Ghost Clowns, Republican Reptiles, Marauding Mermaids

There have been numerous versions of Catwoman, the fetching felonious feline who gives Batman a stiff Batarang. If you count TV, film, animated movies, comics, graphic novels and video games, there have been 30 Catwomen thus far. That’s a lot of kitty in that litter. But one of the sexiest standouts was Michelle Pfieffer’s skintight latex clad dominatrix portrayal of Catwoman in 1992’s Batman Returns. (Note to Julie Newmar, Batman’s 1966 Catwoman — can’t thank you enough for the carpal tunnel.)

Now you can purchase a replica of Pfieffer’s stylish Catwoman headpiece for a wallet-whomping $699.00. Riddle me this: Why does it cost so much? For one thing, it’s limited to 150 reproductions. Other reasons from PureArts website: “Matching the Batman 1:1 Scale Cowl Replica, this 1:1 Catwoman Mask Replica sits atop a miniature Gotham City mayoral house statue base. Featuring a removable Catwoman whip coiled around the base, PureArts captures the feminine, dangerous and clever essence of Catwoman. The mask replica is created out of PureArts’ poly-based casting material developed specifically for their Batman line, designed to look and feel like real high gloss latex, but never deteriorate.”

There are two versions: standard and one that comes complete with a removable leather whip and miniature version of the “cat clock” found in Shreck’s Department Store in the movie. To complete your cosplay hankerings, you can buy a Catwoman costume on any discount Halloween store, or make one yourself [instructions here].

While you rewatch Michelle’s tingle-inducing performance in Batman Returns and “review” it in the privacy of your own bathroom, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a litter box…

GHOSTS OF AMITYVILLE /Out now (VOD)

“Following the tragic death of her mother, eight-year-old Olivia soon discovers the demon of Amityville is manifesting itself as a clown.”

For some of us “demons,” morphing into a clown is redundant. However, If I was a demon (ahem), I’d manifest myself as a bartender, because hey — TIPS!

LIZARD PEOPLE: THE TRUTH ABOUT REPTILIANS / Out now (VOD)

“They established rule over ancient man, a race of giants known as the Nephilim. Today, their descendants live among us, veiled in any form they choose: Demon…Alien…even Reptilian! Two hardcore researchers, Carl Crew and Bryan Sadler, delve deep into the mythology that shrouds the theory of the Reptilians to uncover their true nature and their global power that some say continues to control the world. Through their deceit and deception, will the Reptilians ultimately destroy humankind?”

The horror sci-fi movie The Alligator People came out in 1959. So yeah, Reptilians have been among us over 60 years. Fun fact: “Republican” is a derision of “Reptilian,” which explains their continuing true nature to achieve global power and destroy humankind.

INVASION OF THE MERMAIDS / Out now (VOD)

“A fishing village encounters a mysterious water monster. A young man tries to protect the residents and in the process, they unexpectedly discover an invasion of mermaids.”

I’d rather be invaded by mermaids than some of those other oceanic threats, like murder clams or sushi chef’s knife-grade swordfish. And let us not rule out the Thrill Krill Cult.

PARANORMAL WORLD: ALIENS, UFOs, CRYPTIDS AND GHOSTLY ENCOUNTERS / Out now (VOD)

“Sightings of strange, unworldly creatures occur daily around the world. Now we are learning that bizarre creatures like Bigfoot, Dogmen, El Chupacabras, Lake Monsters, Thunderbirds, even Aliens and UFOs may all be connected on our paranormal planet.”

It’s insensitive to refer to these creatures as “bizarre.” Better to say “folklore-capable.”

Beastly Beers, Wicked Wind, Dating Vampires

The horror of beer is running out…or not having any at all. (I get the shakes just thinking about it.) But there are horror-themed beers that, if you drink ‘em all, you’d still have a cool can as a keepsake. So where do you obtain such canned and/or bottled delights? Here’s a few horror beers to make up for not having enough horror —or beer — in your world…

BATSQUATCH – ROGUE ALES (NEWPORT, OR)

Description: “A hazy IPA with balanced blends of El Dorado and Belma hops, imperial juice yeast and sweet, outdoorsy aroma. 6.7% ABV.” Note: Pairs nicely with thirst.

