Teeth With Bite, Doctor Vampire, Sharp-Dressed Werewolf

One of the more unsettling features of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in the 2017 billion dollar hit horror movie IT —besides his remarkably groomed Sideshow Bob hair style, is his pre-eat-your-face-off teeth. Looking like he hasn’t sat in a dentist chair in decades, the wood-chipper choppers look like he could out bite a shark. And now you can have the same bladder-loosening bridgework with the It Pennywise Fang Teeth — for only $24.99. (Check to see if your dental insurance will cover it.)

Available on the OrientalTrading.com website, the monster molars are described like this: “Amazing IT Pennywise Fang Teeth come with upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Includes: upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Each set of teeth are meticulously painted to show all the horrible monstrous detail seen on the screen. Applying the teeth is easy, thanks to our Friendly Plastic Pellets that come with each set of teeth. Simply heat up the Friendly Plastic in hot water, position the Friendly Plastic into the teeth and fit them over your own teeth, making a custom fit. One size fits most adults.” There are so many disturbing things about that product description, I don’t know where to begin. Regardless, you can buy it here.

So while we buy a set and go around saying “cheese!” to everyone on the bus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have any teeth. P.S. be true to your teeth — or they will be false to you…

MOTION DETECTED / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Eva narrowly escaped being murdered during a recent terrifying home invasion in Mexico City. She and her husband decide to relocate to Los Angeles where she can recuperate. But when her husband has to travel for business, she’s left alone in an unfamiliar place and suffering from paranoia. She’s consoled by the smart home security system, but the technology is difficult to master and she starts to wonder if it will actually keep her safe or take over her life.”

Smart Home tech is gonna be the death of us all. My Roomba™ keeps sucking up my car keys — on purpose. He hates me, I just know it.

FANGS OUT / May 23 (VOD)

“A group of college students head to Mexico for some cheap plastic surgery. There they meet Doctor Pavor, a creepy surgeon who is actually a vampire, harvesting victims for his blood cartel. Aided by his bloodthirsty nurses he systematically carries out his evil plan. When a detective looking for his missing daughter arrives, all hell breaks loose in a bloody combustible conclusion.”

College idiots trying to score cheap plastic surgery? The vampires are the least of their problems.

BONE COLD / June 13, 2023 (VOD, Blu-ray)

“After bad intel from headquarters results in a tragic civilian death, an elite sniper duo attempts to flee the area but can’t seem to shake a mysterious, inhuman creature stalking them from the shadows.

Judging from the art, it looks like these snipers are out in the snow, which means the inhuman creature stalking them is a trendy hipster wearing an L.L. Bean Norseland Insulated Parka™ (on sale for under $200).

SCREAM OF THE WOLF / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Making a vampire movie in an old, abandoned house should have been easy, but with the full moon, the nightmare begins. The body count rises as the cast and crew encounter the mansion’s resident werewolf and by daylight only the lucky will survive.”

Scream of the Wolf is also the name of the 1974 made-for-TV “movie”, wherein the werewolf, in human form, wears a green corduroy jacket with a pleated white turtle neck sweater. Stylish in any decade. P.S. This was originally titled, Wolf Manor, which I previewed in November of 2022. At least I think I did — I can’t remember last year…or what I drank for breakfast, for that matter.

Monster Trucks, AI Love Dolls, Mexican Sharks

Rockers and horror fans rejoice —1986’s Maximum Overdrive is getting the Blu-ray SteelBook DVD makeover by Lionsgate’s Vestron Video Collector’s Series™ and being released with a ton of extras on May 30, 2023 for $19.96 as a Walmart™ exclusive (preorder it here). Hold it Maybelle, don’t set the table — what does this have to do with rock and horror? Zip your rock hole and I’ll tell you.

1. Maximum Overdrive was based on Stephen King’s short story, “Trucks”, from his Night Shift collection, which was published in 1978, the same year as Van Halen’s debut album. 2. The movie’s screenplay was not only written by Stephen King, he directed it as well, his first time doing that. 3. Maximum Overdrive’s soundtrack is entirely made up of AC/DC songs.

