Archive for Saw

Mutual Mutilation

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , on January 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Black House

Here’s a fun and educational thing to do: watch an insurance adjuster process fraudulent claims! (OK, I’m being a smidge douche-y here, but work with me.) Jeon Jun-oh is an insurance investigator who checks out people who kill their own family members for cash. That’s probably not a cool thing to do.

Black House

Once such guy is filing a claim on behalf of his son’s suicide. The police won’t help Jeon prove it was a murder for some silly reason. And the movie drags on and on. Then something horribly fun happens. Arms are put under industrial paper cutters. Eyes and mouths are stitched up without anesthetic. Stabbings occur to the stomach area. Keys get plunged into eyeballs. Black House (aka, Geomeun jip/2007) is way dull until the last ten minutes, then all holy WTF breaks loose.

Black House

The weird guy whom Jeon thought was trying to collect the insurance money was actually acting weird for a reason: someone cut off his arms! No more pouring your own cereal. Jeon’s girlfriend gets abducted because he’s too close to THE TRUTH. A quick search leads him to a veritable human slaughter house that’d give the guy in Saw (2004) a warm fuzzy feeling in his tummy.

Black House

The plot is sluggish (made even more tedious with the Korean sub-titles) and stretching things. (People killing people for insurance money? Come on — that stuff doesn’t happen in real life.) But the ending sequence is deliciously gruesome with body parts laying around like festive decorations and such. And I mean that in a delightful way.

Next Door Vampires, Ghost Studies, Mexican Haunted Houses

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fright Night

Fright Night, a highly entertaining suburban vampire movie, was released back in 1985. It spawned a same-named re-boot (not half bad) in 2011 and a toothless sequel (Fright Night 2: New Blood/2013). Despite Hollywood’s inept handling of a milkable franchise, the original film has since reached cult status and, like me, has a legion of fans. Ahem.

Fright Night

To commemorate writer director Tom Holland’s clever take on the theme (a teenager is convinced a vampire has moved next door to him), the rights to the film are being returned to him as part of the U.S. CongressCopyright Act of 1976. (Basically, the act granted artists the possibility to reclaim previously licensed works after 35 years. A cake walk — vampires can easily live was longer than three decades.)

Fright Night Resurection

But that’s not all — a 300-page paperback written by Holland is titled Fright Night Resurection and is being released on February 20, 2018. Hopefully someone will catch the typo in the header before they actually go to print. (Somebody should call Waterside, the publisher, to break the bad news.)

While we wait for someone to catch the embarrassing goof, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not feature sixth grade grammar…

Coffin 2

COFFIN 2 (available now)
Bobby Church is tasked with following up on a lead that the infamous Deathstalker killer has taken five hostages, including a cop. With help from some new friends and old enemies he must find their location before time runs out.”

Sounds like another rip-off of Saw. Must be rough going through life with the last name of “Church.” Does that mean when he he takes off his shoes, people go, “Pew!”?

The Gatehouse

THE GATEHOUSE (December 5, 2017)
“Jack is a struggling writer recovering from the death of his wife. In a coincidental turn of fate, Jack agrees to undertake a writing project about the ‘legend of the black flowers’ at the same time that his 10-year-old daughter Eternity discovers a mysterious object in the woods, and the forest wants it back. They’ve unlocked an ancient curse and must now fight for survival.”

Probably spoiler: the mysterious object the forest wants back is a pine cone. But not just any pine cone. This one is cursed. No big deal, though; like evil racoons and/or poisonous bears, most pine cones come pre-cursed.

Ghost Stories

GHOST STORIES (2018)
Professor Phillip Goodman, psychologist and arch-skeptic, has his rationality tested to the hilt when he stumbles across a long lost file containing details of three cases of terrifying ‘hauntings’. Shaken by what he has read, Goodman embarks upon a quest to find rational explanations for these stories. As Goodman digs into their stories, his carefully maintained rational world starts to dissolve around him – a trick of the mind or are darker forces at work?”

Sounds like a re-working of Skeptic (2009). I’m oddly okay with that. And yes, darker forces are at work. That, or cursed pine cones.

