California Screamin’, Sci-Fi Republicans, Hot Jedi Knights

Midsummer Scream™ is the world’s largest Halloween and Horror convention, and is returning July 28-30, 2023 to the Long Beach Convention Center (presumably in Long Beach), and promises “Hall of Shadows, a massive dark zone featuring a stunning array of haunted attractions, interactive photo ops, and live entertainment as creatures lurk and screams flow from the swirling fog.” They had me at swirling fog.

From the MidsummerScream.org’s website: “As we celebrate horror games of all types this year at Midsummer Scream, the theme of this year’s Hall of Shadows is Dungeons & Demons, which pays homage to the OG ‘monster’ game that we all grew up with and still love to this day: Dungeons & Dragons,” says Rick West, Co-Founder and Creative Director of Midsummer Scream. “We’ve invited our haunters this year to let their imaginations run wild and, where possible, to incorporate some kind of gamification or interactive element into their Hall of Shadows creations. Everyone is excited and hard at work to bring fans the most epic Hall of Shadows yet!”

That’s an understatement — go to MidsummerScream.org to see an endless amount of exhibitions, the Decayed Brigade, with their “high-energy sliding maneuvers and pulse-pounding stunts” being a highlight. Tickets to this holy celebration range from a nicely-priced $65 (+ $4 fee) for a weekend pass, and a coveted VIP Gold Bat Pass for $140. Daily passes go for $35 to $50, a screaming deal. 

So while we eagerly snap up tickets (buy now) and get our cosplay on (I’m dressing up as a Facehugger again — line up, ladies!), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not have swirling fog in ’em…

SECRET INVASION / June 21, 2023 (Disney+™)

“Nick Fury uncovers a conspiracy for a group of shape-shifting Skrulls to infiltrate Earth in positions of power around the world, recruiting Everett K. Ross, Maria Hill, and Talos to stop it and save humanity.”

Ugh — more Republicans. Where’s Thanos when you need him?

‘TIL DEATH DO US PART / August 4, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“After running away on her wedding day, a bride-to-be must fight for survival against her former fiancé and his seven deadly groomsmen. In the ultimate horror showdown, the groomsmen soon discover that she has no intention of going back to the life she left behind.”

Exact same plot as Bury The Bride, which came out exactly in April of 2023.

HEIR OF THE WITCH / August 4, 2022 (VOD)

“An underprivileged seamstress, haunted by her past, seeks love and acceptance in high society but is faced with the curse from her evil roots.”

An underprivileged seamstress is haunted by her past AND cursed? Say it ain’t sew.

AHSOKA / August 21, 2023 (Disney+™)

“After the fall of the Galactic Empire, former Jedi Knight Ahsoka Tano investigates an emerging threat. She’s on a mission to find Ezra Bridger, who was lost in distant space during a previous battle. There’s danger along the way, as she’ll be forced to fight her way to the lost rebel. The Empire is still intact enough to trail Ahsoka through the galaxy on her quest to bring her friend home.”

Ahsoka was one of the standouts in the season 2 of The Mandalorian, which featured that little green testicle with big ears everybody wants to fondle.

Monster Auction, Pharmaceutical Felines, Terrible Whales

Got a few hundred thousand spare bitcoin laying around? Then you might wanna head over to PropstoreAuction and get your fan freak on at all the cool movie memorabilia going up for grabs in Los Angeles, June 28 — 30, 2023. And you can preorder the auction catalog for a wallet-stopping $60 to see all the horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie props going up on the auction chopping block. (click here)

Want the evil clown doll from Poltergeist (1982)? It’s expected to bid out between $200,000 to $400,000. Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia dress from the original Star Wars movies and the Batpod used by Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008)? Yeah, projected to fetch around $2,000,000 each. Need Harry Potter’s distressed costume with glasses from 2002’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Expensive, but you do need a new enchanted bathrobe, yes?

Other props include Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Thor’s cracked Mjolnir hammer used by both Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth in 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder, one of Harrison Ford’s costumes from Blade Runner (1982), and that super scary spider head from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

From PropstoreAuction’s website: “Propstore is holding a preview exhibition at its office facility in Valencia, CA by appointment from May 29 to June 20. The exhibition will feature over 80 lots, giving fans and hopeful bidders the chance to see props and costumes from the auction up close and ask questions to the specialists.” Click here for more info than I have time to include.

