Sex Vampire, Brain Food, Werewolf App

Rabid, a notorious Canadian-made horror flick, came out in 1977 and starred adult film icon, Marilyn Chambers in her first leading mostly-clothed straight role. This was also a movie in which she was mostly vertical. Heh. Here’s why this movie became one of Canada’s highest-grossing films at the time: “Chambers plays a woman who, after being injured in a motorcycle accident and undergoing a surgical operation, develops an orifice under one of her armpits that hides a phallic stinger she uses to feed on people’s blood. Those she bites become infected, and then feed upon others, spreading the disease exponentially.” So, a socially relevant movie about a sex vampire, or a statement on the flesh-spoiling ramifications of unprotected sex? Probably both.

Rabid came out on April 8, 1977. But today, April 12, marks the 15th anniversary of Marilyn’s passing in 2009. Her first foray into adult entertainment was Behind The Green Door, which depicted sex in a variety snack-pack of ways. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia™, “was a 1972 American feature-length pornographic film, widely considered one of the genre’s ‘classic’ pictures and one of the films that ushered in The Golden Age of Porn (1969 — 1984). Featuring Marilyn Chambers, who became a mainstream celebrity, it was one of the first hardcore films widely released in the United States.” P.S. Rabid was remade in 2019.

So while we celebrate these two April anniversaries with lube and moist towelettes (aka “YMCA locker room party favors”), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you with the medical condition known as armpit wiener…

BRAIN TUMOR / Out now (Tubi™)

Routine brain surgery makes a terrifying turn when a tumor goes rogue and takes on a life of its own. It runs amok in search of its next meal. It grows bigger and bigger as it chows down on one unsavory character after another.”

Brain surgery is routine? Mowing a lawn is routine. Brain surgery should be the exact opposite of mowing lawns. And it should pay more than whatever the cost is to have your grass cut so as to not do it yourself.

LOWLIFES / Out now (Tubi™)

“The survival instincts of a road-tripping family are put to the test when they have no choice but to stay the night at a remote homestead.”

At night? This scares the remote crap outta me. 

BYTE / Out now (Tubi™)

“A mysterious phone app turns users into werewolves.”

Good, because eating Wolfsbane is like eating kale, which is like eating your fingernails.

LOVE WILL TEAR IS APART / April 16, 2024 (VOD)

“Wakaba Mashita is a young woman grappling with her traumatic past. As she ventures into new romantic relationships, she realizes she is being followed by a relentless masked murderer. This mysterious killer targets anyone who dares to get close to her, turning her quest for love into a fight for survival.”

Don’t let the plot description throw you off — the trailer has more blood and violence than most horror movies…like Barbie.