Gruesome Gingerbread, Bowling Gremlins, Army of Monsters

Hereditary (2018) was not only a deliciously shocking and f’d up acclaimed horror movie, it’s also edible. And by edible, I mean, you can eat it — now that its inspired a gingerbread house modeled after the movie’s famous final scene in a treehouse. You know the one — where (SPOILER — RUN AWAY!) Charlie is possessed and his mom’s headless corpse is in the treehouse with him, as is his sister’s (SPOILER ALERT — KEEP RUNNING!) head, which is also a nice addition to the tasteful treehouse decor. 

Here’s the yummy details: “A24 is selling the Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit, which includes a cast iron mold plate, along with a plastic treehouse base, recipe card, instruction booklet, and a tealight to illuminate your treehouse at night. Made from food-safe plastic, the base includes a forest-floor textured base plate, four ‘birch’ legs, a platform, and a ladder.” The price? A head-chopping $62.00.

The Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit ships December 16, 2022. That’s this year in case it slipped your…HEAD. So while you rush to order it (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as killer gingerbread…

SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA 2 / December 2, 2022 (Full Moon Features Streaming)

“The babes are back! And so is everyone’s favorite wish-grantin’, murder-lovin’ mischievous gremlin, the Imp. The Pi Epsilon Delta sorority house has seen better days, but the girls are intent on gaining some new recruits. With housemother Auntie Snake as their guide, the naughty hijinks and hilarity begin. Meanwhile, though, the Bowl-O-Rama bowling alley has had a break-in, and a breakout. With the escape of the magical and murderous Imp, it’s a fight for survival, with only one mysterious girl holding the answers to the riddle of the Imp’s wish.”

The original Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama came out in 1988 and showed women’s panties and chestular areas. Didn’t need the lingerie section of the Sears™ catalogue after that.

THE DEATH OF APRIL / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Meagan Mullen, freshly moved into her East Coast home, keeps in touch with her friends and family through a video blog. As her entries — and her life — become more complex and emotional, strange things begin to happen in her apartment and the camera captures all of it.”

Here’s an example of one of her video blogs: “Rewatched The Handmaid’s Tale…washed hair again…drank wine and shopped on Amazon.com…found yet another ghost caught in the dryer’s lint trap…”

HOW TO KILL MONSTERS / release pending 2023 (VOD)

Jamie Lancaster is the sole survivor of a blood-drenched massacre at a remote cabin in the woods. Claiming her friends were torn apart and eaten by a horrific monster, she’s arrested by the local cops and locked up for a crime she didn’t commit. Jamie’s claims of innocence are all too real when the entire police station is ripped from our reality and thrown into a nightmarish dimension of Lovecraftian creatures hungry for human flesh. Jamie must team up with a bunch of rookie cops and lawbreakers to hack and slash their way through an army of monsters and find a way to get back home before it is too late.”

Sounds like the cousin to 2011’s Cabin In The Woods. That one had every monster ever created in it, with a really big one at the end. I shan’t spoil it for you…EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO.

BAD ACID / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An accidental bad trip goes heinously awry into the land of neon and spandex. A very Heathers-esque accidental ingestion turns the neon assault of a teen girl’s bedroom into a fluorescent (well-toned) hellscape.”

Don’t do drugs or you’ll end up in jail wearing neon-colored spandex, much to the delight of lifer inmates.

Vampire Shirts, Florida Bigfoot, Giant Chicks

Interview With The Vampire, based on the 1976 horror Goth literary bible by author Anne Rice, premiered November 1994. It had handsome, albeit emotionally turbulent vampires, frilly shirts, deep throating, and — get this — even MORE frilly shirts, MORE vampires and MORE deep throating. It’s like a frilly shirt with extra frills.

Now AMC has rebooted the immortal story into a series and its already been renewed for a second season — ahead of the first season’s debut on October 2, 2022. Unlike vampires, this doesn’t suck and means we’re likely in for one heck of a fang bang.

The original movie’s plot: “A vampire tells his epic life story of love, betrayal, loneliness, and hunger.” 

Boo-hoo. Why do Emo vampires always feel sorry for themselves? How about some cheese to go with that whine? Heck, vampires get to live forever, barring confrontations with churchifixes, medium-rare stakes and bothersome Vitamin D-enriched daylight. They can shape-shift (handy when your first choice restroom is occupied and your bladder is about to go Defcon #1), party all night and sleep all day, and never have to go to the dentist (vampires prefer overbites to braces).

While we’re trying to picture a vampire with Invisline™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have frilly shirts in ’em…

THE WILD MAN / September 30, 2022 (Digital)

“Young women have been going missing in Ochopee, FL without a single suspect in custody. Sara, a young journalist, convinces her crew to join her investigation as she travels to Ochopee to document her discoveries, but they soon realize their presence in town is not welcome. What they discover is a secret deeper than fairy tales and legends — it’s much darker and more sinister than bargained for.”

What could be darker and more sinister than naming your town ‘Ochopee’? Geez, how do you even pronounce it? I think I got the “pee” part right, though. I usually do.

MYSTERY SPOT / October 7, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A number of lost souls find refuge in a small motel in the middle of nowhere, its only distinguishing characteristic being the ruins of an old Mystery Spot — a long-dead roadside attraction with strange metaphysical powers. Everyone at the Mystery Spot will be affected by its unique properties, but only some will survive its reality-shattering implications.”

I should like to visit this Mystery Spot so as to be imbued with unique properties. The ones I currently have aren’t pulling their weight. Indestructible liver, my ass.

SPIRIT HALLOWEEN: THE MOVIE / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“When a Spirit Halloween™ store opens in a deserted strip mall, three middle school friends who think they’ve outgrown trick or treating make a dare to spend the night locked inside the store Halloween night. But they soon find out that the store is haunted by an angry evil spirit who has possessed the creepy animatronic characters. The kids will need to embark on a thrilling and spooky adventure in order to survive the night and avoid becoming possessed themselves.”

So a Halloween movie about the real-life Halloween pop-up superstore with socially-arrogant kids locked in it. You might wanna ask permission from Chopping Mall (1986) if it’d be okay to steal their plot.

GIANTESS BATTLE ATTACK / October 2022 (Full Moon Features Channel/Amazon Prime Video)

“Beverly Wood is one of the biggest stars on social media. Millions of fans subscribe to her sexy cam shows and buy her products and it seems like everyone loves her. Everyone that is except her husband and Fuschia, the young upstart who secretly plots to bring Beverly down and take over her online empire forever!”

“But when Beverly’s latest — and untested — brand ‘Unholy Meat-rimony’ gives her some gargantuan side effects, she becomes an even BIGGER force to be reckoned with! Ballooning to beastly proportions, the now 50 foot tall influencer becomes super large, totally in charge and ready for revenge in this wacky comedy that’s positively bursting at the seams!”

Never understood why women who grow into giants (i.e., Attack of the 50-foot Woman/1958) have their clothes grow as well. It’s just not fair, dang it.