Box Set Ghost, India Werewolf, Demon Blackmail

Fans of J-horror will make leakage in their kimono over the definitive box set compilation of Ju-On: The Grudge, Japan’s landmark upset ghost franchise. Releasing December 19, 2022, the five-disc set, with a metric ton of extras, sells for $70.00 fun bucks (or 10,417.00 yen), though you can find it $10.00 cheaper on sale if you’d just put in the time to dig around. Click HERE to see all the ingredients.

What’s that you say? You don’t know what Ju-On is? Prepare to be educated via their press release: “Ju-On is the name given to a deadly curse spawned when someone dies in the grip of a violent rage. All who come into contact with it are doomed. Collected together for the first time, writer-director Takashi Shimizu’s Ju-On: The Grudge series represents the flesh-crawling pinnacle of Japanese chillers that swept the globe at the turn of the millennium.”

“The films introduce the anonymous family house in the suburbs of Tokyo where an unspeakable evil lingers alongside its residents, the ghastly mother-son pairing of Kayoko and Toshio Saeki. Shimizu’s disconcerting approach to plotting, unnerving eye for the uncanny details in the dark corners of the frame and an innate talent for effective jump scares so impressed Evil Dead director Sam Raimi that he invited the director to helm two Hollywood remakes.”

So while you go online to buy the box set, which contains all the Grudge movies and has the same long black stringy haired white faced demon ghost in every one of ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you want to fashionably style your stringy hair…

DEMONS AT DAWN / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“A retired hitman is blackmailed into taking one last job. However, during his mission, he uncovers a satanic cult that uses human sacrifice to summon demons.”

Human sacrifice seems so ancient Inca. Why can’t satanic cults just summon demons using Facebook™ like everybody else?

BHEDIYA / November 25, 2022 (Theaters)

“Bhaskar gets bitten by a mythical wolf and begins to transform into a creature himself. In order to find answers about his condition and turn himself back into a human he must then team with a group of ragtag buddies before it’s too late.”

This one’s being billed as India’s very first creature comedy. About time, geez. A preview said “Bhediya essentially looks like Bollywood’s answer to An American Werewolf in London.” Better title: A Mumbai Werewolf in India.

MEAN-SPIRITED /Pending release, 2023

“A wannabe YouTuber™ who set out to bury the hatchet with his celebrity friend, just to find out that he is not quite himself anymore.”

A wanna be YouTuber™. That’s like being hired to be the assistant to the guy who just got promoted from janitor to cashier at Kinkos™.

DON’T COME BACK ALIVE / Pending release, 2022/2023

“Police officer Camila, criminal prosecutor Fátima, and police detective Ángel, are used to face extremely dangerous situations, gruesome murder cases and evil criminals. During an operation in a dangerous area, they have an encounter with a female albino figure in a suicide-by-immolation ritual. This being, more powerful than death itself, is here to play with them a wicked game.”

So by going up in flames, you turn yourself into something more powerful than an overheated lava lamp itself? You set the bar way too low, man.

Giant Food, Old West Werewolves, That ’80s Critter

In the ensuing rush to cash in on all things Godzilla and his new movie (I seemed to have forgotten the title), now comes the 1961 release of Mothra on Blu-ray™ (July 9, 2019/Mill Creek Entertainment) for the first time in North America. I have the original DVD/VHS/Betamax versions drunk purchased from eBay™/Japan, so a Blu-ray version isn’t gonna have me grabbin’ for my coin purse any time soon.

If you haven’t seen Mothra, the world’s biggest butterfly, here’s the plottage: “Following reports of human life on Infant Island, the supposedly deserted site of atomic bomb tests, an international expedition to the heavily-radiated island discovers a native tribe and tiny twin female fairies called ‘Shobijin’ who guard a sacred egg. The overzealous expedition leader kidnaps the Shobijin to exhibit in a Tokyo stage show but soon they summon their protector, hatching the egg and releasing a giant caterpillar. When Mothra arrives in Japan and finally transforms into the ultimate beast, impervious to modern weapons, the nation and its people face their destruction.”

