Archive for trauma

Soulless Hamburgers, Evil Churches, Infected Farmers

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burger King Halloween

I usually don’t get gooned out by stuff I’ve seen in movies. But in real life, stand back — barf-o-rama. In this case, the spew-inducing instigator is the new black Halloween hamburgers from McDonald’s™ and Burger King™ in Japan. The Mickey D’s hockey pucks have squid ink dyed hamburger buns. Whereas the Burger King buns sport not only a charcoal-esque pallor but black cheese as well. I just felt my throat contract.

McDonald's Halloween

Japan’s squid ink burger will set you back 370 yen, which translates to $3.40 U.S. bit coins/paper route money. This does not include tar milkshakes or burnt shoestring fries.

Burger King Halloween

The Burger KingBlack Ninja Burger actually has two spin-offs (or “sequels”): the Kuro Diamond and Kuro Pearl, which feature not just black buns, but slices of cheese and a tangy sauce that look dark enough to come from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

Both hell-spawn sandwiches are available now if you live in Japan. For those of us not adventurous enough to stick one of those things in our collective black holes, will just have to settle for these just released and upcoming (and hopefully digestible) horror and sci-fi movies…

Scaler, Dark Spirit

SCALER, DARK SPIRIT (available now/VOD)
“A paranormal researcher is given video footage that reveals clues to an ancient evil residing in catacombs beneath the old city church.”

Reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness (1987), wherein a college theoretic physics team and professor with one squint-y eye investigates a sentient, swirly green liquid in a large glass mayonnaise jar in the basement of an old Catholic church. It turns out to be wet Satan, but those with a degree at first deduce it to be a septic tank for the church’s unholy leavings. Close.

Trauma

TRAUMA (2017)
“Four friends visit a rural locality of Chile, are brutally attacked by a man and his son. After not finding help in the town, they decide to confront these men with the help of a pair of policemen. But in this way, they will discover that their attackers have in their blood the direct legacy of the darkest period of Chilean history and will have to face the most brutal enemy.”

Try not to confuse this Trauma with about, oh, a dozen other movies with the same title, dating back to the ancient days of 1993. So you can watch this and have a bowl of Chile. Or not watch it and have a bowl of chili. Without beans.

3 Hours Till Dead

3 HOURS TILL DEAD (available now/VOD)
“An AWOL soldier with PTSD goes into hiding along with his brother and a few friends. They retreat into a rural farm area unaware that the outside world has ceased to function. On their way back to civilization, his brother is attacked by an infected farmer. He quickly morphs into a rabid animal and lives for exactly three hours. Realizing they are in grave danger, they head back to the forest trying to outlive the legions of the infected.”

This may have come out in the year 2016 on some sort of physical media, but these are things I know not of which I speak. That spoken, the be attacked by an infected, rabid farmer is not new. With all the chicken/cow/pig/horse dropping farmers get on their hands and then rub their eyes (probably due to hay fever), it’s a wonder we’re all not infected from the farm food those guys handle without using convenient moist towelettes and anti-bacterial soap from a push button dispenser. Still, a zombie farmer — that’s kinda neat.

Dead Body

DEAD BODY (2018)
“Several friends decide to celebrate their high school graduation at a lake house in the woods. One of the classmates recommends that they play the old-fashioned game of Dead Body. In the game, one player is ‘the body,’ one player is ‘the killer’ and all of the other players try to figure out whodunit. Unfortunately, on this particular night, the game ends up featuring a real-life killer. The bodies begin piling up and, in an ‘Agatha Christie And Then There Were None’ style mystery, the survivors are forced to figure out who the killer is amongst them — before there is no one left standing.”

This one’s been banging around the film festival circuit since 2015. Still, sounds like the classic board game Clue (called Cluedo in the UK), which first came out in 1949. I don’t think that one had a real-life killer in it, though. Those guys cheat all the time.

Dogged by Man-Dog

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mongrel

Jerry is having nightmares, which is like a tummy ache in your head. He keeps dreaming that he’s a rabid man-dog, chewing up his fellow temp tenants of the slummy boarding house. Then he wakes up, only to find a few baorders have chewed up like postman-flavored Milk Bones™.

Mongrel

The nightmares began after he sees one of the tenants teasing the landlord’s dog, Sir Barks-a-Lot. (Actually, that’s not really the pup’s name, but it fits as he won’t quit yapping.)  The dog breaks loose and goes for the pot roast that is the guy’s neck. The dog is shot for not finishing his dinner. This clearly upsets Jerry, thus the traumares (trauma nightmares).

Mongrel

There’s a cute gal who leads him on, yet won’t fill his dog dish with some lovin’, if you catch my drift. There’s also a couple of bully asshooks who accidentally kill one of the boarders during a joke gone bad. So much for Ken’s ‘80s blow-dried hair, mid-western affable good looks and J.C. Pennys’ briefs. (He was electrocuted after being shocked awake, knocked over a discount lamp, which landed in a puddle of water from a shattered vase. I guess those flowers might’ve been used for his funeral, except everyone decides to cover up the killing and buries him without ceremony. So much for tradition. And this goons out  Jerry even more.

Mongrel

In dude-dog form, Jerry growls like an empty stomach and goes on a biting spree. Before he can make dinner out of the cute gal that won’t put it on the floor for him (to be fair, she did give him a back rub earlier, sending signals that there was an open road to romance ahead), the cranky, rifle-toting landlord shows up and has an Old Yeller moment with Jerry.

Mongrel

Mongrel (1982) is so bad and low-budget, the actors — starring Mitch Pileggi (The X-Files’ Agent Skinner) in his movie debut — probably paid the director to be in it. Thought this one was gonna be a werewolf movie, but it was not. Watching it ended up being the first time a dog put a human to sleep.

Spoiled Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Julia

Julia, a grisly, revenge-type horror movie, premiered 2014 at Screamfest. This accounts for all the online reviews/spoilers. Thanks a lot, jerkwads.

And while I now know everything that happens in the movie via those reviews and trailer, I guess there’s no reason to rent the movie when it releases to theaters on October 23, 2015. But for those of you intrigued enough to keep reading, here’s the movie’s press quip:

Julia

Julia is a neo-noir revenge thriller centering on Julia Shames, who after suffering a brutal trauma, falls prey to an unorthodox form of therapy to restore herself.”

You already know what this “form of therapy” is, even without me spoiling it for you the way the early reviews spoiled it for me.

Julia

Man, I really want to wreck it for everyone. Not this time, though. My online anger management courses must be kicking in. $4.99 well spent.