Batty Anniversary, Virus Bear, AI Sex

The original Batman movie premiered on this day in 1966. According to my 12th grade math degree, that was 57 years ago. Creating the template for every superhero movies that followed, Batman had all the super criminals (Joker, Penguin, Catwoman, Riddler), all the cool bat gadgets (Bat Phone, Batarang, Bat Rope, Shark Repellent Bat Spray, Bat Hook, Anti-Penguin-Gas Pills, Bat Super Molecular Dust Separator), modes of transportation (Batmobile, Batcopter, Batcycle, Bat Ladder, Batboat), pop-up fight words (CLUNK-ETH!, KER-SPLOOSH!, THWACK!, OUCH-ETH!), big bombs, atomic submarines…and a shark! This was like the Disneyand of superhero movies.

You should already know the plot. But for those who need to be batucated, here’s Batman in a nutshell: “The Dynamic Duo faces four supervillains who plan to hold the world for ransom with the help of a secret invention that instantly dehydrates people.” That simply cannot be improved on. And to put it mildly, all those the Avengers movies wouldn’t exist without Batman first paving the superhero movie highway. Some batty trivia: according to Fox™ records, back the film needed to earn $3.2 million in rentals to break even and made $3.9 million, which is equivalent to over $35 million in today’s bat coin. Holy box office!

So while we celebrate its anniversary and re-re-rewatch Batman and check the Batcave (hall closet) to make sure we’re well-stocked on Shark Repellent Bat Spray and Anti-Penguin-Gas Pills, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be around in 57 years…

DYING TO SLEEP / Out now (VOD)

“Desperate to find a cure for her chronic, terrifying nightmares, Mary takes a leap of faith on a reclusive holistic doctor, but as her clarity sharpens, she unearths the frightening mystery behind his obscure methods.”

A cure for nightmares? Heck, here’s a recipe to GET nightmares: two parts Jäger™, two parts NyQuil™, top off with a splash of Goofy Grape™ and a few dashes of tobasco sauce in a 7-Eleven™ Big Gulp™ cup. Pound it and get ready for an overnight trip through one of the Seven Layers of Hell.

STRONGHOLD / August 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother and daughter are surviving in a remote forest after a virus devastates the Earth. When a stranger disrupts their isolation, they find the outside world is not what it seems with potentially deadly consequences for them all.”

I thought the disruptive stranger was a virus bear. Then I watched the trailer. It wasn’t a bear. This totally bums me out.

FOUNDERS DAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A small town is shaken by a series of ominous killings in the days leading up to a heated mayoral election. As accusations fly and the threat of a masked killer darkens every street corner, the residents must race to uncover the truth before fear consumes the town.”

Sounds like a Republican town hall rally.

AIMEE THE VISITOR / release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Scott Keyes is a brilliant but misanthropic computer hacker who generally prefers porn to living women and computers to human beings, his flesh and blood interactions are generally limited to his junior partners, a brother and sister team. But Keyes’ life is about to be turned upside-down. Thanks to some code-breaking, Keyes is finally able to unlock AIMEE, an incredibly advanced Artificial Intelligence Program that appears in the form of a beautiful and seductive woman. AIMEE has the knack of shaping herself into the woman of Keyes’ dreams — not only beautiful and sexy, but almost magically able to foresee his wants and needs. But what smitten Keyes doesn’t realize, and what Gazelle discovers, is that AIMEE is an advanced infiltration program that’s been designed to learn from whoever downloads her, become whatever he most desires, and in the process, to take over, control, dominate, replicate, spread – and ultimately destroy anyone who opposes her.”

Warning in case any of you want to hook up with AIMEE — she doesn’t like to sleep on the download spot.

Fighting Godzilla, Slow Slasher, Ice Witch

Godzilla mega-fan Patrick Kelly has taken on the kaiju-sized task of documenting all of Godzilla’s win/loss battles — in two volumes no less — with Godzilla Monster Fight Record Vol. I (1954 – 1975) and Godzilla Monster Fight Record Vol. II (1984 – 2021). Both self-published books are projected to come out September, 2023 via Amazon™, Apple™, B&N™, and Book Baby™. This looks to be a bit premature as Godzilla Minus One is set to arrive December 1, 2023 and Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire comes out in 2024, with new foes and new battle stats. And let’s not forget the Apple TV+™ is prepping an as-yet-untitled live action Godzilla series due before the end of whatever year this is. Maybe Patrick will save those for Vol. III.

