Melodic Monsters, Demon Dentures, Inflatable Mummy

Godzilla is into classic rock. King Ghidorah prefers industrial metal. And that f’n lunatic Rodan is punk rock all day long. But Mothra, the Queen of Monsters, is all about classical music, which suits her “maestoso” destructive nature. And now you can air conduct an orchestra along to Mondo’s™ original motion picture score (or “soundtrack”) releases of Rebirth of Mothra 2 (1997) and Rebirth of Mothra 3 (1998). Destroying Japan never sounded so dolce.

Composed by Toshiyuki Watanabe and available any day now (click here) on the Death Waltz Recording Co. label, both come with the options of Mosur Wings vinyl or Eco vinyl (Mothra is known for being eco-friendly, but not to ecosystems), are 140 gram vinyl housed inside a silver laminate reflective gatefold jacket, numbered edition of 2000, and sell for $35 each pre-tax/shipping. 

While you’re getting ready for these symphonies of destruction, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not meet your eco-concerns…

HELL ON THE SHELF / Out now (YouTube™)

“An antique Christmas elf doll holds the key to decades of pent-up evil and anger from beyond the grave. Three paranormal investigators are hired by a desperate real estate agent to cleanse a house or find the reason why no tenant stays very long in the ominous structure. Over the course of three nights, the team discovers more about the supernatural happenings than they care to uncover.”

I’ve actually hired paranormal investigators to cleanse my house. They do a great job of ridding the bathroom of evil odors. 

TOOTH FAIRY 5: PREMOLARS (aka, DRILL TO KILL) / Out now (YouTube™)

“Sammy, a surviving teacher, rejoins her colleagues back at work. After hearing some odd noises around the classrooms Sammy feels she is being watched. When she hears the familiar knocking at the door she realizes her nightmare is not over.”

YET ANOTHER example of a movie title being better than the movie.

THE MUMMY RESURRECTION / December 26, 2022 (VOD)

“When a cursed Egyptian sarcophagus falls into corrupt hands, the new owner becomes obsessed with the perfectly preserved mummified princess contained within and concocts a scheme to bring her back to life. But to do so requires human blood. Joining up with his medical student cousin, the duo undertake horrific experiments that inadvertently unleash pure evil.”

All that effort over a preserved princess when you could just mail-order one. They’re advertised as “adult-sized, life-like love dolls,” though.

THE MACABRE / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Shy girl Molly is having a party. She’s inviting her school bullies and has planned one hell of a night. After a party trick goes horribly wrong, each guest is forced into a macabre game of life and death by an ancient demon who forces them to tell horrifying stories.”

This being one of ‘em.

Witch Whisky, Cash For Killers, Sheriff Wendigo

Cask 88™ is globally known for their pursuit and curation of rare and old whisky, or “fancy fun juice.” Adding to their impressive catalog comes their Scottish Witchcraft Series: Daemonologie™. I can’t spell that, but can certainly drink it.

Here’s their marketing pitch: “Introducing the second release in a new series that is taking whisky collections to another world – one with a darker side. The latest bottle in the Scottish Witchcraft Series goes back in time to offer artistic illustrations based on the book of the Daemonologie written by King James VI. Our modern conceptions of witches owe much to what was written this book, assisted by Shakespeare’s Tragedy of Macbeth, whose depictions of witchcraft are drawn directly from Daemonologie. Don’t miss your chance to own another of the most feared whisky releases of all time, order today.”

A bottle of their witch whisky, which glows in the dark (the bottle and you after drinking it), goes for a shot glass-breaking $108.69 + tax + $38.78 standard shipping. Spooky — watch your money disappear.

So while you’re weighing rent money on this rare bourbon versus $23.99 for Budweiser, 30 pk (12 oz. cans), here are few upcoming horror movies that may or may not take 10 years to ferment…

MISSING / November 4, 2022 (Theaters) / November, 28, 2022 (VOD)

“Depressed and in debt following the death of his wife, Santoshi tells his young daughter Kaeda he’s found a way out. Pointing to a reward note, he vows to find the infamous serial killer ‘No Name’ and cash in, claiming to have seen the man in the flesh a few days earlier. Kaeda cannot take her aloof father seriously.”

A serial killer named “No Name.” There’s marketing for you. So what is a serial killer bounty worth? $1.99 + tax.  

FRIENDSHIP GAME / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“A group of teens come across a strange object that tests their loyalties to each other and has increasingly destructive consequences the deeper into the game they go.”

In my day this was called “Spin the Bottle.” Had different rules, though — instead of donkey smooching the person the bottle pointed to, you had to drink whatever was in the bottle. Yeah, I totally rigged the game.

ASTONISHING TALES OF TERROR: ROCKTAPUSSY/ September 27, 2022 (Canada), 2022/2023 (US)

“Astonishing Tales of Terror follows a group of everyday heroes after they unwittingly awaken an ancient monster. When an intrepid reporter bumps into a down-on-his-luck miner, the duo join a rag-tag bunch of survivors as they attempt to fend off mind-controlled zombies, possessed medieval knights, and a gigantic demonic demigod: The Rocktapus!”

This Rocktapus you speak of — I wish to audition for his band. How many guitar solos do you want me to do — eight? Is it eight?

THE WENDIGO / Pending release, 2022

A malevolent Algonquian spirit resides in the wilderness of Northeastern America. Described as a stag-headed beast with hooves and antlers, the creature possesses hapless souls who break certain taboos. After a social media star disappears in the woods of North Carolina, his friends are set to figure out what happened to him. Ignoring the legend of the cursed land was their first mistake.”

I’ve broken so many taboos, it’d take two or more duly deputized Wendigos to bring me to justice. Warning to Wendigos: I will not go gentle into that good night.

Hanging Out With Ghosts

James hasn’t been home for a while. Twenty years, in fact, studying abroad. (Instead of studying a broad — heh.) Imagine his surprise when he finds out he’s inherited the family’s huge mansion and can live there rent free. Sure, the place is in disrepair and could use a good de-ghosting. But free is always a good thing. Or is it?

James invites his friends over to drink some wine. (What, you too good for beer? Posers.) During the sipping something happens to their guests. The house has that effect on people, seeing how all those years ago the entire family committed suicide by hanging — all at the same time. The family that slays together, stays together.

Over the course of the slowly advancing plot, we discover the multi-millionaire family used ghost children to help make them powerful and rich, and a way to smite their enemies. All this time I thought you just needed to rub a lamp. The care and feeding of the ghosts is another issue altogether, using family members’ um, juices for spiritual potato chips. If you got sick or came down with a case of the brain tumors and polluted the food chain, then into the attic you went — for years.

The bottom line is James’ friends are being hanged by invisible rope. (It’s amazing how technology has advanced.) His girlfriend finds out the secret of the tainted house and why it seems more haunted than usual.

The Heirloom (aka, Zhai bian/2005) is murderously tedious, not particularly creepy, and bogged down with too much talk (sub-titles), and not nearly enough cursed spirits. This is surprising given that there are so many ghosts out of work, a fair number of whom would intern for free if given the chance.