TROLL DESTROYER – 18TH STREET BREWERY (HAMMOND, IN)

Description: “A Belgian IPA with a sweet, citrus aroma up front, and a heavy El Dorado hop flavor. 8.5% ABV.” Pairs nicely with life.

BRAIN BELT ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL – AUGUST SCHELL BREWING COMPANY (NEW ULM, MN)

Description: “An American Lager. 4.9% ABV.” Pairs nicely with human flesh.

More to add to your bar tab wish list: Draculager (Woodland Empire/ Boise, ID), Creepshow (Warped Wing Brewing Co./Dayton, OH), and I-P-Alien (Odd13 Brewery/Lafayette, CO). All of these pair nicely with your brain cells.

While you road trip it every one of those states to drown yourself in the local flavors, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not had a budget more than your bar tab…

MINACIOUS / Out now (VOD)

“A customer service agent working from home is terrorized by a dissatisfied psychopathic caller.”

Try as you may, you just can’t please a psycho, no matter how many times you apologize for forgetting a birthday/anniversary/Christmas/leaving the lid up.

FIRENADO / January 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Four scientists uncover a ground-breaking technology capable of controlling weather. On the first use of the device, it malfunctions and creates a fire tornado. As the Firenado leaves a wake of destruction, the group assist in evacuating nearby residents but stumble upon into an organized crime home invasion. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, the group struggle to survive the two threats.”

Pffft — The X-Men’s Storm has been controlling weather since 1975. And she didn’t have to go to scientist school to learn how to do it, either. Natural skillz, b*tches!

THE PRICE WE PAY / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“After a pawn shop robbery goes askew, two criminals take refuge at a remote farmhouse to let the heat die down, but find something much more menacing.”

It’s cow flop. And not just any sidewalk brand cow flop — this is MENACING cow flop. And it’s friggin’ everywhere. That’s what you get for being a criminal and thinking a farmhouse was a good place to hide out. What a bunch of dumbs.

THE LAST NOSFERATU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Ethan has been single for several months and is frequenting bars when he decides to meet people via Internet sites. One night, he dates Black Pearl, whom he literally falls in love with. But hardly met, she disappears. She’s not answering his calls, so he decides to go looking for her. One evening, Black Pearl resurfaces and seems to be hiding a mysterious secret that will lead him to a tragic fate.”

Dating a vampire would totally…suck. Hey, how could I NOT encore with that? It’s what I do.

Horror Snack Pack, High School Ghost, Vampire Schooner

Your choice of horror movie viewing couch snacks are many, from 7-Eleven™ Tomahawk Rib-eye steaks in a rich, squeeze bottle chocolate finishing sauce, to canned Lobster Bisque paired with a nice, dry Steel Reserve™. But how many of those TV dinners are as cool as the new Creepshow™ heavily-salted mouth treats?

FYE™ exclusively carries a line of Creepshow™ snacks to munch and later wipe your fingers on your Old Navy™ pants: White Cheddar Skullcrunch Popcorn ($4.99), Sour Gummy Worms (aka, Nightcrawlers/$4.99) and a blood red Creepshow™ Cherry Energy Drink ($3.99) — to help get the rubbery candy worms past your gag reflex.

While you ponder spending extra on gummy (or “gummi”) worms for having the Creepshow™ logo on it (unbranded version: $1.69 on Amazon™), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not stress test your gag reflex…

KARADA SAGASHI (aka MIDNIGHT SCHOOL) / Out now (VOD)

“A high school student and her friends are trapped in a time loop by a ghost and the only way to escape is to find the corpse of the ghost’s previous victim.”

Time loop detention for anyone unable to guess how this ends. 

