Archive for Russia

Crayon Horror, Rodent Republicans, Werewolf Babies

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beauty of Horror III

The horror genre is colorful (where would the popularity of movie screen blood be if it was puce?), so why not make a coloring book based on it. Or how about two coloring books? Better still, three coloring books?

The Beauty of Horror

Enter The Beauty of Horror 3: Haunted Playgrounds coloring book by Alan Robert, arriving July 2018 from IDW Publishing. Time to bust out those old Crayola crayons and get your Picasso on.

Crayola

Speaking of the world’s most favorite drawing implement this side of a chisel and stone tablet (a bit cumbersome, but makes a rather bold statement), in 2008 Crayola had 120 colors from which to augment your graffiti. Colorful memories recall Macaroni & Cheese, Atomic Tangerine, Inch Worm, and my favorite, Beaver (a metaphorical cross between Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown and Tickle Me Pink.) Today’s Crayola colors number in the billions. Or so I’ve heard. (No word whether or not “Shard” made the grade.)

While you contemplate that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stay inside the lines…

Ratpocalypse

RATPOCALYPSE (December 12, 2017)
American Senator John Perryman, a man of pure and humble soul with a warrior’s disposition, delivers a fiery speech in Moscow about the country’s main evil — corruption. A corruption so pervasive it will turn men into “rats.” He declares that he was ordered from above to speak to them and threatens everyone with the loss of their human form, which draws only guffaws and resentment from the people. Many take the Senator for a madman as gradually, all his friends and relatives turn away from him. Eventually the Senator meets a mysterious girl in the streets who seems to be his guardian angel but soon, everything he talked about in Moscow begins to come true, triggering panic in Russia and around the world.”

If I were to choose a parasitic form for politicians to morph into, it’d be butt worms. Oh wait, that already happened. Still, rat-faced politicians, while new to movies, is nothing out of the ordinary. Just turn on the news.

OCCUPATION (2018)
“After a devastating intergalactic attack on Earth, the last surviving humans must band together for the sake of survival. As war looms, and the struggle to stay alive worsens, they realize the only way to save the human race is to stay one step ahead of their attackers and strike back.”

Wow. That couldn’t be a more limp sausage, generic press release. And why “intergalactic”? Couldn’t they have just said, “beyond Earthly confines”? That sounds way more science-y.

Good Manners

GOOD MANNERS (aka, As Boas Maneiras/2018)
“Clara, a lonely nurse from the outskirts of São Paulo, is hired by mysterious and wealthy Ana to care for and protect her son after he is born not looking like a human.”

A Brazilian horror movie foreignly released summer/August of 2017, that, while given the U.S. title of Good Manners, actually translates to The Good Ways. Absolutely none of the above works at all as the newborn is a werewolf. (Not a spoiler; it’s all over the Internet thingamajig.) And while we’re on the subject, since when does a newborn look anything like a human? I’m thinkin’ more of along the lines of shaved peaches. (Come to think of it, that could be another cool Crayola color.)

The Toybox

THE TOYBOX (2018)
“A family goes on a cross-country trip across America and get stranded in the desert by a supernatural force that is slowly killing them off.”

Yep, someone busted a grumpy in the RV toilet and didn’t jiggle the handle. The same supernatural force can be experienced walking into a gas station restroom.

Chupacabras, Kaijus & STDs

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tunnel

Get a lot of e-mails asking why I don’t have a Facebook page or a Twitter account to publicize this here blog-blog. Gotta say, I’m not a fan of social media. That, and I don’t get paid to do this, so why make more work for myself? I’d rather spend that time on a bar stool.

However, I have been putzing around with some video-editing software and am roughing out a promo commercial for Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ to put on YouTube™. While you’re impatiently waiting for its debut, here’s some new horror/sci-fi to help pass the time…

TUNNEL (April 4, 2017 / VOD – May 2, 2017 / DVD)
Jung-soo is a car salesman fighting for survival inside a collapsed tunnel while rescue workers race against time to free him. The ensuing rescue operation becomes the subject of widespread media coverage and frenzy. But days go by, nerves stretch thin and Jung-soo must struggle for his life in the suffocating darkness alone.”

Too bad Jung-soo wasn’t a scuba tank salesman — just kick back and suck some sweet compressed air while everybody does all the work digging you out.

Colossal

COLOSSAL (April 7, 2017)
“A woman moves back home after losing her job and being dumped by her boyfriend. Her life takes a sudden turn when a giant kaiju-like creature appears in South Korea and she begins to suspect she may be connected to it.”

Yeah, I already wrote about this back on January 20, 2017. But couldn’t pass up the opportunity to show off the nutty cool Russian key art for this movie. From what I’m able to discern from the trailer is that whatever the chick does, so does the giant monster. Really hoping she doesn’t come down with a case of painful rectal itch.

