A Family of Teeth and Fur

Posted in Classic Horror, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood

In the painfully low-budget Blood (1973), a highly impatient Dr. Lawrence and Regina Orlovsky, a pseudo aristocratic couple, travel by some sort of boat from 1899 Europe to 1899 America in order for Lawrence to continue his doctor-esque research. Assisting is Carrie and Orlando, a married couple. Orlando doesn’t have legs (“accident”) and Carrie, whose right leg is infected by something…icky. She doesn’t have long to do the two-step. Also on board is the cadaverous and mute Carlotta, whose being used as food for Regina.

Blood

Turns out Lawrence is the son of Lawrence Talbot, the Wolf Man. And Regina is the daughter of Count Dracula. And they’re in America to check on his inheritance (which is running out), and to cultivate carnivorous plants that produce a serum that Larry injects into Regina every time she starts to melt from being out in the sunlight. Doesn’t help that Regina is constantly melting, whining and complaining, and is pretty much a spoiled vampire.

Blood

Going by the name of Lawrence Orlovsky, he shows up his attorney’s office, demanding a look-see at the books. Turns out the “lawyer” has been embezzling from the inheritance and funneling the cash into shell companies that go bankrupt, but pay off directly to his own pocket. Warning: do NOT try and steal from a guy who could bite your face off and crap it out on the neighbor’s lawn.

Blood

The very cute and single Prudence Towers works as the lawyer’s assistant and spills the books to Lawrence during a graveyard visit to pay respects to his wolfy dad. (And no, the headstone was not shaped like a fire hydrant.) Even though he’s married, he uses his animal charms to lock lips with Prudence amongst the romantic graveyard. Their clinch is busted by Petra, an old non-hygienic woman with rotted teeth, who is the cemetery attendant. She knows Larry’s dad’s secret. And she knows his secret as well, using it to blackmail money and/or jewels from the Orlovskys, which she’ll hopefully use to buy toothpaste.

Blood

The man-eating plants are growing out of control. Carrie’s leg needs to be chopped off. Regina cuts off the hand of Petra, who showed up demanding extortion funds. Prudence is sucked dry after a jealous Regina finds out about the mortuary make-out session in the dead zone. Lawrence can’t take the pressure and wolfs up, demanding they all abandon ship and head back to Europe, setting fire to everything to cover their tracks. This does not work for Regina and she gets her fang on to do battle with her leg-lifting husband with flame-y flames heating things up.

Blood

An odd yet oddly intriguing movie, Blood feels like a thrown-together mess, but the ending is one of those moments of genius that only makes sense once you sit through the entire thing. P.S. Don’t go near the cannibal plants — just ask Orlando and Carrie’s legs.

Colorful Horror, Submarine-Sized Sharks, Language Virus

Posted in Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beauty of Horror: Ultimate Nightmare

If you read this blog on November 10, 2017 (if not, what’s your plausible excuse?), I tagged artist/Life of Agony bassist Alan RobertsThe Beauty of Horror coloring books. Now, just a scant weeks later, comes news of The Beauty of Horror: Ultimate Nightmare Deluxe Coloring Set, arriving arrives in stores September 2018 from IDW Publishing. Time to break out the sidewalk chalk (or your preferred art medium).

The insanely cool set is sized at 12” x12”, same as a vinyl record album, only you supply the grooves. The set is said to include fan favorites from The Beauty of Horror Volume One, Volume Two: Ghouliana’s Creepatorium, Volume Three: Haunted Playgrounds, and showcases three, paper-spanking new Alan Robert exclusives. Think of it as a “greatest hits plus.”

The cost? Does it matter? All you need to know is that you need to own this. Crayons not included. And while we impatiently wait for September (I’m actually impatiently waiting for National Hot Dog Month in July), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not fill your world with colorful, pant-staining scares…

THE MEG (August 10, 2018)
“A deep-sea submersible — part of an international undersea observation program — has been attacked by a massive creature, previously thought to be extinct, and now lies disabled at the bottom of the deepest trench in the Pacific…with its crew trapped inside. With time running out, expert deep sea rescue diver Jonas Taylor is recruited to save the crew — and the ocean itself — from this unstoppable threat: a prehistoric 75-foot-long shark known as the Megalodon, bringing him face to face once more with the greatest and largest predator of all time.”

The Meg

Meg, as you might know, is short for Megalodon, the largest shark ever to have strained dinosaurs through it’s mega mouth like krill through a blue whale’s surfer-hole. If you haven’t seen the trailers for this, be prepared to pollute the aquarium. This shark is supersized and makes the shark (“Bruce”) in Jaws (1975) look like a carnival goldfish. Another supersized bonus: this one is coming out in 3D, which is one better — and more expensive — than 2D. I care not — the already over-priced movie theatre can have a bigger bite out of my paycheck for this one. (Wonder if they’ll take a post-dated check?)

