Frightful Voices, Shark Cravings, Shiny Giants

One of the better and hammy fun vampire movies of the ‘80s is Fright Night (1985), wherein a stylish, manscaped vampire moves next door to Charley Brewster, a teen a horror movie fan, who discovers his new neighbor’s penchant for sucking down neck Slurpees™. Charley enlists the help of local TV horror movie host/vampire hunter Peter Vincent (played by Planet of the Apes’ Cornelius), to expose his neighbor’s vampiric activities. The wild stuff that happens from there (sorry, no spoilers) cemented Fright Night’s cult status among horror fans, and was even remade in 2011.

Chris Sarandon, who played Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night’s the lethally smooth vampire, also starred as police detective Mike Norris in 1988’s Child’s Play (he was the guy who shot the criminal guy who, before he could die, voodoo’d himself into a plastic doll and became Chucky), and was the voice of Jack Skellington in 1993’s animated “horror” classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas. His work in horror includes 1977’s The Sentinel, 1991’s The Resurrected, Bordello of Blood in 1996, and a cameo in the 2011 Fright Night remake. (P.S. Fright Night 2: New Blood came out 2013, but he wasn’t in it. Neither was I.) And Sir Sarandon recently returned to the FN universe by voicing A. Jack Ulkrich novel Fright Night: Origins in audiobook format. This is fantastic news for people who don’t know how to read. (Hey, I was wet nursed on TV. Quit judging me.)

Here are the particulars: “You think you know the whole story, don’t you? High school isn’t going well for teenage horror fan Charley Brewster, still dealing with the loss of his father, he finds himself in his first serious relationship with the vibrant and beautiful Amy Peterson. If new love wasn’t complicated enough Charley is also failing Trigonometry. Late one night while cramming for a test Charley spies something suspicious in the yard next door, two men carrying what appears.to be a coffin. What’s going on in the old Victorian House and who are Charley’s new neighbors?”

Fright Night: Origins comes in four Amazon Audible™ options: Kindle™ ($1.99), Audiobook ($0.00), hardcover ($32.99) and paperback ($16.99). Pick your poison here. And while you’re reliving the undead, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by having ’em read to you…

UNDYING / Out now (VOD)

“A tragic car accident puts a woman in a two year coma. She wakes up to find her fiancee is dead and her friends have abandoned her. So she calls on an evil spirit to raise her fiancee from the dead and exact revenge. But revenge always comes with a price.”

Your friends bailed because you were basically a leftover meatloaf for two years. It’s not like they ran out, leaving you to pay the bar tab. And that’s punishable by death by an evil spirit? Geez, some coma patients are so cranky if they don’t get enough — or too much —sleep.

VENUS / Out now (VOD)

“After being caught stealing from her employers, club dancer Lucía seeks shelter with her estranged sister and niece in the Venus, a decrepit apartment complex on the outskirts of Madrid. Soon, Lucía discovers the apartment complex harbors a dark secret threatening to reveal itself after an unexpected solar eclipse.”

I thought all eclipses were solar. They could’ve just said eclipse.

NO SHARK / Out now (Tubi™)

“In this darkly comedic and uniquely angsty journey, twelve vignettes chronicle a young woman’s inner monologue as she visits various NYC beaches in hopes of fulfilling her dream of being eaten by a shark.”

Why is it every gal I meet wants to be eaten by a shark? It’s giving me a complex.

SHIN ULTRAMAN / January 12, 2023 (Fathom™)

“As the threat of giant unidentified lifeforms known as S-Class Species worsens in Japan, a silver giant appears from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.”

As if it needs to be said, the world could use more silver giants wearing shiny tight pants.

Marvel-ous Apes, Blasphemous Kids, Murder Clowns

Planet of the Apes comic books have been around since the science fiction-y “gorilla-my-dreams” rom-com premiered back in 1968, the best of the batch coming from Marvel Comics Group™. Travel through the Hasslein Time Curve to this moment in time: Marvel™ announced they’ve reacquired the comics license to Planet of the Apes and will release the new comics in 2023. And these won’t be rehashes, but all new stories. If that doesn’t put a thrill in your banana hammock, then quite honetly, all is lost.

From Marvel™: “We’re thrilled to welcome Planet of the Apes back to the House of Ideas!” says Editor-in-Chief C.B. Cebulski. “The new saga in the pipeline is going explore the limits of what this beloved franchise has to offer through bold comics storytelling, and we look forward to setting foot on this new adventure!”

