Archive for Robin

TV Superheroes, Wooden Evil, Bad Babies

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Daily Planet

Cracking up over the “cover story” of the Daily Planet (where Superman as Clark Kent works for minimum wage) about superheroes uniting to protect the Earth. Whoever mocked this up is a flippin’ genius and probably drinks a lot of smart water.

Lois Lane and Clark Kent

The article is “written” by Lois Lane. So awesome. But it’s the photo of Superman (George Reeves), Batman (Adam West), Robin (Burt Ward) Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) and Aquaman (Lloyd Bridges) that’s even better because none of these heroes overlapped in the same time/universe. Conclusive proof: Adventures of Superman aired from 1952 — 1958. Batman aired from 1966 — 1968. Wonder Woman aired from 1975 — 1979. And Sea Hunt (here’s the genius part) aired from 1958 — 1961. Outside of a pilot episode that sunk faster than a heavy metal clam, there was no Aquaman TV series. There was, however, a cartoon series that ran from 1967 — 1970, so someone cast former United States Navy frogman Mike Nelson (Lloyd Bridges) as the scuba-doo underwater hero (Sea Hunt ran for 155 episodes). That he was depicted as Aquaman (in his original DC Comics suit) is full-on brilliant. P.S. Aquaman was punked by Man From Atlantis, which ran from 1977 — 1978, and featured a guy with “amphibious abilities.” That is so low tide.

Sea Hunt

While I go to Metropolis to get a copy of the Daily Planet and frame it, here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worthy of a Lois Lane cover story…

Blood Child

BLOOD CHILD (available now)
“After suffering a devastating miscarriage in Singapore, Ashley turns to a witch doctor to help her with the occult practice of raising a ‘ghost child’ and finding the spirit of her lost child. After returning to the States, Ashley and her husband Bill find themselves pregnant again. However, their happiness is short lived as the pregnancy acts as a catalyst for a series of terrifying events that start to occur within their home. The family soon learns that Ashley has brought back a lot more than just memories from Asia. The spirit of their lost child is not about to play second fiddle to the impending new arrival, and unleashes an unspeakable evil upon the household.”

YET ANOTHER evil kid birth movie. Start with Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and go from there. So what do you feed the little home wrecker — Gerber’s™ Demon Peas? (Their strained Hell bananas, though, are to die for. No pun intended.)

RootwoodROOTWOOD (2018)
“Students Jessica and William are hosting The Spooky Hour, a podcast about paranormal phenomena and urban legends, when they’re hired by the Hollywood film producer Laura Benott to produce a horror documentary about the Curse of the Wooden Devil. They smell a chance to become famous. Together with their friend Erin they enter Rootwood Forest and investigate the area to find out the truth about the Wooden Devil and his victims.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER Blair Witch Project (1999) knock-off/rip-off. What if they get there, only to find out the Wooden Devil is just handmade birdhouse? We can only hope satanic seagulls live in it.

The Wind

THE WIND (2018)
“A supernatural thriller set in the Western frontier of the late 1800s, where a plains-woman is driven mad by the harshness and isolation of the untamed land.”

She’s not looking at the plus side of living way out in the middle of nowhere. No traffic, noisy neighbors and plenty of flesh-eating buffalo to play fetch with and occasionally rub their fuzzy bellies (they really like that). Sounds like a slice of Heaven to me.

Isabelle

ISABELLE (2019)
“An all-American couple dream of starting a family is shattered after they move into the perfect New England neighborhood. Once settled, they soon after descend into the depths of terror as they struggle to survive a genuine threat from a dark presence that appears to want to end their very lives.”

Though this one was originally titled, The Wanting, it should’ve been called The Republicans. It also describes me in a dive bar, or “unkempt tavern.”

Supermodel Science Experiment

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Splice

Splice (2010) is a sci-fi horror film about bio-experiments gone wild that finally answers the question: “Do these genes make me look fat?” 

Clive and Elsa, two biochemists working for a profit-minded corporation, create a male and female life form that, when harvested, will produce a protein that’ll make animals juicier and tastier, thereby generating more sales. Naming the meatloaf/tongue couple “Fred & Ginger” (cute — they even had a Sid & Nancy, but no Batman & Robin), in order to take it to the next step, the young scientists want to splice this new animal DNA with human DNA to unlock the secret of diseases, like swollen butt and puffy elbow, thereby generating even more profits for the corporation. 

