More Megalodons, AI Sci-Fi, Cutlery Kids

As mystically foretold on my May 9, 2023 blogging, here are three more/new ad sheets for Meg 2: The Trench, these coming from the incredibly prolific Xin Yi Lian, whose done countless movie art, including Time Raiders, Journey to the West: Reincarnation of the Demon King, and the 2021 Chinese 3D animated fantasy action film, Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng. I don’t know what that means.

The new art — like the movie’s trailer — promises more giant and super mean creatures from the bottom of the ocean, including a kaiju-esque Kraken (Seattle hockey franchise AND big squid) and THREE megs. Releasing on August 4, 2023, Meg 2: The Trench looks to chew up and sh*t out the summer box office competition.

So while we wait for even more Meg 2 movie posters (there were 26 for the first movie), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as easily pronounceable as Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng…

TRANSMUTATORS / Out now (VOD)

“Set in a time when mutants and behemoth alien warriors have come to a rule, a rebel group of survivors must embrace mega fighting machines to take on intergalactic invaders threatening humanity. 

This Filipino science fiction action film, or “movie”, was originally called Resiklo, which translates to Recycle. Given the photocopied plot plot, that sounds about right…

THE CREATOR / September 29, 2023 (Theaters)

“Amid a future war between the human race and the forces of Artificial Intelligence, Joshua, a hardened ex-special forces agent grieving the disappearance of his wife, is recruited to hunt down and kill the Creator, the elusive architect of advanced AI who has developed a mysterious weapon with the power to end the war — and mankind itself.”

The Terminator is listed as one of the screenwriters.

HORRORSCOPE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of college friends who, after getting their horoscopes read, begin dying in ways connected to their fortunes. Are their fates fatal or can they change what’s written in the stars?”

So college friends begin dying and it’s asked if their fates are fatal? Who wrote this — a college student? 

TIME OF MOULTING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a small town in 1970s West Germany, Stephanie is raised by two parents who have no business having children. The mother, never far from despair-induced collapse, suffers from an unspecified medical condition — one both mental and physical. The father makes it clear that he has no patience for his daughter Young Stephanie takes solace in exploring the mysteries hidden away in the increasingly untidy house, particularly the trunk full of her grandfather’s butcher’s equipment; older Stephanie takes far more sinister comfort in the tools found therein.”

Say what you will about kids playing with butcher tools — at least it keeps ’em away from drugs.

House of Bats, Weaponized Demons, Burlesque Vampires

The Flash has S.T.A.R. Labs. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. Aquaman has an adult-sized clam shell with a seaweed lawn. But none of them can match the majesty of the caped crusader’s condo, the Batcave. Batman’s famous headquarters is where he has anti-crime computers, TVs, probably a fridge and even a private “bat room” when he needs to pinch some guano. And now you can own a Lego™ replica of the Batcave for a crime-busting $399.99. Called the Batcave™ – Shadow Box, this monolithic set comes with a Batmobile™ and even Alfred the Butler™.

From Lego’s™ website: “Adult enthusiasts can recreate the iconic Batcave™ from 1992’s Batman Returns movie with the LEGO® DC Batman™ Batcave – Shadow Box. This 3,981-piece tableau incorporates movable items, mini figures and a feature-rich Batmobile™ to produce a detailed and dynamic display piece that will captivate all who see it.” 

“Measuring over 20” wide, this Batcave tableau contains an assortment of authentic details, including movable items that can be controlled from the rear. Users can turn the chair, change the computer screen and open and close the tool store and illuminated Batsuit™ vault. For extra realism, a Batmobile with a variety of hands-on features is included along with 7 mini figures: Max Shreck, The Penguin™, Catwoman™, 2 versions of Batman, Alfred Pennyworth™ and Bruce Wayne™. For added convenience, a digital version of the set’s building instructions can be found on the LEGO Builder app.” Note to law-abiding citizens living in Gotham or not, the Batcave™ – Shadow Box officially goes on sale June 8, 2023. However, if you sign up to be a Lego™ VIP member, you can get early sale access on June 5, 2023. 