So MO’s Blu-ray SteelBook — a sort of lunchbox for DVDs — has new audio commentary, featurettes, interviews with the actors, behind the scenes stuff, and the making of the Happy Toyz Goblin fixed to the front of a sentient, killing diesel truck. (They can call it the Happy Toyz Goblin but we all know it’s Spider-Man’s arch nemesis, the Green Goblin. In your face, Happy Toyz.) 

From the Lionsgate press release: “Get ready for the ultimate battle of man vs. bloodthirsty machine in this terrifying Stephen King classic! For three horrifying days, the Earth passes through the tail of a mysterious comet. The skies glow an eerie green as humanity waits to see what the fallout will be. But what they imagine is nothing like the nightmare they find — the comet’s magnetic fields cause all the machines on Earth to suddenly come to life and terrorize their human creators in a horrific killing spree. Now, it’s up to a small group of people trapped in a desolate truck stop to defeat the killer machines — or be killed by them!”

Machines coming to life and killing humans. Just a reminder — this was 21 years before 2007’s Transformers, with autobot machines doing the same thing. (They even had goofy heavy metal band member names: Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Jazz, Prowl, Arcee, Ratchet, Wheeljack, Bumblebee, Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, Ravage, Laserbeak, Rumble, Skywarp and Shockwave. Somewhere Gwar laughs into the night.)

So while we all crank up some AC/DC and taunt our kitchen appliances, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your toaster go postal…

ENYS MEN / March 31, 2023 (Limited Theaters, VOD pending)

“Set in 1973 on an uninhabited island off the British coast, a wildlife volunteer descends into a terrifying metaphysical and ecosophical journey that challenges her grip on reality and pushes her into a living nightmare.”

Sounds intriguing, but they’re not selling me with the movie’s off-putting title. How about Mind Island Destructo or Isle of Die Kill Bleed or Apprehension Archipelago? Now there’s some juice.

SIMULANT / April 7, 2023 (Theaters), May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Faye attempts to replace her newly deceased husband, Evan, with an android simulant (SIM). Although SIM Evan appears like human Evan in every way, Faye does not feel the same love for SIM Evan as it does for her. SIM Evan tries to win Faye back while at the same time being on-the-run from a government agent chasing down SIMs who have become ‘conscious’ and could potentially be a threat to humankind.”

Android simulant, my motherboard — she created an A.I. love doll for horizontal dating purposes.

THE BLACK DEMON April 28, 2023 (Theaters)

“When oilman Paul Sturges takes his family to Bahia Negra, the crown jewel of Baja and the site of Paul’s best-performing rig, the vibrant Mexican coastal town he once knew has mysteriously crumbled. In the decrepit ghost town, the last inhabitants tell Paul the offshore platform has awoken ‘El Demonio.’ Scared to be left alone, the family follows Paul out to the platform and just after they get on, the man and boat that risked bringing them is ferociously attacked by a massive black shark. This shark is unlike any other creature; a shark of legend, known as The Black Demon. It has laid claim to the local waters aggressively protecting mother nature against human threats. It kills everything and repeatedly charges the oil rig itself, threatening to destroy it. Paul and his family are stranded with the few men who have survived and now discover explosive charges have been set on the legs of the platform. Under constant attack by the giant monster and with the time literally ticking away, Paul must find a way to somehow get his family back to shore alive.”

If you’ve seen the trailer for The Black Demon (YouTube™), the shark on the movie’s ad sheet is ratio-sized correctly. And for all involved, oil in the water is the least of pollutants that’ll happen if they encounter you-know-who.

THE WOODMEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three individuals who find themselves in a fight for their lives as they attempt to escape from a clan of feral humans that call the Smoky Mountains home. Together, they battle the cunning and elusive adversary that wants nothing more than to protect their land with deadly and savage force.”

Feral humans = hippies. Elusive adversaries protecting their land = hippies squatters.

Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds. 

