Archive for Budweiser

Horror Icon, Sci-Fi God, Native American Ghosts

Posted in Aliens, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

In place of my usual incitefully snarky (ahem) blog entry intro, I’d like to express my saddened thoughts on the recent, untimely passing of legendary horror filmmaker George A. Romero, 77, who was inarguably the father of the contemporary zombie movie genre.

George, as you should know, was the man behind the timeless and rule-breaking Night of the Living Dead back in 1968. He went on to make such VHS stand-outs as The Crazies (1973), Dawn of the Dead (1978), and The Dark Half (1993), as well as more zombie legacy movies. George, you are, and will continue to be, greatly missed.

Here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may not be missed. Or may.

God Particle

GOD PARTICLE (October 27, 2017)
“A team of astronauts aboard a space station find themselves alone after a scientific experiment involving a particle accelerator makes the Earth vanish. When a space shuttle appears, the space station crew must fight for survival following their horrible discovery.”

The Internet (or “the biggest toilet in the matrix) is claiming this is the third installment of the sorta Cloverfield series. I sure the f-word hope so, as I had more than a few questions after the sorta sequel 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). A few, though, had been answered by some rather impressive researched clues on YouTube™ that connects Cloverfield (2009) and the second flick-o-rama, with 10 Cloverfield Lane’s Howard Stambler (played by the awesome John Goodman) being the connecting link. (Crap — and all this time I thought it was the aliens.)

Wikipedia™ has this to say about that: “The first hints God Particle was connected to the Cloverfield brand came when a piece of the viral marketing for 10 Cloverfield Lane included a sound clip that was supposedly from the International Space Station.”

Rather than use up your vision with my half-assed summation, get on YouTube™ and pull up Cloverfield; you’ll be amazed — and aghast — that someone would spend so much time digging for very deep clues/answers. The only thing I research are bar stools.

Akuma

AKUMA (2017)
Akira Tanaka, a young and attractive but emotionally damaged Japanese woman moves to the United States to escape a past marked by tragedy. She moves in with her sister Hana and her new husband Adam, hoping to leave her demons behind and start a new life. But as Akira’s behavior grows increasingly erratic and strange disturbances mark the night, Akira is forced to reveal her real reason for coming: to flee the malevolent spirit that has been tormenting her since childhood…and which appears to have followed her here.”
Mohawk

MOHAWK (2017/2018)
“After one of her tribe sets an American soldiers’ camp ablaze, a young female Mohawk finds herself pursued by a ruthless band of renegades bent on revenge. Fleeing deep into the woods, Mohawk youths Oak and Calvin confront the bloodthirsty Colonel Holt and his soldiers. As the Americans seem to close in from all sides, the trio must summon every resource — both real and supernatural — as the brutal attack escalates.”

Man, I wish I could summon supernatural resources. First, I’d have them get me a Frisko Freeze™ burger, just to clear my mind. Then, I’d have them build me an in-ground swimming pool. And once they bring me a case of Budweiser™, I’d float in my new in-ground swimming pool and drink it all and, in a hazy state, would unleash utter Heck on Earth. And have another Frisko Freeze™ burger.

The Six Billion Dollar Man

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN (2018)
Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming action adventure — The Six Billion Dollar Man — is an upgrade of the 1970s TV series The Six Million Dollar Man.”

Yeesh — that’s quite a price increase. Who do they think they are — Seattle landlords?

Some might remember the 1974 ABC series, starring Lee Majors as Col. Steve Austin, who had a near fatal car ka-BOOM and taxpayers funded his bionic arms, legs (and everything else that dangled) with hi-techery. Two things I remember from that TV show, which also spun-off The Bionic Woman in 1976. (She was rebuilt after a skydiving accident made her go splat.) First, Col. Austin always seemed to be wearing a red track suit. Unfashionable in any decade. Secondly, was that weirdly cool science-y reverb noise — sounding like a snapped bed spring — that happened every time he did something with his bionic add-ons. It’s available as a ringtone in case you want to be retro chic.

A Handful of Bad Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on June 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stalking Hand: A Scary Movie

It wasn’t the rummage sale special effects, under cooked attempts at humor or the excruciatingly slow pace of Stalking Hand: A Scary Movie (2006) that made me so upset. It was one of the lead actor chicks PRETENDING to drink a Budweiser™.

Stalking Hand: A Scary Movie

Every bottle she “swilled” from was friggin’ EMPTY. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Why would someone go to all the trouble of pretending to drink make-believe beer? It would’ve been better for everyone to have had a few under the belt as this intentionally humorous spoof is as flat as an Amstel Light™.