Chupacabra Territory

CHUPACABRA TERRITORY (April 11, 2017)
“Four friends hike into the Pinewood Forest to find evidence of the Chupacabra, an ancient creature believed to be responsible for the disappearance of four experienced hikers a year earlier. As they journey deeper into the forest, their innocent search uncovers more than they had ever hoped for, and with it a darkness that threatens to consume their very existence. One by one they are hunted down, their survival tested, their lives hanging in the balance of fear, friendship, disbelief and horror.”

You could swap out Chupacabra with Bigfoot or Moth Man or a stink bear and it would still be the same movie we’ve all seen time and time again. I bet they downloaded the plot template from the Internet. I do it all the time.

She Kills

SHE KILLS (April 11, 2017)
“Sadie’s life is destroyed when a vicious gang called ‘The Touchers’ targets her for their sadistic fantasies after witnessing her sexy but innocent naked frolicking in a nearby field. On her wedding night they attack her and her husband Edward, brutalizing both of them. But during the attack the virgin bride discovers a dangerous secret about her body – she is cursed with the legendary STD ‘Fire Crotch’, a condition where Satan has laid claim to her vagina. After visiting her fortune teller friend Casparella, a space exorcism is attempted, but it only ends up unlocking secret hidden powers inside her.”

They had me at “naked frolicking” but lost me with “Fire Crotch.” And yet I’ll still watch every man-cringing moment of it. For educational purposes, of course.

Russian Aquaman

Posted in Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amphibian Man

Amphibian Man breathes water, thanks to defective land lungs being replaced in part by gills from a shark. He frolics in the sea and wears a super sparkled disco wet-suit with a dorsal fin, dorsal hat and flippers the size of Flipper, that smartass talking dolphin. The easily freaked local fishermen/pearl divers call him Devil Fish. And headline sightings of this “devil fish” sell a LOT of newspapers. Sigh, If they only knew it was just a young guy in a shiny bathing suit.

Amphibian Man

A super mean rich guy hires the rags dressed locals to dive for pearls. And he wants to marry Guttiere, the super hot daughter of one of the poorest (and oldest) freestyle divers. She doesn’t want the nuptials to happen and dives off a huge sailboat to get away from him. A shark comes after her, but Amphibian Man (land name Ichthyander) guts the shark and rescues the almost drowned girl and falls in love with her wetness,

Amphibian Man

This drives him out of the water to walk among the shore breathers. He roams the Argentinian seaside town looking for her, drawing unwanted attention for his fishy ways, at one point hiding in a water truck spraying the streets. (Quite clever.) But love drives him on.

Amphibian Man

Meanwhile, his adopted dad, a rich scientists who outfitted the boy’s lifestyle with sea lungs, is trying to find him. Time’s running out as the boy needs the snort a few lines of sea water in order to live. Through a series of chase scenes and the mean rich guy attempting to capture this man-fish, the boy meets the girl and wants to snorkel in her sea grotto. But she just got married and her oyster bed is closed for the season.

Amphibian Man

Ultimately, sea boy and dad are arrested and they throw the kid in a barrel of polluted water. (It was brown and yellow. One guess as to what the prison barrel was/is/will be used for.) This damaged his lungs and he must return to the sea, never to surface again. Too bad — Guttiere came to her senses and has now developed a taste for fish ‘n chips.

Amphibian Man

Amphibian Man is a 1962 Russian film shot in Argentina with English overdubs. Of its many confusing highlights, there’s a scene where two men do a flamenco dance together. Looked like they were stomping on fire ants. I must learn those moves. At any rate, Amphibian Man is a fun yet odd take on the Romeo and Juliet theme. With sharks. And sparkles.

A Taste For Cannibalism

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghoul

I never really understood cannibals. Unless you’re a zombie, I don’t see the point in eating human flesh, what with a McDonald’s every twenty-feet from where you’re standing. Must be a religious thing.

Which brings me to the point; There’s a new horror movie called Ghoul (releasing June 23, 2015), about a real-life cannibal/murderer/criminal Andrei Chikatilo, the Soviet Union’s most violent serial killer. This f’d-in-the-head nut bag committed sexual assault, murder and mutilation of 52 women and children between 1978 and 1990 in Russia and the surrounding counties and was finally caught and executed in 1994. I’m sure everybody wants to relive those memories with this movie.

Ghoul

In order to make Ghoul more palatable (sorry), the filmmakers have put a supernatural spin on things: “Three Americans travel to the Ukraine to film a documentary about the cannibalism epidemic that swept through the country during the famine of 1932. After being lured deep into the Ukraine forest for an interview with one of the last known survivors, they quickly find themselves trapped in a supernatural hunting ground.”

Ghoul

To prove there’s still a taste (sorry) for movie themes as this, Ghoul opened #1 in the Czech Republic and went on to become the highest grossing horror movie in Czech history, followed up by a limited U.S. theatrical release in March. Clearly, moviegoers ate (sorry) up the movie and the filmmakers are feasting (sorry) on profits.