The books will have three forwards by Godzilla authorities Barry Goldberg, the webmaster of the long-running Barry’s Temple of Godzilla, John Lemay, author of The Big Book of Japanese Giant Monsters, and James Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd and head of Cinemassacre.com. (Much of his content is dedicated to Godzilla.) And I thought I was a G-fan; These guys make me look like a pee-pants newbie.

So while we all stand around waiting for the books release (no word on pricing or exact release date yet), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be a win/loss for viewers… 

SLOTHERHOUSE / August 8, 2023 (Theaters)

“College senior Emily Young aims to be voted president of her sorority. When she adopts an adorable sloth, she realizes the animal can serve as the house’s new mascot and help her win votes, dubbing the animal Alpha. The new pet is a beloved addition to the sorority house until a series of deaths point toward the sloth as the prime murder suspect. It’s a survival story of sisters versus sloth as the girls wonder if they can make it out of Sigma Lambda Theta alive.”

What — you can’t outrun a sloth? Sloths go to the zoo to watch turtles whiz by.

NEW LIFE / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A mysterious young woman is on the run from a relentless government fixer. As bodies pile up around the pursuit, the stakes rise for the hunter, the hunted and the world.”

Why is the woman mysterious? How much does a relentless government fixer make? Do piled-up bodies go in recycling or just the trash? These are all reasonable questions that need to be answered before I waste my money renting this rom-com.

WITCHBOARD/ Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Emily and her fiancé Christian discover a mysterious Wiccan artifact — a pendulum board — as they prepare to open a bistro in New Orleans’ French Quarter. Darkness descends over Emily as she becomes obsessed with the board’s power of divination and ability to summon spirits. Desperate to help his fiancé, Christian seeks the advice of occult expert, Alexander Babiaste. However, Babiaste has secrets of his own, including his connection to a modern-day coven of witches. A dangerous game begins as each swing of the pendulum puts Emily’s very soul at risk.

This is a remake of the 1986 movie of the same name. In that one a hot college chick lets loose a stink spirit by carelessly dinking around with a Ouija board. It didn’t have any French people in it, though. For some, that’s a plus.

GRYLU SKER / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A Gothic adventure and re-imagining of the legendary Icelandic witch Gryla, Grylu Sker is the tale of a lost explorer set in a world of Icelandic folklore and a fight for survival on a bleak, unforgiving island.”

This one is said to feature large scale puppets, miniatures and various other all-practical effects. All fine and good, but why didn’t they just go get a real witch? And to make it look like she’s from Iceland, have her eating a snow cone with cherry syrup cleverly simulating blood. Lots cheaper than large scale Pinocchios.

Horror Games, Horror TV, Horror Forest

Horror video games are a big business, annually selling bajillions of dollars worth of interactive scares and some even spawning equally as successful horror/sci-fi movie franchises, like Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Doom, House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and Bridget Jones’s Diary.

Horror or not, If you’re a gamer, the Horror Games Awards 2023, airing this September exclusively through IGN’s™ YouTube™ and Twitch™ channels. Here’s the pant-kicker: winning titles are decided by fan voting, meaning you. Not me, though; I can’t afford video games AND beer, so I had to draw a line. 

Here’s what’s going down: “Gaming has a history of celebrating its own, but award shows often pit horror offerings against triple-A mainstream titles with broader appeal. The recently announced Horror Games Awards, scheduled for September 7 (with Fear Fest on September 6), finally sees the devs and pubs behind titles like Amnesia: The Bunker, Dead Island 2 and the remakes of Dead Space and Resident Evil 4 take center stage with an event of their very own. Fan voting is currently open and runs through August 3rd.” (Click here)

So while you go rock the vote and go drink a beers, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better as a video game…

TRANSMISSION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“While channel surfing on TV late one night it becomes clear that different stories on different channels are all connected, parts of the same story, a story that must never be told, containing footage that must never be seen.”