So while we all fantasize about driving the Batpod to the store while wearing Princess Lei’s dress and Jason’s hockey mask, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as super scary as a spider head…

COCAINE COUGAR / Out now (DVD/Blu-ray), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wrecks havoc on Los Angeles.”

Cougars in L.A. doing cocaine? When haven’t they? 

MOTHER, MAY I? / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Emmett wants to clean and flip his recently deceased mother’s house: get in, get out, and avoid any trauma still lingering from when she abandoned him as a young child. Anya, his fiancé, see’s this as an opportunity to finally force Emmett to deal with his trauma because she believes it is preventing him from being the partner she needs. So she convinces him to take mushrooms to get him to let go. But something strange happens while they’re tripping: she starts behaving like his mother. The next morning he wakes up sober, but she still won’t drop the act. Anya loves playing games — is this her taking it too far? Or did his mother’s spirit somehow possess her?”

This is what happens when you take drugs. Stick to beer and stay out of trouble. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

WHALE GOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD/DVD/Blu-ray™)

“Once a year, the quiet fishing village of Wadaura in Southern Japan is in a turmoil. The whalers have always concentrated their efforts to try and catch a Killer Whale which is easily twice as large as an ordinary leviathan, and passes by in the offing at the same time every year. Shaki, whose grandfather, father, and elder brother were all victims of the Killer Whale, is determined to kill it. As an inducement, the headman of the village promises to give his only daughter and all his possessions to anyone who succeeds in disposing of the terrible whale.”

This one came out in Japan in 1962 marketed under the generic title, Killer Whale. Now, six decades later, we’re finally gonna be able to see this lost Kaiju movie, with the title amphibian being a practical special effect and, get this, built to scale! Watch the trailer on YouTube™ to see how b*tchin’ cool this Orcinus orca is.

THE MOVERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A close-knit family who moves into a seemingly charming neighborhood, only to discover all is not what it appears. As they face persistent threats, the family begins to question their reality and the world around them. It’s a nightmarish universe of deceiving angels and compassionate demons, lost souls desperately seeking a way out.”

I live in a seemingly charming neighborhood as well, and it has a deceiving angel (me) and compassionate demons (Amazon™ delivery people). 

Macabre Music, Voodoo Teenagers, Evil Boat Safety

Wednesday, the monster murder mystery spin-off of The Addams Family, became a global phenomenon with its premier on November 22, 2023, and is Netflix’s™ most popular comedy series to date. That’s an understatement. According to my exhaustive research (cut ’n pasting from Wikipedia™), Wednesday holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix™ series with a total 341.2 million hours watched in its first week of release, amounting to more than 50 million households, and passing prior record holder Stranger Things 4’s 335.01 million hours. Nielsen Media Research™ reported a combined watch time of 6 billion minutes within its first week of release, making it the second-biggest streaming week ever recorded by the firm.” 

Foaming at the mouth fans cite the series’ music as an ongoing highlight. And now you can get the soundtrack as limited edition colored vinyl to quench your Wednesday obsession. From the press release: “Wednesday’s first season soundtrack is available on vinyl for $35 via Lakeshore Records. Expected to ship in July/August 2023, the score is composed by Danny Elfman (Batman, Men in Black) and Chris Bacon (Bates Motel, Source Code). The album is pressed on 2xLP vinyl with three color variants: “Enid’s Pink Sweater” (Mondo™ exclusive, limited to 500), “Wednesday & Enid’s Room” (Walmart™ exclusive), and “Purple Goth with Smokey Shadow” (retail version). It’s housed in a gatefold jacket.”

It should be noted that the soundtrack does not contain the series’ other music, such as the nimble-fingered cello interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, the acoustic instrumental (or would that be “instrumetal”?) rendition of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, and The Cramps’ Goth punk pop, “Goo Goo Muck’, which sparked Wednesday’s dance craze and topped the charts over 40 years after its release in 1980. (P.S. “Goo Goo Muck” was written by Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads all the way back in 1962, the year non-dyed Goth punk pop was born.)