So while we all rush over to Lego.com and sign up (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a plastic butler…

GHOST / July 9, 2023 (POV Horror™, Wicked Horror TV™)

“A deadly religious cult begins weaponizing demonic entities — and it’s up to a band of church-funded mercenaries to take them down before they unleash Hell on Earth. When word of a Fallen Angel reaches the team, the stakes are raised and the fate of humanity rests on the shoulders of one man: Ghost.”

Deadly religious cults don’t practice safe sect.

BLOODY BRIDGET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Haitian voodoo deity transforms a burlesque dancer into a “Valentine vampire.” Blood only whets her appetite – she must eat her victims’ beating hearts!”

The problem with burlesque vampires is you still have to tip ’em.

THE DEVIL COMES AT NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Ben, a washed-up boxer searching for his inheritance, must fight for his life when he is trapped in his deceased father’s farmhouse by a cannibal cult. With the help of Amy, the local librarian, he discovers the cult’s leader, Mason, has been hunting down his family for generations. And now his sights are set on Ben. Together, Ben and Amy come up with a plan to defeat the cult once and for all.

Cannibals form cults because they’re fed up with people. Heh.

THE BOOGEYMAN: THE ORIGIN OF THE MYTH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers discover that the terrifying legend of The Boogeyman is real after the mysterious disappearances of several children in a small town.”

This one’s also known as El Hombre Del Saco. Wish I could have a cool name like Del Saco.

Kaiju Clothes, AI Vampires, Death To Earth

Got a spare $8,350.00 laying around and are need of some new church clothes? The MCS: Animatronic Attraction Maker in China has you covered. Makers of kaiju-sized animated dinosaurs (presumably to scare the fèihuà out of neighboring enemies), they now set their sights on creating a Godzilla suit that comes complete with G-sounds, spraying smoke and (my fav), nuclear pulse effect. To throw more bonus on the fire, MCS is shipping this 61lb. costume — for free.

Spiked head to clawed toe, the costume measures out at 7.87 feet tall, big enough to cram three frat boys into. The suit is made of silicone rubber, with a stainless steel frame, and colorized with high density foam-oil paint. From their product description: “We wanted to get a real nuclear pulse in the Godzilla suit-making process, so we added the LED light flashing effect to show Godzilla’s various emotions. The mouth can spray smoke and emit a light beam. For Godzilla fans, this is a real giant radioactive monster. It is time for you to wear this king of all costumed Kaiju at Godzilla cosplay events.”

So while we all go to the bank and fill out a loan application and put our car/house up for collateral and buy this suit immediately (only three left as of this e-barfing — click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you spray smoke…

IMMORTAL OBSESSION: A HISTORY OF VAMPIRES / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Written, illustrated, and performed entirely by AI, Immortal Obsession: A History of Vampires explores the classic monster’s captivating history, from their origins in ancient folklore to their enduring role in modern pop culture. Innovative filmmaker Brian Cunningham utilized ChatGPT to write a compelling script, a video generator to create a lifelike host, an art generator to provide striking illustrations, and a music engine to compose a dynamic score. Cunningham’s human touch was used to refine the script and edit together all of the AI-produced assets.”

AI-generated or not, vampires are not immortal. I have a Bible™ brand crucifix, a rib-eye stake and a six-pack of holy water (Budweiser™) to challenge any vampire’s deathlessness.

SECRET SPACE UFOS FASTWALKERS / Out now (VOD)

“An exhilarating adventure into the mysterious world of NASA-related UFO encounters in space. Starting in the late 1970s and continuing until now, expert researchers will reveal a history of anomalies recorded by military and space research missions. Beginning with Skylab 3’s UFO incident, expanding into the STS/ISS Mission Era, director Darcy Weir and the rest of the team uncover a deep recent history of UFO sightings in space. In the present day they uncover all of the developments in Congress regarding UAP research and disclosure to the public during 2023. A new interview conducted with a long lost space anomalies researcher Martyn Stubbs is included in this documentary.”