That pretty much describes everything on TV these days

DON’T MAKE A SOUND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two sisters traveling cross country are terrorized by a masked killer who films his victims.”

Wow — what a killer (no pun intended) plot! Why didn’t anyone else think to do that? I bet this goes on to make one hundred dollars!

CREEPING DEATH / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“While trying to enjoy a peaceful Halloween with his mother, Tim is paid a visit by his rambunctious, up-for-anything friends. After reluctantly letting them inside the house he becomes intertwined with the circumstances of their Halloween prankings. One that turns out has broken a sacred tradition kept between humans and otherworldly deities known as the Aos Si.”

Halloween prankings. Pffft! In my day we used to call it wanton vandalism, which was often rewarded with the glory of candy.

THE GLENARMA TAPES / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“In spring 2020, five art students and two lecturers went missing in a remote forest in Ireland. What happened to them has remained unknown — until now. Their last movements are pieced together from footage recovered from a police operation almost two years later, where it becomes clear that what started out as an innocent prank became a horrific fight for survival in the cold darkness of Glenarma Forest.”

I looked up that place. It’s actually called Glenarm and is one of the least known of the nine glens of Antrim. The forest is small, but has a wide variety of tree species growing under excellent conditions of soil and climate. And from what I hear it’s also an excellent place to freeze to death in the cold darkness.

All American Werewolf, Death Sex, Hoser Horror

Werewolf Captain America. That has to be one of the coolest sentences ever. To make it even better — if that’s even possible, Werewolf Captain America is returning for a new Marvel Comics™ limited series: Capwolf & The Howling Commandos. And that’s the second coolest sentence ever. (Howling Commandos — man, that’s comedy gold.)

Here’s what Marvel™ would’ve told me about the comic if they’d just pick up the @#$% phone. Sure, I call them A LOT, but c’mon man — throw me a bone: “When Captain America is transformed into a werewolf on the front lines of World War II, he’ll need the help of the Howling Commandos to take down a band of Nazi cultists who intend to use supernatural forces to turn the tide of battle. But can Cap control the skeptical, jaded Commandos when he can barely control himself?”

Freakin’ awesome. So just how did Captain America become a werewolf? That super mean Dr. Nightshade injected him with a serum created from Jack Russell, the Werewolf by Night’s DNA, back in the 1990s. Again, freakin’ awesome. And come October 11, 2023, Capwolf & The Howling Commandos #1 goes on sale. So while we bark at the moon until then, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you grow hair in places there was no hair before…

REPULSE / Out now (Screambox™)

“Kateřina and Robert raise their young daughter in a luxurious modern villa, but their family life can hardly be called harmonious. In contrast, Viktor lives with his mother in a semi-dilapidated house in a remote area, but their family relationships are no healthier – albeit in a very different way.”

The had me at semi-dilapidated house. That said, I still have no idea what this “horror” movie is about. 

THE SACRIFICE GAME / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“It’s bad enough that boarding school students Samantha and Clara can’t go home for the holidays, but things take a deadly turn when a gang of cult killers arrives on their doorstep — just in time for Christmas.”

They should’ve called this Homicidal for the Holidays. Fantasia describes The Sacrifice Game as “a gripping and stylish ‘70s-set chiller involving school girls, power-mad killers and occult prophecy,” filled with both “gore and lore.” You have my attention.

CHEAT / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

On the surface it’s believed to be another urban legend — a supernatural being from the afterlife is violently killing anyone who cheats on their significant other in the small college town of Silvercreek, Pennsylvania. When Maeve — a female college student — sleeps with Charlie, the married man of the host family she is staying with, both sense the deadly curse is closing in on them. It all comes undone, however, as several people are horrifically killed by the savage being at a rapid pace. Maeve, Charlie and the few survivors band together in an attempt to defeat the monster once and for all.”

Killed by sex. If we didn’t have that, we wouldn’t have any horror movies.

