Naked Ghost

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Haunted

The generically-titled Haunted (1995) is a supernatural thriller with sexy results set in the early 1900s. And by sexy, I mean seeing a young and fetching Kate Beckinsale de-clothed and having premarital bouncy-bounce with the parapsychologist investigating her and her two brother’s Edbrook Manor to see if it’s really haunted.

Haunted

Professor David Ash is tormented by the drowning death of his sister. (Hello — did the sign not say “no lifeguard on duty”?) So he goes around debunking ghosts, even though his sister is one. When he arrives at Edbrook it doesn’t take long for eerie doo doo to start hitting the eerie fan.

HauntedIt’s all standard ghost house stuff, but the best part happens when Kate de-clothes herself. She doesn’t really need ’em because she and her brother are the poltergeists that are haunting their own house. (Don’t give me that look — you would’ve figured it out 15 minutes into the flick.) Just watch it to see Kate do with the professor what she won’t be doing with you.

Haunted

Vampire Party Night

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Transylmania

Transylmania (2009) is a knuckle-headed, horror spoof comedy about a bunch of sex/party/drugs obsessed college students attending a Romanian college for a semester. Homework includes vampires, vampire hunters, a sexy hunchback, body part swapping, and more boobs than you can shake your stake at.

Transylmania

The Razvan University is a castle that, when referred to, makes horses flatulent. Run by an evil dwarf principal whose drop dead gorgeous daughter is a hunchback, the school is also the scene of the vampire Radu’s search for his 500 year-old girlfriend whose soul got sucked into a music box.

TransylmaniaOne of the teachers, the bloody attractive Teodora Van Sloan, is an ancestor of the great vampire hunter Van Sloan, who did all the past thwarting. Turns out Radu is the spitting image of the perpetually horny American student, Rusty. That they both dress the same on Vampire Party Night isn’t making it easier for anyone.

Transylmania

A music box, when opened, transfers her soul into Lia, the painfully sexy and dumb nympho. This, understandably, causes more scratching of head. Both of ’em. Speaking of heads, a non-partying blonde twin gets her head cut off and her body used to reconfigure hunchback Draguta Floca. Her head manages to live and even admonishes her pot-head boyfriend and look-alike hard-partying sister for hooking up.

Transylmania

Some bonehead comedy, some hilarious bits (farting horses — heh), LOTS of bare naked boobies and micro-Goth bikini underwear. For all its slapsticking, Transylmania really made me re-think my polices on dating gorgeous hunchbacks.

White Trash Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Femmes

Shooting directly to video tape, the producers of this stinker ignore even the most basic of rules of filmmaking: table lamp lighting, truck driver dialogue, clip-on mics, questionably attractive women… They obviously raised the money to do Vampire Femmes (1999) by begging for change in front of McDonald’s™.

So three horny vampire chicks lure men to their three-bedroom rambler lair by way of “for sale — evening appointments only” advertising. Men show up and get their necks (and nothing else) sucked apart. Subsequently, they’re robbed and their cars traded at a chop shop for rent.

Vampire Femmes

A sub-plot concerns a wife-beating cop who tracks down his wife ] where she’s being harbored (and seduced) by the unholy gossip posse. A confrontation leads to the most cheapest and ridiculous gore scenes ever committed to $1.99 Fuji™ VHS tape.

Thanks to inept camera-work, we get to see a vampire chick and a guy have sex — while she’s wearing her undies. She can’t even fake it good. I want the last four hours of my life back again. (I watched it twice.)

The Goblin and the Girl

Posted in Foreign Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Nightmare

17-about-to-turn-18 Tina has more to worry about than being therapy and pill treated for psychosis, parental alienation, imagining being smooshed by a speeding car, and an imaginary, small lumpy creature with sightless eyes that makes sounds like a bird with a reverse beak. Through all this she goes to parties to where they play nothing but EDM (Electronic Dance Music). I’m surprised they haven’t thrown her into the loony bin by now as that “music” will rot your brain, the irony being you don’t need a brain to be into EDM.

The Nightmare

Tina’s condition gets worse, her friends thinks she’s a loon, the misshapen creature is raiding the fridge (he better leave the beer ALONE) and her parents are about to commit her to an insane asylum. All the while she walks around in short shorts so short almost the entire movie, I’ve seen people wear bigger smiles.

The Nightmare

Tina’s into a handicapped DJ (an oxymoron) with fuscia hair who plans on deejaying her 18th birthday party. Earlier, she had a meltdown when, FINALLY, her parents “see” the creature in her bedroom (she earlier befriended the little lump) and beat the leftovers out of it with a curtain rod. The cops show up and Lumpy is taken to a hospital and put on a respirator. Whatever happens to Lumpy, happens to Tina. Good thing that doesn’t work in reverse as I don’t think I could stomach a gray goblin in hot pants.