Dead By Midnight

DEAD BY MIDNIGHT (2018)
“It’s Halloween at WKIZ when the malicious Mistress of Midnight arrives to host her annual horror movie marathon ‘Dead By Midnight’. When the WKIZ staff begins disappearing only to turn up in the increasingly darker films, it’s up to line producer Candice Spelling to stop the Mistress before her final and most diabolical film goes to air.”

Cool premise. Wonder is the Mistress of Midnight is single? If she’s as delicious as she is malicious, I should like to apply for the job as her evil smooch buddy. And hey, if she casts me in one of her dark films, I’d be flattered. Won’t do it for free, though; living or not, the rent’s gotta be paid

Pontypool Changes

PONTYPOOL CHANGES (2018/2019)
“The sequel to Pontypool (2008), in which a virus is transferred from one person to another by way of words in the English language.”

Not even sure this is gonna be a take-to-market movie. For starters, really craptacular movie key art. Looks fan-made. Secondly, the first Pontypool, while intriguing the way a can of soup with the label missing is, had a dumb premise. So if a virus is passed via English language, learn French.

Party Hard, Die Young

PARTY HARD, DIE YOUNG (2018/2019)
“Finally, graduation! No more high school! In order to celebrate Julia, her classmates and thousands of fellow graduates are on their way to an island resort in Croatia. It’s supposed to be the party of their lives. The harmless fun, however, soon turns dead serious. When a friend is killed in a tragic accident, the party people’s euphoria is crushed. Moreover, Julia’s best friend Jessica has been missing and she is the only one who believes in a connection between the two incidents. Unfortunately soon after, her suspicion is confirmed when Jessica’s lifeless body is washed up on the shore. Now the trip is about sheer survival, as Julia realizes that she’s probably the next victim. Could it all be connected to a long-buried incident from the clique’s past?”

Yes. Yes, it is all connected to a cliched long-buried incident from the clique’s past. Move along — nothing to see here.

Sea Ya Sharks, Mansion Ghosts, Farm To Market Cannibals

Posted in Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado

On July 25, 2018 we’ll be saying goodbye to the gooftacular Sharknado universe with the latest, as-yet-untitled Sharknado sequel. (They should call it Will The Last Sharknado Leaving The Ocean, Please Turn Off The Faucet? A bit wordy, but nail on the head.) Note to selves: I tagged this one on February 22, 2018. Then I washed and combed my hair for two hours.

Sharknado

The left-field hit series that started as a waterspout that pulls sharks out of the ocean and dumps them all over Los Angeles, started in 2013 with Sharknado, and successfully regurgitated the formulaic plots with endless celebrity cameos with Sharknado: The Second One (2014), Sharknado: Oh Hell No! (2015), Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016) and Sharknado: Global Swarming (2017). Even before the new/final one, this is like the movie version of Hokey Pokey.

A really big shark

While we cross our fingers that this will indeed be the last Sharknado, were are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a watery grave…

Cartel 2045

CARTEL 2045 (May 1, 2018)
“The year is 2045, the continuing drug war has caused havoc between The United States and Mexico. Gear Side International, a robotics engineering company on the brink of bankruptcy, sells off their technology to the Cartel on the black market. With the advanced military robotics technology in the wrong hands the cartel uses it to their advantage; replacing their enforcers, hit men, and soldiers.”

Who needs robots when you have Machete himself to take care of future business? (Note to reader: It’s really Danny Trejo, who played the iconic badass Machete in previous kick ass films, though I’m not seeing much of a difference). I live in Seattle, but I have friends in Los Angeles who regularly eat at his restaurant: Trejos Tacos. Wonder if they chop up the taco fillings with a…machete? That’s be SO cool.

Wraith

WRAITH (May 8, 2018)
“After living in an old mansion for almost 10 years a family suddenly discovers a ghost-like presence trying to communicate with them.”

I would like to live in an old mansion that has a ghost-like presence. But does the squatting specter chip in on the cable bill, scrub toilets every other month and chase other ghosts out of the cellar, you know household chores everyone has to do? Might have to bring that up during the next family poltergeist pow-wow.

Beast

BEAST (May 11, 2018)
“A troubled young woman in a small island community falls for a mysterious outsider who empowers her to escape from her oppressive family. When he comes under suspicion for a series of brutal murders she defends him at all costs and learns what she is capable of.”

This one’s being described as a “warped adult fairy tale.” Works for me, though it seems like a really bad idea to a.) commit brutal murders, and b.) do it on a small community island. Unless you’re Aquaman’s cousin’s brother’s nephew and could swim away from the cops, you’re pretty much dry-docked in the zip code.

The Farm

THE FARM (2018/2019)
“A young couple gets kidnapped and treated like farm animals after stopping at a roadside diner to eat meat.”