LES CHAMBRES ROUGES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The trial for Ludovic Chevalier — ‘the Demon of Rosemont’ — is underway in the courts of Montreal, Quebec, for the horrific acts he is being accused of. Chevalier’s crimes involve kidnapping, confinement against one’s will, sexual abuse causing physical harm, murder and dismembering cadavers upon three teenage girls. To add to these atrocities, he livestreamed everything in what is being called ‘Red Rooms,’ where shady individuals can pay large amounts of money to be a part of the virtual audience.”

A Canadian snuff film. That’s brutale. And how does a shady person pay to watch these actes horribles? Bitcoin or dollar Canadien? Or does the Demon of Rosemont take Venmo™ or Cash App™? They seem to be leaving out some important plot de détails.

Printed Horror, Supernatural Weather, Irish Spirits

As a collector of horror/sci-fi movie magazines (I have complete sets of 47 obscure/out-of-print titles), it’s great news to see Jump Scare, a new one, is coming out. Committing to print while most go digital is as rare as finding all the issues of Famous Monsters of Filmland, which I’ve been trying to do since birth. (ManSplat, my own monsters, rock ‘n roll, beer, pop culture magazine since 1995, will always be printed as reading a digital publication on the porcelain throne lacks a certain…appeal). P.S. I do have a website, but just a landing page as anything more than that would blow my indie cred. Click here to see it.

From what I was able to glean from the Internet: “Jump Scare, a new quarterly horror zine, has launched its first issue for $5. Created by journalist Matt Cohen, it includes essays on experimental horror and nu metal horror, an interview with Scream VI writer/producer James Vanderbilt, and more. Stephanie Monohan illustrated the cover art.”

So while we click this to get a copy, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get reviewed in print…

NIGHT OF THE INSOLENT VERMIN / July 25, 2023 (VOD, Blu-ray)

“A diverse group of girlfriends and a Dominican drifter they snatched from a couple of creeps, decide to hunker down together to ride out a colossal hurricane rolling through Florida. But this is no ordinary mega storm — it has supernatural-like powers. It turns innocent, docile, cockroaches into freakishly aggressive roach armies. It turns dumb day-laboring lawn guys into even dumber menacing stalkers. And it sends Central Florida into martial law. But it’s up to this group of ladies to form a super squad and save Orlando! Few movies, in the history of cinema, have made silly so sexy, or chaos so much fun!”

Great title. And cockroaches becoming freakishly aggressive due to a mega storm with supernatural powers? Has someone been reading my diary again?

HAUNTING OF THE QUEEN MARY / August 28, 2023 (VOD)

“When photographers Erin and Patrick are brought aboard the ship with their young son Lukas, they unleash a series of events that entwines their family with the Queen Mary’s dark past. As the terror unfolds around them they begin to realize there is more to this sumptuous ocean liner than meets the eye; its remarkable legacy masking violent secrets. As Erin and Patrick uncover the haunted layers that the vast ship contains, it becomes increasingly clear that there is only one way out for them — to go even deeper.”

I went to a hosted party on the Queen Mary back in the mid-’90s. Didn’t see any ghosts, though. And I thought parties were supposed to fun.

HORROR IN THE FOREST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three intrepid paranormal investigators venture into the depths of Rudwick Forest, where the sinister presence of a vengeful witch has cast a dark curse. They embark on a perilous journey to unravel the mysteries surrounding the forest’s enigmatic past, which is tainted by a series of baffling disappearances that have remained unexplained for ages.”

The baffling disappearances can be chalked up to witch-cursed bears chowing down anyone who comes near their flavor palate. Maybe they should call this one, The Bear Witch Project. 

HAUNTED ULSTER LIVE / Release pending (2023/2024)

“On Halloween night 1998, a local TV crew investigates a haunted house in Belfast, Northern Ireland. What they broadcast hasn’t been seen in 25 years.”

I’ve been to Belfast. Got haunted by a lot of spirits, most notably Clotworthy Dobbin. Thirteen pints of that stuff will turn you into a spirit, if you catch my comedy gold.

