15th Century Kaiju, Mechanical Monkey, Hand-y Horror

What if Godzilla was stomping around in the 1500s, deliberately stepping on minstrels, catchin’ a few PPV jousting matches and kickin’ it old school with Leonardo da Vinci? That’s the premise — Godzilla in the 1500s, not the other cool stuff I mentioned — of IDW™’s new comic miniseries, Godzilla: Here There Be Dragons.

From IDW™’s press release: “In the 1500s, before humanity had successfully traveled the entire globe, it was believed that monsters ruled the oceans just beyond the horizon. ‘Here there be dragons…’ was written on maps to denote the areas people dared not go. That is, until Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the seas, visiting foreign lands and collecting treasure. Or…at least that’s what history tells us. The truth is, tremendous beasts did lurk yonder, dwelling on an island that doesn’t appear on any map, even to this day. And among those monsters was the king of them all…Godzilla!”

Godzilla might like the 1500s as there was a lot of dung hitting the fans back then. The first printed bible in English was published in 1526 and rose to the top of the fiction carts. In his 1543 book, On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres, Polish astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus caused another revolution, by stating that science, not religion, best explains how the universe works. (I totally copied every word of that off this thing called the “Internet.”) The first National Lottery was created in 1567. And people jumped in their carts and flash mobbed the local 7-Eleventh™ for scratchers. And in 1595, The Widdows Treasures by John Partridge was published and claimed to contain a cure for drunkeness. Laughter around the local pubs when passages were read out loud.

So while you look forward to Godzilla’s adventures in the past (the first comic comes out in June, 2023/$3.99), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not encourage rampant drunkeness…

APE VS. MECHA APE / Out now (VOD)

“Recognizing the destructive power of its captive giant ape, the military makes its own battle-ready A.I. — Mecha Ape. But its first practical test goes horribly wrong, leaving the military no choice but to release the imprisoned giant ape to stop the colossal robot before it destroys downtown Chicago.”

YEST ANOTHER rip-off movie from Asylum Studios™, who never had an original movie in their photocopy brains. This one “pays homage” to King Kong Escapes (1967), in which the massive monkey meets his mechanical doppelgänger. It’s free to watch on YouTube™, in case you’re so motivated.

TRINKET BOX / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

A newlywed couple move to a new home set on starting new beginnings, but an historical evil, locked away for years, is about to break free and wreak havoc on their relationship and their lives.

Three words come to mind: mother-in-law.

ANTHROPOPHAGUS II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of female students and their lecturer, Nora, camp inside a bomb bunker to do research on the theses they are writing. After being escorted by a sinister-looking janitor, the girls prepare to spend 24 hours locked in the bunker. In the middle of the night, two of them disappear without a trace. Nora coordinates the search, but soon the survivors find themselves trapped in a maelstrom of violence at the hands of an anthropophagus.”

The only thing scarier than an anthropophagus is trying to pronounce its name.

THE NEW HANDS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bram Victor is dumped by his girlfriend he is convinced it’s because of his ugly hands. Mangled, unattractive, he becomes convinced that a pair of new hands will bring her back. What to do? Since he is a serial killer, he comes to realize that a new set of hands from beautiful victims is the only way to win back the girl of his dreams.”

A serial killer who will go to extremes for love? You gotta…hand…it to him. Heh.

Shades of Demonic Baldness

Shades of Darkness (2000) is an overly-complex independent horror video that throws everything into the pot: crazed townsfolk on a vigilante kick, a good twin and a bad twin, time travel, lightning bolts, and…the Titanic! Ambition is the only thing not lacking here.

Problem is, the plot about a young, almost attractive girl with a blouse answering the voices in her dreams to return to her hometown to confront a malevolent force, gets too bogged down by the story line when they should have been using more lightning bolts.

Apparently, a bald guy manifested his hate about something (male pattern baldness?) into an evil doppelganger with a spooky voice. This skinheaded demon has a plan to destroy the women’s hometown for some reason. The women deal with this by traveling back and forward in time, ending up on both versions of the Titanic (floating and non-floating).

The effects aren’t too low-rent (the lightning bolts are kinda neat), and the acting is serviceable (although the dialogue could use a few swigs). Never could figure out why the evil bald twin was so hell bent on wrecking the town. Oh, well.

TV Exorcisms, Human Shake ’n Bake, Family Ghosts

Diggin’ the latest teaser key art for The Exorcist, Chapter 2, which premiers September 29, 2017 on Fox™. The first season was suprisingly cool as sick, so I look forward to being possessed by the second season. My only hope is that they’ll show more evil throw up scenes as I’m tired of seeing it performed live in dive bars.