While we frantically preorder the soundtrack (take me there), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a Goth punk pop song…

DEVILREAUX / June 9, 2023 (VOD), July 18, 2023 (DVD)

“A series of murders in 1800s will be avenged by forbidden voodoo, woken up accidentally by a group of teenagers.”

Seems like this plot is backward: “A group of forbidden teenagers is woken up by voodoo.” Then change voodoo to social media.

BEDRIDDEN / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“On the evening of their anniversary, Ray is attacked and murdered by a masked assailant in a desolate motel room while his wife, Teri, is forced to watch. Teri now faces the reality of rebuilding her life as a single mom without her beloved husband. Desperate to communicate one last time with Ray, she uses a mysterious Ouija board to try to reach out to the other side. Doing so opens up a portal that puts her and her daughter’s lives in danger. When her worst fears seemingly come true, Teri finds herself bedridden and trapped in a cat-and-mouse game of life and death.”

So Teri uses a Ouija board to talk to her dead husband. She should be using Dead Speak Pro™, an app that connects you to the spirit world. It has lots of spooky features and is free on Google Play™.

MOTORBOAT / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“A rural lakeside community is terrorized by a demonic black boat prowling its waters, killing locals and turning the waters blood red. A fallen Priest and a no nonsense Harbor Patrol Captain have to fight a decades long evil, resurrected by a death cult, the Brotherhood of Darkness, led by the unstoppable Messiah Ward. It’s faith vs. hate in this battle for one town’s soul.”

This makes a mockery of life preservers. Not cool.

THE ONLY ONES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A seemingly harmless weekend getaway turns into a chaotic nightmare as this group proves that when you’ve got friends, who needs enemies?”

With a plot like that, who needs this movie?

Super Smock, Heavy Metal Death, Grasshopper Man

Yahoo! Life™ recently posted an article by writer Eric Dias titled, The Complete Supergirl Costume History From the ’50s to The Flash. A daunting task given it also includes her costume evolution through the comic book/graphic novels and TV shows as well as movies. Well-researched as the article is (read it here), it didn’t scratch the surface of all the Multiverse Forever 21s™ Supergirl shops at. (Note of debatable importance: It also didn’t acknowledge the 1920s AI fan-made Supergirl on YouTube™, sporting white ensemble with gold belt and black boots. At least I think it’s those colors — it’s all in black and white, which were the colors of the day in the ’20s.)

The article also left out the first two iterations of TV Supergirl’s costume, designed by co-worker Winn Schott (cool name). Both were, um, rather stripped down before settling on the classic cape ‘n skirt version from the comic books and the Supergirl movie from 1984. Also not noted was the Supergirl “costume” worn by Laura Vandervoort in the coming-of-age superhero CW™ TV series, Smallville (2001 – 2011). Her outfit was exactly like the iconic supersuit, except she didn’t have a cape or an “S” on her chest, which didn’t need embellishment.

This brings us to 2023’s Supergirl in the upcoming (as of this writing) The Flash movie, with Sasha Calle as Kara Zor-El wearing a costume that combines the TV Supergirl’s casual Friday pant suit with that of Superman, whose been wearing the same duds since 1938.

So while we all go shopping online to get our Supergirl cosplay on, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you look fat…

DAY ZERO / May 23, 2023 (VOD), June 11, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD)

“After serving eight incident-free years in prison, a former elite soldier is released, finally free to reunite with his estranged wife and young daughter. However, he re-enters civilization only to discover that the outside world has been completely overtaken by a dangerous virus with terrifying effects on the human body.”

What virus doesn’t have a dangerous effect on the body? I once caught smooth jazzitis after accidentally drinking a Zima™ from a dirty sippy cup (I thought it was vodka), but thanks to applied doses of Motörhead lozenges, I made a full recovery. 

DEATH METAL / May 30, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“A death metal band is on its last legs after a disastrous European tour and is about to be dropped by their label. Hiring a legendary producer from the Norwegian black metal scene, the band sets out to record their latest album in a remote farmhouse outfitted with top-of-the-line gear. Ivan, the lead guitarist, plans to record The Devil’s Concerto, a piece of music he brought back from Europe that — according to myth — drives audiences mad. What the band didn’t expect was that the myth was true, and they must now survive the curse that’s been unleashed.”