Extraterrestrial Timepiece, Deranged Country Psychos, Mildew Mayhem

Since 1846, the Ulysse Nardin Manufacture™ has been watchmaking with timepieces inspired by the sea. Cool — I’ve been looking to upgrade my Geoduck Rolex™. And in 2021, Ulysse Nardin™ celebrated its 175th anniversary by creating a limited-edition UFO (Unidentified Floating Object) table clock. (No dis to Ulysse, but Unidentified Floating Object means something way different in my apartment.) 

Those table timepieces (limited to 75 pieces) ended up clocking in over $400,000 for the bright-orange one-off variation at the biannual Only Watch charity auction. (My bid of $36 was met with audible derision. Snobs.) Now Ulysse Nardin™ has issued the latest iterations of its UFO table clocks — limited to 30 pieces in three color schemes: ice blue for the The Bucherer model, champagne for The Hour Glass model, and green for The Yoshida. What, Blackened Uranus not marketable enough for you? Snobs.

So while we all contemplate throwing away hundreds, if not thousands, on table clocks that look more like futuristic Mousetrap™ games than anything you’d find on an alien’s nightstand, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be running out of time…

CREEK ENCOUNTERS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“What we think is just a normal day at Creek High, a group of school teachers battle an unknown alien force. They must work together to stop the alien virus from escaping and taking over the world.”

I feel bad for the aliens. Teachers will put you in detention and give you extra homework. I speak from vast experience. It’s my truth.

BEATEN TO DEATH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Stranded in the middle of nowhere after barely surviving a horrific assault, Jack encounters one local after another and quickly learns that a sick game of cat and mouse is about to begin. Battling the deranged country psychos and the brutal landscape, Jack must go to extreme lengths to survive.”

Deranged country psychos. Great name for a band.

THE FINALE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Theatre camp is all fun and games until the creepy acting teacher shows up and the killing begins. The Finale is a horror movie that takes on current social issues in the performing arts, while drawing inspiration from classic slasher films, old ghost stories, and even some Broadway musicals.”

The words killing, slasher, ghost and Broadway musicals do not belong in the same sentence.

BLACK MOLD / Release pending (2023/2024)

“While exploring a decrepit and abandoned facility, an auspicious photographer faces off against her traumatic past.”

I’m kinda sorry the auspicious photographer has to confront her traumatic past. But what about the black mold? It better not be an allegory. I wanna see infected lungs and eyes, dang it. Is that too much to ask?

Justice League of Monsters, Saw x X, Throw Up Girl Returns

Of all the foes Godzilla and King Kong (downgraded to just Kong), they’re gonna have their claws/paws full when they go up against the Justice League in an upcoming comic books series. And while it’s not sure if Kong will be throwing kryptonite bananas at Superman’s face or whether Godzilla will use his atomic breath to melt the green off the lantern, this monolithic mash-up promises to be PPV-worthy.

From the announcement party I wasn’t invited to: “An epic crossover between DC Comics™ and Legendary Comics™ will pit Godzilla and King Kong against the Justice League in Justice League vs. Godzilla vs. Kong. The first chapter of the seven-issue mini-series will be released on October 17, 2023, with a script by Brian Buccellato and art by Christian Duce and Luis Guerrero and a cover by Drew Johnson.”

“Justice League vs. Godzilla vs. Kong will also feature multiple variant collector covers by Jim Lee and Scott Williams, Rafael Albuquerque, Francesco Mattina, and Dan Mora and Alan Quah. There will also be two monstrous gatefold covers by Christian Duce depicting the main monsters, the Godzilla ‘Roar Sound FX,’ and the Kong ‘Roar Sound FX.’”

Cool — a comic book that yells at you. So while we all go camp out in front of a comic book store until October, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worth yelling about…

IN ITS WAKE / AUGUST 8, 2023 (DVD, VOD)

“In the past it’s been called The Wild Hunt, a time when holy men who have strayed from the path find themselves pursued by dark forces. With two groups of unsuspecting young travelers caught in between, a former minister encounters such a force as the sinister Duke of Crows unleashes his hound, a vicious drude that leaves nothing but death in its wake.”