Stalking Hand: A Scary Movie

Fortunately, the virginal daughter of a minister whose top gets ripped off and her bra-less chestral area exposed is not flat. (Note: the titular severed hand that keeps popping up is sometimes a severed arm. So much for continuity OR believability.)

I think the producers were going for cheap laughs, but it was probably more funny to the crew. However, there is NOTHING funny about not drinking beer.

Vampires, Drugs, Human Dogs

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aaron's Blood

Growing up reading comic books (before they were called “graphic novels” and charging adult money for ’em), the superheroes ALWAYS went to great lengths to keep their secret identity secret. Not so on the lightweight but still entertaining TV shows The Flash, Arrow and Supergirl — there are dozens of people who know who they are in non-hero mode and what they do when they take their crime fighting uniforms off.

Each of these superheroes better hope I don’t move to one of their cities and go all loose lip after sipping a casual 10 Budweisers™. Then again, I have need for someone with meta-human skills, so maybe we could work something out. You scratch my cape, I’ll scratch yours.

That said, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require 10 relaxing Budweisers™ to enjoy…

AARON’S BLOOD (June 2, 2017)
“Aaron copes with his new life as a single father and the distant relationship he shares with his only child Tate. A timid hemophiliac, Tate is roughed up at school by the chief bully causing a massive nosebleed that lands him in the hospital fighting for his life. He makes a miraculous recovery after a necessary blood transfusion, but Aaron begins to notice progressively strange behaviors in his son. Faced with the grim possibility that his son could be becoming a vampire, Aaron enlists the help of a local vampire hunter and embarks on a frantic search to find the source of the infection to stop the transformation before it’s too late.”

That’d suck up one side and down the other to get a nosebleed that pretty much drains your entire body of the good stuff. As for the tainted blood transfusion, becoming a vampire because of it should be the least of your worries; blood donors are well-known disease factories. I heartedly recommend drinking adult beverages to cleanse the blood supply. Like Clorox Wipes™ the alcohol content alone can kill off most pathogens, supernatural or otherwise.

The Bad Batch

THE BAD BATCH (June 23, 2017)
“Arlen is unceremoniously dumped in a Texas wasteland fenced off from civilized society. While trying to orient her unforgiving environment, she’s captured by a savage band of cannibals and quickly realizes she’ll have to fight her way through her new reality. As Arlen adjusts to life in ‘the bad batch’ she discovers that being good or bad mostly depends on who you’re standing next to.”

The Bad Batch has been described as “a savage dystopian cannibal fairy tale set in a Texas wasteland where society’s rejects are just trying to make ends meat.” That’s pretty dang gosh darn funny. I know — language. Sometimes I resort to gutter speak to get my point across. Apologies. Couple things — this is a semi-big budget movie with legit big names. Secondly, since when did cannibals become mainstream? What’s next — slashers working at the local butcher store? Sometimes I just don’t get this gosh danged (I know, swear jar) world we live in.

Woodshock

WOODSHOCK (2017)
“A woman falls deeper into paranoia after taking a deadly drug.”

So your red flags didn’t go up prior to the great idea of taking a deadly drug? You’ve got bigger problems than deep paranoia. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Bitch

BITCH (2017)
“Jill, a lonely, distraught housewife with four unruly children, paces on her dining room table with a belt around her neck, contemplating a desperate end to her wretchedness. Her husband, Bill, focused on his identity as breadwinner and an affair with a lusty co-worker, is as oblivious to Jill’s growing terror that she will do something destructive as he is to the panic at his unraveling company. Meanwhile, dogs bark and howl through the night, as one persistent mutt continually stalks the family’s yard. When Jill’s psyche finally breaks, she takes on a vicious new canine persona.”

A woman mood swings herself into becoming a dog? Hold your Lassie jokes — this could actually be fun/funny. Really hoping she doesn’t get the urge to sniff butts and…I should probably stop talking.

Superheroes, Godzilla, Chick Monsters and Dirty Harry

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Eyes

Spent all morning trying to get my hair to goon out like Giorgio Tsoukalos on the Ancient Aliens TV series. That guy has some serious follicle action goin’ on. My attempt to replicate and emulate didn’t turn out so well. Looks like I won’t be leaving my apartment until the lacquer wears off.