The Devil’s Concerto is played in the key of E(vil). Heh. Looking forward to the soundtrack as it includes concertos by Incantation, Cannibal Corpse, Shed the Skin, FaithXtractor, Embalmer, Nunslaughter, Blackfinger, The Convalescence, Prophecy of Azrael, and Casket Sacrifice. They all seem nice.

THE SOUND OF SUMMER / June 13, 2023 (Blu-ray)

In the relentless heat of the grueling summer, temperatures soar to blistering levels as cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song. Months of continued exposure is enough to make anyone start to feel a little off. Anyone, that is, except that oddity the locals call the Cicada Man. Who is that strange man and why is he always walking around with boxes full of live cicadas? More important, what does he do with them? As the heat starts to get to our heroine, and her sanity depletes, real life and delusion begin to mix. Her darkest nightmares seep into our world and she fears the Cicada Man has planted his swarm of insects inside her. She must get them out — at all costs. Thus begins her downward spiral into extreme paranoia and self-mutilation.”

Cicada is just a fancy word for grasshopper. Still, they had me at “cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.” Wouldn’t have the same zing if it was “grasshoppers emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.”

THE HOPEWELL HAUNTING / June 16 2023 (VOD)

“When a mysterious and frightened young couple arrives in the small town of Hopewell, they immediately flee their rural, dilapidated home in terror. With nowhere to go, they turn to an elderly, jaded preacher for help. After he begrudgingly agrees to bless their troubled abode, he finds himself face to face with the unknown in what locals have dubbed the most haunted house in Kentucky.”

Kentucky, eh? Maybe they should call this The Amityville Hillbilly.

Lucky Harms, Drunk UFOs, Farming Evil

There are two takeaways from the 1993 left-field cult classic, Leprechaun. It was made for one million lucky charms and grossed $8.6 million luckier charms. Secondly, it was Jennifer Aniston’s (Friends) first appearance in a movie. It also spawned seven sequels, one of which put the gold-seeking runt in outer space (Leprechaun 4/1997). Now you can get all the behind-the-scenes gold of Leprechaun with the just released book, The Making of the Movie Leprechaun — I Need Me Gold! by filmmaker B. Harrison Smith. 

From the press release: “Published in hardcover and paperback by BearManor Media™, the 306-page book chronicles the making of the 1993 cult classic, doubling as a how-to guide for independent filmmakers. It has been endorsed by Leprechaun writer-director Mark Jones and features a foreword by actor Ken Olandt. Follow director-writer Mark Jones’ journey from his early days in TV animation through The A-Team, The Fall Guy, Hunter, and so many more. This is a story of how a unique group of people came together to make an indie film under grueling pressure in a day before streaming and DVD. Want to make movies? Read this book to the rainbow at the end.”

While we click this to buy the $38.00 book, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature a greedy gnome and/or Jennifer Anniston…

ALIENS UNCOVERED: ORIGINS / Out now (VOD)

“Before Area 51, hidden deep in the desert, the military discovered a hidden gem that helped them cover up the UFO wave of 1947. Roswell was not the only event that took place. Arizona was home to three major UFO events that the public hardly knows about. These events helped create Project Bluebook.”

Been following UFO events since I learned how to spell “UFO.” (About the 4th grade.) I’ve often been asked if I’ve ever seen a UFO, to which I reply, “Depends on how much I’ve been drinking.” Stock answer, but I stand by it. 

THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOLE MINE / May 18, 2023 (VOD)

“Inside a long-abandoned gold mine, lurks the Shakani, a dark supernatural being conjured by the Shanowah tribe ages ago to defeat their enemies. Not only ferocious and fast, but can appear as anyone and get inside your mind. Luke’s ancestors trapped it in the mine but each has also gone crazy. Now Luke’s niece has come down with ‘the family curse.’ But Luke believes with the proper medical treatment she can be healed if only he can get the money to pay for it. So with a couple friends he tries his luck at the gold mine but gradually realizes he must defeat the Shakani and end the family curse.”

I looked up Shanowah to find out why they have a gold mine and won’t share it with anyone. Here is my search result: “A Shanowah is a girl who generally comes from the bush and loves horses. Most Shanowah have blonde hair and can’t spell very good.” Turns out I know a lot of Shanowah.