Godzilla Cups, Religious Demons, Toilet Ghosts

Expectedly, there’s a slew of Godzilla promotional tie-ins on the eve of Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). Carl’s Jr.™, the John Oates of fast food eateries, is offering soda cups featuring Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah and Rodan. I plan on getting ‘em all and using them when I throw fancy dinner parties.

Microsoft™ scores with custom Godzilla and frenemies Xbox™ game systems, with the outer case looking like it was made from the actual hides of scaly monsters. The best part: Microsoft™ is GIVING THEM AWAY! Here’s how to get one or more: “In its latest Xbox Sweepstakes, the company is offering up the chance to win one of the four consoles via Twitter, and you have until June 7 to enter.” Never played an Xbox; I’m still trying to figure out checkers.

And even Mexico is getting in on the action, serving up the Godzilla Thickburger, which is composed of three beef patties, bacon and cheese. Order one with a side of screaming citizens.

While we immerse ourselves in all things Godzilla, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as a burger made in Mexico…

SAINT BERNARD (May 14, 2019)
“A classical musical conductor unravels into the abyss of insanity.”

A lot of Internet chatter about this one. Apparently it’s a surreal carnival ride for the mind. I thought that’s what booze is for. P.S. This was filmed on Super 16mm and 35mm film. That’s pretty surreal.

THE LODGE (2019)
“A soon-to-be-stepmom is snowed in with her fiancé’s two children at a remote holiday village. Just as relations finally begin to thaw between the trio, strange and frightening events threaten to summon psychological demons from her strict religious childhood.”

This could be good; strict religion is scary as Hell.

GHOST KILLERS VS. BLOODY MARY (2019)
“Four YouTubers with expertise in supernatural events are seeking recognition from the audience whilst solving the urban legend of the Bathroom Blonde Case and the spirit that haunts the schools’ bathroom in Brazil.”

There’s many ghosts haunting my bathroom — the lingering spirits of meals passed. Heh.

Photographic Jaws, Mixtape Monsters, Gator Aid

No question the poster for Jaws (1975) is one of the most iconic pieces of movie art of all time. Illustrated by Roger Kastel, the art has been turned into everything from book covers and board games, to countless parodies and baby blankets. And thanks to British filmmaker/cage diver Euan Rannachan, we now get to see the Jaws poster come to life, featuring his uncanny photo of a real shark swimming Jaws-style towards some soon-to-be happy meal.

As first reported by the Daily Mail, Euan took the one-in-a-million pic off the coast of Mexico. Here’s what he had to say about that: “The shark in my image is a female and her name is Squirrel. We’d been with her for a while. We have these people on the boat called shark wranglers and they throw these two-foot chunks of tuna to get the shark close to the surface,” Rannachan told the site, explaining how he got the perfect photograph of the seventeen-foot shark. A guy named Crazy Luis stood up on the boat to bring the shark to us as we sat on the surface in the shark cage.”

Crazy Luis seems like someone you’d want to fiesta with. And while we spitball alternative names for a shark other than Squirrel (?!?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by adding two-foot chunks of tuna to ’em…

STARFISH (May 28, 2019)
When a mysterious signal from an unknown dimension summons the end of days, it appears as if only Aubrey is left on earth. Trapped in the apartment of her recently deceased best friend, the only clue she has is a single cassette left behind after her friend’s death, labeled: “THIS MIXTAPE WILL SAVE THE WORLD.” Thrust into a mystery orchestrated by her friend and stricken with grief, Aubrey begins to piece the clues together, uncovering a series of tapes all with pieces of the mystery signal. Along the way, progress is impeded when monstrous creatures begin to overrun the world and enclose in on her. Aubrey is forced to fight off the encroaching creatures and move beyond her own crippling grief in order to find the remaining tapes. But will completing The Signal save the world?”

Wonder if the mixtape has R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of The World” on it? That’d be pretty funny if it did. So Aubrey is the last gal standing, facing off against giant monsters. As apocalyptic scenarios go, that’s not too shabby, even if it does “borrow” from The Last Man On Earth (1964), The Omega Man (1971) and I Am Legend (2007). Lesser so with The Last Woman on Earth (1960), which had two dudes fighting over her and all the shoe stores in the world open 24 hours a day.