NASA is sitting on tons of UFO footage, but all the good stuff remains unseen by the “I want to believe” public. I bet all of it is stored in recyclable plastic grocery bags in the Pentagon’s hall closet.

SCAVENGER / Out now (VOD)

“Set in the wastelands of a future dystopia, Scavenger charts the transgressive journey of a female organ dealer as she seeks revenge on the remorseless crime cartel that murdered her family.”

I’d like to be an organ donor. If I ever get around to kicking the bucket, I hereby bequeath my Wurlitzer to anyone who can lift that f’n thing.

DOOMSDAY METEOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A meteor bigger than the moon, and unseen by Earth until now, has less than a week until planetary impact. Scientists try to stop the giant mass with rockets armed with high-powered lasers. When that fails they land on the asteroid, mounting it with rockets in an attempt to push its orbit away from Earth. But as the team continues to run into problems they never imagined, the future of mankind becomes more and more bleak.”

For a similar but more hi-brow apocalyptic “rogue planet smashes into Earth” movie, watch Meloncholia (2011). You will actually cheer on the destruction of this stinkhole planet.

Lucky Harms, Drunk UFOs, Farming Evil

There are two takeaways from the 1993 left-field cult classic, Leprechaun. It was made for one million lucky charms and grossed $8.6 million luckier charms. Secondly, it was Jennifer Aniston’s (Friends) first appearance in a movie. It also spawned seven sequels, one of which put the gold-seeking runt in outer space (Leprechaun 4/1997). Now you can get all the behind-the-scenes gold of Leprechaun with the just released book, The Making of the Movie Leprechaun — I Need Me Gold! by filmmaker B. Harrison Smith. 

From the press release: “Published in hardcover and paperback by BearManor Media™, the 306-page book chronicles the making of the 1993 cult classic, doubling as a how-to guide for independent filmmakers. It has been endorsed by Leprechaun writer-director Mark Jones and features a foreword by actor Ken Olandt. Follow director-writer Mark Jones’ journey from his early days in TV animation through The A-Team, The Fall Guy, Hunter, and so many more. This is a story of how a unique group of people came together to make an indie film under grueling pressure in a day before streaming and DVD. Want to make movies? Read this book to the rainbow at the end.”

While we click this to buy the $38.00 book, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature a greedy gnome and/or Jennifer Anniston…

ALIENS UNCOVERED: ORIGINS / Out now (VOD)

“Before Area 51, hidden deep in the desert, the military discovered a hidden gem that helped them cover up the UFO wave of 1947. Roswell was not the only event that took place. Arizona was home to three major UFO events that the public hardly knows about. These events helped create Project Bluebook.”

Been following UFO events since I learned how to spell “UFO.” (About the 4th grade.) I’ve often been asked if I’ve ever seen a UFO, to which I reply, “Depends on how much I’ve been drinking.” Stock answer, but I stand by it. 

THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOLE MINE / May 18, 2023 (VOD)

“Inside a long-abandoned gold mine, lurks the Shakani, a dark supernatural being conjured by the Shanowah tribe ages ago to defeat their enemies. Not only ferocious and fast, but can appear as anyone and get inside your mind. Luke’s ancestors trapped it in the mine but each has also gone crazy. Now Luke’s niece has come down with ‘the family curse.’ But Luke believes with the proper medical treatment she can be healed if only he can get the money to pay for it. So with a couple friends he tries his luck at the gold mine but gradually realizes he must defeat the Shakani and end the family curse.”

I looked up Shanowah to find out why they have a gold mine and won’t share it with anyone. Here is my search result: “A Shanowah is a girl who generally comes from the bush and loves horses. Most Shanowah have blonde hair and can’t spell very good.” Turns out I know a lot of Shanowah.

FIRST CONTACT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Casey and Dan, two estranged adult siblings, travel to their late scientist father’s farmhouse to make sense of his incomplete work. They soon learn that their father’s work was far more dangerous than they could ever imagine — an evil entity, buried in time and space for millions of years, has been released and has begun wreaking havoc on the locals. One by one the bodies start to pile up. Now, Dan and Casey must figure out the secrets of this extra-dimensional monster before it’s too late.”

