Archive for Amityville Horror

Amityville Overdose, Slenderman Diet, Human Popsicles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Amityville Horror: A True Story

Just when you think they couldn’t milk one more drop out of the Amityville Horror movie franchise cow, now word comes down the udder that 1974, a movie based on the true murders that happened in the infamous Amityville house, is going into production in September, 2017. This will be the 20th such Amytiville movie since 1979. That’s about 19 too many. (By comparison, the Friday the 13th series steps up to the empty plate with a mere 12 titles. In your hockey mask, Jason — ha!)

From the Internet: “On November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. shot and killed six members of his family at 112 Ocean Avenue, a large Dutch Colonial house situated in a suburban neighborhood in Amityville, on the south shore of Long Island, NY. He was convicted of second-degree murder in November 1975. In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house. After 28 days, the Lutzes left the house, claiming to have been terrorized by paranormal phenomena while living there.”

This, of course, was the basis for the first movie. And a good one it was, providing neat jump moments, scary this and thats, a flying pig with glowing eyes (better than it sounds), and a bunch of flies forming a halo around a preachy preacher. (A nod to Alice Cooper on that one.)

So why do we need YET ANOTHER Amityville horror movie? Because apparently there’s a significant number of you out there that weren’t even born when the movie first came out. How is that even possible? Suggestion: If you know how to read, try the Jay Anson book (The Amityville Horror: A True Story/1979) of the horrific account first, though. Bonus: you won’t have to plug it in.

Speaking of things you won’t be able to swipe to the left, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth the flick of the wrist…

Witch's Doll

WITCH’S DOLL (2017)
“Ambitious young true crime writer Adeline Gray travels to a remote English village to unravel the mystery behind a family’s murder. While investigating the prime suspect’s now derelict ‘Manor in the woods’, she notices a creepy life-size Victorian doll is following her from room-to-room. After a series of terrifying and inexplicable events, she believes the doll is carrying a hateful spirit wanting to be left alone. Desperate for a career defining story, Adeline’s persistent search for answers soon puts her too at the mercy of the Witch’s Doll.”

Yep, a complete and utter RIP-OFF of Annabelle, the evil doll from The Conjuring/Annabelle: Creation RIP-OFFS. And it should come as no surprise this comes from The Asylum, who have made a thriving career out of RIPPING OFF other people’s intellectual property. Feeling RIPPED OFF? You should.

Realive

REALIVE (October 3, 2017)
“Marc experiences a terrible shock when, at just 32, he is diagnosed with a disease and is given one year to live, at best. Unable to accept his death, he decides to freeze his body before the disease can impair it. Sixty years later, an institution called Prodigy Health Corporation manages to revive him. Although his return to life comes with many medical complications, his body clings to life. It’s the soul that is harder to heal.”

I’m soulless, so bringing me back from a frozen stasis to remove that pesky purple thing on my neck isn’t an argument. And the whole “human snow cone” thing should fall under my discount medical coverage. It better.

Slenderman

SLENDERMAN (Friday, May 18, 2018)
“A tall, thin horrifying figure with unnaturally long arms and a featureless face, is reputed to be responsible for the haunting and disappearance of countless children and teens.”

Getting rid of kids and teens? Gotta say — I’m already liking this man of slender. If this catches on, what do you bet they’ll come out with the Slenderman Diet program?

Tabbot's Traveling Carnivale of Terror

TABBOT’S TRAVELING CARNIVALE OF TERRORS (October 31 2018)
“This traveling carnival, a well-oiled machine of malignant deception moving into its third generation of grinding up choice guests and spitting them out, runs according to its own twisted family plan. Each Tabbott plays their part: Papa, the ringleader and ringmaster; Mama, the fat witch on her throne; the children: Bobbie, a seductively cunning fortune teller; Buck, the temperamental werewolf; Elijah, a silent scarecrow; and their darling Emma, the ghostly child you’d do well not to ignore.”

Sounds like they’re descendants of 1964’s 2000 Maniacs. In that gruesomely brutal (yet still kinda funny) one, people were lured into a small Deep South town for a Centennial celebration where the residents graphically killed them into picnic-sized portions. Had something to do with revenge, the Civil War and the people who just can’t seem to let the loss go.

Paranormal Training Bra

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paranormal Halloween

Need a Halloween fix? Well, tie off horror junkies because here’s two new ones for you…

First up is a comedy horror movie that pays homage to horror movies that ripped off other horror movies. My head hurts. Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, releasing October 27, 2015, gives a laugh-shaped mouth shout-out to the pop ghostly culture likes of Insidious (2010), The Conjuring (2013), Amityville Horror (1979), Sinister (2012), and Paranormal Activity (2007). Kind of redundant as all those movies are full of funny stuff, intended or not.

Paranormal Halloween

If you haven’t seen the trailer for Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, here’s what materializes…

“It’s Halloween Eve and Caesar and Otto find themselves house-sitting for the world’s most unpopular Governor, Jerry Grayson. But after a series of ghostly visions, strange phenomenon and a demonic possession, the half-brothers call upon renowned exorcist Father Jason Stieger to help put a stop to this new nightmare. But in this house, nothing is what it seems and everyone is fair game for the mysterious forces at work…”

Who hires guys to house sit? That in itself is kinda scary, especially if there’s an unattended liquor cabinet full of spirits waiting to be released. Heh.

