Sin Sauna

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , on January 27, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sauna

The year is 1595 and Sweden and Russia have decided to stop fighting. About darn tootin’ time — this battle has been going on for 25 years, and it’s left Finland little more than a semi-populated mud puddle.

Sauna

Two brothers — one whose been doing the war thing for the entire time, and another who was in school trying to become a teacher — are part of a border recognition treaty detail (complete with rule-breaking Russians), assigned to make maps of the land to be designated to both countries, so each side will know which Starbuck’s™ belongs to whom.

Sauna

Seemed easy enough. But the older brother is prone to mood swings, stabs someone 73 times (I counted) in the chest to teach him a valuable lesson about war. This number is significant as he’s killed 73 people during the war. I’d have rounded up.

Sauna

The younger brother is appalled by the emotionless/remorseless war-time behavior, but goes along just the same. They end up in a dark sauna in the middle of the swamp they’ve been mapping. To enter means you have to face up to all your sins, which could be a problem given all the atrocities the older brother has committed in the fine name of war. Once inside he’s tended to by a dark figure who grabs the guy’s face and black stuff starts pouring out as he screams. I’d scream, too, no matter which hole was leaking black stuff.

Sauna

I didn’t know how to interpret this. Was it a metaphor? Where’d his face go? Did it freeze and fall off in the snow? And is that black stuff really Finland beer? If so, where can I get some? A parable of sorts, Sauna (2008) qualifies as art, so I guess I better refer to it as a “film.” Just wish I knew what the hell it was about.

Hell Juice, Drug-Addict Ghosts, Visually-Impaired Zombies

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellboy Tiki Mug

Need something to put your cocktail in that doesn’t make you look like members-only country club snob? Try the new Hellboy Geeki Tikis Mug, available at FYE in mid-March, 2019. And at a non-hellish $19.99, you can afford to class up your glass.

Hellboy

The mug is ceramic, 7.5” tall, and holds an impressive 25 ounces of hell juice. And because it’s important, the mug is dishwasher and microwaveable sage. Whew!

Hellboy

The new Hellboy remake opens on April 12, 2019. The new ad art looks cool. The Hellboy Geeki Tikis Mug looks cool. Drinking from the mug while at the movie would be cool. So while we wait for both to get here, fill your glass with these now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be dishwasher/country club safe…

Dry Blood

DRY BLOOD (available now)
“In a rural mountain town, an unstable drug addict must unravel a surreal murder mystery as he’s terrorized by malevolent ghosts, a deranged sheriff, and the frightening hallucinations from his withdrawal.”

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Spirits in the Dark

SPIRITS IN THE DARK (2019)
“A lonely widower finds a mysterious video on his computer that leads him to an abandoned town occupied by an ominous entity.”

If you’re a lonely widower, an abandoned town is not a good place to meet new and exciting entities. Might I suggest 7-Eleven™ right around 2AM.

Deadsight

DEADSIGHT (2019)
“A partially blind man and a pregnant policewoman who are thrown together in a fight for survival during a deadly virus outbreak.”

Deadly virus outbreak = zombies. Not partially blind or pregnant zombies, either. These zombies are 100% healthy with healthy appetites. Bon appétit.

Echoes of Fear

ECHOES OF FEAR (2019)
“After inheriting her grandfather’s house, Alysa must confront the mystery of his sudden death and the evil that hides inside.”

Man, these types of horror movie press releases have become as cookie-cutter as the movies themselves. Wonder if the evil this time is salmonella-tainted jars of preserves in the fruit cellar? That also might explain grandpa’s sudden death. Kick out those jams, Mother Smucker.

Coffin Movies, Human Supper Club, Death Boat

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Coffin Movies

Not sure what I think about this: “The Goteborg Film Festival in Sweden, beginning on January 27, 2019, will be offering up 33 “sarcophagus screenings” of Aniara, a Swedish-language apocalyptic sci-fi film.” Yeesh, what’s next — sneak previews in a gas chamber?

According to The Hollywood Reporter, eight volunteers at a time will be shut into specially made caskets outfitted with screens, speakers and air vents. Inside the coffin will be a “panic” button for anyone who gets too freaked out. 

Aniara

I’d break my finger pushing that button. Points for creativity, though. As for Aniara (2018), here’s this about that: “A spaceship carrying settlers to Mars is knocked off course, causing the consumption-obsessed passengers to consider their place in the universe.” I can feel their pain — my life would be nothing if it weren’t for drunk bidding on eBay™.