The Nightmare

Tina skanks it up good for her party, sneaks out of the house in tight spandex, weird facial makeup, ratted hair, stiletto heels, and somehow tracks down Lumpy at the hospital and kidnaps him, all under the watchful eyes of the hospital staff. (They did yell “Hey!” at her; so they fulfilled their script obligation.)

The Nightmare

Arriving at the party with Lumpy, her friends all now see Tina wasn’t lying about seeing things. She rightfully smirks. Then her mom and dad show up and it’s the curtain rod treatment again. Somehow Tina escapes with the Lumpster and they drive off in her dad’s car. At this point two things happen (besides a few flashbacks): one is that Tina is in the back seat. Guess where Lumpy is?

The Nightmare

The Nightmare (aka, Der Nachtmahr/2015) is a German movie with subtitles, and yet, during a school class with a teacher of all things, everybody starts talking in better English than I’ve ever managed. The movie was/is planned as a trilogy, so don’t try to figure it all out — just like EDM.

Chinese Beasts, G-Rated Zombies, Halloween Purge

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hanson and the Beast

Ever see a sci-fi/fantasy movie trailer that just messes with what’s left of your mind? Give the now-available via limited theatre release Hanson and the Beast (2018) a spin. From China (but now available in the States), HatB just came out several days ago (as of this e-barfing) and might just very well get the WTF award of the month, if not year.

Hanson and the Beast

From the press release: “Yuan Shuai, a debt-ridden animal-breeder, tries to get out of his financial predicament by finding a wealthy girlfriend through matchmaking dates. He unexpectedly meets and fall in love with the fox demon, Bai Xianchu, who has arrived to the mortal realm to repay her gratitude. However, the head of the Demon tribe Yun Zhonghe forbids a love relationship between a demon and a human; and takes Bai Xianchu away. To seek his lover, Yuan Shuai bravely crashes the demonic world.”

Hanson and the Beast

Human/animal hybrids, pseudo vampires, rom-comedy, possible bestiality power smooching… Man, this sounds like a night out at The Poggie Tavern, besides the fact I didn’t understand a dang thing about it. Watch the trailer and see if you can figure it out. It’s pretty crazy and loaded with WTF. P.S. No one named Hanson in the movie as far as I can tell. Probably not a traditional Chinese name.

While we’re waiting for a non-subtitled version, here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you probably won’t have to read…

Diverge

DIVERGE (February 6, 2018)
“In the aftermath of a mysterious pandemic that’s turned cities into wastelands, a man desperately searches for a way to cure his ailing wife as she battles a deadly virus. When he is captured by a cryptic stranger, he is offered the chance to save not only his wife but the world.”

I thought our cities were already wastelands. As for a way to treat the guy’s sick spouse, liquor stores have to the cure to “whatever ALES you.” Heh. If I had a chance to save the world, though, I’d take a pass. But Uranus? I’ve got yer back, man. Okay, that came out all wrong.

Zombies

ZOMBIES (February 16, 2018/Disney Channel)
Seabrook is a suburban town obsessed with tradition, conformity, football, and cheerleading, but they’re in for a major shake-up when students from Zombietown transfer to Seabrook High and struggle to coexist alongside human students. When a fierce cheerleader, Addison, and zombie football star, Zed, become friends, they partner to help unite their school and community.”

Warning: This one is gonna show up on the Disney Channel, which means, no graphic gut-ripping rodeos or intestinal roping contests. And if you have the Disney Channel, why the h*ck are you reading this blog?

Annihilation

ANNIHILATION (February 23, 2018)
“A female biologist signs up for a dangerous, secret expedition where the laws of nature don’t apply.”

Where’s she going — a Taco Bell™ restroom? I don’t care what scientists claim, the only Law of Nature that applies in Taco Bell™ is that what goes in must come out — and that result, paradoxically, is against the ALL the Laws of Nature.

Bad Apples

BAD APPLES (February, 2018)
“It’s Halloween night, and two ‘bad apples’ decide to play some wicked tricks on the one house in a suburban cul-de-sac that is not celebrating Halloween. They terrorize a young couple in their home and these tricks become increasingly more sinister as the night progresses, finally ending in a Halloween the entire neighborhood will never forget.”

Sounds like someone is handing out razor-filled avocados instead of the traditional spiked candy treats. That’d p*ss me off, too.

200 Year-Old Monsters, Unfriended Bigfoot, Women Horror

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mary Shelley

Classic horror fans already know this Mary Shelley, the author/creator of the immortal Frankenstein was 20 years old when the book was published on January 1, 1818. That’s, like a million years ago! (Okay, more like 200, but still…)

To commemorate, Rockport Publisher’s Classics Reimagined series presents Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein: The 200th Anniversary Edition, releasing on January 16, 2018. From the press release: “With detailed and evocative imagery, renowned artist David Plunkert takes readers on a dark journey into the greatest novel in the monster genre.”