SCREAM 6 / March 10, 2023 (Theaters)

“The four survivors of the Ghostface killings leave Woodsboro behind and start a fresh chapter in New York City.”

The fifth sequel that’s as pointless as the original 1996 movie. FYI: In 1989’s Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Voorhees also visited New York — he was in town with a few days to kill. (Okay, I totally took that from 1990’s Predator 2. You probably wouldn’t know that had I not confessed to my crime.) 

THE LAST VOYAGE OF THE DEMETER / Pending release 2023

“Based on a single chapter, the Captain’s Log, from Bram Stoker’s classic 1897 novel Dracula, the story is set aboard the Russian schooner, Demeter, which was chartered to carry private cargo – twenty four unmarked wooden crates — from Carpathia to London.”

Dracula was in one of those coffins, uh, I mean, crates. The rest of the old time-y suitcases contained his spring/summer evening capes, backup underwear and socks, toothpaste/shampoo/shaving gel, raisin snack packs for the long ocean journey, and hometown dirt. This is so Drac can start a garden once he reaches London. He’s got quite the green thumb for growing…blood oranges. Heh.

TABOO / Pending release 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Three juvenile criminals, Charity, Charlotte and Michelle, are given one last chance at redemption. They’re sent on a team-building course in a forest with their youth worker, Miss White. While on the course, the group learns they are not alone. The situation goes from bad to worse, and their trip becomes a matter of life and death.”

No other details, so here’s an educated stab at it — their new camp counselor is either Bigfoot or some sort of poisonous moose. Makes sense if you let it.

Shivering Snakes

In the generically-labeled Boa (aka, New Alcatraz/2001), a prehistoric giant snake in the Antarctic, after having slept in ice colder than a nuclear beer cooler for a billion million years, is rousted from its frigid slumber by the “come and get it” dinner bell noises of a bunch of people running an arctic penitentiary.

The concept of a prison in the South Pole is believable enough; with no mittens to be had, what’s the point in trying to escape? And that a 100-foot reptile comes to life after being defrosted is also easy to swallow when you consider it’s easier to fake a snake than giant, human-pecking penguins (which would’ve made a lot more sense and been way more cooler).

A bunch of super criminals have just arrived and aren’t too happy about having igloo-detention for life. After the snake gets loose and goes on a snack attack that wipes out 99% of the cast, it’s up to the bad guys — who are experts at breaking in and out of things — to figure out an escape plan. I’m all for enlarged reptiles and/or insects wreaking havoc on the world (hey, if I had a proboscis, I’d be doing it), but this one should never have been taken out of the freezer.

Porno Ghosts, Alcoholic Werewolves, Yuletide Bleedings

According to IMDb (Internet Movie Database) – the world’s most popular and authoritative source for movie, TV and celebrity content (their words, not mine), there are almost 2,000 horror movies either in-production, post-production, being shopped around, and/or finished/released for 2016. Dang. I’m still wading through the 2,000 horror movies released in 2015.

And to think my sole purpose in life was to sit in front of a TV and watch every horror movie ever made and then write about ’em in this here blog dealie. That I’ve never been paid to do this is beside the point. So yeah, this might take a bit longer than expected as I’m about 11,017 horror/sci-fi movies behind. I should’ve learned to play the clarinet. There’s money in that, right? I could switch to tuba if the coin is better. Lemme know.

Anyway…

KRAMPUS: THE DEVIL RETURNS (2016)
“Five years after the murder of his wife and disappearance of his daughter, former police officer Jeremy Duffin is brought back to help in the hunt for a yuletide monster that punishes children that have been “naughty.” As the monster becomes more erratic and unpredictable, Jeremy learns the truth about the disappearance of his daughter and the fate that has been bestowed upon him by an unlikely source. Can Jeremy finally end the nightmare Christmas monster that has terrorized this town for years?”

Happily, Krampus — who hands out extreme death instead of extreme toys — seems to be the go-to holiday horror figurehead these days. In just the last several years, five and/or six Krampus movies have been released. In case you’re writing this down, this is the sequel to Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013).