FIRST CONTACT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Casey and Dan, two estranged adult siblings, travel to their late scientist father’s farmhouse to make sense of his incomplete work. They soon learn that their father’s work was far more dangerous than they could ever imagine — an evil entity, buried in time and space for millions of years, has been released and has begun wreaking havoc on the locals. One by one the bodies start to pile up. Now, Dan and Casey must figure out the secrets of this extra-dimensional monster before it’s too late.”

An evil entity millions of years old. That’s a lot of extra-dimensional birthday cake candles.

BEARS ON A SHIP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After their flight gets canceled, a group of travelers take an offer on a ship voyage to their destination, unknowing that there are other passengers aboard — specifically, hungry murderous bears.”

The last time someone put bears on a boat, it didn’t end well. Just ask who in Noah’s family were left after the waters receded.

Hallowed By Thy Knife, Smart Sex, Pig Candy

Horror and sci-fi movie themed board games are all the rage these days, what with TV becoming increasingly annoying and…yeah, I’m saying it…boring. Never thought I’d utter those word in this lifetime, but there you go. So one of the new horror movie-based board games coming out September 15, 2023 (preorder here), is Halloween, built on the global phenomenon 1978 movie by the same name, whatever that is.

From the Trick or Treat Studios™ website: “It was the night HE came home…and one player must take on the role of Michael Myers! The others will control Laurie and her friends as they scramble to find weapons, the kids, and a way to escape. Their task will be made more difficult because Myers can only be seen when you’re looking right at him!” 

Cool! And for a mere $59.95, you can get in on the action. Speaking of, the Halloween character I’d like to play is Bob, the guy who drinks beer and has unprotected ’70s sex with P.J. Soles before being violated by Michael Myers’ stainless steel mascot. If you’re gonna go out, you might as well score before losing the game.

So while we go back and rewatch Halloween and hit pause during that one scene (you better know this one), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better than a cold beer and a hot knife right after engaging in unprotected sex…

CULT HERO / Out now (VOD)

In a world plagued by narcissistic cult leaders who wield their power and abandon their morals, only one hero can bring justice and restore order – Dale Domazar, otherwise known as the Cult Buster. After failing to bust a death cult before they commit mass suicide, a rough-around-the-edges Domazar finds himself the victim of online vitriol, and soon, his career is canceled. He tries to regain the respect he once had and figure out an angle for a new season of his show, Cult Buster.”

Wonder if Dale would come after me, given that I abandoned my morals decades ago. Heck, I kicked those demons to the curb before I knew what they were. It’s all about taking the low road for this guy.

SAPIOSEXUAL / May 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Three people gather for an ‘uncoupling celebration,’ arranged by the aging narcissist Liam. Both Hannah and Freddie, Liam’s guests as well as victims, have dark ties to his past and plenty of their own secrets. When the power goes out during a thunderstorm the deepest truths are revealed, changing each person’s life forever.”

Never heard the term sapiosexual before so I looked it up on this little thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it). Sapiosexuality means that “a person is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, so much so that they consider it to be the most important trait in a partner.” Guess that counts me out.

MASS HYSTERIA / October 1, 2023 (VOD)

“When a tourist dies on Halloween night in Salem, the crowd seeks justice by mounting a modern day witch hunt.”

This one’s being described as a comedy, though I see nothing funny about tourists.

PEPPERGRASS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the pandemic, a pregnant restaurateur tries to rob a priceless truffle from a reclusive World War II veteran.”

And judging by the movie’s poster art, there’s a really big pig guarding the truffle, which as we all learned in kindergarten, is the fruiting body of a subterranean ascomycete fungus, predominantly one of the many species of the genus Tuber. Now…where’s my juicy juice box?

Re-issued Pagans, God Plagues, Sandworms

If you were old enough in 1973 to watch The Wicker Man (rated M), you were rewarded with (from the movie’s description) “wanton lust and pagan blasphemy”. Man, that goes together like a delicious sandwich. The Wicker Man was clearly the inspiration for today’s Burning Man Festival, wherein hipster hippies take Ecstasy and dance poorly around a giant torched effigy, emulating the climactic, iconic scene in TWM.