The first time you see the Mothra egg wash up on the beach, try and guess how many omelets it could make. (I figured it out — it’s one. But you’ll need a frying pan about the size of a football field in which to cook it. And you’re gonna need a LOT of salt and pepper. Silverware? Screw that — just cannonball right into the middle of that gooey sucker!) 

Before we sit down to a Godzilla-sized breakfast, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as a gigantic sacred egg…

HIGH MOON (May 14, 2019)
“Colt — a gunslinging werewolf slayer from the old west — mysteriously rises from the grave, only to find that the band of werewolves that brutally murdered his wife are still running rampant generations later. Aided by a beautiful widow, a skeptical town sheriff  and a corrupt Mayor, Colt must face off with the bloodthirsty creatures once again to save a sleepy southern town from destruction.”

Seems to me they should’ve gone with Wolf Cop to bring these furry fiends to justice. His opening move would be to throw Nair™ in their faces.

CRITTERS ATTACK! (July 23, 2019)
“20-year-old Drea reluctantly takes a job babysitting for a professor of a college she hopes to attend. Struggling to entertain the professor’s children Trissy and Jake, along with her own little brother Phillip, Drea takes them on a hike, unaware that mysterious alien critters have crash-landed and started devouring every living thing they encounter.”

The first Critters movie came out in 1986. And now a sequel that nobody asked for comes out 33 years later (and featuring Dee Wallace who was in the original). Just let it go, man.

A HAUNTING AT SILVER FALLS 2 (2019)
“Several years after a deadly struggle with her serial killer aunt, Jordan, now in college, works to escape her troubled history. But when her aunt’s revenge-seeking specter surfaces to join forces with a deranged convict, Jordan must return to the haunted town of Silver Falls for a final showdown with the ghosts of her past.”

The first one came out in 2013. Didn’t see it. Not sure why. So in this one a ghost teams up with a deranged convict; wonder which one dresses better?

THE CHAIR (2019)
“Richard Sullivan is an innocent man struggling to escape his fate on Death Row. Witnessing the brutal torture and murder of his fellow inmates, will he find a way to survive, or will the insane events of the prison finally consume him? Everything is not what it seems, and sanity is such an easy thing to lose.”

Prison sure sounds a lot more fun than it used to. They serve pretty good mac & cheese…or so I’ve heard. If some guy with a tattoo of a gun on his face wants some of yours, you should probably share.

17 Godzillas, Pool Monsters, Satanic Country Clubs

Another key art treatment for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). This would be the ninth one, and I hope they make nine more. I need to cover an entire wall that needs paint. The latest trailer asks the question, how many Titans (embiggened monsters) are there? To which Dr. Ishiro Serizawa replies: “17 — and counting.” I bet one of ‘em is living in the apartment above me, stomping on the floor like it was Tokyo.”

To quell your nervous anticipation for the movie, here are a few upcoming/now available horror movies that may or may not be as horrifying as a paint neglected wall…

DROWNING ECHO (available now)
“During a visit to friends, Sara begins having visions and is attacked by an unearthly creature in her friend’s swimming pool; she soon discovers that anyone who comes into contact with the water is in danger and she is driven to confront the mystical and malevolent creature lurking in the depths.”

When I was a kid and visited local community swimming pools, the unearthly creature at the bottom of the pools was usually a turd. I didn’t do it. But I know who did: Republicans.

THE VELOCIPASTOR (2019)
“After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil — and ninjas.”

So a priest who can turn into a dinosaur or “Jesus horse.” Now THERE’S a way to make religion way more interesting. Wrote about this back in 2011. Kinda surprised I can remember back that far. It was a trailer for a movie that hadn’t been made yet. Now, all these multiple months later, it’s here. Thank Dino Lord.