Before you go hopping into any movie sarcophagus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not have you reaching for the panic button. And remember, it’s not the coffin they take you off in, it’s the coffin that takes you often…

Folklore

FOLKLORE (February 1, 2019/ HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand)
Folklore is HBO’s newest foray into the horror anthology genre. The series, which contains six hour-long episodes, will take place in six Asian countries including Indonesia, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Singapore, and Thailand. Each of the six episodes is based on that respective country’s folklore and mythology, which includes various supernatural beings and strange occult practices. Each episode will be helmed by a different director, with each episode filmed in the local language of that particular country.”

This one was already aired on HBO Asia on October 7, 2018. (I didn’t know Asia changed its name.) As cool as the anthology series sounds, doesn’t do me much good if each episode is filmed in its native language. Geez, I can barely speak whatever language I’m currently burping out now.

Beneath The Leaves

BENEATH THE LEAVES (February 8, 2019/limited theater/VOD)
“Among countless others, four small-town boys are kidnapped by James Whitley, a deranged, warm-eyed psychopath. His grotesque pursuit to reunite orphaned children with their deceased birth parents is gridlocked when the boys escape and he is arrested. Twenty years later, Whitley flees during a prison fire and decides to see his mission through. Detective Larson, one of Whitley’s prior victims — and now a cop — is removed from the case due to impartiality leaving his partner and lover, Detective Shotwell to solve the case. Fueled by rage and a chance of redemption, Detective Larson chases the steadfast psychopath on his own, only to fall back into the same trap he once escaped as a child.”

Fueled by rage. Kinda my mantra. Hope career criminal James Whitely doesn’t try to kidnap me — I’ve got a full tank.

The Cannibal Club

THE CANNIBAL CLUB (March 1, 2019/limited theater/ March 5, 2019/VOD)
Otavio and Gilda are a very wealthy couple of the Brazilian elite who have the habit of eating their employees. Otavio owns a private security company and is a notable member of The Cannibal Club. When Gilda accidentally discovers a secret from Borges, a powerful congressman and the club’s leader, her and her husband’s lives are in grave danger.”

Eating your employees — doesn’t sound too tasty, but it does cut down on having to hand out raises and buying groceries.

Harpoon

HARPOON (2019)
“With his perfect family and perfect upbringing, Richard appears to have it all. So when he thinks that his long-term girlfriend, Sasha and best-friend, Jonah, are having an affair, it sends him into a fit of rage that leaves Jonah a bloody mess. Once Jonah and Sasha convince Richard the allegations are false, Richard tries to buy back their trust by taking them out for a day-trip on his family’s yacht. Tension boils over once out to sea, and, to make matters worse, the yacht’s engine fails. Stranded without food and supplies, the trio must set aside their differences in order to survive.”

Can’t remember the title, but there was a Japanese horror movie with the same plot. It didn’t end well for them, either. I think they were all eaten by a giant octopus with nine arms. I could be slight wrong about that.

Native American Superheroes, Foreign Earthquakes, Monster Puppets

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jeffrey Veregge

Came across the fantastic, minimalist sci-fi/fantasy art of artist, Jeffrey Veregge, and his pretty dang funny intro to his bio: “My origins are not supernatural, nor have they been enhanced by radioactive spiders. I am simply a Native American artist and writer whose creative mantra in best summed up with a word from my tribe’s own language as: “tačaxétəŋ”, which means, “get into trouble.” (Note to Mr. Veregge — I probably screwed up your tribe’s language on that one — please don’t kill me in half.)

Jeffrey Veregge

Jeffrey Veregge is a member of the Port Gamble S’Klallam Tribe and his Native American artistic stylings cast guys like Batman, Superman and Spider-man into refreshing new interpretations. And hey, put a .com after his name and go see all the other incredible art he does.

Jeffrey Veregge

Before we all go back to the art store to return unused art supplies because we’re not even in the ballpark of Jeffrey’s artistic talent (there’s always a bathroom that needs cleaning), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not insult Native Americans

A Breath Away

A BREATH AWAY (February 1, 2019)
“Parents are desperately trying to save their daughter from a deadly toxic mist that has engulfed Paris after an earthquake. Only those lucky enough to escape to the rooftops of the city were able to survive; their daughter, who suffers from a genetic condition requiring her to live in a hermetic box that filters the air, is trapped below.”