While you can’t wait to get your stinking paws on the first issue, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not have humans that can talk in ’em… 

SAVING GRACE / Out now (VOD)

“When Sarah becomes a remote carer to escape her violent city past, she discovers your demons can follow, turning tranquility into a terrifying nightmare.”

Yeah, that’s who I’d want to be my caregiver — someone with a violent past. On second thought…

DON’T DELIVER US FROM EVIL / January 10, 2023 (DVD)

“Two young convent girls become friends and decide to spend the summer together. However, their innocent bicycle rides and walks in the country soon develop a much more sinister side. Influenced by their reading of forbidden books, they decide to explore the world of perversion and cruelty. They find a victim and use their innocent appearance to seduce and destroy him. Once they have stepped over the line, they find it impossible to stop. And soon they are contemplating the ultimate evil act.”

This French horror “la flick” came out in 1971 and was hugely controversial and banned for blasphemy. Sounds like my junior high school rap sheet. Consequently, Don’t Deliver Us From Evil was never released in the States, where that kind of behavior is not only commonplace, but encouraged. To that end, you can now get it fully restored with extras wherever blasphemous DVDs are sold.

THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CHILDREN / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margaret and Ben take a weekend trip with two longtime friends and their two young children. Ben soon suspects something sinister is afoot when the kids start behaving strangely after disappearing into the woods overnight.”

Kids ALWAYS behave strangely. That’s what they do. They just went in the woods to practice.

HOUSE OF CLOWNS / Out now (VOD)

“A traveling haunted house attraction becomes a nightmarish prison of murder for contestants who agree to participate in a contest to be locked inside overnight.”

What do I get if I win? Hope it’s unlimited free admission to come back as many times as I want.

Ape Kings, Vacation Snakes, Social Demons

This is way better than that Christmas thing — Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is in the works for a 2024 release. This makes my banana tingle, what with being a PoA fan since my birth in a dense jungle.

Here’s what is known thus far: “The story takes place after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), and continues to follow Caesar’s legacy.”

Caesar, if you were inexcusably unaware, is the first ape to talk, and subsequently, talk back. He’s the guy who organized a revolt against presumably tick-free humans in 1972’s Conquest for the Planet of the Apes and made household pets out of them. (Shortly thereafter, there was a run on bigger litter boxes.)

The Planet of the Apes universe started with La Planète des singes, a 1963 book by French guy, Pierre Boulle. To this day, no one knows how to pronounce his last name. What followed were nine movies, a cartoon and live action TV series, as well as a planet of comics, books, video games, toys and swag. King Kong was bitch-ass jealous.

While we throw feces around waiting for this movie to get made (in solidarity with zoo monkeys who fling their poo because zoos won’t give ’em a ball to play with), here are a few upcoming horror movies/sci-fi that may or be compared to an extra-large litter box…

DEINFLUENCER / October 1, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“Kelly wakes up to find that she is being held hostage by a masked kidnapper and needs to complete a series of social media challenges to ensure her safety.”

The social media challenges are necessary: Cancel your Facebook™, Instagram™, Twitter™ and Tik-Tok™ accounts, quit taking fish-lip selfies and posting ‘em for other fish-lips to see, and trade your smart phone for a freakin’ life. 

PYTHON ISLAND / October 4, 2022 (DVD)

“In a village where snake-catching is the livelihood of most of the local populace, a magical tree grew. Because of the tree’s benevolence, it saved one small snake from the villagers and named it “Little Flower.”

“Many years later, Xiaoshu has become a biological researcher, exploring the secrets of genes. Unfortunately, his colleagues with ulterior motives use the power of the magical tree to break into a forbidden area by ​​the snake-catching village: the island where intruders are eaten alive. The island is filled with moisture and weirdness, and it seems there are eyes everywhere; staring at every move made by intruders.”

“Filled with moisture and weirdness.” Are they making fun of me? This movie was released in China in 2021 under the title, Behemoth Anaconda. I once saw a porn movie with the same name. Didn’t have any magic trees in it, but it did have quite a stump.

DON’T F–CK IN THE WOODS 2 / October 11, 2022 (Digital)

Follows Don’t F–ck In The Woods (2016). The counsellors at Pine Hills Summer Camp are getting the grounds ready for the upcoming summer season. A mysterious girl shows up, weak and scared from a previous encounter with a vicious creature that killed all her friends. Little do they know that something followed her to the camp and things are about to get slimy and bloody.”