And if you’re wondering who/what a Krampus is, here’s what the holy bible (Wikipedia™) has to say about that: “In Austro-Bavarian Alpine folklore, Krampus is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as “half-goat, half-demon” who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved. I am SO doomed.

ANOTHER WOLFCOP (2016)
“After saving the small town of Woodhaven from a gang of evil reptilian shapeshifters, alcoholic werewolf cop Lou Garou is finding it hard to keep a low profile. Instead, he roams the street at night, gleefully and violently disposing of criminals and stealing boxes of Liquor Donuts causing all sorts of problems for his former-partner-turned-chief Tina.”

It all boils down to this selling point: Alcoholic werewolf. It’s like they filmed my dreams. Another Wolfcop is a bit of a challenge to find as they claim it came out in September of 2016. No one sent me a complimentary DVD, so I guess I’ll just have to go back to sleep and watch it.

PARANORMAL SEX TAPE (2016)
“Based on real events that occurred in Europe in 2010. There are over 25,000 demonic possessions reported each year – many of those claim to be possessed during sexual intercourse. After a steamy night captured on video, a couple watches their sex tape. But they discover something ancient and very evil on the tape, something that’s watching them…following them…possessing them.”

Based on real events? Kind of an understatement given how many people film themselves rubbing fuzzies. And why would they freak out that an ancient evil ghost is watching them rub said fuzzies? The NSFW video will probably end up on YouTube™ for 100 million people/poltergeists to see. For free.

PACIFICO (2016)
“A group of young travelers are stranded on an island in the Pacific where they struggle to escape an evil presence that has been kept hidden from mankind for centuries.”

Pfffttt — Young travelers, my eye…these are beach hippies. There’s your real evil presence.

Robots Hate You And Your Planet

What if you woke up in a hotel room in a big city, only to discover you’re the only one in the entire city? Besides pulling down your pants and running out into the street screaming, you’re probably go looking for somebody to explain WTF.

No, this isn’t a Twilight Zone episode, though it plays out like one. Rather, it’s the plot for Target Earth, an obscure sci-fi movie from 1954, which predated TZ by five years.

So Nora King, having just woken up from a flubbed suicide attempt (she tried sticking her head in a toaster – just kidding), discovers all of Chicago is bereft of tax-paying citizens. Wandering around and starting to completely lose her beans, she eventually happens across a guy with impeccably combed hair just coming to after being smacked unconscious by criminals. Aha – an excuse is established!

They go wandering and hear a piano being played in a cocktail lounge of all things. It’s here they meet a guy and his gal, both getting drunk as skunks because hey, free booze! Through the haze of sweet alcohol, they tell Nora and her crime statistic guy that the town had been evacuated because of a mysterious invading force, but that they were unable (too drunk) to go with the rest of the group.

Now there are four and… What the flap – they find another person. Now the town is starting to feel crowded. They find a newspaper with a headline warning of impending disaster, so new guy is freaks out and tries to start a car when he gets mad zapped by…an alien robot from Venus! That’ll teach him to try and jack a vehicle.

The group heads into a hotel, finds rooms and try to figure out their next maneuver. If they were of sound mind and body, they’d pry open the mini bar. Before everyone figure out a plan, a criminal shows up with a gun and holds everyone hostage. Um, I think they were doing that to themselves.

Bullets fly and then there were three. But an alien robot, scouting for loose citizens to eye fry, hears the gunfire and crashes into the hotel, eventually clanking its way up the stairs to the room where all the action is.

Heading to the roof, the robot is in slow pursuit. The drunk guy sacrifices himself to save Nora and her bullet perforated boyfriend and is vaporized by some sort of science beam. Before you can say “they’re f’d in the b-hole), the Army shows up, and using a loud speaker broadcasting a disrupt-o signal, disable the robot before it can shine a light on the situation.