All this talk about eating is making me hungry. Time to head to McDonald’s. I wonder if McRibs™ are made from real human ribs? Maybe in the Ukraine.

The Ghouls

P.S. Ghoul should not be confused with The Ghouls, an upcoming (December 18, 2015) Chinese action/adventure/fantasy/thriller movie based on the novel Ghost Blow Out The Light, which I have not read as its written in some sort of foreign language, possible Russian.

The Return of Mega Shark

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

Once a proud king of the ocean, the shark has now been relegated to being a repeated movie joke punchline. Jaws’ heart, if it was still beating, would be breaking right about now.

The latest shark sci-fi pits Mega Shark, an aircraft carrier sized Megalodon, against a size-appropriate robot. In Mega Shark vs. Kolossus (releasing July 7, 2015), the two monsters rumble in what Asylum Films, Hollywood’s notorious bottomfeeders, hopes to be a ratings bonanza.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

Here’s how they hope will accomplish that: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus – a giant robot doomsday device from the Cold War.”

“At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

A giant robot from Russia? I thought only Japan made giant robots.

This is not a new swimming hole for Mega Shark. You can see the “King Kong of the sea” in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009), Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010), and Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014). Knock yourself out.

Mega Sharks

An Ode To Rubber Monsters

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack At The G Summit

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack At The G Summit (2009) is a comedic homage to Japanese giant rubber monsters, though I fail to see the point about making fun of giant rubber monsters. I’m thinkin’ oxymoron.

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack At The G Summit

Nevertheless, world leaders have gathered for another windbag summit, right about the time Guilala – a giant creature with some Godzilla pointy things on his back, a horizontal flat face a horn and two perfectly straight antennae that probably gets all the channels – shows up to crash the party. The monster was brought back from outer space as spore and, when exposed to Earth’s atmosphere, grew into the mega-tall dumbass he is today.

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack At The G Summit

The G8 Summit leaders decide to help Japan from becoming a demolition derby. Japan fails with their use of controlling magma and earthquakes. Russia fails with Polonium 20, a poison so strong, it can kill anything. (Don’t know what Russia’s czar was thinking – I’ve eaten sandwiches that were more toxic.) England fails because, well, they’re England. (Their plan was to drop giant headphones on Guilala and pipe in thought-disrupting frequencies. In the States we call that heavy metal.) Then someone gets a bright idea to cover Guilala in a huge sheet of Saran Wrap™ and pump pink-colored gas into his lungs.

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack At The G Summit

The monster thinks their attempts are hysterical and laughs out loud. Time to call out the nuclear warhead, which may or may not kill Guilala. But everyone’s fresh outta ideas. Fortunately, the villagers nearby do a song and dance routine to invoke the mighty Lord Take-Majin, a multi-armed golden deity who grows from a small statue holding a fire extinguisher and an umbrella, to equal size and weight of his opponent.

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack At The G Summit  Take-Majin appears right as the nuke arrives – and sticks it right into his own golden rump. A momentary distraction as Take-Majin, um, shoves the missile all the way in and farts. Not making this up. I really wish I was. Guilala gets in a few good pops before Take-Majin cuts G’s head off as though it were a pimento loaf. Japan is safe once again from itself.

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack At The G Summit

There’s some other stuff going on involving a supermodel news reporter and a mad scientist with a gang of giggling supermodels, called the Pleasure Squad. But don’t let yourself get distracted or you won’t be able to appreciate the subtle nuances of Guilala’s ping-pong ball antennae.

Alien Rock Spiders

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Apollo 18

The real surprise wasn’t that we discovered extraterrestrial rock spiders on the moon, it’s that we never brought ’em back and figured out how to make money off them.

Apollo 18

Apollo 18, a top secret three-man moon landing mission back in the ’70s, was a Dept. of Defense grocery run. What they instructed the astronauts to do is set up a bunch of cameras to “spy” on Russia. Kinda hard to do when the Russians already have a lunar module just around the crater, it’s pilot found dead and his corpse drained of any and all vodka.

Apollo 18

Doesn’t take long before interrupted signals, U.S. flags uprooted and lunar rovers looking like a destruction derby start rattling the nerves of the two guys on the moon’s surface. (The other guy was orbiting and thanking the lucky stars around him that he wasn’t being attacked by rock spider aliens).

Apollo 18

As “found footage” goes, the recreation of the moon landing and authentic look of our most boring space neighbor, is pretty cool. And even as kinda neat as the spider aliens are, all we get to do is watch the astronauts’ impending doom. The Dept. of Defense throws in an obvious twist, something you could’ve seen from Mars. But without more backstory, Apollo 18 (2011), as ambitious as it is, lands on a flat surface. Kinda like the moon, home of alien rock spiders who have no respect for the American flag, those hippies.