If ever there was a situation that could be referred to as “f’d in the b-hole,” this is it. As for the toxic mist engulfing Paris after an earthquake, I bet it was all the Parisians simultaneously fright-farting their britches off during said natural disaster. What follows next is aftershocks and butt-croissants.

Velvet Buzzsaw

VELVET BUZZSAW (February 1, 2019/Netflix™)
“After a series of paintings by an unknown artist are discovered, a supernatural force enacts revenge on those who have allowed their greed to get in the way of art.”

Velvet Buzzsaw is also a sex term used by dirty-minded people. I don’t know why I know that.

Kaiju Confidental

KAIJU CONFIDENTIAL (2019)
Grigon’s not the toughest beast on the block, but he’s certainly the most neurotic. When he discovers the legendary Mega-Hydra rampaging on his turf, it becomes a stand-off of passive-aggressive proportions.”

This looks like a puppet show. And we all know what is shoved up the ass-end of a puppet.

Photogenic Ghost

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shutter (The Original)

Driving home with his girlfriend after drinking with some buddies and thinking he’s gonna get some action because he’s all liquored up and in the mood for some lovin’, Tun (that’s really his name) runs over a young gal crossing the road. He thought it was a speed bump and kept going.

Shutter (The Original)

Over the next few days, Tun — a photographer — is snapping pics of a high school graduation. He notices white streaks on some of the photos and in one shot, sees the face of the gal he ran over and left to die in the mean streets of Bangkok. Later, examining the pictures closely, he looks at the girl’s face…AND IT TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIM! How can a photograph do that? Is that even legal?

Shutter (The Original)

Then more eerie stuff starts to happen to him and his girlfriend, enough to send her on a mission to find out who they turned into roadkill. As it just so happens, the dead gal was a former girlfriend of Tun’s. And his camera? A gift given to him by the previously-living girl as a present of some sort. But something else is happening — all Tun’s drinking buddies are practicing high dives off tall buildings. (Problem is, you can only practice the dive once.)

Shutter (The Original)It’s here he spills the beans about meeting the girl back in his school days, dating her and then moving in together and more than likely touching each other’s private parts. The gal was frightfully shy and mercilessly teased by Tun’s classmates…the same ones that are now thinking they can fly.

Shutter (The Original)

He eventually broke up with her and she attempted suicide by cutting her wrist with a knife intended for kitchen use only. But where things really get ugly is when Tun’s current girlfriend finds a bunch of pictures of his ex-girlfriend getting gang sexed by his drunk friends, pictures HE took. Time for the dead girl to turn up the juice on the Haunt-o-Meter™. 

Shutter (The Original)

Since hitting the girl with the car, Tun’s neck has been aching — and now it’s hurting even more. But he can’t think about his neck right now as the dead girl is walking on the ceiling…UPSIDE DOWN! He crawls out onto the fire escape in the pouring rain (complete with wind and lightning), only to have his dead ex crawl after him…UPSIDE DOWN! This makes Tun let go and he hits the ground like a wet wonton.

Shutter (The Original)

Cracked skull, broken arm, probably a fair amount of poop in his pants, when Tun gets out of the hospital he starts taking pictures around his apartment. But it’s only when Tun takes a picture of himself in the mirror that we find out why his neck hurts so much. While the truth didn’t goon us out, it was pretty neat all the same.

Shutter (The Original)

Shutter (The Original) (2004) has several false endings, like when you eat budget Thai food and think you need to make some bathroom tofu, but don’t/can’t. The best stuff, though, happens in the last 15 minutes. Like when making bathroom tofu.

The Greatest Thing

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Thing

In the sci-fi classic The Thing (1982), a bunch of scientific guys and other bearded associates live in total man-land in a remote Antarctic sub-station. It’s here they conduct experiments on snow and what happens when warm yellow liquid is introduced to the frozen crystals.

The Thing

A Norwegian science team nearby flies overhead in their helicopter and shoots at a fleeing dog. They miss, copter goes boom, snow melts. Investigating, our guys fly over to their ice pad and see the place has been trashed as if the aftermath of an Aqauvit™ hot tub party.

The Thing

They take back video tapes, which may hold clues as to why they weren’t invited to the shindig. The footage — kinda like the Blair Snowbitch Project — reveals the Norwegians found a freakin’ huge UFO buried under the snow and partially excavated it. They also find a frozen body of some sort and haul it back to their science hut to study. But the darn thing is still alive — and it’s in that dog, too.