In the meantime, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi to make your hair stand on end…

THE EYES (April 7, 2017)
“Six strangers with unspeakable pasts wake up imprisoned in an abandoned warehouse and discover they are being forced to participate in an evil governmental experiment.  Five must die. One can live. And they have two hours to decide amongst themselves who survives. The clock is ticking and if they don’t decide…they ALL die.”

Overused plot #37. And being forced to participate in an evil government experiment? Well, heck — that’s called life. And The Eyes needs to get one.

Justice League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Fueled by his restored faith in humanity and inspired by Superman’s selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists newfound ally Diana Prince to face an even greater threat. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes — Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash — it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.”

The new trailers for Justice League has everybody frothing in their britches. (Mine were bubbling over every since the first Wonder Woman trailer.) DC, a little late to the superhero gang game, is nevertheless pulling out all stops to make JL a box office barn burner. And with footage of Wonder Woman changing into her costume, it should be.

Not sure why they included the semi-obscure Cyborg over Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. But hey, they didn’t include me either as Yell Man. Super powers include expressing myself in hippie-scattering levels, planking upside down on the couch and staring at the TV without blinking for days on end. Abilities become more intense after powering up with a mystical potion (Budweiser™).

Godzilla — Monster Planet

GODZILLA — MONSTER PLANET (November, 2017/Netflix™)
Haruo, who saw his parents killed by Godzilla in front of his eyes when he was 4 years old, had only one thing in his mind for 20 years: to return to the Earth and defeat Godzilla. Shut out from the possibility of emigration, as the living environment in the ship deteriorates, the group of ‘Earth Returnists’ led by Haruo became the majority, and determines to head back to Earth through a dangerous long-distance hyperspace navigation. However, the Earth they have returned to has already passed the time of 20,000 years, and has become an unknown world with the ecosystem reigned by Godzilla.”

This one’s animated (i.e., cartoon). Still, it’s God-freakin’-zilla, man. I’ll take him in any form — except wood. A wooden Godzilla would probably burn his own tongue off when breathalyzing his radioactive flame belch. (Clams have that same effect on me for some reason.)

Lifeform

LIFEFORM (2017)
Hadrian Beckett, a molecular biologist working to bring his wife, Samantha, back from a brain dead state, creates transgenic super stem cells that are capable of repairing cellular damage. The cells save Samantha’s life, but Hadrian and Sam discover that she is slowly being transformed into a creature of pure instinct, one that is able to alter the shape of its body at will. Hadrian must find a cure before her sense of identity is completely subsumed by the beast within her.”

Not to be confused with the 1996 sci-fi movie of the same name. Then again the plot feels like a reworking of Deadly Friend (1986) with notes of Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993). So Samantha is turning into a creature of pure instinct and… The next words out of my mouth could get me in big trouble with every woman on the planet.

Maniac Cop

MANIAC COP (2018)
“A determined female cop sets out to reveal the truth after the LAPD attempts a cover up when innocent people are brutally murdered on the streets by a uniformed police officer.”

Maniac Cops

A remake. Before it: Maniac Cop/1988, Maniac Cop 2/1990, Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence/1993, all of which takes their lead from 1973’s Magnum Force starring the ultimate maniac (in a good way) cop, Dirty Harry.

Magnum Force

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Savageland

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

Here Alone

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

Castlevania

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

Crepitus

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

Eat Locals

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.

Demon Clowns, Amphibious Monsters, Hippie Bongs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Bong: 666

Looking into Lotto™ strategies to become financially self-sustained so I can watch horror/sci-fi movies as my “day job” without ever having to put pants on to make a living. Any tips, lucky numbers or insider info would be much appreciated.

Here’s four upcoming new ones headed my/your way. Pants not required.

EVIL BONG: 666 (April 20, 2017)
“When a brutal blood sacrifice opens a portal to Hell, Eebee and The Gingerdead Man are returned to Earth. But his trip to Hell has driven Gingerdead even more insane, and unless someone can stop his murderous cookie-cuttin’ rampage he’s gonna ruin Eebee’s plans for world domination. In a last-minute fit of inspiration Eebee channels her inner Dr. Frankenstein and creates The Gingerweed Man! A tiny, cobbled together monster made from the greatest strains of weed on earth, this little killer is ready to get high with a little help from his friends!”

