Ghost Vacuum Cleaner, Satan Recruit, Haunted Breadsticks

Ghostbusters fans have been making their own version of the Proton Pack machine, a sort of vacuum cleaner that sucks up ghosts for recycling, for decades. The enduring popularity of the Proton Pack even got its popularity boosted through the roof when those lawbreaking kids on Stranger Things were shown their own homemade versions to go with their Ghostbusters Halloween costumes. For those of us without engineering skills can now rejoice — Spirit Halloween™ is selling life-size Proton Packs for a not unreasonable $249.99. (They warn that this item is considered oversized and will require an additional shipping fee. Shipping promos are valid, but oversize charge will still apply. This means they’ll find a way to jack the price to wallet busting levels.)

The Ghostbusters Proton Pack comes with embroidered patches and replicas of the oversized black rubber gloves that look suspiciously like the ones my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, busts my ghosts with. Other non-invasive details: The life-size replica measures 26” high, 15” wide, and 10” deep. The Proton Pack features lights and sounds, three activation modes (power up, power down, and shoot), detachable particle thrower, and adjustable straps. Wear it during weddings, birthdays and non-denominational holidays, but don’t wear it into a bank, or you’ll end up a ghost yourself.

So while we jump on over to Spirit Halloween™ to order one (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not feel like being violated by an oversized rubber glove…

SATAN WANTS YOU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Satan Wants You tells the untold story of how the Satanic Panic of the 1980s was ignited by Michelle Remembers, a lurid memoir by psychiatrist Larry Pazder and his patient Michelle Smith. Supported by the Catholic™ church, the best-selling book relied on recovered-memory therapy to uncover Michelle’s childhood abduction by baby-stealing satanists. Amplified by law enforcement and America’s daytime TV boom, satanic rumors spread through panic-stricken communities across the world, leaving a wave of destruction and wrongful convictions in their wake. This film digs deep into the roots of moral panics and cult conspiracies, showing how these events still affect and distort our reality today.”

Satan doesn’t want me. Satan hates me, I just know it.

A HAUNTING IN VENICE / September 15, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Now retired and living in self-imposed exile in the world’s most glamorous city, celebrated sleuth, Hercule Poirot reluctantly attends a séance at a decaying, haunted palazzo. When one of the guests is murdered, the detective is thrust into a sinister world of shadows and secrets.”

I thought a palazzo was an entree at Osteria Francescana™. Wonder if it comes with endless bread sticks like they do at Olive Garden™.

SAW X / October 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A prequel that focuses on Tobin Bell’s character as Jigsaw.”

Thought they already did that, so this is all so…puzzling. Heh.

TWISTED METAL / Release pending 2023 (Peacock™)

“A motor-mouthed outsider is offered a chance at a better life, but only if he can successfully deliver a mysterious package across a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

The comedy sci-fi series is based on a 1995 video game of the same name. I never played video games as I was too busy playing happily in my own post-apocalyptic wasteland: dive bars.

Musical Ghosts, Horrible Harlequins, Toxic Trains

Ever see a poltergeist blowing a bassoon or honking on a tuba? Now you can as Schirmer Theatrical is screening Ghostbusters, the 1984 mega-hit /pop culture-altering movie, along with a live orchestra doing the scarily intricate soundtrack. 

Ghostbusters in Concert will be touring throughout the month of October, rolling into backwater towns like Chicago, Nashville, Reno, Columbus, Fresno, and more. (Really wish they’d play the Tug Tavern as I could easily hitchhike there — only two blocks from my place.)

From Schirmer Theatrical: “Experience Ivan Reitman’s two-time Oscar and two-time Golden Globe-nominated film, screened live as an orchestra performs Elmer Bernstein’s Grammy-nominated score and Ray Parker Jr.’s Billboard Hot 100 chart-topping theme song, “Ghostbusters.”

The ear worm “Ghostbusters” title song is synonymous with the billion-dollar Ghostbusters franchise and was written by Ray Parker Jr. It landed at Number One on the Billboard Hot 100 on August 11, 1984. Don’t know how many copies it sold, but an educated guessing puts it close to 2.5 billion million.

On a tabloid side note, the song was at the center of a lawsuit, wherein Huey Lewis sued Ray Parker Jr. for plagiarism, alleging he had copied the melody (primarily the bass-line) from Lewis’ 1983 song “I Want a New Drug”. Wikipedia™: “The case was settled out of court in 1985 for an undisclosed sum and a confidentiality agreement that prohibited discussing the case. Parker later sued Lewis for breaching the confidentiality agreement in a 2001 episode of VH1’s Behind the Music, by reasserting Parker, Jr. stole the song. Regarding his case against Lewis, Parker said, “I got a lot of money out of that.” Snap!

So while you rush to bust some tickets and/or confidentiality agreements (CLICK THIS), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a Huey Lewis soundtrack… 

TERRIFIER 2 / October 6, 2022

“After mutilating sole survivor Victoria Heyes and committing suicide upon police confrontation, Art the Clown is resurrected by a sinister being a year later and begins a hunt two unsuspecting siblings in the Miles County area on Halloween night.”

A killer clown commits suicide. Wouldn’t that be “circuscision”? Heh. The first Terrifier movie came out in 2016. Quite a wait for a sequel no one wanted. Okay, that was just plain mean. Sorry — didn’t get much sleep last night; Kept dreaming about cliched clown slashers.

SLASH/BACK / October 21, 2022 (Limited theaters, Digital HD, VOD/Shudder™)

“In a sleepy hamlet nestled in the majestic mountains of Baffin Island in the Arctic Ocean, a village wakes up to a typical summer day…and 24-hour sunlight. But for Maika and her friends, the usual summer is suddenly not in the cards when they discover an alien invasion threatening their hometown.”

