Archive for Planet of the Apes

9 Years of Parade-Worthy Horror

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror Questions

Today is the nine-year anniversary of my very first posting on WordPress™. After I upload this, I’m going outside to wait for my parade. There’s sure to be tens, maybe dozens, of people showing up, so I better get there early to get a good viewing spot. Okay, that made no sense at all.

Thriftway

That said, over the years and in line at the grocery hole (Thriftway™ — more expensive than Safeway™, but easier to get to), I’ve been asked a least one million billion questions about myself and this here Drinkin’ & Drive-in blog. Figured it was about time to put it on the glass so everyone who reads this thing (thank you) can finally get some closure.

Horror

“How long have you been doing the Drinkin’ & Drive-in blog and how did you get started?”
I was hired by Microsoft (aka, MSNEntertainment.com) back in 1997 to do a PAID daily horror/sci-fi movie blog called Fright Site. That program ended in 2010 (at least their checks didn’t bounce), but I wasn’t done yet. After about three seconds of studied and careful consideration, I started up Drinkin’ & Drive-in on WordPress.com and have been doing it WITHOUT PAY since June 9, 2010. So 25 years total, give or take. (I’m not really a math guy.)

Horror

How come you don’t accept paid advertising on your blog?
Because ads suck. I’d rather keep doing the blog for no pay than have it cluttered with banners promoting trendy pants and boxed squeezy mattresses. (Disclaimer: WordPress™ might have small pop-up ads that, like my thirst for beer, I have no control over.)

Ultimate Hamburger

“How would you describe your blog?
I don’t do horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie reviews as it requires more brains than I currently have operating inside the vending machine that is my head. Rather, I just endlessly watch all kinds of horror and sci-fi and merely relate what I’ve witnessed. As opposed to a food critic, I would rather not analyze the notes and complexities of food and just eat the damn hamburger.

Godzilla

“What are your favorite kinds of horror movies?”
Longtime readers (thank you, David. H and Jon from NC) will know I’m a big fan of giant monster movies, Japanese or otherwise. This is followed by ghosts, werewolf and shark movies. My least favorite types of horror movies are those with slashers/serial killers. There’s more than enough of those types of people in the news everyday. For sheer crazy weirdness, I really dig those Japanese extreme gore movies and pretty much anything regarding UFOs.

UFO

“Have you ever seen a UFO?”
Not as yet. But I do believe the people who say they’ve seen one. The truth is out there, I want to believe, etc., etc. I do, however, eat UFOs  almost every day: unidentified frying objects.

Zombeavers

“Are there any types of horror movies you won’t watch?”
Though I have seen enough of ‘em to know not to watch that kind of stuff anymore, are horror movies involving torture porn, rape and real or fake violence against real and/or fake animals, though I will make an exception for critters that are zombies. (I’m looking in your direction Zombeavers/2014). Oddly, I don’t feel the same way about violence towards fish. (Ironically, I’m eating a tuna fish sandwich while writing this.)

“You don’t use swear words in your blog — why not?”
Anyone can swear — it’s like the karaoke of language. My “journalism skills” are offensive enough without adding salty/florid language to it. That, and I just sound dumber than usual if I do.

Horror

“What are your favorite horror/sci-fi movies?”
Too many to list, but here’s a few classics I never get tired of watching over and over and over: Planet of the Apes (1968); Godzilla (1954); The Legend of Hell House (1973); 30 Days of Night (2007); The Thing (1982); The Wolf-Man (1941); Alien (1979); The Evil Dead (1981); Let The Right One In (2008); An American Werewolf in London (1981), and A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). There’s about two dozen more, but this is a nice representation of my cinematic tastes.

horror

Recent ones (as this time and space) that kicked me in the britches are The Witch (2015), It (2017), It Follows (014), Stranger Things (2016), The Babadook (2014), Godzilla (2014), Shin Godzilla (2017) and Kong: Skull Island (2017), to name a few.

Budweiser

“After all these years, why keep going?”
A curious but relentless compulsion, really. That, and it’s a way to justify all those decades sitting on a couch watching TV. And no, I’m not fat from doing that, nor would I even think about body shaming someone who is. I currently weigh just 6.5 lbs. over my target weight for height and age, despite my insatiable thirst for all things adult beverages, which is generally Budweiser™. And I don’t drink hard alcohol — too many notes. That’s not to say I’d turn down a complimentary sip or three. Ahem.