HALLOWED GROUND (June 11, 2019)
“A married couple, trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair, travels to a secluded cabin and stumbles into a blood feud between the Native American owners of the property and the neighboring clan, who obsessively guard their land and punish those who trespass on it in terrifying ways.”

About time Native Americans gave the business end of the tomahawk to those Republicans. I bet one of the terrifying ways to punish them would be to put ‘em in a teepee to reflect on their shameful behavior. Probably wouldn’t be able to make sit in a corner because, hey, teepees are round, man. I totally looked it up.

CRAWL (July 12, 2019)
“When a massive hurricane hits her Florida hometown, Haley ignores evacuation orders to search for her missing father. Finding him gravely injured in the crawl space of their family home, the two become trapped by quickly encroaching floodwaters. As time runs out to escape the strengthening storm, Haley and her father discover that the rising water level is the least of their fears.”

Even though it takes the premise of Bait 3D (2012), it’s no spoiler that crocodiles and/or alligators end up in flooded houses and/or condos. The trailer for this one is insane cool, with many hungry reptiles showing up for this buffet, which has a lot of screaming deals. Heh.

DEATHCEMBER (2019)
“Coming soon, the holiday horror anthology Deathcember will open 24 doors to Hell for ‘the ultimate advent horror anthology movie.’ The anthology will feature 24 shorts by 24 directors from around the globe, each one taking a look at the dark side of the festive season. In “A Christmas Miracle,” a grieving mother who suffered a stillbirth is spending Christmas alone, when she is visited by an apparition that promises to bring her child back to life — but at what cost?”

Cool — hope they do a poster for all the segments; I need new wallpaper. Deathcember is even more cool than you think — the film crew was/is made up of almost entirely women. Women can be just as scary as men. Just ask any divorced dude.

Swapping DNA In The Shower

In Species IV: The Awakening (2007), Miranda is a supermodel quality college teacher whose alien DNA is getting restless. This means the human part of her will die and the pointy-haired alien part will come out and transform her into an H.R. Giger painting.

Her “uncle,” a scientist, is to blame. Miranda was a lab EZ-Bake Oven™ that he used to marinade her human goo with a concoction of extraterrestrial DNA strands. It worked. But she doesn’t know it yet.

A trip to the hospital to find out why she’s been blacking out results in the death of the entire staff via a long, stabby tongue that shoots out of her mouth. Time for that trip to Mexico, for three reasons. One, to escape the law. Two, to meet up with his old science partner to see if he can help stop the transformation. And three, good exchange rate on the dollar.

Forbes McGuire, no longer a practicing U.S. lab guy, has been plying his new trade: clones of dead pets and relatives. He mixes just enough alien DNA with the DNA of whatever he wants to clone, and bingo, insta-copies! He even made himself an overnight slumber party pal with Azura, a mega-hot alien gal.

Miranda, though, is dying and while a DNA stem cell swap with a Mexican hooker appeared promising, it only made matters complicado.

Miranda, driven to date, mate and annihilate, occasionally drops top and sticks her tongue in potential date’s ears. Problem is, it comes out the other ear.

All this happy stuff leads to a showdown between both alien chicks. This is done in the dark, which is incredibly annoying. Build to the big scene and then turn off the lights. Smooth move, Ex-Lax™. Uncle F*ck Up has to make things right and blows the place to confetti. He should’ve done that at the beginning of the flick, because the sex is G-rated, the boobs not nearly plentiful enough (although Miranda is a perfect 10 on any planet), and the premise about as believable as my last lie detector test.

Mastering Shadows, Extreme Physicians, Horny Aliens

If you were a fan of the Goth horror soap opera Dark Shadows (1966 — 1971), then you’ll no doubt make happy happen in your pants over the April 16, 2019 release of Master of Dark Shadows, a comprehensive celebration of the legendary daytime series and its visionary creator, Dan Curtis. If you have no idea what the heckaroo I’m talking about, you can find the massively influential series on Amazon Prime™ and even some boot-leggy low-res versions on YouTube™ and get with the program.