Deadtectives

DEADTECTIVES (2018)
In this hilarious take on the paranormal, TV’s DeadTectives are dispatched to Mexico’s most haunted mansion and are charged with the task of bringing ‘real’ scares and big ratings or face cancellation. However, when the true dark secrets of the mansion begin to reveal themselves the hapless presenters quickly discover that this house is no hoax. With zero ghost-hunting skills (or really any other applicable skills) the team has to figure out how to bust the ghosts, deliver the episode of a lifetime and escape the house with both their lives and their dignity.”

Great kicker line: “Fake hunters. Real Ghosts. Complete Dicks.” This one goes on the grocery list. But why go to Mexico to explore a haunted mansion? We have one on almost every block in the U.S.. In fact, I’m going to visit the one next door as soon as I drink some tea made with holy water.

Happy Horror-days, East Coast Aliens, Irish Witches

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Yuletide Terror: Christmas Horror On television And Film

Finally someone jumped on the holiday horror genre and did a book on ’em. With Christmas horror movies coming out every other day, hard to froth up my holiday attitude. But Yuletide Terror: Christmas Horror on Film And Television (releasing December, 2017/ Spectacular Optical) has your/our/my back.

Krampus

The press release is mega long, so I just included this section: “Yuletide Terror collects over 20 essays and interviews that will deck your halls with insightful looks at all your festive fright favorites, including the BBC’s A Ghost Story for Christmas anthology series and contentious 1980s Santa slashers like Silent Night, Deadly Night. Unwrapping the true meaning of films featuring everyone from the Krampus and Scrooge to killer snowmen and evil elves, Yuletide Terror is a comprehensive look at TV and cinematic holiday horror from around the world, and includes a compendium including nearly 200 Christmas horror film reviews.”

Krampus Kandy

Now THAT sounds like a perfect addition to the porcelain library. Mind you, this is a crowdfunded project and is a word selfie. Don’t let that dissuade you from buying it. People need to know what a dick Santa Claus is. (In your red face red guy; I told you there were consequences in not getting me that Batman costume with candy-loaded utility belt when I was young-ish.)

While we start applying eye drops in anticipation of reading this book, here are a few just-released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movie and documentaries to strain your vision…

The Grinn

THE GRINN (available now/VOD)
“A man awakens in an empty house that he is unable to leave. Battling fatigue, injury and amnesia, and guided only by a cryptic voice on his phone, he begins piecing together fractured memories of the events that led him to be trapped. With a terrifying presence confining him inside the house, he ultimately discovers a truth more horrifying than he could have ever imagined.”

Somebody’s watch Saw (2004) too many times. Or not enough. Not sure there’s a difference. As for the truth of a terrifying presence, it’s probably a mirror, because that’s what The Grinn feels like.

Inside Ben

INSIDE BEN (available now/VOD)
When a man faces his fears, he realizes agoraphobia isn’t his biggest problem. The surprise ending will leave you in awe!

Big statement – hope they can back that up. Then again, Inside Ben did win a 2017 award as an official selection at the International Hotel Horror Fest. I care not for that. I want my foldable pocket money to actually be usable for something other than sparkly toothpaste (it sparkles!) and Sasquatch plaster foot cast ashtrays. (P.S. I don’t smoke. Those things just look cool and make me happy for some reason.)

Invasion of Chestnut_Ridge

INVASION ON CHESTNUT RIDGE (available now/VOD/DVD)
Aliens. Hair-covered beasts. Mysterious lights in the forest. Giant birds. What do they all have in common? This new documentary film makes the case that a mountain range in Southwestern Pennsylvania is their home. The terrifying ‘invasion’ comes in the form of various phenomena that have been seen by ordinary people living in the area since the 1800s.”

The claim all these monsters and phenomena originate from a mountain range in Southwestern Pennsylvania seems like a way to stretch 20 minutes into an hour and a half (kinda like watching golf matches on TV). Pennsylvania might be hard to spell, but they’re cool. I’d like to point out that the Pacific Northwest is home to lots of paranormal things, like Bigfoot, UFOs, giant octopuses, me and…gasp!…volcanoes. We’re surrounded by those spooky things. Let’s hope they’re duds — don’t tempt fate by climbing one and throwing a cigarette butt in the crater. (I’d do it, but like I said a few sentences ago, I don’t smoke.)

Crone Wood

CRONE WOOD (2017/2018)
“After only meeting the night before, a young couple enter the woods of Ireland and discover that not all of the country has left its Pagan roots behind.”

They’re not pagans, they’re enthusiastic drinkers. Big difference, though both consort with witches. Heh. The kicker line says it’s a terrifying blend of Blair Witch and The Wickerman, ironically two of the not-even-being-close-to-terryifing horror movies.

