the big screen — unless you have a 60-inch TV. In which case, go about your business…

COMPULSION (March 6, 2018)
“Sadie, a budding erotic novelist, is enticed by an ex-lover to join him and an enigmatic woman named Francesca at an Italian Villa. Once there, Sadie is confronted by the demons of her past as she becomes embroiled in a surreal game of murder and betrayal.”

Possible warning: There may be naked nudity in this one. Whenever the word “erotic” is used to describe a movie, you know pants are coming off. Speaking of, time for me to go take an erotic shower.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: RUNAWAY (March 13, 2018)
“A young pregnant woman named Ruth who escapes a murderous child cult in a small Midwestern town. She then spends the next decade living anonymously in an attempt to spare her son the horrors that she experienced as a child. She lands in the small Oklahoma town…but something is following her. Now, she must confront this evil or lose her child.”

This is the 10th (!) installment of the Corn-y Children, which began its unlikely run in 1984. That another one is coming out makes about as much sense as all those Amityville Horror movie sequels (20+ —yeesh!). Was never a fan, though. I do like corn, however.

A QUIET PLACE (April 6, 2018)
“A family lives an isolated existence in utter silence, for fear of an unknown threat that follows and attacks at any sound.”

The trailer for this one is crazy cool. The family soundproofed their lives so they don’t call down whatever evil icky thing wants to deathify ‘em, going so far as to learn sign language to communicate. But what happens after a nice quiet dinner eating healthy steamed broccoli and someone farts? I’ve heard of passing gas as being “silent but deadly,” but this time it’s for real.

TREMORS: A COLD DAY IN HELL (2018)
“The sequel finds Burt Gummer and his son Travis at a remote research station, where they must go up against Graboids that have been converted into living weapons.”

The 6th installment of the people-eating underground giant worm creatures. These “Graboids” can hear you tromping around topside, hone in your dinner bell and swish — nothin’ but neck. Hey, maybe Graboids are the monsters in The Quiet Place. Food for thought. Heh.

Amityville Overdose, Slenderman Diet, Human Popsicles

Just when you think they couldn’t milk one more drop out of the Amityville Horror movie franchise cow, now word comes down the udder that 1974, a movie based on the true murders that happened in the infamous Amityville house, is going into production in September, 2017. This will be the 20th such Amytiville movie since 1979. That’s about 19 too many. (By comparison, the Friday the 13th series steps up to the empty plate with a mere 12 titles. In your hockey mask, Jason — ha!)

From the Internet: “On November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. shot and killed six members of his family at 112 Ocean Avenue, a large Dutch Colonial house situated in a suburban neighborhood in Amityville, on the south shore of Long Island, NY. He was convicted of second-degree murder in November 1975. In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house. After 28 days, the Lutzes left the house, claiming to have been terrorized by paranormal phenomena while living there.”

This, of course, was the basis for the first movie. And a good one it was, providing neat jump moments, scary this and thats, a flying pig with glowing eyes (better than it sounds), and a bunch of flies forming a halo around a preachy preacher. (A nod to Alice Cooper on that one.)

So why do we need YET ANOTHER Amityville horror movie? Because apparently there’s a significant number of you out there that weren’t even born when the movie first came out. How is that even possible? Suggestion: If you know how to read, try the Jay Anson book (The Amityville Horror: A True Story/1979) of the horrific account first, though. Bonus: you won’t have to plug it in.

Speaking of things you won’t be able to swipe to the left, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth the flick of the wrist…

WITCH’S DOLL (2017)
“Ambitious young true crime writer Adeline Gray travels to a remote English village to unravel the mystery behind a family’s murder. While investigating the prime suspect’s now derelict ‘Manor in the woods’, she notices a creepy life-size Victorian doll is following her from room-to-room. After a series of terrifying and inexplicable events, she believes the doll is carrying a hateful spirit wanting to be left alone. Desperate for a career defining story, Adeline’s persistent search for answers soon puts her too at the mercy of the Witch’s Doll.”

Yep, a complete and utter RIP-OFF of Annabelle, the evil doll from The Conjuring/Annabelle: Creation RIP-OFFS. And it should come as no surprise this comes from The Asylum, who have made a thriving career out of RIPPING OFF other people’s intellectual property. Feeling RIPPED OFF? You should.

