Archive for coven

Naked and Nude Witch

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart (1992) starts out with a short bit with 6’1” B-movie goddess Julie Strain, naked, showering, putting on her makeup, styling her hair and being spectacularly naked.

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

She’s prepping for her role as a stripper/singer Belladonna. FYI: Julie lets ’em out of the blouse bag again during her performance at a club called Coven. Apparently, she sold her soul to become a successful rock star. (The asking price about that of a TV dinner.)

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

There’s a warlock talking in an echo-y voice who owns Belladonna and makes her strip instead of sing. Most of the movie, though, is about someone looking for someone, blah, blah, blah. 

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Julie has sexuals with him in a romantic freight elevator, which you only hear and not really see. (The sex, not the elevator.) That displeased me. The other irritation point is the plot almost has nothing to do with witchcraft, and plods along as a really complicated and boring murder mystery.

Julie Strain

Forget the movie and just watch Julie doing that naked stuff in the intro. Like I’m doing right now. For the fifth time.

Man Witch

Posted in Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Covenant

Four teenage preppie dudes with supernatural abilities that would’ve gotten them burnt at the stake in the 1600s, drive around Ipswich, Massachusetts in new convertibles, thwart bullies with their powers, pose and say stuff like, Harry Potter can kiss my ass!” 

The Covenant

The pretty boy-centric The Covenant (2006) is like The Craft (1996) starring the Backstreet Boys. The eldest “man witch” is scheduled to ascend on his eighteenth birthday, meaning his mystical testicles drop, thereby increasing his magic skillz and dreamy eyes to the power of one thousand. There’s a catch: every time you use the power it ages you. The other catch: it’s extremely addictive, like the new Fall fashions they all wear.

The Covenant

Along comes another descendant who also has powers and power eyebrows, but is totally not cool. He forces a confrontation with the lead man-boy who looks JCPenney™ catalog worthy when he pouts, but when he smiles seems to have six or seven extra teeth, which kinda goons me out.

The Covenant

As he’s about to ascend, the mean catalog model wants to suck his foe’s power sauce and make his trickster attributes a double thousand times what he’s currently packin’. There’s a couple of hot chicks, but none show much more than their panties, although two bare butts — male and female — make brief (ahem) appearances.

The Covenant

If I had man witch powers and dreamy eyebrows, first thing I’d do is go accessory shopping at JCPenney™. Their Fall fashion line is to die for.

Devil Dolls, Witch Wedding Crashers, Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Heidi

Been toying with the idea to do a run-down of all the streaming horror/sci-fi movie chanels. Turns out there’s a lot, so that means work. I’ll probably call in sick so as to not work. Shudder™ tops the short list of good ones, but it can’t match YouTube™ for its unlicenced use of practically every horror movie ever made in broadcast quality ranging from beer goggles to bent antenna. Anyway, try Midnight Pulp, American Horrors and/or Frightpix (warning — if you don’t pay Frightpix’s admittedly cheap subscription, you’re gonna have to endure a commercial every two minutes.)

Speaking of wading in crap, here’s a few upcoming ones to consider stepping in…

HEIDI (Available now)
“After investigating a neighbor’s attic, two high school pranksters are increasingly plagued by a series of disturbing, supernatural events involving a creepy, vintage doll named Heidi. As she stalks them day and night, no one will take their claims seriously until it is too late.”

An odd trend in horror movies these days, using painted wooden dolls as the source of all which plagues non-painted/non-wooden citizens. It came back with the Puppetmaster series and got more mileage with Annabelle from The Conjuring franchise (the doll now has its own stand-alone film coming out in 2017). Its moderate success spread to horror lite flicks as The Boy (2016) and The Doll (2016) to rat out a few.

This is nothing new; possessed dolls go way back in time and have a long history of gooning out people who own them. The one that got to me as a kid was that messed up Zuni hunting fetish doll in Trilogy of Terror (aka, Terror of the Doll) back in 1975. Soiled my Underoos™, I did.

7 Witches

7 WITCHES (April 14, 2017)
“As their big day approaches Cate and Cody should be celebrating, they’ve got their family with them, and rented an island for the big day. Unbeknownst to them their wedding falls on the day when a 100 year old curse comes to fruition. Instead of celebrating they find themselves fighting for their lives as a coven of witches rise for revenge.”

Time to fire your wedding planner. Geez, of all the things to disrupt the happiest day of your life (for a few months, anyway), you’d think it’d be a drunk relative and not a flippin’ witch. Wonder what the witches will give the bride as a household wedding gift — a broom? Heh.

Sharknado

SHARKNADO 5 (August 6, 2017)
“With much of North America lying in ruins, the rest of the world braces for the inevitable — a global sharknado. Fin Shepard and his family must put a stop to this disaster before Earth is completely obliterated.”

Man, this joke has worn itself so thin, it should be shown on wax paper. The best — and worse — part of these Sharknado droppings are the C-list “celebrities” lining up with make cameos inside the shark’s mouth. I don’t know if I’ll be flattered or insulted if they ever get around to calling me.

Nails

NAILS (2017)
Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her. Believing her to be experiencing a mental breakdown, Dana’s family brush away her concerns. Becoming increasingly terrified, Dana soon realizes that she may not be the only target. Unable to leave her bed, she risks losing the ones she cares for most.”