Misleading title. I fell for it the first time. Not this time.

RISE OF THE BEAST / December 6, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A group of activists break into a corporate facility they know unsolicited animal testing has been taking place. They discover unimaginable horrors but don’t realize until they’re captured the true extent of what it is they’ve been experimenting with. In a race against time to survive, they must escape friend, foe, and a mutated ape if they mean to get out alive and expose this to the world.”

You don’t wanna monkey around with a mutated ape. Vegan or not, those things will eat your face off. 

9 Years of Parade-Worthy Horror

Today is the nine-year anniversary of my very first posting on WordPress™. After I upload this, I’m going outside to wait for my parade. There’s sure to be tens, maybe dozens, of people showing up, so I better get there early to get a good viewing spot. Okay, that made no sense at all.

That said, over the years and in line at the grocery hole (Thriftway™ — more expensive than Safeway™, but easier to get to), I’ve been asked a least one million billion questions about myself and this here Drinkin’ & Drive-in blog. Figured it was about time to put it on the glass so everyone who reads this thing (thank you) can finally get some closure.

“How long have you been doing the Drinkin’ & Drive-in blog and how did you get started?”
I was hired by Microsoft (aka, MSNEntertainment.com) back in 1997 to do a PAID daily horror/sci-fi movie blog called Fright Site. That program ended in 2010 (at least their checks didn’t bounce), but I wasn’t done yet. After about three seconds of studied and careful consideration, I started up Drinkin’ & Drive-in on WordPress.com and have been doing it WITHOUT PAY since June 9, 2010. So 25 years total, give or take. (I’m not really a math guy.)

How come you don’t accept paid advertising on your blog?
Because ads suck. I’d rather keep doing the blog for no pay than have it cluttered with banners promoting trendy pants and boxed squeezy mattresses. (Disclaimer: WordPress™ might have small pop-up ads that, like my thirst for beer, I have no control over.)

“How would you describe your blog?
I don’t do horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie reviews as it requires more brains than I currently have operating inside the vending machine that is my head. Rather, I just endlessly watch all kinds of horror and sci-fi and merely relate what I’ve witnessed. As opposed to a food critic, I would rather not analyze the notes and complexities of food and just eat the damn hamburger.

“What are your favorite kinds of horror movies?”
Longtime readers (thank you, David. H and Jon from NC) will know I’m a big fan of giant monster movies, Japanese or otherwise. This is followed by ghosts, werewolf and shark movies. My least favorite types of horror movies are those with slashers/serial killers. There’s more than enough of those types of people in the news everyday. For sheer crazy weirdness, I really dig those Japanese extreme gore movies and pretty much anything regarding UFOs.

“Have you ever seen a UFO?”
Not as yet. But I do believe the people who say they’ve seen one. The truth is out there, I want to believe, etc., etc. I do, however, eat UFOs  almost every day: unidentified frying objects.

“Are there any types of horror movies you won’t watch?”
Though I have seen enough of ‘em to know not to watch that kind of stuff anymore, are horror movies involving torture porn, rape and real or fake violence against real and/or fake animals, though I will make an exception for critters that are zombies. (I’m looking in your direction Zombeavers/2014). Oddly, I don’t feel the same way about violence towards fish. (Ironically, I’m eating a tuna fish sandwich while writing this.)

“You don’t use swear words in your blog — why not?”
Anyone can swear — it’s like the karaoke of language. My “journalism skills” are offensive enough without adding salty/florid language to it. That, and I just sound dumber than usual if I do.

“What are your favorite horror/sci-fi movies?”
Too many to list, but here’s a few classics I never get tired of watching over and over and over: Planet of the Apes (1968); Godzilla (1954); The Legend of Hell House (1973); 30 Days of Night (2007); The Thing (1982); The Wolf-Man (1941); Alien (1979); The Evil Dead (1981); Let The Right One In (2008); An American Werewolf in London (1981), and A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). There’s about two dozen more, but this is a nice representation of my cinematic tastes.

Recent ones (as this time and space) that kicked me in the britches are The Witch (2015), It (2017), It Follows (014), Stranger Things (2016), The Babadook (2014), Godzilla (2014), Shin Godzilla (2017) and Kong: Skull Island (2017), to name a few.