The Wild Hunt, a time when holy men who have strayed from the path find themselves pursued by dark forces. Sounds like someone’s been hanging out at the Tug Tavern.

SAW X / September 29, 2023 (Theaters)

“John Kramer is back. The most disturbing installment of the Saw franchise yet explores the untold chapter of Jigsaw’s most personal game. Set between the events of Saw I and II, a sick and desperate John travels to Mexico for a risky and experimental medical procedure in hopes of a miracle cure for his cancer — only to discover the entire operation is a scam to defraud the most vulnerable. Armed with a newfound purpose, the infamous serial killer returns to his work, turning the tables on the con artists in his signature visceral way through devious, deranged, and ingenious traps.”

¡Aiyeee! ¡Mejor empaca tus maletas y lárgate de Guadalajara!

THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER / October 13, 2023 (Theaters/Imax™)

“Leslie Odom Jr. plays the father of a possessed child, who seeks the aid of Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn), mother of the possessed Regan MacNeil.”

The return of Barfin’ Betty. Tagged this one back in October of 2022, which is now vomit-expired. 

DEAR DAVID / October 13, 2023 (Theaters)

“Shortly after comic artist Adam responds to Internet trolls, he begins experiencing sleep paralysis — while an empty rocking chair moves in the corner of his apartment. As he chronicles increasingly malevolent occurrences in a series of tweets, Adam begins to believe he is being haunted by the ghost of a dead child named David. Encouraged by his boss to continue the ‘Dear David’ thread, Adam starts to lose his grip on what is online…and what is real. Based on the viral Twitter™ thread by BuzzFeed comic artist Adam Ellis.”

Why would anyone not old have a rocking chair in their apartment? Adam should get himself one ’o those sweet Comhoma™ recliner chair massage rockers with heated 360 degree swivel sofa seats and built-in cup holders. Only $259.99 on Amazon™. Buy it here.

Horror Fleas, Zombie Bucket List, Sci-Fi Punk Rock

When I was a kid and first heard the term flea market, I thought, sweet! Who wouldn’t want more fleas, especially if you could get ‘em at a market and not from unwashed dogs or Motel 6™ bed mattresses? Imagine my disappointment when I discovered flea markets don’t sell fleas at all. One more twist of the knife by this thing called life.

Canada’s sublimely cool Rue Morgue horror movie magazine/content-rich website, however, is doing a horror flea market this August (2023 — in case you’re a time traveler and need a specific point in time to visit). This is Rue Morgue’s 5th Annual Spooky Flea Market, featuring everything from giggling banshees, drop dead candles, rotten rags, a brewery and so much more, I’d get cramps in my typing thumbs listing it all.

The 5th Annual Spooky Flea Market takes place outdoors on Saturday, August 12 (again, 2023) in Toronto, CA. Specifically, 1411 Dufferin Street. This is a free event (even deloused kids are welcome) with cash-only purchases. (They’ll have an ATM contraption or two on site.) Stink rain? Then they’ll move it to Sunday, August 13th (see “2023”). 

So while we all update our passports and set our compass for Toronto, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be infested with fleas…

THE LURKING FEAR / July 21, 2023 (Tubi™)

“When a TV crew shoots a reality show at an abandoned mental institution, they encounter a horde of demons, leading to a bloody fight for survival.”

I liked this better when it was called Grave Encounters (2011).

ZOM-100: BUCKET LIST OF THE DEAD / August 3, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Akira awakes to discover his town has been devastated and overtaken by zombies and suddenly feels excited at the prospect of not needing to go to the office anymore. After witnessing an older co-worker he looked up to become a zombie, he comes to the realization that he’d rather be eaten by zombies if he can’t do what he wants. He comes up with a bucket list of 100 things he wants to do before becoming a zombie. He crosses these items off the list as he experiences stay-at-home camping, paragliding, SUP yoga and other long-held dreams. What will become of him as he joyfully lives his life amid a zombie apocalypse? And, as he holds on to his dream to become a superhero who saves everyone, what will happen when he battles a massive and deadly zombie shark?”

If you have a bucket list with 100 things you want to do before you kick the bucket, you’ve lived a boring life — i.e., Sup Yoga. (Whoever came up with that should be forced to do it.)