Out There In The Dark

Next is Out There In The Dark (2015), a ’tweener “horror” movie, starring two young teens gals who use their cell phones to try and Scooby-Doo a ghost in a big mansion. Thus: After visiting a haunted house, two teenage girls are plagued by supernatural phenomena that lead them to uncover a chilling secret.”

I bet the chilling secret is they discover why they call ’em training bras.

Out There In The Dark

Wrecker: Tab-Expired Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 11, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wrecker

It’s always painful to see Hollywood to run so dry of ideas that they shell out good pocket coupons to produce cheap/cheesy horror like Wrecker (releasing November 6, 2015): “Best friends Emily and Lesley go on a road trip to the desert. When Emily decides to get off the highway and take a ‘short cut,’ they become the target of a relentless and psychotic trucker who forces them to play a deadly game of cat and mouse.”

Wrecker

Not only is Wrecker NOT an original idea with a crappy title, who would pay to see a movie what you can see on a freeway any day of the week?

Duel / The Car

Wrecker’s plot is a direct lift from Stephen Spielberg’s Duel (1971), in which McCloud (or “Dennis Weaver”) is relentlessly pursued across dirty desert back roads by a 18-wheeler driven by a malevolent invisible trucker.

This was mimicked by Elliot Silverstein’s The Car in 1977, in which Amityville Horror’s James Brolin goes up against a possessed black car that “vroom-thump-thumps” anyone brave enough to use a crosswalk in Utah.

Christine / Maximum Overdrive

And picking up the pieces and running with that, who could forget Christine, the 1983 Stephen King horror movie that featured a “body by Chrysler, soul by Satan” ’58 Plymouth Fury that could return to showroom condition after being engulfed in flames and making griddle cakes out of thugs.

Then came Maximum Overdrive (another Stephen King adapted movie) in 1986 that not only turns a huge truck (with Spider-Man’s bestie the Green Goblin’s face on the front grill) into a “devastation wagon,” but anything mechanical that held a grudge against their human slave masters. (Can opener: “Take that, you opposable digit oppressors!”)

Road Train / Blood Car

Let us not forget the Australian Road Train (aka, Road Kill), which came out in 2010. In that one the monster truck is a rolling grindhouse, running on the goop left over after it throws you in the back and food processes you into energy-efficient goop. (They got this idea from 2007’s really funny dark horror comedy, Blood Car.)

Super Hybrid

While we’re on the subject of all things vehicular homicidal, there’s the “destined for the junk yard” Super Hybrid (2010) that had a souped up Prius™-y type hybrid not yielding to the right of way of pedestrians.

Want more? There’s plenty out there – especially on the freeway.

The Sand: Dirt-y Horror

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Sand

The Sand, arriving October 13, 2015 on DVD/VOD, is the type of brainless horror movie that belongs in one of those $3 bins next to the Slim-Jims™ and Tic Tacs™ at a gas station mini-mart.

The Sand

Why am I being so gently harsh? Two reasons – first, the plot: After an all-night graduation beach party, a group of hungover twenty-somethings awake to a beating sun, and a seemingly carnivorous beach that devours anything with a heartbeat that touches the sand.”

Hungover twenty-somethings – clearly the movie’s target audience.

Blood Beach

Secondly, The Sand, with its painfully dumb title, steals directly from 1980’s Blood Beach, wherein: “One by one, something is attacking people on the beach. Some are mutilated, but most are sucked into the sand, disappearing without a trace.”

Blood Beach

That was 35 years ago. And The Sand takes its cover from Blood Beach (and even The Evil Dead/1981) as well. Horror never forgets.

To be fair – and I’m usually not – Tremors (1990), with burrowing, giant Graboid slugs sucking you into the dirt for feasting purposes, lifted BB’s premise as well.

Tremors

A few fun facts about Blood Beach: It cleverly re-purposed Jaws 2’s (1978) famous tagline of “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water…” and turned it into: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water – you can’t get to it!” Brilliant, I tell you.

Burt Young

Also, Blood Beach starred the salty Burt Young, who also played the super mean dad in Amityville II: The Possession (1982).

I am a veritable fountain of useless knowledge.

The Unending Horror of Amityville

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amityville: The Awakening

It isn’t schedule for release until 2016, but already red flags are going up around the impending Amityville – The Awakening, another coattail rider in the beleaguered Amityville Horror franchise, which started in 1979. (Amityville: The Awakening is the 14th offering in a once-kinda cool but now painfully laughable series.)

And they haven’t decided what to call it. Wikipedia has it listed as Amityville: The Reawakening, but the ad posters simply have it titled as Amityville: The Awakening. The irony here is that the sequel will probably put you to sleep (if the trailer is any indication). Here’s some more knuckleheadedness – Wikipedia™ states that the movie was released on January 2, 2015, yet IMDB.com says it comes out in April of 2016. Somebody needs to re-awake, pick a lane, and drive in it.

Amityville: The Awakening

So here’s how they go to the cursed well one more time: “Belle, her little sister Juliet, and her comatose twin brother James move into a new house with their single mother Joan in order to save money to help pay for her brother’s expensive healthcare.”

“But when strange phenomena begin to occur in the house including the miraculous recovery of her brother and Belle’s increasingly horrifying nightmares, Belle begins to suspect her mother isn’t telling her everything and soon realizes they just moved into the infamous Amityville house.”

Amityville: The Awakening

Weak. Clearly, after 14 movies, they ran out of ways to cash in other than to cram “Amityville” in the title and make leap of believability to place everyone back in the most infamous haunted house in the world. They should call it Amityville: The Re-Sleepening.