Copy Cat Storms, Super Jewelry, Alien Doctors

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

With little more than a month to go (from this e-barfing) before the glorious day Justice League comes out (November 17, 2017, to belabor the point), now comes YET ANOTHER series of character posters of Batman, Cyborg, Aquaman, The Flash, Wonder Woman and…Green Lantern? Wait — how can that be? He should never have been let into the Justice League in the first place if all his power comes from jewelry. (Wonder Woman’s earrings are tougher than he is.)

Justice League

But be still, dear readers. The fan-made poster, magnificently done, comes from BossLogic, who also did a Superman version (complete with a Batman moustache). So you could call it fake news, or just marvel that it completes the set nicely and therefore your mom’s basement where you live because you can’t find a job will have balanced feng shui.

Justice League

While we contemplate the spiritual ramifications of a Chinese philosophical system of harmonizing everyone with the surrounding environment (even though it is closely linked to Taoism), here are a few just-released horror and sci-fi movies to play on your television. Be sure to feng shui (angle) it properly to invite peace (tell everyone to shut up) and prosperity (someone bring over some beer) to your living room…

AfterImages

AFTERIMAGES (available now/VOD)
“A collection of horror films appear in the ashes after a group of friends burn paper effigy cameras as offerings to the dead.”

Cool premise — wonder if that works with burning paper effigies of been cans as offerings to the thirsty dead? If a case of beer appears in the ashes, best to put it in the fridge for a while as beer that burns your tongue should be illegal. (It’s still beer, so don’t throw it away, you craft cocktail swilling snobs.)

Patient Seventeen

PATIENT SEVENTEEN (available now/VOD)
“A surgeon claims to remove highly advance implants, nanotechnology microchips embedded by aliens, non-humans monitoring our Earth. Discover the world of abductions, Scalar wave transmissions, and a program to study or manipulate the human race. Armed with a patient, a scalpel, black lights and a stud finder; we seek to verify the authenticity of this alleged Off-World Implant Technology.”

Couple of things — first, why does a surgeon need a stud finder? That’s like a proctologist using a turkey baster. Secondly, what the heck are Scalar wave transmissions? Got me curious so I clicked it up — “Scalar waves are also called electromagnetic longitudinal waves, Maxwellian waves, or Teslawellen (Tesla waves). Variants of the theory claim that Scalar electromagnetics (also known as Scalar energy) is the background quantum mechanical fluctuations and associated zero-point energies.” Like I understood one nanosecond of that.

My Litter Sister

MY LITTLE SISTER (available now/VOD)
“A group of friends go against warnings not to camp in the local woods, where a legendary monster named Little Sister is rumored to exist. As they defy all advice, one by one they soon fall victim to a family of deformed killers.”

Set ‘em up, knock ‘em down. As monster names go, a little more thought should’ve went into “Little Sister.” All little sisters are monsters, so not seeing the point where that would be scary.

Geo_Disaster

GEO-DISASTER (available now/VOD)
“A family in Los Angeles finds themselves in the center of a super volcano, a mega earthquake and a twister. While the world prepares for this near apocalyptic event, our heroes must survive on their own skills and wit to find safe passage.”

All you have to do is look at the title of this one and you’ll already know whose behind this preceding rip-off of Geo-Storm (2017) — The Asylum, a film studio globally known for being blatant movie plagiarists. You better hope they don’t get wind of the film biopic of your life — they’ll just change the title (make it plural) and recast you as a loser with cheap, digital special effects going off right next to your altered-just-enough-to-be-legal face.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (October 17, 2017)
To celebrate his 30th birthday, Tyler’s girlfriend, Kristen, takes him and two other couples to play the latest craze: ESCAPE ROOM. In an escape room, you are locked in a room and given one hour to figure out cryptic clues in order to escape. The group is led into a locked room and the clock starts ticking. They quickly sense something is wrong, the puzzles become increasingly difficult and increasingly deadly. One by one the escape room claims a new victim and the surviving players realize they are no longer playing a game; they are playing for their lives.”

Um, is this not the premise of Cube (1997) and/or Saw (2004)? I bet they went to a carnival funhouse or a corn maze to research the idea.