An evil entity millions of years old. That’s a lot of extra-dimensional birthday cake candles.

BEARS ON A SHIP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After their flight gets canceled, a group of travelers take an offer on a ship voyage to their destination, unknowing that there are other passengers aboard — specifically, hungry murderous bears.”

The last time someone put bears on a boat, it didn’t end well. Just ask who in Noah’s family were left after the waters receded.

Spider Burger, Heavy Metal Vampires, Rabbit Revenge

Burger King™, MacDonald’s™ golden arch nemesis, is upping the fast food game with the premier of the Spider-Verse™ Whopper, complete with a red bun and whatever they can stuff in-between ’em. And it’s upgradeable with a Spider-Verse™ Sundae, which is ice cream topped with black and red chocolate candies. That’s cool, I suppose, but they missed the marketing hoop by not offering web-like cotton candy. 

The Spider-Verse™ Whopper is available for digestion purposes from May 15 to June 21, 2023, which is ahead of the premiere of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. But there’s more from BK’s™ press release: “Spider-Verse will also taking over select restaurants in New York City, France, United Arab Emirates, Brazil and other locations. The locations will have interactive designs that place guests and fans inside the action-packed Spider-Verse.” They had me at other locations.

So while we scope out a BK™ eatery to park our peter (heh), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be topped with black and red chocolate candies to make up for bland plot flavors…

SAINT DROGO / Out now (VOD)

A gay couple, whose relationship has grown a bit strained, take an impromptu trip to Provincetown, Cape Cod in the off-season. Caleb, one half of the couple, has been plagued by nightmares of his ex, who had been working in Provincetown for the summer. When they arrive to town, it appears Caleb’s ex has gone missing. As disturbing hallucinations continue to haunt Caleb, he becomes more determined in finding him. But the closer he gets, the sooner he nears the sinister secret the town is hiding.”

The sinister secret the town is hiding is that the Wellfleet oysters at Mac’s Fish House Provincetown are served without silverware. This means if you get raw oyster juice on your fingers and then rub your eye, your eye will swell up to the size of a hard boiled egg. Just pray it doesn’t explode and get pupil particles over your Old Navy™ Classic Fit Linen-Blend Polo shirt.

DEATH RIDER IN THE HOUSE OF VAMPIRES / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“The mysterious Death Rider – clad all in black – travels through the desert on horseback. His destination — Vampire Sanctuary. The entrance fee — one female virgin. Once inside he encounters Count Holliday, Vampire Lord of Sanctuary, who warns him against any transgressions. Blood and guns action follow as Death Rider tangles with some of the vampires of Sanctuary like the smoldering Carmilla Joe with her sidekick Mina Belle and vampire gunslingers Drac Cassidy, Bad Bathory, Kid Vlad and Duke VonWayne.”

This one, by Danzig/Samhain/Misfits horror frontman, Glenn Danzig, was release to select theaters (i.e., the neighbor’s living room) in 2021. Now it’s showing its teeth at the Cannes Film Festival. Speaking of teeth, no word on whether or not the 68-year-old rock “star”/senior citizen will be wearing dentures to the premier.

MAYA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A teenage girl can’t remember her childhood. With the help of her adopted sister, Kalika, Maya seeks to recover her lost memories, unaware of the horrors that this journey will bring. Both leads do an admirable job of portraying the fear around losing — or watching someone — lose their grip on reality.”

This one’s being described as A Tale of Two Sisters and The Changeling. Guess which one of those I watched?

THUMPER’S REVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Screams echo in the meadow and blood will spill when hunters take aim at Bambi from the hill. They can run and they can plead, but Thumper is about to make them bleed.”

That bottom of the barrel I keep talking about? Apparently there isn’t one.