Not a fan of stoner horror because the only way to enjoy it is to be stoned. I prefer a nice carafe of Budweiser™ or a snifter of paint thinner hooch to augment my horror movie experiences. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Clowntergeist

CLOWNTERGEIST (2017)
“Emma, a college student with a crippling fear of clowns, must come face to face with her worst fear when an evil spirit in the body of a clown is summoned, terrorizing the town she calls home. One by one Emma and her friends receive a balloon with the exact time and date of when it will appear to kill them written on it. After receiving her balloon, Emma realizes that she has two days left to live, and must fight against the clock to find a way to survive.”

Makes sense that a demon-possessed clown would use balloons to get his point across. Personally, I’d go with one of those cool, honking squeezy horns. That tends to get people’s attention, especially in restrooms. And they just sound so funny.

Cold Skin

COLD SKIN (2017)
“On the edge of the Antarctic Circle a ship approaches a desolate island far from all shipping lanes. On board is a young man, on his way to assume the post of weather observer, to live in solitude at the end of the earth. But on shore he finds no trace of the man whom he has been sent to replace, just a deranged castaway who has witnessed a horror he refuses to name. The young man will soon realize that with each night comes an army of humanoid killer amphibians.”

This one sounds cool. But it does beg the question of why humanoid killer amphibians would seek out a meager food source at the ends of the Earth when we have so many all-you-can-eat beach buffets around here. Just ask any shark — surfers are basically crunchy seals.

Demon Hole

DEMON HOLE (2017)
“A fracking crew drills on sacred Native American land unleashing an ancient demon. Six teens have to serve community service in the remote forest where the demon is lurking. They find themselves trapped in a realm of illusions with plenty of marijuana, an abandoned cabin, dark caves, endless woods, and temptation. There are only two ways out of these woods — succumb to the demon or die.”

Note to ancient demon: Please don’t let those fracking teens out of the woods. And if you need more, we’ll ship ‘em to you, no charge. Just like having an Amazon Prime™ account.

2015 Horror: Best of the Worst

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Worst Horror Movies of 2015

Movie commentary website ScreenRant.com recently posted their 12 Worst Horror Movies of 2015 list. They totally stole my idea, along with every other horror movie blog in existence. I feel mildly violated.

But rather than let it ruin my refreshing alcoholic beverage, here’s ScreentRant.com’s smack down along with my think tank thinkings on the subject(s). [Note: ScreenRant.com’s article, written by Scout Tafoya, is really quite good, accurate and well-researched – just the opposite of anything you’ll get outta me until I start getting paid to do this.]

From last to first…

Monsters: Dark Continent

12. MONSTERS: DARK CONTINENT
What it is: The sequel to Monsters (2010) wherein the title beasts have infected the Middle East where there’s already a war going on. Nice timing, stupid space creatures.
What SR said: “The monsters (admittedly still beautiful in design) are glimpsed from the sideline of the action and never meaningfully interact with the interchangeable leads.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Monsters: Dark Continent is two movies – military guys dealing with the horror of war, and military guys dealing with the horror of giant ick monsters. M:DC needed to pick a lane and drive in it as the two conflicts conflict with each other. Kinda like drinking a Budweiser™ and a Miller Genuine Draft™ at the same time. In theory it works, but it just doesn’t once the tops get popped. Still, the monsters are outrageously cool, especially that Mt. Everest sized one at the end.

Knock Knock

11. KNOCK KNOCK
What it is: Two hot “stranded” chicks show up at a married guy’s house, get naked and entice him to stain his marriage vows. Then they try to permanently divorce him before his wife gets home.
What SR said: “As repugnant as it is arrogant, Knock Knock is a lose lose.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Did not see this one. Read some reviews, though. Not sure it qualifies as a horror movie in the traditional sense. Maybe if everyone wore a hockey mask…

The Green Inferno

10. THE GREEN INFERNO
What it is: Severely annoying student activists travel from New York City to the Amazon to save the Rain Forest. When their plane crashes in said foreign foliage, cannibals show up to invite them to/as dinner.
What SR said: “Cheaply made, obnoxiously written and not even half as extreme as it thinks it is, Green Inferno is an insult to the cannibal films of the ’70s it pays tribute to.”
What I think doesn’t matter: What they said. Embarrassing and irritating, GI, while filled with insides being turned outside, it’s really hard to get past what ScreenRant accurately calls “colossally stupid stereotypes.” Ironically, my complaint is with the cannibals – it took them one hour and forty-one minutes to finish their meal.