From the press release: “In 1966, a phenomenon was launched when Dark Shadows debuted on ABC-TV as a daily Gothic suspense series. Airing in the late afternoon, the show attracted a massive youth audience as it shifted to the supernatural with the introduction of vulnerable vampire Barnabas Collins. Witches, ghosts, werewolves and scary story lines turned Dark Shadows into a TV classic that led to motion pictures, remakes, reunions and legions of devoted fans who have kept the legend alive for five decades.”

While we wait for Master of Dark Shadows to bring us back to a time when vampires, witches, ghosts, and werewolves finally got some mainstream moments in the spotlight, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you making happy in your pants…

BLACK SITE (April 9, 2019)
“Ren Reid was orphaned as a child when a member of an ancient race known as the Elder Gods killed her parents. Twenty years have passed; and a fractured Ren now works for Artemis, an organization set up to contain and then deport these entities back to where they came from. When the Elder God responsible for Ren’s childhood tragedy is caught and brought to the Black Site for deportation, Ren must partner with an unlikely ally as the last line of defense against a wave of worshipers hellbent on releasing their deity back into the world. With the facility on lock-down and the enemy closing in, Ren has just hours to avenge her parents and prove once and for all that she is worthy of wearing the Artemis uniform.”

I hate it when the Elder Gods yell at me to get off their lawn. The plot, though, seems a bit top heavy; why can’t they just loose half the cast and put in all-purpose explosions and car chase scenes?

HI-DEATH (2019)
“From the makers of Hi-8, five new twisted tales showcasing the talents of both veteran and emerging horror filmmakers. When two young women take the “Terror Tour” through the underbelly of Hollywood, they are led into a bizarre world of unspeakable horror. Their first stop proves that “Death Has a Conscience,” but doesn’t spare the unlucky souls who stumble into his path. Next, a meeting with the “Dealers of Death” exposes the perils of collecting murder memorabilia. Then, it’s off to a quick “Night Drop”, where your next movie rental may be your last. An actress’ worst nightmare unfolds as she is forced to perform a terrifying “Cold Read”, and our Terror Tour comes to a disturbing end as we meet the ancient, seductive evil known as “The Muse”.”

For a couple other cool horror compendiums, give V/H/S (2012) and/or ABCs of Death (2012) anthologies a whack. You can thank me later.

PATIENTS OF A SAINT (2019)
“When medical trials are pushed to their limits, the most extreme tests take place on St. Leonards island, home to a re-purposed prison for some of the world’s most violent criminals. But when one experiment goes horribly wrong, the entire prison becomes a diseased riddled maze for desperate survivors.”

Extreme medical procedures have been going on for a long time. Just ask my proctologist.

SNATCHERS (2019)
“Sara is one of the cool kids; she’s got the right friends, makes the right jokes…and is totally terrified of losing her status. She’d be a lot more secure if she could win back her super-hot ex, Skyler, but he’s not interested unless they move to the next level. Sara decides to take the plunge without protection, but soon discovers Skyler isn’t just horny like a normal teenage boy. Something changed on his summer trip to Mexico. Something…extraterrestrial! Sara wakes up the next morning nine-months pregnant.”

Skylar is a super-hot horny teen alien who doesn’t practice safe sex? Today’s teens have all the fun.

 

Nightmare King, Porno Slasher, Ghost Mom

It’s one thing to eat fast food and later get nightmares. But it’s entirely another thing to have a fast food chain tell you up front their burgers will give you nightmares. Genius, and yet unsettling, both to your mind and lower intestines.

Burger King™, hot on the heels of their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta™ drink for this year’s Halloween season, is now selling the Nightmare King™ (great name), a hamburger with green buns (there’s a joke in there somewhere) that’s designed to make you freak out in your sleep. Time to throw out your Freddy Krueger spring rolls.

A review from CNBC.com: “The Nightmare King hase a ghoulish green bun and is filled with grilled beef, crispy chicken, bacon, American cheese and mayonnaise. And Burger King is actually claiming that the Halloween sandwich will induce nightmares, having tested it with 100 people over ten nights. The study revealed a 3.5 time increase in nightmares.

