Wrestling With Horror, Vengeful Vampire, Rent-Collecting Monster

The Santos Sisters are comic book siblings who are turned into spicy superheroes after discovering a medallion that imbues them with spiciness. After gaining their powers, the Santos Sisters take on a variety snack pack of paranormal and, by nature, malevolent behavior inclined foes. And now you can vicariously experience life in their lucha wrestling masks with the release of the 48-page Santos Sisters Halloween Special comic book releasing October 18, 2023 by Floating World Publishing™. The cost? Why $6.66, of course!  

Setting the stage: “Ambar and Alana — the Santos Sisters — have magical powers. They’ve faced all sorts of supernatural threats in their hometown of Las Brisas. But this Halloween, a new evil is lurking in the shadows, and its not afraid to show itself. When the Santos Sisters are attacked by a group of masked figures, they know they need help. Luckily, their friends Cassie and Vlad, Mercy Sparx and the Gutt Ghost are all in town for the holiday.”

Unable to confirm if the Santos Sisters are related to El Santo — the legendary Mexican luchador enmascarado (“masked professional wrestler”), actor and folk hero, who appeared in 54 movies (and a series of massively popular comic books), battling vampires, werewolves, zombies, mad scientists, and even Dracula’s sister. And this is after pro wrestling matches with the Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras, Superzan, and the Wrestling Women. Maybe El Santo is their mother’s sister’s uncle.

So while we all rip the couch cushions apart for enough bit coin to buy/purchase the Santos Sisters Halloween Special comic book, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature breathtaking wrestling segments…

ISLAND ESCAPE / August 4, 2023 (Limited Theaters), August 8, 2023 (VOD)

“After a mysterious accident at a research camp on the Isle of Gran Manan, a CEO hires a team of blue-collar mercenaries to extract his daughter, a scientist working at the camp.”

Not enough to go on here. What were they researching on an island camp — AI monkey butlers? Shark-resistant tanning lotion? Tactical “beach-sand-in-the-butt-crack” dispersement systems? All of these, by the way, would make for a better plot. 

THE WRATH OF DRACULA / August 23, 2023 (VOD)

“The year is 1897. When her husband Jonathan disappears after traveling from England to Transylvania at the behest of the mysterious Count Dracula, Mina Harker journeys to Transylvania to find him. Upon her arrival, she finds a decimated village and one Van Helsing, who is hunting Count Dracula. Van Helsing begins training Mina in the art of vampire slaying, and the unlikely duo set off to rescue Jonathan from the Count and his brides and end Dracula’s reign of terror forever.”

Yeah, yeah — we all know the told over and over story. [Insert yawn here] And they could’ve tightened up the movie’s title by calling it, Wrathula.

BURNT PORTRAITS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“One night after hosting a party of influencers, one of the singers from the party awakens in the basement studio of a painter. Despite the unusual situation and the differences between the two, they form a sort of connection. However, once the singer tries to leave, things take a creepy turn in an already weird situation.”

I host parties all the time for influencers: Budweiser™, Jack Daniels™, Tequila™, Louis XIII™ cognac — and Goofy Grape™ powdered drink mix…to cleanse the palate. 

BAKEMONO / Release pending crowdfunding (2023/2024)

“A gruesome creature waits for unsuspecting victims in a cheap Tokyo rental apartment.”

Gruesome creature = landlord. Heh. This one is said to feature all practical FX and no CGI and told out-of-order like Memento (2000) and Pulp Fiction (1994). FYI: I’ve been living my life out-of-order like a broken vending machine.

Heavy Metal, Masked Wrestling and Horror Fun

Burned out on big money horror movies that almost kinda sorta maybe pay off? Not me, as I’m an easily entertained suckhead – whoooo!

But if you don’t fall into that category (my name’s at the top of the list), then you might wanna rev your engines for these new indies sliding down the horror tube: Deathgasm and El Gigante. Both have cool names, filmed on a budget that wouldn’t cover a Happy Meal™ and a lot of zing AND zest.

Here’s what you absolutely need to know right now…

Deathgasm: “Bruce and Denny are into ear shattering Death Metal, setting fire to things and avoiding personal hygiene products. Tired of getting rejected by girls and being bullied mercilessly, they set about trying to utilize black magic to reverse their fortunes. They stumble upon an ancient page of sheet music and attempt to play it in their garage band, they unwittingly summon an ancient evil entity known as The Blind One, who threatens to tear apart existence itself.”

Intriguing, especially the “avoiding personal hygiene products” part.

And from the brains that brought us The Evil Dead in 60 Seconds, comes El Giagante, a film short that combines Lucha Libre (Masked Mexican wrestling) with cannibalism. I smell a pay-per-view coming on: “After attempting to cross the US/Mexico border in search of a better life, Armando awakens in an unknown room, his body broken down and a Lucha Libre mask sewn into his neck. He attempts to escape, but is surrounded by a sadistic family, who watch him with hungry eyes. The only chance for Armando’s survival in this hellish nightmare is to survive a wrestling match against the most terrifying villain of all: GIGANTE!”

So there you go – two choices to get you out of your horror genre rut, a place I happily wallow in. Wallow is such a cool word.

Putting Science In A Mexican Headlock

If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to become a scientist, you may as well hit the gas and turn into a mad one. Be all you can be.

And like all mad scientists, at the top the Doc’s “things to transplant today” list is taking the brains from young women and putting them in different fruit baskets. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

While it would be another two decades before Dr. Moreau would perfect this technique, the mad medical man employs a half-man/half gorilla upgrade named Gomar (cool name) to help him procure the brains of women pro wrestlers, the reasoning being that pro wrestler brains are smarter. (The regular chick brains were deemed too dumb, which is why the experiments always ended in death by dying.)

As intellectually superior as the Doc is, he probably shouldn’t have used the brains of one of the women wrestler’s sister. I feel a pay-per-view coming on. While we’re not privy to exposed particulate matter and head gunk, we do get to see the lady wrestlers in pajamas and nighties fend off kidnapping attempts. I felt this was necessary to the plot.

Doctor of Doom/1962 (aka, The Wrestling Women vs. the Murderous Doctor), is another whiz bang chapter in the exciting sci-fi/horror/pro wrestling genre pioneered by Santo (aka, El Santo, aka The Saint), Mexico’s lucha libre savior/superhero from the day he was born in 1917 until he assumed his place on Mt. Olympus in 1984.

I’d totally go out with a female pro wrestler, because I’m attracted to chicks with brains that are enriched with smart ingredients.