Into The Grizzly Maze

9. INTO THE GRIZZLY MAZE
What it is: A freakishly intelligent (and bottomless hungry) grizzly bear turns actors into bit parts.
What SR said: “The bear of the title is a mess of bad CGI effects and behaves conspicuously more like Jason Voorhees rather than a wild animal.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Yep. Though I will point out that the bear doesn’t just attack humans – it stalks and then rips them apart like jungle taffy. That’s what bears in horror movies are supposed to do.

Back Country

8. BACKCOUNTRY
What it is: Vacationing campers are attacked and made into shredded meat by a bear of all things.
What SR said: “A couple of bland people for a weekend retreat to a wilderness trail that’s been closed for the season. That doesn’t stop them or a killer black bear from roaming around anyway. The kids get lost and it takes the bear entirely too long to show up and start chewing on hamstrings.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Mostly just fast-forwarding to the hamstring chewing action. Everything else was a waste of valuable drinking time.

Shark Lake

7. SHARK LAKE
What it is: A black-market exotic species dealer unleashes a shark in Lake Tahoe where it chews out the swimmers.
What SR said: “No professional actors, terrible special effects, a sixteenth of the budget and lots of hilariously awful dialogue. Shark Lake will make you laugh an awful lot.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Every since Sharknado (2013), the ocean’s most feared apex predator has been rendered to a bad comedy punchline. And Shark Lake shamelessly gets in the feeding frenzy and continues the mockery. Note to Shark Lake filmmakers: Why don’t you dangle an errant limb in the ocean? Then we’ll see who’s laughing.

Poltergeist

6. POLTERGEIST
What it is: An inferior remake of 1982’s superior Poltergeist
What SR said: “No one needed another Poltergeist; The monsters have a sort of evocative menace to them in their ten seconds of screen time, but when they’re represented by 3D screw bits and vomit fantasies, they’re a touch less formidable.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Just the thought of redoing Poltergeist is far more horrifying than the movie turned out to be. Hollywood must need the cash. P.S. “Vomit fantasies” – heh.

Burying The Ex

5. BURYING THE EX
What it is: A guy’s dead nagging girlfriend comes back from the grave and wants to continue their relationship. A guy’s worst day and nightmare.
What SR said: “Crazy sexist and smug, Burying The Ex is unquestionably [director] Joe Dante’s worst film.”
What I think doesn’t matter: ScreenRant may have missed the point – Burying The Ex is a comedy and supposed to be crazy sexist and smug. And hey, funny naked and horny fat guy to help keep things swingin’.

The Lazarus Effect

4. THE LAZARUS EFFECT
What it is: Medical researchers discover a way to bring animals/people back from the dead. For commercial applications, of course.
What SR said: “There isn’t a scare in the whole film and it loses steam right around the time it starts offing cast members, the film’s equivalent of shrugging its shoulders when it runs out of ideas.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Horror snobs not unlike myself recognize Lazarus as pilfering Flatliners (1990) and Pet Sematary (1989). In other words, nothing new here. That said, when was anyone ever brought back from being dead and not all f’d up in the brain hole?

Maggie

3. MAGGIE
What it is: A Midwest small town girl is infected with a virus that’s slowly turning her (and select others) into a zombie. Living in a Midwest small town does the same thing.
What SR said: “The filmmakers never quite figured out when this experience starts benefiting anyone crazy enough to watch a low-budget Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Take away his explosions and he’s lost without a map.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Casting Arnold Schwarzenegger with his famous Austrian accent as a Midwest farmer was a big pitchfork in the rump. Arnie doesn’t say much in this one, but when he does he stands out like a sore cow. His job, though, is to keep the authorities from moving his slowly rotting zombie teen daughter to a containment camp where they never come back because they just can’t. Maggie moves really s-l-o-w and there’s no brain eating. But I did like the last two minutes where she finally goes through zombie puberty and…

Harbinger Down  2. HARBINGER DOWN
What it is: Mutated monsters get defrosted from Russian space junk at the bottom of the Bering Sea – and their first food order is grad students on a fishing trawler. Zazdarovje!
What SR said:Harbinger Down could have used a few rewrites, a better cast, and a sense of purpose beyond its creepy crawly.”
What I think doesn’t matter: I’m a total sucker for giant monster movies. And it’s always a gratifying experience to see nauseating grad students being eaten by said giant monsters. You know what I say? Go giant monsters!

The Pack

1. THE PACK
What it is: Man’s best friend turns Man’s best leg into a chew toy.
What SR said: “These dogs are just too cuddly and never look like they want anything more than belly rubs and behind-the-ear scratches.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Didn’t see The Pack. But I did see it in 1983 when it was called Cujo.