Now The Wicker Man is getting an exhaustive makeover on September 4, 2023 with the release of a 5-disc 4K UHD collector’s edition that includes tons of extras, like rigid ‘book’ pop-up packaging, all three cuts of the film restored in 4K, X1 exclusive EP featuring artists from Heavenly Records™ covering songs from the soundtrack, a 64-page booklet and more. I went through the disc’s bonus features — no hippies included. You can breathe a sigh of relief. 

If you’ve never seen The Wicker Man, here’s what you’ve been missing: “When a young girl mysteriously disappears, Police Sergeant Howie travels to a remote Scottish island to investigate. But this pastoral community, led by the strange Lord Summerisle, is not what it seems, as the devoutly religious detective soon uncovers a secret society of wanton lust and pagan blasphemy. Can Howie now stop the cult’s ultimate sacrifice before he himself comes face to face with the horror of The Wicker Man?”

So while we either watch The Wicker Man on Amazon Prime Video™ (you’re gonna have to rent it for a hippie-busting $2.49) or snap it up come September, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as taking Ecstasy and watching giant effigies go up in flames… (P.S. Don’t do drugs — alcohol is cheaper.)

WALKING AGAINST THE RAIN / May 23, 2023 (VOD)

“Six months after a biblical plague has fallen upon the world, two strangers, Tommy and Blair are navigating their way across a barren landscape in a desperate attempt to find each other. With their only form of communication being two soon-to-die battery operated radio mics and with a new evil in the shape of ‘The Forsaken’ tracking them down, they must learn to confront loss and rediscover a trust in humanity. Or die.”

I did some research on biblical plagues by reading excerpts from the best-selling fiction book, The Bible (now in its one billionth printing). There are 10 in all: Three days of darkness (giving sand vampires a distinct advantage), frog infestation (i.e, hip hop rave), lice (no one had good hygiene back then, let alone lindane shampoo), pestilence, boils, weather gone wild, locusts, first-born son deathings… Seems to me all this would be a good idea for a movie. 

CRACKED / May 26, 203 (VOD)

“Ruja returns to Thailand from New York with her young daughter Rachel to settle her late father’s estate. Included in her inheritance are two mysterious portraits of a bewitching woman that she is told are worth a fortune, if only they weren’t damaged. Desperate to sell the paintings, Ruja hires Tim, an art restorer, to prepare the canvases for sale. But the cracks in the paint have begun to reveal long-hidden secrets, and as strange phenomena begin to emerge around them, Ruja and Rachel quickly realize their lives are in grave danger.”

The only thing I’ll probably get from my parents’ estate is unpaid bills, thereby putting my financial situation (aka, cracks in the paint) in grave danger.

DUNE: PART TWO / November 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“Paul Atreides unites with Chani and the Fremen while seeking revenge against the conspirators who destroyed his family. Facing a choice between the love of his life and the fate of the Universe, he must prevent a terrible future only he can foresee.”

The trailer for this one is crazy cool, wherein Paul Atreides rides one of those aircraft carrier-sized sandworms. He also gets to make out with Zendaya. I’m not sure which I’d like to do more. (Who am I kidding — SANDWORMS, b*tches!!!)

MONOLITH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A disgraced journalist attempts to salvage her career by turning to investigative podcasting. While trying to uncover the secrets behind a strange artifact with links to an alien conspiracy theory, the journalist soon finds that the story has moved uncomfortably close to home, leaving her to grapple with the lies at the heart of her own story.”

Podcasting is akin to sitting on a toilet equipped with a microphone. There’s some real “live streaming” for you. (I think I used that joke before. If it ain’t broke… Okay, I used that one before, too. Crap.)

Monster Mercenary, Boogey Girl, Man of the Moth

The Witcher, a Netflix™ made-for TV adaptation of the book series by Polish writer Andrzej Sapkowski (that’s a really hard name to spell correctly on the first try), premiered December 20, 2019 and became a raging global success. It starred Superman as Geralt of Rivia, a medieval mutated monster-hunter for hire, and prominently featured a lot of sex and naked stuff, violencings, bloodenings, carnage asada and overall wholesome good times. Now we’re getting a third season (eight episodes) this summer, which I believe is sometime this year. I’ll double check.

