Archive for the TV Vixens Category

Snuff TV

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Videodrome

Looking to get better ratings for his state-of-the-art UHF Canadian TV station, Max Renn, the station’s boss, decides that sex and violence simply isn’t enough. (Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.)

Videodrome

So Max meets up with a guy who operates an illegal satellite dish that can intercept programming from different countries, ones that consider sex and violence nothing but Disney Channel™ fodder. But what he shows Max is a TV show from Malaysia that broadcasts real-life snuff footage. Score! Max believes this to be just what his station needs. (Bye-bye advertisers.)

Videodrome

But what Max doesn’t know is that the TV signal called Videodrome causes the viewer to get all surreal in the senses and hallucinate as if on illegal drugs. In other words, big time ratings, except its working on Max big time.

Videodrome

The gorgeous Deborah Harry of Blondie fame plays Nicki, a psychiatrist. Perfect choice for Max’s new concept of mind-bending television. He starts dating her and, after watching Videodrome, do naughty naked stuff in a rough and tumble manner. Better still, she wants to be on that show. Well heck, double score!

Videodrome

The big revelation (and not a spoiler) is that the TV signal isn’t being broadcast from Malaysia, but Pittsburgh. Once that’s discovered, Videodrome (1983) gets all futuristic punk rock crazy town, with Max having visions of his own flesh being turned into a weapon (there’s a gun in his stomach) and his TV exploding human guts ’n gunk out of the screen. His quotable last words before shooting himself with his tummy gun: “Long live the new flesh!” Preachin’ to the choir, Max.

Videodrome

There’s a Republican Big Brother aspect to all of this, with the real guy in charge trying to wipe out all of us TV watching lowlifes by giving us brain tumors via his channel. As if that hasn’t already happened by watching regular TV programming.

El Chupacabra vs. The Law

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Guns of El Chupacabra

Jack B. Quick is a space sheriff, whose job on Earth, is to eliminate that pesky sucker of goats, the legendary Chupacabra. He’ll have his Jack hands full; this Chupacabra is six-feet tall, looks like a cross between a seafood platter entree and Japanese pro wrestler, and is actually the presumably housebroken pet of Lord Invader.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Sent by the Queen Bee and King Allmedia (are you groaning out loud yet?), Jack has to be Quick around the Chupacabra in order to not get his goat blood sucked or admonished by the Queen, whose shirt stuffers are metaphorically the size of orbiting planets.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Jack chases Chupacabra around in his spacecraft, an early model Plymouth. To assist in his quest, he packs a shotgun (easily purchased throughout the galaxy). He also has to slap Lord Invader upside the head for letting his pet go outside his interstellar front yard. And if all of this doesn’t leave you gasping for logic, rocket ranger Dan Danger (now would be another good time to groan audibly) shows up to verbally walk us through this land mine-ridden story line. If Jack B. Quick succeeds, he’ll be knighted. If not, food stamps.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Working on a budget so low, the actors themselves paid for it (in more ways than one). Guns of El Chupacabra (1997) is a sci-fi comedy with a half-decent monster costume, wincing dialogue/references, and Julie Strain, who I would pay to just see stand there for 90 or so minutes.

The Horror of Exercising

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Spa

Someone or something is gruesomely canceling gym memberships for the patrons of Los Angeles’ hi-tech Starbody Health Spa, a sort of fitness, nightclub and disco playground where big hair and big muscles populate the landscape.

Death Spa

One fully naked gal is temporarily rendered blind by chlorine steam in the sauna. Another gal belly flops in a pool when the diving board mysteriously unbolts itself. A shower room occupied by super wet supermodels nearly get steam broiled in the locked locker room. A tanning bed turns into a human toaster. A woman gets her hand shredded off in a cocktail blender gone rogue. And a exercise machine literally rips a mullet-wearing guy in half. Feel the burn, then shake it off.

Death Spa

No one can figure out why this poser palace is going awry. Michael Evans, the club’s handsome owner, believes his ghost wife, who earlier doused herself with gasoline and did her impression of a car tire fire, is behind the mutilations/killings. He’s unfortunately right.

Death Spa

His wife’s suicide was never fully explained, but Micheal thinks it’s because she was with child, and then not. As she revenge returns from the grave (leaving typed messages on Mike’s computer, invading his dreams, using the gym’s facilities and skipping out on towel fees), she ends up possessing her brother, who works for Michael and blames him for his sister’s BBQ. Do your best to figure out what happens next.

