Archive for full moon

Killer Cakes, Reflecting Evil, Pregnant Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell

Okay, so this is pretty cool — Christine McConnell, artist/photographer/baker, is getting her own Netflix™ TV cooking show series called The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell, premiering October 12, 2018. If you don’t know her work, she’s famous (250,000 followers on Instagram™) for her horror-themed baked yummables.

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell

From the press release: “Wickedly talented baker and artist, Christine McConnell welcomes you into her terrifyingly delicious home to create delectable confections and hauntingly disturbing decor with the help of her colorful collection of creatures.”

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell

Awesome. Makes you wonder, though, if her Alien Facehugger cake bursts out of your stomach after you eat it. I’ve had Hostess Twinkies™ do that. While you chew on the visual, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as artificially-flavored snack treat…

Puppet Master: Blitzkrieg Massacre

PUPPET MASTER: BLITZKRIEG MASSACRE (available now)
“This stomach-churning adventure starts off with Puppet Master: Blitzkrieg Massacre, in which The Gore Collector culls the sickest moments from the 11-film deep Puppet Master series, mashing them together with macabre music and brand new moments of body-breaking mayhem: In an unknown dystopian future, a drifter with an unusually high-tolerance for pain is held captive in a horrific hospital by The Circle of Psycho Surgeons, a clandestine crew of M.D.’s (that’s medical deviants) who are experimenting with human suffering. Suddenly, our shackled hero hears the call of The Gore Collector, a sadistic curator of carnage who is well past his prime and now seeks an heir to take over his evil operation. Escaping from the lurid lab, the drifter enters the underground lair of The Gore Collector — there the perverse programmer pops in a vile videotape and begins the process of trying to warp the man’s mind with some of the goriest and most gruesome moments from Full Moon’s iconic film franchises.”

Yeesh, talk about recycling. So this basically a greatest hits package and a way to further milk a horror franchise that, like the victims in these movies, should’ve died a long time ago.

Look Away

LOOK AWAY (October 12, 2018)
A lonely 18-year-old high schooler opens up to her reflection because of the lack of support she has from family and her peers. She switches place with her supportive, but evil, twin that she discovers in the mirror’s reflection, but the newfound freedom unleashes suppressed feelings.

My mirror twin is a real asshat. Nice hair, though.

Blessed Are The Children

BLESSED ARE THE CHILDREN (October 23, 2018)
Traci Patterson, an adrift 20-something who’s still reeling from the death of her father and her breakup with an abusive fiancé, discovers that she’s pregnant. With the help of her friends, Erin and Mandy, Traci decides to terminate her pregnancy, but quickly after leaving the clinic, she begins seeing and hearing things — shapes in the corner of her eye, strange noises in the middle of the night, and ghoulish figures stalking her every move. Is it guilt or are Traci and her friends in grave danger?”

So the douchebag abusive fiancé knocked up Traci and then bailed? I think the ghoulish figures are stalking the wrong person.

The Amityville Murders

THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS (November 13, 2018)
“On the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that “voices” in the house commanded him to kill. Thirteen months later, the Lutz family bought the house and stayed only 28 days before fleeing in terror. Their nightmarish ordeal shocked the world in The Amityville Horror. The Lutzes may have escaped from Amityville with their lives…but the DeFeos weren’t so lucky. This is their story.”

There are three certainties in life: taxes, death and YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror spin-off. And yet I’ll probably watch it. Voices are telling me to.

Doctor to the Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Dracula

House of Dracula (1945) is the cash-in sequel to House of Frankenstein (1944). Sadly, Co-op of The Creature and Duplex of the Damned never got off the drawing board. Dang it all to heck.

House of Dracula

In HoD, Dracula (aka, Baron Latos) is fed up with being a vampire and seeks the medical acumen of castle-dwelling Dr. Franz Edelmann. No word on whether or not Dracula got a referral from his primary care physician.

House of Dracula

Doc Edelmann, aided by two nurse assistants (one is a supermodel, the other a hunchback who looked like she just had her bra on backward), tells Dracula that he’s been experimenting with clavaria formosa, a plant whose spores have the ability to reshape bone. (Sorry skeletons; doesn’t work on you.) And with a series of blood transfusions, he can cure the quitter vampire. (P.S. The blood comes from Edelmann himself. Put that up there in the Top 5 malpractices suits of all time.)