The Thing

From this point on the invader assimilates itself into a “host,” becoming that person and starts spreading its disease. One science face figures it out and smashes all the radios and helicopters. The others don’t like him for doing that. But he had to — the rate of infection is exponential — and calculated the bad news should the entity make it back to the States.

The ThingWhen the alien does its body swap it has to cook for a while. The in-between stages look like zombie Jell-O™ recipes gone bad: slippery guts, goopy brains, rapidly wiggling tentacles from here to there…

The Thing

The part where everyone is tied up by the ultra cool Snake Plisskin (uh, I mean, Kurt Russell — same dif) and their blood tested to see who’s what they are and aren’t, is one of horror/sci-fi’s all-time best sequences.

The Thing

When a head extricates itself from its host body and sprouts spider legs and shoots tentacles out of its mouth, you’ll be melting a lot of snow. With no way to escape, the team is systematically f’d.

The Thing

The intensity and special effects of this remake (Howard Hawk’s 1951, The Thing From Another World) raised the bar so high, it took years for other movies of this ilk to even start being cool again. And this was in 1982! So in conclusion, if you watch this movie and don’t 100 percent agree with me, you’re WRONG.

Toying With Godzilla, A Nice Exorcist, Spider-Man On Vacation

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Wanna get toys based on Godzilla: King of the Monsters about the same time the movie comes out on May 31, 2019? Thanks to NECA and Jakks Pacific (and available at Toy Ark), you can and should.

Godzilla

Toys or “Fun Talismans,” include Godzilla (duh) and his frenemies, King Ghidorah, Rodan and Mothra. On their press release, though, they said Fire Godzilla will also be included. Did they just send out a spoiler?

Godzilla

Most of the monsters will be 12 inches tall, with one Godzilla version twice that size, whatever that measures out to be. There will also be smaller versions and even a Godzilla mask in case you wanna goon out the neighbors.

Godzilla

While we make room in the toy box, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not goon out the neighbors…

Animas

ANIMAS (January 25, 2019/Netflix™)
Alex is a confident girl with a strong personality and great tenacity. She’s very close to her best friend Abraham, to whom she provides constant help and support, as Abraham is a shy, withdrawn and insecure boy, mainly due to the complex relationship between he and his parents. But everything changes when Daniel — Abraham’s father — dies in a strange accident, the cause of which is unclear. From this moment on, Alex finds herself on a hallucinatory journey that takes her on a descent into hell, where the line between reality and nightmare becomes blurred to the point that Alex begins to question the foundations of her very existence.”

Descent into hell? Hallucinatory journey? The line between reality and nightmare becomes blurred? Sounds like Alex has been hanging out in the same bars as me.

The Good Exorcist

THE GOOD EXORCIST (February 21, 2019/El Rey/VOD)
“A socially awkward but reliable exorcist attempts to remove a difficult demon from a ranch owned by an eccentric family in Texas. However, the demon proves to be more difficult than the priest assumed it would be.”

Since this is on a ranch, I totally bet the demon is cow. Hey, it’s got horns and shoots some sort of evil fluid from each of its four unholy dangle-y squirt gun type things under its swim suit area. Evil is pronounced “moo” in its hellish language.

Spider-Man: Far From Home

SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME (July 5, 2019)
“Our friendly neighborhood superhero decides to join his best friends Ned, MJ, and the rest of the gang on a European vacation. However, Peter’s plan to leave super heroics behind for a few weeks are quickly scrapped when he begrudgingly agrees to help Nick Fury uncover the mystery of several elemental creature attacks, creating havoc across the continent.”

Just like the last movie (Spider-Man: Homecoming/2017, in case you forgot), the trailer for the new one is so ridiculously cool, you almost don’t need to see the movie. But you’ll just have to. And Spider-Man going up against Mysterio? I just webbed my pants.

The Change Over

THE CHANGE OVER (2019)
“Sixteen year-old Laura Chant lives with her mother and four-year-old brother Jacko in a low-rent suburb on the edge of earthquake-scarred Christchurch, New Zealand. Laura is drawn into a supernatural battle with an ancient spirit who attacks Jacko and slowly drains the life out of him as the spirit becomes ever younger. Laura discovers her true identity and the supernatural ability within her, and must harness it to save her brother’s life.”

There’s a place called, Christchurch? Sounds like a good place for a Holy war to me. That the place is actually real and is plagued by earthquakes makes me wanna move there and get a front row pew.