Death Spa

1989’s Death Spa (aka, Witch Bitch) throws everything into the exercise program — choreographed disco dancing exercise classes, skin-tight work-out spandex, rampant full frontal nudity (a marketing ploy featuring perfectly fit bodies), day-glo clothes, stacked hair and gore scenes so bad, you almost wish they’d cut back to the disco classes. (Note: Disco has never not sucked.) You already know how this movie ends.

Death Spa

P.S. If you want to augment your disco horror fitness regime, watch 1987’s Killer Workout (aka, Aerobicide). Feel the burn, then shake it off.

Power Women, Wormholes, Babysitting the Devil

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Year of the Woman

Whilst watching the recent Critics Choice Awards on the ‘ol viewing box (once again, I failed to make it into any category), it was refreshing to see the continued and passionate support of the #TimesUp movement, and to see those who did win awards, not squander their prime time speeches on themselves/politics/UFOs, and kept echoing the point of gender inequality. This was the best part of the show.

Year of the Woman

Kumail Nanjiani, the voice of Prismo on Adventure Time (one of the most imaginative, non-alcohol-fueled cartoon series out there), had this to say during his acceptance speech for The Big Sick/Best Comedy: “I think as men, we have been talking for centuries. It’s time for us to shut up, listen, and amplify.”

year of the Woman

In the spirit of that, and given that 2018 is clearly the Year of the Woman, I hereby lend my support and nominate as movement ambassador, Ellen Ripley from Alien (1979) and for being a take-charge role model and a kick buttock lady who kicks xenomorph buttock all over the galaxy. (Other personal candidates are Diana Prince (Wonder Woman), Natalia Romanova/Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow from Avengers/2012), Melinda May (Marvel’s Agents of Shield) and Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time).

While everyone waits on you to chime in (and please do) with your candidates for Woman/Women of the Year (and every year), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may do better with Ripley/Princess Bubblegum in the lead…

The Beyond

THE BEYOND (available now)
“Set in 2019, The Beyond chronicles the groundbreaking mission which sent astronauts — modified with advanced robotics — through a newly discovered wormhole known as the Void. When the mission returns unexpectedly, the space agency races to discover what the astronauts encountered on their first of its kind interstellar space journey.”

It’d be cool to go into space with an advanced robot. Think of all the cool slot-machine beating tips it could teach you. As wormholes go, the ones in my neighborhood could be called the Void. But I prefer their Earth names: The Poggie Tavern, The Tug Tavern, The Maha… (I could keep going into the Void if you want.)

A Demon Within

A DEMON WITHIN (available now)
“A young girl dies in 1914 after a demonic spirit preys on her family. Decades later, a skeptical doctor must stop history from repeating itself by confronting his own demons to save the life of a possessed teenager.”

Seems like everyone is getting possessed these days. Used to be everyone wanted to get married. (If you wanna know what Hell on Earth is, put a ring on it.)

House of Salem

HOUSE OF SALEM (January 23, 2018)
“A group of kidnappers become a child’s unlikely protectors after discovering they have unwittingly been set up to take part in a satanic ritual. As they begin to uncover the truth of the house they find themselves trapped, they must battle demonic forces and uncover a legacy of over a hundred years of murder in the name of the Devil.”

So criminals have to become babysitters? This sounds like a rom-com. Throw in the Devil and madcap situations ensue with hilarious results.

Wastelander

WASTELANDER (January 23, 2018)
“In a post-apocalyptic landscape, an ex-soldier wanders in search of his lost home and family. Along the way, he joins a makeshift group of survivors who convince him to lead them through the wasteland. But when a band of pillaging raiders comes after them, they must fight to survive in this cruel dystopia.”

Wonder why they always frame the future as the Earth having been Napoleon Blown Apart? My vision of the many days after tomorrow include jet-packs, pleasure-bots and self-washing hair.

Naked Ghost

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Haunted

The generically-titled Haunted (1995) is a supernatural thriller with sexy results set in the early 1900s. And by sexy, I mean seeing a young and fetching Kate Beckinsale de-clothed and having premarital bouncy-bounce with the parapsychologist investigating her and her two brother’s Edbrook Manor to see if it’s really haunted.

Haunted

Professor David Ash is tormented by the drowning death of his sister. (Hello — did the sign not say “no lifeguard on duty”?) So he goes around debunking ghosts, even though his sister is one. When he arrives at Edbrook it doesn’t take long for eerie doo doo to start hitting the eerie fan.