Paranormal Polygon, Tree Monsters, God Gun

According to theologians, the Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean where more than 50 ships and 20 airplanes are said to have mysteriously disappeared. Reasons range from Stargates to Aliens, giant sea monsters to religion gone wild. But now, according to Australian scientist Karl Kruszelnicki, we can all now stop making waves: The loss and disappearance of ships and planes is a mere fact of probabilities. And we should believe an Australian scientist. After all, they invented kangaroos.

In a myth-crushing article recently published on PopularMechanics.com, Kruszelnicki says, “the sheer volume of traffic — in a tricky area to navigate, no less — shows the number of ships and planes that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle is the same as anywhere in the world on a percentage basis.” He says that both Lloyd’s of London™ — the world’s leading insurance market — and the U.S. Coast Guard support that idea. (Note of interest: Lloyd’s of London™ has had this same theory since the 1970s.)

Fairly unremarkable given how many movies/documentaries were made about the paranormal polygon. Should you be predisposed to swim down this path, here are a few recommendations: Death Ship (1980), Triangle (2009), Bermuda Triangle Revealed: The Devil’s Graveyard (2014), and Drain The Bermuda Triangle (2014). 

While you’re deciding if you give a screaming theory or not about “science” and “facts”, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have kangaroos in ’em…

OUTPOST / May 19, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a violent attack, a woman searches for strength in the solitude of a lookout job the mountains of Northern Idaho, but is overwhelmed by something darker.”

Having a job as a lookout would be awesome. For one thing, you could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt if bears crap in the woods. Until now, it’s only been a topic of speculation.

POLLEN / June 6, 2023 (VOD)

“After a senior coworker assaults a bright-eyed young woman, her dream job becomes a living nightmare as she tries to keep her career together while being tormented at work, at home, and in her dreams by a mysterious tree monster.”

Tree monsters are the worst. Why can’t they more like the tree creatures (aka, Ents) in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)? It’d be fun to hang out with one of those guys. And if a Frisbee™ got stuck in its branches, he’d get it down for you. That is beyond cool. 

GOD IS A BULLET / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“Detective Bob Hightower finds his ex-wife murdered and his daughter kidnapped by an insidious cult. Bob takes matters into his own hands and infiltrates the secretive cult to try to save his daughter. With the help of the cult’s only female victim escapee, Case Hardin, Bob and Case go down the rabbit hole with The Ferryman to save his daughter and find closure for Case from the cult – and its maniacal leader — that took so much away from her.”

If God is the bullet, then is religion the gun?

DON’T GET IN THE CAR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the dead of night in Los Angeles, a woman is forced to complete errands in a 1960s Lincoln Continental if she wants to survive the night and save the ones she loves.”

Remember when you were a kid and your mom always said to not get into a car driven by strangers? I have two words for that: Uber™ and Lyft™.

Teeth With Bite, Doctor Vampire, Sharp-Dressed Werewolf

One of the more unsettling features of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in the 2017 billion dollar hit horror movie IT —besides his remarkably groomed Sideshow Bob hair style, is his pre-eat-your-face-off teeth. Looking like he hasn’t sat in a dentist chair in decades, the wood-chipper choppers look like he could out bite a shark. And now you can have the same bladder-loosening bridgework with the It Pennywise Fang Teeth — for only $24.99. (Check to see if your dental insurance will cover it.)

Available on the OrientalTrading.com website, the monster molars are described like this: “Amazing IT Pennywise Fang Teeth come with upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Includes: upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Each set of teeth are meticulously painted to show all the horrible monstrous detail seen on the screen. Applying the teeth is easy, thanks to our Friendly Plastic Pellets that come with each set of teeth. Simply heat up the Friendly Plastic in hot water, position the Friendly Plastic into the teeth and fit them over your own teeth, making a custom fit. One size fits most adults.” There are so many disturbing things about that product description, I don’t know where to begin. Regardless, you can buy it here.

So while we buy a set and go around saying “cheese!” to everyone on the bus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have any teeth. P.S. be true to your teeth — or they will be false to you…

MOTION DETECTED / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Eva narrowly escaped being murdered during a recent terrifying home invasion in Mexico City. She and her husband decide to relocate to Los Angeles where she can recuperate. But when her husband has to travel for business, she’s left alone in an unfamiliar place and suffering from paranoia. She’s consoled by the smart home security system, but the technology is difficult to master and she starts to wonder if it will actually keep her safe or take over her life.”