HAIL SATAN? (2019)
“The Satanic Temple, a mysterious organization led by Lucien Greaves, has called for a Satanic revolution to save the soul of the US.”

One nation, under Satan, for meanness and evil for all. Isn’t that what’s going on now?

SATANIC PANIC (2019/20120)
“Times are tough for Sam. Already a cancer survivor at 22, she eeks out a meager existence delivering pizza for minimum wage — and minimum tips — while dealing with an exploitative boss and obnoxious coworkers. When the final delivery of the night promises to take her to a wealthy neighborhood with the chance of a healthy tip, she takes the opportunity to make up for an unprofitable shift. What begins as a quest for cash ends up as a quest for survival, though, when it turns out her customers aren’t who she’s used to delivering to. Instead, they’re a Satanic cult of a very different color: high-society elites for whom worshiping the Dark Lord coexists with country clubs and casseroles.”

A high-society Satanic cult that hangs out in country clubs and eats pizza and casseroles instead of chi-tos (heh)? Clearly, there are more perks to being evil than originally assessed.

Frightening Footwear, Ceramic Vampires, Child-Eating Monsters

Frank the Bunny was the breakout star of 2001’s mind-bending Donnie Darko, the story of a kid who survives a freak accident, only to discover the secrets of the universe and the gained ability to alter time. (In non-movie terms, we call that “drinking”.) Frank, the man in the rabbit suit, would show up every so often and talk Donnie into committing crimes. (“Frank” could very well be another name for “beer”.)

Since Frank is clearly an upstanding role model, it’s awesome to now be able to own a pair of Frank Slippers for the mere price of $41.89, available at Firebox.com. (They also sell spreadable gin for $14.00 a jar. I didn’t know spreadable gin came in a jar as opposed to, say, a quart bottle with a screw cap.) You need both — click HERE to go get ’em.

While you’re waiting for your fantasy footwear to arrive via some sort of mail delivery service, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not alter time — or keep your feet warm…

THE FORCES OF HORROR ANTHOLOGY SERIES VOLUME 1 (available now)
“In this blood-curdling horror anthology, a troubled young girl named Libby visits her psychiatrist to recount the terrifying stories of four nightmares that have been troubling her sleeping hours. The kindly doctor tries to explain away the dreams as the result of normal childhood anxieties, but as the tales become more gruesome, he begins to believe that ‘Libby’ may not be who she says she is.”

I’ve never really understood the term “blood-curdling.” Does it mean something is so scary it turns your hemoglobin into cottage cheese? If that’s the case, I’ll have to pass — cottage cheese tastes like unsalted, wet, air-popped popcorn. Blood, on the other hand…

WILDING (April 13, 2018)
“Anna is a woman who spent her entire childhood locked in the attic under the care of a mysterious man she only knows as Daddy. Anna is scared to death of a creature he calls the Wildling, a child-eating monster that roams outside. After a small-town sheriff Ellen Cooper frees Anna and helps her start a new life, her childhood nightmares of the Wildling return, disrupting the possibility of a normal life.”

Word around the dog park is that Wilding is a werewolf movie. This is very cool. And people in the dog park who don’t use pooper scoopers? That is very not cool.

VAMPIRE CLAY (available now/Japan/2017 | 2018, U.S.)
After studying in Tokyo, Kaori returns to Aina Academy to finish her prep classes for art school. Her time away has made her a better artist than most of her classmates and she soon begins making top scores on projects. Things begin to get strange, however, when she finds some clay left behind by the building’s previous owner, who died tragically at his workshop, and begins to use it for sculpting assignments. Following a mishap with a razor blade and the disappearance of one of her most jealous classmates, her teacher and the other students soon find themselves dealing with murderous, bloodthirsty clay monsters. The figures attempt to imitate and subsequently devour the students (seriously), thus answering the age old question: can a work of art be so bad that it kills?”