Alcohol

What critique would you give your blog?
I tend to ramble. I feel as though it should be more “don’t bore us — get to the chorus.” But I don’t wanna leave anything out. Obsession is harsh mistress. Also, I occasionally repeat myself due to the erratic nature of both my brainwaves and horror movie release schedules. That bugs the insects outta me.

Horror

“How come your blog or even yourself is not on social media?”
I do this blog for free, so why make more work for myself? As for me not being on social media, besides the fact that trendy medium sucks green donkeys, I don’t think the world needs to hear what I had for breakfast or what cat video I just watched.

“How old are you?”
For an accurate answer, cut my liver in half and count the rings.

Horror

“How much longer are you going to keep doing Drinkin’ & Drive-in?”
That’s up to my liver.

Retro Apes, Monk Madness, Virtual Lower Class

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Apes

Super7.com — maker of retro action figures, shirts and possibly tea-strainers of pop culture personages/things, are offering a series of six retro Planet of the Apes action figures or “toys” for a non-retro price of $15.00 each. So cool, and yet my wallet is pushing back.

Planet of the Apes

Here’s from the press release: “Super7 is beyond stoked to be part of the 50th Anniversary of the original Planet of the Apes film! Now you can travel back to an alternate universe where Apes are waiting at the toy shop after the sci-fi classic blew 1968 minds. Far out, man!”

Far out, man. I heard a hippie say that to me once. I had no idea what he was saying. Maybe it was his response to me telling him he should experience the glory of the washcloth.

Dr. Zaius

So you can get Cornelius, Dr. Zauis, General Ursus, Nova, Taylor and Zira individually or as a set for $90. (No discount for a group purchase). It should be noted that the Taylor action figure isn’t wearing clothes and when you pull the string on the Nova figure, it doesn’t say anything. (Kidding, none of ‘em have strings and most seem to wearing at least a smile.)

Click HERE snag ‘em (the packaging is way cool). And should decide not to buy ‘em. Here are a few now available/upcoming horror and sci-fi films that unfortunately talk when you pull the string…

The Nursery

THE NURSERY (available now)
“When Ranae, a college student babysits for a family with a tragic history, she finds herself stalked by a sinister presence and haunted by ghosts from her own past. Soon, she and her friends must confront the angry, evil spirit hunting them down one-by-one on a deliberate march towards its ultimate prey.”

Geez — what is it with people “haunted by ghosts from their own past”? Who doesn’t have that? heck, I have about a baker’s dozen — or Th13teen Ghosts (heh) — of ‘em just waiting to trip me up every time I’m hired to babysit. Hey, it beats delivering newspapers in the rain. Like the ghosts, that B.S. messes up my hair.

House of Evil

HOUSE OF EVIL (available now)
“Set in the early 70’s, House of Evil tells the story of a young couple, John and Kate, that move into an old mansion in the countryside. Soon they discover that the house is haunted by the Devil himself, who want to possess them and enter the world.”

Even though it was filmed in Italy and released in 2017 where Italian food was born and tastes way better than it does over here in the States, this is an English language flick. Never mind that the plot is so worn out, even the Devil herself only makes cameos; Italian food is tastier than hell.

The Apperance

THE APPEARANCE (2018)
“An officer of the Inquisition and rational man of science, visits a remote monastery to investigate a bizarre murder of a monk. Something evil is afoot. But is the terror man-made or the result of witchcraft?”

Nope, it’s witchcraft. It’s the only thing that makes sense, especially when you have an evil foot.

Empathy, Inc.

EMPATHY, INC. (June 24, 2018)
“At the lowest and most desperate moment in his life, hotshot venture capitalist Joel meets old friend Nicolaus and his business partner Lester, who are seeking investors in a new technology known as XVRXtreme Virtual Reality — from their company Empathy, Inc., which is said to offer the most realistic and moving experiences for users by placing them in the lives of the less fortunate. Joel gets the startup its funds but soon discovers that the tech’s creators have far more sinister uses in store for their creation and that the reality it provides its customers isn’t virtual.”

This borrows heavily from 1984’s Dreamscape. But if Empathy, Inc. want real virtual experiences for their customers, best to not let them put their pity hat on to step into my shoes. I have an evil afoot.

50 Years of Apes

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Apes

March 27, 1968 was when the world changed for the better. That’s when talking monkeys ruled the Earth and it became a sort of “planet of the apes. ” (Nowadays, the world is run by a bunch of braying jackasses.)

