Hooker Horror, Goat Gore, Strange Children

The dark comedy cult horror hit, Frankenhooker came out in 1990. Sporting one of the best movie titles ever in the history of ever, you can now, for the first time in three decades, get officially-licensed Frankenhooker merch from one of the best horror swag sites, Fright-Rags.com. They’re featuring five different shirt designs and even Frankenhooker socks, because why not?

You say you haven’t seen Frankenhooker? Here’s the detailings: “Jeffrey Franken, a medical student, sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of New York prostitutes.” Best. Plot. Ever. So how did his fiancée get decapitated? A lawnmower. How did he get the body parts from the NY prostitutes? Giving them super-crack to smoke, which made them explode. (One of the funniest scenes is when Zorro, their pimp, gets knocked out by a flying hooker head that just blew off.) They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

So while you rent the movie and click on over to Fright-Rags to get some cool Frankenhooker adornments (buy ’em), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna get a lawnmower haircut…

GOATMAN / Out now (VOD)

“A news reporter and her crew investigating the legend of Goatman in a dense forest find themselves in danger, and getting a bigger story than any of them could imagine.”

Wonder if Goatman’s first name is Billy?

DARKEST OF LIES / Out now (VOD)

“Army vet Travis reluctantly follows his wife Rochelle to the West Coast after she lands a life-changing job. Living with the scars of war, and waning off an opioid addiction, he struggles to find a sense of belonging in the couple’s new home. However, his best efforts are thwarted by an onset of horrifying hallucinations and dark visions.”

Then Travis better not go to the Tug Tavern for Horrifying Hallucinations ’n Dark Visions Night: a keg of freshness-expired Steel Reserve™ is $1.00 a pint until the first person goes to the bathroom. Then it’s .50 cents.

SEIRE / June 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Woojin, who has just became the father of a newborn baby, hears that Seyoung, whom he had once dated, has died. He goes to her funeral without telling his wife, and comes across Yeyoung, Seoyung’s twin sister. Following this encounter, Woojin and his family experience a series of horrific misfortunes.”

The first horrific misfortune was being named “Woojin.”

VIOLETT / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A series of strange child disappearances have left the rural town of Miles in a state of disbelief. Shadows of grief reverberate through the streets and into a silenced home, where sick mother Sonya fears unspeakable evil will soon snatch her 11-year-old daughter Violett. Disconnected from her husband, Sonya’s paranoia forms the dregs of a once troubled childhood which threatens her sanity and the things she loves most. As bizarre visions and disturbing characters from the neighborhood emerge, Sonya is about to discover more than just one grisly truth.”

Strange children disappearing? Um, they need to change that sentence to “strange disappearances of children” so I can get back to my bizarre visions. 

Evil Dead Christmas, Earth Gone Wild, Sci-Fi Jellyfish

It’s a good time to be alive if you’re a fan of The Evil Dead. For instance, there’s an officially sanctioned Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn escape room coming this summer to Seattle (about three miles from where I’m currently escaping) and long hoped for Evil Dead trading cards. It’s like Christmas plus.

The Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn escape room costs $30 to get into and goes like this: “When players enter that all-too-familiar cabin in the woods, they will have until dawn (or sixty minutes, whichever comes first) to find the Kandarian dagger and destroy the Book of the Dead before the evil dead swallows their souls. Fans of the classic film can expect deadites, chainsaws, a very strange deer head, a chained-up cellar door, and plenty of horrifying surprises.” When I go I better wear Depends™.

Up next is The Evil Dead trading cards by Fright Rags. You can get ‘em as a single wax pack (nine cards and a sticker — $5.00), sealed box (two full sets of cards plus a pile of exclusive extras – $35.00) and the coveted factory box (the full 68 base card set and a few extras – $120.00). Time to dip into my 401k and do some impulse buying.

While you do the same, here are a few available now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you to wear Depends™…

THE WANDERING EARTH (in theaters now/Netflix™/2019)
“When the sun dies out, the people of Earth build giant thrusters to move the planet out of orbit and sail to a new star system. After 2,500 years, young people continue the fight for everyone’s survival.”

Man, there’s a lot of e-chatter about this one on the Net. Apparently, the film hit box office gold in China with $603 million…in just two weeks! That’s more than I make in a month. And Netflix™ is betting big on this pony by making it available for the U.S. market. No set date for its premier on the world’s biggest movie streaming channel, but it’s having a limited run in theaters/theatres right now. (It’s on four screens in parts of the city that are too hard for me to get to without cursing out traffic jams in Chinese.) Sounds like The Wandering Earth, in all its epic-ness, should been seen on the big screen. Time to buy a bigger TV.

CHIMERA STRAIN (March 15, 2019)
“A scientist freezes his children alive while he races to cure their deadly genetic disease by decoding the DNA of the Turritopsis jellyfish.”

Okay, what?

THE FIELD GUIDE TO EVIL (March 29, 2019)
“A feature-length anthology film. They are known as myths, lore, and folktales. Created to give logic to mankind’s darkest fears, these stories laid the foundation for what we now know as the horror genre.”

Great title. Too bad its an anthology and not an instructional manual.

THE HAUNTING OF SHARON TATE (April 5, 2019)
“The film’s plot is supposedly inspired by a quote from the real Sharon Tate, from an interview published a year before her death, where she revealed ‘having a nightmare’ in which she saw a strange man in her house and then discovered herself and her friend Jay Sebring tied up with their throats cut open.”

You know Hollywood is strapped for ideas when they take a quote and turn it into a movie. I’m looking in your direction, Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000).