Who in their right mind would pass up a movie called Vampire Clay? That’s right up there with Basket-Woven Bigfoot. This came out in Japan in 2017, but I never got to see it as I heard the theater that showed it sold dried squid snacks instead of the slightly-less fishy tasting red vines. But hey, give me a bucket of seaweed and I’m good to go.

ROKUROKU: PROMISE OF THE WITCH (available now/Japan | 2018/U.S.)
“Structured like an anthology with intermingling segments, Rokuroku features everything from a deep sea kaiju, to a cackling disembodied head, to a sickle-handed psychopath. A supernatural force hurls schoolgirls off of rooftops. An old man faces the return of a horrific creature from his youth. Childhood friends recall a long forgotten promise that leads them to room 666 of a horrifying hotel.”

Impressive — the only thing missing is a basket-woven Bigfoot. I wonder, though, if the sickle-handed psychopath is available to trim my hedges? If he does a good job, I’d be happy to recommend him on Thumbtack.com.

Mallzilla, Double Scarecrows, Future Toilets

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Not talking about beer (although I guess I just did), I’m referring to the famous Godzilla statue in Tokyo’s Hibiya Chanter (ranked No.70 on TripAdvisor among 352 attractions in Chiyoda). So popular is this magnificent sculpture, the entire shopping mall is being renamed as Godzilla Square later in March, 2018. I should like to live there. In the mall. Next to the Godzilla statue.

But hold the boat — now they’re kicking Godzilla to the curb, where he’s stood vigilantly since 1995. And in his place, they’re gonna put…Godzilla. (Go wash your face — there’s a big question mark on it.) The replacement will be none other than Shin Godzilla, which continues to be massively popular in Japan. (There’s even a Shin Godzilla statue inside the mall, next to the L.L. Bean store, which regularly has 50% off sales — neat!)

So the Heisi Godzilla statue won’t become a street person and will be relocated inside of Toho Cinemas Hibiya on March 29, 2018, while Shin Godzilla becomes the new ambassador for unbridled consumerism outside. And all of this happens on March 23, 2018. (That’s a Friday — time to call in sick at work and head to Japan for a few hours to get a few Shin selfies.)

If you’re unable to get the time off to join me, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not qualify for an L.L. Bean 50% discount…

HEADGAME (available now)
“A group of young people awake, locked inside a warehouse with cameras screwed into their heads. It becomes apparent that they are unwilling competitors in a deadly game, and they will need to murder each other if they hope to survive.”

A camera screwed to your head? Sounds delightfully painful. But it’s been done before in Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992).

SCARECROWS (2018)
“While on a hike to find a secret lagoon, a group of teenagers have no choice but to pass through an ominous cornfield. Unbeknown to them, the farm owner despises trespassers and has vowed to kill anyone who crosses his land by turning them into living scarecrows, leaving them to rot in his fields. Once one goes up…it never comes down.”

I think the farmer is over-reacting. I mean, it’s just corn, for crying out loud. It’s not like he’s growing eggplant. (There is not enough chocolate butter frosting in the world to make eggplant taste anything other than like eating skunk pie.)

RISE OF THE SCARECROWS: HELL ON EARTH (2018)
“A quiet town finds that a deadly secret from their past has come back with a vengeance to take over its inhabitants.”

According to Horrorpedia.com, this is a “belated sequel to Rise of the Scarecrows (2003).” It’d be cool if Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz (1939) had a cameo. Sure, he’d be almost 80 years old, but scarecrows aren’t supposed to look fresh off the vine. Also, it would be nice to see him rip human flesh apart as if caught in a baler-gone-wild instead of vaudeville dancing and singing, while slightly entertaining, accomplishes nothing.