I don’t hang out in barns (anymore), so I’m not sure how farm animals are being treated these days. If I remember the Old MacDonald literary works correctly, cows and chickens and beavers get three hots and a cot. Doesn’t sound that bad to me.

Seafood Slaughter

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Island Claws

Thank movie goodness the nearby nuclear power plant leaked 46,000 gallons of radioactive water into the sea. If it weren’t for that, we never would’ve had a plausible explanation for that house-sized sea crab going all King Kong on an unnamed island that has citizens, a nuclear power plant, dirt toads, a bar (state capital), drunk fishermen (see “bar”), and a biological lab experimenting on crabs to get them to grow bigger to help solve the world’s food shortage. (But what if you’re allergic to seafood? Best to fall back on fish-shaped candy bars.)

Island Claws

While things are going along swimmingly at the Crab Lab, hundreds of shelled pinchers are walking sideways out of the sea and into the surrounding jungle. Most are the size of Red Lobster’sCrispy Lobster and Waffles platter. (Only 1080 calories, in case you’re wondering.)

Island Claws

The crabs make daring day-time attack overtures, one on a bicycling, pretty young reporter researching a human interest story on the lab and their work. She ends up in the arms of the sun-bleached lab assistant, who wears shorts to work, but long pants to the seaside. Stylish, and yet oddly unpretentious.

Island Claws

The town bar’s banjo/piano player, who lives in a modified school bus, gets a bad case of the crabs, and, while using his banjo to beat on the hundreds of ‘em crawling into his humble abode, ends up setting his place on fire. An unseen giant something (probably a radioactive clam) turns over the bus. Burnt, pinched and smooshed. I hear there’s a job opening at The Half Shell drinketeria.

Island Claws

While this is going on, a boatload of Haitian refugees make shore and head for the woods — yet another place you can catch crabs. More crustacean attacks on people and property. Thinking it’s the Haitians committing that crimes, the whole town gets their angry-villager on to hunt and shoot them with bullet-powered guns.

Island Claws

The climax of the cheesy Island Claws (1980) takes place when the giant crab — roaring like a reverse sea lion — smashes houses (but thankfully only the window of the bar) and starts nut-crackering people in half. Moody, the bar’s owner, and the short shorts wearing lab dude crawl on top of the beast, and make stabbing happen. Didn’t catch the alpha crab’s name, so you’ll just have to call him “Alphy.”

Island Claws

So how come only one crab grew to the size of a Red Lobster restaurant and not all those hundreds of others that would look better on a menu than in your house? I’ll let you know after I boil a crab in radioactive water and submerse it in a spent fuel pool of nuclear-melted butter. I’m thinkin’ answers and yum.

A Contract With Death

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's Partner

In The Devil’s Partner (1962), a Twilight Zone reject, Pete Jensen is a scraggly hermit who looks like he’s older than lava. He also lives in wooden shack just outside of the appropriately named Furnace Flats, NM. Let’s just say if you wanted to, you could fry an egg on Pete’s dirt porch.

The Devil's Partner

Before Pete kicks the furnace, he sacrifices a goat in his living room (actually the only room in the “house”), smears the animal blood on a hexagram he painted on the floor and hides with a goat skin rug, and makes a pact with the Devil in writing, promising to loan out his soul for two years in exchange for turning young and handsome in order to get busy with Nell, the town’s young hottie.

The Devil's Partner

The Devil grants Pete his wish — he’s now “Nick” and lookin’ slick! He “arrives” back in town as Pete’s nephew, moves back in to the old shack, and starts his plan to snare Nell in his web of deceit. And dang, it works, even though Nell is engaged to handsome gas station owner, David. Heck, so convincing is Nick as a happenin’ and polite young man, David even offers him a job.

The Devil's Partner

But he needs to clear the field of people that are Nick-blocking his attempts to make smooch happen with Nell. First, he uses his “powers” to take out a guy with poison goat’s milk. (I thought all goat’s milk tasted like poison.) Then Nick possesses a pet dog to bite half David’s face off. Then he turns into a horse that stomps the buzz out of the town drunk. But there’s one more person Nick needs to put down — David. Prior, Scar-Face Dave has been treating Nell like a goat and plans on leaving town for good. When Nell goes to Nick for solace, he makes smooch happen. All according to plan.

The Devil's Partner

Furnace Flats’ sheriff and the town doctor (also Nell’s pop) are hot on the bloody trail. Nick turns himself into a rattlesnake (implied, not shown) and goes to bite the rest of David’s face off. Dave’s ready for him — with a gun. Shots were fired, words were said, and everybody puts the clues — and bloody trail — together, and finds the snake in the grass. There it turns into a dying Nick who shall no more make smooch happen.