Aliens really need to learn Earth’s geography. A more accessible invading choice would be the Tug Tavern hamlet, nestled among majestic sticker bushes in the sleepy village of West Seattle. 

WHITE NOISE / November 25, 2022 (Limited) / December 30, 2022 (Netflix)

Jack Gladney, college professor, husband and father to four children/stepchildren, is torn asunder by an airborne toxic event, a cataclysmic train accident that casts chemical waste over his town.”

You don’t need a train accident to get an airborne toxic event. Stand behind someone who just ate The Pig Bomber Burrito™.

THE OUTWATERS / TBD 2023 (Limited)(Screambox)

“Four travelers encounter menacing phenomena while camping in a remote stretch of the Mojave Desert.”

Why — and more importantly how — does one camp in a remote part of the “no 7-Eleven™/nothing-but-dirt” Mojave Desert? More to the point, where do you do your dirty business? Among the desert’s previously pristine sand dunes? There’s your real menacing phenomena.

Edible Monsters, Rubberized Evil, Reanimated Relatives

Did you watch Ghostbusters (1984) and ever want to take a bite out of Slimer, that hot dog-guzzling poltergeist that looks like a big green, lumpy marshmallow with a mouth? Of course you did. And now you can with Jell-O™ Monster Slime, edible, um, goop (or something that rhymes with it), that pays loose homage to that iconic sticky ghost.

Available for pre-order on Amazon.com (14.8 ounces), this 100% digestible lime gunk will sell for $10 (give or take) and will be available at select stores (probably in the bathroom plumbing department of The Home Depot™) on December 10, 2018. Watch how fast I don’t go there.

In case Monster Slime™ isn’t your taste (heh), they also have Unicorn Slime™, which is pink and strawberry-flavored. There’s a joke in there somewhere. While I try and come up with a non-offensive punchline, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not gum up your internal plumbing…

ELIZABETH HARVEST (December 4, 2018)
“Newlywed Elizabeth arrives with her brilliant scientist husband Henry to his magnificent estate, where he wows her with lavish dinners and a dazzling tour of the property. The house staff Claire and Oliver treat her deferentially but she can’t shake the feeling something is off. Henry explains that everything in his world now belongs to her, all is for her to play in — all except for a locked-off room he forbids her from entering. When he goes away for business, Elizabeth decides to investigate.”

This plot echoed around the gas chamber that is the inside of my head, so I decided to investigate (click madly the mouse): Turns out, Elizabeth Harvest is a science fiction re-imagining of the French folktale of Bluebeard (1697), in which a violent nobleman in the habit of murdering his wives is confronted by a new wife trying to avoid the fate of her predecessors. Sounds like an extreme case of buyer’s remorse.

REPLICAS (January 11, 2019)
“A scientist becomes obsessed with bringing back his family members who died in a traffic accident.”

Keanu Reeves — on a hot roll following the John Wick movies (extremely cool badass) — looks to be playing a modern day Victor Frankenstein here. I wish him well with all his science-y skills to achieve the desired results. Ironically, though, all he really needs is a shovel and some sort of…pet sematary.

CHILD’S PLAY (June 21, 2019)
“A mother gives her son a toy doll for his birthday, unaware of its more sinister nature.”

This plot also sounds suspiciously familiar. Could’a sworn I saw something very similar back in…1988. Something about a doll possessed by evil or a facsimile thereof.

BONEJANGLES 2: BRIDE OF BOJANGLES (2019)
Picking up after the events of Bonejangles, supernatural serial killer, Edgar Friendly Junior, a.k.a. Mr. Bonejangles, is inadvertently resurrected by a mysterious and sinister cult of followers of the succubus witch, Rowena. Mr. Bonejangles wastes no time picking up where he left off and sets his sights on hapless police officer Doug Partridge, the one who got away from him. But Rowena’s followers have plans of their own on Bonejangles…plans that may spell doom for the very world itself.”

Didn’t see the first Bonejangles movie (2017), so I have no idea what the heckaroo they’re talking about. And as for the plans that spell doom for the world, a lot of movies make the same claim. My question: When are any of you gonna make good with that promise? Getting tired of waiting around.

A Ghost You Can’t Bust

In the oddly titled The Asphyx (1973), Sir Hugo Cunningham, a turn-of-the-Century science dude, stumbles across a curious phenomenon. Having invented a motion picture camera, he films a hanging execution of a criminal. (Fun to run in reverse.) During the playback notices a small, fart-like, black smudge zooming into the condemned man right before the trap doors put an end to his wrong-filled life. (Fart-like is such a handy phrase.)

Later, Hugo and his family go row boating on the lake without life preservers. That no one knew how to swim is none of your business. While filming the accidental drowning of his son and his wife, he later plays back the footage and notices that same dark smudge fly across the frame and go into his son as he was about to swallow lake. He deduces this to be the Asphyx (pronounced, “ass fix”), a death spirit.

This gives Hugo a bright idea – to see if he can capture his own death spirit by tricking it into thinking he’s about to die. Hugo manages to succeed in a grim sequence that will make your pants bunch up around your puckered lower orifice. It’ll also cause a fart-like stain and/or noise down there.

More experiments with remaining family members, which ends in a few “oops” moments. Anguished at the oops of his entire family, Hugo tries to take his own life – but it’s not working. With his Asphyx successfully stuck in a bottle, Hugo can’t die. Harshness abounds.

The Asphyx, which looks like a glow-in-the-dark version of Slimer from Ghostbusters (1984), is a cheesy special effect. Still, he sure is a cute little fellow. I wonder if you can get your picture taken with him without croaking?