Splice

The answer is hell no, but Clive and Elsa forge ahead in private and give birth to a rat-legged human type creature with a butter top noggin. The woman names this new species “Dren” (N.E.R.D. spelled backward, the name of the company they work for), and dresses it up in little girl’s clothes and gives it teddy bears and dolls.

Splice

Prior to that, Clive wanted to gas the unholy thing, and even tried drowning it, which is the mandate of science. But this little cutie is growing at an exponential rate and is developing things like wings, a stinger tail, and boobies. She can communicate, but only speaks in a noise that sounds like a cross between a chipmunk and Flipper. This “flipmunk” noise gets screechy when she’s stressed, and purring when she makes out with you. Just like women in real life.

Splice

Getting Dren out of the lab and sequestered in a barn that Elsa became owner of after her cruel mother died, they try and keep her entertained. She’d rather eat live rabbits and take her clothes off. But Elsa’s mental state is doing a slow grind into that of her strict mother, acting overly “parental.” She even took a homeless cat away from her, just in case someone got hungry in the middle of the night. All the time Clive keeps screaming about how this is all wrong, but goes along with it anyway because he’s kind of a wuss, letting Elsa walk all over him.

Splice

Playing Eve to his Adam, she gets him to take a bite of the hothouse apple. He takes a big bite; There’s a rather uncomfortable scene where Clive and Dren become more than just friends. But he has one on the chick scientist, too — that human DNA didn’t come from a nameless donor. Ethics and “rules” become more distorted and Dren starts changing — and it’s not into something more comfortable.

Splice

Dren is eerily gorgeous, though I could do without the rat legs and four-fingered hand feet. The tail’s cool, and while she’s bald with a crease dividing her head into two equal parts (it doesn’t open the way a toaster oven door might), it’s Dren’s “at one with nature” exhibitionism that makes her the supermodel alternate life-form of the year.

Splice

If you’ve seen Xtro (1983), you know how this baby (sorry) ends. And you’ll pick up on elements spliced (sorry) from such “science inside-out” movies as Frankenstein (1931), Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein (1973, one part, anyway), and Species (1995), with a little E.T.: The Extraterrestrial (1982) thrown in.

Conquering Werewolves and Boobies

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Conquest

Hard to tell in what place in time Conquest – a  1983 Italian psychedelic schlock horror fantasy flick – takes place. All you need to know is that there’s cave condos, a werewolf army, gauze zombies, stink fog everywhere, a magic bow and arrow, and lots and lots of bare boobies.

Conquest

A topless, iron-masked queen wearing nothing else except a business card sized bikini bottom is having nightmares of a faceless guy with a magic bow and arrow perforating her chest. As she dreams she lets a huge snake explore her lower zip code area. I know this is all a metaphor, but for what?

Conquest

The werewolf army feeds on 99.9% naked and young cave dweller girls because “they taste better.” Need serving portions? No problem – each grab a leg and pull. (Conquest features a buffet of graphic gore scenes.)

Conquest

Meanwhile, Illias (rhymes with Idiot), a feisty young man in a toga, is tasked by the ghost gods with ending the evil queen’s boobfest. To rock this party, Illias hooks up with Mace, a mentor muscle man with Fabio hair and a bear diaper. This could very well be the sowrd and sorcery version of Batman and Robin.

Conquest

The werewolf army is sent to capture the dynamic duo and bring them to Ocron, the naked queen. That the werewolves just took the guys and not the tastier cave girls suggest they might be rearwolves. A sequel, perhaps.

Conquest

The boys manage to break free and continue their plagued journey. Illias gets gooey pus boils all over his upper and lower toga. Mace gets caught and crucified by gauze zombies and dumped in the ocean, where dolphins free him using only their snouts. And dang it, a main character’s head gets chopped off.

Conquest

How the heck do you top all of that? Magic bow and arrow time, with one shot delivering multiple cartoon arrows that find their hairy/guaze-y/naked-y targets in a rushed climax that’ll have you slapping your own head and going, “WTF?”

Conquest

Yep, Conquest is that bad and that good. You’ll have to look through many caves to find a movie with such noble and naked attributes.