“After all these years, why keep going?”
A curious but relentless compulsion, really. That, and it’s a way to justify all those decades sitting on a couch watching TV. And no, I’m not fat from doing that, nor would I even think about body shaming someone who is. I currently weigh just 6.5 lbs. over my target weight for height and age, despite my insatiable thirst for all things adult beverages, which is generally Budweiser™. And I don’t drink hard alcohol — too many notes. That’s not to say I’d turn down a complimentary sip or three. Ahem.

What critique would you give your blog?
I tend to ramble. I feel as though it should be more “don’t bore us — get to the chorus.” But I don’t wanna leave anything out. Obsession is harsh mistress. Also, I occasionally repeat myself due to the erratic nature of both my brainwaves and horror movie release schedules. That bugs the insects outta me.

“How come your blog or even yourself is not on social media?”
I do this blog for free, so why make more work for myself? As for me not being on social media, besides the fact that trendy medium sucks green donkeys, I don’t think the world needs to hear what I had for breakfast or what cat video I just watched.

“How old are you?”
For an accurate answer, cut my liver in half and count the rings.

“How much longer are you going to keep doing Drinkin’ & Drive-in?”
That’s up to my liver.

Retro Apes, Monk Madness, Virtual Lower Class

Super7.com — maker of retro action figures, shirts and possibly tea-strainers of pop culture personages/things, are offering a series of six retro Planet of the Apes action figures or “toys” for a non-retro price of $15.00 each. So cool, and yet my wallet is pushing back.

Here’s from the press release: “Super7 is beyond stoked to be part of the 50th Anniversary of the original Planet of the Apes film! Now you can travel back to an alternate universe where Apes are waiting at the toy shop after the sci-fi classic blew 1968 minds. Far out, man!”

Far out, man. I heard a hippie say that to me once. I had no idea what he was saying. Maybe it was his response to me telling him he should experience the glory of the washcloth.

So you can get Cornelius, Dr. Zauis, General Ursus, Nova, Taylor and Zira individually or as a set for $90. (No discount for a group purchase). It should be noted that the Taylor action figure isn’t wearing clothes and when you pull the string on the Nova figure, it doesn’t say anything. (Kidding, none of ‘em have strings and most seem to wearing at least a smile.)

Click HERE snag ‘em (the packaging is way cool). And should decide not to buy ‘em. Here are a few now available/upcoming horror and sci-fi films that unfortunately talk when you pull the string…

THE NURSERY (available now)
“When Ranae, a college student babysits for a family with a tragic history, she finds herself stalked by a sinister presence and haunted by ghosts from her own past. Soon, she and her friends must confront the angry, evil spirit hunting them down one-by-one on a deliberate march towards its ultimate prey.”

Geez — what is it with people “haunted by ghosts from their own past”? Who doesn’t have that? heck, I have about a baker’s dozen — or Th13teen Ghosts (heh) — of ‘em just waiting to trip me up every time I’m hired to babysit. Hey, it beats delivering newspapers in the rain. Like the ghosts, that B.S. messes up my hair.

HOUSE OF EVIL (available now)
“Set in the early 70’s, House of Evil tells the story of a young couple, John and Kate, that move into an old mansion in the countryside. Soon they discover that the house is haunted by the Devil himself, who want to possess them and enter the world.”

Even though it was filmed in Italy and released in 2017 where Italian food was born and tastes way better than it does over here in the States, this is an English language flick. Never mind that the plot is so worn out, even the Devil herself only makes cameos; Italian food is tastier than hell.

THE APPEARANCE (2018)
“An officer of the Inquisition and rational man of science, visits a remote monastery to investigate a bizarre murder of a monk. Something evil is afoot. But is the terror man-made or the result of witchcraft?”

Nope, it’s witchcraft. It’s the only thing that makes sense, especially when you have an evil foot.

EMPATHY, INC. (June 24, 2018)
“At the lowest and most desperate moment in his life, hotshot venture capitalist Joel meets old friend Nicolaus and his business partner Lester, who are seeking investors in a new technology known as XVR — Xtreme Virtual Reality — from their company Empathy, Inc., which is said to offer the most realistic and moving experiences for users by placing them in the lives of the less fortunate. Joel gets the startup its funds but soon discovers that the tech’s creators have far more sinister uses in store for their creation and that the reality it provides its customers isn’t virtual.”