Here’s the official word from Netflix™ as to what we’re promised for season 3: “As monarchs, mages, and beasts of the Continent compete to capture her, Geralt takes Ciri of Cintra into hiding, determined to protect his newly-reunited family against those who threaten to destroy it. Entrusted with Ciri’s magical training, Yennefer leads them to the protected fortress of Aretuza, where she hopes to discover more about the girl’s untapped powers; instead, they discover they’ve landed in a battlefield of political corruption, dark magic, and treachery. They must fight back, put everything on the line — or risk losing each other forever.”

I hope The Witcher season 3 keeps its foot on the nudity gas pedal, which I feel is important to the overall story arc. Other than that, looking forward to more die-kill-bleed monsters and swords gently removing heads from bodies. So while we all wait for its premier, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature political corruption, dark magic, treachery…and nudity…

COUNTRY OF HOTELS / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Desperate souls pass through the doors of 508, a room on the fifth floor of an anonymous, decaying hotel. They are taken on a surreal and blackly comic journey down its lonely corridors and behind its outdated furnishings and stained surfaces. The story plunges us into the ever-turning carousel of haunted lives who check in and out of this sinister establishment.”

Decaying rooms…outdated furnishings…stained surfaces. Did someone film a movie in my apartment whilst I was out enjoying multiple refreshing adult beverages?

BAD GIRL BOOGEY / July 4, 2023 (VOD)

“Angel’s mother was brutally murdered one Halloween night, when blood was shed by a deranged killer wearing a parasitic mask cursed with black magic and bigotry. Sixteen years later, when Angel’s best friend is slaughtered by a killer with the same mask, she must overcome her personal struggles, fight her fear, and find the masked killer before he — or it — slaughters everyone she holds dear.”

What the hell is a parasitic mask? Haven’t anyone heard of disinfectants? I get the black magic curse, but bigotry? Given how most people in this world are bigots, that seems pretty redundant.

WRONG REASONS / August 15, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“An ambiguously intentioned masked man kidnaps a drug addicted punk rock singer and triggers a police investigation headed by Detective Charles Dobsonas well as a media circus.”

Punk rockers do drugs? I thought they could barely afford soap, let alone pricey non-prescription opiates.

PROJECT MOTHMAN / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

No plot yet, but I’m theorizing it’ll have some sort of moth-like man, or man-like moth. Pretty sure I just landed on it.

Naked Scream Queen, Sunken Horror, Bad Breath Witch

Night of the Demons premiered in 1988, instantly becoming a modern horror classic and further cementing star Linnea Quigley’s status as a scream queen icon. And it had absolutely nothing to do with her topless scene and where she applied her lipstick. Ahem. Historical note: Linnea’s full frontal naked dance scene on a grave in 1985’s Return of the Living Dead as Trash, a punk rocker with safety pins where safety pins shouldn’t be used, caused many a rewind moment in VHS history.

Now you can relive Night of the Demons in its unrated form — hosted by Linnea — during its 35th anniversary screening on Friday, April 28 at the Capitol Theatre in Arlington, MA. And tickets are only $10. That can buy a lot of lipstick. Linnea will be on hand to introduce the film and participate in a post-screening Q&A. I can see hands going up as we speak.

So while we re-watch Return of the Living Dead and then pull up our pants during the end credits, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not need you to wash up after viewing…

PILLOW PARTY MASSACRE / Out now (VOD)

“Five girls, five best friends, all haunted by their past mistakes of an April Fools prank gone fatally wrong, meet again after two years for a summer week long getaway in the woods to reconnect and reconcile.”

The similarly-titled Slumber Party Massacre (1982) immediately came to mind, in which a serial killer with a phallic power drill goes after scantily-clad girls debating world politics and make-up tips during a sleepover. I don’t think Pillow Party Massacre has any politics in it.

TITANIC 666 / Out now (Tubi™)

“Dark forces from the deep rise to the surface, terrorizing all aboard from Titanic III and threatens to repeat one of history’s greatest disasters.”

Last words heard on board the Titanic: “Would you like more ice in your drink?” Last words heard on Titanic III: “Think anybody’s gonna watch this disaster?”