If you’re seeing an evil presence in the hospital, it may be time to up the morphine drip. Then you won’t care who the entity goes after. High or not, it’d be really funny if the evil presence tripped over a full bed pan. Just thinking about it is making me LOL.

Cove Coven

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bay Cove

Jerry and Linda, freshly married and wanting to break out of the rat race (he does, she doesn’t), buy a house on the idyllic island of Bay Cove, a small community full of scenic views, apple trees and  a sacrificial witch coven.

Bay Cove The coven needs to offer some non-witch blood during a full moon on the eve of something or rather, and they’ve chosen Linda as their donor. This will allow their pact with satan to stay in place for another 300 years.

Bay Cove

The clues as to the island residents’ evil background come in the form of a sparse cemetery (hardly anyone dies), a pet dog and pet best friend being killed (they were both to close to THE TRUTH), and a black mass with formal black robes, incantations and burning torches.

Bay Cove

More along the lines of housewife horror, Bay Cove (1987) a made-for-TV yawner has only one good scene: a church full of coven members being blown sky high by lightning. So yeah, no broomstick flying, no conjuring, no eye of newt in the soup of the day. ’80s witches were so boring.

Coven Lovin’ From The Oven

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Witchouse II: Blood Coven

Nothing, not even a coven of witches, can stand in the way of progress – in this case, a shopping mall. Before the notorious Covington House can be leveled to make way for YET ANOTHER Starbucks™, they have to resurrect and identify those stinky bodies buried on the haunted grounds.

Witchouse II: Blood Coven

Enter several students from the local university to do DNA testing to determine just how evil the 200 year old bones are. One thing predictably leads to another and before you know it, that pesky Lilith, a busty witch with bad teeth and even badder intentions, has returned to wreak mediocre havoc on those who would disturb her beauty sleep.

Witchouse II: Blood Coven

About as scary as an episode of Goosebumps, Witchouse II: Blood Coven (1999), which rips off Night of the Demons (1988), goes one better than its predecessor – it sucks twice as much. No nudity, no swearing, barely any gore, and some of the lamest dialogue this side of a Drinkin’ & Drive-in box social. Still trying to figure out why I thought watching it was a good idea.

Witchouse II: Blood Coven

Fruit-Flavored Witches

Posted in Evil, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cherry Tree

The new horror movie Cherry Tree (release pending, 2015) – not to be thought of as a sequel to the horroresque Cherry Tree Lane (2010) – is an odd title for a movie about witches, dark rituals and…gasp!…pregnancy. That is so icky.

So in Cherry Tree, a female hockey coach turns out to be the head of a centuries-old witch’s coven. (I knew I didn’t like hockey for a reason. And don’t get me started on goat-worshipping basketball players.)

Anyway, this hockey team/coven uses cherries from an ancient cherry tree to bring life back to the dead and dying. Not surprising cherries can do that; those little round flavor bombs with pits that can chip your teeth are good for you. And cherry juice tastes good in cocktails. Not in beer, though.

Coincidentally, a gal named Faith (seriously?) finds out her dad is dying. So she gets offered a deal by Team Coven to cure her dad in exchange for a newborn. Seems like an equitable arrangement. But soon Faith finds herself preggo and the fetus growing at an accelerated rate. Again, thank cherries – those things are, like, superfood.

But as with every bargain struck by an evil hockey team, there is a price to be paid – and it isn’t the Stanley Cup™. Nope, Faith and her fruit-cured dad have to do battle with the coven and hope humanity doesn’t end up in the penalty box.

Yep, kinda bored today.

Big Ass Lava Spiders

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lavalantula

Lavalantula (2014), a new sci-fi SyFy™Channel offering about giant tarantulas erupting from of volcanoes, could very well land in the Seven Wonders of the World™ ranking, right up there with Beer, Boobies, Waffles and Godzilla. (I forget the other two, but you can totally bet they are true wonders.)

Big Ass Spider!

Directed by Mike Mendez, the guy who did Big Ass Spider (2013), Lavalantula, looking to do a Sharknado (2013) cash in, has a tried ‘n true plot: “Lavalantulas attack Los Angeles.” F-ing brilliant!

The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill

While we’re waiting, check out another buzz word titled horror movie, The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill (2014). While I thought we all agreed to quit using “paranormal” in their titles, PDC begins in 1963 (pre-hippie period) with a black mass (church service with a really big collection plate) in Clophill, Bedfordshire by a coven of dark witches. Animal sacrifices, blood, necromancy, waffle mutilation… Scary stuff, for sure.

A documentary film team (indicating this is another one of those wretched found footage flicks) is assembled to investigate the legend of the Clophill witches and to try and uncover the truth behind the paranormal events. “What followed during that long weekend at Clophill was a terrifying journey into the unknown.”

The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill

Problem with movies like this is the “journey into the unknown” is already known as it’s been done over and over every since that highly insulting Blair Witch Project, which started the annoying “found footage” sub-genre back in 1999. Then again, horror movies aren’t usually known for originality.

Me? I’m sticking with lava spiders, beer and boobies. And waffles when no boobies are available.