REALIVE (October 3, 2017)
“Marc experiences a terrible shock when, at just 32, he is diagnosed with a disease and is given one year to live, at best. Unable to accept his death, he decides to freeze his body before the disease can impair it. Sixty years later, an institution called Prodigy Health Corporation manages to revive him. Although his return to life comes with many medical complications, his body clings to life. It’s the soul that is harder to heal.”

I’m soulless, so bringing me back from a frozen stasis to remove that pesky purple thing on my neck isn’t an argument. And the whole “human snow cone” thing should fall under my discount medical coverage. It better.

SLENDERMAN (Friday, May 18, 2018)
“A tall, thin horrifying figure with unnaturally long arms and a featureless face, is reputed to be responsible for the haunting and disappearance of countless children and teens.”

Getting rid of kids and teens? Gotta say — I’m already liking this man of slender. If this catches on, what do you bet they’ll come out with the Slenderman Diet program?

TABBOT’S TRAVELING CARNIVALE OF TERRORS (October 31 2018)
“This traveling carnival, a well-oiled machine of malignant deception moving into its third generation of grinding up choice guests and spitting them out, runs according to its own twisted family plan. Each Tabbott plays their part: Papa, the ringleader and ringmaster; Mama, the fat witch on her throne; the children: Bobbie, a seductively cunning fortune teller; Buck, the temperamental werewolf; Elijah, a silent scarecrow; and their darling Emma, the ghostly child you’d do well not to ignore.”

Sounds like they’re descendants of 1964’s 2000 Maniacs. In that gruesomely brutal (yet still kinda funny) one, people were lured into a small Deep South town for a Centennial celebration where the residents graphically killed them into picnic-sized portions. Had something to do with revenge, the Civil War and the people who just can’t seem to let the loss go.

Paranormal Training Bra

Need a Halloween fix? Well, tie off horror junkies because here’s two new ones for you…

First up is a comedy horror movie that pays homage to horror movies that ripped off other horror movies. My head hurts. Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, releasing October 27, 2015, gives a laugh-shaped mouth shout-out to the pop ghostly culture likes of Insidious (2010), The Conjuring (2013), Amityville Horror (1979), Sinister (2012), and Paranormal Activity (2007). Kind of redundant as all those movies are full of funny stuff, intended or not.

If you haven’t seen the trailer for Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, here’s what materializes…

“It’s Halloween Eve and Caesar and Otto find themselves house-sitting for the world’s most unpopular Governor, Jerry Grayson. But after a series of ghostly visions, strange phenomenon and a demonic possession, the half-brothers call upon renowned exorcist Father Jason Stieger to help put a stop to this new nightmare. But in this house, nothing is what it seems and everyone is fair game for the mysterious forces at work…”

Who hires guys to house sit? That in itself is kinda scary, especially if there’s an unattended liquor cabinet full of spirits waiting to be released. Heh.

Next is Out There In The Dark (2015), a ’tweener “horror” movie, starring two young teens gals who use their cell phones to try and Scooby-Doo a ghost in a big mansion. Thus: After visiting a haunted house, two teenage girls are plagued by supernatural phenomena that lead them to uncover a chilling secret.”

I bet the chilling secret is they discover why they call ’em training bras.

Wrecker: Tab-Expired Horror

It’s always painful to see Hollywood to run so dry of ideas that they shell out good pocket coupons to produce cheap/cheesy horror like Wrecker (releasing November 6, 2015): “Best friends Emily and Lesley go on a road trip to the desert. When Emily decides to get off the highway and take a ‘short cut,’ they become the target of a relentless and psychotic trucker who forces them to play a deadly game of cat and mouse.”

Not only is Wrecker NOT an original idea with a crappy title, who would pay to see a movie what you can see on a freeway any day of the week?

Wrecker’s plot is a direct lift from Stephen Spielberg’s Duel (1971), in which McCloud (or “Dennis Weaver”) is relentlessly pursued across dirty desert back roads by a 18-wheeler driven by a malevolent invisible trucker.