Planet of the Apes

Planet of the Apes, one of sci-fi’s all time greatest movies, was released on this day 50 years ago. And after spawning a veritable Ape City of movies, remakes, a TV series, cartoons, games, books, toys and bubblegum cards whose included hard and sharp card-shaped gum would cut your gums like you were chewing on a razor, still remains king of the jungle.

Planet of the Apes

The original Planet of the Apes movie, kinda sorta based on La Planète des Singes, a 1963 the short novel  by French quill-slinger Pierre Boulle, was adapted to the big screen by none other than Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling and Bridge Over River Kwai’s (1957) Michael Wilson. Taking the book’s premise that evolved apes were the dominant species over man, they ran with the concept and took it straight to the box office hoop, and came up with arguably the best shock-twist movie endings ever in the history of ever. (If you haven’t seen it, you might wanna do that now, then go put your pants in the washer.)

Planet of the Apes

So what have we learned from Planet of the Apes over the last five decades? First, mankind is still a collective a**hole. And Zira, the female doctor chimp, is kind of a floozy, her romantic tastes crossing species like swinging from a vine. Then you have Dr. Zaius, a hard-right Republican, who tried to suppress and delete the existence of illegal aliens. Cornelius, Zira’s husband and archaeologist, was, and shall always be, a lovable wuss. And let’s not forget General Ursus, a war-maddened gorilla who lives in infamy for his Jiffy Pop™ shaped helmet and stirring war cry, “The only good human is a dead human!” Hardcore, but direct to the point.

Planet of the Apes

So happy birthday, Planet of the Apes. You made this world a better Forbidden Zone.

Apes, Zombies, Ghosts & Teenagers

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Don't Hang Up

Been watching a whole slew of UFO documentaries on Amazon Prime™. Sure, there are tons of ‘em on YouTube™, but at least the ones on Amazon are in focus. As for the subject matter, pretty sure UFOs are real — even the blurry ones.

Here’s some upcoming horror movies that’ll leave you blurry…

DON’T HANG UP (February 10, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“While not in school, Brady and his best friend Sam spend their time making prank calls that they upload online to receive millions of views. As their online celebrity begins to rise, the boys escalate their pranks to a dangerous level. One evening, Brady and Sam receive a prank call of their own, igniting a nightmare for the pair of teenagers when the mysterious caller turns their own game against them with deadly consequences.”

I think you have to be a teenager to be into this movie. I’m not a teenager. I am into prank calls, though. But I’m not into this movie. Why? For one thing, there are teenagers in it…

Ghosts of Darkness

GHOSTS OF DARKNESS (March 7, 2017)
“Locked for three nights in a house with a dark and unsettling past, two paranormal investigators must put their differences to one side and work together. They soon discover the myths and stories are nothing compared to what actually resides within the eerie walls of Richwood Manor.”

Is this not the fate of all paranormal investigators, to finally find what they’re looking for, only to be destroyed by it? Sounds like me looking for a cocktail lounge.

Dead Shack

DEAD SHACK (2017)
“On a weekend getaway at a rundown cabin in the woods, Jason, a cautious teen, his crude best friend Colin and his fearless older sister Summer are forced to work together, grow up and save their hard partying parents from their predatory neighbor intent on feeding them all to her undead family.”

Hard partying parents — I wish for them to adopt me. As for the predatory neighbor, with flesh-eating family members, they should meet my neighbors. You know, the ones with the endlessly yapping dogs and the constant tromping up and down the stairs and the doorbell always going off because some dumb ass lost their keys YET AGAIN. Heck, I’d welcome undead neighbors at this point. Who cares if they chew with their mouths open? At least they’d be quiet.

Planet of the Apes: Tales From The Forbidden Zone

PLANET OF THE APES: TALES FROM THE FORBIDDEN ZONE (Available now)
Planet of the Apes: Tales from the Forbidden Zone is a fully authorized collection of 16 stories based in and around the original Apes universe, filled with the kind of violence, wit and intellect that coursed through those first five films.”

“Authors included in the book are Dan Abnett, Kevin J. Anderson, Jim Beard, Nancy Collins, Greg Cox, Andrew E.C. Gaska, Robert Greenberger, Rich Handley, Greg Keyes, Sam Knight, Paul Kupperberg, Jonathan Maberry, Bob Mayer, John Jackson Miller, Ty Templeton, Will Murray and Dayton Ward. Each tale explores a different drama within the post-apocalyptic world, treating readers to unique visions and non-stop action.”