Finding UFOs, Imagined Ghosts, Whiskey Cake

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Detector

Found this old UFO Detector ad and it got me thinking — my old one is on its last legs and I need a new UFO Detector with more buttons and shinier lights. That means it’ll work better.

So did my old UFO Detector — purchased on eBay™ for $800 actually work? Yes and no. Yes, in that it kept detecting things I was cooking (unidentified frying objects). No, in that I was unable to get a refund.

Speaking of getting your money back for bogus products, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not detect anything but how much disposable income you have in your wallet and how few operating brain cells you have left in your head…

The Basement

THE BASEMENT (October 7, 2017/ Shriekfest Film Festival)
“An L.A. serial killer known as The Gemini, tortures and ultimately murders his victims in the dungeon-like basement of his San Fernando Valley home. Gemini has already claimed seven victims, all of whom he has horrifyingly maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch, but Craig Owen, the famed musician who Gemini has chosen for his eighth victim, and Craig’s beautiful wife Kelly prove every bit the killers equal in the art of psychological warfare, giving rise to one of the more diabolical plot twists in recent memory.”

Maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch. Along with peanut butter and olive loaf sandwiches, several words you probably wish to never hear again. But apparently there are enough torture porn freaks out there (looking in your direction every one of you) to make this a mouth-curling viewing experience.

1922

1922 (October 29, 2017/Netflix™)
1922 is based on Stephen King’s 131-page story telling of a man’s confession of his wife’s murder. The tale is told from the perspective of Wilfred James, the story’s unreliable narrator who admits to killing his wife, Arlette, with his son in Nebraska. But after he buries her body, he finds himself terrorized by rats and, as his life begins to unravel, becomes convinced his wife is haunting him.”

Horror author icon Stephen King continues his hot streak with this offering of old time-y ghosts, real or imagined. The rats are real, though. They make up most of the population of Nebraska from what the Internet tells me. I want to believe.

Halloween Pussy Trap KIll! Kill!

HALLOWEEN PUSSY TRAP KILL! KILL! (October 27, 2017)
“On Halloween an all girl rock-n-roll band called Kill Pussy Kill ventures out to play their biggest show to date. However, before hitting the road they manage to unwittingly upset a man. Unfortunately, this man turns out to be an evil genius dead set on revenge and manages to lure the girls into his Hell House. When they wake up from being gassed, they find themselves trapped inside an inescapable room filled with a vicious variety of devices that can kill them as well as a variety of weapons that can be used on each other. The rules are simple: advance through all three rooms and you are allowed to go free. The catch is, in order to make it to the next room, someone must die! With a ticking clock, and the mastermind watching, the question becomes — are you willing to kill to stay alive?”

A nice homage to Russ MeyersFaster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965). That one has voluptuous, sadistic go-go dancers causing all sorts of misc. heckaroo. Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! sounds like a segment from any one of the Saw movies. I prefer go-go dancers with a penchant for low-cut fashion-ware and purse cutlery.

Impossible Horror

IMPOSSIBLE HORROR (2018)
“Every night a scream rings out in the same neighborhood. Two insomniac strangers, Lily the filmmaker and Hannah the game designer, head out together into the darkness to find the cause. Is it a psychotic killer claiming a new victim? A murderous ghost out for revenge? A flesh-eating monster? All of the above with extra chainsaws? Before they know it, Lily and Hannah have gone from being scream hunters to scream prey, and an evil force wants them dead.  If they can both survive the night, they may just find the answers they’re looking for, but the price will have to be paid in sanity and blood.”

Sounds like another typical night at TGI Fridays™. And yes, “evil force” is on their menu under desserts: Tennessee Whiskey Cake (Toffee cake, candied pecans, vanilla ice cream. Butterscotch Jack Daniel’s® Whiskey sauce.) The price is whatever the going rate for a soul is these days.

Killer Homework

Posted in Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , on September 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nine Dead

Nine people with no immediate connection are systematically stalked, stun-gunned, kidnapped, and handcuffed to poles in a windowless room in some warehouse no doubt covered in lead paint and icky bugs. Sounds like one of my typical weekends.Nine DeadA masked person explains to his captive audience that they have 10 minutes to figure out why they’re here. If they can’t answer the question, he shoots one of ’em into deadness until they finish their homework.

Nine Dead

Taking its obvious lead from Saw (2004) and a few dozen others, Nine Dead’s (2010) conclusion is wordy and weighted down by its complexity. Kinda like a nine-course meal with gun powder for dessert.