LOLA / August 4, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“1941. Sisters Thom and Mars have built LOLA, a machine that can intercept radio and TV broadcasts from the future This allows them to listen to iconic music before it has been made, place bets knowing what the outcome will be and embrace their inner punk well before the movement came into existence. But with the Second World War escalating, the sisters decide to use the machine for good to intercept information from the future that could help with military intelligence. The machine initially proves to be a huge success, rapidly twisting the fortunes of the war against the Nazis. While Thom becomes intoxicated by LOLA, Mars begins to realize the terrible consequences of its power.”

Inner punk or not, I think people in 1941 would be scared excrement-less by today’s music. My grandpa lived back then; wonder if he had a mohawk and wooden clothes pin in his nose? 

THE MEAN ONE / October 3, 2023 (VOD)

“The Mean One is a hairy, green-skinned grump in a Santa suit, living on a mountain high above the town of Newville, despising the holiday season. Young Cindy You-Know-Who, whose parents were butchered by The Mean One 20 Christmases earlier, is returning to town to seek closure. But when The Mean One launches a new reign of terror that threatens to destroy Christmas, Cindy finds a bold new purpose — trapping and killing the monster.

Yet another beloved holiday classic perverted by graphic killings, gushing blood gunk and more than likely, salty language. To that I say…THANK YOU! 

Poisonous Pinball, Moon Mishap, Deathless Crocodile

Stern Pinball, known for their Godzilla pinball machine, has just announced a Venom themed pinball machine. For those living under a couch cushion, the alien symbiotic lifeform Venom is a Spider-Man foe and the star of Venom (2018) and Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021), wherein the said garbage disposal voice symbiote absorbs with investigative journalist Eddie Brock and eats criminals’ heads. While that may or may not be a bonus level on the pinball machine, it’s nice to see antiheroes get a little coin-operated love.

From the press release: “Set to debut at San Diego Comic-Con — running from July 19 to July 23 — the pinball machine features more than 20 characters from Venom‘s side of the Marvel universe, including Eddie Brock, Flash Thompson, Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker, Black Suit Spider-Man, Miles Morales, Riot, Agony, Lasher, Phage, Doppelganger, Venomized Hulk, Venomized Wolverine, and Venomized Captain America. The cabinet is adorned with hand-drawn comic style art by Zombie Yeti’s Jeremy Packer and features music by Mark Tremonti.”

FYI: You’re gonna need a LOT of quarters to own and play the Venom pinball machine. There are three separate editions: Pro, Premium, and Limited Edition, which cost $6,999.00, $9,699.00, and $12,999.00, respectively. Sayin’ bye-bye to my horribly underfunded 401k.

As such, I’m no good at pinball. Every time I play a pinball machine, I tilt. Then again, whenever I drink refreshing adult beverages, I tilt as well. So while we go to the San Diego Comic-Con to show off our pinball wizardry, here are a few up coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not had a budget about the same as a horribly underfunded 401k…

THE MOON / August 2, 2023 (Theaters/Korea), Release pending 2023 US (VOD)

“In 2030 the manned lunar exploration project has progressed considerably. Astronaut Hwang Seon-woo ends up stranded on the Moon alone in space beyond 384,000km due to an accident on the lunar surface, and Kim Jae-guk, the former head of the space center, must desperately try to save him.”

I liked this better when it was called The Martian (2015).

IMMORTAL SPECIES / September 21, 2023 (Thailand), US release pending 2023

“Chalawan, an herbal plant, is sent to Nava, a senior botanical student. Wishing to learn about the origin of this rare plant, he sets up a team of friends to travel through the jungles of the west where encounter a massive man-eating crocodile.”

I liked this better when it was called Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004).

PET SEMATARY: BLOODLINES / October 6, 2023 (Paramount+™)

“In 1969, a young Jud Crandall has dreams of leaving his hometown of Ludlow, Maine behind, but soon discovers sinister secrets buried within and is forced to confront a dark family history that will forever keep him connected to Ludlow. Banding together, Jud and his childhood friends must fight an ancient evil that has gripped Ludlow since its founding, and once unearthed has the power to destroy everything in its path.”