Smart Home tech is gonna be the death of us all. My Roomba™ keeps sucking up my car keys — on purpose. He hates me, I just know it.

FANGS OUT / May 23 (VOD)

“A group of college students head to Mexico for some cheap plastic surgery. There they meet Doctor Pavor, a creepy surgeon who is actually a vampire, harvesting victims for his blood cartel. Aided by his bloodthirsty nurses he systematically carries out his evil plan. When a detective looking for his missing daughter arrives, all hell breaks loose in a bloody combustible conclusion.”

College idiots trying to score cheap plastic surgery? The vampires are the least of their problems.

BONE COLD / June 13, 2023 (VOD, Blu-ray)

“After bad intel from headquarters results in a tragic civilian death, an elite sniper duo attempts to flee the area but can’t seem to shake a mysterious, inhuman creature stalking them from the shadows.

Judging from the art, it looks like these snipers are out in the snow, which means the inhuman creature stalking them is a trendy hipster wearing an L.L. Bean Norseland Insulated Parka™ (on sale for under $200).

SCREAM OF THE WOLF / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Making a vampire movie in an old, abandoned house should have been easy, but with the full moon, the nightmare begins. The body count rises as the cast and crew encounter the mansion’s resident werewolf and by daylight only the lucky will survive.”

Scream of the Wolf is also the name of the 1974 made-for-TV “movie”, wherein the werewolf, in human form, wears a green corduroy jacket with a pleated white turtle neck sweater. Stylish in any decade. P.S. This was originally titled, Wolf Manor, which I previewed in November of 2022. At least I think I did — I can’t remember last year…or what I drank for breakfast, for that matter.

Shark Treats, Island Vampires, Stupid Zombies

Three new official character posters for Meg 2: The Trench. (The one I posted on November 16, 2022 was a fan-made piece of crap.) Quick update in case you didn’t see The Meg back in 2018 — a megalodon shark, about the size of Florida, swims up from the bottom of the ocean for some screaming taste treats. Now, in Meg 2: The Trench, more megalodons and added hungry sea monsters come to the surface for — you guessed it — more screaming taste treats.

The opening scene in the trailer for Meg 2: The Trench shows a dinosaur being attacked and graphically consumed by a shore-breaching megalodon. From there it gets even more believable. There were 26 movie posters for The Meg, so these three are just the tip of the tooth. Meg 2: The Trench opens wide in theaters on August 4, 2023.

While we go get in line for the movie now (you want good seats, don’t you?), here are few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not go down as easily as screaming taste treats…

RESURRECTED / Out now (VOD)

“The Catholic Church learns how to resurrect people. The whole process is kept secret and follows strict rules: only sinless believers under the age of 65 can be resurrected. The film is set on the computer of Stanley, an on-line church priest who helps those who were brought back to life. He is divorced and his son lives with his ex-wife, so he can chat with him only on-line. Stanley’s son was the first person to be resurrected after he died in a car accident that Stanley caused. Soon Stanley learns that there is a huge conspiracy behind the resurrection process.”

Just like the Catholic Church™ to impose a pile of strict rules in order to be brought back from the dead. I bet that Jesus guy got a free pass.

PULAU / Out now (VOD)

“The vacation of a group of youngsters turns into an endless horrifying nightmare after a losing bet forces them to spend a night on a deserted island. As they stumble upon a mysterious abandoned village, they accidentally break an old spell that was placed to restrain an antagonizing spirit trapped in the island. One by one, they are made to suffer the gripping and gruesome consequences of their mistakes, infuriating an evil creature that needs human blood to stay alive. The only way out is in the hands of a girl who desperately needs to use her supernatural gift to untangle an unsettling history connected to a tainted cross-cultural love story.”