It’s the combination of protein and cheese that leads to vivid dreams, according to Dr. Jose Gabriel Medina, a somnologist and the study’s lead doctor, according to an online release. People’s Rapid Eye Movement (REM) cycles were interrupted, a time when most people dream.”

So they actually went out and found a doctor to validate their marketing. Wonder if they hired Republicans to cook ‘em? And before you race to Burger King™ to shell out $6.39 for one of these bad dream burgers (available October 22, 2018 while stocks last), here are a few upcoming horror that may or may not be as scary as green buns…

THE CLOVEHITCH KILLER (November 16, 2018)
“Tyler is a good kid, a boy scout, raised by a poor but happy family in a small, religious town. But when he finds his dad, Don, has disturbing pornography hidden in the shed, he starts to fear that his dad might be Clovehitch, an infamous serial killer that was never caught. Tyler teams up with Kassi, a teenage outcast who’s morbidly obsessed with the Clovehitch legend, to discover the truth in time to save his family.”

Porn is disturbing and a religious town isn’t? Seems they got their priorities out of whack. They probably should let Clovey get in there and straighten everyone out.

THE PRODIGY (February 8, 2019)
“Pulling from The Omen and The Bad Seed, the feature tells the story of a young mother who, concerned about her 8-year-old son’s disturbing behavior, thinks something supernatural may be affecting him.”

Pulling from The Omen (1976) and The Bad Seed (1956)? How about bold-face ripping off? And just so we’re clear here, disturbing behavior is what 8-year-old kids do for a living. If you own and operate one of those things, expect it to continue for at least another 10 years.

THE FINAL WISH (2018/2019)
“Aaron is struggling lawyer who returns home following the passing of his father to help his devastated mother and confront his past demons. Sifting through his father’s belongings, Aaron stumbles upon an Urn which is far more than it seems. As his desires and wishes start coming true, Aaron thinks his prayers have been answered until he learn the sinister price that comes with THE FINAL WISH.”

A can of beer has pretty much the same effect. And when you’re wishes run out, BUY ANOTHER CAN OF BEER. This isn’t rocket science, people.

THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (April 19, 2019)
“Ignoring the eerie warning of a troubled mother suspected of child endangerment, a social worker and her own small kids are soon drawn into a frightening supernatural realm. Their only hope to survive La Llorona’s deadly wrath may be a disillusioned priest and the mysticism he practices to keep evil at bay, on the fringes where fear and faith collide.”

There’s been about a dozen takes on the La Llorona Mexican folklore, which is about the ghost of a woman, who lost her children, cries while looking for them in the river, often causing bad luck/headaches for anyone who hears her spectral bellyaching. Note to ghost moms — the river is not a good babysitter.

Sea Ya Sharks, Mansion Ghosts, Farm To Market Cannibals

On July 25, 2018 we’ll be saying goodbye to the gooftacular Sharknado universe with the latest, as-yet-untitled Sharknado sequel. (They should call it Will The Last Sharknado Leaving The Ocean, Please Turn Off The Faucet? A bit wordy, but nail on the head.) Note to selves: I tagged this one on February 22, 2018. Then I washed and combed my hair for two hours.

The left-field hit series that started as a waterspout that pulls sharks out of the ocean and dumps them all over Los Angeles, started in 2013 with Sharknado, and successfully regurgitated the formulaic plots with endless celebrity cameos with Sharknado: The Second One (2014), Sharknado: Oh Hell No! (2015), Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016) and Sharknado: Global Swarming (2017). Even before the new/final one, this is like the movie version of Hokey Pokey.

While we cross our fingers that this will indeed be the last Sharknado, were are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a watery grave…

CARTEL 2045 (May 1, 2018)
“The year is 2045, the continuing drug war has caused havoc between The United States and Mexico. Gear Side International, a robotics engineering company on the brink of bankruptcy, sells off their technology to the Cartel on the black market. With the advanced military robotics technology in the wrong hands the cartel uses it to their advantage; replacing their enforcers, hit men, and soldiers.”