Nine Dead

The ending is somewhat predictable, but it’s the last few seconds that’ll have you calling up your next door neighbor, the one who lives in a windowless warehouse, and going, “What the hell?”

In all, mildly entertaining, but it needed more ammunition.

Capes, Wooden Horror, Godzilla’s Frenemies

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla: King of Monsters

The new Justice League (releasing November, 2017) movie key art shows Superman, who “died” in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), standing with the team of superheroes Batman assembled to fight what looks to be human-esque dragonflys with glow-y eyes. Wonder how they brought him back from the dead? Maybe brined his corpse in yellow sun juice or something.

This is all cool ‘n stuff, but I’m looking forward to seeing the new Aqua Man and another chance to see Wonder Woman clearing the dance floor. (If you haven’t seen the new WW movie, what the double heck is wrong with you?)

Speaking of, here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi to anticipate as if unwrapping a thoughtful gift from, say, 7-Eleven™…

GODZILLA: KING OF MONSTERS (March 22, 2019)
“The new story follows the heroic efforts of the crypto-zoological agency Monarch as its members face off against a battery of god-sized monsters, including the mighty Godzilla, who collides with Mothra, Rodan, and his ultimate nemesis, the three-headed King Ghidorah. When these ancient super-species — thought to be mere myths — rise again, they all vie for supremacy, leaving humanity’s very existence hanging in the balance.”

The sound you just heard was me screaming giddily. (F-you to my upstairs neighbor — you make way more noise than me.) The above info was actually teased right to your face if you sat through the end credits of Kong: Skull Island (2017), which showed petroglyphs (rock art) of Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah gettin’ their Godzilla game faces on.

Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah

Don’t get me wrong — I loved the MUTOs (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms) in the 2014 Godzilla movie. Heck they got more screen time than Godzilla himself, which gave the Internet external hemorrhoids. But to have three classic kaiju that first locked it up with G in 1964’s Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, is nothing short of Christmas times a billion. And I say that without hyperbole.

The Evil In Us

THE EVIL IN US (July 4, 2017 (DVD)(Walmart)/August 29, 2017 (VOD)(DVD)
“While on a fourth of July holiday, six best friends fall victim to the insidious plan of a terrorist organization when they unknowingly take a bio-active drug that transforms them into bloodthirsty cannibals.”

Bloodthirsty cannibals or…ZOMBIES? A rose by any other name. I bet the bio-active drug was an energy drink purchased at a convenient store not unlike a certain 7-Eleven™.

Annabelle Creation

ANNABELLE CREATION (August 11, 2017)
“A dollmaker and his wife who, 20 years after the tragic death of their little girl, welcome a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage into their home. Soon, however, the nun and the girls become the target of the dollmaker’s possessed creation, Annabelle.”

Ugh — I was hoping to avoid writing about this one again (Had to update the poster as I’m often compelled to do.) More puppet horror, which, from what the Internet is e-saying, is the start of a franchise. This was already done with the 13 Puppet Master movies, which began way back in 1989. But if Hollywood can make a quick buck, then Hollywood will.

Joigsaw

JIGSAW (October 28, 2017)
“Bodies are turning up around the city, each having met a uniquely gruesome demise. As the investigation proceeds, evidence points to one man: John Kramer. But how can this be? The man known as Jigsaw has been dead for over a decade. Or has an apprentice picked up the mantle of Jigsaw, perhaps even someone inside the investigation?”

This is more gleeful news — taking off where the brutal yet wickedly entertaining Saw franchise ended in 2010 (seven movies plus one film short). I i-burped this before, but the Saw movies combined is one of the most successful franchises in movie history. You can win bar bets with that bit ‘o information. And I have.

Fredheads

FREDHEADS (2017/2018)
FredHeads is a documentary about the fandom of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and how it has changed the lives of so many people. The documentary will follow three fans as they tell their story and what their journey in the Nightmare community has been; some as fans, others rising through popularity. Along the way, we will be filming at conventions and getting as many fan stories as possible to feature as many fans as we can in the documentary.”

Awesome — a nice tribute to Wes Craven and his horror masterpiece. As they are filming fans at conventions, this could legally pave the way for my co-star credit along side of Freddy Krueger. Prior to this, I was just Photoshopping myself next to Freddy on all his movie posters. (In one we even appear to be BFFs.)