HauntedIt’s all standard ghost house stuff, but the best part happens when Kate de-clothes herself. She doesn’t really need ’em because she and her brother are the poltergeists that are haunting their own house. (Don’t give me that look — you would’ve figured it out 15 minutes into the flick.) Just watch it to see Kate do with the professor what she won’t be doing with you.

Haunted

The Goblin and the Girl

Posted in Foreign Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Nightmare

17-about-to-turn-18 Tina has more to worry about than being therapy and pill treated for psychosis, parental alienation, imagining being smooshed by a speeding car, and an imaginary, small lumpy creature with sightless eyes that makes sounds like a bird with a reverse beak. Through all this she goes to parties to where they play nothing but EDM (Electronic Dance Music). I’m surprised they haven’t thrown her into the loony bin by now as that “music” will rot your brain, the irony being you don’t need a brain to be into EDM.

The Nightmare

Tina’s condition gets worse, her friends thinks she’s a loon, the misshapen creature is raiding the fridge (he better leave the beer ALONE) and her parents are about to commit her to an insane asylum. All the while she walks around in short shorts so short almost the entire movie, I’ve seen people wear bigger smiles.

The Nightmare

Tina’s into a handicapped DJ (an oxymoron) with fuscia hair who plans on deejaying her 18th birthday party. Earlier, she had a meltdown when, FINALLY, her parents “see” the creature in her bedroom (she earlier befriended the little lump) and beat the leftovers out of it with a curtain rod. The cops show up and Lumpy is taken to a hospital and put on a respirator. Whatever happens to Lumpy, happens to Tina. Good thing that doesn’t work in reverse as I don’t think I could stomach a gray goblin in hot pants.

The Nightmare

Tina skanks it up good for her party, sneaks out of the house in tight spandex, weird facial makeup, ratted hair, stiletto heels, and somehow tracks down Lumpy at the hospital and kidnaps him, all under the watchful eyes of the hospital staff. (They did yell “Hey!” at her; so they fulfilled their script obligation.)

The Nightmare

Arriving at the party with Lumpy, her friends all now see Tina wasn’t lying about seeing things. She rightfully smirks. Then her mom and dad show up and it’s the curtain rod treatment again. Somehow Tina escapes with the Lumpster and they drive off in her dad’s car. At this point two things happen (besides a few flashbacks): one is that Tina is in the back seat. Guess where Lumpy is?

The Nightmare

The Nightmare (aka, Der Nachtmahr/2015) is a German movie with subtitles, and yet, during a school class with a teacher of all things, everybody starts talking in better English than I’ve ever managed. The movie was/is planned as a trilogy, so don’t try to figure it all out — just like EDM.

Sea Sex

Posted in Misc. Horror, TV Vixens on January 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Donkey Punch

In the sex-at-sea-gone-wrong horror thriller Donkey Punch (2008), three horny college girls on vacation accept an offer to do some industrial strength partying on board a yacht with four horny guys. I doubt any of ’em planned on wearing a life-jacket, let alone other forms of ocean-going protection.

Donkey Punch

A few drinks, some drugs and a video camera was all it took to get the party started. The kid with the camera is goaded into having sexualizings with one gal, who is up for sharing her heaving bounty. (No sunken chest here.) Good for him. The older guy goads him into giving her a “donkey punch,” a fist whack to the back of the girl’s head at the crucial moment, in order to take said crucial moment to the extreme, dude. He breaks her neck and freshness expires her. Bad for him. Even worse, it was all caught on camera.

Donkey Punch

The remaining two girls freak out, which pretty much kills (sorry) the mood. The guys, on the yacht that isn’t even theirs, decide to wrap the dead girl in a sheet and toss her overboard. How environmentally insensitive — a sea turle could get its neck caught in that thing.

Donkey Punch

It’s right about here the gruesome events kick into overdrive and some really heinous panicky stuff  transpires. Everybody’s dark side comes out and they do things to each other that you’d normally see in psycho horror movies. In fact, several death scenes are shocking enough to make you seasick. The party started out with seven people. If you know math, start subtracting.

Donkey Punch

Yeah, the subject matter is as dumb as the title, but the filmmakers managed several white-knuckle scenes to keep it from sinking in a sheet-filled ocean of predictable horror clichés. Unlike the girl with the broken neck.