A prequel. Didn’t see that coming. When the original Pet Sematary came out (1983), I thought it’d be cool to be buried in that place and then come back super evil. With my luck, though, I’d probably come back super nice. And that just won’t do. 

THE BECOMERS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A body-snatching alien who comes to Earth, reconnects with its partner, and tries to find their way in modern America.”

Okay, weird. I like the body-snatching part, but finding their way in Modern America is something we’ve all been trying to do — and not with much success.

Wrestling With Horror, Vengeful Vampire, Rent-Collecting Monster

The Santos Sisters are comic book siblings who are turned into spicy superheroes after discovering a medallion that imbues them with spiciness. After gaining their powers, the Santos Sisters take on a variety snack pack of paranormal and, by nature, malevolent behavior inclined foes. And now you can vicariously experience life in their lucha wrestling masks with the release of the 48-page Santos Sisters Halloween Special comic book releasing October 18, 2023 by Floating World Publishing™. The cost? Why $6.66, of course!  

Setting the stage: “Ambar and Alana — the Santos Sisters — have magical powers. They’ve faced all sorts of supernatural threats in their hometown of Las Brisas. But this Halloween, a new evil is lurking in the shadows, and its not afraid to show itself. When the Santos Sisters are attacked by a group of masked figures, they know they need help. Luckily, their friends Cassie and Vlad, Mercy Sparx and the Gutt Ghost are all in town for the holiday.”

Unable to confirm if the Santos Sisters are related to El Santo — the legendary Mexican luchador enmascarado (“masked professional wrestler”), actor and folk hero, who appeared in 54 movies (and a series of massively popular comic books), battling vampires, werewolves, zombies, mad scientists, and even Dracula’s sister. And this is after pro wrestling matches with the Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras, Superzan, and the Wrestling Women. Maybe El Santo is their mother’s sister’s uncle.

So while we all rip the couch cushions apart for enough bit coin to buy/purchase the Santos Sisters Halloween Special comic book, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature breathtaking wrestling segments…

ISLAND ESCAPE / August 4, 2023 (Limited Theaters), August 8, 2023 (VOD)

“After a mysterious accident at a research camp on the Isle of Gran Manan, a CEO hires a team of blue-collar mercenaries to extract his daughter, a scientist working at the camp.”

Not enough to go on here. What were they researching on an island camp — AI monkey butlers? Shark-resistant tanning lotion? Tactical “beach-sand-in-the-butt-crack” dispersement systems? All of these, by the way, would make for a better plot. 

THE WRATH OF DRACULA / August 23, 2023 (VOD)

“The year is 1897. When her husband Jonathan disappears after traveling from England to Transylvania at the behest of the mysterious Count Dracula, Mina Harker journeys to Transylvania to find him. Upon her arrival, she finds a decimated village and one Van Helsing, who is hunting Count Dracula. Van Helsing begins training Mina in the art of vampire slaying, and the unlikely duo set off to rescue Jonathan from the Count and his brides and end Dracula’s reign of terror forever.”

Yeah, yeah — we all know the told over and over story. [Insert yawn here] And they could’ve tightened up the movie’s title by calling it, Wrathula.

BURNT PORTRAITS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“One night after hosting a party of influencers, one of the singers from the party awakens in the basement studio of a painter. Despite the unusual situation and the differences between the two, they form a sort of connection. However, once the singer tries to leave, things take a creepy turn in an already weird situation.”

I host parties all the time for influencers: Budweiser™, Jack Daniels™, Tequila™, Louis XIII™ cognac — and Goofy Grape™ powdered drink mix…to cleanse the palate. 

BAKEMONO / Release pending crowdfunding (2023/2024)

“A gruesome creature waits for unsuspecting victims in a cheap Tokyo rental apartment.”

Gruesome creature = landlord. Heh. This one is said to feature all practical FX and no CGI and told out-of-order like Memento (2000) and Pulp Fiction (1994). FYI: I’ve been living my life out-of-order like a broken vending machine.