House of Dracula

The doc must’ve left his “walk-ins welcome” sign on because Larry Talbot – the Wolf Man – also shows up, begging the doc to find a cure for his lycanthropy. (Geez, who’s next – the Mummy needing his Band-Aids™ changed?)

House of Dracula

As we all know, Talbot hates being a werewolf because of all that primal need to kill stuff. The doc theorizes that Larry’s wolf-y upgrade is not due to the moon’s influence, but there’s pressure on his brain that, with a little open head surgery and some science mold spores from the same plant, he can cure the fur.

House of Dracula

Of course, all of this goes to heck in a hand basket. During the transfusion, Dracula punks the doc and Nurse Hunchback by hypnotizing them and reversing the blood flow, thereby infecting Edelmann with Type-Oh No Negative. Now the doc’s a vampire that runs around town making work for the coroner.

House of Dracula

Somehow they wedge Frankenstein’s monster into the mix. Why not? In for a penny, in for a pound. While F’s monster doesn’t really do anything except lumber around like it was last call, it’s the now evil doc who needs to taste the wrath of torches and rakes wielded by hangman jury-esque villagers.

House of Dracula

Dracula, wearing a top hat indoors (how rude), is hammy and seems to be phoning it in. Larry Talbot sports a mustache (like he freakin’ needs more hair on his face). The doc – in both care giver and care taker form – gets most of the screen time (and will no doubt bill you for it). The hunchback nurse is killed and her body tossed in a cave hole. (I had a hunch that would happen. Heh.) And Frankenstein’s monster, who locked it up with Larry in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943), gets the raw end of the electrode YET AGAIN, and goes up in flames with the rest of the castle in the movie’s rushed climax/ending. He’ll be back.

House of Frankenstein / House of the Wolf Man

P.S. Wolf Man and Frankenstein’s M were reunited in 2009’s House of the Wolf Man. Those two just can’t seem to get along. Maybe they should try regular therapy instead of shock therapy.

Rappin’ Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Heist

Four street hustlers with a degree in rap plan to rob a small-town bank so they can afford a lifestyle befitting their hip-hop dreams. Too bad they picked the one town that, on a full moon, is overrun with blood-eating zombies. Yo, that’s whack.

Dead Heist

The robbery goes further south when the zombies converge on the financial institute, looking to make a withdrawal of interest-bearing neck chunks and high-yield blood loss. Additionally, the dialogue between the gangstas is priceless, full of colorful street colloquialisms like “Step off, b*tch!”, “That’s the game, b*tch!” and “Your top is comin’ off, b*tch!” Not surprising, given that almost the entire cast is a rap star.

Dead Heist

The zombies have their freak on and run after you like you just called their mother a ’ho. They gurgle a lot and have foggy eyes, but this brand of the undead – a result of a botched military experiment to fashion synthetic blood – only dies when you shoot ’em in the heart. So if you’re a rapper with a gun (and why wouldn’t you be?), forget the rule about popping a cap in their brains, because it just wouldn’t be dope, yo.

Dead Heist

Dead Heist (2007) flashes bank amounts of blood, a little neck chewin’, and some fresh zombie rhymes. I’m down wid’ it.

Late Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Late Phases

Late Phases (2014) is a new werewolf movie that had its premier on March 9, 2014 at SXSW. I was not there; The invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail. But has this movie seen the light of day since? Not that I’m aware of. And I check these things more than I check the mail.

Anyhow, Late Phases goes a little something like this…

“Ambrose (Nick Damici) is a blind Vietnam War veteran that moves into a retirement community with his seeing eye dog upon the prompting of his son Will (Ethan Embry). He’s shocked when he narrowly survives an attack by what he believes to be a werewolf.”

Late Phases

“The community has been the focus of several brutal dog attacks that have killed several residents, but Ambrose now believes that it is werewolves and not dogs that have been doing the slaughtering. Now Ambrose is preparing himself for the next full moon, when he will make his strike against his lupine would-be aggressors.”

Late Phases

Would-be aggressors. Never heard a werewolf summed up like that. Aren’t all werewolves aggressive by design? I seriously doubt that the werewolf is gonna be all neighborly and help the vision-impaired Ambrose across the street. Not without chewing on the bone in his neck first.