Mary Shelley

“The 256-page hardcover book features an 8-page vellum insert detailing the doctor’s designs, and a stunning, full bleed, double gatefold image of the monster. Finished with printed endpapers and painted book block, this masterpiece volume is perfect for book lovers and art lovers alike. The Classics Reimagined series is a library of stunning collector’s editions of unabridged classic novels illustrated by contemporary artists from around the world. Each artist offers his or her own unique, visual interpretation of the most well-loved, widely read, and avidly collected literature from renowned authors.”

Mary Shelly

I read the book a million years ago before I could afford a TV. But if you’re like me and have a semi-functioning television portal leading to multiple universes, here are a few now available horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna take up reading…

Bigfoot Country

BIGFOOT COUNTRY (available now/VOD)
“Some say Bigfoot is just a hoax but when a group of hikers go deep into the woods after being warned by a guide that has encountered a Sasquatch, they decide to ignore him and go off trail, but the deeper the go into the woods they realize that they are not alone. Becoming hysterical as night falls, the group is terrorized to their core and accidentally shoots and wounds a Sasquatch. Legend says the Bigfoot species simply want to be left alone but when provoked, they will protect their territory and in this case the damage has been done and there is no turning back.”

You encountered and then decided to ignore Bigfoot and then later shot him? What’s next — unfriending him on Facebook™? Hikers can be so socially cruel.

Death Island: Paranormal Retribution

DEATH ISLAND: PARANORMAL RETRIBUTION (available now/VOD)
“A team of supernatural researchers set out to shoot a documentary about hikers who vanished on a remote and desolate island in the Great Lakes, an island whose only inhabitants are 3,500 Native American graves. Despite repeated warnings from locals, they provoke the spirits of the dead and find themselves stranded and trapped in a vortex of paranormal retribution.”

3,500 graves on one island? That leaves very little room for a paranormal resort hotel and casino. I bet they have priests instead of parking valets — just in case you park on one of the graves. (They should really mark ‘em better — and not with yellow paint, which can easily be mistaken for a parking spot.)

7 From Etheria

7 FROM ETHERIA (available now/VOD)
Etheria is the world’s most respected showcase of the best new horror, comedy, science fiction, fantasy, action, and thriller films made by emerging women directors. Terrifying home invasions, unexpected carjackings, and hilarious jelly wrestling are just the start: before you’re through watching this anthology, you’ll visit a Tasmanian penal colony in 1829, prove Kurt Gödel’s time-travel theorem, be victimized by strange alien substances, and dare to venture out into a devastated nuclear wasteland.”

They had me at jelly wrestling. 2018 is the Year of the Woman, so best to rent this and when it comes to the ladies, best to keep our male yaps shut for once — unless when asking them to buy you a refreshing adult beverage without conditions.

Magellan

MAGELLAN (available now/VOD)
“When NASA picks up three signals of extraterrestrial origin coming from within our own solar system, the space agency expedites a mission to investigate the sources. As Earth’s lone emissary, they send Commander Roger Nelson, the test pilot for an experimental spacecraft called the Magellan, assisted by an onboard A.I. named Ferdinand.”

So a robot and an astronaut walk into a solar system. Sounds like a set-up of a great joke, the punchline being that  they end up picking up the bar tab for the aliens. Why else would they signal us? Earth suckers.

Sea Sex

Posted in Misc. Horror, TV Vixens on January 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Donkey Punch

In the sex-at-sea-gone-wrong horror thriller Donkey Punch (2008), three horny college girls on vacation accept an offer to do some industrial strength partying on board a yacht with four horny guys. I doubt any of ’em planned on wearing a life-jacket, let alone other forms of ocean-going protection.

Donkey Punch

A few drinks, some drugs and a video camera was all it took to get the party started. The kid with the camera is goaded into having sexualizings with one gal, who is up for sharing her heaving bounty. (No sunken chest here.) Good for him. The older guy goads him into giving her a “donkey punch,” a fist whack to the back of the girl’s head at the crucial moment, in order to take said crucial moment to the extreme, dude. He breaks her neck and freshness expires her. Bad for him. Even worse, it was all caught on camera.

Donkey Punch

The remaining two girls freak out, which pretty much kills (sorry) the mood. The guys, on the yacht that isn’t even theirs, decide to wrap the dead girl in a sheet and toss her overboard. How environmentally insensitive — a sea turle could get its neck caught in that thing.

Donkey Punch

It’s right about here the gruesome events kick into overdrive and some really heinous panicky stuff  transpires. Everybody’s dark side comes out and they do things to each other that you’d normally see in psycho horror movies. In fact, several death scenes are shocking enough to make you seasick. The party started out with seven people. If you know math, start subtracting.

Donkey Punch

Yeah, the subject matter is as dumb as the title, but the filmmakers managed several white-knuckle scenes to keep it from sinking in a sheet-filled ocean of predictable horror clichés. Unlike the girl with the broken neck.