You never get to see the alien robot army, just the one tin can. The introduction of the criminal with a gun didn’t make sense. Not staying in the cocktail lounge didn’t make sense either because hey, free booze! And when the “army” shows up, there’s only a couple of jeeps. And too much time is spent talking and not screaming.

Target Earth needed to find a bulls-eye.

Super Sci-Fi

Superheroes are science fiction. That incendiary statement is a big fat lie. Take Batman, for instance. He’s one of history’s greatest superheroes and is self made. No being born on a distant planet and being foster home’d on Earth, finding a power ring that didn’t come out of a Cracker Jack’s™ box, or bitten by a radioactive ick bug. Just a lot of time in the lab and gym, and a deep desire to smack criminals – or anyone even thinking about becoming a criminal.

By and large, though, superheroes are the stuff of sci-fi. How could you not punch buildings in the roof without breaking your knuckles, or stretch your arms around your body and give yourself a reach-around and not be borne of sci-fi? And this, along with some really cool characters and story lines, is what makes the current wave of superhero TV shows so dang fun.

Preferring to watch movies instead of TV shows, I was lured back by a whole punchfest of superhero shows delving into the re-imagined history of Batman, The Flash, Green Arrow, Daredevil and the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. in a way comic books (or “15 cent bibles”) of my youth only touched on. After binge watching a pile of these new TV series, here are a few overviews and observations…

GOTHAM
A clever spin on taking the Batman universe back to the beginning, when pre-Bat Bruce Wayne is just starting to grow vengeance pubes. It’s here they shake up the origins of B-Man’s greatest foes – Catwoman, Penguin, Joker, Riddler, Poison Ivy, etc. – and how they played a part in young Master Bruce’s pre-destiny. (Selina “Catwoman” Kyle is a teen here and quite the cutie, thereby introducing Bruce to his newest weapon, the Bat Boner.) Also, someone dies violently every episode.

THE FLASH
C.S.I. whiz Barry Allen was turned into the Flash by a particle accelerator explosion, changing him into a meta-human. The same science-gone-wrong blast also morphed a bunch of non-law abiding citizens of Central City into meta-criminals, each acquiring a unique sci-fi power of their own. This provides the Flash with a new super criminal each week to weave into the overall story arc. P.S. Kind of a well-intentioned wuss, Flash nevertheless cries every episode. And he also gets beat up a lot. Maybe they should call him the “Fastest Punching Bag Alive.”

ARROW
A heavy back story hot mess, Arrow nonetheless shows the transformation of billionaire twenty-something Oliver Queen, going from party fun boy cheating on his girlfriend with her sister (in his defense, sis is really hot), to the hooded/masked/eye makeup’d Arrow (or “Green Arrow”), a balancer of right and wrong. It’s here he puts to good use his peerless bow and arrow skills he developed to survive on that criminal-infested, desolate island for five years after his yacht sank in big wavy waves. In the beginning he actually killed people. Now he just wounds them. In every episode someone finds out his secret identity. (Notes: Oliver never seems to run out of arrows. Also, the show crosses over with The Flash. Pretty flashy.)

DAREDEVIL
Really dark – in lighting and mood – the sightless Daredevil brings blind justice (heh) to New York by night, and fights for due legal process as attorney Matt Murdock by day. (As he’s blind, how can Daredevil tell when it’s night and day? Yet another one of his unique abilities, I guess.) DD didn’t wear his famous devil-horned red costume for most of the first season, preferring to beat up criminals in his Old Navy™ street pants. Speaking of fisticuffs, the gritty fight scenes are amazingly orchestrated and extreme brutal ass kick. Everybody at work the next day just thinks those bruises on his face were from tripping over furniture.

