Salty Wormhole, Aqua Dinosauria, Sharkzilla

Themed movie popcorn buckets are nothing new, and are generally awesome collector items. But none has been so…unsettling…as the Dune: Part Two popcorn bucket. Featuring a sandworm orifice with tickle-y tentacles, to get to the popcorn you have to stick your hand — or an alternate body part — into it’s “mouth”. This, of course set off an avalanche of innuendos and jokes on news channels, social media and even a bit on Saturday Night Live, some of which I can’t repeat here, no matter how freakin’ funny they are.

The Dune: Part Two popcorn bucket clearly drew its inspiration from the Fleshlight™, a personal comfort device sold on adult websites for $69.99 and up. They come with a variety of interchangeable “portals” designed to mimic the lifelike feel of human portals. That was an oddly uncomfortable sentence to write. Cleverly, an AI artist created more “comfortable” movie-themed popcorn buckets, like Alien, IT, Back to the Future and Ghost.

So while we go on eBay™ to find a Dune: Part Two popcorn bucket (current bidding starts at $59.99 and go up to $805.00), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci movies/documentaries that may or may not be as realistic as a Fleshlight™…

ATTENBOROUGH AND THE GIANT SEA MONSTER / Out now (VOD)

Sir David Attenborough investigates the discovery of a lifetime: the giant skull of a prehistoric sea monster, known as a pliosaur — the Tyrannosaurus rex of the seas.”

They should call this Jurassic Aquarium & Water Park.

THE HAUNTED STUDIO / Out now (VOD)

“During the shooting of a horror movie, an eccentric B-movie producer inadvertently summons a demon.”

Shouldn’t be a problem as long as the demon is a SAG™ member in good standing.

NEVER LET GO / September 27, 2024 (Theaters)

“A mother and her fraternal twin sons have been tormented by an evil spirit for years and are convinced to never let go of their family’s protective bond. But when one of the boys questions if the evil is real, their connection is severed, triggering a terrifying fight for survival.”

When battling evil, the family’s protective bond is their metaphorical circle of salt. Just basic table salt, not that fancy pants, albeit it healthier, Himalayan pink sea salt. Saving the family or not, that stuff’s expensive.

MEGALODON RETURNS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Megalodon Returns is a 2024 Chinese creature film and another entry in the mega monster sub-genre.”

The original title was Sky-Eating Shark. No plot yet, but with they really don’t need one when you have a shark the size of Godzilla munching on the Chinese version of the Golden Gate Bridge as if it were a breadstick.

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