The Devil's PartnerYou don’t get to see the Devil, but you get to see his evil hands. They look dirty. All the deaths are not shown (except the goat milk guy falling to the floor), and despite Furnace Flats’ dry and dusty hot temps, at no point does Nell slip into a socially acceptable bikini. So yeah, be prepared to be let down.

Atomic Superman Is The Bomb

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots

In the 1962 Mexican sci-fi/horror thrill-o-rama Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots (aka, Los autómatas de la muerte), Neutron is a bare-chested lucha masked marvel, heck-bent on protecting that which needs protecting, in this case an evil scientist thought dead, but is quite the opposite. Yep, the bandaged faced Dr. Caronte lives to breathe another day in this episodic punchfest. And I’ll give it to the ‘ol Doc — he can throw a decent slobberknocker.

Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots

So what’s Caronte’s devious scheme this time? To resurrect the brains of three dead scientists, whose combined knowledge can create a formula to create the world’s most seriously explosive dispositivo: the Neutron Bomb. I know what you’re thinking: a superhero and a bomb with the same name? What are the odds? How do you even market yourself after that?

Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots

Assisting Caronte is Nick, a dwarf executioner with a uni-brow and pinched, high voice that sounds like he huffs helium for each of the day’s three low carb meals. Assisting Nick is a small army of “robots”, Caronte-made lifeforms with janitor overalls and faces that look like Pottery Barn™ planters that’ve been dropped on aisle two. They also have really messy hair because, hey, Caronte didn’t invent combs. Their job is to collect human blood to power the machine that powers the electricity jar that contains the speaking brains of the dead scientists, who all use their human voices, by the way. (Scientists can do anything.)

Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots

While all this is happening, Neutron (in his casual Friday street guise) and two other guys are almost at fisticuffs over the attentions of intentionally single singer/hottie, Nora Walker. They demand she makes a choice amongst her suitors. She does not. Too bad she doesn’t know one of ‘em is Neutron. Why, she could become Mrs. Neutron Bomb!

Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots

One of the death robots impersonates Neutron and kidnaps Nora. Not sure why. Maybe death robots are horny, too. And Caronte has spirited away the spiky neutron bomb into a traveling honeymoon couple’s suitcase. What a dick.

Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots

After much chasing, arguing and diversionary tactics, Neutron and Caronte go at it like they were fighting over the last buttery Crescent™ dinner roll. And fight they do — face fisting, slick wrestling moves, cannonballing from office furniture like it was a community pool diving board. Even the numerous stomach punches sound like face slaps.

Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots

Defeated, Caronte yells at Nick to pull the switch that’ll bring down the house in a way Nora never could. If you can’t figure out how this ends, then I have a talking science brain I wanna sell you.

Demonic Booze ’n Smoke Monster

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AfterDeath

It sucks when you die and then wake up on a deserted beach, cold gray weather, a lighthouse with beams that give you mega migraines, no 7-Elevens™ within sight, and satanic black smoke exploding with a bang all around you. To top it off, there’s a shack-y house nearby with three girls and one lucky guy. They’re dead, too, but don’t care as they’re having sex with their clothes on (is that even legal?), drinking gallons of vodka from an endless supply of bottles, and blasting dumb rave music while they do all of the above. Oh, and there’s a giant sorta electric bubble all around the house and its getting smaller. Time for more vodka!

AfterDeath

Doesn’t take long for one of ‘em to figure out they’re dead and in Hell’s waiting room. But why, oh why are they there? Connecting long-shot dots, all of five people were at an over-capacity nightclub, dancing like idiots, when the roof caved in. All washed up on the beach and took over the abandoned house to party, drink massive amounts of refreshing adult beverages and have clothed sex.

AfterDeath

While this is going on, one girl keeps disappearing and reappearing. Wish I could do that. Then the smartest girl figures out they each did something not cool, which put them in this predicament. Arguments ensure and the one guy yells and curses and ends up on the beach, where the demonic smoke monster has non-consensual relations with the back side of his swim suit area. The girls all think this is funny. It actually kinda is as he’s a loudmouth punk.

AfterDeath

They end up killing holler boy and manage to catch the demon smoke monster in a wooden crate. In order to get it to answer their questions, they douse it with booze. Pffft! — I do the same thing all the time. They discover they’re all screwed and that the sorta electric bubble is gonna put a stop to all their groaning and moaning.

AfterDeath

AfterDeath (2015) is an interesting but kinda confusing horror movie in that you really don’t know what’s going on during the grand finale. Had something to do with one of ‘em needing to go to Heaven before the bubble bursts their bubble, and one going to that…other place. So yeah, you do get to know why the main character is there (I really want to spoil this for you, but I’m feeling charitable today), and while the movie does end rather abruptly, it left one blazing question unanswered: where can one get the crate that never runs out of booze?