FORGIVENESS / Out now (VOD)

“Three women mysteriously wake up in a hospital and discover that one of them is deaf, one is mute and the other one is blind; together they will have to figure out why they are there and how to get out.”

See no doctor bills, hear no doctor bills, pay no doctor bills.

PANTAFA / Out now (VOD)

“Marta and her daughter Nina move to Malanotte, a small mountain village. The little girl has been suffering from hypnagogic paralysis for some time, a sleep disorder which can lead to hallucinatory states, and Marta thought that a bit of mountain air and distance from the frenetic rhythm of city life might benefit the little girl. However, the house they move into is anything but welcoming, and children are never seen playing in the streets of Malanotte. Nina’s symptoms begin to worsen from the very first night in the new house, and the little girl has more and more vivid nightmares in which a ghostly figure sits on her chest, immobilizes her and steals her breath. For Marta, a single mother in a place she finds increasingly sinister, it will become harder every day to know what is best for her child.”

If a ghost woman wants to sit on my chest, she’ll have to buy me a drink first.

Space-y Rock, Psychedelic Multiverse, Carnal Classics

So this is a whole new level cool — artist Todd Alcott has mashed up rock ‘n roll with science fiction in a pulp fiction book cover style as paintings, the first one being “Black Hole Sun,” Soundgarden’s massive hit from their Superunknown album in 1994. The art depicts singer Chris Cornell in a space suit with the Universe bearing down on him. Maybe I should get a space suit as I’m always feeling like the Universe is bearing down on me.

Another of Todd’s excellent mashups is The Police’s “Every Breath You Take,” which is often difficult in outer space. That song came out in 1983 from the multi-platinum selling Synchronicity. The art shows Sting (real name: Gordon Sumner, which is kinda boring) trying to escape the all-seeing eye, which is funny as that’s what the law — or police — is always watching every move we make or any bail bond we break. Heh. He mashed up other musical acts as well — Elvis Costello, Dolly Parton, Talking Heads, Devo — but those aren’t given the sci-fi treatment, so I shan’t be discussing it further.

Both giclee (pronounced /ʒiːˈkleɪ/ zhee-KLAY) prints come in three sizes — 11×17 ($40), 18×24 ($55) and $24×46 ($85). So yeah, a nifty addition to any rock/sci-fi/pulp-fiction fan’s collections. (Buy ‘em here.) And while you’re trying to pronounce giclee correctly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as boring as Sting’s non-rock name… 

INTERFACE / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“After tragically losing their father, two sisters track down an Interface Machine across the multiverse that will enable them to go into estranged mother’s mind and bring her back from a coma.”

You don’t need an expensive Interface Machine with a 40-page instruction manual. All you need is Electric Ladyland, Jimi Hendrix’s psychedelic rock metal (1968 masterpiece — play it loud and the metaverse will appear all around you.

LEDA / APRIL 11, 2023 (VOD)

“Young newlywed Leda is haunted by strange visions in this hypnotic tale that transports ancient myth to the dark forests and deep lakes surrounding a 19th century mansion. As her tragic past slowly unfolds, Leda begins to lose touch with time and reality. What seems to be a dream-like world spirals into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together, invoking poetry and horror in a fable of birth, death, and otherworldly desires.”

Losing touch with time and reality, spiraling into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together. You already know what I’m gonna say — Leda’s been hittin’ Happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. Sometimes I can’t help myself. Or more often than not.

FROM BLACK / APRIL 28, 2023 (SHUDDER™)

“Cora, a recovering drug addict, desperate for closure and saddled by crushing guilt after the disappearance of her young son, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth about what happened and set things right — if she is willing to pay a terrifying price.”

If you’re a drug addict, you’re already paying a terrifying price.

WE KILL FOR LOVE / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“This documentary goes in search of the lost and misunderstood world of the direct-to-video erotic thriller, an American film genre that once dominated late-night cable television and the shelves of neighborhood video stores. Balancing film art with scholarship, We Kill For Love pulls back the curtain to reveal the heart and soul of a forgotten and often maligned film movement.”

Erotic thriller is just a fancy way of saying the girls who star in ’em do so topless and more often than not, bottomless, which is how I like my adult beverages.