This borrows heavily from 1984’s Dreamscape. But if Empathy, Inc. want real virtual experiences for their customers, best to not let them put their pity hat on to step into my shoes. I have an evil afoot.

50 Years of Apes

March 27, 1968 was when the world changed for the better. That’s when talking monkeys ruled the Earth and it became a sort of “planet of the apes. ” (Nowadays, the world is run by a bunch of braying jackasses.)

Planet of the Apes, one of sci-fi’s all time greatest movies, was released on this day 50 years ago. And after spawning a veritable Ape City of movies, remakes, a TV series, cartoons, games, books, toys and bubblegum cards whose included hard and sharp card-shaped gum would cut your gums like you were chewing on a razor, still remains king of the jungle.

The original Planet of the Apes movie, kinda sorta based on La Planète des Singes, a 1963 the short novel  by French quill-slinger Pierre Boulle, was adapted to the big screen by none other than Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling and Bridge Over River Kwai’s (1957) Michael Wilson. Taking the book’s premise that evolved apes were the dominant species over man, they ran with the concept and took it straight to the box office hoop, and came up with arguably the best shock-twist movie endings ever in the history of ever. (If you haven’t seen it, you might wanna do that now, then go put your pants in the washer.)

So what have we learned from Planet of the Apes over the last five decades? First, mankind is still a collective a**hole. And Zira, the female doctor chimp, is kind of a floozy, her romantic tastes crossing species like swinging from a vine. Then you have Dr. Zaius, a hard-right Republican, who tried to suppress and delete the existence of illegal aliens. Cornelius, Zira’s husband and archaeologist, was, and shall always be, a lovable wuss. And let’s not forget General Ursus, a war-maddened gorilla who lives in infamy for his Jiffy Pop™ shaped helmet and stirring war cry, “The only good human is a dead human!” Hardcore, but direct to the point.

So happy birthday, Planet of the Apes. You made this world a better Forbidden Zone.

Apes, Zombies, Ghosts & Teenagers

Been watching a whole slew of UFO documentaries on Amazon Prime™. Sure, there are tons of ‘em on YouTube™, but at least the ones on Amazon are in focus. As for the subject matter, pretty sure UFOs are real — even the blurry ones.

Here’s some upcoming horror movies that’ll leave you blurry…

DON’T HANG UP (February 10, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“While not in school, Brady and his best friend Sam spend their time making prank calls that they upload online to receive millions of views. As their online celebrity begins to rise, the boys escalate their pranks to a dangerous level. One evening, Brady and Sam receive a prank call of their own, igniting a nightmare for the pair of teenagers when the mysterious caller turns their own game against them with deadly consequences.”

I think you have to be a teenager to be into this movie. I’m not a teenager. I am into prank calls, though. But I’m not into this movie. Why? For one thing, there are teenagers in it…

GHOSTS OF DARKNESS (March 7, 2017)
“Locked for three nights in a house with a dark and unsettling past, two paranormal investigators must put their differences to one side and work together. They soon discover the myths and stories are nothing compared to what actually resides within the eerie walls of Richwood Manor.”

Is this not the fate of all paranormal investigators, to finally find what they’re looking for, only to be destroyed by it? Sounds like me looking for a cocktail lounge.

DEAD SHACK (2017)
“On a weekend getaway at a rundown cabin in the woods, Jason, a cautious teen, his crude best friend Colin and his fearless older sister Summer are forced to work together, grow up and save their hard partying parents from their predatory neighbor intent on feeding them all to her undead family.”

Hard partying parents — I wish for them to adopt me. As for the predatory neighbor, with flesh-eating family members, they should meet my neighbors. You know, the ones with the endlessly yapping dogs and the constant tromping up and down the stairs and the doorbell always going off because some dumb ass lost their keys YET AGAIN. Heck, I’d welcome undead neighbors at this point. Who cares if they chew with their mouths open? At least they’d be quiet.

PLANET OF THE APES: TALES FROM THE FORBIDDEN ZONE (Available now)
“Planet of the Apes: Tales from the Forbidden Zone is a fully authorized collection of 16 stories based in and around the original Apes universe, filled with the kind of violence, wit and intellect that coursed through those first five films.”

“Authors included in the book are Dan Abnett, Kevin J. Anderson, Jim Beard, Nancy Collins, Greg Cox, Andrew E.C. Gaska, Robert Greenberger, Rich Handley, Greg Keyes, Sam Knight, Paul Kupperberg, Jonathan Maberry, Bob Mayer, John Jackson Miller, Ty Templeton, Will Murray and Dayton Ward. Each tale explores a different drama within the post-apocalyptic world, treating readers to unique visions and non-stop action.”