Still, Late Phases sounds interesting. I just wish someone would send me a card or letter telling me when it’s gonna come out.

Wolf-Man For President

Posted in Classic Horror, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Werewolf of Washington

Jack Whittier, the President’s aide, is sent to Hungary for no other reason that it’s there. While making his way back to the airport to get the hell out of that smell-infested country, his car is run off the road and he’s bitten by a wolf, which we later find out was a gosh-darn werewolf.

The Werewolf of Washington

Once back in Washington, Jack turns into a marauding, suit-wearing lycanthrope and kills a few people that probably deserved it. (One attack has him on top of a woman’s car at a brightly-lit gas station. Fortunately, no one saw him.)

The Werewolf of Washington

As luck would have it there are five nights of full moons. Jack’s gooning out and trying to tell everyone he’s the werewolf in the news that’s been biting people. No one believes him. I do, though. When he changes into a silver-haired werewolf in his apartment, he crawls around on all fours and bites the lamp. That’s OK – it was probably a stupid lamp.

The Werewolf of Washington

In a really confusing plot deviation, wolfman Jack (Hey, I just got that!) makes his way into the White House basement where he encounters the dwarf, Dr. Kiss (no relation to the popular musical ensemble) who’s been experimenting on bodies. Jack sniffs the doctor’s butt and licks his face. This causes the doc to laugh, even though it probably wasn’t in the script.

The Werewolf of Washington

And speaking of, there are so many laughably bad scenes in The Werewolf of Washington (1973), you have to see it to believe it. Great dialogue, too, as Jack, who’s been boinking the President’s daughter, tells her with a straight face, “I think your father is a cross between Abe Lincoln and Jesus Christ.” Man, you can’t even write lines that good anymore.

The President swears numerous times and eventually gets bitten by Jack. Let’s just say the Pentagon is now the Pentagram. Heh.

Zombie Gladiator

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Demonicus

An ancient burial cave (or “tunnel”) holds the rotted carcass of Demonicus, a bully gladiator left in the cave for a really long time to reflect on his poor behavior. To wear his shiny helmet is to serve Demonicus. So, hey – why not?

Demonicus

A bunch of teens go hiking. One finds the cave and dons the evil chapeau, then slaughters his friends with a sword he can barely hold up. He then collects the body parts, puts them in a boiling pot with some chicken stock and chopped celery, creating a nutritious soup that’ll bring Demonicus back to life so that he may continue to shout Latin slogans and bite the arms of the weak.

Demonicus

As dumb v.3 as it gets, Demonicus (2001) makes no attempt at dialogue, sub-plots, or hiding the fact that “actors” will one minute be standing in complete darkness, then a few minutes later in sunlight. Then in an unemployment line.

Demonicus

If the plot doesn’t kill you, the story line will. It’s enough to make you wanna perform a ritual sacrifice on your TV.

Wisecracking Werewolf

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Big Bad Wolf

If you’re gonna drive five hours to find a cabin deep in the woods to drink alcohol and have unsafe sex, you should probably check Mapquest™ to see if there are any werewolves in that area. Six college kids get a party started at said cabin owned by a student’s mean step-dad, who just happens to be that werewolf. And it just happens to be a full moon.

Big Bad Wolf

It’s not a horror movie coincidence that the ones having sex are the first slaughtered. But in a kinky twist, the werewolf actually talks and cracks bad one-liners (invoking the “Three Little Pigs” jingle, but substituting new easily-rhyming words like “die,” “kill,” and “bleed”). The attacks are extreme/rad/vicious, with legs being torn off, necks being opened up to see the juicy goodness inside. Oh, and there’s wrong-side-’o-the-zipper castration.

Big Bad Wolf

The werewolf even gets himself a little booty by doing it doggy style with one of the girls. “She was a virgin!” screams her boyfriend. “Not anymore!” cracks the werewolf. Touché. In a last minute move to wedgy in a sequel, the werewolf bites the son on the arm area (close to but not including the elbow), passing along his bitey heritage.

Big Bad Wolf

Big Bad Wolf (2006) features yummy gore and occasionally sharp dialogue that ranks up there with Ginger Snaps (2000), the superb chick werewolf movie. The wolf himself is pretty cool, but in the dark looks like a guy in a gorilla suit. Speaking of which, I need to go get fitted for one in case of occasions that call for me to wear nicer clothes.