THE AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
The Agents of S.H.I.E.LD. is overflowing with super humans, super criminals, global conspiracies, betrayals, wicked fight sequences, secrets within secrets, occasional Avenger cameos, and really hot gals. The series, soon to be on its third season as of this e-barfing, stretches to keep the story arc from sliding all over the place. Doesn’t always succeed, but still one of the better genre shows going (my opinion only). The amazingly cool character of Agent Phil Coulson is brought back from the dead (he was killed in half by Loki, Thor’s half-bro in The Avengers/2012) with his dry humor intact, and picks up the pieces of the broken S.H.I.E.L.D. (see Captain America: The Winter Soldier/2014), and kicks ass in every cliff-hanging episode. I wish to be an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., if for anything to meet Chloe Bennet (aka, Agent Skye). You don’t have to guess what her super power is…

SUPERGIRL
Getting ready to air as of this super-blogging. But watching the promo short, I can tell this one isn’t for me, despite Supergirl being a super cutie.

This show is meant for 12-13 year old girls. Since I quit wearing sparkle fingernail polish last year, I’ll have to give the Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) sexy spin-off, Agent Carter a try…

GOTTA GET THIS OFF MY SUPER CHEST: SMALLVILLE
Airing from 2001 to 2011, this popular 10-year series followed the acne years of Superman. Yeah, I watched a few episodes in the beginning, only to fly away after seeing Super Wuss go through endless drama scenes of teen angst. (You’re over-thinking it if you get a tummy ache deciding if it’s morally right or not to look through Lois Lane’s blouse with your X-ray vision. Just do it, for crying out loud. (No pun intended.)

P.S. I didn’t forget Heroes. Just never watched it. I was busy painting my nails and… Oh crap – did I just say that out loud? Clearly, my super power is having a big mouth.

Visiting Flesh-Eaters

Wanna see a couple of ill-intent criminals consumed by a flesh-eating creature? Well hey – who doesn’t?

Gonna cost you, though. The Visitors – a crowd-funded movie on Indiegogo [click here] that’s reputed to contain healthy elements of The Evil Dead and The Thing, need your fun bucks to make the criminal-eating possible.

Here’s the pitch: “After settling into their new home in the country, the Cooper family’s night of peaceful relaxation is brought to an abrupt halt when two mysterious drifters come knocking on their door. As the drifters attempt to unleash a strategic plan of terror upon the unsuspecting family, their plan is soon foiled by a flesh-eating creature fixated on only one thing – survival.”

“In order for the family to survive the night they must entrust in the one person who once sought to harm them, but as the events of the evening begin to unravel it becomes clear that there is more to this situation than meets the eye and more than one monster lurking in the shadows.”

Hmm – sounds like they need to work together with one or more criminals to fend off this creature that eats flesh. Since The Visitors is set in the country, I’m betting the flesh-eating creature is a mad cow with mad cow disease. Makes sense when you think about it.

Texas Vampires

This artery-rippin’ sequel of From Dusk ’Til Dawn (1996) is a pretty cool take on vampires. Since these undead heads are made from Texans, they wear snakeskin boots, drive big black Eldorados and have teeth the size of San Antonio lollipops (jalapeños).

A group of poor robbers head south of the border to steal five million dollars (or $53,565,073.88 pesos) from a bank guarded by a minimum wage security employee. Along the way one of the robbers goes into the Titty Twister Club (they still had that cool sign left over from the first movie) and gets bit on the collar area by a bartending vampire. (And no, he wasn’t serving Bloody Marys, though you think he would, you know, just for inside laughs ’n stuff). He then sucks on the rest of his gang. When the cops show up (not realizing it’s their last day on the job), it’s carnage ala’ mode.

Killer action (heh), campy gore, clever camera angles, which includes a vampire chomping down on a throat – from the inside point of view from its mouth! Despite the fact there’s only one sex scene (barely showing any boob), it does lead to a shower scene which plays as a nifty tribute to Psycho (1960). All the robbers turn into suckers, except one. If he can last the night, he gets all the cash/pesos/vampire coupons and the keys to the Eldorado.

The shoot-out between the cops and neck-suckers that lasts until daybreak is pretty much the Bout to Suck The Blood Out of vampire bloodfests. Why can’t all movies – including romantic comedies – be like From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)?