A book, not a movie. But for us hardcore Planet of the Apes fans, this is a cool addition to the Ape legacy while we wait impatiently for the next movie. Just wish I knew how to read. Wonder if it comes in audio book form with cool sound effects and humans screaming?

Killer Sunshine

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sunshine

God blew out the candles on His birthday cake, the Sun. So in 2057 the space mission Icarus II is heading for the dwindling fireball with a nuclear bomb the size of Manhattan in hopes that it’ll re-ignite the bonfire so that those sun-dependant Earth wads won’t freeze their Old Navy™ pants off.

Sunshine

That was the plan for Icarus I, but it got lost in space in 2050 and wasn’t able to complete the mission. So seven years later Icarus II is almost there, and out of friggin’ nowhere they get a signal from Icarus 1. After much deliberation, they decide to go check it out in the hopes that their payload joined with theirs will increase their chances for success. This is where space dookey hits the space fan.

Sunshine

Both ships are so close to the sun they need to have their shields up so they won’t make like bacon. One catastrophic problem after another plagues the crew, who’ve calculated there’s only enough air for four people to complete the mission. That means the crew of seven (the eighth got barbecued during a space walk) have to make some hardass choices. If I was onboard I’d vote to get rid of everyone except me and the chick-o-nauts.

Sunshine

The ship’s computer has been sabotaged. The air lock is destroyed. They’re running out of air. There’s only one spacesuit – and it rides up too high in the crotch. Things get incredibly intense as the ship nears the sun (or “hot ball”). By now the crew knows they’re expendable, but have to complete the mission – which only has a projected 45% success rate – or the whole world will turn into a human ice cream freezer.

Sunshine

Sunshine (2007) is one of the more realistic sci-fi films this side of Planet of the Apes. The sun surface visuals are just what I imagine it to be in my dreams, as is the insurmountable problems the crew has to keep dealing with. Pillow-biting insane doesn’t begin to describe the lunar drama or atmospheric action. (Note: please don’t bite pillows…unless you’re in prison.)

Sunshine

Chris Evans, who played The Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies, also stars. Ironic, given that he could flame on and save everyone the hassle if he only had his super powers in this flick. But that was the director’s call, not mine.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

In overload marketing prep for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (arriving July, 2014) now comes four teaser posters, each looking quite badass.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

I don’t want to spoil the party, but I think the apes are favored to win this game. How could I possibly know that? Here’s the plot: “A growing nation of genetically evolved apes led by Caesar is threatened by a band of human survivors of the devastating virus unleashed a decade earlier. They reach a fragile peace, but it proves short-lived, as both sides are brought to the brink of a war that will determine who will emerge as Earth’s dominant species.”

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Yep, sounds familiar. This, of course, is the bone structure of 1973’s Battle for the Planet of the Apes. In case you haven’t seen it 27 times like me, or read a truncated review on this here blog back on Christmas Day, 2011, here’s what gets flung against the wall…

After getting served in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972), the humans, with radioactive sores on their units, rally for some payback.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

It’s now the 21st Century, 10 years after the apes dehumanized the world. And what non-radioactive humans are left are kept in corrals out in the woods and made to do minimum-wage stuff for their ape masters. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Head ape Caesar, tired of all the non-getting-alonging, decides it might be time for peaceful coexisting with their hairless pets. Damn hippie. But the easily agitated General Aldo ain’t downtown with that. He’d just as soon turn ’em loose in a cornfield and do a little sport huntin’.

Caesar, Aldo decides, must be stopped, and Ape City (not really a city, more like tree houses with indoor plumbing) must be invaded. Aldo murders Caesar’s son when the little branch-swinger overhears the gorilla’s plan to overthrow the current government. Monkey doo is about to hit every fan left working.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

But as history shows, humans are no match for their ape overlords, and get their sore asses handed to ’em yet again in an old style Western shoot-out. Now it’s time to talk to Aldo about that murdering thing. It’s cool for apes to kill humans, but NOT COOL for ape to kill ape. Let’s just say another rule gets broken on that, the first of many future days.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

While Battle for the Planet of the Apes has some fun moments, the lack of spectacular sets, doomsday bombs and Dr. Zaius makes it the most lackluster of the Apes series. Still, monkeys that talk. That’s pretty neat.