A book, not a movie. But for us hardcore Planet of the Apes fans, this is a cool addition to the Ape legacy while we wait impatiently for the next movie. Just wish I knew how to read. Wonder if it comes in audio book form with cool sound effects and humans screaming?

Killer Sunshine

God blew out the candles on His birthday cake, the Sun. So in 2057 the space mission Icarus II is heading for the dwindling fireball with a nuclear bomb the size of Manhattan in hopes that it’ll re-ignite the bonfire so that those sun-dependant Earth wads won’t freeze their Old Navy™ pants off.

That was the plan for Icarus I, but it got lost in space in 2050 and wasn’t able to complete the mission. So seven years later Icarus II is almost there, and out of friggin’ nowhere they get a signal from Icarus 1. After much deliberation, they decide to go check it out in the hopes that their payload joined with theirs will increase their chances for success. This is where space dookey hits the space fan.

Both ships are so close to the sun they need to have their shields up so they won’t make like bacon. One catastrophic problem after another plagues the crew, who’ve calculated there’s only enough air for four people to complete the mission. That means the crew of seven (the eighth got barbecued during a space walk) have to make some hardass choices. If I was onboard I’d vote to get rid of everyone except me and the chick-o-nauts.

The ship’s computer has been sabotaged. The air lock is destroyed. They’re running out of air. There’s only one spacesuit – and it rides up too high in the crotch. Things get incredibly intense as the ship nears the sun (or “hot ball”). By now the crew knows they’re expendable, but have to complete the mission – which only has a projected 45% success rate – or the whole world will turn into a human ice cream freezer.

Sunshine (2007) is one of the more realistic sci-fi films this side of Planet of the Apes. The sun surface visuals are just what I imagine it to be in my dreams, as is the insurmountable problems the crew has to keep dealing with. Pillow-biting insane doesn’t begin to describe the lunar drama or atmospheric action. (Note: please don’t bite pillows…unless you’re in prison.)

Chris Evans, who played The Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies, also stars. Ironic, given that he could flame on and save everyone the hassle if he only had his super powers in this flick. But that was the director’s call, not mine.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

In overload marketing prep for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (arriving July, 2014) now comes four teaser posters, each looking quite badass.

I don’t want to spoil the party, but I think the apes are favored to win this game. How could I possibly know that? Here’s the plot: “A growing nation of genetically evolved apes led by Caesar is threatened by a band of human survivors of the devastating virus unleashed a decade earlier. They reach a fragile peace, but it proves short-lived, as both sides are brought to the brink of a war that will determine who will emerge as Earth’s dominant species.”

Yep, sounds familiar. This, of course, is the bone structure of 1973’s Battle for the Planet of the Apes. In case you haven’t seen it 27 times like me, or read a truncated review on this here blog back on Christmas Day, 2011, here’s what gets flung against the wall…

After getting served in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972), the humans, with radioactive sores on their units, rally for some payback.

It’s now the 21st Century, 10 years after the apes dehumanized the world. And what non-radioactive humans are left are kept in corrals out in the woods and made to do minimum-wage stuff for their ape masters. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Head ape Caesar, tired of all the non-getting-alonging, decides it might be time for peaceful coexisting with their hairless pets. Damn hippie. But the easily agitated General Aldo ain’t downtown with that. He’d just as soon turn ’em loose in a cornfield and do a little sport huntin’.

Caesar, Aldo decides, must be stopped, and Ape City (not really a city, more like tree houses with indoor plumbing) must be invaded. Aldo murders Caesar’s son when the little branch-swinger overhears the gorilla’s plan to overthrow the current government. Monkey doo is about to hit every fan left working.

But as history shows, humans are no match for their ape overlords, and get their sore asses handed to ’em yet again in an old style Western shoot-out. Now it’s time to talk to Aldo about that murdering thing. It’s cool for apes to kill humans, but NOT COOL for ape to kill ape. Let’s just say another rule gets broken on that, the first of many future days.

While Battle for the Planet of the Apes has some fun moments, the lack of spectacular sets, doomsday bombs and Dr. Zaius makes it the most lackluster of the Apes series. Still, monkeys that talk. That’s pretty neat.