NOVA STAR (pending crowd-funding)
“Set in an ’80s retro future world, Mack and her robot co-worker Spanners, clean toilets aboard a majestic spaceship, the Nova Queen. When an ancient star fragment is embedded in Mack’s skull by a dying space princess the space-sh*t hits the space-fan. Mack and Spanners are chased across the galaxy by Kill-Bots, Space Pirates, Bounty Hunters and an evil Space Queen who will use the Star to flush the entire cosmos out of reality through a black hole. Using everything she knows from a life working in sanitation it’s up to Mack to save the star, and save the galaxy!”

Seems to have all the right ingredients. I’m mean, who wouldn’t want to clean future toilets? If I were to call on all my life’s sanitation skills, I can sum it up in three T-shirt worthy words: jiggle the handle.

Horror Clowns, Black Superheroes, Meaty Godzilla

Every month they change the fresh sheet at JaK’s my fav steakhouse of all time and space. (My accountant looked at my receipts and asked if I owned stock in the place. By now I should.)

June’s fresh sheet came out and right there in print was the…Rib-Eye Godzilla. This is no joke — and get this, it comes with a side order of screaming citizens! (Okay, that part was a joke.) Wonder if it comes with an order of Tokyo? Regardless, you now know what I’ll be eating for the next 30 days,

Speaking of tasty, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not satisfy your city-crushing hunger…

BEHIND THE SIGHTINGS (October 2017)
“Based on over 112 hours of footage recovered from the personal belongings of aspiring filmmakers Todd and Jessica Smith. The husband and wife filmmaking duo were investigating the 2016 creepy clown sighting epidemic. The first clown sightings occurred in August 2016 in Greenville, South Carolina. Authorities were alerted to reports by neighborhood kids stating that creepy clowns were appearing in the woods near an apartment complex. The clown sightings spread to all 50 states and across Europe. Todd and Jessica were attempting to track down clown sighting witnesses and the clowns involved in a rash of creepy clown sightings that plagued an eastern North Carolina community.”

A little late on the clown sighting social phenomenon, which I though was a clever promo for the new It (2017) movie. The funny part here is that people who took part in the clown sightings were in fact already clown themselves. Think this goes in the “already seen it” file, which is right next to the “stupid dumbasses” folder.

MIDNIGHTERS (2017/2018)
“Midnight, New Year’s Eve: when all the hopes of new beginnings come to life — except for Lindsey and Jeff Pittman, whose strained marriage faces the ultimate test after they cover up a terrible crime and find themselves entangled in a Hitchcockian web of deceit and madness.”

Hitchcockian web? Hitchcock was a spider? Now his movies all of a sudden make sense.

BLACK PANTHER (February 16, 2018)
“Black Panther springs into action when an old enemy threatens the fate of his nation and the world.”

Marvel’s Black Panther was a hugely welcome debut in Captain America: Civil War (2016). That cat had some sleek moves. So it’s with some sort of glee I’m looking forward to an entire movie devoted to his sleek moves. Of course, African-American superheroes have been around for some time, but not nearly as much as their counterparts. For a recent example watch Luke Cage (Netflix). He also hooked up with Jessica Jones in her TV series. Lucky guy. Off the top ‘o my noggin is Hancock (Will Smith) Storm (Halle Berry) Spawn (1977) and yep, I’ll through in Asgard’s Heimdall (Idris Elba). But if you wanna go really obscure, try The First Black Superman, released back in 1977 when hippies ran free and personal hygiene was dubious at best. Fun watching how your parents acted when they were young and stupid.

ANGEL (pending crowd-funding)
When a brutal massacre plagued the isolated and peaceful town of Raven Rock in 1986, the remaining residents fled, leaving the once tranquil community behind. For thirty years the town has been chained and walled off from the outside world while deteriorating and crumbling. However not all has been quiet as disappearances have been attributed to the supposedly haunted town. Now a headstrong journalist and her team venture to Raven Rock to investigate the town, its history, and the missing persons. What they will discover is sometimes the truth is more disturbing than myth and Raven Rock is still being occupied.”