This was mimicked by Elliot Silverstein’s The Car in 1977, in which Amityville Horror’s James Brolin goes up against a possessed black car that “vroom-thump-thumps” anyone brave enough to use a crosswalk in Utah.

And picking up the pieces and running with that, who could forget Christine, the 1983 Stephen King horror movie that featured a “body by Chrysler, soul by Satan” ’58 Plymouth Fury that could return to showroom condition after being engulfed in flames and making griddle cakes out of thugs.

Then came Maximum Overdrive (another Stephen King adapted movie) in 1986 that not only turns a huge truck (with Spider-Man’s bestie the Green Goblin’s face on the front grill) into a “devastation wagon,” but anything mechanical that held a grudge against their human slave masters. (Can opener: “Take that, you opposable digit oppressors!”)

Let us not forget the Australian Road Train (aka, Road Kill), which came out in 2010. In that one the monster truck is a rolling grindhouse, running on the goop left over after it throws you in the back and food processes you into energy-efficient goop. (They got this idea from 2007’s really funny dark horror comedy, Blood Car.)

While we’re on the subject of all things vehicular homicidal, there’s the “destined for the junk yard” Super Hybrid (2010) that had a souped up Prius™-y type hybrid not yielding to the right of way of pedestrians.

Want more? There’s plenty out there – especially on the freeway.

The Sand: Dirt-y Horror

The Sand, arriving October 13, 2015 on DVD/VOD, is the type of brainless horror movie that belongs in one of those $3 bins next to the Slim-Jims™ and Tic Tacs™ at a gas station mini-mart.

Why am I being so gently harsh? Two reasons – first, the plot: After an all-night graduation beach party, a group of hungover twenty-somethings awake to a beating sun, and a seemingly carnivorous beach that devours anything with a heartbeat that touches the sand.”

Hungover twenty-somethings – clearly the movie’s target audience.

Secondly, The Sand, with its painfully dumb title, steals directly from 1980’s Blood Beach, wherein: “One by one, something is attacking people on the beach. Some are mutilated, but most are sucked into the sand, disappearing without a trace.”

That was 35 years ago. And The Sand takes its cover from Blood Beach (and even The Evil Dead/1981) as well. Horror never forgets.

To be fair – and I’m usually not – Tremors (1990), with burrowing, giant Graboid slugs sucking you into the dirt for feasting purposes, lifted BB’s premise as well.

A few fun facts about Blood Beach: It cleverly re-purposed Jaws 2’s (1978) famous tagline of “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water…” and turned it into: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water – you can’t get to it!” Brilliant, I tell you.

Also, Blood Beach starred the salty Burt Young, who also played the super mean dad in Amityville II: The Possession (1982).

I am a veritable fountain of useless knowledge.

The Unending Horror of Amityville

It isn’t schedule for release until 2016, but already red flags are going up around the impending Amityville – The Awakening, another coattail rider in the beleaguered Amityville Horror franchise, which started in 1979. (Amityville: The Awakening is the 14th offering in a once-kinda cool but now painfully laughable series.)

And they haven’t decided what to call it. Wikipedia has it listed as Amityville: The Reawakening, but the ad posters simply have it titled as Amityville: The Awakening. The irony here is that the sequel will probably put you to sleep (if the trailer is any indication). Here’s some more knuckleheadedness – Wikipedia™ states that the movie was released on January 2, 2015, yet IMDB.com says it comes out in April of 2016. Somebody needs to re-awake, pick a lane, and drive in it.

So here’s how they go to the cursed well one more time: “Belle, her little sister Juliet, and her comatose twin brother James move into a new house with their single mother Joan in order to save money to help pay for her brother’s expensive healthcare.”

“But when strange phenomena begin to occur in the house including the miraculous recovery of her brother and Belle’s increasingly horrifying nightmares, Belle begins to suspect her mother isn’t telling her everything and soon realizes they just moved into the infamous Amityville house.”

Weak. Clearly, after 14 movies, they ran out of ways to cash in other than to cram “Amityville” in the title and make leap of believability to place everyone back in the most infamous haunted house in the world. They should call it Amityville: The Re-Sleepening.