Who needs robots when you have Machete himself to take care of future business? (Note to reader: It’s really Danny Trejo, who played the iconic badass Machete in previous kick ass films, though I’m not seeing much of a difference). I live in Seattle, but I have friends in Los Angeles who regularly eat at his restaurant: Trejos Tacos. Wonder if they chop up the taco fillings with a…machete? That’s be SO cool.

WRAITH (May 8, 2018)
“After living in an old mansion for almost 10 years a family suddenly discovers a ghost-like presence trying to communicate with them.”

I would like to live in an old mansion that has a ghost-like presence. But does the squatting specter chip in on the cable bill, scrub toilets every other month and chase other ghosts out of the cellar, you know household chores everyone has to do? Might have to bring that up during the next family poltergeist pow-wow.

BEAST (May 11, 2018)
“A troubled young woman in a small island community falls for a mysterious outsider who empowers her to escape from her oppressive family. When he comes under suspicion for a series of brutal murders she defends him at all costs and learns what she is capable of.”

This one’s being described as a “warped adult fairy tale.” Works for me, though it seems like a really bad idea to a.) commit brutal murders, and b.) do it on a small community island. Unless you’re Aquaman’s cousin’s brother’s nephew and could swim away from the cops, you’re pretty much dry-docked in the zip code.

THE FARM (2018/2019)
“A young couple gets kidnapped and treated like farm animals after stopping at a roadside diner to eat meat.”

I don’t hang out in barns (anymore), so I’m not sure how farm animals are being treated these days. If I remember the Old MacDonald literary works correctly, cows and chickens and beavers get three hots and a cot. Doesn’t sound that bad to me.

Atomic Superman Is The Bomb

In the 1962 Mexican sci-fi/horror thrill-o-rama Neutron The Atomic Superman versus the Death Robots (aka, Los autómatas de la muerte), Neutron is a bare-chested lucha masked marvel, heck-bent on protecting that which needs protecting, in this case an evil scientist thought dead, but is quite the opposite. Yep, the bandaged faced Dr. Caronte lives to breathe another day in this episodic punchfest. And I’ll give it to the ‘ol Doc — he can throw a decent slobberknocker.

So what’s Caronte’s devious scheme this time? To resurrect the brains of three dead scientists, whose combined knowledge can create a formula to create the world’s most seriously explosive dispositivo: the Neutron Bomb. I know what you’re thinking: a superhero and a bomb with the same name? What are the odds? How do you even market yourself after that?

Assisting Caronte is Nick, a dwarf executioner with a uni-brow and pinched, high voice that sounds like he huffs helium for each of the day’s three low carb meals. Assisting Nick is a small army of “robots”, Caronte-made lifeforms with janitor overalls and faces that look like Pottery Barn™ planters that’ve been dropped on aisle two. They also have really messy hair because, hey, Caronte didn’t invent combs. Their job is to collect human blood to power the machine that powers the electricity jar that contains the speaking brains of the dead scientists, who all use their human voices, by the way. (Scientists can do anything.)

While all this is happening, Neutron (in his casual Friday street guise) and two other guys are almost at fisticuffs over the attentions of intentionally single singer/hottie, Nora Walker. They demand she makes a choice amongst her suitors. She does not. Too bad she doesn’t know one of ‘em is Neutron. Why, she could become Mrs. Neutron Bomb!

One of the death robots impersonates Neutron and kidnaps Nora. Not sure why. Maybe death robots are horny, too. And Caronte has spirited away the spiky neutron bomb into a traveling honeymoon couple’s suitcase. What a dick.

After much chasing, arguing and diversionary tactics, Neutron and Caronte go at it like they were fighting over the last buttery Crescent™ dinner roll. And fight they do — face fisting, slick wrestling moves, cannonballing from office furniture like it was a community pool diving board. Even the numerous stomach punches sound like face slaps.

Defeated, Caronte yells at Nick to pull the switch that’ll bring down the house in a way Nora never could. If you can’t figure out how this ends, then I have a talking science brain I wanna sell you.