Sounds like a direct lift of 2006’s Silent Hill. That one had really cool weirdo monsters in the abandoned town. Ghosts, too. You’d think that be a tourist attraction instead of, say, a Ferris Wheel run amok. And don’t get me started on that possessed Tilt-a-Whirl, the only amusement park ride that makes you pay to reverse vomit.

Global Sharks, Canadian Sharks, God’s Whoopee Cushion

Been sitting on the sidelines, listening (well, reading, actually) superhero fan boys complain their acne-terrained faces off over the new Spider-Man costume upgrades, implemented by Tony Stark/Iron Man for Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7, 2017). The new suit has a built in computer chip that allows Spider-Man to glide like a flying squirrel, a parachute (for when the flying squirrel feature doesn’t fully deploy), collapsible (yet form-fitting) fabric, an on-board computer (ala, Iron Man), and new and improved web stuff that shoots out of his hands. (Let’s hope that’s all that shoots out of Spider-Man.)

Not sure why all the bellyaching; after countless comics and five movies with two different Spider-Guys — all using the same suit — these upgrades are not only downright awesome (I would like one, please), it’s about flippin’ time, and brings Spider-Man — a Marvel Universe linchpin — in line with all the rest of the superheroes that’ve been brilliantly contemporized (looking in your direction, Batman) for the sake of our movie bit coins. So I say to the complainers — shut up twice.

Speaking of things needing an upgrade, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need technological assistance…or a scientifically accessorized Whoopee Cushion™.

THE DRIFTER (June 6, 2017)
“A uniquely troubled man finds himself on a downward spiral induced by painful memories of his dark and distant past. Taking refuge from his long days and nights of driving aimlessly on the open highway, he stops off in a small town, where he happens to cross paths with an old acquaintance. This acquaintance becomes dangerously intrigued and determined to discover the skeletons hiding in the drifter’s past.”

A troubled man caught in a shame spiral. Sounds like a lot of bar stool people I know. Not me; I mock shame. So is The Drifter a slasher movie? A serial killer movie? (Same difference.) A plot-weary drama trying to dress itself as a horror movie? Goin’ with that one.

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING (August 6, 2017)
“The mission gets personal for Fin Shepard and his bionic wife, April when their young son gets trapped in a traveling ‘nado and transported all over the world. From London to Rio, Tokyo, Rome and Amsterdam, the heroes seek assistance from royals, scholars, Olympians and news talking heads in their epic battle.”

Sharknado has officially become the bad karaoke night of “sci-fi” movies. So sharks, now the new zombie virus, are taking over the planet. And April is a bionic wife? Does that mean she nags in digital? About the only thing I do like is the kicker line: Global Swarming. That made beer shoot out my nose — and I wasn’t even drinking one when I read it.

FIGHTING THE SKY (2017/2018)
“A group of young ufologists explore a series of apocalyptic sounds emerging from the sky. For years, all around the world, people have heard and recorded a thundering sound that emits from the sky without any origin or explanation. Even the scientists are stumped, folks, and the strange part is the media is ignoring it.”

Fighting the Sky’s premise was taken from all those YouTube™ videos of people recording unseen source apocalyptic sounds coming from the sky. It’s as if God was the world’s noisiest neighbor. Most have been proven to be fake. (Probably made with two turntables and a microphone — and a really big Whoopee Cushion™, which is right up there with the invention of the wheel in terms of civilization advancements.)

MOOSE JAWS (pending crowd-funding)
Combining a shark with a moose? Why didn’t I think of that? This one’s being made by genius wise-guy Kevin Smith, who looks to complete his “True North Trilogy,” which began with Tusk (2014) and followed up with Yoga Hosers (2016). Smith has said that the walrus/human hybrid from Tusk will appear in the film, as will the two main characters from Yoga Hosers. I just felt a pee shiver of anticipation.

Kevin’s official statement: “I love Jaws, I love Canada, and I combined the two of them. So the whole thing is beat-for-beat Jaws, up until the third act. In the third act it becomes Godzilla, Destroy All Monsters, Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, and ends with Return of the Jedi. It’s pretty magical.”