Speaking of public displays of affection, here are a few now recently released horror movies (trying to get through the backload) that may or may not give you a case of the technicolor yawns…

THE EVIL WITHIN (available now)
“A lonely, mentally handicapped boy who befriends his reflection in an antique mirror. This demonic creature orders him to go on a murderous rampage to kill the people he loves most.”

I don’t like the guy in my mirror. While the reflection doesn’t at first appear to be too demonic, he always seems so smug and constantly fussing with his hair as if some sort of diva doppelgänger. And when he brushes his teeth, he looks like a rabid dog and gets Colgate™ foam all over the mirror and his shirt — and just leaves it there! What a tool.

REVELATOR (available now)
“John Dunning, a disgraced psychic who sees the dead, is thrust in the midst of the embattled Bellvue family empire, and must investigate the suspicious death of the last heir, while cynical journalist Valerie Kreuger documents his every move; but when the death is ruled a murder and John the sole suspect, he must venture into the depths of madness to uncover the truth about the family and their power, before he loses his mind — or worse.”

Isn’t the term “disgraced psychic” an oxymoron? As for venturing into the depths of madness, isn’t that called “Congress”? If I were to hire a pyschic, I’d ask him/her if there’s a beer in my future and… Wait, I must be a psychic as I’m foretelling the answer as being a resounding yes! I bet I’m an heir to at least a keg’s worth. Sweet!

200 DEGREES (available now)
“A stock broker awakens inside a sealed industrial kiln. A mysterious voice informs him that if he does not hand over $1 million, the temperature inside will steadily increase until he is burned alive.”

Kiln ’em all — heh. A million smackos doesn’t seem like too much to ask. Maybe the killer could charge different amounts for rare, medium, and well done. Restaurants do it all the time.

THE ATONING (available now)
“Haunted by ghostly apparitions, two parents try to protect their son from a terrible secret from their past that could destroy their family.”

All families have terrible secrets. You don’t need ghosts to point that out. My terrible family secret is that we’re all normal. I feel so ashamed. Don’t look at me.

Ghost Lives Matter

Riding The Bullet (2004), adapted from the Stephen King novella of the same name of all things, is not one of the better King horror movies out there. Not surprising, as director Mick Garris had done four weak SK’s adaptations (Sleepwalkers/1992, The Stand/1994, The Shining re-boot that needed to be given the boot/1997, Quicksilver Highway/1997, prior to this unfulfilling mess. (Garris later went on to do several more King movies: Desperation/2006 and Bag of Bones/2011).

Riding the Bullet is set in October, 1969. Hippies, gateway drug pot, rock and/or roll, and only one pair of bare boobies. Alan, morose college art student (i.e., hippie) is pretty certain his hot girlfriend is breaking up with him, despite her wanting to smooch his scruffy emo face. On his birthday he smokes pot, drinks non-twist top booze and attempts to commit suicide while taking a bubble bath with candles. A demon appears to urge him on. Alan’s friends bust into the bathroom to birthday surprise him, only to see he’s slit his wrist. Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?

Later finding out his widowed mom had a stroke and is in the hospital, Alan hitchhikes in the dark (about 100 miles) to emote at her bedside. His companion is his own doppelganger who calls B.S. on his poor decision making process.

As Alan accepts rides from red flag travelers (draft dodger, old man with a hernia, greaser demon ghost), he endures alternate situation scenes and confusing flashbacks wherein his mom tells a young Alan his dad is dead, having been involved in a car accident. That’s funny; could’ve sworn he opted out by sucking on the end of a shotgun.

As with all King movies, there’s a self-discovery underpinning that didn’t translate to the big screen this time. What works extraordinarily well on paper (say, a book), doesn’t have enough time to flesh itself out on your TV. So hit the gas pedal on the thrills – the greaser demon ghost gives Alan a ride. He died earlier years prior whilst ramming his sweet 1958 Plymouth Fury into a truck transporting pumpkins to market (same car in King’s Christine/1983), and gets his head cut off from all those super sharp pumpkin shards.

The greaser demon ghost tells Alan he has to choose between him and his hospitalized mom who gets to go to Hell, with the Ride the Bullet roller coaster ride of Alan’s youth that he was too much of a p*ssy to ride as a kid, as the metaphor for the whole flippin’ film.

Later, adult Alan reflects on his hippie past, his now dead mom, his ex-wife (he married his college girlfriend for four years) and the greaser ghost demon, who shows up to offer him a ride. Alan tells him to go away. The end.

If you didn’t read the book (sorry, I was busy), this leaves a pumpkin truck load of questions unanswered. You’re left dangling like a severed head. For instance, what was the back story of his dad painting the walls with his particulate matter? I’m guessing it was he found out his son would grow up to be a pot-smoking emo wuss who was too scared to ride the bullet. Dad did – and look how nicely that turned out!

