Archive for Pennsylvania

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

The Horror of Grandparents

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Visit

So now they’re using grandma and grandpa as horror movie antagonists. Not sure I’m down with this as going to my grandparents house as a kid was like a trip to Disney Land™: free cookies, cartoons all day on TV and what I firmly believed to be a giant rat monster in the downstairs cellar that smelled like freshness-expired cadavers/peaches and a single light bulb that worked only half the time. How did my grandma get me to descend into Hell to fetch a jar of cadaver peaches? Free cookies, duh.

So The Visit, a new horror movie by the hit beleaguered M. Night Shyamalan whose After Earth (2013) was slammed by critics with more credibility than me, is about grandparents harboring a dark secret in their remote Pennsylvania farm. (I bet you anything it’s giant rats.)

As the press release goes, a brother and sister, sent to their grandparents farm, soon discover the old farts are involved in something “deeply disturbing.” If it isn’t squeezing mutated tentacles from a cow’s bikini area to get breakfast milk, one can only imagine what the disturbing part is. Here’s the kicker: the kids can’t leave the house. So if they want milk on their farm cereal, time to man up and go deep.

Look for The Visit to arrive September 11, 2015. And while it’s on your mind, call your demonic and deeply disturbed grandparents today – they’ve been waiting to hear from you. (Ask about free cookies.)

Vampires, Demons, Ghosts, Ice Cream

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Club Dead

If you’re like me, you need a constant fix of horror movies just to be able to function in a civilized society. And while I’ve seen thousands of horror/sci-fi flicks, 90% of which are porcelain fillers, there’s always the giddy anticipation there’ll be a golden nugget within a steaming brown pile of you know what. (If you have to ask…)

Here’s four impending horror movies that may or may not have you jiggling the handle…

Club Dead
Release date: Dunno. But them who really does?
Plot: A group of friends are obsessed with Hollywood’s hottest night spot, Club Dead. The hot music, ravishing people and open bar lead the gang to believe this will be the best night of their lives. But it doesn’t take long until they discover that Club Dead is run by vampires – and those that get in come out “undead.”

VampsInitial thought: Seems weak and a dumb excuse to play brain dead electronic music, which is an oxymoron, by the way. Reminds me of 1986’s Vamp, in which two frat dudes go to a strip club to hire a dancer for a party. The strippers are vampires. Didn’t see that coming.  (There was a 2012 vampire comedy called Vamps. The poster for that looks a lot like the poster for Club Dead. Just sayin’.)

The Atticus Institute

The Atticus Institute
Release date: Should’ve been out by now. I have no idea where it stands as Hollywood never returns my calls. Hollywood can be such a butt.
Plot: In the fall of 1976, a small psychology lab in Pennsylvania became the unwitting home to the only government-confirmed case of possession. The U.S. military assumed control of the lab under orders of national security and implemented measures aimed at weaponizing the entity. The details of the inexplicable events that occurred are being made public after remaining classified for nearly forty years.
Initial thought: Sound promising on a “man, I can’t wait for another non-alcoholic beer” level. Reminds me of Stormhouse (2012), wherein the government manages to capture a supernatural entity and stores it in an underground base. It doesn’t have a freshness-expired date. The movie does, though.

Ice Cream Man 2: Sundae Bloody Sundae

Ice Cream Man 2: Sundae Bloody Sundae
Release date: As soon as they raise enough money on Kickstarter™ to fund its completion.
Plot: It’s been twenty years since Ice Cream Man (1995) – a spectacle of gore, blood, and mayhem – exploded onto the big screen, boasting some of the most creative uses of severed heads ever seen on screen. This time around it’s a tale of revenge, chock-full of murderous intent, laced with dripping entrails, and served up ice cold. The Rocketeers – Johnny, Heather, Tuna, and Small Paul – are all grown up now, and Ice Cream Man wants them to suffer. Really suffer. Torture and violence are on the menu, and it’s going to be sweet.
Initial thought: Ice Cream Man was two scoops of crap, but had its moments. Never really bought into Clint Howard as Gregory, the maniacal killer, because they didn’t do anything to make him look that frightening. In fact, they just let him use his own face and haircut. It’s like they didn’t even try, man.

The Woman in Black: Angel of Death

Woman In Black: Angel of Death
Release date: January 30, 2015
Plot: As bombs rain down on London during the Blitz of World War II, a group of school children are evacuated with Eve, their schoolteacher, to the safety of the English countryside. Taken to an old and empty estate, cut-off by a causeway from the mainland, they are left at Eel Marsh House. One by one the children begin acting strangely and Eve, with the help of local military commander Harry, discovers that the group has awoken a dark force even more terrifying and evil than the city’s air raids. Eve must now confront her own demons to save the children and survive the Woman in Black.
Initial thought: The period piece haunter The Woman in Black (2012) was a nice surprise (see “golden nugget”) with some pretty cool jump moments and a wicked looking ghost. Looking forward to scare crapping my pants again. OK, that didn’t come out right. I’m just gonna turn around and quietly walk away now.