That’s the understatement of the year. We need to give Kevin all our money right now to get this thing made.

Godzilla = Winzilla

With a mere four Oscars™, the gore slasher flick La La Land (2016) has nothing on Shin Godzilla (2016), which stomped away with SEVEN Japan Academy Prizes in Tokyo on March 2, 2017.

Besides pocketing over $72 million fun coupons, which converts to over eight BILLION yen, Shin Godzilla snagged the awards for Best Picture and Best Director. I should’ve been for nominated for Best Fan. Since Godzilla has so many awards, maybe he’ll let me have one. That, or scrunch me into sidewalk paste.

And to make your day even better than it was before you read that last sentence, Shin Godzilla is releasing here in the States on March 22, 2017. There’s a plus and minus to this joyous news: Comicbook.com reports that it won’t contain English sub-titles. (Toho™, who owns every radioactive/copyrighted particle of Godzilla’s DNA, is notorious for this jerk maneuver.)

However, Funimation™, located in Flower Mound, Texas (that town name sounds naughty for some reason), will be releasing Shin Godzilla with all the pronounceable bells and whistles in October of 2017. The price? Who cares? It’s Godzilla, man! Even at eight billion yen, it’ll still be a bargain.

Detrimental Robots

After filming a suicide in Tokyo’s killing field (the subway system), cameraman Masuoka is drawn back to the scene for more answers. Upon replaying the footage, he notices that just seconds before the man stuck a knife into his forehead, he was looking at something — and that something scared the life outta him. Well, that and the knife.

Intriguing set-up for the Japanese horror flick, Marebito (2006). Masuoka finds a door that leads to a vast subterranean labyrinth where the Detros (a contraction of detrimental robots) live. They’re eerie, white creatures who make people stab themselves in the head. He encounters a young naked gal chained to a wall. She can’t talk, but that doesn’t stop Masuoka from asking her out on a date. He takes her home and tries to feed her, but she keeps barfing all over the place. That’ll teach him to use Match.com™ to screen potential girlfriends.

The girl is drawn to Masuoka’s bleeding finger and sucks on it like a Tootsie Pop™. Instead of feeding her with his own liquid, Masuoka sets the dinner table with dead animals. If you’re thinkin’ yum, too, then we’re on the same wavelength. But the girl needs human blood. Masuoka goes so far as to slice his own tongue in half and feed it to her. Even though it looks like she’s kissing him, she’s really just removing the blood out of his face. Still, ick.

But like all good love stories, it must come to a grisly end. So was it all in Masuoka’s crazed, Prozac™-deprived head, and that he really murdered his wife, and the mute girl was his daughter whom he kept chained like a dangerous pettable animal? Or are there really eerie white creatures living beneath Tokyo in huge caves? I’m going with the Detros.

And the Award Goes To…Godzilla!

Add an Oscar to Godzilla’s list of accomplishments. It was just announced Shin Godzilla (2016) has been nominated for Best Picture in the Japanese Academy Awards (aka, The Japan Academy Prize). Okay, so Godzilla hasn’t won it yet, but how could it not happen? For those of us lucky enough to have seen it, Shin Godzilla is the Citizen Kane (1941) of giant monster movies.

Besides being the highest-grossing live-action Japanese movie of 2016, Shin Godzilla racked up a staggering 11 nominations in all: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Music, Best Cinematography, Best Art Direction, Best Lighting Direction, Best Sound Recording and Best Film Editing. They left out one: Best Poop Yer Pants Awesome Destruction and Mayhem.

Even though the Japanese Academy Award/Prize trophy looks like a coffee table leg, it’ll sit nicely atop Godzilla’s fireplace, which just happens to be all of Tokyo.

Unfortunately, we here in the States will have to wait until later in 2017 to get the movie on a variety of viewing platforms. I’ll no doubt buy them all. Twice.