Sounds like they happened upon one of those possible island vampires. They’re allergic to papaya, command a legion of monkey butlers and have to wear so much sunblock, they look like members of KISS.

TULAH 6/13 / Out now (VOD)

“Five teenagers who decided to go on vacation on June 13 before getting preoccupied with their final college assignments. But their beautiful vacation plans turned tense after the car they were driving was involved in a single accident. Gilang, who woke up alone in the car, tried to find his other four friends, but at the same time he received a barrage of terror that terrified him. These terrors made him remember his childhood trauma when he celebrated his birthday which falls on June 13th.”

The last time I received a barrage of terror that terrified me was walking into the Tug Tavern during speed dating night.

UNDEADUCATED / Out now (VOD)

“So, what might happen if you were stuck late at school when the zombie apocalypse happens? What’s going on? Is this all part of some twisted experiment the professor is conducting on the kids? Did the crazy cook do it? Will they see tomorrow?”

They just found a way to make zombie movies even worse.

Can’t We All Just Get A Kong? Leprechaun Heck, Vampire Strippers

In biblical terms, King Kong is more popular than Zeus. And while Zeus may be the Olympian god of the sky and thunder, his marketable appeal is confined to Greek mythology and a couple of movies, whereas King Kong is a global deity, worshiped in every country on the planet, even the stinky ones. Need proof? Just look at all visual interpretations of Kong from various continents…particularly the stinky ones.

Prague. Japan. Yugoslavia (see “stink countries”). Turkey. Spain. There is no place on Earth where Kong is not king. And images of our simian savior can fetch prices from as little as $15 in fun coupons/Benjamins/cabbage/smack smacks, all the way up to $1,000 pocket pals/doubloons/gwop/sawbucks for lovingly restored vintage prints.

So while we all go look under couch cushions and long abandoned fanny packs for loose cheddar/clams/lucre/quid to buy bootleg prints of King Kong on Etsy™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost a lot of pesos/moolah/Lincolns/frog skins to rent…

JOVI & LOU / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™), May 2023 (Tubi™)

An irreverent and sometimes offensive dark comedy in a world where Jovi (God) and Lou (Satan) negotiate the fate of all humanity, one game piece at a time. After his wife Mary sinks into a coma after a car wreck, Joey strikes a bargain with the sinister Lou to save her. His quest for her salvation leads him behind the scenes to the realm of the immortals, where humans are merely pawns in Jovi and Lou’s games.

God’s first name is Jovi and Satan’s first name is Lou? Given their career choices, you’d think they could come up with something more appealing, like Self-Righteous Shelly and Malevolent Mark.

SEVEN ANGELS / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven Angels, a famous girl band from Indonesia, consisting of Stella, Carla, Dian, Anggun, Amy, Tari and Mika go on vacation to Melbourne, Australia where they socialize with a local singer named Mark. Mark takes the girls of Seven Angels to Aradale Lunatic Asylum, a former haunted asylum with a dark and horrific history.”

You’re a dude with seven chicks and you take ’em to a haunted asylum? Were you born in a monastery?

THE WATCHERS / JUNE 24, 2024 (THEATERS)

“Mina, a 28-year old artist gets stranded in an expansive, untouched forest in western Ireland. When Mina finds shelter, she unknowingly becomes trapped alongside three strangers that are watched and stalked by mysterious creatures each night.”

Leprechauns. And no amount of Lucky Charms™ will save you from them.

SAMMY SLICK: VAMPIRE SLAYER Relese pending crowdfunding, 2023 (VOD)

“In the dark and seedy streets of Ybor City, FL, Vampire Investigator Sammy Slick vows to rid the city of its blood sucking inhabitants once and for all. After a dancer from Foxy’s Strip Club comes to him with her suspicions that the club’s new owner is luring men in as potential prey, Sammy and his trusty sidekick Ash set out to prove her right and bring down the vampiress. Along the way they are met with obstacles, vampiric adversaries, and vampire strippers.”

Vampire strippers. Just don’t tip ‘em with bulbs of garlic. That’ll get you thrown out of the club.

May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.