The Pain In Spain Falls Mainly On My Face

A sub-titled Spanish psycho-drama, Abre Los Ojos (aka, Open Your Eyes/1997) involves a young, rich guy who is so handsome, he could be my doppelganger. More or less.

A car accident leaves his photo framing-worthy mug horribly scarred and eventually warps his mind to the point where he’s having trouble sorting out reality from his fantasy world in which he had his face repaired and is compromising his best friend’s girlfriend.

All things being equal, he ends up killing a chick while horizontally dating her, just to make sense of his nightmare, the poor guy. But that’s just the beginning.

Where this incredible gem throws its knockout punch is near the end, which is a twist of biblical proportions. That the boobies are perfecto and are but a mere bonus; the story is quite riveting. Sci-fi, horror, suspense, naked stuff, Abre Los Ojos is mucho grande.

P.S. Abre Los Ojos/Open Your Eyes was remade in as Vanilla Sky in 2001 and stars Tom Cruise, who is pretty much my doppelganger.

Lunar Madness

In the critically butt-kissed Moon (2009), Sam Bell works on the Moon base Sarang. Since it’s the Moon, every day is a night shift. Heh. He’s been there three years, scraping the moon’s surface for Helium-3. (He gets to keep any pocket change he finds, though.) LUNAR, his employers, have sent a transmission that his shift is nearly over, and to prepare for the latest employee to arrive. This means hiding those dirty magazines in an airlock or nearby crater.

Aside from a talking computer named GERTY that runs the space station (I would’ve named it Pocket Pal 3000), Sam’s the only one on the Moon. So how is it he sees someone standing outside on the Moon’s surface? Is it a member of Pink Floyd? Is it Space Jesus? Sam decides to find out.

While gunning his future tractor to the mysterious body, he crashes and before losing consciousness, switches his suit to life support. Good thing, as there’s no air on the Moon. (I found that out from the Internet.) Sam wakes up in the sick bay and overhears GERTY having a conversation with LUNAR, telling the computer to not let Sam outside the house.

 Sam manages to trick the computer and heads back to the wreck, where he finds…himself! Bringing his doppelganger to the base, the two try to cope with each other’s existence. Talk about space madness — one Sam is agitated, the other calm and logical. If there were two of me in a space station, there’d be a fight to the death over whatever Romulan Ale was left in the fridge.

Sam #1 is getting sick and looks like he has the space flu. Sam #2 seems to be as healthy as a fresh Moon peach. Sick Sam slowly uncovers clues as to why there are two of him and… He needs to complete the mystery before the relief ship gets to the Moon and spanks his moon for crashing the company tractor.

When Sam discovers the sad truth, it’s not pretty. You’ll probably even cry comsos tears when you find out. A three-stage twist sets up a finish that, while not accompanied by UFOs or laser beams, is quite gratifying and satisfying, and any other words that rhymes with those two. Moon is an unconventional but way cool sci-fi film. Makes me wanna go to the Moon. I’ll have to put that on my bucket list.

Russian Ghosts

Inheriting the farm house (which is roughly the size of The Shining’s Overlook Hotel’s guest parking garage), a woman with a checkered past travels to Russia to inspect the property. But she doesn’t want the house that hasn’t been lived in for forty years as it will need about 500 coats of paint and a serious exorcising. But she’s seeking information on her knife-perforated mom – and coming “home” seems a good place to start. At first.

Twin doppelgangers roam the house and look to be in grievous disrepair. And whatever you do to them happens to you. Hence, the hole in the man’s leg when he shoots his flesh-torn twin in the femur region.

As the clock nears midnight, what happened in the house all those reverse years ago begins to replay itself: The dad comes home from work, perforates mom with a knife and takes the newborns out to the barn where hideous and hungry black pigs live. At this point you better have a strong stomach. The next few minutes are flinchy ones, but you have to keep watching if you wanna know more about the care and feeding of hideous black pigs in case you ever buy some at the mall.

The ghosts, looking downright spooky, are getting closer to achieving their goal. I’d tell you what that is, but then those ghosts would probably get me. The Abandoned (2006) takes a while to build up steam, but the final scene is very tasty – like a big plate of black pig bacon.

Trading Faces

A young supermodel doctor sees herself driving down a London street and it freaks her out. Especially since she would never be caught dead wearing that hideous ensemble of out-of-season colors.

That she follows herself  and ends up getting in a violent car crash is about the only thing you’ll be able to understand in The Broken (2008), a needlessly confusing head-scratcher. (Note to people who scratch their heads – try using Tegrin™ medicated shampoo or just don’t watch this movie.)

For whatever reason, her mirror doppelganger is committing murders onto her boyfriend and some other people no one gives a bagel about, thereby setting up the letting of blood.

Not particularly suspenseful, but man, is it full of blah, blah, blah. The Broken is aptly titled.